Cherie – Chapter 62 – State Of Love And Trust

“I’m home. I feel bad. I’m a dick. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, you’re such a sweet man and I treated you like a dick. ”

“Yay. You’re home safe. Wait what? How did you treat me like a dick?”

“I’ve been really cold towards you.”

“I understand, but why honey?”

“IDK I’m depressed I guess I’m just not feeling anything anymore.”

“For me?”

“I love you. IDK I guess our time apart changed me and I just feel lost in general with life and love.”

“Are you breaking up with me?”

“No”

I feel bad because I’m cold to you and I don’t want to be.”

“What can I do to thaw your heart to me?”

“IDK and that’s the problem”

“But last time you were here you were the same until we had sex and then you were back to your old self.”

“I know but it’s just weird to feel like that today it was worse and I was just not myself with you at all.”

“Maybe you’re just tired of me.”

“I don’t think that. I think we fell off because we were apart for like forever.”

“But we’re seeing each other more now. We’re doing that. Making an effort. My words today told you how much I admire and love you and how precious you are to me. You’re the best girlfriend I’ve ever had.

“You’re the best man and boyfriend ever. We are making efforts now. I don’t know.

“If I’m the best, then why are you treating me like this dear?”

“I don’t mean to. I feel like a horrible person.”

“Please don’t. I love you so much. You’re a wonderful woman. I’m sad.

“I don’t want you to be sad. I feel like I made you sad. You make me to be such a wonderful girlfriend but not when I’m cold to you.”

“I’m patient and understand if you’re not always your cheery self. You have a lot on your plate and have many challenges in your life. I’m just happy to see you and spend time with you. Warm or cold is fine because I love you Cherie.

“Yea, but those aren’t excuses and you are always happy to see me and I need to reciprocate the feelings, I love you.

“If you’re not feeling the same for me Cherie. I will have to understand.  I’m sad. I don’t want to lose you but if you’ve lost your feelings for me I have to understand.”

“Please stop saying that. I don’t want you to be sad. I was happy and okay last time we were together.”

“Will you see me again in two weeks so we can be together? I don’t want to lose my girlfriend that I adore.”

“Yes. I love you too and I don’t want to be without you.”

“Yes. Thank you. I need you in my life Cherie. I love you honey. I’m upset. I don’t want to lose you.”

“I don’t want you to be upset. I love you.”

“Please don’t leave me.”

“I won’t. I’m not.”

“I love you so much Cherie. I’ll do anything to get through this. I need you in my life.”

“I love you and I’m glad you’re in my life.”

“Okay, so can we work on this? I’m just afraid you don’t feel the same passion you once had for me. But I love you like I did the first time we were together.”

“Yes. We can work on this. I love you and I want us to be together always.”

That really struck me.

“Me too!” I’ll do anything to keep you happy, honey. I love you so much.”

“I know, I love you if you weren’t such a perv I’d say I’d do anything too!”

My baby’s back.

“Aww! I love you more and I’m not a perv to you honey. I adore you.”

“I know, but your mind wanders.”

I love that.

“Baby, I need you. I need you in my life darling.”

“I need you too. You keep me sane.”

That’s a solid post.

“I complimented you so much today because you’re so beautiful and smart and wonderful. I love you and treasure you so much in my life.”

“You’re amazing, smart, patient and a gentleman and so much more. I value your love and your meaning in my life.”

“Thank you dear. I feel better. I’ll do my very best to please you. I don;t want you to be sad and numb.

“I’m glad you do. You’ve done no wrong. It’s me.

“Okay. I love you. I really do. I’m so excited and happy we’re together. I love taking you on dates and being with you honey.

“I love you and I never doubt you love me.”

“I’m sitting here worried about us and loving you so much. I don’t want to lose you.”

“I love you. I’m not going anywhere. We will make it work.”

We’ve hit a bump in the road but I believe everything’s fine. I ended up calling her on the phone and we talked about everything. I believe we will be fine. I love Cherie so much. She’s the sweetest woman I have ever met. She’s so much younger that me. I like that, but she has experience in life. Being a mother and a student.

I know she’s going through her growing pains in this relationship but I think she sees the value in us being together. There’s distance, but I know she understands the joy we feel when we’re together.

New for both of us.

Strong and sustaining.

Can’t wait to see her again.

 

 

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Rebecca – Chapter 4 – Cypress and the Oak – Part 1

I met Rebecca 3 years ago on a date. Rebecca has recently made an appearance in my life so I thought I’d re-run this series so everyone won’t have to go back and search for her series to catch up. Enjoy!

Fall of 2016

It’d been a while since I’d heard from Rebecca. She certainly made an amazing impression upon me on our first date. It didn’t make sense that she “ghosted” me after our very first meeting. It felt like it had been a couple of months, and all I heard was the deafening sound of crickets. But I had prepared myself for this.

I did text her twice in that time to meet up for a drink and just never heard back. This has happened before. I know this other little hottie that’s always saying she wants to meet me for drink, but can never pull it together.

But then out of the blue Rebecca texted me. “Sooo sorry for being off the grid. Can we meet up for a drink soon?” I told her I could do Monday or Wednesday. She picked Monday. I liked that because it was sooner. I asked her if she had any preference. She said for me to pick the place. I wanted somewhere that was nice, but not some place where we’d stick out like a sore thumb. I had a few days to figure it out. I have to come up with a place where they knew me, but I’d have some privacy. I decide to meet her at 1 Tippling Place at 6:30 the next Monday.

“Great! I always wanted to check that place out!” was her reply.

1 Tippling Place is a really cool, living room style cocktail bar. It’s located at 20th and Chestnut streets. The outside is really nondescript. Just a glass and steel door, next to a large window. If you blinked or sneezed while walking by you’d miss it. But inside there is all kinds of neat comfy furniture and coffee tables. The artwork is eclectic and the room as a whole is nicely appointed with interesting artifacts. The cocktails are first-rate. They really don’t serve any food. I mean, they have some little hors d’oeuvre, but that’s about it. You go there for the quality drinks and the atmosphere. I also enjoy the snarky attitude of the head bartender. When you first meet him you think he might be gay. Then in walks his smoking hot girlfriend.

It’s one of my favorite bars in the city because it’s an original that has real character.

I arrive early. I always like to get to a place early to scope out the scene and get the lay of the land. I chat with the owner. She’s awesome. Normally she’s in and out during the day, and then leaves around 7pm. We’re pretty tight. I’ve even walked her home on occasion.

I normally don’t order off the cocktail menu. I just tell the bartender that I want something dark and spirit forward. They make it and I drink it. It’s always good. I will say that the place is a little expensive. Most of the drinks cost between $12 and $14.

I look at my watch. 6:20. Hope she isn’t late.

I hope she shows up.

 

Five minutes later the door opens.

It was like one of those moments in those 80’s teen comedies, when everything moves in slow motion and they play some cool song. Rebecca enters the bar. I take a deep breath. Her dark hair is up, which always looks so sexy on the right woman. Her ripe lips an exquisite pout. She’s wearing a burgundy cocktail dress. It comes to mid-thigh. She’s wearing black sheer stockings and elegant black high heels. She looks amazing. I’m blinking my eyes trying to focus on this vision.

I immediately stand to greet her. She hugs me, and I’m more intoxicated by her beauty and lovely fragrance than any cocktail that could be crafted at this bar. “Rebecca,” is all I could say. “Shall we get a table?” she replies. I nod, and guide her to a quiet table in the corner so we can chat.

“You look lovely. I feel under dressed.”

“Well I haven’t seen you in a while and I like to dress up.”

We order a round of drinks. I have my usual dark power, and she goes with something equally strong. Interesting. That’s either a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe she likes a heady drink or maybe she needs a bit of courage. We chat about what we’ve been up to and she’s telling me about work, and some of the challenges she obviously faces in the medical industry. Then she says, “I suppose you’re wondering why you haven’t heard back from me in a while, and I’m sorry about that.” I tell her it’s okay and I’m just happy that she’s here tonight.

“Remember how I told you that I went out with that man who was older than me and I didn’t feel any chemistry after four dates?”

“Didn’t that guy get married? He didn’t try to…?”

“No…no. Nothing like that. I just wanted to preface what I was about to tell you, that it doesn’t feel that way with you.”

Now I’m getting a little worried and a little confused. “Do you mean you do feel chemistry with me or you don’t?” I feel a slight searing heat in my heart. This could go be a short date. She smiles and takes my hand. “I do like you. It feels different just being around you. You’re not like anybody else I know.”

I visually sigh in relief and she reads my expression. I need to be cool. “Don’t worry, I’ve thought a lot about where my life is and it sometimes can be confusing.” I reassure her that whatever she’s concerned about I understand, and will listen.

Women don’t want men to solve their problems. Men are all about solutions. They like to fix things. Women are more about their feelings. That’s why men define themselves on what they do, and women define themselves on who they know. The way to a woman’s heart is really quite simple. Don’t tell her what she should do, or how she should do it.

Just listen.

I’m just happy at that moment that I’m the one who’s present to listen to whatever it is she needs to get off her chest.

I just hope she can’t hear my heart beating.

Rebecca takes a sip from her drink, not breaking her gaze with me. Looking into me with those brilliant emeralds. “Two years ago I met this guy on Tinder named Derrick. He was around my age. As you know, guys my age basically suck for the most part. They don’t know what they want or who they are yet. But he ‘Super Liked’ me on Tinder. And… I did the same on his profile so I thought it was kismet. I know now I only did that because he was really cute and not much else. Isn’t that why most people swipe right for the most part anyway?”

“I suppose. But I’d like to think that some of us are more thoughtful when it comes to matters of the heart.” I reply. (Bold faced lie.) She seemed smart in her profile, but I know I swiped right because she was smoking hot.

“I know, right?” she exclaims. “Thank you! But I guess I was dumb and just being superficial. So we exchanged numbers. It all happened so fast. We met up, and it was fun. He seemed kind of full of himself and his band. But he was good really good-looking. He invited me to come out and see his band play and we’d hang out after their set. So I get dressed up and go to the bar where their playing. Derrick was the lead singer. I was kind of hoping he’d take me on a proper date, but I thought that would happen after we got to know each other. I suppose it’s not a bad way to meet someone for the first time. You’re in a bar surrounded with people so it’s not like you’re meeting a stranger in some isolated place. I also prepared myself for the fact that he was the singer in the band and usually they are surrounded by willing girls. I mean, you told me you used to play guitar in a band in L.A. Weren’t you always around a bunch of girls?”

“Sure. There were a lot of girls and guys at our shows. We played hard rock, so our audience skewed more male than female. But I had a steady girlfriend at the time. I was committed to my relationship with her.” (Another Bold faced lie)

“Well you’re one of the rare ones.” (I wonder if she can see the devil horns sticking out of my head?) “Anyway, so I’m at their show. I didn’t want to go to a bar alone, so I took my roommate Amber with me. We had an agreement that if things went well with Derrick she’d either hook up with someone there or UBER it home. I mean it wasn’t a real date so I don’t think there was anything wrong with bringing my friend with me as backup.”

“What kind of music did they play?” I ask, hoping to get insight about the boy through his musical tastes.

“It wasn’t emo, but it sort of sounded like that. I guess it was more post hardcore.”

This guy already sounds like a douche, I thought. She takes another sip and this time her eyes are down. I can see this is hard for her. “Okay. Please go on. I’m listening.”

“So they end their set and we’re hanging out. Me, my friend Amber, Derrick, and his lead guitarist, Simon. We’re drinking and laughing and having a good time. We’re at this table all the way off to the back. I’m sitting next to Derrick and Amber is across from me with Simon in a booth. Amber likes to party. Simon is ordering shots and beers and we’re all getting pretty buzzed. I feel like I’m really liking Derrick. He’s going about how important the music is and all of that stuff, but I don’t care, I just think he’s hot. Next thing I know Amber is all over Simon. I look at Derrick and he’s on me. We’re just making out like crazy. Normally I’m not like that but I think it was the drinking that made it easy. Plus I wanted him cause he was so good-looking. It was fun.”

At this point I’m wondering where all of this is going. We order another round.

 

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Rebecca – Chapter 3 – Dark Wings of Destiny – Part 3

“We’ll just have to see how this one plays out. I’m not going to get my hopes up, but if it goes well,  I will be getting airbags installed in the headboard of my bed.”

I met Rebecca 3 years ago on a date. Rebecca has recently made an appearance in my life so I thought I’d re-run this series so everyone won’t have to go back and search for her series to catch up. Enjoy!

Fall 2016

Rebecca was right next to me. I could feel the energy. I felt really close to her.

“The city is so beautiful” she said.

She turned to me.

“You are” I replied.

And that’s when our lips met. My Lord. I’m too old for this.

Wait…no I’m not.

I kissed her.

Her lips were soft as she yielded to me. She folded into me like an old friend. It was just like I just stepped off stage at the Troubadour in Los Angeles and she loved the song that I had written about her. I was ageless in that moment. Overcome. Beautiful. This can’t be happening, but it is. Her lips were sweet and a little sticky. Minty. Human.

Her pupils were so big, it’s like her eyes were black instead of green. Her cheeks flushed and she giggled. I gently brushed her dark hair from her face and behind her ear. She slipped from me and cocked her head. It was as if she were trying to see me in a different way. “Let’s go look at some more stuff” she said, smiling. All I could hear was Midnight Moses playing in my head by the Dead Daisies. 

 

We continued to wander though the museum. Just going from room to room. I was making her laugh a lot about some things, because that’s what I do. I think at this point it was more nerves than game. I was smitten. I’m like a child at this point. I really am. I’m just amazed to be alive at this moment. But this is the old me. The new, old me. I shouldn’t follow this path.

We went into this one room and the whole space was art in architecture. Glorious big rooms that are incredible and opulent. We’re looking around the room and I’m behind her and she just leans back into me, and she is again in my arms. Is it the art? Is it me? It can’t be me. This is nuts, but the euphoria is glorious. I love this. This is my favorite part of everything. The beginning. Ignition. I’ve always been this way, much to the disappointment of the women in my life. But for right now I’m living in this moment. None of this makes any sense but I’m mainlining this feeling. She turns in my arms and nuzzles her lips and nose to mine. Her eyes are smokey and dark. Lashes flash and she smiles. She looks deeply into my eyes.

Rebecca pulls me into her world and kisses me again.

And again…

 

There was a moment later when we were sitting in one of the galleries and she was so excited by a work of art she grabbed my hand. She clasped it tightly in both of her hands as she described her passion for the work. It was one of my favorites as well. The couple coming home from the carnival. I feel her soft hand clasp mine. She’s holding my hand in her lap. Dopamine drops in my mind and I’m blind. The work was beautiful. But, I could no longer see it. It was gone. As was I. All I could feel in that moment was the back of my hand against Rebecca’s warm thigh.

Image result for PMA couple coming home from the carnival painting

I think we were at the PMA for 3, maybe 4 hours. I have no sense of time at this point with Rebecca. If I never hear from her again, I’m okay. This was a special sacred moment that I can wrap myself up in tonight. It’ll be just like waking up from a beautiful dream.

Obviously, we did get around to inquiries. Being overwhelmed by beauty and art only lasts so long. I asked he why she’s on Tinder. She said that she wanted to meet someone good. Someone that understood her and liked the things she liked. She told me at her age her friends aren’t really friends at all. They are just a bunch of young fools that smoke a bunch of weed and get drunk all of the time. She has ambition and wants to make something of herself. (she did seem really mature while we were texting) She told me she kind of went on Tinder to try. She gave me an example of a conversation she had with a boy her age recently. They were chatting and she asked him what he was looking for and he said he’d like to have some fun. When she asked him to define “fun” he sent her a photo of his genitals. That is some sad textbook shit right there. She explained to me that as an emergency room nurse, she gets her fill of seeing plenty of junk on a regular basis. “I don’t want to see his dick. I saw 5 dicks today and I had to put a catheter in an 85-year-old dick today”

My unblinking response: “Okay…..okay…”

She said she met another guy. She loved his mind and political views and he was just a really smart guy. She thought maybe her love of his mind and heart would translate into sex but she just wasn’t lit when they kissed. Women know. It’s either on in their minds and bodies or it’s not. Sadly boys, men don’t have this ability. She said she went on 4 dates with him and it was done. He was divorced and really into his kids, I think she said they were 16 and 19. He wanted to have her over and they were going to have dinner with the gang, and it all seemed weird because the teens were a little uncomfortable with their 54-year-old father bringing over a girl who was only 2 years older than the 19-year-old son.

Fuck. I’m jaded as hell and I hate that story. But it really came down to the fact that there was no chemistry. And that’s critical, because I’ve made that kind of lightening strike twice in the same place in the last decade. But what I noticed was she liked him but just wasn’t feeling the intimacy when they kissed. It just wasn’t there. She said she really liked him as a man and tried to keep the friendship going but he realized there was no fire so he withdrew. He has since moved on and even recently married.

So, is this chick into older men? I suppose so because she’s so bright and mature in her head. She’s got the brain of Emily Dickinson and the body of Vanessa Hudgens.

What am I supposed to do with that?  I never saw any of this coming when I started this blog. I thought I would be just writing about my experiences with women here in Philly over the last 10 years, and then this curve ball blindsided me.

She told me her dad is a big guy who’s from New York and he’s a caricature of a New Yorker. Works for the railroad. Her uncle travels the world and sounds like a cool guy that works and makes enough money and then moves to the Philippines and lives like a king for a year and then does it again somewhere else. That sounds awesome. I don’t have the freedom to do that but if I did you know I’d be there in Thailand risking arrest every year until I die. But I digress…

We wander back to the first floor and are nearing the exit. She validates her parking because apparently she’s a member of the museum which I find super cool. We walk out the door and go to the elevator to the parking garage. I didn’t know the PMA had this. It must be new.  I walk her to her car. It’s dusty and blue. We do the perfunctory statements. I like you. I want to see you again. But those words are hollow. I think I may never see her again. This all seems so unreal. I haven’t felt this in years. Please don’t let this happen again. But I want the drug of love. Not love. Just the drug. I feel like a helpless addict.

She looks up at me under the fluorescent lights of the stark concrete parking garage. We are beneath the silence… Her green eyes flash in the light like pale emeralds. She runs her hands through her thick mane of dark hair. I watch as it tumbles back to her shoulders through her fingers. Her neatly manicured fingernails. The lean muscles in her arms. She smiles. Sort of a sly, half-smile. Like she knows something about me that I haven’t revealed. I think she senses it in my eyes. I smile and try to clear that. But she sees me. It’s unsettling. She places her petite hands together likes she’s praying, and then spreads them and reaches for me. Her hands hit my shoulders and pull me toward her.

She kisses me. The kiss is deep and wet. Her tongue swirls. She smells exquisite.

I am lost in this sensuous moment.

But just for a moment.

Rebecca: “I like you. The Fringe Festival is happening soon. Can we go to something?”

You all know my answer.

She places her foot against the door and adjusts her shoe. I steal a glance at her well turned leg. She lingers on the laces of her sneaker. It’s taking too long. It’s as if she wants to remind me of what I like. She knows. She’s reading me. Come on. Nobody can do that. Maybe it’s all in my head, but her legs are exquisite and she knows she’s touched the beyond in me.

 

She drives away and I’m back on the street behind the museum. I order an UBER. He arrives in 8 minutes and I’m on my way back to Rittenhouse. I’m sitting in the back of the Toyota Avalon and my mind is reeling. I need to hold it together. He’s lost for some reason and I have to guide the driver home. I get out and realize I haven’t eaten in over 8 hours. I stop at my local corner shop and order a slice to go. I get back to the bat cave and text her.

“Home safe. Had a lovely evening with you.”

Crickets.

Panic.

Then it came…

“I was just about to text you the same thing! See you soon! XOXO- Rebecca”

We’ll just have to see how this one plays out. I’m not going to get my hopes up, but if it goes well, I will be getting airbags installed in the headboard of my bed.

Old habits die hard.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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Are Dating Apps Just For Hookups? Here’s What You Need To Know

One of arguably the best and most controversial 21st century developments seems to be dating apps. For better or worse, you can skip any quaint courting ritual and go straight to getting it poppin’ and sneaking out the morning after. But the question remains: Are dating apps just for hookups? If you’re no longer interested in hookups or never were, it’s easy to get jaded with modern dating. Whether it’s your friends, pop culture, or your own lackluster experiences, it might seem that dating apps are just for one-night stands, FWB situations, and flings at best. You’re left wondering, “OK, is there a version of my swiping, matching, and messaging on dating apps that can get help me get back to actual dating?”

Ultimately, it comes down to a mix of your intentions, those of your potential matches, and which app you’re on. Looking at the big three (Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble), you’ll find that yes, you can find a committed romantic relationship on dating apps. A 2017 study found that about half of U.S. couples met online. On average, 39% of straight couples met via the internet and 60% of queer ones did. So, never mind any preconceived notion of what dating apps have to offer. And as it turns out, there’s a lot going on behind-the-scenes that puts the odds in your favor — beyond curing horny Friday night boredom.

Mauro Grigollo / Stocksy

For starters, there’s Bumble, which is founded explicitly on respect. That’s evident in women holding the power to make the first move on the app, subverting gendered power imbalances. It’s also evident in new features like d*ck pic detection, aka “Private Detector,” which goes live in June 2019. More than the app’s reputation and features, a 2018 survey found that 85 percent of Bumble users are “looking for marriage or a boyfriend/girlfriend.” Less than four percent of people were looking for a hookup.

So if you’re looking for someone to date on Bumble, it’s truly just a matter of specifying what kind of dating you’re interested in. “Not everyone is looking for the same thing when it comes to dating, so we encourage our users to make it clear what they are looking for on their profiles — to help set expectations on both sides,” says Alex Williamson, Bumble’s chief brand officer.

One tangible way to do that is by customizing your Bumble profiles badges. Do you want casual dating, a long-term relationship, or marriage and kids? Whatever you’re looking for, don’t be shy about it. You can even filter what other folks are looking for, too, Williamson says. She also explains that she and Bumble staff hear from app users all the time about how they’ve found love. Williamson has already officiated a Bumble couple’s wedding and will be officiating more later this year. She adds, “I was just getting coffee somewhere in Austin wearing my Bumble hoodie and our waitress pulled out her phone to show me a picture of her Bumble baby!”

Alexey Kuzma / Stocksy

Hinge, too, makes a compelling case for romance over hookups via dating apps. Its tagline is “Designed to be Deleted.” Basically, that means Hinge was designed with IRL dates and (fingers crossed!) a budding romantic relationship in mind. From the jump, Hinge encourages users to put their most authentic self forward. It invites you to add tidbits like lifestyle habits to your Hinge profile or fill out its monthly, thought-provoking prompts. Then, the app’s “Most Compatible” feature takes care of the rest. The algorithm takes into account likes you and the community have sent within the past 24 hours, and then analyzes in-app behavior. By limiting likes, too, Hinge ensures that users’ likes are meaningful. The app also prompts people to reply when its their turn in the convo, cutting down on accidental ghosting in the process.

The “designed to be deleted” slogan doesn’t just apply to Hinge’s “getting to know you” set-up. The app’s interface was literally designed to help you focus on your match and get on a real date with them. The ample white space, cute drawings, and gentle splashes of royal purple, lilac, and yellow are intentional.Hinge’s Director of Design Lucy Mort said, “The colors and illustrations invoke a sense of optimism in a process that can often feel draining. We want the warmth and spiritedness of the new design to motivate our members to get off the app and out on a date.”

The changes appear to work. “The new illustrations, rounded corners, and more whimsical palette do make the design less serious or sterile,” UX designer and cognitive researcher Maxim Leyzerovich told Elite Daily. “By designing experiences that are aesthetically calming — but also visually balanced and laid out — the inherent anxiety of using the app can be decreased.

Studio Firma / Stocksy

And then there’s Tinder, the one with a reigning reputation as a hookup app — a playground of nothing long-term, nothing serious. It seems the data reflects that, too. Tinder’s 2018 survey of more than 1,000 singles from 18 to 25 years old found that 72% of millennials have “made a conscious decision to be single for a period of time.” Of that group, 62% made this decision to focus on their own needs and 47% did so to focus on school.

So, yes, millennial Tinder users may be staying single for responsible reasons, like nurturing their ambitions and working on themselves. And the fact that 40% of respondents said they wouldn’t “settle for the wrong person for the sake of being in a relationship” could be encouraging. You can even be explicit about what you’re looking for in your Tinder bio. But the bottom line is: The vast majority of Tinder users aren’t looking to be boo’d up anytime soon. Bumble and Hinge are going to be your best bet if you’re looking for a serious relationship.

So, if you’re out there on dating apps, there is a chance you might run into one or two or five matches you really like (who just want to hook up). But there’s an attitude shift, on behalf of dating apps and app users, that’s looking super promising for finding love online. With the right app and intentions, know that a potential spark is only one swipe away.

 

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If You’re On Dating Apps But Not Into Casual Hookups, Here’s What To Write On Your Profile

Fortunately, dating apps have made connecting with like-minded singles easier than ever before. However, if you’re not looking for a casual encounter, making your intentions known might seem like the best way to get the most out of your matches. That’s why anyone who’s on dating apps but not into casual hookups has probably considered how to communicate this without it coming off as too “intense.”

Although it’s definitely a good idea to be honest, online dating coach and dating profile writer Eric Resnick recommends avoiding the use of language that could dissuade people from contacting you. “Writing that you aren’t looking for a hookup is defensive language,” Resnick tells Elite Daily. “It makes you sound like you aren’t going to trust the intentions of anyone who contacts you, regardless of what they may actually be.”

Finding matches who are on the same page isn’t always easy, and ultimately, it’s up to you to decide which approach you’re most comfortable with. “Being honest may scare away a potential match and you have to decide if that is a risk you are willing to take,” prominent couples’ therapist Dr. Gary Brown tells Elite Daily. Thankfully, both Dr. Brown and Resnick agree that keeping your profile focused on what you are looking for instead of what you aren’t is a good place to start.

“If you aren’t looking for a hookup, don’t talk about hookups,” says Resnick. “Talk about the type of person you want to meet and the type of relationship you want to find. Don’t say you are looking for someone to rush you down the aisle or to have a baby with, but be honest about the type of relationship you’re looking for.” Even though it may seem like adding a disclaimer against casual encounters will help sort through incompatible candidates, according to Resnick, casual sex seekers will probably still reach out. There’s not much you can do to avoid that. “The people who just want a hookup are going to message you anyways,” explains Resnick. “For them, it’s a numbers game.”

To anyone looking for something more meaningful than a fling, Dr. Brown recommends casting a wide net and not limiting yourself to dating apps that have an overtly casual implication. If it still seems like you’ve been getting attention from people who are almost always looking for casual sex, Resnick says it’s also important to consider your profile photos.

Resnick suggests avoiding photos that are overtly sexual in nature. “On dating apps, people are going to look at your pics more than anything and those pics tell a story,” he says. “Make sure they’re telling the story you want to tell.”

Figuring out the most effective way to present yourself on dating apps can be tricky. That said, the results you get are oftentimes dependent on crafting an image of yourself that’s in line with the type of relationship you’re looking for. That’s why staying true to yourself while also focusing on the kind of relationship you’re hoping to find is key.

 

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Rebecca – Chapter 2 – Dark Wings of Destiny – Part 2

I met Rebecca 3 years ago on a date. Rebecca has recently made an appearance in my life so I thought I’d re-run this series so everyone won’t have to go back and search for her series to catch up. Enjoy!

In the last episode our hero was preparing for his big date with Rebecca. Let’s see how it plays out.

Fall 2016

The Date

I jumped into an Uber out front of my house and went to the Philadelphia Museum of Art. The PMA is an amazing part of this city. I’ve been going there since I was a child. I remember going as a kid with my family. My father always exposed us to the arts. Dad introduced us to art, music, literature and everything else. I should probably do a blog about him at some point, but I’ll cover this stuff for now. I think I could see this blog metamorphosing into who I really am and that idea is unsettling. But somehow, I know that it will. It almost has to change. How long can I write about all of these lovely creatures that come in and out of my life? I know deep down I’ll run out of stories and the real me will come forward. I think that’s when this memoir will become what it truly needs to be.

Anyway, I had to say that because I see it, and I know it’s coming for me.

I arrive on time, and Santos was a good driver. He brings me to the back of the museum. It’s just easier. I’m not up for doing the Rocky run up the steps out front. It’s just too hot today. I think this is the last 90 degree day of the summer here in Philly. I think as a city we’re all tired of the heat. 2013 was a hot summer but people forget. 2013 was “The summer of Chaz” but that will be described in a future blog. (You can read it now. See: Annabelle)

 

One of the beautiful and most elegant things about the PMA is that it never changes. Sure, they have new installations coming in and out all of the time, but you can never change the core of the place. There are just certain pieces that are constant and they fill my heart with wonder, memory and love. The place is simply amazing. If you haven’t gone in a while, please go and feel the magic energy of these wonderful, brilliant artists that make the place what it is. When you walk through the halls of the PMA you can really feel that Homo Sapiens are good and make beautiful things, and all of the terrible things we’ve done as a species melt away after a few hours in there.

I walk in, and like I said it’s pay what you want Wednesdays which based on my last few dates will run me a total of $10.

The brilliance continues. Rebecca texts me and says she’s running 15 minutes late which is actually perfect. Normally as you know, I hate that. But she’s new and young, so I’m forgiving. I hit the first floor back balcony and get a glass of wine and wait. I look over the balcony and across the room downstairs. There is a bevy of young women all sitting together on the seats on the other side of the room. Chatting, giggling and looking at their phones.

I’m sipping my Barefoot Chardonnay (basically urine) that cost $9.00, and I get a text. Rebecca has also arrived through the back door of the museum. I tell her I’m upstairs waiting. I see her appear at the top of the stairs, and she fiddles with her phone. I’m going to go ahead right here and tell you she’s 35 years younger than me. I know. But I met her on Tinder and this is Phicklephilly, and she likes art and is a nurse. Maybe she’s okay. Maybe it’ll be different this time. Maybe I keep doing the same thing over and over with my fatal charm hoping for a different result. But that is madness. Am I mad? She’ll be okay. She won’t be crazy or immature, or 9 months into our relationship tell me that she wants to get married and have kids and I’m too old, and don’t ever want that again. (See: Annabelle) I am what I am, and I guess I’ve followed through with this for a reason. Maybe it’ll all be okay.

Fear grips me.

I’m doing the same thing, over and over again.

Well, she’s more than okay. She is exquisite. I’ve said this before, but I literally sucked my breath in when she appeared. Out of all of the photos I’ve posted here to illustrate what these women look like, the one here is really close to what this delightful girl looks like. I kid you not, dear readers. How is this happening again? What am I doing here? How many times have I said this to myself?

She’s 5’2″ and petite. Her hair is dark brown. Her eyes are green. Her skin is a light caramel. Her lips are like ripe cherries. She’s wearing a red and white cotton top, nothing fancy, with a pair of cutoff jean shorts. Her legs are supple tan pillars of lean muscle and sinew. She’s wearing white keds. It doesn’t matter… she’s perfect.

My God. She’s beautiful. Is she going to look upon me and run? Will she apologize and say there’s been some sort of cosmic mistake? Will I hand her $300 to “help with school?” Will security come and just throw me off the balcony to finally finish me off on the cold marble floor below me so that I know that this is a dream?

None of that happened.

I could see she was texting me so I texted her ” I’m here on the balcony. Come hither.”  She looks at her phone and then glances about the room. She sees me and smiles. Kill me now. She bounds toward me and I stand. She goes up on her tip toes and hugs me tightly. “I’ve really been looking forward to meeting you!” she exclaims. I can smell her hair. Soft fleece brushes against my face like ribbons of chocolate. The fragrance is soft cocoa. In that moment in her arms, it’s as if she has just revealed a secret to me. She clutches me tightly and then slips away.

She looks me straight in the eyes, and says: “Let’s go share some art!” I swallow the last mouthful of my shitty wine and toss the cup in the trash. I’m locked and loaded. (not really loaded) She asked if I had a map, and I told her that I did. She said “Keep it if you want but I’d rather you toss it in the trash and we just wander together.”

Am I dreaming? Is she going to invoice me for $300 to hang with this lovely doll? But none of that happened either. We simply went downstairs and wandered through the halls. The great thing was that we both had pieces of art we loved and stories behind them. I forgot how connected I was to the PMA. Not as a resident of the city but in my heart.

We came upon a painting called the Moorish Priest. (Google it.) It’s beautiful and powerful. She stopped and I told her that it was my late Mother’s favorite painting in the whole museum. She loved it so much that my father bought her a framed print of it and it hung in our shore house at the top of the stairs for 30 years. She seemed moved by its beauty and the story. I asked her what her thoughts were and she said; “As a nurse I can see he has a good vein in his hand and in his forearm and I could get an IV in that no problem.” Well, she is an emergency room nurse and that’s a legit answer from someone who is always looking for a vein to save a life. The family connection and the irony struck me as funny and nostalgic.

We wandered around for a while rediscovering so many works we both loved. We agreed on so many, for all of the same reasons! We were on the second floor and there’s a huge window that looks down the Ben Franklin Parkway right to City Hall. I told her I remember coming to this very spot as a child and taking a photo of the city through this window with my little plastic Kodak Instamatic camera that I had won in a contest at a shoe store.

We looked out at our city. The skyline. It was dusk. The last time I was here was years ago with a group of co-workers on a Friday night during a lightning storm. It was Art After Five on a Friday and we were all plowed on cheap poorly made cocktails. (See: Michelle)

Rebecca was right next to me. I could feel the energy. I felt really close to her. “The city is so beautiful” she said.

She turned to me.

“You are” I replied.

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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10 Unexpectedly Brilliant Places to Find True Love (And How to Make It Happen When You Get There)

Break your routine and try something new.

Even after all these years as a dating coach and advice columnist, I am still amazed how many men and women complain about the difficulties they have with dating.

If you ask me, the best dating advice I can offer is that men and women must learn how to open up and talk with each other without jumping to harsh judgments or self-sabotaging potentially healthy relationships due to their own subconscious insecurities.

But that may be easier said than done.

One challenging common denominator both men and women face is a lack of creativity in figuring out how and where to meet new people in their quest to find true love.

 

In a 2018 survey of over 2000 people, it was found that meeting serious partners online is less popular that one may believe.

According to Mic, “more 18- to 34-year-olds met their current significant others through mutual friends than through any other means, including dating apps — close to 39% of respondents said they met ‘through friends in common,’ closely followed by 22% who said they met ‘out in a social setting.'”

But which social settings are best when you’re looking for a loving relationship?

The most obvious choice for many is the bars and nightclub scene, but this is “one night stand” territory no matter how you look at it.

There will always be the exception of a few people who end up in a loving, committed relationship with someone they meet in a club, but for the most part, it’s a short-lived scenario. Most people wake up the next day and seldom call the number they have in their coat pocket from the night before. This is mainly due to too much alcohol and lack of confidence to make the phone call.

Meeting in a lounge or a restaurant is a better environment, but you have to be more creative, as there is no dancing to seduce or lure someone in. You actually have to converse with them.

In general, alcohol is a great relaxer for many women and it works wonders for men looking for something more physically intimate, and that’s exactly why the bar scene is becomes a repetitively unfruitful pattern for so many frustrated people. It’s available on every corner and everyone hopes they will be an exception to the rule.

Unfortunately, trying to meet women or men of substance in a bar is usually the same old story every weekend — everyone wakes up perturbed and lonely.

Here are a few dating tips to keep in mind when meeting new men or women:

  • If you are using online dating services or apps like OKCupid, Match, Tinder, Bumble or any of the others, pay attention to what they say they’re looking for. Are they looking for love or a relationship? If they don’t say so, believe them. They are telling you they are not available for what you want.Some people are only really interested in a sexual relationship, and that’s OK, but might not be what you’re up for, if you’re looking for love. Really read their profiles and pay attention to any red flags. Many people choose to ignore them, even the obvious ones, because they are desperate to meet someone.
  • Pay attention to the groupie types who only date or sleep with a certain high-profile type of person. Many prominent athletes, musicians or wealthy business people frequent the same watering holes. This is a gold mine for men and women on the prowl for money or status.If you’re one of these people, beware. If you’re not one of those people, trying to win over someone looking to climb the ladder of social status is likely a waste of your time. Be aware of women who are addicted to a celebrity type lifestyle and cannot date anyone who is not in this league.
  • Opt out of being the constant mistress! Now there’s a novel idea … being someone’s number two forever. Who would want that?Married men will stop continually coming on to you when you no longer send out the signals that you are interested in being a mistress. Reach for something better.
  • Watch out for people who only date the perfect and beautiful types. Their physical standards are so high that everything else is overlooked in the relationship. Remember, people become more attractive as you get to know them (if they possess the personality traits you desire). Beauty fades, real connection is what lasts and builds lasting love.

So, what keeps you looking for love in all the wrong places?

Finding true love should not be costly or painful. In addition, getting yourself stuck in a routine will close doors on other available options that could ultimately work for you.

If you classify yourself as a certain “type”, you won’t allow yourself to grow to your full potential you become stuck. And that’s why you’re having so much trouble finding love!

Fear can be a powerful suppressor, so be cognizant of any forming patterns that keep you from having love in your life because you are afraid of the unknown.

Take baby steps to challenge your demons.

 

Here are 10 of my favorite tried-and-true places for my clients and friends to meet new people:

1. A driving range or golf course

Preferably at an executive par 3 course, as less serious golfers will go there.

2. Tennis courts

Use the back wall where other solo players will practice.

3. The gym

Be friendly and acknowledge people near you. Say hi and take off your headphones — and don’t bother other people who are wearing headphones, unless they speak to you first. Headphones are a big “I’m not looking to make friends” signal.

4. The airport

Talk to people in the holding room or in restaurants.

5. Hiking trails or a beach/park with high foot-traffic

If you’re an active person looking for someone active — go to active places!

6. Sporting venues

Go to a hockey game, soccer game or a golf tournament.

7. Any social event where people can mingle

Do not put yourself in a booth; always stay open to the room. Smile at people as they pass.

8. Join a meet-up group

Check your local area for the numerous groups available or start one! It’s a great opportunity to meet people with similar interests.

9. Take a course or lesson

Learn something new where will be people there who have similar interests as you.

10. Speed dating events and online dating sites or apps

Do your homework and find the best ones that work for you and reflect your values.

If you don’t have the strength to get out of reoccurring heartbreaking situations, then start observing some of your friends who may be stronger than you and follow their lead.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help or to hire someone professionally for a short time.

Change up your dating patterns and the venues so that you have a better chance of meeting someone of substance. Everyone deserves love in their life.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Listen to Phicklephilly LIVE on Spotify!

Facebook: phicklephilly       Instagram: @phicklephilly       Twitter: @phicklephilly