How to Survive Infidelity and Betrayal Without Betraying Yourself

Learning your spouse has had or is having an affair is earth-shattering. In an instant, the implicit trust you’ve given them – and built your life upon – evaporates. And, shell-shocked, you’re left wondering how to survive infidelity and betrayal and move forward.

When you discover your spouse has lied to you about their fidelity, it’s natural to wonder what else they’ve been duplicitous about. When you’re married, it’s also natural to define yourself in terms of your marriage.

So, it makes sense that when you discover that your marriage wasn’t what you thought it was, you seriously question how you’ll survive and what is real.

And the only way to begin answering these questions for yourself is to gain clarity on what has happened, what it means to you, and what you want for your life.

What is the difference between infidelity and betrayal?

According to the dictionary, infidelity is the action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse or other sexual partner. In other words, infidelity is about sex.

Wikipedia defines betrayal in this way: Betrayal is the breaking or violation of a presumptive contract, trust, or confidence that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship…

By being unfaithful, your spouse has betrayed you. And there are moral and psychological repercussions for the two of you and everyone else involved.

There’s no one way to deal with your spouse’s disregard for your marriage and monogamy. Some betrayed spouses choose to end their marriage. And some couples choose to look at creating a new marriage for themselves from the ashes of the previous one.

Neither of these paths forward is easy. And neither is the choice between them. Yet you will need to choose a way forward if you’re to be successful in your quest to survive infidelity and betrayal.

What percentage of marriages survive infidelity?

According to NPR, about 40 percent of American marriages are shaken to their cores by affairs. And of those marriages, more than half survive the infidelity.

Yet, just because other people make their marriages work after the betrayal of adultery, that doesn’t mean it’s in your best interest to make your marriage work.

You’ll need to decide what’s best for you and your situation.

How to survive infidelity and betrayal by choosing to make your marriage work

There are definitely good reasons for you to decide to save your marriage.

  • You have children together.
  • You have significant shared property.
  • You have been together for a long time.
  • You both love each other and are determined to do what it takes to make things right again.

If this is the path you ultimately choose, both of you will have a lot of work to do on yourselves before your marriage is whole again.

  • Committing to putting in the required effort and energy.
  • Being transparent with your spouse about what you’re thinking and feeling.
  • Releasing the betrayal.
  • Making time to work on intimacy as you become more comfortable with your spouse.
  • Being willing to create a new version of your marriage that works for both of you.

These tasks aren’t easy. They’ll require you to explore parts of yourself and your beliefs you’ve never dealt with before.

How to get through the infidelity and betrayal by divorce

On the other hand, there are good reasons to end your marriage too. Some of them include:

  • Denial of the problems that led to the infidelity and betrayal.
  • Inability to get past the anger and release the betrayal.
  • Persistent and consistent feelings of rejection.

If divorce is the truest way for you to move forward from what your spouse has done, you’ll still be faced with a tremendous about of work to do on yourself.

Some guidelines for include:

  • Accept that your marriage is over.
  • Remember that you didn’t cause the infidelity or betrayal.
  • Consider your own role in the marriage.
  • Expect to grieve – a lot.
  • Fake a smile if you have to.
  • Be grateful for every little thing.
  • Don’t drown in legalities.
  • Set long-term goals.
  • Forgive yourself and your ex.
  • Take good care of yourself.

Choosing divorce as your path forward from your spouse’s affair is difficult too. There is no one correct answer to getting through betrayal. Yet you do need to move forward.

Ultimately, the only way to survive infidelity and betrayal without betraying yourself is to get clear about what you  want. Don’t rush to decide what you want. Take your time to do your research and begin healing.

It’s only when you begin to have an idea of what could lie ahead that you’ll be able to make the best choice for how you want to move forward with your life.

 

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The Beach House – Chapter 12

“She was driving, Mr. Tomlinson.” Good God! She’s blaming herself. “The report listed distracted driving as the cause.” He paused for a moment, then continued when I didn’t interject again. “Ms. Perez stopped showing up for work after the accident and was terminated about four months after the accident. She had refused counseling, and the hospital had to let her go.” Another pause, then he continued, “In October of that year her home was repossessed by the bank. I was unable to find where she went next. About six months ago she surfaced at the Causeway Apartments. Suite Number 224. The “suites” are basically one room apartments paid weekly. The Causeway Apartments are in a seedy part of town.” Frank paused again. “Do you still want me to continue Mr. Tomlinson?”

“Yes.” I wasn’t feeling very well anymore.

“By the time she arrived there, she was addicted to heroin.” He paused again, then continued into my silence. “She earned money for her habit through prostitution.” He spoke the last sentence quickly and moved on. My hands were shaking. “She is currently two weeks in arrears for the apartment. Her belongings are now in storage on site, and no one knows her current location.” I wasn’t really prepared for this much. I now knew why she hated herself. I knew why she would never tell me everything. Fuck me! I still loved her. I had to find the out the rest.

“Frank, I really appreciate your discretion.” I paused while I collected my thoughts. “I just purchased a small boat to replace one Ms. Perez wrecked. Bob will have the owner information. I need to know what happened four nights ago when the boat was wrecked.”

“I can look into it, Mr. Tomlinson, but it’s my experience that these things never seem to get better.” He was a bit hesitant to continue. I think he sensed that I was more than just concerned.

“Just do it Frank. Double your normal rate and contact me only.” The rest of the world will just have to guess.

“It will take me a day or two. I’ll get back to you when I have something.” He was all business.

“Thank you Frank.” I hung up the phone. I wasn’t sure anymore about confronting Mia. There was a bit more pain than I was expecting. I wiped my eyes dry, put on a smile, and headed back to the house.

Mia was laughing with Bob when I entered. I caught a quick imitation of my expression attempting to swallow a vitamin on Mia’s face. New clothes, nice house, and normal conversation. She didn’t look like she belonged to her past anymore. I wasn’t looking forward to disturbing her new image. Wally saw me walking in.

“Thanks for the tour Dale.” He was all smiles.”I’ve got to get back to the grind. It takes everything I’ve got to keep that clinic going.” He patted Mia on the shoulder and headed toward the door. “I am so happy you’re doing so well.” Mia kissed his cheek and sent him on his way. As soon as the door closed her expression turned darker and she turned to me.

“Am I allowed to know what you two were talking about on the beach.” She had a determined look on her face, and I could sense a little fear behind it.

“Wally thinks it’s a bad idea that I’ve gotten so close to you.” I felt a little honesty would be best. I may keep things from her, but lying wasn’t a good option. She sighed.

“He’s right, you know. I’m not really a good person to get close to.” She looked at me with a sad expression.

“He wasn’t worried about me, he was worried about you. He was afraid I might change my mind and cause you to relapse.” I saw a shiver run up her spine, and a little fear appear in her eyes. I felt a little more honesty was necessary. I caught her eyes with mine. “I told him I was fully committed to you.” Mia dropped her guard and moved quickly into my arms.

“I don’t deserve you.” She was holding me very tight. I smiled inside knowing it was I who didn’t deserve her. I pissed on the world for so long that I should have died a lonely old man. I now saw a shared future. I had to get her to drop her past like she has gotten me to forget mine. I didn’t care who she used to be, I only cared who she was now.

“I have to go out and take care of some business this morning. Can I leave you alone for a few hours?” I smiled and gave her a quick kiss. She kissed me back a bit longer.

“I’m not going anywhere.” She was getting more comfortable with me. I could feel it in the way she caressed the back of my neck and the look in her eyes. God, I didn’t want to see her in tears again.

I grabbed my keys and drove the SUV downtown. The navigator was off by few blocks so I had to circle around a bit. “Seedy” was a nice way of describing this area. I finally found the Causeway Apartments. It looked more like an old run-down hotel. There was an old guy in a grey beard on the front stoop rocking back and forth. It looked like he had deteriorated with the structure.

I wasn’t confident that my vehicle was safe parked here, but I had no good options. I should have paid Frank to come with me. I parked as close as I could get, hopped out, and locked it twice. I walked up to the old man. “Is there a landlord here?”

“More like the land king.” He started laughing at his joke. I could smell his foul breath even though I was a good five feet away. “First door on the left. Can you spare some change?” He held a liver-spotted quivering hand. Screw it, I thought, at least he provided the information first. I reached into my pocket and loosened a ten by touch. I didn’t want to pull out a wad of bills on this street. I handed him the ten.

“Watch my car, will you?” I just nodded to him as I walked past.

“Ain’t no one gonna touch it Mister. Not with Freddy on the job.” He was smiling pretty well. I saw that he was missing about half his teeth. Surprisingly, there was double door entry way to the place. It smelled like stale alcohol, but it must help with the weather. I pushed through the second set and was met with another smell. Unwashed dog was the only thing that was close. I wrinkled my nose and knocked on Suite 101 on the left.

A man slightly bigger than me in a stained wife beater T-shirt answered the door. “What you want?” He sounded like he grew up on the street and was proud of it.

“I am here to bring Mia Perez’s account up to date and pick up her things.” I wasn’t sure I should have put it quite that way. I felt it may have come off a bit snobbish. He just smiled.

“She don’t pay with money asshole, and I ain’t interested in no blowjob from you.” I wasn’t prepared for that. The image of Mia on her knees before this piece of shit hit my brain like a ton of bricks. My fist shot forward before I had a chance to consider where I was. I connected with his face before he had a chance to drop his shitty grin. He dropped on his ass like a sack of potatoes, and blood started coming out of his nose. I had never hit anyone in my life before. My hand was in extreme pain. I struggled to ignore it. The landlord’s expression promised my impending death. He rose, keeping a careful eye on me.

I pulled my money clip out of my pocket. “My investigator has told me that Mia has stayed here for six months.” I started counting out bills and he slowed his rise. “I have no idea what one of these dumps cost.” I kept snapping more bills off the clip. He returned to his feet and took a half a step away from me. His nose was dripping blood on the floor. He didn’t seem bothered by the fact. “This is five thousand dollars that says she was a model tenant, an angel of virtue, and always current with the rent.” I handed him the money. He understood immediately.

“I’m sorry I insulted her, Sir.” He took the money from my hand slowly. “I mistaked the name for someone else. Where would you like Ms. Perez’s belongings?” Greed is a wonderful motivator.

“The black SUV up front.” I handed him another hundred. “Hire some help if you need to. Lose anything that looks like it might be related to drugs or her old profession.” He nodded his head.

“Bobby get out here! We gots work to do.” He was yelling back into the apartment. A younger carbon copy of the landlord appeared from around the corner.

“Damn, Pops! Who did your face?” He was eyeing me with suspicion.

“I ran into the door. We got to load Ms. Perez’s belongings into this gentleman’s SUV.” He was pointing at me. The son didn’t grasp the “gentleman” reference and started to speak.

“You mean that whor…” His father’s hand moved much quicker than mine ever could and slapped his son across the face.

“We don’t make disparaging comments about our best tenants.” The landlord smiled at me and handed his son the hundred. “Let’s get her stuff loaded.” Bobby moved off with renewed vigor after pocketing the hundred. I returned outside to Freddy guarding my car. He was leaned up against it like he owned it.

“Thank you Freddy.” I smiled at him and received a toothless grin in return. It took the father and son team fifteen minutes to load up the five boxes that made up Mia’s life. Bobby must have heard the whole story, because he apologized to me at first sighting. After the SUV was loaded, the landlord came up and indicated they were done.

“I removed some stuff you didn’t want to see.” He looked down toward me. He had a tissue stuffed his right nostril. “Everything else is there; we ain’t no thieves.” Honor among slime, I thought to myself.

“Thank you,” I said. I entered my vehicle and drove away. As soon as I was out of sight, I took a good look at my throbbing hand. It was beginning to bruise and was a bit stiff. I flexed it and figured there were no broken bones. I remembered the feeling when I saw the landlord fall on his ass. It felt good to defend Mia’s honor even though it was unwarranted. I conveniently forgot that I would be in the hospital if the landlord wasn’t so greedy. I drove home the victor.

I found the house empty when I returned. I panicked, kicking myself for leaving her alone. I ran to each room and checked the bathrooms. I grabbed my phone and was about to dial Monica when I spotted some black hair at the top of a lounger under the umbrella. I stopped to catch my breath and laughed to myself. That is exactly where I would be if I were her. I donned a set of swim trunks and headed down.

I found her sound asleep with her finger three chapters deep into The Hobbit. “My fantasy woman” was my only thought. I moved the umbrella to extend her shade time and pulled the other lounger close. I quietly lay on my side to watch her sleep. She was wearing one of the new swimsuits we bought yesterday. I wished it could have been the white bikini. This was a full suit that still revealed her curves. I loved those curves. I watched her chest go up and down slowly almost in time with the waves. My beach was so much better with her on it. It took only a few minutes before I nodded off.

I was awakened later by a soft set of lips kissing my hand. I open my eyes and was met by a quick kiss. “Whose face did this to your hand?” She was lightly caressing my now black and blue knuckles. It looked a lot worse than it felt. There was concern in her eyes. I was about to lie about how it happened. It would just be insulting; she knew why my hand was bruised.

“I don’t want to tell you right now.” I looked into her eyes and prayed she wouldn’t push. She shrugged her shoulders.

“Then I probably don’t want to know.” She grabbed my good hand and pulled up. “It needs some ice though.” She was leading me back to the house. She looked good in her suit. I was hanging back half a step watching her cute butt cheeks go up and down as she made the incline. She caught me out of the corner of her eye. “Stop watching my fat ass,” she said, smiling as she spun around, hiding her behind.

“Sexy butt, sexy breasts. I don’t care which way you walk.” I laughed as she began to blush. The way she filled out the suit, I wasn’t sure if I would prefer the bikini. She built an ice pack inside of a wet towel just like Grandma. I sat on a stool. She pulled up next to me and placed the ice pack across my knuckles. She held it there while she stroked my arm with her other hand. I felt a tremor in her hand as she caressed my arm. I looked up and realized she was putting things together. Her eyes were beginning to water.

 

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A Unique Gift – Chapter 19

https://lapetitemort17.wordpress.com/?p=100

 

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California Dreamin’ – 1982 to 1984 – Frank – Lost Breakfast

Not me in this one but my roommate/band mate, Frank. He struck gold while suitably plastered up in West Hollywood.

He woke up the next day, in a strange apartment. Pleased with himself that he was not alone. Lying next to him was a beautiful babe from the night before. Frank, still suitably enamored, offered to cook her breakfast, tackling the short walk to the store for bacon and eggs by himself.

Alas, all was not well and after 2 hours of knocking on doors he realized he had totally forgotten where she lived.

He called me from a payphone on Sunset while he was walking to the store and told me that he couldn’t remember whether her name was either, ‘Emma’ or ‘Anna’. Then called me again in a panic some time later while looking for her house asking what two names he’d told me she might be called having forgotten both of those as well.

He returned home to me and our stinking apartment where he prepared breakfast for us both with a heavy heart and the bluest of balls.

It was delicious, but he never saw her again.

 

I love this story!

 

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5 Men on the Best One Night Stands They’ve Ever Had

When sharing our one night stand stories, we tend to go for the bad, messy, or funny moments. Everyone has had their share of awkward and uncomfortable hook-ups, and it can be nice to bond over those weird nights. But sometimes we get so focused on when things go wrong, we forget to remember the encounters that are awesome.

Spending one amazing night with someone you’ve just met can be such a release. The great thing about a one night stand is how it just exists in that one time. You feel free to experience the moment, knowing no future meeting will ever taint it.

Maybe you’ve been nervous to have a one night stand, worrying about what it would be like to sleep with someone you just met. Looking for some encouragement before your next spontaneous hookup? Check out these guys’ stories of their best one night stands.

1. She Made Him Feel at Home

“I had been chatting to this girl on Tinder when I was visiting Brisbane for a few days before flying to Melbourne. She randomly text me as I was out walking in the evening asking if I wanted to come over so I said yes. She picked me up in an Uber and we grabbed a few beers and chilled at hers. Turns out ‘hers’ is actually her cousins and his wife’s. They have four dogs so I got to chill with them, the girl and some beer—was awesome. Went back to her room, as it was getting late, and all the good bits happened. The next morning I end up sitting in the dining room with the girl, 4 dogs and the cousin and his wife eating a full English breakfast they made specially for me (I’m from England originally)—a nice little bit of home away from home.” —Mike, 24

2. She Picked Him Up in a Hotel Lobby

“My best one night stand also includes my favorite pick up line. I was on the road, and an amazing girl walked up to me in the hotel lobby (with her three friends behind her watching her hit on me all excited and giggling) and starts up conversation. I wasn’t even thinking about sex or anything at the time, so it didn’t really register to me what was going on until she says, ‘I’ve always wondered what the rooms look like in this hotel.’ Even then it took me a few seconds and then the lightbulb went off and in my head I was like, Oh, so that’s what’s going on right now. Stellar line. Needless to say with a creative personality like that, the rest of the night was fun. Really fun. Hmmm, I wonder what that girl is doing now?” —Anand, 43

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3. They Were Together in the Middle of Nowhere

“I was on an island in Vietnam for three days with no reception. Everyone was canoeing, swimming, and then drinking at night. I was dancing to this DJ and didn’t know where my friends were when I met this Irish girl. We went skinny dipping and as we moved algae glowed in the water. It was so cool. We moved to secluded chairs on the beach after that. Then the next day we left the island and I never saw her again. Such a memorable night.” —Thomas, 21

4. An Amazing Night Following by an Amazing Breakfast

“I met a girl at a bar and we want back to my place, had an amazing night and when I woke up she had made an amazing breakfast (restaurant-quality) and then I left and I never saw her again.” —John, 28

5. He Needed it to Move on

“At 20 I had just gotten out of a multi-year relationship with my high school sweetheart. I hadn’t really figured out how to date as an adult yet, so I hadn’t had sex in over nine months. A friend’s band needed a fill-in bass player for a mini-tour of California. I invited a high school friend to our show in Oakland. She came and brought a friend. Not thinking I had any chance with her, I was completely loose. We went out dancing after the show and had a blast. She and I danced up on a pedestal together. We were cracking each other up with jokes all night and clearly had a connection, but I thought we were just having fun.

“Next thing I know, we’re making out in a car while being driven home. We hooked up that night and again in the morning. While the band went sightseeing during the day, we basically pretended like we were in a relationship. We made a nice breakfast together and did homework together (we were both in college). I treasure the day we spent together. We were so comfortable and relaxed together, the sex was amazing, and the whole experience was just what I needed to get my confidence back.” —Jason, 35

Sarah Fielding Sarah Fielding is a freelance writer based in New York who covers a range of topics for outlets including Men’s Health, Bustle, and Insider, with a special love for mental health and sex and relationships topics.

 

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The Old, The New, The Frank, The Untrue: Changing Faces of Japan’s Sex Industry — OTAKU LOUNGE

Prostitution may be (technically) illegal in Japan – it has been since the 1950s – but the sex industry itself is very much alive and kicking. Want to be chatted to by beautiful women or pretty boys over some pricey drinks? The hostess and host clubs have you covered. Feel like being bathed by an […]

via The Old, The New, The Frank, The Untrue: Changing Faces of Japan’s Sex Industry — OTAKU LOUNGE

Sabrina – More Good News

When I last wrote about Sabrina she had just gotten a great new Marketing job with a company down on the waterfront.

She sent me some photos of her office and view. She has a really nice space and a clear view of the boats docked in the harbor. I’m really happy for her!

She asks if I’m doing my usual Monday routine. I tell her I’m over at Cavanaugh’s writing about when I lived in California n the early eighties with my band. So, yes just a regular Monday.

“I’m so proud of you, Sabrina! You really stepped up and made that new job happen. You’re office is amazing!”

“Thank you! I spoke it into reality with a little help from my friends.”

“You did it. Determination and drive. Proud of you! Now get divorced and get your alimony and freedom!”

“Yes that is next on my list!”

“This is your year, Sabrina! Rise up! Rise above!”

“Yes the last two years I lost everything! Now I’m coming back for everything that I lost and more.”

“Yea! Drop the bars of the cage you’ve been in and walk the heck out! You’re free!”

A week passes…

“Sunday brunch?”

“I work 11 to 4pm at the salon on Sunday, but would love to see you after 4.”

“Yea, then Sunday dinner. Would you be coming to my house in Havertown?”

(Could she mean sex?)

“No way to get there.”

“Oh right. I guess you can Uber? It’s $10-$11 bucks. Or I can meet you in the city if that’s better. I want to get my spray tan soon too. And give you a hug!”

(I like that last part)

“Can you come to the city?”

The next day…

“Hey are you at the tanning salon?”

“I am!”

“Ugh actually I gotta get back to work. I was gonna stop by real quick. I’ll see you Sunday.”

“Cool. See you Sunday.”

 

And it ends there. So Sunday we’ll meet up for some dinner. She doesn’t have to buy me dinner. I think she feels that because of the positive energy I provide and the snap to it assistance in trying to find her additional work, she feels she has to do something for me. I want nothing from her. I’m happy to help people. But if she wants to meet up for dinner, I could at least get the tip. (Remember how I used to always complain about the wallets never coming out? I need to seize her offer and enjoy her company!)

I know a place we can go that has reasonable priced food and is quiet. I was there recently with my friend Mary. (See: Mary – 2015 to Present – Unexpected Table for Two) I’ll figure out some options. But, in the end I’ll just be happy to see Sabrina.

 

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