Sun Stories: Jazmin – Guess Girl – Chapter 6

“I trust you. I just want the feeling more than the fear I am feeling now.”

“Charles…. I think I’m ready.”

I tap on the closed-door. It’s now 8:30pm.

“Come in, please.”

When I enter the room, Jazmin is sitting on the edge of the sun bed. Her red blouse looks angry with me because of what’s on my mind.

Jazmin’s eyes look frightened and worried. But I know from her words she wants to try.

I smile warmly and enter the room.

“You okay?”

“Yea.”

Jazmin is sitting there like a patient in a doctor’s office. The yellow towel covers her lap. She’s done everything I’ve asked her to do, and as alien as this, I feel this is how it should go down. (Literally!)

She looks beautiful, nervous, and hopeful all in the same moment. Her dark eyes are innocent and she smiles weakly.

Gone is the sultry goddess.

I like that.

I’m about to use my expertise on a neophyte. She may be breaking some rules but I think she’s tired of waiting and horny. That’s okay. I’ll help relieve her of her burden and I hope we’re not breaking any rules.

“I’m really nervous. What do I do now Charles?”

“I’m going to grab some towels for my knees. The floor is hard and I’m not getting any younger, sweetheart.”

“Okay…”

“You’re fine. Just stay there. You’re doing great.”

“I’m actually feeling excited about this now.”

“Good. That’s the way this should be, dear.”

I grab some towels from beneath the counter because I know my old knees will break on the goddamn hardwood floors. It’s weird when even when you’re in the middle of a curious sex act shit can go wrong on a functional level.

I position the fluffy towels on the floor to cushion my knees and I think we’re ready to go.

As long as Jazmin is ready to go.

Lovely Jaz is on the sunbed. She’s laying vertically across it and her legs are hanging off the edge. Her skirt is folded on the table and her panties are laying on top of them. They’re white and lacy.

Jazmin is on the sun bed and her bottom is at the edge of the bed as if she’s ready to go, but she has a yellow towel over her sex.

This is a side of our clients I should never see. But here we are. There’s some mad extortion shit going down right now. It’s a mess I need to get myself out of because I need to protect the salon. (Yea, right.)

But my heart wants to please Jazmin. It’s like a mission to me. That’s how I’m a giver and a pleaser of girls. It sounds juvenile, but that’s how I am with women. I live to please and love them. I ‘ll give all until there’s nothing left of me. (Michelle knew this about me)

I slowly walk into room 9 and Jazmin is lying back on the bed. Her caramel thighs are spread and the little yellow towel is draped between her legs.

She looks really beautiful and vulnerable. Here is a girl who’s a business person and is the sole architect of this unique sexual predicament.

“I’m ashamed about how you’ll feel when you see me.”

“It’s nothing I haven’t seen before, Jaz.”

“But maybe I’m not as pretty and prim as girls you know.”

“Breathe, Jaz. I’m here to bring you joy for a few minutes if you still want it. The way you look has nothing to do with how happy you’ll be.”

“What if I have an ugly sex? No man will want that.”

“Okay. Breathe. There’s no such thing as that. That’s just how you’re made and it doesn’t matter. All women are different and all beautiful.  There are no ugly girl parts! Men love them all and are just happy to spend time with you.”

“Okay. I’m so stupid.”

“No. You’re a lovely woman. You’re learning things about yourself right now.”

“Okay… So what now….?

Jazmin was sitting on the edge of the sun bed. She was dressed from the waist up like I told her. I saw her skirt folded on the table and her panties folded on her skirt. (My eyes dart back and forth to consume the memory) I could see she had taken a towel from the sink outside the room and put it under herself as a little cushion. She also had another towel in her lap covering herself. But I couldn’t see anything. At this moment, we’re all business and nerves.

“Okay, Charles… So I’m scared. Thank you for turning the music back on. Shall we get to it?” She started to cry a little bit.

“Aww Jaz… You don’t have to do this. You can go home right now. I mean it.” (I’m actually tearing up) She’s completely covered by the towel but her skirt and panties are off and she’s only covered by a little hand towel.

This has to be incredibly difficult for her. Gone is the cocky woman I met a few weeks ago.

“I’m scared Charles, but I’m excited and I’m thinking I’m ready for the thing you do.”

“Okay. Time for the thing you asked for Jazmin.”

“Wait.”

“Yes… love?”

“I’m afraid to look upon you when you perform this act upon me.”

“Well… look away, dear. Because it’ll be magical and you don’t need to see it to feel it.”

“Wait.”

“What dear?”

“What if you wear a blindfold so you don’t have to look upon me. Then you won’t see my  sex.”

“I need to see what I’m doing , Jaz. I can’t please you blindly. It’s impossible. I need to see what I’m doing.”

 (Total bold-faced life. I can totally eat a sweet box with zero vision. I’ve done it since the 70’s in the dark.)

“Okay, what if I wear a blindfold so I only feel it and never see it?”

“That’s up to you Jaz.”

“I want that. Let me only feel the tactile. I want to see nothing.”

“Are you sure?”

“I am.”

“Okay. I’ll be right back.”

I hate this interruption, but I have to do what must be done, and I go to room 5 and grab a tie I left hanging in there from my old corporate days.

 

I return to room 9 with my nervous girl.

“Ready? I have this.” I hold the black and red tie my daughter gave me for my birthday years ago.

“Mm, hmm” she murmurs to me….. accepting the inevitably of her twisted wish.

“You okay?”

“Yes. I’m ready.”

“Everything’s fine. You’re almost there, Jazmin.” I say, as I tie the fabric over her eyes covering her vision from what I’m about to do to her.

This act has just heightened the experience for me. More control.

Now we have a perfectly beautiful 24-year-old girl blindfolded on a sunbed with her pants off and her legs spread prepared for the inevitable.

“Are you okay, Jaz?”

“Yes. It’s better this way. If I can’t see I will be less ashamed.”

“Do you feel safe?”

“I do. I trust you. I just want the feeling more than the fear I’m feeling now.”

“That’s good Jazmin. Just breathe. It’s going to be nice.”

I step back for a moment. Here is a young Persian beauty that was going to blackmail me because of something she saw, and now has turned it into a secret desire. I’m in a classic predicament here.

She’s gorgeous and sitting in bed 9. No pants on. Legs spread and now blindfolded for the taking. This is beyond anything I could have imagined happening in my life. But I want to do it. Jazmin is ready. She wants me to perform. I’m a pleaser and a giver and I’m used to this with whoever I’m with.

I have to do this.

Kita’s face appears in my mind. Giggling and squealing. I push her vision aside.

We’ve reached critical mass.

I just need to drop to my knees and do what I’m good at.

I feel a twinge of guilt.

I push it away.

“Okay, Charles.” She is breathing heavily and my lovely girl leans back and spreads her legs wider.

“Help me.”

“Okay, Jazmin.”

I slowly pull the towel away to reveal the beauty we are both about to receive.

The blog writes itself…

 

 

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Cherie – Chapter 61 – Movie Date

Cherie’s been going through a lot as always. School. Graduating in June with a BS in Psychology that she has worked so hard for. Raising her son and working at CHOP.

A bunch of shit I could never deal with. But the last time she was chilly to me was the last time she cam down here. She was never like that. She was closed the whole day until we went back to the house and had sex.

Once that happened she was having explosive orgasms and loving me like she always did.

Noted.

I know what I need to do to break her wall of defense.

It was pretty clear clear cut. She was shitty to me until I fucked her and got all of the negative energy out of her and she came back to me.

My Cherie was back after we had sex and I was walking her to her car.

I have to deal with this. Life could be worse. What middle aged man wouldn’t want a hot, smart, beautiful, fit girl that drives 40 miles to come to your house and makes love to you and wants nothing from you.

It’s uncanny. But it’s worked beautifully for 2 years.  Cherie is busy with medical school and work and I’m building businesses in Rittenhouse. We both work so much it’s nearly impossible to see each other.

But we’ve decided to try to be better. She knows the Saturdays I’m off and we are making it work.

I broke the shell two weeks ago, but she’s coming down today and what will it look like?

I know what works, but Cherie tells me she’s on her period so there will be no swimming in the waters during shark week.

I’m fine with that. My relationship with Cherie isn’t driven by sex. You would think that based on all of the mad sex we have, but no.

If baby says it’s off limits I’m fine with it.

Do you know why?

The sex with Cherie is some mind bending explosive mayhem of joy, but if I can’t have her, I’m super happy to date her.

Our time is limited and the sex is amazing but if she says it’s off limits but wants to come to the city I LOVE taking her on dates. Pizza, the movies! Anything she wants. Because she never wants anything from me. She’s just happy to be with me.

So if I can’t be with her I’m actually happy to take my girlfriend that I love on a proper date and spend some money on her.

Because she wants nothing from me!

I survive a horrible LYFT ride from some crazy woman that actually seems certifiable but make it to the theater on time. I text Cherie and tell her I’ve arrived.

I love Cherie and am happy she’s making the trek to come to the city. She’s stuck in traffic so our chances of seeing the film we were supposed to see is blown.

I don’t even care because it’s my first day off in a month and I’m just happy to see my baby. We can see whatever she wants.

She parks and rolls in late. Again, I don’t even care because I’m just happy to see my girlfriend. The woman that I really love.

We decide on the remake of Deathwish by Eli Roth and it’s awesome.

Cherie complains of tummy troubles but I plow buttery popcorn and diet coke into my gullet.

She seems different.

I’m doing everything I can to pump her up and tell her how much I adore her and how great she is, but it just seems misspent.

At this point I don’t even see it because I’m so happy to be taking my love on a date. I love dates!

Death Wish is a hard film. Bruce Willis. Eli Roth directs. That’s going to be some hard shit. The original in the 70’s is actually worse and one of the gang members was actually Jeff Goldblum! Check it out.

I’ve seen a lot of mad films in my life, but like my father before me, I’ve softened. I can’t take films like that anymore. I’ve been a husband and a dad. I don’t want to see that. It was upsetting, but once retribution happens, I’m, loving it hard.

But I notice Cherie isn’t being her loving, passionate self.

I’m fine. I don’t know what her current deal is so I even compensate with how great she is and how much I love her.

After the movie we kiss in her Saab and I cup her supple breast as our tongues swirl. But it all feels forced. By me. That’s never how I roll. All my love and sex is always a mutual celebration.

What’s up with Cherie?

We drive around a bit and then she ends up dropping me off and going home. I know she’s on her moons but what’s up with my girl?

Things seem amiss.

She texts me that she made it home safe.

But then there’s something else she says.

To be continued…

 

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How to Know if Someone Likes You Back: 15 Subtle Signs People Miss

You have butterflies for someone, but of course, you want to know if the feelings are mutual. Learning how to know if someone likes you back IS possible.

How to know if someone likes you back is something we can figure it out together. Listen, I’ve been head over heels countless times on dates or just talking to a guy. I stuttered like crazy, fidgeted, and blushed like I broke out in a rash.

When I really liked someone, I could never play it cool. I mean, I knew I was into them, I was already planning our wedding and what we would name our kids. Okay, maybe not… actually, yes, yes, I did do that.

But while that was happening, I had no idea how they felt back. And let’s be honest, if a relationship is going to happen, you both need to like each other. It can’t be one-sided.

How to know if someone likes you back

If you’ve been on a first date already, or you’re meeting them for the first time, you want to get a general idea of what they think about you. Of course, you may not fall in love right away, but if they like you and you like them, well, that’s a nice recipe for possibility.

And I know you want to tell them how you feel but getting the courage to bring up that topic is always easier when you know they’re into you. So, let’s get this show on the road!

#1 They mirror you. Okay, not like a French mime, but when we like someone, the signs they display are usually very subtle. If you cross your legs, they cross their legs. If you’re standing with your arms on your waist, they’re doing the same. Mirroring helps create a subconscious bond with the other person.

#2 You feel it. I’m all about intuition. Most of us ignore our gut instinct, but you should never ignore what your body is trying to tell you. If there’s something inside of you saying, “this person likes me,” you’re probably right. At the same time, if your body is saying, “this person is creepy,” then you’re also right. Don’t deny your feelings.

#3 They always try to touch you. Not in a creepy way. If someone is having their hands all over you, sure they may like you, but that’s also harassment. This form of touching isn’t what I’m talking about. When you’re making a joke or playing a game together, they’ll find a reason to touch you affectionately. Maybe they’ll touch your arm or back.

#4 They’re always around you. They just always seem to be near you. Whether it’s at work or school, wherever you look there they are. I used to do this all of the time.

I wanted my crush to see me; I wanted to be near him. They want to be close to you, and, well, that’s why they’re always standing next to you.

#5 They get rid of the barriers. If you are sitting together for lunch, they’re going to try to remove any obstacles between you. Whether it’s the salt and pepper shakers or a cup, they’re going to make an open space. Now, if they don’t do this, it doesn’t mean they don’t like you. It just means you  haven’t built a bond yet.

#6 They remember the important things. If you’re wondering how to know if someone likes you back, ask yourself if they pay attention to details around you. If you have a big exam coming up or it’s your birthday, they remember these dates. Usually, unless it’s your family or close friends, people don’t remember these specific details. But if they like you, they’re investing energy in getting to know you. 

#7 They always laugh at your jokes. And trust me, some of your jokes aren’t funny. But when someone likes you, they’ll always laugh at jokes. If they’re not laughing at your jokes, it shows you they didn’t like the joke. And if they’re into you, they don’t want you to think that.

#8 They lean into you. If someone isn’t interested in you, they’re not going to try to get into your personal space or show they like you. Instead, they make more space between you and them. But, if they dig you, they’ll lean in forward and face you, removing the distance. This is a great sign they’re into you.

#9 They’re nervous when making eye contact. The eyes will tell you everything when it comes to figuring out how to know if someone likes you back. Some people are more confident and have no problem engaging in eye contact. And, if that was the case with this person, you would already know where you stand with them. But some people are shy. And in this case, they’re going to be nervous making eye contact with you. 

#10 They love asking you questions. When we like someone, we want to get to know them. So, that’s why we ask a lot of questions. If this person is asking you more personal questions, it’s a good sign they’re interested in you. If they didn’t like you, they wouldn’t care about your family, hobbies, or favorite movies.

#11 Watch their feet. This isn’t about having a foot fetish. This may sound a little weird, but if someone likes you, their feet will point in your direction. It’s a subtle sign, but body language is a huge indicator of how someone feels about you. Whether they’re sitting down or standing, their feet will be pointed in your direction.

#12 Drunk dial, anyone? Have you received a drunk dial from them? Come on, you know what that means. If they’re calling or texting you after a couple of drinks, I think it’s safe to say you’re on their mind. And you know the saying, “drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.” 

#13 They’ll try to hang out with you as much as they can. If they like you, they’ll find all the reasons in the world to hang out with you. Whether it’s a new movie coming out or it’s sunny outside, they just want to spend time with you. And we all know people don’t waste their time on someone they’re not interested in.

#14 They’re all over your social media. Whatever picture you post or story you make, they’re all over it. Social media isn’t just for communication. You can also use it as a way to see who’s watching you *in a non-creepy way*. If they’re commenting on your posts and sending you private messages, they like you.

#15 Their friends like you. Obviously, their friends know about you. And this is something you should be paying attention to. If they’re cracking jokes about the two of you or letting you into their circle, it’s a good sign they have given the thumbs up of approval.

 

Now that you’ve figured how to know if someone likes you back, what do you think? Does this person like you back? If you’re not sure, well, why don’t you ask them?

 

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If You Recognize Any Of These Signs, You Might Be A Sex Addict

Are you a sex addict?

What is sex addiction?

Sex addiction, officially referred to by the World Health Organization as Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder, looks a lot like alcoholism and drug addiction except the”drug of choice” is sexual fantasy and activity, rather than an addictive substance.

Is addiction a disease? What are the signs of addiction of the sexual nature?

Like all other types of addiction, sex addiction is identified based on three primary criteria:

  • Preoccupation to the point of obsession with the substance or behavior of choice.
  • Loss of control over the use of the substance or behavior, typically evidenced by failed attempts to quit or cut back.
  • Directly related negative consequences — relationship trouble, issues at work or in school, declining physical health, depression, anxiety, diminished self-esteem, isolation, financial woes, loss of interest in previously enjoyable activities, legal trouble, etc.

If you’re like most people, you readily understand the concept of substance addiction. If you are not addicted to anything, yourself (like cigarettes, alcohol, prescription medications, illicit drugs, etc.), you probably know someone who is.

At the very least, you’ve seen relatively accurate portrayals of substance abuse on television and in the movies.

Behavioral addictions — like sex addiction — are usually more difficult to fathom. Nevertheless, people can and do become addicted to behaviors just as often and just as easily as they become addicted to highly pleasurable, self-soothing, and dissociative substances — and with similarly problematic results.

For an active sex addict, sexual fantasies and behavior are priority number one. Sexual activity (either solo or with others) takes place no matter what, regardless of potential or actual consequences.

Often, sex addicts will tell themselves, But before long, they’re right back at it, showing and engaging in the same or very similar behavior.

Sex addicts organize their lives around sexual fantasy and the behaviors that follow. They spend inordinate amounts of time thinking about, planning for, pursuing, and engaging in sexual activity.

Sex becomes an obsession to the point where important relationships, interests, and responsibilities are ignored. Nearly always, sex addicts find themselves living a double life, keeping their sexual acting out hidden and a secret from family, friends, and everyone else who matters to them.

Sex addiction symptoms and patterns of fantasy-driven behavior that are typically exhibited by sex addicts include (but are by no means limited to) the following:

  • Compulsive use of pornography, with or without masturbation
  • Compulsive use of one or more digital sexologies — webcams, sexting, dating/hookup websites and apps, virtual reality sex games, sexual devices, etc.
  • Consistently being “on the hunt” for sexual activity
  • Multiple ongoing affairs or brief “serial” relationships
  • Consistent involvement with strip clubs, adult bookstores, adult movie theaters, sex clubs, and other sex-focused environments
  • Engaging in prostitution and/or sensual massage (hiring or providing)
  • A pattern of anonymous and/or casual sex hookups with people met online or in-person
  • Repeatedly engaging in unprotected sex
  • Repeatedly engaging in sex with potentially dangerous people or in potentially dangerous places
  • Seeking sexual experiences without regard to immediate or long-term potential consequences
  • A pattern of minor sexual offenses such as voyeurism, exhibitionism, frotteurism, etc.

Like other addicts, sex addicts typically use their behavior as a way to “numb out” and escape from stress and emotional (and sometimes physical) discomfort — including the pain of underlying emotional and/or psychological issues like depression, anxiety, early-life trauma, and the like.

In other words, sex addicts don’t use compulsive sexual fantasies and behaviors to feel good and have fun, they use them to feel less (i.e., to distract themselves from what they are feeling). As such, sexual addiction is not about having fun, it’s about controlling what one feels.

 

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California Dreamin’ – 1982 to 1984 – I Can Deal With This

I was in a bar down in Venice Beach, having a beer and this girl starts talking to me. She seems OK, but the bar is dark. Band on stage is loud. Hard to tell.

She asks me if I want to go out to her truck and smoke a joint.

“Yes, please.”

When we wander out of the bar, the bright lights outside illuminate her face in a disturbing way. I ignore what I am seeing. Not that hot.

“So where is your car?”

“I thought we were going to your truck.”

“No, we are going to your car.”

OK. I can deal with this.

We get to my VW minibus, and she says “Where is the joint?”

“I thought you had a joint.”

“No. Take me home.”

OK. I can deal with this.

So, I start driving her home. As I am driving, she starts rambling.

“You can fuck me. You can screw me. You can do anything you want to me.”

OK. Maybe I can deal with this.

As we approach her apartment she says: “I sure hope my boyfriend isn’t home.”

Oh, fuck. Can I deal with this?

She points to a convenience store and says “Pull in there, and go buy me a 12 pack of beer.”

“I’m not buying you a 12 pack.”

So she gets out of the car to buy beer. I definitely cannot deal with this.  I shift my van  into reverse, and race off into the night.

I didn’t go back to that bar for a year.

 

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The Scientific Reason Why People Make Bad Decisions When They Fall In Love

“Drunk in love” is a very real thing!

Falling in love and being in a healthy relationship is something most of us want to experience in our lives.

When we fall in love, it’s as if the world stops and life as we know it has just shifted, changed, and improved. We are suddenly enchanted, a better version of ourselves.

Everything suddenly feels different, better, and alive.

In a relationship, especially a brand new one, all we want to do is be with our partner. Nothing is more important than cultivating our growing new reality: us.

We have never felt happier, more exhilarated, or more ourselves. We pinch ourselves to make sure it is real, and not a dream.

We are in love.

Falling in love, in some ways, feels like the ultimate “trust fall” game — trusting our partner enough to allow ourselves to fall, to let go. The falling is thrilling, but being held is intoxicating — so intoxicating that we don’t want to stand back up.

And this is where we might find ourselves forgetting (or at least setting aside) routines and habits that we know are good for us.

Nothing feels as important or fulfilling as being in love with our partner, and biologically speaking, this is by design, according to research by Helen Fisher and Lucy Brown.

Discarding other interests and goals allows us biologically to bond with our partner so strongly that we will stick with each other, and ideally create and raise offspring.

Anthropologically speaking, mating might be the most important thing we do to ensure our survival and that of our species.

So important is romantic love to our species’ survival, Fisher argues, that our brain allows us to put aside almost all other obligations and needs just long enough to ensure for this possibility: 18-24 months.

Floating along the current of this intoxicating new love can take us new and wonderful places, but it also can tempt us to put aside self-care and other responsibilities that are important to our happiness and well-being.

We put these things off, but it doesn’t work.

As we avoid important aspects of our life, we start to feel unsettled, irritable, even resentful — resentful at the very responsibilities themselves, that they somehow can’t be shared, or indefinitely ignored like we might wish they could.

And even anxious about how we will be able to balance the needs of the relationship against our own personal ones. It feels so good to be loved and taken care of that it can feel hard to take care of ourselves.

Love can do this — trick us into thinking we are done being responsible for our health and wellness. But without our health and wellness, our love and relationships will suffer too.

The key is to listen to that whispering anxiety telling you what you’ve let slide for too long.

You know where your life is tipping out of balance, and you know what you need to do.

Maybe it’s paying your bills, cutting your grass, or doing your laundry. Or maybe it’s buckling down on a work project you’ve been putting off or making time to see a friend or family member you’ve been neglecting.

Perhaps your target should be healthier food choices, and getting back to the gym a few mornings a week instead of cuddling in bed.

Creating boundaries that allow you to reclaim your individual needs allows you to be the healthiest person you can be, which in turn keeps your relationship strong and healthy.

It’s OK not to want to make room for the mundane chores of self-care, it might feel really hard and frustrating to get back on track.

But it’s also OK to push through and do it anyway.

Getting started might be hard, but tending to your needs will set you up to feel less anxiety and more balance, and in turn, strengthen your relationship.

Balance is the goal when it comes to translating romantic love into lasting love.

The love between two healthy individuals is what sets the stage for lasting love and healthy relationships — and the life partnership we so want.

 

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Servers Share The Worst First Date They’ve Ever Witnessed – Part 2

Why She Loved That Waitress

I was the person on a terrible first date.

It was unusual because he picked a very fancy location that was way out of town (like an hour drive), I normally prefer casual dates like walking in the park, or coffee but he insisted we go.

I arrived first and when I sat down I ordered a drink (strawberry lemonade I don’t drink alcohol) and was talking to the waitress saying I was waiting on a date, she was super nice to me and said “oh I hope it’s fun good luck!”

Once he arrived suddenly her mood shifted, she gave him an attitude when he ordered. He was trying to bully me into getting some alcohol but I was firm and said I would stick to my strawberry lemonade. Throughout the date he kept trying to order me vodka.

Waitress was being really weird and kept complimenting me and giving me free lemonades, refills every two minutes and basically giving him dirty looks and stayed close by always watching. The guy was being a prick about the situation and started acting rude, “I hope she’s not gonna charge for those.” He looked incredibly angry and uncomfortable.

I was starting to wonder why this waitress was being so mean so I went to the bathroom and waited to flag her down.

She told me he goes there every other weekend with a new girl and that the girls would walk out of there acting very drunk.

I did confront him and he admitted he gets girls drunk to sleep with him with pressure tactics. I took off right when he said that and the waitress took me to my car, I made sure to give all the cash I had as a tip.

I seriously love that waitress, and I’ll never forget her.

Blasted Racist

Not a server but a bartender. My girlfriend was serving an obvious first date and they were ordering an alarming amount of drinks with 30 minutes of sitting down, I ask my gf what was going and and she said the girl was doing all of the shots they ordered. I walked from behind the bar to the bathroom purely to check in on the situation and good lord this girl on the date was blasted and just dropping the f-bomb every other word.

Eventually the chick went outside to smoke and the dude B-lined to the bar and asked if he could give me money for the waitress and sneak out (actually gave $200 for a $70 tab so nice)…the girl came back in and ate the food they ordered then tried to order more drinks. Had to throw her out and she started calling me the n word. I’m very much a white dude. Bizarre night that my girl and I still talk about years later.

The Hipster King And His Moral Mountain

Oh yes! I’ve got the mother of all hipster dates!

So I was at Father’s Office, it’s kind of a trendy beer /hipster/ amazing food/ show that is wall to wall packed every night.My friends and I are enjoying what could possibly be the best burger ever made. I’m drinking a beer.

This place is set up kind of strange. You have 2 bars along the back wall, some tables in the middle for dinner and a ring of booths around the rest of the bar. Not a lot of room to move around or really have private space. It didn’t really bother me because I was having an orgasmic out of body experience with this burger.

Until in walks the king of all of the Los Angeles hipsters…

This guy had every article of hipster clothing on. That stupid Amish hat, the fruit pattern button up shirt sleeve shirt, the swacket (sweater-jacket), burgundy corduroy pants, and yes deck shoes. His face was adorned with your typical hipster add ons; the septum piercing, gauges, those awful Harry Potter glasses, patchy stubble and a 80’s porn star mustache. Bracelets clanking off his Apple watch he saunters in to the bar and plops himself in the booth behind me. My back is to his back, and I can feel the Mumford and Sons rolling out of his soul.

He orders some nonsense beer and begins to make “work” calls on his ridiculous watch… in a bar loud enough to bother my deaf uncle. So pretentious. His voice sounds like the Chipmunks smoked camel unfiltered’s and drank wild turkey. I am immediately in hate with this walking skidmark on the underwear of society.

That is until the crowds around the bar part and in walks the most incredibly attractive ordinary girl I’ve ever seen. I know that sounds confusing but just think about it. We’ve all seen someone like that before, nothing really special about them… But all of the normality is just perfect. She is wearing jeans with a black v-neck shirt. She is rocking some really nice Jimmy Choo’s (yes I know what those are don’t judge me) I can tell she just got done with work because she has that “I want to go home and make love to my bed” look.

She smiles at our table as she walks by and then very sensually slides into the booth with the hipster King. My friends and I give each other that “here comes the show” look. He introduces himself, she introduces herself it’s fairly normal conversation.

Then she asks what he does for work and the gates of hipster hell open. Apparently, he is the most accomplished man in the entire city of LA. He is a writer, a director, an actor, a vegan food expert, wine expert, tech genius who makes million dollar apps as a hobby, has a charity, and most importantly is involved in the weed industry. He says all of this in the most condescending tone possible; like she could never measure up to his incredible portfolio.

My table is struggling not to laugh as we listen to this modern day million dollar man tell this girl that he is probably a way better human being than she could ever hope to be. How he is totally down with black lives matter, how he donated buckets of money to Hillary Clinton’s campaign. His moral fiber is so strong that scientist are trying to use it to catch meteors.

Now at this point I can’t see her face, remember she is facing my back. But I have to see how she is reacting to this guy’s PR interview… so I very casually stand up to stretch… and as I put my arms out I turn my head to look at her. She has this look of confusion sprinkled with disgust and a little dash of just being done with this entire situation. I unfortunately catch her eye and we link telepathically. Her eyes are saying “Can you believe this?”

My eyes respond “I’d save you but I don’t want his words touching the air around me.”

I finish my stretch and sit back down. My friends are giggling like a bunch of girls drunk on box wine. He is rambling on about how corporate America is responsible for all the evils in the world. I hear a very loud sigh and she finally says:

“Look my friend set this up, I’m really tired from work and I don’t want to sit here and watch you build this moral high ground mountain that you’re apparently so intent on building. Have a great night best of luck.”

You could hear the air leaving this man child’s body as she got up and walked away. Disappearing into the crowd like a victorious warrior.

But that wasn’t the end!

He gathered his thoughts and started making calls on his watch as loudly as possible so everyone could hear how important he is. He sat at that table nursing that one beer for an entire hour. Just being an in-the-way person, a person so repugnant that the wait staff didn’t even come to his table. Oh and the cherry on top of the douche Sunday? He only tipped 10% on his bill.

Pokemon

Couple years ago, I was tending bar at a high-end steak joint. A pretty brunette walked in and sat down at the bar. After fixing her a cocktail, I asked if she’d like to see a dinner menu. She explained that she was waiting for a date.

A few moments later, the guy arrived carrying a large bag.

It was immediately obvious this date was their first. Their conversation was lurching from forced to downright painful when he reached into the bag and pulled out an album containing…

…his Pokemon card collection.

He set the book on the bar and thumbed through each page, thoroughly and lovingly describing every card, attempting to educate his date in the ways of Japanese pocket monsters. I’ll be fair to the guy – dude was passionate.

She feigned an emergency and called her friend to pick her up. He stayed and ate a plain hamburger at the bar. Both of these people were in their mid-30’s.

 

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