How to Forget an Ex for Good: 14 Proven Ways to Happily Move On

Learning how to forget an ex isn’t easy. It doesn’t mean it’s impossible. Try out these 14 tips if you want to forget your ex and move on with your life.

I was never good at moving on from my past relationships. And when social media showed me how I could become the biggest stalker in the world, well, let’s just say I really worked on developing how to forget an ex.

I would spend hours examining posts, trying to figure out the possible hidden messages, see if they were in pain over the breakup, missing every moment of my presence. Obviously, that was mostly my ego doing the social media stalking, but let’s save that for another day.

The point is forgetting an ex isn’t as easy as people think it is.

How to forget an ex – The little steps you need to take

If you were emotionally bonded with someone, you’re breaking that bond. You’re no longer a couple; you’re transitioning to strangers. It’s a weird transition to make, and that’s why it’s so hard to do.

Most of the time, it happens on a whim, and you’re left feeling displaced and shocked. But that doesn’t mean you won’t be able to move on. Yes, it’s a shock, and it’ll be hard, but it’s entirely doable. In other words, your life isn’t over, and you will find love again.

It’s time you moved on and learned how to get over an ex.

#1 Stop stalking. I know you want to see their social media and make sure they haven’t moved on yet. But, you need to stop stalking them. Delete them from all social media, and whatever apps you have them on. How can you move on if they’re constantly in your face? Stop stalking.

#2 Focus on yourself. Um, hello. You’re single now, which means you have all the time in the world to focus on yourself. Tis the season for self-care, and now, it’s time you practiced it. Find a new activity, spend time with your friends and family, or go for hikes. Focus on doing things you enjoy and make you happy.

#3 Get yourself busy. If you’re laying on the couch all day, your mind will be focused on them. You’ll be sitting there, thinking about how they laugh or why they dumped you. It’s not a good move. Instead, get yourself busy. Whether it’s work, school, or volunteering, fill your day up with activities. The less you think about them, the better.

#4 Reflect on the breakup. There are two people in every relationship, meaning you have a responsibility in the relationship as well. It’s time for you to reflect on the relationship and see what went wrong. What were the things you did in the relationship? What should you work on for yourself?

#5 Think about the things you didn’t like. Every relationship has its ups and downs. There are things you liked about your partner and the relationship, and things you didn’t. During a breakup, we tend to only look at the good times. But this is when you should focus on the attributes you didn’t like. For your next relationship, you’ll be more aware of what you don’t want in a partnership.

#6 Hang out with your friends and family. Spend time with your support group as they’re the ones who will stand by you through the ups and downs. Listen to their advice and accept their love and support. And if you want to pull through, you’ll need those people around you.

#7 Don’t force them out of your mind. When it comes to knowing how to forget an ex, if you try too hard to not think about them, it’s not going to work. It’ll do the opposite. Let yourself grieve; this isn’t a race. Grieving isn’t something you can control or force. If they’re on your mind, process these thoughts and feelings. With time, they’ll disappear on their own. 

#8 If you’re still sleeping together, stop. Yeah, I know you think that you can continue sleeping with them without having feelings, but that’s a fairytale. You’ll never be able to move on if you’re still intimate with your ex. The sex may be good, but you know what’s better? Moving on.

#9 Grieve. Breaking up with someone is a grieving process. You no longer have your ex in your life, and it’s a transition. Give yourself the time to be emotional. Cry, scream, yell, get all your emotions out, and go through the process.

#10 Write your feelings down. Your friends and family will eventually get tired of talking about the breakup. This isn’t a bad thing. Really, there’s only so much other people can hear about it. So, write your feelings down, and get out everything that’s floating around in your mind. Just get it out.

#11 Don’t be friends with them. Yeah, I know you think you could be friends with them, but let’s get real here. It’s not going to happen, at least not right now. You can’t grieve and move on if you’re still hanging out with your ex-partner. So take a solid break from them, and when you feel you’ve moved on, then bring them back into your life.

#12 Volunteer and give back. We underestimate the value of giving back. When we’re stuck in our heads, it’s hard to see the good things you have in your life. But volunteering will keep you busy and will direct your time and energy towards giving back.

#13 Plan a trip. Sometimes, you just need to get out of your environment to help you put things into perspective. And you don’t even need to travel the world. A weekend trip to the next town over can do wonders. Plus, a change of scenery can help you reflect and inspire you for the future.

#14 Give yourself time to move on. When there’s a breakup, you want to move on as soon as possible. This is why we rebound and act like everything is okay. But in reality, you’re grieving. It’s going to take months for you to move on, and that’s okay. Give yourself time to move on.

 

Understanding how to forget an ex isn’t something that can be done overnight. But, give yourself a little bit of time, and you’ll move on to greener pastures.

 

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13 Types Of Guys Who Are Still Single After 35 – And They’re All Pretty Terrible

I’m Number 11!

Because the dating scene just ain’t what it use to be.

When you’re in your early 20s, almost everyone is single. Then, around 25 or so, “it” happens. Men, all of a sudden, want to start settling down. And if you’re as unlucky in love as I am, that means that you will end up being single, still trying to find The One who’s actually right for you. In a couple of years, almost everyone you know will end up settling down.

Unfortunately, single men who reach age 35 without being in a relationship are often dumpster fires. Like, bad ones. Speaking as someone who’s been there, dated that, and followed all sorts of dating advice, these are the types of single men you’ll meet after you hit the big 3-5.

1. The Aging Player

If he was still 22, this might be alright. But when a guy’s single at 30 and still juggling women, it’s just sad. People who need to keep up the “Player’s Lifestyle” are not happy people; they’re often very lonely and very insecure.

They often have issues they may not even be aware of. Sure, these guys can coast along when they’re 30, but usually, by 40, they realize that men’s looks fade, too, and money can only go so far. Contrary to popular belief, men do end up losing value over time, too. After all, money can’t buy love — just sex.

2. The Bitter Man

Oh, he went through the wringer, he did! Much like bitter women, Bitter Men had just one too many bad experiences with the dating scene and now they are done. Unlike bitter women, though, Bitter Men express their bitterness with rage, and are very vocal about it. They want you to know the dating equivalent of, “You didn’t fire me! I quit!”

Much like the Aging Player, these men are very sad people. They may need mental wellness help, and they may need to do some soul searching. They know not all women are like that, but they’ve reached the point where the resentment and rejection got so bad that they no longer could have a healthy relationship, even if they wanted to.

3. The Frantic Man

Biological clocks happen with men, too. One day, this guy, possibly a player, woke up and realized that he needs a family. Now, he’s on the prowl, and he’s a bit desperate.

His friends are getting worried, and so are his family members. He’s hitting up Match.com trying to find The One who will be a good baby mama. Oddly enough, he’s probably not that bad of a catch. However, you better be willing to settle down yesterday with this one. Like, babies, ASAP.

4. The Divorced Dad

He’s a great guy, things just didn’t work out with his ex. There’s a small catch to dating him though, and it’s not really that small. He’s got a kid… or five. You better believe that he’s looking for a replacement mother for them, but there’s good news.

These guys, if you want to have a ring and kids, are a good option. Sort of. They can have baggage that might make you think twice, especially if you hear rants about baby mamas thrown in the mix.

5. The Married Guy Who Claims He’s Single

Yeah, they’re not single. They’re just horrible human beings who probably should divorce the poor women they swindled into marriage. Nothing about guys like this is sexy.

This is a huge portion of the reason why so many women end up having trust issues. But trust me, he’s in the minority. At least, that’s what I’m hoping is true.

6. The Dumpster Fire

Dumpster Fires are actually not always physically unappealing, per se, but that’s often icing on the cake. You see, the problem with Dumpster Fires is that they are literally unable to behave normally with other people. They often have an idea that something might be wrong, but they can’t, for the life of them, understand why they have such a hard time with people.

There are a million reasons why a Dumpster Fire could be a persona non grata in the dating scene. Whether it’s due to Nice Guy Syndrome, drug use, violent mood swings, or something else, the fact is that the Dumpster Fire is always a s***show in the dating scene, regardless of how much they can’t see that fact.

7. Mr. You’re-So-Nice-As-A-Friend

Some people, regardless of looks or personality, just don’t seem to have the right “zazz” to be considered f***able by others. He might have an “uncle face,” put off the wrong vibes, or just have some kind of mismatch in hormones.

Sadly, there’s not much people in this situation can do, aside from continuing their search, trying to improve themselves more, or giving up.

8. The Optimistic Quitter

Sometimes, love just doesn’t seem to be a priority, or rather, just doesn’t seem to be in the cards. Men, more than women, are likely to just stop trying to date anyone and are also likely to stop pursuing partners. Why? Because in many situations, it just doesn’t make sense to keep trying only to face an increased change of being shot down.

What’s cool about Optimistic Quitters is that they aren’t necessarily bitter towards women, and that they would be open if a girl were to approach them. However, due to the dating scene being what it is, they may not even pick up when a lady’s interested anymore.

9. The Manchild

Narcissistic and totally irresponsible, the Manchild usually does believe he wants to date someone. However, he doesn’t actually want a girlfriend. He wants a new mom. He also wants to have a mom that blows him and provides for him.

Woe is the woman who finds herself a Manchild boyfriend, because she’ll likely be burned out by the time she leaves him. Outwardly, though, he seems okay… at least at the start. That’s what keeps him being different than a Dumpster Fire.

10. The Guy Who Realizes He’s Messed Up And Refuses To Date Because Of It

Many of the types of single men you’ll see after 30 are just not respectable from a dating standpoint. But this guy? This guy, you have to respect. It takes a lot of willpower to actually admit that there are problems that need to be fixed before you get into dating again.

Some of these guys swear off dating permanently, other guys are just doing a temporary break. Either way, at least he’s being honest with himself.

11. The Guy Who Legit Is Happily Single And Won’t Change That

Social standards, be damned. Some folks are happy being single and want to stay that way. It happens to both men and women, so we can’t really hate. (I think that’s me!)

12. The Catch

He’s got a Master’s from Yale, a kickass body, and, oh yeah, no psychological issues. He lives an action-packed life. He doesn’t have kids, either.

Problem? Well, he’s looking for his equivalent in a woman and, unfortunately, rare guys like this will end up staying single for longer because it’s so hard to find someone that perfect, regardless of gender.

13. The Choosing Beggar

Some folks hear the phrase “Beggars can’t be choosers” and don’t realize it applies to them. As unromantic as it is to say, there’s no such thing as a totally perfect partner, especially if you, yourself, are far from perfect.

However, Choosing Beggars will not give up their standards of seeing women who are modelesque, 5’10”, with a booming career, regardless of the fact that they often have pot bellies, bad personalities, and dead-end jobs. Oh well, single life isn’t that bad, right?

Which one of these losers are you? Do you know anyone who fits any of these descriptions?

I do!

 

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How to Know if Someone Likes You Back: 15 Subtle Signs People Miss

You have butterflies for someone, but of course, you want to know if the feelings are mutual. Learning how to know if someone likes you back IS possible.

How to know if someone likes you back is something we can figure it out together. Listen, I’ve been head over heels countless times on dates or just talking to a guy. I stuttered like crazy, fidgeted, and blushed like I broke out in a rash.

When I really liked someone, I could never play it cool. I mean, I knew I was into them, I was already planning our wedding and what we would name our kids. Okay, maybe not… actually, yes, yes, I did do that.

But while that was happening, I had no idea how they felt back. And let’s be honest, if a relationship is going to happen, you both need to like each other. It can’t be one-sided.

How to know if someone likes you back

If you’ve been on a first date already, or you’re meeting them for the first time, you want to get a general idea of what they think about you. Of course, you may not fall in love right away, but if they like you and you like them, well, that’s a nice recipe for possibility.

And I know you want to tell them how you feel but getting the courage to bring up that topic is always easier when you know they’re into you. So, let’s get this show on the road!

#1 They mirror you. Okay, not like a French mime, but when we like someone, the signs they display are usually very subtle. If you cross your legs, they cross their legs. If you’re standing with your arms on your waist, they’re doing the same. Mirroring helps create a subconscious bond with the other person.

#2 You feel it. I’m all about intuition. Most of us ignore our gut instinct, but you should never ignore what your body is trying to tell you. If there’s something inside of you saying, “this person likes me,” you’re probably right. At the same time, if your body is saying, “this person is creepy,” then you’re also right. Don’t deny your feelings.

#3 They always try to touch you. Not in a creepy way. If someone is having their hands all over you, sure they may like you, but that’s also harassment. This form of touching isn’t what I’m talking about. When you’re making a joke or playing a game together, they’ll find a reason to touch you affectionately. Maybe they’ll touch your arm or back.

#4 They’re always around you. They just always seem to be near you. Whether it’s at work or school, wherever you look there they are. I used to do this all of the time.

I wanted my crush to see me; I wanted to be near him. They want to be close to you, and, well, that’s why they’re always standing next to you.

#5 They get rid of the barriers. If you are sitting together for lunch, they’re going to try to remove any obstacles between you. Whether it’s the salt and pepper shakers or a cup, they’re going to make an open space. Now, if they don’t do this, it doesn’t mean they don’t like you. It just means you  haven’t built a bond yet.

#6 They remember the important things. If you’re wondering how to know if someone likes you back, ask yourself if they pay attention to details around you. If you have a big exam coming up or it’s your birthday, they remember these dates. Usually, unless it’s your family or close friends, people don’t remember these specific details. But if they like you, they’re investing energy in getting to know you. 

#7 They always laugh at your jokes. And trust me, some of your jokes aren’t funny. But when someone likes you, they’ll always laugh at jokes. If they’re not laughing at your jokes, it shows you they didn’t like the joke. And if they’re into you, they don’t want you to think that.

#8 They lean into you. If someone isn’t interested in you, they’re not going to try to get into your personal space or show they like you. Instead, they make more space between you and them. But, if they dig you, they’ll lean in forward and face you, removing the distance. This is a great sign they’re into you.

#9 They’re nervous when making eye contact. The eyes will tell you everything when it comes to figuring out how to know if someone likes you back. Some people are more confident and have no problem engaging in eye contact. And, if that was the case with this person, you would already know where you stand with them. But some people are shy. And in this case, they’re going to be nervous making eye contact with you. 

#10 They love asking you questions. When we like someone, we want to get to know them. So, that’s why we ask a lot of questions. If this person is asking you more personal questions, it’s a good sign they’re interested in you. If they didn’t like you, they wouldn’t care about your family, hobbies, or favorite movies.

#11 Watch their feet. This isn’t about having a foot fetish. This may sound a little weird, but if someone likes you, their feet will point in your direction. It’s a subtle sign, but body language is a huge indicator of how someone feels about you. Whether they’re sitting down or standing, their feet will be pointed in your direction.

#12 Drunk dial, anyone? Have you received a drunk dial from them? Come on, you know what that means. If they’re calling or texting you after a couple of drinks, I think it’s safe to say you’re on their mind. And you know the saying, “drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.” 

#13 They’ll try to hang out with you as much as they can. If they like you, they’ll find all the reasons in the world to hang out with you. Whether it’s a new movie coming out or it’s sunny outside, they just want to spend time with you. And we all know people don’t waste their time on someone they’re not interested in.

#14 They’re all over your social media. Whatever picture you post or story you make, they’re all over it. Social media isn’t just for communication. You can also use it as a way to see who’s watching you *in a non-creepy way*. If they’re commenting on your posts and sending you private messages, they like you.

#15 Their friends like you. Obviously, their friends know about you. And this is something you should be paying attention to. If they’re cracking jokes about the two of you or letting you into their circle, it’s a good sign they have given the thumbs up of approval.

 

Now that you’ve figured how to know if someone likes you back, what do you think? Does this person like you back? If you’re not sure, well, why don’t you ask them?

 

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5 ways to make your girlfriend miss you like crazy

It is human nature to be wanted, needed and of course, missed.

So in a relationship, you’d want your presence to mean so much to your partner and that they’d long to see you again on the occasions when you cant be with them.

But not every boyfriend, husband or partner as special as this special to their babes. If you want your girlfriend to always look forward to your return with fond expectation, these are five things you have to regularly do.

1. A unique experience

Give her an experience that she can remember only you by. But be unique with the experience and you can even make it something she has never done before or something she has always wanted to try but just never got around to it.

2. Do other things

You do not always have to be with her. Hang out with your friends, pursue other interests and encourage her to do same. Being her boyfriend does not mean she has to be tied to her apron or her to yours. Give her an opportunity to actually miss you.

3. Send her a song that is special to you

This is one of the most romantic ways of making her miss you. Just send her song that she knows is special to you and the lyrics should hold some meaning. In time, the song will become ‘your’ song, i.e, a song that means so much to you both. And before you know it, hearing that song anywhere will remind her of you all the time.

4. Make her laugh

You need to realize the importance of giving up your hard guy stance once you get into a relationship. Being unemotional, or deciding to bury that side of you underneath is not ideal. If you want your girlfriend or babe or wife to miss you and constantly want you by her side, make her laugh as many times as you can. All the time.

5. Treat her well

If you treat her well, give her unrivaled and undivided attention, she will always feel special with you, and will associate that feeling of being wanted with you. As a result, she will always want to spend time with you and when she can’t, she will pine so much for it.

 

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If You’re Having Relationship Problems, It May Be Because You’re Stuck in the Karpman Drama Triangle

Be more aware of and break free of drama triangles.

Are your personal relationships strained or combative? Are you seeing signs of a toxic relationship with someone you thought you could trust? Do you often find yourself in power struggles with friends or people at work?

If so, you could be playing one or more roles within the Karpman Drama Triangle and not even know it.

But, you can be more aware of — and break free of — these manipulative dynamics and prevent yourself from falling into unhealthy relationships once and for all.

The Drama Triangle was developed in the 1960s by psychiatrist Stephen Karpman. It explains what creates unhealthy relationships between people.

Karpman observed that anytime we feel angry, victimized, or misunderstood, it’s because we’ve slipped into one of three unconscious and disempowering roles:

  • The Persecutor: Plays the role of the bully, criticizing and blaming others in order to disconnect from more vulnerable feelings.
  • The Victim: Avoids making decisions, solving problems, or taking responsibility for their circumstances. Instead, they attempt to get their needs met indirectly — and will blame others if things don’t work out.
  • The Rescuer: The self-proclaimed hero or good guy. If we’re caught up in this role, we try to help others even when it violates their boundaries. We try to rescue others even at the expense of ourselves. Later, we may feel resentful if that person fails to give us the acknowledgment we think we deserve.

In an unhealthy relationship, these three roles are highly interchangeable — meaning we may cycle in and out of them many times in a single conversation.

For example, the perpetrator, realizing his outburst has triggered sadness in his target, may suddenly try to rescue that person. And the target, who was moments ago a victim of the perpetrator’s anger, may switch into the role of perpetrator and lash out.

Regardless of which role we play, participating in the Drama Triangle is an exhausting way to live. We may succeed in controlling others in the short term. But in the long run, we deny ourselves the power to create relationships based on mutual respect and joy.

What makes matters worse is that our participation in these dramas is often unconscious. We simply reenact the same scenarios we saw being played out in our families of origin.

So, if you want healthy relationships, it’s time to change things.

Here are 3 principles to help you recognize when you’ve fallen into the Drama Triangle so you can break free from it once and for all.

1. It only takes one

So often, we’re motivated to change our behavior because we want someone else to improve theirs. But this is a trap that puts our happiness in the hands of someone else.

Begin by acknowledging that no matter how anyone interacts with you, you have the power to choose a different response. By choosing to deliberately respond rather than reflexively react, you set into motion an entirely different outcome.

2. Your words have power

Our words reflect our dominant perspective and mindset. They are the building blocks that we use to create our day to day reality.

Language such as “can’t”, “should/shouldn’t”, “ought to”, “have to”, etc. are indications that we have fallen into Victim, Perpetrator, or Rescuer mode.

When you’re using words to conceal your true needs or desires, you’re in the Drama Triangle. The same thing goes when you’re withholding communication out of fear of others’ reactions.

In every moment, we have the choice to look for what’s working well or to focus on what’s missing or lacking. One thought pathway leads to freedom and personal responsibility; the other to a mindset of lack and blame.

The words you use will clue you into which way you’re headed.

3. You are responsible for guarding your own energy

You have a built-in guidance system that always lets you know when something or someone is negatively affecting your energy. This internal GPS speaks to you in the language of your emotions.

The moment you begin to feel stressed out, annoyed or defensive, give yourself permission to disengage. Your emotional guidance system will alert you as to whether you are heading down a path of empowerment or one of bondage.

Remember, the Drama Triangle is a manipulation dynamic that feeds on itself. If you don’t play the role you’re being assigned, you starve it of the fuel it needs to survive, leading you to the healthy relationship you deserve.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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Cherie – Chapter 59 – I’ll Wait – Part 1

As promised, Cherie and I coordinated a Saturday to spend some time together on Saturday. If you’ve been following this series you’ll know we both have very busy schedules.

Normally if there’s been a long gap of time where we haven’t seen each other, Cherie gets a little withdrawn. It’s a coping mechanism to protect her heart.

But I saw her a few weeks ago, and sent her a lovely bouquet of flowers for Valentine’s Day last week. So she seemed very happy about that.

Around 1pm she texts me that she’s parking her car at 16th and Fitzwater. I tell her I’ll start walking towards her.

It’s a rainy day so I take my umbrella. I round the corner on 16th street and head south. I walk about a block when I see her. She looks great as usual and I’m happy to see her and her big blue umbrella.

We walk together and chat. We get to my street and she asks, “What are we doing?”

“I’m taking you out to brunch.”

“Okay. Because I have to go to the bathroom.”

“No worries. A few blocks up here is the Sofitel Hotel. Best bathrooms in the city.”

“I don’t need to go any place fancy, I just need to go when we get to the restaurant.”

She seems quiet and guarded.

“Are you okay?”

“Yea, fine. My stomach’s been bothering me. The usual stuff. I’ll be alright.”

Maybe that’s why she’s being quiet. She drove all the way down here and she’s not feeling 100%.

“Are the flowers I sent you still alive?”

“Oh, they came and looked like they were already dying.”

“What?”

“Yea, they were looking wilted.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t want you to be upset.”

“Aww honey, I’m sorry. I had no idea.”

“Well, I contacted Pro Flowers and told them what happened and they brought me a new bouquet last Tuesday.”

“Oh. Great work. They were better?”

“Not much. But it was the thought and what you wrote in the card to me that made me so happy, not the flowers.”

“I may call and discuss this with them. Thanks for telling me, dear.”

We get to Marathon at 16th and Sansom and we look in the door and it’s packed. We head over to Square 1682 on 17th St. Not crowded.

The hostess takes us to a nice table for two by the window. Perfect.

I’m doing my nervous talking thing and Cherie is just being kind of quiet. I try not to say anything to crazy or sexual, because even though Cherie is a very sexual woman, she feels it’s improper to discuss bedroom activities in public.

I respect that. But sometimes because I love her I get worked up and something inappropriate slips out. She’s roll her eyes and just says, “Stop!”

She’s not angry, but she doesn’t like it. So I try to keep things light and focused.

Our server comes by. A very sweet ginger kid who I’ve never seen before. He pours us some waters and I chat with him.

“This is where we first met. Honey, do you mind if I tell the story?”

Cherie smiles and waves me on.

“It was a day like today. Rainy. She was 40 minutes late. But… She drove all the way down from Pottstown, doesn’t know the city, and struggled to find parking. Keto the chef held brunch out for me and extra 10 minutes, and she made it! We walked around the Square and shared an umbrella. So romantic. Then I took her to Barnes and Noble across the street and we had coffee. It was a lovely first date, and now here we are a year and 4 months later still going strong.”

She has the salmon salad. (Exact same thing on our first date!) I went with the fluffy French toast.

Lunch was great and I think she was feeling a bit better because she was eating something healthy. She still didn’t seem herself. I thought about because of the rain and the umbrella we didn’t embrace or even kiss when we saw each other today. Something’s off. Maybe it’s just her health and stress.

We’re near the end of our meal when the waiter, (Brian) returns with two flutes of champagne. I guess my story really touched him. I’m surprised and delighted. We toast and both take a sip. It’s all about the clink. Cherie is not really a drinker and has to drive back to Pottstown later. So a sip is all she really takes. I don’t mind. I’m just happy to be here sort of celebrating our 16 month anniversary at the first place we ever met.

I pay the bill and thank Brian and we head back to the apartment. Cherie is still quiet and guarded.  It’s okay. She’s suffering from stress, and stomach disorders beyond my control.

 

 

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4 Little Things That Make Her Feel Loved and Appreciated

Relationships can seem challenging once the honeymoon phase gets over. You may feel you need to invest a lot of time and effort to maintain a romantic connection. But keeping the spark alive doesn’t have to be so hard. All it needs are a few little things to make your partner feel appreciated.

Here are ways to make your partner feel appreciated:

1) Ask if she feels appreciated.

This is number one on the list for a reason. Research on divorce indicates that when men are asked about marital satisfaction they rate the quality of their relationship much higher than their spouses. This may be the reason many men are surprised when their spouses walk out or ask for a divorce. There is a disconnect between men and woman and marital satisfaction. Why? It may be due to different needs and expectations as to what the relationship is supposed to offer and provide.

The best way to be proactive in this department is to ask, rather than assume, all is well. If she says she is feeling appreciated – great. Keep doing what works. On the other hand, if she says no – red flag. This is your opportunity to ask what is missing and see what you can do to change the situation.

2) Ask how she is doing.

This sounds like such an obvious one. Don’t we all ask how the other person is doing when we meet after work? The problem is not that we don’t ask, but that we don’t listen. Why? Because we are tired. It is always the same answer. We are focused on our problems. When you arrive home you may just want a drink and have no patience to listen to how her day went.

Here’s a little trick to prepare yourself for this encounter.

  • Don’t come straight home from work.
  • Take a few minutes to go for a short walk, listen to music in the driveway, meditate, whatever.
  • Just take some time for yourself to shed the stress of the day before you walk into the house.

This will put you into a better frame of mind and make listening much easier. It may also change how you reflect on the day as well.

3) Listen.

I don’t mean to listen while watching TV or using your computer. I mean that you stop everything and turn your focus towards your partner. Look her in the eyes and let her know that you are listening. This is a powerful action to take and can dramatically affect, not only the immediate situation but your entire relationship.

So many couples complain to me about how their partner does not listen to them. Everyone wants to be heard, truly listened to, and understood. That is one way we feel connected. It is also an act of intimacy. If you have heard your partner say that she wants more intimacy (and you know it is not sex he/she is talking about), take the time to listen. When you do this she will feel valued, appreciated and respected. Which leads me to the next item . . .

4) Respect.

Gottman, in his research, talks about the importance of respect in a relationship. It is so important that he can predict with a high degree of accuracy if a relationship will succeed or not based on the level of respect between the partners. Low respect by one partner towards another is a high predictor of relationship failure.

Respect, or lack thereof, can creep into a relationship over time. We take the person for granted, we are in a foul mood and take it out on our partner, or we are having issues in the relationship, and we are nasty fighters.

If we are not careful, we may initiate a pattern of disrespect for the person we say we love the most. If you find yourself in this situation an immediate response is required. It may be a long talk with your partner to discuss your behavior and desire to change. It may be a trip to the marriage counselor or religious leader. Whatever you decide, prompt action will be required because a loss of respect doesn’t get better on its own.

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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