Why Staying Friends With An Ex Is A Bad Idea Says Science

Remaining friends with your ex might seem like a harmless idea. But according to experts, your best bet for a good future involves leaving them out of it.

Ending a relationship can prove to be extremely difficult, and if that includes staying friends with your ex, is it healthy?

Here’s what the experts say:

New York City-based psychotherapist and author of The Breakup Bible, Rachel Sussmanadvises being careful when it comes to staying friends with an ex, but there are couples who can make it work. Ultimately, she notes, “it’s an individual determination.”

There are, however, some guidelines exes should follow after separating, Sussman says.

If your relationship ended due to lost passion, or you felt like you’re becoming non-romantic roommates, you’ve got a good shot a healthy friendship, says Sussman. But if you broke up because of constant arguing, or one of you felt the other was too immature or too much of a flirt, or betrayal played a role in your split, Sussman adds that “the same problem that broke you up is going to leak into the friendship.”  In that case, you may have to turn around and walk away.

But even if your relationship was generally in good condition and simply didn’t work out, you might want to think twice before becoming buddies. A 2000 study, for example, concluded that friendships between exes are more likely to have negative than positive qualities than cross-sex platonic friendships.

According to relationship expert Lindsay Kriger, the transition from relationship to friendship can carry all kinds of unwanted dangers that can lead to more pain. “Let’s be friends” might sound like a good idea, but it can be much harder to pull off in reality.

Kriger says “What it doesn’t mean is ‘Let’s have a completely platonic relationship in which we ignore the feelings we had for one another, even the ones we still have.’”

Well, staying friends in real life might not be a great idea, but there’s probably nothing wrong with staying friends on social media. Right?

Actually, no.

Kriger believes the best thing to do after ending a relationship is to cut all connections in order to give yourself the full chance to find happiness elsewhere. That could mean deleting their number, and even blocking them on Facebook.

The most common reason why exes want to stay friends (here’s where things can get messy)

In a recent study by The Oakland University and The University of South Carolina, psychologists asked more than 860 people about their reasons for staying friends with their ex-partners.

While most people wanted to stay in a friendly relationship with their exes for sentimental reasons or trust, those who scored high for the psychological “dark triad” of personal traits – were driven by practicality and access to sex in the future.

For men, practicality and sexual access were rated as slightly more important than for women, on average. This was expected based on classical drivers for opposite-sex friendships.

In the journal for Personality and Individual Differences, Justin K Mogilski (University of South Carolina) and Lisa L M Welling (Oakland University) explain: “Men rated sexual access higher on importance than women did, which is consistent with other research showing that men are more likely than women to form [cross sex friendships] due to sexual attraction.”

In an interview for Broadly, narcissism expert Dr. Tony Ferretti said he agreed with the conclusions of the study, and added that narcissists and other dark personalities often valued relationships in terms of self-interest.

Such individuals, he explained, “may stay connected to [to exes in order to] have access to valuable resources. They also have inside information about their exes vulnerabilities and weaknesses that they can exploit and manipulate which gives them a sense of power and control.”

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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Does Your Ex Still Think About You? How To Find Out — And Reconnect After A Breakup

Do they still care about you?

After a breakup, it seems like you and your ex have already gone your separate ways.

Or, maybe your ex never even knew you to begin with.

So, you can’t help but wonder if, on the other side of this icy wall of silence, does your ex ever even think about you at all?

Cutting straight to the chase, yes, your ex most likely still thinks about you.

If you’ve shared a part of your life with someone, they aren’t going to completely forget that you ever existed.

They will think back to your time together and may even remember all the positive experiences that the two of you have had.

Yes, there may be pain and hurt associated with all of that, but they certainly do still think of you.

But, do they still care or even love you?

I know that you’re probably not just wondering if your ex happens to have thoughts about you — you want to know if they still feel something for you.

Do they miss you the way that you miss them?

The truth is that, yes, if they are being honest, they probably do still feel some emotions toward you.

They may even regret that the breakup happened that ended your relationship.

And they may feel a lot of hurt and heartbreak, still.

But they probably also know, if they are being honest with themselves, that there were positive moments that the two of you shared together — and they probably miss those times.

In fact, they are hiding the pain behind an emotional armor.

Granted, they may not let their mind veer in those directions. They may be so addicted to the story that they tell themselves about the hurt that they experienced that they just don’t let themselves acknowledge that pain.

But, you can rest assured that your ex does have feelings for you.

They may just be hidden behind pain, hurt, frustration, anger, or any other emotions that may still be lingering from the breakup.

How do you get through their emotional armor, then?

If you want to know how to get your ex back and connect again so you can explore what might be possible for the two of you, you are going to need to meet them where they are at, emotionally.

Yes, the two of you have your history.

And yes, there may be hurt and pain that is still lingering there.

But, just because there was love once doesn’t mean they want to get back together. You also have to see things from their point of view and be willing to relate to them with understanding and compassion.

Once they are able to see that you are willing to meet them where they are at emotionally, they’ll be much more likely to release the pain and hurt that they are holding on to.

And once they are able to do this, they’ll be receptive to talking to you again.

It starts by connecting on an emotional level.

You need to get past the complex feelings that both of you are probably experiencing.

And, of course, they may not be in a place in their life where they are able or willing to explore what might be possible between the two of you.

But you’ll never know for certain unless you’re willing to set aside pride and be emotionally honest and vulnerable.

Here’s an important piece of dating advice you need to heed if you want your ex back.

When you break up with someone, it doesn’t always mean you’re done for good.

Instead, take a chance and open yourself up to resolving the pain from the past.

You just never know what you might experience as a result.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Men Who Attract “Crazy” Women: It’s All Your Fault

I’m truly fed up with men complaining that they always wind up with “crazy women” or saying that all of their exes are “crazy.” You want to know why I’m fed up with it? Because when men say this, they are taking no accountability for their own actions. They are refusing to see that they are the common denominator in all of their relationships with these alleged “crazy” women and are unwilling to admit that if they don’t like what they attract, it’s probably because they don’t like themselves. Water seeks its own level aka crazy attracts crazy. The use of the word “Crazy” is also very derogatory, and that’s frustrating in and of itself. But, if you are a man who continues to attract women who wind up being rather unstable, do not complain that that “just happens” to you. You’re causing it. Here’s how.

You first comment on looks

I’ve noticed one thing in common with every man I know who claims he “attracts crazy women”: the stories of how they first pick up these women involve these guys laying on the compliments about the women’s appearances—heavily. Those first interactions are all about telling the woman she’s really hot. Unfortunately, only women who do have some personal emotional work to do would ever go for this. Emotionally healthy women would not like that all of the focus and attention is on something superficial.

And go after the very put-together women

And, to add to that last point, these men who claim to attract unstable women only go after extremely hot women. I mean that level of hot that is only achieved through $500 haircuts, hours of makeup, every waist cincher and bust lifter available, extensions, and freshly manicured nails. Every day. I’m sorry to say it again but there is often a personality type (hello: high maintenance) that comes with this look. But these silly men who “attract crazies” are just drawn to that look, and aren’t perceptive enough to pick up on the beauty of women with a more subtle appearance aka ones who are stable enough to not overdo it on the hair/makeup/designer clothes thing.

One male acquaintance starts every relationship by showering the woman with monetary items. Whether that’s highly expensive jewelry, meals, or trips, the money is obvious and everywhere. I still state again that, gentlemen, if you want to attract a woman who is down to earth, you won’t find her on the other end of a Ferrari wrapped in a ribbon.

This is so common: a man seduces a woman out of a relationship she’s already in, into a relationship with him, and then things turn out to be toxic and turbulent. Oh wow, no way? A woman who was willing to cheat and relationship jump isn’t stable? You’re kidding me. Who would’ve thought?

You like women who mimic your personality

The man who winds up in these turbulent relationships also tends to like this trait in a woman: she mimics his personality. She’s a chameleon. Whatever hobbies or restaurants or people he loves, she loves, too. This is where a man’s ego can really get him in trouble. I have news for you, men: if a woman seems to love everything you love, it’s an act. And if there is some sort of act going on now, there will be some sort of drama going on later. Stable women will have their own personalities and interests. They won’t pretend to love everything you love.

You demand all of their time at first

Funny enough, the men I know who later claim their exes were “crazy,” are usually very needy in relationships. I see them calling and texting a new interest constantly, wanting to see her regularly, and always wanting to know where she is and who she’s with. Another newsflash, men: if a woman tolerates all of that jealousy and paranoia it’s because she’s also going to exhibit it. Men, if you want a woman who is laid back and not controlling, you yourselves must be laid back and not controlling.

Then you’re shocked when they demand yours

These same men are also completely shocked when they go from calling a woman every hour to ghosting her for weeks and she goes a little nuts. What did they expect? They gave her the impression this was going somewhere and then they disappeared. That would make anyone upset.

You move too fast

I know one guy who falls into this same pit over and over again. He always wants that next thrill (it’s just a form of running from himself and some serious healing that needs to happen). So he’ll move fast with a woman, wanting to live with her or get engaged within just a few months. Again, I will state that, as a man, if you try to move fast, you should know any woman who goes along with it will not be stable. Stable women take things slowly.

Then you abruptly put on the breaks

Then, once these men decide that their new, shiny toy is no longer that new or shiny, they put on the breaks abruptly. One month it’s, “Move in with me” and the next month it’s, “Why are you always in my space?” And, shocker, this can result in some “crazy” behavior on the female’s part. Who wouldn’t be upset by that total 180?

You want something all-consuming

Every relationship that ends up in flames begins as a “whirlwind romance.” Have you noticed that? If two people just take the time to get to know one another, see each other at a reasonable frequency in the beginning and still maintain their individuality, nobody winds up slashing tires or burning down houses. But the men I know who claim their exes are “crazy” always dive into things head first, are attached at the hip with these women, and go totally MIA on the rest of their friends while in relationships.

But stable women aren’t about that

Emotionally healthy women want to maintain their individuality. They want to keep up with their own social lives. They want time to themselves. So, fellas, any woman you meet who is willing to dive into this relationship that consumes the both of you probably won’t be, um, emotionally stable.

You’re looking for a massive ego boost

So, here’s the thing: I’ve noticed that the same men who call their exes crazy also like women who are highly impressed with their money, status, fame, and other superficial elements. These men are deeply insecure and must rely on superficial things to get attention. So they wind up with women who are equally insecure and drawn in by that BS.

Again, stable women won’t give you that

Again, a healthy woman will be repulsed by a man who tries to use his status to gain affection. Sorry, guys, but if you’re going to find quality relationships, you can’t take the easy way of flashing your money around.

You either like extreme partiers

I’ve also noticed that the men I know whose relationships go up in flames are often drawn to women who are huge partiers. These men are usually insecure, and to compensate for that they like the competitive nature that comes with dating a woman who is out at clubs each night. They like to pick fights. They like a reason to be possessive. And women who spend most of their nights partying until the sunrise probably aren’t on the most stable ground right now, either.

Or extreme introverts

The other personality I see these men attracted to is the introvert. Again, men who “just happen” to fall into turbulent relationships (again, it’s totally their own fault) are often controlling. So many of them like women who are introverted and very shy because they know they can trust them to just stay at home and wait for them. But if a woman is so introverted that she’s essentially a hermit, she will likely develop codependency issues on the one relationship in her life. I mean really men what do you expect?! You actively seek out these unstable relationships and then play the victim card when things get unstable.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

7 Signs Someone Is Too Immature For A Relationship, According To Experts

Have you ever been dating someone, and how they act or the way they communicate makes you pretty darn confused or upset? Well, it’s not an uncommon experience to encounter by any means. And while baffling or frustrating interactions can often be part of figuring out a relationship and a new person, certain behaviors can also be a sign of emotional immaturity that indicates you might want to back away from the situation to find a person more on your level. (Or, on the other hand, you might recognize some of these behaviors in yourself! But that’s OK because growing is what life is all about.)

“We often expect a person to be mature once they reach a certain age, yet emotional maturity is not guaranteed with any chronological age,” clinical psychologist Dr. Carla Marie Manly, tells us. “Emotional immaturity can be present in any person — regardless of age — if they have not matured psychologically.”

And yes, it can really be hard to discern people’s behavior and what it all means, despite maturity levels. We often make allowances for people if we are really attracted to them or like them a lot. But ultimately it all comes down to what we want and need out of a relationship, and being honest with ourselves about that. Below, take a look at what some of the pros say about behavior and communication styles that could be a sign that a new partner isn’t ready for a relationship.

1. They Demand Too Much Attention From Their Partners Or Potential Partners

fizkes / Shutterstock

“Matured individuals are aware that everybody needs personal space and time for themselves to grow,” dating and relationship expert Celia Schweyer, from DatingScout.com, tells Bustle.

People who do not understand this concept are usually those who make the relationship complicated and tend to get disappointed when their partners prefer to do other things instead of spending time with them.

“This kind of thinking is associated with egocentric behaviors where kids think that the world revolves only around themselves,” Schweyer says. So notice if someone really struggles to allow you to do your own thing.

2. They Badmouth Their Exes

It’s never a good sign when people constantly talk about their exes, and it’s really not a great sign if all they do is badmouth them. It can often indicate a serious lack of perspective.

“It’s already bad that your date or partner keeps talking about their ex,” Schweyer says. “What’s worse is when they can’t stop talking negatively about them whenever you’re together.”

On the one hand, this could mean that they are simply not over their exes. But if they communicate only negative things about their exes, your date might be the problem in the first place.

3. They Blame Other People A Lot

Two unhappy lesbians not talking to each other after having quarrel during lunch at coffee shop: sad redhead woman feeling lonely while her girlfriend sitting next to her.

Shutterstock

This negative talk about other people might continue into other areas of life as well. If the focus is always on what other people do wrong and how they screw things up, this might be a sign that this person’s ability to see their part in things is a little lackluster.

“Emotionally immature people look for someone to blame when things go south,” Schweyer says. “You can spot this red flag in the way they handle their smallest issues like unpaid bills, missed schedules, or bad restaurant services.”

While it’s one thing to have a moment of anger, Schweyer says, it’s an indication of a deeper behavioral issue if they can’t seem to let go of it after a while.

4. They Don’t Listen Well

Someone being too full of themselves and refusing to listen to what others have to say is a clear sign of emotional immaturity, Schweyer says. You want someone who is able to communicate with you and process what you are saying in a real, respectful way.

“People who are like this often have a mindset that they are always right, so they don’t need your opinion,” Schweyer says. “They wouldn’t be the type of people who would care about your thoughts, and they might even get offended when you try to suggest a different way of doing things.”

Consider friends or family members who make you feel heard and appreciated. Does this person make you feel that way as well? If not, they may not be what you’re looking for.

5. They Overanalyze The Littlest Things

Sad couple having conflict and relationship problems

Shutterstock

An emotionally immature person may overanalyze and you’ll find yourself fighting over the silliest things, Schweyer says. “Your tone, words, and the appalling lack of an emoji — these can be a few of the petty details you’ll fight on when they nitpick,” she adds.

Since a mature and healthy relationship is built on trust, dating someone who questions your every move can be draining, Schweyer says. It is a surefire sign that your partner isn’t as trusting and ready as they claim to be.

6. Playing Emotional Games And Unpredictable Behavior

Passive-aggressive behaviors and game-playing tactics like not showing up as planned or ghosting-type behaviors are all indicative of immaturity, Manly says. So are other more volatile or unpredictable behaviors, like outbursts of serious jealousy.

Other kinds of emotional instability may include disrespecting boundaries or being possessive or overly suspicious. These are all indicative of sometimes even greater struggles than immaturity, and should not be taken lightly.

You deserve to have a loving relationship with someone based on trust and boundaries you both communicate with one another.

7. They Engage In Many Self-Centered Activities

WAYHOME studio/Shutterstock

“Immature people can be tempting to date because often they can be lighthearted, funny, and exciting,” marriage and family therapist Lauren O’Connell, LMFT, with a private practice in Santa Monica, tells us.

There are a lot of behaviors that might indicate someone is not ready to show up fully for another person.

“If they drink or smoke a lot, never offer to pay on dates, encourage you to come over to their house but don’t pay much attention to you, if you never see them without their friends if they never put their phone down,” O’Connell says, these are all warning signs of immaturity.

When you recognize these things, it might be disappointing. But it’s also the knowledge that will help you spot a person who is mature and available for a partnership or reciprocal relationship!

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

5 Behaviors That Mean Someone’s Not Ready To Date, So Guard Your Heart

Getting to know someone new can be really fun and exciting. You get to learn all about them, including their likes, dislikes, goals, background, and the things you have in common. (Similar tastes in Netflix shows is key, people!) But nothing stings quite like catching feelings for someone, only to recognize the behaviors that mean someone’s not ready to date. I reached out to several dating experts to learn exactly what those behaviors look like, and how you can spot them.

“When you first meet someone, especially if you meet them on an app, you typically assume they’re ready to date, but that isn’t always the case,” Julie Spira, online dating expert, and CEO at Cyber-Dating Expert, tells us. “As a dating coach, I’ve seen singles tell me they’re ready and are even anxious to meet someone very soon. The problem is, sometimes they haven’t done the inner work, or aren’t over an ex, which makes them unavailable. If you find that someone talks a lot about past relationships, it’s a sign they might not be ready to start brand new.”

If the person you’re seeing continues to dwell on the past, that’s probably not a solid foundation on which to build a future together. Keep an eye out for the following behaviors. If you realize you might not be on the same page, it might be time to sit down and have a serious conversation about how to align your goals, and whether or not that’s something you even want.

1.They Seem Almost Too Eager To DTR.

Couple in love. Couple love.

Shutterstock

This sign can be tricky to spot, because usually, when someone is enthusiastic about dating you, it’s because, well, they really want to date you. And that’s great! But someone who might not be ready to date might actually seem a little bit too anxious to put a label on it. If a person you’ve been on approximately two dates with already wants to label you their partner, they can’t stop texting you, or they claim they get anxious when they’re away from you, being in a relationship might be more about the anxiety of “filling a role” than about them actually wanting to make a connection.

“Most people want to fall in love and be happy, but if you’re coming from a place of neediness or desperation to fill the title of ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’ with someone new, your anxiety can get the best of you, and prevent you from actually being ready for healthy love,” she explains. If someone is trying to rush things, that could mean they aren’t ready to date.

2. They’re Flakey AF.

Dating is all about having fun, getting to know each other, and seeing where things between you might go. But in order for that to happen, you both have to put in the same amount of effort. When someone isn’t ready to date, they’ll probably slack in this arena. “When you’re spending time together, he doesn’t seem to put in much effort,” Lori Salkin, SawYouatSinai.com Matchmaker, and Dating Coach tells us. “It’s the same date again and again, or you just end up hanging out at one of your places. He only asks you out ‘to hang out’ last minute. And whenever he asks you out or you think he’s asking you on a date, he only uses the language ‘hang out’ instead of ‘go out’ when making plans with you. And he doesn’t confirm a plan until super last minute.”

Sound familiar? If so, try to remember that the person dating you should know how lucky they are! If they don’t put in the effort to show you that they care by planning dates in advance or texting when they say they will, then you might be better off finding someone who will.

3. Things Are Still Complicated Between Them And Their Ex.

Couple fighting while sitting on the pier

Shutterstock

Every breakup is different. Some exes break up and still maintain a healthy friendship. Others are forced to hang out in social settings because they’re part of the same friend group. Nevertheless, if someone ended things with their partner and they still make plans with them on a regular basis, they might not be ready to commit to a new partner.

Even more of a red flag? When the person you’re going on dates with still lives with their ex. “I can’t stress enough how common this issue is and how it sabotages the chances of starting a great relationship,” Spira says. “Often a couple will break up, and for financial reasons, they’ll sometimes still live under the same roof, but not [sleep] in the same bed. Since the cost of housing has skyrocketed, it’s hard to date someone new [when you’re still] sharing keys to the house, but not the heart,” she says.

4. They Aren’t Completely Over Their Ex.

If you can tell that the person you’re seeing hasn’t completely moved on from their ex, they probably aren’t ready to date just yet, Spira says. This will look like regular conversations with you about their previous relationship, comparisons between you and their ex, or anecdotes about special things they did or moments they had with them that you just really don’t need to hear about.

“Often the guilt of a breakup, especially when one person isn’t taking it well or hasn’t moved on, takes center stage,” Spira says. “This creates an unhealthy love triangle, of you, your new partner, and the ex.”

5. They’re Insecure.

Now, almost everyone has insecurities, and having insecurities doesn’t mean you can’t be in a relationship. But, if someone is constantly putting themselves down or talking about how “out of their league” you are, they probably aren’t ready to date. There’s a reason people always say you’ve got to learn to love yourself before you can love someone else, and while cliches about love don’t often ring true, this one really can.

“If they say you’re ‘too good,’ it probably means they’re feeling insecure about where they are,” life coach Nina Rubin tells us.

If the person you’re seeing exhibits any of these behaviors and they make you feel uncomfortable, Rubin recommends taking action. “Don’t stick around waiting for them to be ready,” she explains. “Keep dating other people and know that timing is real. If you’re meant to get (back) together, you will. Trust the feelings you both have. Tell them that you’re developing feelings and you want them to be reciprocated. Ask: Would it be better to take some time apart and connect in a few months to see where you both are?”

Remember: You deserve to be with someone who can be just as invested in a relationship as you, so don’t settle for anything less.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Here Are 10 Reasons Why Men Don’t Call Back After a Date

Here’s a post one of my female readers recently sent me. I thought it worth sharing. Take it away, Jazmin!

We’ve all been there: You’re going on a date and everything seems fine, but after the date, there’s no follow-up. No calls, no texts, nothing. When guys ghost us, we often wonder what we did wrong. Perhaps, we were simply not compatible. Or was there something else?

These thoughts can affect our self-esteem and influence our decision to get back out on the dating scene. We start fearing that everyone will do the same thing. However, men’s reasons for not calling us back are completely different from the reasons we assume. Here are 10 men who share why they really ghosted women.

1. “She kept talking about herself and wouldn’t even let me get a word in. The atmosphere wasn’t very nice either. I guess we just weren’t a good match. Also, I would never call [a girl] back if she [is] rude. I like nice, chill people, not uptight ones.” – Peter, 31

2. “The vibe was just off. No need to continue seeing someone you [just didn’t] click with. Also, I wouldn’t call back if she was a vegan…. my family’s big on meat.” – Wonder, 22

3. “The girl was very rude and talked a lot about how awesome her ex was. I also wouldn’t call [a girl] back if she lacked social customs and was a liar.” – Cían, 22

4. “I actually [have] never ghosted anyone. I respect the other person enough to tell them if I don’t [want to] meet [them] again. But I [would only] do that if they did something that would result in complete disgust towards them. Therefore, they wouldn’t be worthy of respect.” – Daniel, 27

5. “It started off as a one-night stand, but afterward, we truly connected. However, by the end of the date, she told me she’s a smoker, and that just [didn’t] work for me. If I were to do that again, I would only not call back if she was disrespectful and intolerant. I can’t stand that.” – James, 32

6. “She only talked about how much she hated her ex. It sounded as if she wasn’t really over him. If I ghosted again, it would be because the girl was fake. Just be yourself because otherwise, we will never know if we’re a match.” – Philip, 25

7. “I felt like we didn’t connect well. I didn’t want to be an asshole, but I was worried [that] she wouldn’t let it go. I’ve had experiences like that before. Also, bad manners are a no-go for me.” – Tom, 27

8. “I found out in the middle of the date that she used to go out with one of my mates. I thought it was best to leave the situation be. Also, if she [were] rude or extremely rigid. I like people who like to have fun.” – Diego, 32

9. “I always call people back, but if I chose not to, it would be because they’re rude. Also [I’m looking for] a simple connection – if it’s not there, then the date is over. I also would never call back if the person was too opinionated. I like people who can have a conversation about [difficult topics] instead of being incredibly stubborn and not even listening to the other person’s point of view.” – Jon, 22

10. “I didn’t call her back because she spent the whole evening criticizing things about me. She was rude in general, so I figured that there was no point in calling her again. I’ve [ghosted] only once.” – Martin, 24

The reasons that guys don’t follow-up after a date vary from person to person. Sometimes, it’s simply that you weren’t compatible. I think we can all agree that we should always let the other person know, even if you are afraid of confrontation. In these situations, we can feel as if it’s our fault and that something is wrong with us. However, it’s important to know that whether or not men text us back, we are still worthy of love, and we should keep putting ourselves out there.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

9 Harsh Truths We Tend to Ignore at the Beginning of a Relationship, and Then Bitterly Regret It

They say that “love is blind” and they are probably right. We tend to ignore many things about our loved ones, even though these things scream that you need to get out of the relationship. As a consequence, we’re left trying to put a broken heart back together or we just get up one day realizing that we’ve wasted years in a pointless relationship.

This wouldn’t happen if we could tell from the very beginning where it might lead. And sometimes we can: here at Bright Side we came up with most common phrases your date could say to you that are actually signals that you should leave and never come back.

1. “I’m not over my previous relationship yet.”

It’s an honest truth, and you have to accept it and say goodbye — it’ll be better for the both of you. You probably don’t want to be an instrument for your date to forget their ex and constantly compete with them. And you will probably not be happy if they get back together.

Beyond that, it is not recommended for people to start a new relationship right after their previous one or until it’s all over, so it’s better to leave and give your partner some time to figure out their feelings.

2. They complain about all their exes.

Of course, people do get into toxic relationships sometimes, but if it happens all the time, maybe the problem actually has something to do with your date. You’ll probably end up being another “crazy ex” on their list and they will probably constantly stress you out. Do you need that in your life?

3. “I don’t think marriage makes sense.”

When someone says this, they definitely mean it and are implying that they are not going to get married, even to you. And since you’re grownups, this opinion is too hard to change, if even possible at all. If you think the same about marriage, than that’s okay. But it’s crucial to have similar opinions on this topic, so if you actually want to get married, then don’t waste your time.

4. “When I’m angry, I scream and break things. I can’t help it.”

This is a red flag phrase that should never be ignored. It means that your partner is emotionally unstable, and that plates aren’t the limit. You will get your dose of emotional and physical abuse too, even if you don’t think this will happen. Do yourself a favor and disappear the moment you hear (or notice) anything like that.

5. They admit that they could never make a relationship last.

You shouldn’t ignore this phrase, thinking it won’t happen with you. Don’t overestimate the chance you think you have to change your partner. If they say it, they mean it — and in addition, they can even say that they warned you. So if you’re looking for something that can become serious, you’re with the wrong person.

6. They don’t see anything wrong with being late.

When someone is late, they usually apologize for it, no matter how late they are. If your partner doesn’t see anything wrong with it, this is a bad sign. It means that they lack respect for your time, and there is a great probability that they will be selfish and have a tendency to devalue everything about other people. Take note, and find someone who will value you and your time.

7. They admit that relationships aren’t their main focus all the time.

Of course, for some people a career might be their biggest priority, and there’s nothing wrong with that. However, if your date says something like this on the spot without any context, it implies that your date wants to keep things easy. It’s a phrase to let you know that your partner isn’t going to put much effort into your relationship, so just take it as it is and decide if that’s what you want and need.

8. “A man/woman should…”

If your partner talks about their expectations, that means that they expect you to follow them in order to keep up the relationship. If you don’t share these standards, but decide to get into this relationship anyways, it will lead to a lot of stress and tension, so you’re probably better off ending it before it even starts.

9. “You don’t need someone like me.”

No, this not a challenge to prove that your date is wrong. People who are not confident always play the victim, and if you get into this game your whole relationship will turn into you constantly convincing your partner they are great and that they are worth you having to deal with infinite jealousy. In case it’s more like a confident, “Don’t fall in love with me,” you’re most likely dealing with a player. And we are not sure which one of these types is worse.

Sometimes it can also be a polite way to say that it’s your partner who doesn’t need anyone like you. Whatever the case may be, it’s just better to leave in order to not torture either of you.

Which phrases would you add to the list? Do you have your own personal red flag phrases? Let us know in the comments.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to Phicklephilly LIVE on Spotify!

Finding Love After 40: Save Your Dating Life With These 6 Essential Tips

Surely, getting back to the dating scene after a long marriage or a lengthy period of being single could be a struggle at first for everyone. Even if you are considered a ‘master in flirting’, there could be a few bumps on the road for you.

First of all, the dating scene or ‘game’, if you wish, will most probably not be the same as the ‘good old days’.

However, because ‘you don’t have it in you’ anymore, but due to the fact that your life and expectations have, indeed, changed in your 40’s.

1. Have realistic expectations (for yourself)

If you are picturing the following scene in your head: you are going to hit the bars until late, and are going to be ‘extra sociable’, going at events non-stop…Well, that might not work out just the way you are fantasizing. While there may be some women over 40 out there capable of doing that- kudos to you, in all honesty. However, for most women, it would typically be a hard task, as they would have a difficult time managing their tight schedule- be it work or kids (if they have any), or both.

Therefore, a more convenient way to give your dating life a chance would be…well, with the help of online dating. In this way, you could be in the comfort of your own home and start up a conversation with a stranger who might just be right for you. However, you should have something important in mind…

2. Be authentic when you date online

Namely, to be truthful. It is always quite a temptation to modify your appearance on social media platforms, such as dating apps. That goes for anybody- no age limits here. However, that is not a good idea especially when you are on the lookout for a potentially steady relationship. The key message here is the following: in order to attract the right kind of person for you, you should present yourself authentically.

Dishonesty should be strayed away from, as it would not bring you anything of substance in the long run. So, say ‘no’ to the temptation of adding a picture of when you were younger, for example, and just be yourself. You’re worth it and, not to mention, you look just as great!

3. Don’t rely solely on apps 

Nonetheless, online dating shouldn’t be a restriction by no means. Whenever you feel like it or have the time you most definitely should consider going out to meet new people. Swiping left and right can become overwhelming and tedious at some point, so head out to your favorite bar, coffee shop, or whatever else your thing is and enjoy yourself.

It is important not to neglect the opportunities real-life meet-ups by chance could bring. While dating apps bring a bit of comfort, as it is so easily accessible, a lot of success always comes with the ‘traditional’ way of meeting new people. At the end of the day, it is really up to you and your preferences.

4. Be patient

You have either left a marriage that was not working out or you have been single for a while, whichever the case may be- you just have to allow yourself to be patient. There seems to be this tendency of having specific expectations and wanting to meet the ‘perfect’ one right this very second. Of course, it is understandable why a certain ‘rush’ might prevail, especially if one has been looking for a partner for a sufficient amount of time.

However, key characteristic to always preserve is patience. It is very important to remain patient and positive, as frustration would only delay your chances to find true love.

5. Don’t get ‘too attached’ to the ‘idea’ of what you want

If you are in the habit of ‘knowing’ whether your date is right for you in the first couple of minutes, even seconds…Well, you might be setting yourself up for failure. Dating in your 40’s means you most probably know what you are looking for but for some reason, a lot of women put themselves under the pressure to find it incredibly quickly.

However, making up your mind in such a fast, negative manner in actuality prolongs the experience of finding a suitable partner. So, keep in mind: there is really a fine line between being judgemental and ‘going with your gut’.

6. Resist the temptation of dating someone who reminds you of your ex

It’s kind of to be expected that you could be drawn to an individual with similar qualities as your ex-lover. This is due to the fact that there is certain comfort in ‘familiarity’. However, the logical question you’d need to ask ourselves is: if it didn’t work out with this type of person before, why would it work out now?

Therefore, you should rationally make the effort to avoid dating a person who is unhealthy for you. Working on healing and finding your inner peace is crucial for this. So, you could do this at your own pace or seek out a professional to guide you through the process. The key point here is: avoid repeating the previous negative cycles of an unhealthy partnership and allow yourself to explore beyond that in your 40’s.

In conclusion, looking for true love in your 40’s is different from when you were 20, for example, but it brings a plethora of new, exciting opportunities your way.

So, as long as you are authentic and giving yourself a fair chance, there is absolutely nothing you can’t achieve- finding a fulfilling, loving relationship is one of those things.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to Phicklephilly LIVE on Spotify!

Here’s How To Digitally Disconnect From Your Ex After A Breakup & Recharge

In the early 2000s, dealing with a breakup meant packing up all of the photos and mementos from your relationship, throwing them in a box, and hiding it all away in your closet. In 2020, however, recovering from heartbreak often looks more like establishing some boundaries from your ex’s social media. Whether you turn your phone off or put your old boo on mute, knowing how to digitally disconnect from your ex after a breakup can help you start to heal ASAP.

“After a breakup, I always recommend my clients start with removing all of the emotional triggers around them,” Pricilla Martinez, CEO of Regroop Life Coaching, tells us. “Nothing is more detrimental to your healing than thinking your ex moved on from you when you’re still in the middle of dealing with all of your pain.”

According to Martinez, looking at your ex’s social media can give you the impression that your ex wasn’t affected by your breakup as much as you were. While everyone handles heartbreak differently, no one wants to feel like they’re competing for the title of “Who Cares The Least.”

If you need to recharge after heartbreak, here are 12 tips to digitally disconnect from your ex.

Unhappy woman reading bad news on cell phone and crying while sitting in the bedroom.

Shutterstock

1. Limit Your Contact With Them

For Trina Leckie, host of Breakup BOOST podcast, the best way to disconnect after a breakup is to limit all the digital contact you have with your ex, from texting and calling to looking at their social media. “You have to accept that the relationship has come to an end and make your healing the priority,” Leckie tells us. “When you keep someone top of mind, you don’t give yourself a chance to distance yourself to get your emotions in check and get the clarity you need.”

2. Mute Their Account

If you find you keep peeking on your ex’s page or you can’t resist clicking on notifications from them, Martinez suggests putting your ex on mute. “I would say you should mute their account until you are fully ready to unfollow them,” Martinez says. “If you aren’t ready to completely cut them off, mute their account, so it doesn’t pop up on your feed.” Putting their texts on “Do Not Disturb” may also help you, so you don’t get a notification if they do reach out, and can choose to respond on your own time when and if you feel ready to.

3. Consider Unfollowing Them

If you’re still following your ex after a breakup, it can be easy to catch yourself lurking on their page a little bit or overthinking everything they’re up to. As Martinez shares, showing your ex the digital door, (i.e., unfriending or unfollowing them on social media) can help you get some final closure. “If you’re not interested in having a connection with this person, then why follow them?” Martinez says. “If you really want to close that chapter, you don’t need an update on their next partner, their job, or what they had for dinner.”

4. Don’t Be Afraid To Block Them

If your relationship ended badly and you never want to talk to your ex again, or you’re really struggling to get over the heartache, Leckie says it’s OK to fully block your ex from social media and from texting or calling. “The goal is out of sight, out mind,” Leckie says. “That way, you aren’t tempted to check on them, and you won’t constantly be wondering if you are going to hear from them.”

5. Archive Your Pics (Or Fully Delete Them)

Honestly, bless Instagram’s archiving feature. If you’re tired of seeing old couples pics of you and your ex but aren’t quite ready to delete everything, archiving your photos is the IG equivalent of throwing a box under the bed. You don’t have to see it, but it’s not gone forever. Of course, if you’re really feeling done, it’s OK to delete photos, too.

6. Kick Them Off Your Netflix/Amazon Prime/Hulu Account

If you and your boo shared a bunch of online accounts, consider this the time to change all your passwords. You don’t need to see what movies they’re watching or what annoying things they’re buying on Amazon Prime.

Profils of a sad woman checking smart phone online content in the street

Shutterstock

7. Stop Sharing Your Location

Seeing that your ex is getting sushi at that place that you told them about is just going to make you upset. Disconnect from Find My Friends, Snapchat’s Snap Map, or anything else that tells you exactly where they are.

8. Unfollow Or Mute Their Friends

Know what you don’t need to see? Your ex’s best friend’s IG Story of your ex out at the “club.” If you follow a bunch of your ex’s pals, consider unfollowing or muting them for a while. Or forever.

9. Unfriend Them On Venmo

You may think this is extra, but what’s really extra is going on Venmo to pay your roomie for your electricity bill and seeing your ex Venmoing that person you always used to fight about (because they would flirt in front of you) for “drinks” at your favorite bar.

10. Get Them Off All Your Astrology Apps

I don’t care what Co-Star says, they are not your perfect match, and you don’t need to see what intentions they are setting for today.

11. Unfollow Their Spotify

You may have forgotten that you even followed them on Spotify, but you will always remember spitting out your coffee at work when a playlist titled “Screw My Ex” came up in your Spotify friend activity.

12. Don’t Forget Finstas

Your Finsta, their Finsta, their friends’ Finstas… when you start muting or unfollowing, don’t forget about everyone’s second account. You won’t regret it.

Recovering from a breakup can be hard for everyone. Still, getting some digital distance from your ex can help you heal faster. And sometimes, emotionally recharging means letting your phone die for a bit.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to Phicklephilly LIVE on Spotify!

8 Guys to Avoid in Online Dating

The best part about using dating apps is you’ll have the opportunity to date every day if you like, and there’s no doubt about it that no two dates will be the same. When you’re searching for love online, you’ll find men from every walk of life and varied personal backgrounds — that means you will also encounter the spectrum of different personality types.

Many single women who use online dating sites and apps report they have, on occasion, come across badly behaved guys online or when they arrived at the IRL date. Here are eight types of guys you should look out for — and avoid.

1. The Cheap Guy

Dating can be expensive, and no guy wants to break the bank and go to fancy restaurants without a return on his investment. But there are creative and affordable ways to go on dates. For example, you can get to know someone over a cup of soup or pizza at lunch, and if it works out, you can schedule a second date.

However, you might come across someone who doesn’t want to invest in a date. Typically, these guys suggest meeting for coffee, which represents an inexpensive date and a quick “out” if they don’t feel any chemistry.

Dating is a commitment of both time and resources. It takes time to get to know someone, so I’m not a fan of coffee dates. I’ll give you a few examples of coffee dates gone bad from my experience as a dating coach.

On one date, a guy suggested meeting for coffee and brought his own bottle of water. He refused to order a $4 coffee for his date or even buy her water when he arrived. It showed a complete lack of respect for the woman he had invited for coffee. In that case, the woman cut the date short and left.

Photo of a man with a piggy bank

On another date, a guy ordered his coffee from his Starbuck’s app in advance, so by the time his date arrived, he was happily sipping his cup of java. He could have sent her a text asking what she’d like to order, but made it clear they were going Dutch, or she’d be going home thirsty. She asked him why he didn’t offer to order her a coffee, and he replied with “I pre-ordered mine.” She opted to leave.

The guy another dater was meeting sent a text saying he had arrived, and the woman sent a reply that she was three minutes away and asked that he order her a latte. He said OK, and when she arrived, he had ordered the smallest size for less than $3 for her and ordered the largest size for over $4.50 for himself.

He also ordered food for himself in advance, including a croissant and banana because, he told her, he was hungry. In total, he spent $8 on himself for three items and $2.75 for her. As she sipped her small coffee, shaking her head in disbelief, she wondered why he hadn’t ordered the same size beverage for both of them. Needless to say, it was another one-and-done date.

When it comes to coffee dates, if you’d like to have a more meaningful conversation with someone, I suggest making the investment and going to a casual cafe. I’d also carefully vet the person on the phone in advance to avoid disappointment.

2. The Angry Guy

When I’m reading through profiles in search of matches, I often come across a profile of someone who sounds like they have a chip on their shoulder. Usually, their profile comes with a disclaimer, which is a big red flag.

A woman I know said she encountered one disclaimer that had written in capital letters “You are not authorized to share, reprint, or use my profile for any reason, and if I find out that you do, I will report you and get you banned.”

Photo of an angry man

I find this to be arrogant and offensive. If someone views your profile and thinks you’d be a good fit for a friend of theirs, why not let them make the introduction on your behalf? This verbiage gave the impression that her potential date would be an angry and threatening guy, so she took a pass.

Another profile said “Don’t contact me if you aren’t thin, don’t look like your profile photos, and lie about anything at all, including your age.” Since he gave a list of reasons not to contact him, his message was clear, and the woman didn’t. She wondered whether she would have been on the receiving end of his criticism if she’d gone on a date with him.

3. The Donnie Downer

It’s not unusual to get online dating fatigue or dating burnout if you’ve been swiping left and aren’t connecting with anyone. But you need to bring your A game to every date; you need to push the restart button and start anew.

Photo of a sad man

A few profiles I’ve viewed were over 500 words long — way too long-winded. Some people talk about how awful online dating has been for them, while others say they haven’t met anyone yet worth pursuing IRL. One person even said they had trust issues after getting out of a relationship with a partner who had cheated on them.

None of these rants belongs on a dating profile or should be discussed on a phone date or first date. If you come across a profile that has someone talking about losing their job, how their ex ran off with the neighbor, or how they’ve been depressed, take a pass and find someone who will be happy about meeting you.

4. The Narcissist

Occasionally, you’ll meet someone online who acts superior to others. These guys think so much of themselves that they will think very little of you.

Photo of a man looking at himself in the mirror

An example would be someone who is vain and says they’re a great catch because they’re handsome and are financially secure. This person will brag about their Ferrari and exotic vacations they’ve been on because it’s all about them.

You’ll rarely see them talk about the desire for a “we” because it’s all about “me.” These guys are charming but live in a fantasy world. It’s quite likely they can’t afford the lease payments on the Ferrari, or they’ve borrowed a friend’s car for a photo opp.

5. The Hookup Guy

Most singles are looking for meaningful relationships. In fact, in the Match Ninth Annual Singles in America Study, researchers found 75% of singles in the study said they are hopeful about finding love, with only 9% of singles looking to date casually.

Photo of a couple in bed

However, women often fear men are looking for a hookup, and, depending on which apps they are on or whether they’ve received a random dick pick, they have reason to worry.

If a man’s profile mentions sex, or if he comments on your photo and says you’re sizzling hot, chances are he’s looking for a hookup. Other signs include scheduling a late-night date, so if someone wants to meet for a drink at 10 p.m., make sure you’re unavailable.

6. The Classic Player

Finding a Casanova online isn’t unusual. He’s the guy who makes you feel like you’re the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen, and he’s as handsome as can be. He exudes confidence and sexuality, and if you meet, you may melt in his arms like butter.

The problem with this sexy guy is he will probably have you in rotation. You’ll never know for sure if you’re the Friday night date or the Saturday night date, but you’ll never get both nights in the weekend because his date card is full.

Photo of a man with two women

If you ask him if he’s seeing anyone else, the Classic Player will get defensive and tell you he’s so wrapped up with work these days and spending all of his free time with you.

If you become sexually involved, he’ll bolt in the morning for a “family event” and never take down his profile. Even if his romantic, over-the-top date night with you included saying he thinks he’s falling in love with you, it’s the line he uses to bed you and leave you.

7. The One Who isn’t Over His Ex

They say when one door closes, another opens. While I find that to be true, others say to get over someone you need to get under someone else.

When you meet someone who isn’t over his ex, you’ve got a living ghost in your relationship and are in a no-win love triangle. The tell-tale signs are quite obvious: He has photos of her everywhere on social media or on his phone; he is still connected on Facebook and Instagram; and he starts comparing you to her.

Time does heal, and it’s essential to find out if the person you’re meeting with is ready to date. For some, it’s immediate because the previous relationship was on a downward slant for a long time, and they mourned the loss as it was ending.

Photo of a man crying with a wedding ring

For others who have been jilted by an ex, they may still have them on a pedestal, and you might fear they could get back together again. Wondering how you’re matching up to the one who got away can make you feel anxious, and that is unhealthy.

On a dating profile, men often say they’ve just become single after a long relationship ended. On one dating profile I reviewed, a man had written in the first line that he knew the moment he met his ex-wife on their first date that he was going to marry her.

While that sounds romantic, and you can wonder if that would happen to you, it’s a clear sign that he’s not over her, and even though she’s gone, you could end up in the second position in his heart.

8. The Rescheduler

There are many reasons why people have to reschedule that are valid. Some include a business trip, a funeral, or a child who has the flu. In these cases, it’s important to show compassion and reschedule a firm date to get together when the dust settles.

However, there are a group of men who are on dating sites for the ego boost. They want to see likes on their photos by women. They love swiping right to get a mutual match on Tinder or Bumble, and they schedule dates with you that they have no intention of going on.

Photo of date night on a calendar

Perhaps they’re still in a relationship that’s about to run its course, and they want to check out the options. Or they have a habit of digital window shopping. In either case, you’ve got an unavailable man on your hands, and aren’t you worth meeting someone who has a clean slate just like you do?

Remember to Watch Your Behavior, Too, and Realize That There are Other Fish in the Dating Sea

If you meet someone who fits the description of any of these personality types, know that you’re not alone. And, if you heed our advice and take swift and determined action, you’ll be dodging a bullet. Once that’s resolved, don’t worry. With millions of singles dating online, it’s just a matter of time before you meet someone respectful and kind who is worthy of a woman with your qualities.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new book, Angel with a Broken Wing is now for sale on Amazon!

 

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

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