10 Reasons Not To Delete An Ex’s Number

Your relationship (or whatever it was) was sweet … until it wasn’t. It ended with a not-so-clean break, and the aftereffects have lasted longer than the relationship itself. You run into him when you’re out and you immediately fall back into his trap. Texting ensues and soon you’re in another downward spiral that leaves you feeling more bitter than you did in the first place. As your friends will tell you, the solution is clear: delete his number. However, it might not be that simple. Here are 10 reasons not to delete his number from your contact list.

10 Reasons Not To Delete An Ex’s Number

  1. He might actually call. You don’t recognize the number, and you answer with an innocent “hello?” It’s him, now you’re stuck on the phone making awkward small talk. The call could have simply been avoided with the “Do Not Answer” button.
  2. Emergencies happen. If he was once someone you could count on, chances are he still might be.
  3. He texts you. Old habits die hard, and it’s obvious when you’re lying in a text message. “Sorry, who is this? I got a new phone” doesn’t always make the cut. Knowing he’s texting you gives you the freedom not to respond.
  4. Why can’t you be friends? Someday (far into the future), after your battle wounds have healed, you might want to keep in touch with this person. After all, you did have some good times together. It would be a shame to lose a potential friend over fights that happened years ago.
  5. He could help your career. Remember when he told you about his cousin’s lucrative marketing firm in Chicago? Well, now you’re moving to Chicago, and you need a job. If you have his number and you’re on good terms, he might help you network or make a business contact.
  6. He’s entertaining and smart as a whip. You’re the next contestant on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” or in the back of the “Cash Cab,” and you need a lifeline. Your ex could make you money!
  7. It’s childish. We’re all mature adults now, right? There are better ways to move on from an old flame, starting with completely forgetting he’s in your address book instead of dwelling on it.
  8. To prevent contact. Yes, deleting his name helps you get him out of sight and out of mind, but a glaring “Don’t Do It!” in place of his name is an effective reminder of the bad times, too.
  9. For your little black book. You might be done with him, but one person’s trash may be another person’s treasure. He didn’t click with you, but could he work with a friend in the future? Delete his number and you’ll never know.
  10. Rekindle an old flame. Maybe, after all the heartbreak, there is still relationship potential. Deleting his number out of spite could hurt you later on.

 

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You’ll Never Move On From Your Breakup If You Keep Making These 5 Mistakes

Breaking up is hard to do.

We all want to know how to get over a breakup, heal our broken heart, and move on with our lives.

However, there are so many mistakes that people make after a breakup that keeps them from healing and moving on from the heartbreak.

Getting over it ending is not the easiest thing to do. The pain and change that happens quickly after a heartbreaking breakup often throws people off balance so they end up doing things they might not otherwise do.

And those mistakes can cause huge problems both with your ex and your self-esteem.

Trying not to make them will allow the healing to start sooner so that you can get on with your life and be happy.

So, if you want to get over a breakup and heal your broken heart, here are 5 mistakes you need to avoid.

1. Seeking closure

One of the biggest mistakes that people make while getting over a breakup is that they seek “closure”.

While “closure” can be explained away as a final chance to talk about what happened and leave on good terms, closure is just one more chance to spend time with your soon-to-be-ex and, perhaps, talk them into being with you again.

Spending even one more moment dwelling on what happened and begging your person to take you back will backfire. If your person has broken up with you and you convince him to take you back, chances are it will all happen all over again, sooner or later.

Furthermore, prostrating yourself at the feet of your ex and begging him to give you one more chance will only damage your self-esteem.

If someone breaks up with you, seeking closure is only going to drag out the inevitable. So, rant and cry for a bit but then hold your head high and don’t let him know that you are hurting.

2. Extensive snooping

One of the biggest issues with social media is that it wreaks havoc and it’s not helpful when you’re trying to figure out how to get over an ex and move on.

In the old days, when a couple parted ways (unless the circumstances were unusual), they rarely or never saw each other again. They didn’t know the intimate details of each other’s life as they went on with their own.

Now, unfortunately, everything is different. When couples break up these days, part of the breakup means blocking or unfollowing each other on social media. And, unfortunately, this often doesn’t happen fast enough.

I have a client who left her boyfriend because he was a mess. They agreed to “remain friends” and kept up their social media accounts. My client still loved her boyfriend, even though she left him and she found herself drawn to his social media accounts regularly.

This wasn’t an issue in the beginning but once he got a new girlfriend, it became a real problem. She would waste hours stalking him and his new girlfriend on social media, extremely jealous that he seemed to be doing so much better with someone else.

Thinking that some other girl had a better version of him made her crazy and her self-esteem was in the gutter.

And then I reminded her that people only post their best things on social media. They don’t post the fights or the posturing or the doubts. What she was seeing was a curated version of her ex’s relationship. Understanding this allowed her to end her social media connection with him and begin to truly move on.

3. Moving on too quickly

Another huge mistake that people make after a breakup is that they move on too fast.

Yes, your heart is broken and you desperately want to pull the pieces back together again and you think that the best way to do that is to find someone else.

Don’t get me wrong, I definitely believe that people should get back on the horse quickly after a relationship fail. But, it’s also important to take some time and reflect on what happened.

Jumping into a new relationship before you’ve done so doesn’t automatically mean that you’re getting over someone — it means that you might repeat the same mistakes again.

So, take some time and be alone. It’s important to cry and feel your feelings and process with your girlfriends. Gain some understanding of what happened and make sure that history doesn’t repeat itself.

4. Staying in contact

Have you and your ex agreed to “be friends”? Do you want to set an example for other people that people can break up and remain friends? Good for you but, I’m afraid, it’s mostly impossible to do so.

When people are romantically involved and break up, especially if it’s one-sided, being friends just isn’t possible.

The person who is broken up with will use that friendship as an excuse to stay connected with their person and hope for a reunion. The breaker up could get frustrated with their ex’s clinginess and connection and might push them away or even ghost them.

If you would honestly like to be friends with your ex someday, as I am with many of mine, take some time, first, to get past the end of the relationship and get out into the world.

Staying in contact them now will only serve to slow down your healing.

5. Holding on to what could be

Two things that I hear over and over and over again after a breakup is that they wish that things could be back to the way they were at the beginning — they wish their person could be the person they know they can be.

But, wishing for these things will only drive you bonkers.

The beginning of a relationship is a magical time. Hours are spent sharing your deepest thoughts, your heart races whenever you see them and the chemistry is crazy.

Unfortunately, maintaining the chemically induced excitement of the early part of a relationship is simply impossible.

Even people in long-term, happy relationships no longer have those crazy feelings about each other. Their chemical draw has settled and they move into a more comfortable, loving relationship.

Furthermore, many people hold onto their exes because they focus on what their partner could be.

My client who had to break up with her beau because he was a mess saw the long-term potential in him, especially if she just loved him enough. Unfortunately, holding on to someone because of what they could be will only be an exercise in futility. You can’t save or change someone and trying to will only hurt you more.

So, if you are longing for the early days to return or know your person can change, know that neither will happen and take steps to move on.

People make many mistakes after a breakup so know that you aren’t alone.

Breakups are painful and the need for the pain to go away makes people do things that are not self-serving.

So, if you want to know how to get over someone and heal your broken heart, make every effort to resist seeking closure and extensive snooping, don’t stay in contact or move on too quickly.

And, most importantly, understand that things will never go back to the way there were and you can’t make your person into the person you think they can be.

I know that you want to find love — we all do! If you can avoid making these common mistakes, then you will be able to move on quickly and find the love that you have always been seeking.

You can do it!

 

 

The Only Surefire Way to Get Over an Ex

Bad breakups are the one time where a little hair of the dog won’t help a thing.

When relationships end, especially in long-term situations, everyone’s first impulse is to try to salvage the friendship. After all, this person has presumably been a very important pillar in your life for a long time, so the desire to lean on them during a difficult time is understandable—even if your relationship is the cause of said difficult time. While I personally think people who try to be friends with their exes are slightly masochistic, I recognize that plenty of people make it work. Good for them. They are not wrong, and you might one day be one of them. There’s also a contingent of folks who, while not friends with their ex per sé, are friendly with the people they’ve dated. That—for my money—should be your goal. But there can be no polite hugging at a farmers market run-in or texting about this season of World of Dance unless you first cease all communication with your ex for six months.

Why six months? Because I said so. That’s why. But also because six months gives you time to recover, breathe, and rebuild your life without them. I’ll explain.

First and foremost, while you definitely do owe it to your ex-partner to be respectful of them, their family, their copies of Gabriel García Márquez’s short stories and that weird “nightstand” they rescued for you from the street, you do not need to be their friend. Not ever, and certainly not right away. You cannot help your ex do any of the emotional work of getting over you, nor can they help you. It’s like using a knife to clean out a knife wound. No matter how good it’ll feel to talk to this person who has provided you with comfort before, who was—as of perhaps a week ago—your “best friend,” continuing to lean on them for emotional support after the break up will only cause you to fixate on the relationship’s end for far too long.

Is cutting off contact excruciatingly painful? Yes! But this person is categorically not a friend; they’re an ex. So there’s no need to try to shift them into a new position in your life at a breakneck pace. Being around them might even feel like it’s healing, but it’s not. The hair of the dog might help your hangover, but it isn’t exactly sobriety.

Surely you can just ration yourself a bit? Not text them as much? Restrict conversations to emotionally-benign topics like season 3 of The Crown and whether you might take up rollerblading? NO. No you very cannot. Scaling back might work when you’re trying to eat less sugar, but it doesn’t work when you’re both trying to untangle yourselves from the life you had together. You’re going to have to slowly (and probably painfully) rebuild your life brick-by-brick in a new way to fill up the time, support, and fun they used to occupy.

Now, it might seem impossibly cruel to suggest this cold-turkey no-talking period, but it doesn’t have to be. You don’t have to say, “I’m breaking up with you; do not speak to me for six months. Shhh. No talking. Shhh. I’m grabbing my things now. Not a word.” That would be sociopathic. Instead, after you’re done with the actual breaking-up part, the hashing and rehashing of what went wrong, the division of books, the recollection of your sweatshirts (optimistically), you can say, “This may seem harsh, but for the sake of making a clean break, I’d like for us to not talk for awhile. I need some space to actually get over this hurt, and I think that if we keep talking, we’ll keep getting caught up in one another.” Do not mention the timeline of six months unless they ask, with extreme desperation, “For how long?!!?” Bringing up a timeline that you’ve already had in mind will likely read as calculated and cold. If they insist, you can say, “Let’s start with six months and see how it goes.” Six months will feel like a lifetime when you’re heartbroken—in fact, it is a lifetime when you’re heartbroken—so you can expect pushback, especially if you’re the dumper. Hold firm. You are not being unreasonable or unkind. You’re setting a boundary that will ultimately help both of you.

And then follow through. If you need to have a friend hold onto their number so that you can delete it off your phone, do that. If you need to mute them on all social media, do that. Dating someone always involves a reshuffle of your life so that there’s room for a Them-sized space in it, and when they leave, you’ve got to fill that space up again with other things, like watching I Think You Should Leave for the fourth time and getting really into natural wines. If you keep talking to your ex, that space they’ve left behind will only be half empty and you’ll never know what you need to fill up. You’ll be stuck in a permanent limbo. So you have to follow the plan. Do not communicate unless it is necessary, perfunctory, or transactional. If you work together: stay professional. If someone’s parent dies: send condolences. If you need your Nintendo Switch stand back: ask for it back. Otherwise, leave them alone.

Who knows! In six months, after the ex ban has been lifted, you may just find that you’re actually doing okay without them; that you don’t need them to fall asleep; that you’ve been better about actually showing up to your friends’ shitty stand-up gigs. You may find that you don’t need them to fold a fitted sheet (you can just not fold it), or amuse you on Gchat during yet another unnecessary work meeting (make a work friend), or to remember to buy paper towels (set a reminder on your phone). Maybe you do check in with them a few weeks after the six months pass—you don’t want to seem too thirsty—and you remember how nice it is to have them as part of your life. Maybe you both slowly tiptoe towards friendship together, realizing that you’re both different people after this time apart-apart.

 

 


Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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