Go on a Date, Girl asks me to do her Homework Instead

this happened several years ago.

My friends had been trying to get me on Tinder for a while. I wasn’t really into it but because I wasn’t dating anyone at the time but I decided to download the app. Pretty quickly I matched with this girl that I thought was really cute and started chatting with her. Now there were some red flags I should have noticed such as that she was pretty immature for her age and one of the main people she hung out with was around 13 to 14.

But I thought oh well, it’s probably not a big deal and I made plans to meet up with her. This was pretty early in my dating experience so I didn’t really know much about making good plans, so I just asked her what there was to do in her town (it was about an hour away from the city where I live). She told me just to meet her on her college campus. Cool, I thought, we can walk around and go to a Starbucks.

I get there and I wondered if I was at the right place because it looked like a high school, turns out it was some sort of small town community college building. The building was standalone, there was no other buildings and the floor was black and white checkered tile so you get the idea it was basically a high school.

When I got there, I asked her about it, but she said let’s just sit and talk in this student lounge. She sat down, pulled out her laptop, and asked me to help her on her homework.

Background: I had told her that I was majoring AND a tutor in a certain field, which she also happened to be majoring in, and she told me she needed some help. I was pretty passionate about this field so I told her I could help her a little bit. We’d FaceTimed once and I gave her a couple minutes of help, but I was of the understanding that when we met up we were going to be getting to know each other and not doing any homework.

I tried to explain the concepts to her but she said forget it and opened up a timed test and asked me to help her with that. I tried to explain it, but the simplest concepts went over her head and I ended up slowly doing it for her, a fact that I was not happy about and I told her so. She’s like, yeah I know you’re doing it for me and that’s okay. I was like, no it’s not. Then she started stroking my legs and arms and I told her that I couldn’t focus on helping her when she was doing that. She stopped touching me for a couple minutes but was soon back to doing it again. At this point I’m just trying to finish the test and get out of there, and finally the time runs out and she got a 40% on the test largely because I’d been spending most of my time trying to explain concepts and I thought she’d be angry, but she was really happy. She told me wow, I usually only get half that score!

At this point I was ready to leave, but she followed me out to the car (her car was next to mine) and basically the first thing she told me was that she was not a virgin and she thought I wouldn’t want to date her and would think she was filthy because of that. I told her that it didn’t really matter to me at all whether she was a virgin or not and then I don’t remember how the conversation went but I left soon after that. I should have told her I wasn’t interested in going out again right there but I knew how virginity is something that is overly prized in some Christian circles (which she was obviously a part of) and I didn’t want to reinforce her thinking that people thought less of her because she wasn’t one so I didn’t say anything then. I also considered trying to go out again, at that time I thought that I was being overly picky with women and I just needed to give them more chances.

That night, she told me to let her know if I didn’t want to MARRY her right away and not to lead her on and that really tipped the scales that I needed to say something right away. I called her on the phone the next day and told her I didn’t want to go out again, and I told her it was because we didn’t share any interests. To which she replied that we absolutely didn’t need to share any, we could go out and do our own thing and then come home to each other every night. I told her that to me the most important thing in a relationship was being able to share conversations and experiences and she tried to convince me that it wasn’t.

I don’t know a good way to wrap up the story besides that she was angry and we didn’t really talk again. I could have definitely benefited by more experience in this situation, but still, it was the first and only time I’ve ever been asked to do homework on a date so it was pretty memorable.

 

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Amount of Young People Who Don’t Have a Romantic Partner up SIGNIFICANTLY Since 2004

Are your extensive right-swiping efforts fruitless? Do you spend hours at the smoothie bar at Whole Foods in an attempt to meet chicks, but end up going to the beer tap at the grocery store to drink away your loneliness? Well, chin up because a majority of young Americans can’t find love according to a new study.

According to a new study from the General Social Survey, 51 percent of Americans between the ages of 18 and 34 do not have a steady romantic partner. You have to ask, how many married couples have a steady romantic partner? This is interesting because that number is significantly higher than in 2004 when the figure was 33 percent, the lowest number since the GSS first asked the question in 1986. The number is up from the 2016 findings that 45 percent of young people were single.

The General Social Survey is a “biennial, nationally representative survey that has been conducted by NORC at the University of Chicago since 1972 to monitor societal change and study the growing complexity of American society.”

In other relationship surveys from the GSS, the amount of people saying that they had a divorce has been steady or declining since 2014. People who were very happy in their marriage were up in 2018, 65 percent compared to 60 percent in 2016. The question was asked, “Is it wrong to have sex before marriage?” The response was 17 percent in 2018, the lowest level since the question was first asked in 1972 when it was at 34 percent.

A Pew Research Center study found that about 18 million unmarried partners were living with their partner. The cohabitation unmarried couples was up 29 percent since 2007.

The polls don’t only focus on relationships, they also find the pulse in the U.S. on a variety of topics such as current affairs, social issues, economic well-being, civil liberties, crime, politics, work, and religion.

So if you haven’t found that special someone don’t get worried, most other people haven’t either.

 

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5 Things He Needs To Feel Before He Can Fall In Love With You

Want to be in love forever?

If so, you first need to know how to recognize the real thing, since often, it’s the woman who sees it before the man.

As a relationship expert and love coach, I’ve found the primary indicator of real love is when your body, your heart & your mind all converge on the same undeniable truth: this man was made for you.

There’s also an unflinching awareness that you were made for him.

Basically, if you would bet your life (and his) that no other woman could ever love him better than you, then you’ve found the One.

But, let me warn you. Love is not easy. Once the starry-eyed phase has progressed into the inevitable power-struggle, that’s when the real work begins.

But it’s good work, and it provides the most direct access to intimacy.

Relationships are the most intense personal growth workshops that exist.

They’re the places you dive deep into your darkest shadow work. Love is not for the faint-hearted; it’s a gladiator sport. And that’s why I’m such champion for the highest, most resilient form possible, True Love.

You need a relentless, unshakable force strong enough to keep you doing the intense self-inquiry required to make a partnership effective, long term.

Your partner, if right, becomes a mirror for your magnificence and your myopias. A long-term relationship demands that you die into a more expansive version of you, and it can be terrifying (to your status-quo self).

Only True Love is strong enough to withstand the uncontrollable urge to run, to leave when it gets too hard.

And that is the point. Love is a sacred crucible for self-actualization. I believe it’s our fastest access to transformation.

This game is about rolling up your sleeves and getting down to those wounded areas in the basement of your psyche that you’ve been avoiding your whole life.

Here are some common reasons why you may not have found lasting love or marriage. Yet.

Listen for which statement(s) might apply to you:

  1. You treat men as if they’re more important or less important than you (both are equally dangerous & produce the same result, ie: he doesn’t feel met).
  2. You believe someone should love you “just the way you are” instead of seeking a partner who will stand for your greatest self.
  3. You want to be rescued—physically, financially, emotionally, intellectually.
  4. You’re riddled by shame, fear and hopelessness; you think true love is a fantasy that doesn’t exist.
  5. You’re desperately attached to being married with kids by a certain date, and looking for a good enough husband. Being in love is less important that being married.
  6. You’re unwilling to look at your own patterns that interfere with true intimacy.
  7. You’re ashamed of sexuality and have loads of unexplored guilt around it.
  8. You’re disconnected from your feelings & don’t share them openly with yourself or partner.
  9. You’re addicted to control and secretly want to have more power than he does.
  10. You’ve forgotten you’re a goddess, a creatrix and a high priestess deserving of love. If you don’t know you’re a Queen, you’ll never find your King.

These are the unproductive beliefs I had once, and often find in my female clients.

If any of these statements resonated for you, pay close attention to the rest of this article. If you don’t get these identified and handled, you may keep doing the same things over and over and never find your life partner, or worse.

 

If you want to have your dream guy fall in love and stay with you forever,

He has to experience the following five things first.

1) You as THE safest place for him to go on the planet.

Your arms, your eyes, your lap, those have to be a refuge for him. It can be a scary world to your partner’s inner child. If he doesn’t feel safe in your presence, he will not choose to build a life there, you can never be “home.”

However, if you become the safest place on the planet for his heart’s secret needs; he will never leave. You’ll continue to win over every other woman. Wherever his novelty-seeking eyes wander, he’ll always be called back to you.

 

2) He wants to feel like a hero.

This requires you to surrender to his strengths, wherever they are. Men want to feel trusted by their woman, that’s what they interpret as love.

This means you must learn to lean into his unique wisdom, his power and his support.  Trust is not earned, it can only be granted. Believe in his desire to serve you, nourish you and push you toward your wants.

Look for the hero in your partner, acknowledge, revere & appreciate that aspect. Men fall in love with the woman who lets him be her hero.

 

3) He wants to feel praised, not put down.

With your partner, reward good behavior and ignore bad behavior. What you put your attention on grows—it doesn’t matter if it’s positive or negative attention.

Do not use leverage, criticism or manipulation to get what you want; rather, invite a new behavior by making requests laced with trust and desire.

This is the feminine way to influence, seduce rather than coerce. Men hunger to be acknowledged for specific things, and in public, if possible.

Also notice how your ego may hold you back from sharing empowering, affirming feedback with your man, as an attempt to maintain leverage and power.

Power is not the currency of true love, open-hearted transparency is.

 

4) He wants to have a great sex life.

Keep developing yourself and your sexuality so you can share a non-shameful, exciting sex life. The litmus test of a relationship working long-term is their sex life. Sex makes or breaks relationships.

Like food, it’s not a luxury, it’s a staple and must be made a priority. If you want a guy to choose you to sleep with for the rest of his life, you have to learn to enjoy sex, share your needs, wants and fantasies, and be open to hearing his.

Constantly re-invent your sexuality together. Until these primal issues around sex and shame are explored openly with surgical sensitivity, they will haunt and undermine your relationship.

 

5) He wants to hear your truth.

Share your fears, pain, desires and dreams with him; in particular show him your humanity. He’s looking for a place where all his emotions are safe to land. If you cannot own and express your own emotions, you definitely won’t be able to help him with his.

 

For any relationship to really work, you have to get good at ‘feeling’ (not thinking what you feel, but actually feeling sensations in your body, in your somatic space). Many men don’t know how to feel their feelings and they’re unconsciously looking to their woman to teach them.

A man falls in love with the woman he feels most alive around. A woman creates a field of aliveness when she’s experiencing and expressing her emotion, without justification.

Learn to identify, map and name your emotional states, then practice sharing them. This can be scary, but it’s a crucial skill if you want to connect with your partner’s heart.

 

Now that we’ve explored the main experiences needed for a partner to surrender, we shall invoke the last requirement of a love that lasts forever- Faith.

Having Faith

Faith is the umbilical cord that connects you and your lover to each other and romantic success. Faith has no reasons, proofs or justifications.

It’s a blind resolve based on nothing but the unwavering belief in something you find true, good and beautiful.

Faith requires an unreasonable audacity. It is something you create in yourself, by yourself.

When you forget all the reasons for your love, or cannot feel the encouraging emotions in your body, faith is the only thing that keeps you going when the situation seems dark and hopeless.

Cultivating faith is a muscle and it must be practiced individually and privately when doubt tries to creep in.

As a woman, you are the emotional leader in your relationship, which is why it’s important to master these skills if you’re committed to a love that lasts.

Some things cannot be learned, except through creation. I invite you to take on becoming a creator of love, even in the face of fear.

True Love requires only one thing: that you believe in it.

I know somewhere deep inside you is an ember that burns with the knowing that true love exists; let’s blow on that ember & make a fire that fuels your own private fairy tale.

You can never have what you don’t believe in.

So believe.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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Haley – Rusty Lawn Mower

Matched with a moderately attractive girl. We talked for a few days before deciding to get dinner and a movie.

I picked her up and we headed to the sushi restaurant we had decided on earlier. She’s dead silent the whole ride, only breaking it to whisper one word responses to my small talk. This should be a red flag but I just chalked it up to nerves.

At dinner, she immediately orders a glass of wine. By immediately, I mean we hadn’t even sat down yet. This would normally not be a problem at all but we had just talked about how neither of us really drink much. But, again I chalk it up to her nerves.

After her 3rd glass of wine in 20 minutes I start to get pretty nervous. She doesn’t seem to be affected by the wine yet though. This is where I wanted to end the date, but being a silly optimist, I had already bought the movie tickets online.

She seems way less nervous now, she’s actually talking and we had decent conversation on the way to the theater. I begin to think maybe this date will turn around.

But as soon as we get in the theater she heads straight for the bar and orders a full Solo cup sized glass of wine. I mentally check out at this point.

During the movie, it becomes apparent that she is absolutely shit faced. About 20 minutes in, she gets up to go to the bathroom and comes back with another full solo cup of wine. She starts sloppily trying to make out with the side of my face despite me pushing her away. The theater is completely packed, by the way. This goes back and forth for a few minutes until I put on my most serious face and gave her a stern NO.

Her reaction? She starts hysterically crying, asking why I don’t want her, just making a big scene that culminates with her saying she loves me. I looked her dead in the eye and said, “You don’t even know me.” After what seemed like ten minutes of crying, I finally get her to calm down and she almost immediately passes out. I was ecstatic when I realized she was asleep. My nightmare is almost over.

Then I begin to hear what can only be described as a rusty lawn mower with sleep apnea. She’s snoring. And it’s LOUD. I could feel my seat vibrate each time she exhaled. Flicking her ear every few minutes was enough to keep her snoring at bay.

On the ride back to drop her off, she changed my radio presets, sung (terribly) to every song, and fell asleep. It was a 10 minute drive.

I finally got to her house and dropped her off.

Tinder is great though, I met my current girlfriend, Cherie on it and our first date is one of my favorite memories ever.

 

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14 Women Describe the Moment They Knew They Were Bisexual

Bisexuality isn’t an exact science. The experience for one individual may look very different than the experience of another. So what exactly does it mean to be bisexual? According to the Human Rights Campaign, a bisexual person is someone who can be attracted to more than one gender.

However, while some people who are attracted to multiple genders may identify as bisexual, others may instead identify as pansexual, queer, fluid, or not label themselves at all.

“It’s really different for everyone,” says LGBTQ expert Kryss Shane, LMSW. “Some people who identify as bisexual might have always been romantically or sexually attracted to people of multiple genders; Some people who identify as bisexual maybe prefer pornography or in-real-life sexual encounters with people of multiple genders.”

To be clear though, there’s no sort of checklist that can determine whether or not you’re bisexual. But to help, here are 14 women’s stories on the moment they knew they were bisexual and how they embraced their identity.

1. “I knew I was bisexual when I was 15. I had curious thoughts about women for years, but thought it was just me wanting to be friends with them. When I was younger though, I was a big Glee fan, and that show introduced a lot of female relationships that I hadn’t seen before. I think just being exposed to those really popular pairings made me realize that I wanted what I was seeing, but was also still equally boy-crazy. Once I realized I wanted a dog and a picket white fence with a girl, that’s when I really knew I was truly bisexual.” —Michelle O., 23.

2. “At 24, I met a girl and found myself not only fantasizing about kissing her, but actually dating her too. You know, like waking up with her in the morning, cuddling on the sofa, etc. I remember standing and looking at her talking to a friend when I realized that I would not make an exception for her, I was just bisexual.” —Christin H., 33.

3. “I was probably 12 when I realized I had feelings for both men and women. However, I didn’t understand what that feeling was. I was always very intimidated by other girls in my grade, and I never understood why—but looking back, it was definitely because I was attracted to them and shoved that to the side. My senior year of college though, I was crushing hard on one of my friends and it was very apparent to me what that actually meant.” —Laurel F., 24

4. “I don’t know if there was a specific moment… it was more a short period of time in which I realized I had my first crush on a girl—but in a way that I thought was normal until I understood not all people felt that way.” —Lauren R., 21

5. “I identified as straight until I was 29. There was one summer when I developed a crush on three women, and one of them ended up being my first girlfriend. We dated for three years. I didn’t really label my sexuality at that point, but knew I wasn’t straight anymore. After that relationship, I dated somebody who was trans and non-binary, so I started learning more about bisexuality and started to embrace that I’m attracted to people of many genders.” —Cally I, 35

6. “I realized at probably 13 that I might like girls when my best friend at the time got her first boyfriend and I felt so heartbroken and jealous. I always just accepted that I could be attracted to both men and women, and haven’t questioned it since!” —Samantha R., 25

7. “I knew deep down that I was bisexual since puberty, as I was fantasizing about women—even though I had always been attracted to boys from a very early age. So when I got to high school, I started experimenting with girls. Throughout school, I was hazed by other gay friends of mine that insisted I was a lesbian, but I knew I wasn’t. Eventually, I met my now husband. Coming out to him was the hardest thing I have ever done, but the most liberating.” —Becky B., 27

8. “I was 20 or 21 when I came to terms with it. I was on a bus and a hot girl came on and I thought, ‘I’m probably gay, that’s it.’ Then a hot guy came on and I was like, ‘Woah, pretty sure lesbians are not this attracted to men.’ So then came the light bulb moment where I realized I was bi and there was no explanation needed.” —Lorenna L., 23

9. “I always had boyfriends when I was younger, but I think that was because I knew that’s what girls were supposed to do. I’ve definitely always liked men and women, but I didn’t realize my feelings toward women until my friends bought me a Paris Hilton CD and when I saw her on the cover, I was like, ‘Oh, shit, I like girls too.'” —Laura C., 23

10. “I went to an all girl’s school and in 8th grade, I was standing in line behind one of my best friends for a Halloween haunted house. She was dressed as Michael Jackson in a white dress shirt and black pants. I felt incredibly attracted to her and realized in that moment I liked girls as much as guys.” —Jayne S., 33

11. “I fell in love with a woman at 18, but I didn’t feel comfortable with the idea that all my dating relationships up to that point were merely compulsory. Realizing that neither the straight, nor the gay/lesbian labels fit me was my first experience as a member of a marginalized group. Then, I joined a community for bisexual women and the group shaped me personally and professionally. My first marriage was to a man and my second and now current marriage is with a woman.” —Alison B., 45

12. “There wasn’t one specific moment when I realized I was bisexual, but I think I realized it when I was 17. I had been dating this guy, but I found myself clinging to his best friend. She and I would make out occasionally, but I told myself it was just to get the attention of guys around us. Eventually, I realized I had a crush on her. When I look back at that moment, I felt relief. I finally had a word to describe the way I adored other women when I was younger.” —Abbey B., 22

13. “There were hints throughout my life—my love the The L Word, my involvement in gay rights, the way I couldn’t keep my eyes to myself when I was at the beach and girls were in bikinis. I was finally able to admit to myself when I went to a strip club and sat at the rack and was like, ‘Yup, I’m bi.’ I made an OkCupid profile shortly after and then started coming out to my friends and family.” —Tabby T., 30

14. “I first knew I was bisexual when I was 17. I was supposed to visit my friend at her house on the weekend and she called me to tell me who was going. She told me her twin sister was bringing her girlfriend, but I was a little surprised to know she had a girlfriend. I asked my friend about it because I had always known her sister to be the ‘boy crazy’ type, and she nonchalantly said her sister was bisexual. I thought about the conversation all week and realized that was the word I had been looking for my whole life.” —Sam G., 21

 

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I Really Wish I Didn’t Have to Date in the Age of Apps

“Dating is hard” is something I hear all the time. And I get it. Meeting a new person, trying to get through small talk, and hoping to make a lasting connection can be extremely daunting and scary. But we do it to find our person — the one we’re meant to be with and who makes us want to be better. So all the other stuff — the awkward beginnings, the swiping left and right, the bad dates — is worth it, right?

In theory, dating apps seem like the perfect solution to help with not only finding the one, but also finding the “perfect” one. You can choose whatever physical qualities and values you look for and swipe until you find it. However, I think they’ve made it even harder to find someone, let alone date them.

It’s easy to match with a lot of people, but it’s even easier to keep swiping for a “better” option rather than focusing on one person.

Yes, they provide lots of options for you to choose from, and it allows you to vet a person before actually having to go out with them, but sometimes, too many choices can be a bad thing. I personally find myself getting bored with people I match with and vice versa. It’s easy to match with a lot of people and start talking to them, but it’s even easier to keep swiping for an even “better” option rather than focusing on one person and trying to build something with them.

The first date I ever went on was with a guy I met through OkCupid, and I thought it went really well for a first date. We talked for almost three hours, flirting back and forth with one another. I didn’t mind that he didn’t kiss me at the end of it, and I started to think that dating apps maybe weren’t as bad as I thought. That is until he unmatched and ghosted me without explanation. It really messed with my self-esteem for awhile, but I eventually realized that this was part of dating in the age of apps. We can be with someone great now, but the possibility that someone better could be out there can be thrilling to some. Only, it’s detrimental in the long run. Nobody should ever settle, but always looking for more can make you miss out on something (or someone) that’s right in front of you.

I think a lot about the fact that I’m almost 24 years old and have only gone on that one real date. It makes me afraid that I’m destined to be alone. Growing up, I was never the girl guys thought to ask out. They would ask me to help them ask out my friends and that was it. I always thought I would really start to date in college and meet the love of my life, like my parents did. I was raised to be independent and comfortable in my own skin without the validation of other people, but I still couldn’t help but dream about finally meeting my person in college. But the reality is I went through all four years without going on any dates because, like a lot of others, I didn’t take risks. I missed out on connecting with some really great people because I wanted to find someone perfect, when the truth is that nobody’s perfect.

When you’re face to face with someone, yeah, you might be attracted to their physical qualities, but the emotional connection you build with that person, whether it’s instant or over time, is something no dating app can replicate. There’s something thrilling and exciting about meeting a new person for the first time without any expectations or thoughts of the other 12 people you matched with that day. Sometimes I feel like dating apps discourage us from taking those risks — saying hi to someone in a coffee shop, asking for directions on the train, or just jumping right in and asking someone out because they caught your eye — because people are so buried in their phones. But are we really living if we don’t take a leap of faith once in awhile?

Dating apps are great for a lot of people. I know people who have found their person because of them. But I just wish sometimes that dating wasn’t so consumed by them, because human connections — at least the ones I wish to have — can’t be manufactured by technology, no matter how advanced we’re able to develop it.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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Meet The Tinder Prostitutes

Guess what these women on Tinder really mean when they say ‘80 roses an hour’? Hint: it’s got nothing to do with flowers

Sarah went on Tinder for the same reason lots of women our age do – to find out how many single guys there were in her local area and to have an easy, safe way to get in contact with them. But, unlike lots of girls, Sarah doesn’t want to find single men because she looking for a boyfriend. She doesn’t even want a no-strings hookup – at least not in the way you’d think. Unlike you’re average user, when Sarah sleeps with a guy she meets on Tinder she leaves with much more than new number in her a phone and a funny sex story to tell her mates – she leaves with a pocketful of cash. Because unlike most 24-year-old girls using Tinder, Sarah’s a prostitute and she’s using the hookup app to lure in clients.

 

‘It made so much sense – where else do you basically have a database of all the down to fuck men in your area?’

‘Tinder has at least doubled my business,’ Sarah, who had a job in a strip bar before becoming a prostitute four years ago, explains to The Debrief. ‘In the last week alone, I’ve seen 12 clients all from Tinder and have earned over £1,000. I got the idea from a friend of mine who’s also on the game. I think she actually joined Tinder to find a boyfriend or whatever, but was sent dozens of messages from guys asking for no-strings sex, threesomes or naked pictures – there was basically no romance there at all. She just thought to herself “I’m not getting anywhere using Tinder to find a bloke, why don’t I just use it to boost business?” It made so much sense – where else do you basically have a database of all the down to fuck men in your area? – and she found it so easy I thought I might as well give it a go. I just made a profile, wrote caption that made it kind of obvious what I do for a living, matched everyone who I was OK sleeping with and then waited for matches to get in contact with me. I know more and more prostitutes are cottoning on as well – it’s made my job insanely easy.’

There have been reports for some time that Tinder has been being used this way over the globe. New Mexico State Senator Jacob Candelaria specifically blasted the app in his attempt to ‘clean up’ dating websites which allow the soliciting of sex. He told KOB Eyewitness News 4, ‘Our laws can’t and don’t keep pace with technological advancement and there will always be people looking to exploit those loopholes. We’re weak. Our courts have said our pimping laws are not applicable to the internet.’

And it looks like the same thing’s happening here, but should we be surprised? The dating app’s anonymity and pure reach make it a natural fit for sex workers. If you’ve ever borrowed your male mate’s phone to ‘play’ Tinder from the other side of the fence, you’ve no doubt come across a few of the profiles yourself. In between the ordinary profiles, you’ll find one or two pictures of lingerie-clad women provactively posing for selfies. That in itself isn’t exactly unusual, but what sets these profiles apart is what the women are offering in their ‘about’ section.

I was blown away by how quick, easy and transparent it could be to buy sex over Tinder

The ‘kind of obvious’ messages that prostitutes use to distinguish themselves from other girls’ profiles are easy to spot once you know the (admittedly, not hugely subtle) code. In London, at least, they’re easily identifiable by a proclivity for using rose emojis. Descriptions I have come across when I was researching this feature include ‘[rose emoji] 80 roses for the best night of your life’, ‘90 [rose emoji] for BBBJ’ [meaning bare back blowjob – blowjobs without a condom – according to Sarah] and ‘80 roses for an hour, GFE [Sarah says this is for a girlfriend experience] [rose emoji].’ In case you still haven’t figured it out – ‘roses’ mean ‘pounds sterling’.

Using my male housemate’s Tinder account, I was able to chat to three prostitues in one day and was blown away by how quick, easy and transparent it could be to buy sex over Tinder. On all three occasions, the process was the same – match with the girl, chat to them over Tinder about what I wanted and how much they would charge and then they’d send me a mobile number to ring and an address to go to. The price ranged from £70 for an hour with, extras such as blowjobs or anal increasing the price to over £100, to £300 for the entire evening and a full ‘girlfriend experience’. I was able to negotiate these prices without leaving my sofa or even speaking to the girl and that seems to be the point – it’s remarkable how easy Tinder makes it for users to skip the chit-chat and just pay a stranger for sex – all without deviating away from their iPhone.

For Sarah, the appeal seems to be that Tinder allows her to sell sex for cash while remaining anonymous and slipping past any interference from the police. ‘I had always worked at brothels or kerb-crawled before I started using Tinder, which was a nightmare, because you’d have to deal with hassle from the police. I’ve been in a brothel once when it was raided and it’s not an experience I’d like to repeat. And being shooed away by police on street corners is fucking boring. I’ve tried Gumtree and other websites, but they’re now really hot on closing down profiles that are soliciting sex. Tinder lets me get on with it completely privately – they message me, we chat, they come round, I shag them – or sometimes even just chat because it’s not always about the sex – and then they leave. It’s not traceable.’

When anyone reports Sarah’s profile and Tinder shuts it down, all she does is make another Facebook profile and get right back on.

The laws around prostitution in England and Wales are far from simple. The act of prostitution is not in itself illegal – but there are certain laws that criminalise activities around it. Under the Sexual Offences Act 2003, it is an offence to cause or incite prostitution or control it for personal gain, and the 1956 Sexual Offences Act prohibits running a brothel and it’s against the law to loiter or solicit sex on the street. So selling sex on Tinder is not only completely within the parameters of the law, it allows these women to bypass any legal issues they might have selling sex through ‘traditional means’. No wonder Sarah finds it so appealing. For their part, Tinder is clear that such activities are against the app’s terms of service, which forbids commercial solicitation of any kind including ‘advertising or soliciting any user to buy or sell any products or services not offered by the Company’. Not that that’s had any affect on Sarah – when anyone reports her profile and Tinder shuts it down, all she does is make another Facebook profile and get right back on. It’s difficult to see how Tinder can keep on top of policing it.

So it certainly seems to be functional for Sarah, but what affect is it having on her emotionally? Using Tinder to solicit clients strips away what little face-to-face communication Sarah had with the people she’s about to have sex with so it becomes completely transactional – almost like doing a supermarket shop. Is she worried about what emotional damage she might be doing to herself? ‘Sometimes I think they forget that there’s an actual human behind the profile and there are times when it hasn’t been ideal,’ she admits. ‘People troll you a bit, but it comes with the territory and I just block them, because it’s a waste of my time. But even in person, people aren’t always very nice. When you meet with clients in the brothel or on the street, they obviously know what you look like in “real life”, but I admit that the pictures I used on my Tinder profile show me looking at my absolute best and, sometimes, the guys are disappointed with what they see when they arrive. Mainly all that people do is make a unkind joke about my appearance – which I can handle – but on one occasion someone actually left, which was obviously a bit shitty. And I do worry about my safety, but if I’m concerned, my male neighbor – who is a good mate – has a key to my house and I just text him if I feel intimidated and he gets rid of them.’

Interestingly, Sarah says that the sex she has through Tinder tends to be more ‘vanilla’ than some of the requests she had when she was working in a brothel. ‘I used to get people asking for weird stuff – one guy wanted me to wank him off into his own mouth– when I was in a brothel, but because the users on Tinder tend to be predominantly men in their twenties and thirties, they usually don’t want anything that niche. The most bizarre request I’ve had from Tinder was from a banker in his late twenties who wanted a classic sub-dom scenario and for me to urinate on him, but that’s not really a big deal to me. I got into this because I love sex and I have a really high sex drive. I get to have sex for a living and I absolutely love my job. Anyway, most of my friends on Tinder have sex with guys who then disappear off the face of the planet. The only difference between me and them is that I’m charging.’

 

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