What Should You Do When You Hook Up With A Friend’s Ex? Experts Say It Can Get Messy

Call it “Friend Code” or whatever else fits your fancy — it seems like there’s an unwritten law about staying away from your friend’s exes. Of course, sometimes, life just happens, and people fall for each other. Whether you’ve been in love with someone for a while or got caught up in the heat of a moment, knowing what you should do when you hook up with a friend’s ex can help you navigate an innately messy situation a little more mindfully.

“There’s no one way to handle this. It really depends on the people, personalities, and feelings involved,” dating coach and dating app expert Meredith Golden tells Elite Daily. “No one likes to hurt someone’s feelings, and no one likes having their feelings hurt or feeling betrayed [by a friend].”

As Meredith shares, the first step in moving forward can be thinking about the relationship your friend had with their ex. Did they go on a couple of awkward dates and realize they were better off as friends? Did they seriously date for three years until your friend caught the ex cheating? Knowing how serious the relationship was, and moreover, how it affected your friend can help you move forward in the most compassionate way possible.

Woman hugging her depressed friend at home, closeup. Young girl supporting her crying girlfriend. Friendship consoling and care, copy space
Shutterstock

“If you hooked up with your college roommate’s boyfriend from seventh grade, this probably isn’t going to cause heartbreak,” Golden says. “If you hooked with [your best friend’s] first love, this is a very different scenario.”

If your friend dated the ex a while ago or they’re clearly over the breakup, they may be able to move on with ease. However, if the ex really hurt your friend or it’s clear your friend is still in love with them, coming clean about the hookup may take a lot of time and care.

“It comes down to righting a wrong, so to speak,” Golden says. “Put yourself in your friend’s shoes.” You know your friend, and you know the best ways to communicate with them. Whether you ask your friend to talk in person or give them a phone call, Golden shares to think about how you would feel if your friend hooked up with your ex.

In addition to thinking about your friend’s relationship with their ex, Golden suggests considering the nature of your relationship with your friend. “It also depends on how close the friendship is,” Golden says. “If it’s someone who you were once really close with but now only talk to once a year, this is different than your [current] ride-or-die friendship.” If you and your friend aren’t super close, or if you haven’t talked in a while, chances are you’ll address the hookup differently than you would with your all-time BFF. While there’s no cut-and-dry answer for how to move forward, Golden emphasizes being as empathetic as possible.

Golden also shares that it can be helpful to think of your intentions with the hookup. Was it a late-night, one-time thing that is never going to happen again? Have you secretly been in love with the ex the whole time and waiting for this to happen?

Thinking about where you and the ex stand after the hookup can help you get through the awkwardness. “Would your friend want to know?” Golden says. “This should guide the aftermath.” If you kissed your friend’s ex because it was Mardi Gras, and it honestly didn’t mean anything, and you’re literally never going to see them again, it may be easier to forget the hookup ever happened. Of course, if you’re starting to have feelings for a friend’s ex or you want to make the hookup a relationship, it may be helpful to talk to them about it before anything more happens.

“The right thing to do would be to discuss this thoroughly with your friend,” Trina Leckie, host of the Breakup BOOST podcast, tells Elite Daily. “If you care about your friendship, you will respect your friend and their feelings.”

Shot of pretty young woman supporting and comforting her sad friend while sitting on the sofa at home.
Shutterstock

Leckie adds that if your friend didn’t have strong feelings for their ex or dated the ex a long time ago, they might be totally OK with you shooting your shot. “The only way this would be acceptable is if your friend actually encouraged you to do this before you took the step to get involved with them on any level,” Leckie says. “But it absolutely needs to be ‘approved’ by your friend in advance.” While you can do whatever feels right for you and your love life, if maintaining your friendship is important to you, it’s essential to keep your friend in the loop.

Listen, your love life is yours. You get to decide who you hook up with, along with where, when, and how. While no one is allowed to make you feel judged or ashamed for consensually hooking up with another adult, if you got frisky with your friend’s ex, putting yourself in their shoes may help you all move forward.

 

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48 Women Share Things Men Write On Their Dating Profiles That Are Instant Deal-Breakers

Consider this an unapologetically brutal crash course in how NOT to carry yourself on dating apps.

    • 1
      Face - Chlaramydia, 21 Aidy, 26 less than a kilometer away less than a kilometer away

  • 2
    Text - Picture of guy flipping off the camera "Swipe left if..." The use of words or phrases that imply a lot of previous drama (petty, sick of games, etc) "I never message first..." Guys who throw themselves a pity party in their bio/obviously have no self confidence

  • 3
    Text - "Is every woman on here shallow? Prove me wrong!" "Just a super nice guy looking for his one true love" Or if they write an entire profile full of spelling mistakes. "I'm hear 4 a good tiem, hmu"

  • 4
    Cheezburger Image 9055564544

  • 5
    Text - "I'm probably more awesome than you." A friend wanted to know why he was never getting girls. This was on his page. I told him if I saw this I'd see it as a major red flag and indication of negging to come.

  • 6
    Cheezburger Image 9055565056

  • 7
    Text - pictures of your children or even worse, someone else's kids. I get it that people want to be upfront about having kids, but I find it extremely weird that people post pictures of their children on dating sites. And other peoples kids? Even weirder and much more creepy. Just don't...we can read from your ile if you have kids or not.

  • 8
    Text - Of course this doesn't just go for guys - but people in general. Saying, "I'm funny, nice, motivated", etc., is a huge turn off. Instead, say something funny in your profile, make yourself come off nice - don't self proclaim yourself positive adjectives - let others be the judge of that. That's not humble, 'nice', or funny. There's a lot of that in profiles around my area.

  • 9
    Text - A list of NO NO fatties NO feminists No uglies NO asians NO tattoos NO piercings NO trannies NO Cool. Coolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcool. Clearly you're a catch. Gonna move on and faaaar away And the ones who brag about alpha male red pill meninist bull. Hello red flag! Not written but when the only pictures are blurry shots of multiple men drinking beer? Nope

  • 10
    Text - Complaining about having gone on dates with women who didn't "look as good" as their profile pictures, or demanding proof that profile pictures are up-to-date or pictures are not taken by a professional photographer. Basically being presumptuous /bitter/ accusatory that women misrepresent themselves in their profiles, which wastes his time. So entitled and dehumanizing! Yet surprisingly common.

  • 11
    Text - The use of emojis in the profile or conversation. "Just a super down to guy..." "I don't really read much because I'm so busy at the gym....does men's fitness count? Lol" "Looking for a step mom for my kids." "Suuuuuuuuper sarcastic so if you don't get my humor, oh well." The worst is if we ever get to the point of talking and my military career comes up - "oh yeah? I wanted to join the army, but I would punch a guy if he started yelling at me like they do." No, ass hat, you wouldn't. You

  • 12
    Text - "I'm a King looking for my Queen." Run. Do not walk. Run, from profiles that have this line or some version of this.

  • 13
    Text - School of Hard Knocks (just sounds like zero education for me), General Manager at "None of your Business".... just leave them blank Partner in crime, Tinderella, Unicorn (or any of the other tired phrases) Smoking in your pictures. One single picture, or super low quality, unflattering pictures... or several pictures that aren't you (like your food, memes, making fun of sports teams/politicians.... your vehicle... scenery) 420 friendly (I don't care if you smoke, but if you have 10 words

  • 14
    Text - Not a woman but I'm sure this one isn't gender exclusive. "I love to laugh." No shit? Bumme... I was really hoping to find my female Ben Stein. It's like saying "I'm a nice guy." If you can't think of enough about yourself that you feel the need to point out something you share with literally 99.9% of humanity you're probably REALLY boring.

  • 15
    Text - Once had some guy message me. Checked his profile and it was a lot of ranting about how women never give him a chance, are all sluts looking to date assholes, etc. A couple of his profile pictures contained pictures of him showing off various weapons. reply

  • 16
    Text - Men of Reddit, how many of you deleted your shirtless selfies and fixed the "your"s in your profile after reading this thread?

  • 17
    Text - Honestly I saw this once: God and Jesus are my life. Looking for my future helpmeet. If you think you're strong and independent, keep moving. Women like that will never submit to their godly husbands as the Bible commands. And on the other end of the spectrum, some guy messaged me to tell me that he WOULD carry on a conversation with me but my belief in a higher power shows a lack of intelligence on a deep level that "can't be fixed." Then why the FUCK would you message me at all??

  • 18
    Text - One guy who once copy-pasted the same creepy message (don't remember the contents as this was many years ago) to me and a friend complained about "high standards bitches" on his profile He didn't like me calling out his copypaste thing so he called me "another high standards bitch." General life pro tip, don't refer to women by derogatory names on a dating site profile.

  • 19
    Text - Making an inappropriate joke about my race on their profile/to me. Examples: "Praising the 'asain!. " "Darker the berry the sweeter the juice. "[A]sian persuasion " (<one i recieved yesterday on okcupid) no, please. no

  • 20
    Text - "I just want someone who can hold an intelligent conversation." Every single guy I've come across that says this usually means "I want to talk about things I'm interested in and nothing else."

  • 21
    Text - Anything along the lines of "just tired of games" or "looking for someone who is real" You sound like a whiney person who has some serious baggage.

  • 22
    Text - "over 6' since apparently that fucking matters" "Just in town for x days" "Tacos and beer and whiskey" Emoji lists Pointing out that you're into fitness as if I couldn't tell by the fact that all your photos are gym selfies

  • 23
    Text - I once saw a profile where the dude literally threatened to find you online and post all the raunchy selfies you shared with him if things went sour. Like seriously? Who exactly is your target audience? But mostly it's just blank profiles. I always skip them

  • 24
    Text - For me it was when they said yes to "drinks often" I always wanted and alcoholic. also never messaged anyone back who posted pictures of their kids on their profile. I am proud of mine and I love him but I would never put his picture on my page. Hell, no one even got to meet him until weeks or months in. Those sites are for adults and believe me, there are a lot of weirdos. Keep your kids pics private.

  • 25
    Text - "No fatties" I have no issue with peoples personal preference but that is just rude. If you are uninterested in overweight people just don't talk or engage with those people

  • 26
    Text - Maybe it's because of my advanced age (late 30's), but MOST of the men wait until we are on our first date before admitting that they are actually older than what they stated on their profile. I even state CLEARLY on my profile for men to not message me if they are lying about their age. Don't waste our time. Sheesh

  • 27
    Text - Late to the party but I have seen SO many guys put things like "RIP Grandma 6.2.17" Yes, Tinder is totally the place to remember your deceased grandmother.

  • 28
    Text - "Djrtjenfrognsskganfkdsnfsjdkfbdnd" I'll fill that bit in later. (never does) "Nobody ever reads this part" "Loves to go out partying every weekend with the boys" Any topless picture, bad spelling, bad grammar, text talk, complaining about what kind of woman he doesn't want, pictures of his car, pictures of a random expensive item of clothing, pictures of himself at the gym" "Wants to date but nothing serious"

  • 29
    Text - "Not into weird stuff" Probably most definitely is into weird stuff.

  • 30
    Text - I'm a happily married woman but reading this treasure trove of horror stories makes my husband and me want to create a dummy profile just to look through all this. At the same time, I'm terrified of who I know that we'd see.

  • 31
    Text - Bad grammar. OMG. Put your best foot forward. Not you're

  • 32
    Text - This is what happens when you've been together too long... I asked my wife what I could put on my dating profile that would make her not want to date me. She put down her book, lowered her reading glasses, looked me straight in the eye and said "Stop surfing reddit and take out the damn garbage!"

  • 33
    Text - After reading this: I found out I'm doing a pretty good job with my dating profile and I do the conversation thing pretty well too. It's too bad I'm ugly EDIT: THANK YOU FOR THE GOLD, KIND STRANGER! First time ever!

  • 34
    Text - For pictures: When all of your tinder pictures are with other girls or poor attempts to crop your ex out. Edit: I'm taking about every single photo here people.... Either A) you have no good pictures of yourself without your ex. (Which is a frequent case unfortunately) B) you are trying to portray yourself as being able to get a lot of girls, so you deliberately post pictures of yourself with only groups of girls.

  • 35
    Text - "Fluent in sarcasm." I think this one's unisex Translation-- I'm not funny, but I've convinced myself that the reason nobody laughs at my jokes is that they're just too intellectual and edgy for a mainstream audience. I'm also put off by a huge wall of "favorites." Maybe this isn't as much of an issue in the Tinder age (I've been out of the game for a couple of years) but I used to see a ton of guys who would list, like, two hundred favorite movies or bands. It's a good sign that he's goi

  • 36
    Text - I'm most turned off by men that have a very specific set of "rules" or "priorities". It makes it sound like they're saying "this is the space in my life that you are expected to fill, don't deviate from this" I was most attracted to a man that had a profile that described himself humbly and with humour. I was also very drawn to the profile picture with a big friendly smile. It felt like he was showing me his authentic self. Getting married next year. :)

  • 37
    Text - Really any list of people you don't want to date. It just makes you look like an asshole...just filter out who you don't want. Admittedly I haven't been single in two years so I'm not sure if men are still doing that, but if they are, stop it.

  • 38
    Text - The shirtless pic of you in your bathroom mirror. The group picture with no indication of who you are I'll assume you are the least attractive person in that picture and you are trying to use your more attractive friends to get me to click on your profile (frequently that seems to be the case). That irritates me since it feels like you are trying to pull a bait and switch edit: So apparently the group thing is something women are also guilty of. I'm sure it is irritating regardless of gen

  • 39
    Text - Okay I haven't seen this yet but when guys take a picture of themselves where the camera is angled UP at their face from their lap...?? Nothing is more unattractive than a guys sudden double chin and uninterested glare, it's the worst angle for anyone! It's the same look women get if they look up while giving a blow job. It's not the best way to show off your face, guys.

  • 40
    Text - Personally, I can't stand the "Bet $20 you swiped left" or "What's the point, you'll swipe left anyway" I will not end up pity swiping right or because I want to prove you wrong. And anything about dogs always being "number one" or "must love dogs" is so overused it seems pretentious. Jokes on them because cats are the true overlords anyway.

  • 41
    Text - I think it's hilarious that 40+ guys are reporting they don't have kids but want them in the future. They clearly are interested in women that are 10 years their junior. Swipe left I also read.... "no drama" it leads me to believe if you have to state you don't want drama your life is already filled with it. Swipe left. When did so many men become near professional athletes? So many talented mountain bikers, triathletes, yogis, extreme marathoner, ski, hike etc. I get tired just reading t

  • 42
    Text - About me: "Just ask" Likes: "Idk, lots of stuff lol" Either that, or "I'm a true gentleman just looking for a real lady." Self-proclaimed gentleman are usually damaged, doormats, or wish reality was like TV-1950s. But the worst - the actual worst - only reveal themselves after you start messaging. The ones who make you carry the whole conversation. They never ask questions, even when they were the ones who initiated, and they give one-sentence answers. The worst.

  • 43
    Text - Blank profiles. Profiles that make it clear you are deeply full of yourself. Ones with shirtless mirror photos. Edit: Wow. First comment over 10k upvotes Thanks, all!

  • 44
    Text - Complaining about exes on the profile is a big deal breaker for me.

  • 45
    Text - god family ball grind gains goals hmu) for you geezers... hmu stands for "hit me up"

  • 46
    Text - Bad grammar. Saying you like to party as if that's your favourite hobby. That weird review thing they do like "best guy ever - the times" or something.

  • 47
    Text - "Get at me!" "Just chillin hmu" A list of emojis I'm supposed to decipher that explain who you are "420 is my middle name" (not against it, just don't care for it IMO) "I'm really 19 not sure why it says 26 haha )" Edit: Oh, and I just saw one that simply says, "My dick is 9" l'll prove it ;)"

  • 48
    Text - Anything that insinuates you're too good to be on [insert dating site here]. If you were really too good for Tinder, you wouldn't be on Tinder.

  • 49
    Text - Not on the profile, but when they msg you out of nowhere and the first thing they say is sexual. I legitimately had a guy msg me, "I want to shoot in your mouth" as a first msg Never saw or heard from the guy before and THAT'S how he thinks it would be appropriate to start a conversation. I mean really. Edit: this did not happen on tinder

 

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Cherie – Chapter 63 – I’m Kind Of Mad

“So I’m kind of mad.”

“What happened?”

“I’m horny and angry because I can’t have any.”

“I think it’s good you’re horny again.”

This is the nymphomaniac girlfriend that had hit the kill switch a month ago.

“Well I’m mad.”

“I love you no matter what.”

“I know. I love you too.”

The day passes, She sends me and emoji of a girl humping a rock.

“That rocks!”

“Me… all day.”

“Aww! You need to take care of that, dear!”

“No. You do.”

“I promise I will, sweetheart.”

“I can’t wait. It’s too long and my hormones are raging.”

“It’s been pretty sudden. What brought back your sex drive?”

“I’m horny. I don’t have time for games.”

I don’t know what this means and she hasn’t answered my question.

“But what brought back your drive?”

“I’m off my period and I’m horny. I need to feel you inside of me.”

This is all wonderful news to me but she’s been chilly to me last weekend. I need to pay close attention to her cycle. She gets moody, gets her period, is chilly and then changes back into the woman I fell in love with a year and a half ago.

“I love it! My girlfriend!”

I love the nympho Cherie with the insatiable lust for sex.

“The suspense is killing me. This is my problem. I need it all the time.”

She’s back. Cherie the sexual animal has somehow returned. Problem is the beast returns and I won’t be able to see her and be with her to satisfy her lust for two weeks. I kind of don’t like that she does this a lot. She puts me off and then I get all of these super horny texts how she can’t live without sex and we’re two weeks out of any feasible contact.

It’s like she’s not thinking any of it through, but…. She’s a great girl and I love her so I’ll put up with whatever she’s going through.

But the crazy horny texts become tiresome when you know it is crystal clear that there is nothing I can do to satisfy her lust in this moment.

Why would you lay all of that sex on your man 40 miles away when you know there is absolutely NOTHING he can do about it?

She does this all of the time. It just makes me feel bad I can’t bang the frustration out of her and give her what her mind and body SO desires.

I know… you’re reading this and you’re all probably like: “Oh, this middle aged fucker with is sexual problems with his hot, fit, smart 28 year old girlfriend that he can’t get to out of distance. If I could have such problems.”

Cherie’s been distant and things are not completely even right now, but we’re fine.

But it actually makes me feel bad when her young libido kicks in and there is NOTHING I can do to help her with her plight. It sometimes almost feels a little bit selfish to tell me she needs me and she’s so suddenly so super horny and we are 10 days out of seeing each other.

But again… I look at guys my age and they don’t have these problems. So I will navigate this for the blog and because of who I am.

I’m blessed and so grateful to have sweet Cherie in my life.

“You’re an amazing girl! Perfect!

“No.”

“Well, I love you”

“I love you too, but I’m fucking horny.”

What 55 year old man wouldn’t love this from his 28 year old girlfriend? But there’s nothing I can do. Time, schedules and geography keep us apart. I have a clear understanding of all of this. She is simply torturing me and doesn’t even realize it. She’s simply being honest and raw in her emotions. I love her so much, and admire her raw response, but there’s nothing I can do to satiate her.

“I’ll take care of you.”

“But you can’t now.”

“I’m sorry honey.”

“I need to fuck so bad.”

This is coming from the girl I took to the movies on Saturday and was frosty to me for the second time.

“What are you going to do until he next time we meet on the 24th?”

“Cry.”

That’s killing me a little bit because I know Cherie’s back and she’s still a prisoner to her sex drive. I just need to channel her and please her. That’s all I can think of to do.

I take a risk.

“You should have last Saturday. You know I don’t mind swimming in the water during Shark Week.” (She was on her period so we went to the movies. Her idea, not mine. I like it all no matter how messy. I’ve seen it and done it all.)

“I didn’t want to and gross… I need it now.”

“I don’t know what to do Cherie. If you have any ideas, let me know how it can happen sooner than the 24th.”

She sends me a sad emoji. I decide to let her have it.

“What can I do??? You’re cold to me and then 2 days later you’re super horny and there’s nothing I can do but feel bad about it.”

I needed to draw the line. She’s done this shit before.

Cherie: “I’ve jerked off everyday since thinking about having sex with you. I can’t cum. Well, I can’t hit my climax.”

Okay. At this point she’s totally forgiven because this is my nyphomaniac girlfriend completely back. She’s ignored my admonishment and has responded with her brazen hoensty about how she is absolutely insatiable to be with me. My God. I love this girl and her devotion. She is completely devoured with thoughts of sex with me. I couldn’t pay someone to give me this at my age. All is forgiven. I am one lucky man.

“I feel sad, Cherie. I wish I could help you, Cherie.” (weak)

“I love you too!”

“If you can get down here before the 24th I’ll make that happen.”

She’s gone from the frigid girlfriend to the wanton animal. (I do love all of this thrust and parry)

“I’ll try to get down to Philly.”

Me: Heart emoji (weak)

“I need to fuck you so bad. I need to feel you inside me.”

“I’ll give you my best, love.”

“Promise.”

“I promise.”

“Ok.”

 

And it ends there for the night. It’s been a fascinating journey in this relationship. I love Cherie. She’s been the perfect girlfriend for me. Young, fit, smart, sexual athlete, and doesn’t want any more kids and most of all…hardly around.

I like to work and be busy and love my alone time. Cherie fits the bill for the perfect girlfriend for me.

But will I be able to sustain this?

I think I can. This love affair is unlike any I’ve ever known and Cherie is maybe the best woman I’ve ever met. There is a simplicity and calm in our life together. She has a complicated and busy life that is full of school, work and child rearing.

I, on the other hand have a simple singular life filled with work, social life and creativity.

Could Cherie and I ultimately work as a couple? No idea. I would probably stop smoking and drinking. That could be hard, but at my age I should probably give that shit up anyway and it wouldn’t be too difficult.

Cherie has such a good heart and has her education firmly ensconced along with her foothold at CHOP. She has a great future ahead of her. If she can pull it off and become a doctor she’ll live her dream.

What if I’m the one guy she met that was sweet to her and really loved her? I treated her well for years and she and I could be a couple? What if I finally met my soul mate? What if that happens?

There was that one time in Rittenhouse we were walking. She was wearing that outfit and she was half-naked. Back out. Sweet luscious legs out.

I looked at her and thought:

Wife.

Okay… Lets see what happens on the 24th.

 

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9 Mantras To Recite After Calling Off An Engagement As You Move On

Whether you’ve been thinking about walking away from your relationship for a while or you just realized you were meant to be with someone else, ending a long-term commitment to someone is difficult. And in the heat of all the stress and confusion, knowing some empowering mantras to recite after calling off an engagement can help you feel strong and stable as you start to move forward.

No matter who you are, if you realize that you’re not ready to get married, it’s always OK to take a step back to re-evaluate. At any stage of a romantic relationship, it’s important to listen to your heart and do what’s right for you. From taking some time away from your partner to discussing what you want your future to look like, your life is yours, and you get to decide the actions you take moving forward. While it may initially feel intimidating to take the next steps, if you don’t want to get married, following your truth can help you live a fuller and happier life.

If you’ve recently broken off your engagement and you’re feeling a little overwhelmed, these nine mantras can help you find clarity as you move on.

Portrait of beautiful young woman walking with umbrella under rain,raincoat
Shutterstock

1. I’m doing what’s right for me in this moment.

If you start second-guessing yourself or you’re wondering if you did something wrong, remember that you are doing what’s right for you at this very moment. Things may change in the future, and if that happens, you’ll be ready for it. Prioritizing your mental health and happiness can be a really good thing.

2. It’s OK if someone doesn’t understand why I’m doing this.

You don’t need to validate or justify your choices to your ex-fiancé’s sister’s boyfriend, your old college roommate, or whoever the heck else. You know what’s right for you, and that’s all that matters. Not everyone is going to understand your actions, and honestly, not everyone needs to.

3. I will not feel ashamed for following my heart.

While it may feel painful in the moment, taking steps to live your truth is honestly something to celebrate. This isn’t anyone’s “fault,” and you don’t need to blame yourself for calling it off. You never need to feel ashamed about doing what’s right for you.

4. I will only share what I feel comfortable sharing.

People may have a million questions about what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. Though you may want to discuss some of your feelings or actions with your loved ones, you certainly don’t owe anyone an explanation. No one is entitled to hearing all the details of your personal life. You can decide how much you want to share with whom, and how you go about sharing.

woman walking in the garden
Shutterstock

5. I will grow as I go.

You don’t know all the answers and you don’t need to know all the answers. You will figure it out as you go along. You will grow through this whole process. And you will listen to your intuition and do what feels right for you.

6. Healing looks different for everyone.

You get to process and heal in your own way and on your own timeline. Whether you need to get away for a while or want to spend time with friends and family, you get to decide what moving on looks like and how it happens. Healing looks different for everyone, and you get to follow your own heart.

7. I’m proud of myself for speaking my truth.

Following your heart and living your truth doesn’t make you a “bad person.” It makes you a brave person, and you should be proud of yourself for being true to who you are.

8. I deserve to be happy and fulfilled.

You deserve to feel happy, loved, and supported. You deserve to have the types of relationships that you want to be in. And in time, you will find everything that you’re looking for.

9. It’s going to be OK.

You are going to survive, you are going to get through it, and you are going to figure out what the best next steps are for you. While it may sound simple, reminding yourself that you are going to be OK can be incredibly affirming.

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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Oh Crap, Now We Have To Worry About Being ‘Soft Ghosted’

Just when you got used to the cruel, crushing experience of being ghosted, there’s a new flippant, vaguely awful dating behavior to get used to: soft ghosting.

What fresh hell is this, you ask? Soft ghosting is essentially when someone “likes” your last message but never actually says anything. Technically, they did respond so they can maintain plausible deniability that they’ve ghosted you.

Overheard LA is seemingly the first source to call a thing a thing with this one.

** Check out our Story on @overhearduber for a chance to win a $250 uber gift card. Funniest submission wins Two Guys. West Hollywood. ‍♂️ Overheard by @bunnylikearabbit #softghosted #overheardla

Soft ghosting is basically ghosting with a thin veil of nicety. It’s texting purgatory, whereas hardline, original-recipe ghosting is just hell.

In action, it might look something like this. This poor fool (OK, it’s just me pretending to get soft ghosted with my sister’s help) had no idea that a double tap was the textual kiss of death.

Admittedly, this is a small potatoes problem. But our behavioral patterns are worth a little introspection sometimes. What compels us to play exhausting games like this when we could just own up to our disinterest?

“The simple answer is, we are animals designed to seek pleasure and avoid pain,” said Chantal Heide, a dating coach who’s based in Waterloo, Ontario. “I see this kind of communication all the time with my clients. Today’s communication has changed quite a bit as we try to balance phone life and real life.”

Everything is fast-paced these days, including our versions of rejection. Soft ghosting, any any stage of dating, is an easy out. That little thumbs-up softens the blow of the inevitable slow fade out. (While also leaving the door slightly ajar if you ever want to pop back in ― it’s a clever strategy, you have to admit.)

Soft ghosting doesn’t exclusively apply to romantic interests, of course. You can soft ghost anyone: your friends, your happy-hour-loving co-worker, your acquaintances.

Maybe your college roommate texts you: “I haven’t seen you in forever, let’s get together soon!” You, not wanting to do anything of the sort, come in quick with a double tap. Follow that up with deafening silence and you’ve effectively communicated, “Eh, hard no.”

Naturally, the sting of the soft ghost is worse when it’s a dating scenario.

In her dating life, Kandie Joseph, a blogger who runs the site Think Like Kandie, has been soft ghoster and the soft ghostee. (She, like Joni Mitchell, has seen both sides now, but instead of clouds and “dreams and schemes and circus crowds,” sub in deadbeat dates.)

“Once, I was talking to a guy who I felt wasn’t forward enough for me and didn’t initiate enough,” she told HuffPost. “He kept asking me where I wanted to go but at some point, I just wanted him to decide. He finally asked, ‘How about Starbucks?’ Instead of saying yes or no, I just ‘liked’ it. I thought it was better than insulting him with a ‘no.’”

I’ve soft ghosted and I’ve had it happen to me, too. It may be the nicest alternative, it may be the weak man’s out, but in my opinion it’s always clear as hell what they mean. Ariana Wist, a graphic designer in New York

When she was soft ghostee, she was chatting in-app with a Tinder match. (They hadn’t taken the conversation to text, so it was a low-level investment.)

“He was a really cool guy and it turned into a pretty deep conversation on the meaning of life, but then he ‘liked’ my comment and never replied,” Joseph said, laughing at the memory. “I got the hint!”

Modern dating can be crazy-making. To get through it, you have to learn to take no for an answer and no answer as an answer, said Ariana Wist, a single graphic designer in New York.

“I’ve soft ghosted and I’ve had it happen to me, too,” she said. “It may be the nicest alternative, it may be the weak man’s out, but in my opinion it’s always clear as hell what they mean.”

Here’s how to stop being a ghoster, soft or otherwise (and how to not take it so hard when you’re the ghostee).

The first step to disabuse yourself of your ghosting ways is to admit there’s a problem.

It might be a built-in behavioral pattern for you. A 2012 study published in the Journal of Research in Personality suggested that people tend to default to a few strategies when ending things.

“Open confrontation” is when partners are more or less transparent about their feelings and end things out in the open.

Others use the “cost escalation” strategy. “That would be like essentially making the relationship so terrible that your partner decides to get out,” Tara Collins, the psychology professor who wrote the paper, told Science Daily.

Then there are those who opt for an “avoidance” strategy. These people taper off contact, dodge requests to meet up and disclose very little about their personal life. (“Wyd?” None of your business!)

Soft ghosters clearly aren’t as cold or calculated as the cost escalation folks ― a double tap is actually kind of polite ― but their behavior lines up pretty neatly with the “avoidance” description.

Ultimately, the trepidation associated with telling the truth is understandable. But there’s something liberating, even refreshing, about being honest in a world of ghosts. (Or at the very least, telling a kind lie: “I loved getting to know you but I’m realizing I’m not in the right headspace to date rn. Will text if things change!”) Do that and you’re pretty much above reproach, Heide, the dating coach, told us.

“You might even sprinkle in a little about what’s positive about the other person,” she said. “And you should feel free to block anyone who isn’t taking the truth with grace.”

If you’re shaken over getting soft ghosted, try to take it in stride. Certainly in the moment, don’t jump to conclusions; give the other person some time to reply. Yes, we have the ability to communicate all the time, but that doesn’t mean we’re available all the time.

Maybe even ask yourself if you’re peeved out of a sense of entitlement.

“Singles sometimes feel a loneliness void that they fill by seeking validation from other people,” Heide said. “That can go wrong or turn to anger when that validation isn’t turning into the instant gratification we’re conditioned to expect with texting.”

Sure, it would be great if your date was into radical honesty, told you how they feel and didn’t waste your time. But at the end of the day, this person owes you nothing, especially after a date or two. No one “likes” to be passed over, but keep your head up; there are plenty of non-ghosting fish in the sea.

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Tales of Rock: Suzi Quatro

The Queen of Rock n’ Roll

Susan Kay Quatro (born June 3, 1950) is an American rock singer-songwriter, multi-instrumentalist and actress. She was the first female bass player to become a major rock star.[2]:1–3[3]

In the 1970s, Quatro scored a string of hit singles that found greater success in Europe and Australia than in her homeland. She reached no. 1 in the UK and other European countries and Australia with her singles “Can the Can” (1973) and “Devil Gate Drive” (1974). Following a recurring role as bass player Leather Tuscadero on the popular American sitcom Happy Days, her duet “Stumblin’ In” with Smokie’s lead singer Chris Norman reached No. 4 in the US.

Quatro released her eponymous debut album in 1973. Since then, she has released fifteen studio albums, ten compilation albums, and one live album. Her other solo hits include “48 Crash”, “Daytona Demon”, “The Wild One”, and “Your Mama Won’t Like Me”.

Between 1973 and 1980, Quatro was awarded six Bravo Ottos. In 2010, she was voted into the Michigan Rock and Roll Legends online Hall of Fame. Quatro has sold over 50 million albums[4] and continues to perform live, worldwide. Her most recent studio album was released in 2019 and she also continues to present new radio programs.

Early life and family

Quatro was born and raised in Detroit. Her paternal grandfather was an Italian immigrant to the US. His family name of “Quattrocchi” was shortened by the immigration authorities to Quatro. Quatro’s family were living in Detroit when she was born. She has three sisters, a brother, and one older half sister. Her parents fostered several other children while she was growing up. Her father, Art, was a semi-professional musician and worked at General Motors and was of Italian descent. Her mother, Helen, was Hungarian. In this environment, Quatro grew to be “extrovert but solitary”, according to Philip Norman of The Sunday Times, and she only became close to her mother after leaving the U.S. for Britain.

Her sister Arlene is the mother of actress Sherilyn Fenn. Her sister Patti joined Fanny, one of the earliest all-female rock bands to gain national attention. Quatro has a brother, Michael Quatro, who is also a musician.

She was influenced at the age of six by seeing Elvis Presley perform on television. She has said that she had no direct female role models in music but was inspired by Billie Holiday and liked the dress sense of Mary Weiss of the Shangri-Las “because she wore tight trousers and a waistcoat on top – she looked hot”.

Quatro received formal training in playing classical piano and percussion. She taught herself how to play the bass and guitar. Her father gave her a 1957 Fender Precision bass guitar in 1964, which she still possessed in 2007.

In 1976, Quatro married Len Tuckey. They had two children together (Laura in 1982 and Richard Leonard in 1984) and divorced in 1992.

Career

Early career and the Art Quatro Trio

Quatro played drums or percussion from an early age as part of her father’s jazz band, the Art Quatro Trio. Sources vary regarding whether her playing in the band began at the age of seven or eight, and whether the instrument she played was a drum kit or percussion (bongo or congas). Subsequently, she appeared on local television as a go-go dancer in a pop music series.

The Pleasure Seekers and Cradle

Quatro, at far right, pictured, along with two of her sisters, Patti and Arlene, and Eileen Biddlingmeier (centre), in the Pleasure Seekers, 1966

In 1964, after seeing a television performance by the Beatles, Quatro’s older sister, Patti, had formed an all-female garage rock band called the Pleasure Seekers with two friends.[15] Quatro joined too and assumed the stage name of Suzi Soul; Patti Quatro was known as Patti Pleasure. Suzi would sing and play bass in the band. The band also later featured another sister, Arlene.[14] Many of their performances were in cabaret, where attention was (initially) focused more on their physical looks than their actual music. They sometimes had to wear miniskirts and hair wigs, which Quatro later considered to be necessary evils in the pursuit of success.[8] However, they would become well-known fixtures in the burgeoning and exploding Detroit music community.[16]

The Pleasure Seekers recorded three singles and released two of these: “Never Thought You’d Leave Me” / “What a Way to Die” (1966) and “Light of Love” / “Good Kind of Hurt” (1968). The second of these was released by Mercury Records, with whom they briefly had a contract before breaking away due to differences of opinion regarding their future direction. They changed their name to Cradle in late 1969, not long after another Quatro sister, Nancy, had joined the band and Arlene had left following the birth of her child.[17]

Work with Mickie Most[edit]

A black and white photograph of Quatro and her unnamed backing band. Quatro is holding her bass guitar, standing, and wearing a black leather jacket; her three taller and long-haired male band members are standing behind her wearing dark tee shirts.

Quatro and her supporting band in AVRO‘s TopPop, a Dutch television show, on December 7, 1973 (Left to right: Len Tuckey, guitar; Suzi Quatro, bass guitar; Alastair MacKenzie, keyboards; Dave Neal, drums)

Quatro moved to England in 1971, after being spotted by the record producer Mickie Most, who had by that time founded his own label, Rak Records. Most had been persuaded to see Cradle by Michael, the brother of the Quatro sisters who had assumed a managerial role for the band.[15] In common with many in the record industry at the time, Most was seeking a female rock singer who could fill the void that the death of Janis Joplin had created.[8] According to the Encyclopedia of Popular Music, his attention to Quatro was drawn by “her comeliness and skills as bass guitarist, singer and chief show-off in Cradle.”[14] She had also been attracting attention from Elektra Records and subsequently explained that “According to the Elektra president, I could become the new Janis Joplin. Mickie Most offered to take me to England and make me the first Suzi Quatro – I didn’t want to be the new anybody.”[15] Most had no interest in the other band members[17] and he had no idea at that time of how he might market Quatro. She spent a year living in a hotel while being nurtured by Most, developing her skills and maturing. Most later said that the outcome was a reflection of her own personality.[8]

Quatro’s first single, “Rolling Stone“, was successful only in Portugal, where it reached No. 1 on the charts.[15] This was a solo effort, although aided by people such as Duncan BrownePeter Frampton and Alan White. Subsequently, with the approval of Most, she auditioned for a band to accompany her.[8][18] It was also after this record[19] that Most introduced her to the songwriting and production team of Nicky Chinn and Mike Chapman, who wrote songs specifically to accord with her image. She agreed with Most’s assessment of her image, saying that his influence, at which some of his artists – such as Jeff Beck and Rod Stewart – balked, did not extend to manufacture and that “If he tried to build me into a Lulu, I wouldn’t have it. I’d say ‘go to hell’ and walk out.”[20] This was the height of the glam rock period of the 1970s and Quatro, who wore leather clothes, portrayed a wild androgynous image while playing music that “hinged mostly on a hard rock chug beneath lyrics in which scansion overruled meaning.”[14][a]

In 1972, Quatro embarked as a support act on a UK tour with Thin Lizzy and headliners Slade. Rak arranged for her to use Thin Lizzy’s newly acquired PA systemduring this, incurring a charge of £300 per week that enabled the Irish band to effectively purchase it at no cost to themselves.[21] In May 1973, her second single “Can the Can” (1973) – which Philip Auslander describes as having “seemingly nonsensical and virtually unintelligible lyrics”[2]:1 – was a No. 1 hit in parts of Europe and in Australia.[22]

“Can the Can” was followed by three further hits: “48 Crash” (1973), “Daytona Demon” (1973) and “Devil Gate Drive” (1974). “Can the Can”, “48 Crash” and “Devil Gate Drive” each sold over one million copies and were awarded gold discs,[22] although they met with little success in her native United States, where she had toured as a support act for Alice Cooper.[23] Rak artists had generally not succeeded in the US and her first album, Suzi Quatro, was criticised by Alan Betrock for its lack of variety, for its Quatro-written “second-rate fillers” and for her voice, described as “often too high and shrill, lacking punch or distinctive phrasing.”[18] Writing for Rolling StoneGreg Shaw was also downbeat, saying that the album “may be a necessary beginning”.[24]

In 1973, Quatro played on the Cozy Powell hit “Dance With the Devil“, a track written by Mickie Most while Cozy Powell was part of the Rak roster.

Musicians who acted as her backing band around this period included Alastair McKenzie, Dave Neal and Len Tuckey,[8] with Robbie Blunt also being listed by some sources.[25] Tuckey’s brother, Bill, acted as tour manager.[8]

With the exception of Australia, her chart success faltered thereafter, as proven with her 1975 hit “Your Mamma Won’t Like Me”, which proved to be a moderate success in the UK. Further singles “I Bit off More I Could Chew” and “I May Be Too Young”, both failed to reach the UK Top 50. Quatro recorded an album in 1976 and released a new single in 1977 called “Tear Me Apart” which reached the UK Top 30, her first hit to have done so in three years. It would take another year for another big hit, this time with a change to a more mellow style[14] giving Quatro a 1978 single “If You Can’t Give Me Love” that became a hit there and in the United Kingdom. Later that year, “Stumblin’ In“, a duet with Chris Norman of the band Smokie, reached No. 4 in the US[23] Both tracks were featured on the If You Knew Suzi… album. A year later, Quatro released Suzi … and Other Four Letter Words, but none of her other work had much US success. This featured the hits “She’s in Love with You”, which made No. 11 in Britain, “Mama’s Boy” (number 34), and “I’ve Never Been in Love” (number 56).[26]

Mike Chapman and Dreamland records[edit]

In 1980, after Quatro’s contract with Mickie Most had expired, she signed with Chapman’s Dreamland Records.[27]:4

In the same year, she released the album Rock Hard; both the album and title single went platinum in Australia. Rock Hard was also used in the cult film Times Square and was included on the soundtrack album. The single reached No. 11 in Australia, but only 68 in the UK due to distribution problems. It was clear at this point that the hit single career was beginning to wane. A second single from the Rock Hardalbum, titled “Lipstick”, was released in February 1981, but radio refused to play it as they claimed it sounded too much like Gloria by ThemSuzi Quatro’s Greatest Hits, which was released in 1980, peaked at No. 4 in the UK charts, becoming her highest-charting album there.[23]

Independence[edit]

After Chapman’s Dreamland Records folded 1981, Quatro was left without a record label.[28]

Her last UK hit for some time was “Heart of Stone” in late 1982. In 1983 another single “Main Attraction” was released. It failed to chart but did become a moderate airplay hit.[23] She commented in an article for Kerrang! in 1983, after playing a successful show at Reading Festival on August 27, that she did not care about being in the charts, but was more interested releasing what she wanted to; commenting that she started in 1964, and did not become famous for nine years “I would never accept having my career moulded by other people … I’ve kept working consistently even though I’ve not been in the charts.” Around this time Quatro recorded a new album that was shelved until 1997, when it was released under Unreleased Emotion Quatro briefly returned to recording for two more singles “I Go Wild” in 1984 and in 1985, her “Tonight I Could Fall in Love“/”Good Girl (Looking for a Bad Time)” single reached No. 140 in the UK charts.[29] Quatro also collaborated with Bronski Beat and members of the KinksEddie and the Hot Rods and Dr. Feelgood on the Mark Cunningham-produced cover version of David Bowie‘s “Heroes“, released the following year as the 1986 BBC Children in Need single. Quatro also released a cover version of “Wild Thing” in November 1986, as a duet with The Troggs singer Reg Presley. “Can the Can”/”Devil Gate Drive” were re-released in 1987 as a single and reached number 87 in the UK charts.[29] She was also part of the Ferry Aid charity single “Let It Be“, which was a UK No. 1, 13 years and 26 days after Quatro’s last UK No. 1. In 1989 Quatro released a prerecorded backing track single “Baby You’re a Star”, and was released in the UK though it failed to chart. By the late 80’s it was clear that Quatro’s hit making days were over, though she still recorded persistently despite lack of chart success. During the 1990s, Quatro released four new albums though Unreleased Emotion had been recorded several years previously. What Goes Around – Greatest & Latest was released in 1995 and consisted of mainly older hits rerecorded, this proved a success in Denmark. Except for 1999’s Free the Butterfly self-help album it would take a further 11 years for Quatro to release a new album. Back to the Drive in 2006 showed a return to Quatro’s harder rock roots rather than the smoother sounds of her previous albums. Back to the Drive also returned Quatro to the worldwide charts her first album to do so since 1980’s Rock HardBack to the Drive also produced a download only single “I’ll Walk Through the Fire with You”. Quatro released In the Spotlight in 2011 with the lead single, “Whatever Love Is”. Quatro marked her 50th anniversary in the music industry with an anthology, Girl from Detroit, in 2014 with two new tracks.[30][31]

Around 2005, a documentary chronicling Quatro’s life, Naked Under Leather, named after a 1975 bootleg album recorded in Japan, directed by a former member of the RunawaysVictory Tischler-Blue, was made, but this has never been released.[32][33] In February 2006, Quatro released Back to the Drive, produced by Sweet guitarist Andy Scott. The album’s title track was written by her former collaborator, Chapman.[34] In March 2007, Quatro released a cover version of the Eagles song “Desperado“, followed by the publication of her autobiography, Unzipped.[35] By this time, Quatro had sold 50 million records.[12]

On June 11, 2010, she headlined the ‘Girls Night Out’ at the Isle of Wight Festival.[36] Quatro was also inducted into the Michigan Rock and Roll Legends online Hall of Fame in 2010, following an on-line vote.[17]

In August 2011, Quatro released her fifteenth studio album, In the Spotlight (and its single, “Spotlight”). This album is a mixture of new songs written by Mike Chapman and by herself, along with some cover versions. A second single from the album, “Whatever Love Is”, was subsequently released.[37][38] On November 16, 2011, a music video (by Tischler-Blue) for the track “Strict Machine” was released onto the Suzi Quatro Official YouTube channel. The track is a cover of Goldfrapp‘s “Strict Machine”, but Quatro’s version contains two lines from “Can the Can”, referencing the similarity of the tunes for the two songs.[39][40]

In April 2013, she performed in America for the first time in over 30 years, at the Detroit Music Awards where she received the Distinguished Lifetime Achievement Award, presented to her by her sister, Patti.

In 2017 Quatro released her sixteenth studio album backed by Andy Scott from Sweet on guitar and Don Powell from Slade on drums.[5]

Acting and radio hosting[edit]

Quatro is possibly best known in the United States for her role as the bass player Leather Tuscadero on the television show Happy Days. The show’s producer, Garry Marshall, had offered her the role without having an audition after seeing a photograph of her on his daughter’s bedroom wall. Toby Mamis, who was acting as her U.S. representative at that time, helped effectuate the deal and generate enormous media attention to it, elevating Quatro’s profile in her home country. Leather was the younger sister of Fonzie’s former girlfriend, hot-rod driver Pinky Tuscadero. Leather fronted a rock band joined by principal character Joanie Cunningham. The character returned in other guest roles, including once for a date to a fraternity formal with Ralph Malph. Marshall offered Quatro a Leather Tuscadero spin-off, but she declined the offer, saying she did not want to be typecast.[41]

Other acting roles include a 1982 episode of the British comedy-drama series Minder (called “Dead Men Do Tell Tales”) as Nancy, the singer girlfriend of Terry (Dennis Waterman).[42] In 1985, she starred as a mentally disturbed ex-MI5 operative in Dempsey and Makepeace – “Love you to Death”.[43] In 1994, she made a cameo appearance as a nurse in the “Hospital” episode of the comedy Absolutely Fabulous.[44]She also was filmed in the 1990 Clive Barker horror film Nightbreed, but the studio cut out her character.[citation needed] In 2006, Quatro performed the voice of Rio in the Bob the Builder film Built to Be Wild,[45]and appeared in an episode of the second season of Rock School, in Lowestoft. She has also appeared in the episode “The Axeman Cometh” of Midsomer Murders in the role of Mimi Clifton.

Quatro has also performed in theatre. In 1986, she appeared as Annie Oakley in a London production of Annie Get Your Gun[29] and in 1991 she performed the title role in a musical about the life of actress Tallulah Bankhead. Titled Tallulah Who?, this musical was co-written by her and Shirlie Roden, adapted from a book by Willie Rushton. It ran from February 14 to March 9 at Hornchurch, England, where it was billed as “You’ll be amazed how Tallulah did it, and to whom – and how often!” The show received favourable reviews from the majority of critics.[46][47]

In more recent times, Quatro has hosted weekly rock and roll programmes on BBC Radio 2. The first one was titled Rockin’ with Suzi Q, while her second programme was given the title Wake Up Little Suzi.[48]

Songwriting[edit]

She started writing songs alone, then collaborated with other songwriters (such as Len Tuckey, Rhiannon Wolfe and Shirley Roden), and now once again mainly writes songs alone.

Quatro’s early recorded songwriting was deliberately limited to album tracks and the B-sides of singles. She said in late 1973, that “…  [the] album tracks are a very different story from [the] singles. The two-minute lo-and-behold commercial single will not come out of my brain, but ain’t I gonna worry about it.”[49]

She describes creating a new song: “From sitting at my piano in my front room, writing down a title (always first), picking up my bass, figuring out the groove, going back to the piano … working on the lyrics, playing electric guitar … and finally I type out the lyrics. Only then is it officially a song. Next it goes down on my tiny 8-track, [with] me playing everything … this is the version all muso’s use to get into the tune … then into the studio and we go from there.”[50]:2

Personal life[edit]

Quatro married her long-time guitarist, Len Tuckey, in 1976. They had two children together (Laura in 1982 and Richard Leonard in 1984) and divorced in 1992. Before 1993, Quatro lived with her two children in a manor house in Essex that she and Tuckey bought in 1980.

She married German concert promoter Rainer Haas in 1993. In 2006, her daughter and grandchild moved into the manor house again.[1] Towards the end of 2008, Quatro’s children moved out of the house and she temporarily put it up for sale, stating that she had empty nest syndrome. Quatro continues to live in Essex, (sometimes in Detroit) and Hamburg.[51]

Since 2011 she publishes music videos on YouTube.[52] On March 31, 2012, Quatro broke her right knee and left wrist while boarding an aircraft in KievUkraine, where she had performed the night before. She had to cancel her appearance at the Detroit Music Awards, where she was to be inducted into the Detroit Hall of Fame along with her sisters, scheduled for April 27. This would have been her first performance in America in over 30 years. Quatro also had to reschedule other concert dates, while some were cancelled altogether.[53]

Attitude[edit]

In a 2012 interview, Quatro was asked what she thought she had achieved for female rockers in general. She replied:

Before I did what I did, we didn’t have a place in rock ‘n’ roll. Not really. You had your Grace Slick and all that, but that’s not what I did. I was the first to be taken seriously as a female rock ‘n’ roll musician and singer. That hadn’t been done before. I played the boys at their own game. For everybody that came afterward, it was a little bit easier, which is good. I’m proud of that. If I have a legacy, that’s what it is. It’s nothing I take lightly. It was gonna happen sooner or later. In 2014, I will have done my job 50 years. It was gonna be done by somebody, and I think it fell to me to do because I don’t look at gender. I never have. It doesn’t occur to me if a 6-foot-tall guy has pissed me off not to square up to him. That’s just the way I am. If I wanted to play a bass solo, it never occurred to me that I couldn’t. When I saw Elvis for the first time when I was 5, I decided I wanted to be him, and it didn’t occur to me that he was a guy. That’s why it had to fall to somebody like me.[3][b]

In a 1973 interview, Quatro sympathised with many of the opinions voiced by the women’s liberation movement while distancing herself from it because she considered that the participants were

… completely hypocritical. Their leaders stand up there and say, ‘We’re individuals blab blab blab,’ and yet they’re all in a group following like sheep. For me, I cannot put the two together … I’m talking about the masses that follow [the movement’s leaders who get press attention] and who have nothing at all to say. It gives it all a very phoney light. I hope they can find a way to apply it to their own lives, because grouping together takes away the whole idea of Women’s Lib.[49]

The interviewer, Charles Shaar Murray, considered her viewpoint to be “… somewhat anomalous, because unless the woman in question happens to be well known, she has no way of letting people hear her unless she unites with other women and then elects a spokesman.” He also noted the apparent contradiction that Quatro seemed proud that girls were writing to her saying that they were emulating her look and her attitude.[49] In 1974, Quatro believed that, unlike men, women were burdened with emotional responses and that it was more difficult for them to succeed in the music industry because they are more prone to jealousy and thus female audiences tend not to buy the recordings of female artists.[54] Her unusually free use of swear words in conversation was often picked upon by interviewers in the 1970s,[54] as have been her diminutive stature and boy-ish nature. In 1974, Philip Norman said that

Of all female rock singers, she appears the most emancipated: a small girl leading an all-man group in which she herself plays bass guitar. The image is of a tomboy, lank-haired, tight-bottomed and (twice) tattooed; a rocker, a brooder, a loner, a knife-carrier; a hell-cat, a wild cat, a storm child, refugee from the frightened city of Detroit.[8][c]

Awards and honors[edit]

In October 2016, it was announced[55] that Quatro had received an honorary doctorate in music from Anglia Ruskin University along with Dr. Feelgood‘s Wilko Johnson.[55]

In 2011, Quatro was inducted to the Michigan Rock and Roll Legends Hall of Fame.[56]

Legacy and influence[edit]

Views of journalists and reviewers[edit]

In August 1974, Simon Frith spotted a problem with the formula that was working outside the US, saying that

Suzi’s facing a bit of a [commercial] crisis: Chinn and Chapman, having proved their point, are losing interest in her. She’s never had their best material (they don’t play many games with her) and each of her singles has been less gripping than the one before. Unless they suddenly imagine a new joke, she’s in danger of petering out and she lacks the resources to fight back. None of her own musical talents has been needed and so they’ve been ignored (except on the throwaway B-sides) and while Sweet and Mud have their histories and themselves to draw on for support, Suzi’s present has nothing to do with her past and her group was formed only to play Chinnichap music. Mud may become a top cabaret act and Sweet a respected rock group, but Suzi will only be a memory. Mickie Most’s skill in the ’60s was to make pop music out of British blues and R&B and folk; Chinn and Chapman’s skill in the ’70s has been to make pop music out of an audience. As this audience ages and changes, so will its music and Suzi Quatro will have been just an affectionate part of growing up.[19]

In 1983, journalist Tom Hibbert wrote that Quatro may have overstated her role as a leading light among female rock musicians. He said that

… it was in the wake of the 1977 punk revolution that the traditions of rock were turned upside down and female musicians truly came to the fore. But Suzi Quatro, with her tomboy sneers, her bass guitar and her stompingly persuasive teen-tunes, had at least laid down a challenge to the male-dominated rock orthodoxy. On stage in the Eighties, Quatro was still conveying energy and excitement – and she still lacked class.”[57]

Views of scholars[edit]

In his 2008 paper Suzi Quatro: A prototype in the archsheology [sic] of rock, Frank Oglesbee writes that “The rebellion of rock music was largely a male rebellion; the women—often, in the 1950s and ’60s, girls in their teens—in rock usually sang songs as personæ utterly dependent on their macho boyfriends”. He describes Quatro as “a female rock pioneer, in some ways the female rock pioneer … a cornerstone in the archsheology of rock.” He said she grew up to become “the first female lead singer and bassist, an electric ax-woman, who sang and played as freely as the males, inspiring other females.”[58]

Philip Auslander says that “Although there were many women in rock by the late 1960s, most performed only as singers, a traditionally feminine position in popular music”. Though some women (like Quatro herself) played instruments in American all-female garage rock bands, none of these bands achieved more than regional success. So they “did not provide viable templates for women’s on-going participation in rock”.[2]:2–3 When Quatro emerged in 1973, “no other prominent female musician worked in rock simultaneously as a singer, instrumentalist, songwriter, and bandleader”.[2]:2 Auslander adds that in 2000 Quatro saw herself as “kicking down the male door in rock and roll and proving that a female musician … and this is a point I am extremely concerned about … could play as well if not better than the boys”.[2]:3

People and bands influenced by Quatro[edit]

Quatro has influenced various female musicians. Musician Tina Weymouth, who played bass guitar in Talking Heads and Tom Tom Club, among other bands, first learned to play bass by listening to Quatro albums.[59]

Quatro had a direct influence on the Runaways[60] and Joan Jett[60] and Girlschool and Chrissie Hynde from The Pretenders.[61]

Mid-1990s American indie rock band Tuscadero was named after Quatro’s Happy Days character Leather Tuscadero, and their song “Leather Idol”, from their 1994 album The Pink Album, was an ode to both Quatro and her TV character.[62]

On the cover of Scottish singer-songwriter KT Tunstall‘s 2007 album Drastic Fantastic, Tunstall is dressed like Quatro, as a deliberate homage.[63][d]

On October 24, 2013, Quatro received the Woman of Valor Award from the organisation Musicians for Equal Opportunities for Women (MEOW) for her role inspiring and influencing generations of female musicians.[65] The award was bestowed by Kathy Valentine (formerly of The Go-Go’s) at a dinner in her honour in Austin, Texas, at the Austin Renaissance Hotel. Quatro performed five songs with a local band that included her sister Patti and Tony Scalzo of the band Fastball on “Stumblin In”.

Satire[edit]

A Danish band called Suzi & Quadratrødderne released two albums: Glimrende (Excellent) and Absolut Nødvendigt..! (Absolutely Necessary ..!). Quatro was played by Ricky Rocket. Unlike Quatro and her band, Suzi & Quadratrødderne dressed in glam rock style.[66]

Musical style[edit]

Quatro’s music covers several genres. Her primary genres are hard rock,[67] glam rock[68][69] and female cock rock. (Auslander analysed Quatro’s live performances of “Can the Can” plus “Breakdown” and concluded that she performed as a cock-rocker.[2]:1–2 He writes that “she has appeared on occasion just as a bass player, not a singer, and [also] demonstrates her instrumental prowess with an extended bass guitar solo during her own concerts. By foregrounding her status as a rock player, not just a singer, Quatro declares ownership of the symbolic rock cock.”)[2]:3

With the Pleasure Seekers, their musical styles and genres included power pop,[70] garage rock[71] and Motown.[72] Quatro also performs musicals.[73]

Discography[edit]

Studio albums[edit]

[23]

Live albums[edit]

  • Live and Kickin’ (1977) – Japan & Australia only live album; re-released as double CD in 1990 in Australia

Compilation albums[edit]

  • The Suzi Quatro Story – 12 Golden Hits (1975) – No. 33 Sweden[23]
  • Suzi Quatro’s Greatest Hits (1980) – No. 4 UK, No. 38 Sweden[23]
  • The Best of… (1984) – limited to RSO years[23]
  • Highs in the Mid-Sixties, Volume 6 (1984), AIP – The Pleasure Seekers
  • The Wild One – the Greatest Hits (1990)[23]
  • The Gold Collection (1996)[23]
  • Greatest Hits (1999)
  • The Best of the 70’s (2000)
  • Rough and Tough (2002)
  • A’s, B’s and Rarities (2004)
  • The Best Of Suzi Quatro (2009)
  • The History (2010), Cradle – distributed by CD Baby[82]
  • What a Way to Die (2011), The Pleasure Seekers – distributed by CD Baby[83]
  • The Essential (2011)
  • A Little Taste of Suzi – Greatest Hits EP (2012)
  • The Girl from Detroit City (2014) 4 cd box set
  • The Very Best Of (DigiPack) (2015)
  • Legend (2017)[5]

Singles[edit]

Year Title
Composer
B-side
Composer
UK
[84]
AU US PT IE DE SA
[85]
1966 “Never Thought You’d Leave Me” (in The Pleasure Seekers) “What a Way to Die”
1968 “Light of Love” (in The Pleasure Seekers) “Good Kind of Hurt”
1972 Rolling Stone
(Phil Dennys, Errol Brown, Suzi Quatro )
“Brain Confusion” 1
1973 Can the Can
(Mike Chapman / Nicky Chinn)
“Ain’t Ya Something Honey” / “Don’t Mess Around” (US) 1 1 56 5 1
48 Crash
(Mike Chapman / Nicky Chinn)
“Little Bitch Blue” 3 1 2
Daytona Demon
(Mike Chapman / Nicky Chinn)
“Roman Fingers” 14 4 2
1974 All Shook Up
(Otis BlackwellElvis Presley)
“Glycerine Queen”
(Quatro, Tuckey)
85
Devil Gate Drive
(Mike Chapman / Nicky Chinn)
“In the Morning” 1 1 1 2
“Too Big”
(Mike Chapman / Nicky Chinn)
“I Wanna Be Free” 14 13 12 6
“The Wild One”
(Mike Chapman / Nicky Chinn)
“Shake My Sugar”(Aust B Side – “The Wild One (slow)”) 7 2 11 15
1975 “Your Mamma Won’t Like Me”
(Mike Chapman / Nicky Chinn)
“Peter, Peter”
(Quatro, Tuckey)
31 14 27
“I Bit Off More Than I Could Chew”
(Mike Chapman / Nicky Chinn)
“Red Hot Rosie”
(Quatro, Tuckey)(Aust B Side – “Michael”
(Quatro, Tuckey))
34
“Michael”
(Quatro, Tuckey)
“Savage Silk”
(Mike Chapman / Nicky Chinn)
100
“I May Be Too Young”
(Mike Chapman / Nicky Chinn)
“Don’t Mess Around”
(Quatro, Tuckey)
50
1977 “Tear Me Apart”
(Mike Chapman / Nicky Chinn)
“Same as I Do (UK – YRAK RAK 248B)”
(Quatro, Tuckey) / “Close Enough to Rock ‘n’ Roll”
(Quatro, Tuckey)
27 25 17
Make Me Smile
(Steve Harley)
“Same as I Do”
(Quatro, Tuckey)
“Roxy Roller”
(Nick GilderJames McCulloch)
“I’ll Grow on You”
(Quatro, Tuckey)
1978 If You Can’t Give Me Love
(Mike Chapman / Nicky Chinn)
“Cream Dream” / “Non-Citizen” (US) 4 10 45 2 5 3
“The Race Is On”
(Mike Chapman / Nicky Chinn)
“Non-Citizen”
(Quatro, Tuckey)
43 28 11 15 8
Stumblin’ In” (with Chris Norman)
(Mike Chapman / Nicky Chinn)
“A Stranger with You”
(Mike Chapman / Nicky Chinn)
41 2 4 13 2 2
1979 “Don’t Change My Luck”
(Mike Chapman / Nicky Chinn)
“Wiser Than You”
(Quatro, Tuckey)
72
“She’s in Love with You”
(Mike Chapman / Nicky Chinn)
“Space Cadets”
(Quatro, Tuckey) / “Starlight Lady”
(Quatro, Tuckey) (US)
11 30 41 5 8 1
1980 “Mama’s Boy”
(Quatro, Tuckey)
“Mind Demons”
(Quatro, Tuckey)
34 27 19 12
“I’ve Never Been in Love”
(Melissa A. Connell)
“Starlight Lady” / “Space Cadets” (US) 56 44 38
“Rock Hard”
(Mike Chapman / Nicky Chinn)
“State of Mind”
(Quatro, Tuckey)
68 9 26 12
1981 Glad All Over
(Dave ClarkMike Smith)
“Ego in the Night”
(Quatro, Tuckey)
70
“Lipstick”
(Mike Chapman / Nicky Chinn)
“Woman Cry”
(Quatro, Tuckey)
46 51
1982 Heart of Stone
(Chris Andrews, Suzi Quatro)
“Remote Control”
Suzi Quatro and Len Tuckey
60 99
1983 “Down at the Superstore” “Half Day Closing (Down at the Superstore) “
“Main Attraction” “Transparent”
1984 “I Go Wild”
(Nicky Chinn,S. Glen, M. Burns)
“I’m a Rocker”
1985 Tonight I Could Fall in Love
(Richard Gower)
“Good Girl (Looking for a Bad Time)”
1986 Heroes
(David Bowie / Brian Eno)
“A Long Way to Go”/”The County Line”
I Got Lost in His Arms
(Irving Berlin)
You Can’t Get a Man with a Gun
(Irving Berlin)
Wild Thing” (with Reg Presley)
(Chip Taylor)
“I Don’t Want You”
1988 “We Found Love”
(Rob Bolland, Ferdi Bolland)
“We Found Love” (Instrumental)
1989 “Baby You’re a Star”
(Rob Bolland, Ferdi Bolland)
“Baby You’re a Star” (Instrumental)
1991 “Kiss Me Goodbye” “Kiss Me Goodbye” (Instrumental)
“The Great Midnight Rock ‘n’ Roll House Party” “Intimate Strangers”
1992 “Love Touch”
Love Touch
(Gene Black, Mike ChapmanHolly Knight
(Single Version)
“We Found Love”
(Rob Bolland, Ferdi Bolland)
“I Need Your Love”
(with Chris Norman)
(Chris Norman, Suzi Quatro) [2]
“The Growing Years”
(with Chris Norman)
(Chris Norman))
“Hey Charly”
1993 “Fear of the Unknown” (Radio Version) “And So to Bed”
1994 “If I Get Lucky” (Radio Version) “If I Get Lucky” (Long version)
Peace on Earth” (Radio edit)
“Peace on Earth” (Album Version)
“Frosty the Snowman”
1995 “What Goes Round” (Radio Edit)
“What Goes Round” (Album Version)
“Four Letter Words” (Remix version)
1996 “If You Can’t Give Me Love (remix)” “Empty Rooms”
2006 “I’ll Walk Through the Fire with You”
2010 “Singing with Angels” (with James Burton and The Jordanaires) (Australian September tour limited edition)
2011 “Whatever Love Is”
2014 “The Girl from Detroit City”
2019 “No Soul/No Control”

Some info in this table was taken from The Great Rock Discography.[23]

List of Songs[edit]

see: List of songs by Suzi Quatro

Filmography[edit]

Television[edit]

Acting
Guest appearances

Cinema[edit]

Honors and awards[edit]

Bravo Otto[edit]

Bravo is the largest magazine for teenagers in German-speaking Europe. Each year, the readers of this magazine select the Bravo Otto award winners.

Quatro has won the following Bravo Otto awards:[91]

  • 1973 Gold for female singer
  • 1974 Gold for female singer
  • 1975 Bronze for female singer
  • 1978 Bronze for female singer
  • 1979 Bronze for female singer
  • 1980 Silver for female singer

Queens of British Pop[edit]

In April 2009, BBC TV selected Quatro as one of twelve Queens of British Pop.[92]

Awarded honorary doctorate at Anglia Ruskin University, Cambridge, UK on October 19, 2016.

See also[edit]

 

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16 Questions To Ask Your Ex To Get Closure & Know It’s Really Over

Breakups can feel like a big explosion scene in an action flick. They often happen so fast, with so many moving parts. When you stand back and watch it all, totally bewildered, you might find yourself wondering what the actual heck just happened. No matter how long you were dating your old flame, if you’re looking to better understand why you split, these questions to ask your ex to get closure may really come in handy.

Whether you and your ex had been fighting nonstop for a while or you thought you were going to be together forever, calling it quits with someone call cause 50 shades of confusion. But as Dr. Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and host of The Kurre and Klapow Show, previously told Elite Daily, creating a sense of closure can be especially important. This is especially true when you’re not sure why your ex broke it off, or you didn’t want your relationship to end.

“Getting ‘closure’ means getting information, getting questions answered, and then pulling all that information together to create a narrative that makes sense to the individual,” Dr. Klapow shared.

 

Young Asian lesbian couple argue and turn their back to each other in the period of sad in the bedroom. LGBT couple sulky to another in the bedroom with a sad mood. LGBT lover emotion concept.
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1. I need to process that we’re no longer together — can we take a break from talking and texting every day?

2. Can you walk me through what happened, from your perspective?

3. Moving forward, what do you need from me?

4. Do you feel comfortable talking about why it ended right now, or do you need time to process?

5. What positives did you take away from our relationship?

6. Are you interested in staying friends?

7. What did you learn from our relationship?

8. I have a lot of questions about the way things ended, so can we set up a time to talk about it?

9. Do you have anything else you want to say to me?

10. How have you been processing everything?

11. Did you feel seen in our relationship?

12. Do you feel like you’re healing from our breakup?

13. What types of relationships are you looking for in the future?

14. Why do you think our relationship ended?

15. Could we have done anything differently?

16. Can I still ask you to hang out, or do you need to take some time and space?

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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