My Husband Has Admitted To Having Feelings For A Woman At Work, But Says He Still Loves Me. Should I Worry?

Here’s a post from on of my female followers. I thought it was worth sharing.

If I had to name the most common place where infidelity happens, it would be at the work place. I would say that the vast majority of the correspondence that I get about cheating and affairs happen in a work place setting. And I often hear from people who are concerned about a relationship that they see forming at their spouse’s job.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “I had a strong suspicion that my husband was developing feelings for a woman at his work every time I saw the two of them together. I also couldn’t help but notice that he constantly talked about her and often mentioned them having lunch together, sometimes without others present. When I confronted him about this, at first he denied that anything was wrong. He said that they were just colleagues who had a lot of projects together. But later, I found some texts from her that were very flirty in nature. So, once again, I confronted him and he continued to deny everything. But this time, I continued to press him and eventually, he broke down and admitted that he had “strong romantic feelings” for this woman, but insisted that he still loved me and was committed to our marriage and therefore, would never act on his feelings. My husband has never lied to me, so I want to believe him. But in the back of my mind, I wonder if I should be worried about this. It’s not a good sign when your husband admits to having romantic feelings for someone else. So what should I do about this? Am I right to worry?”

I believe that the wife was right to feel concerned. From all of the correspondence that I get that outline affairs (even only emotional ones) at work, I can tell you that feelings that aren’t even acted upon can absolutely seriously harm your marriage. Not only that, but it’s not at all uncommon for people to eventually act upon these feelings even when they never intended to do so. And finally, sometimes people will insist that they only have feelings, when in fact they are trying to spare the feelings of their spouse by denying an affair (emotional or physical) that actually does exist.

Sometimes when I share my feelings on this, I’m accused of being paranoid or distrustful. But, I think that I’d rather someone be paranoid but proactive than being trusting but later very sorry when they’re trying to recover from full-fledged infidelity. It’s easier to prevent an affair than to recover from one, in my experience and opinion.

What To Do When Your Husband Admits To Having Feelings For Someone Else, But Denies Acting On These Feelings: This is only my opinion from my own experience, but I believe that just sitting back and hoping for the best is a mistake that I see happening over and over again. You can still make every attempt to believe and trust your spouse while being proactive about saving and safe guarding your marriage. When your husband has admitted to feeling romantic and loving toward someone else (who he sees and interacts with on a close and personal level every day,) then my feeling is that you are justified in taking action.

One suggestion might be to see if your husband can stop having to work so closely with her. Can he transfer, move to another department or partner with someone else? This may sound drastic, but again it’s usually much easier to prevent infidelity than the heal or recover from it. And, if you get resistance from your husband, then this will give you some important clues as to how he really feels and how invested he is in any close relationship with her.

Another thing that you will want to consider is strengthening and safe guarding your marriage. You want to make sure that things are very good at home so that he won’t have any reason to lament his marriage or talk about what it lacks with this other woman. You want to make it so that the two of you are as connected as you can possibly be. And, it’s certainly not a bad idea to swing by and have lunch with him as much as you possibly can. After all, when he’s having lunch with you, he won’t be meeting with her and she will see that your marriage is his reality and that it is solid and still very much in tact.

You also might want to look at where your marriage is vulnerable. Many women will deny that there are issues or problems, but I would argue that if your husband is developing feelings for someone else, then there are likely issues somewhere. There are likely vulnerabilities that you may not have considered or noticed, but which are most certainly coming into play. And again, if your husband is resistant to exploring these issues to strengthen your marriage, this might be indicative or what is truly going on with him and how deep his commitment really is to her or to you and your marriage. Because men will sometimes say words of reassurance, only to lack the actions to follow them through in the end.

This is not always the case, of course. Sometimes, a husband will do exactly what you’ve asked of him and the relationship or feelings for the other woman will fizzle out once you prioritize your marriage. However, to answer the question posed, yes, I do feel that there are plenty of reasons to worry, be concerned, or at least pay attention when your husband admits having feelings for someone else, even if he swears he’d never act on them. In my view, it’s better to be concerned and to take swift action than to vow not to worry, only to regret it later.

I know from experience that it’s easier to strengthen your marriage than it is to recover from an affair. My husband was unfaithful during the course of his job and I just didn’t see it coming. Since you have a warning and a head’s up, you don’t need to allow this to happen to you.

 

Thanks. I hope this was helpful. I’d like to hear your thoughts on this piece.

 

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Maria – Chapter 8 – I Get To See You Again

Maria, my muse and inspiration for this blog has agreed to meet with me again for lunch. I have a bottle of wine for her to donate to her cause. I want to do anything I can for Maria.

Here’s the rub. It’s March. Winter is on its ass as my father would say here in Philly, but you never know what March can bring. Maria is trying to get her degree and busting her butt to get her studies in order but she is leading the charge on this fund-raiser.

The event is on Sunday. It’s Friday and she’s running around trying to get all of the last-minute details done before the event.

And make time for lunch with me.

I leave my apartment in Rittenhouse. Lorelei is asleep because she works at night too.

I step out onto Pine street with my umbrella and it’s a snow storm. Giant flakes falling and blowing. Insane. It’s not cold enough for it to stick but it is just a mess outside.

This is not good. Maria could bail. I get that.

I’m ready. We’re meeting at Marathon on 16th and Sansom. I know the owner. He gave me a $25 gift card and I’m ready to burn it on my unemployed muse.

I weather the storm and make my way to the restaurant.

I know everyone there and they welcome me. They put me at a nice table at the window on Sansom.

I shoot video of the crazy weather and send it to my ex girlfriend Michelle but she doesn’t respond.  She lives in San Francisco now and I ask her if she can guess where I am but all I get is crickets. (See: Michelle – A Brand New Day)

Maria says she’s on her way.

I’m just trying to dry out and my umbrella is soaked, but I’m just happy I’ve been able to spend time with her.

Maria shows up quickly and looks amazing. I only say this because even if my muse is disheveled she will always look amazing to me because of what she means to me.

Maria leaves her little winter hat on the entire lunch and it looks so cute. But like I said. She can do no wrong at this point.

I know Maria doesn’t see the weight of this. Oblivious and happy for the donations. I am honored to oblige. I’m sure that Maria has no idea of the depth that she has inspired my art. She’s just a regular girl making her way in Philly. But somehow through her actions and her impression on me she has inspired phicklephilly.

Maria is checking her phone and upset that her coworkers may not be pulling hard enough on this event to raise gifts and money.

I totally get it. I’ve managed people before and you always want them to be like you. But they can never be you. That’s the catch with management. You’re always frustrated because your staff can never be as good as you.

It’s a never-ending cycle.

Maria is so frustrated. She goes with the tuna albacore wrap. I hope she likes it and doesn’t get sick.

I destroy my favorite, the barbecued chicken sandwich with fries. I like that Maria picks at my fries. I love sharing anything with her.

It’s a lovely moment. The snow is falling and we’re at a nice table at the window.

I’m having lunch with the woman who I was once infatuated with that inspired me to write again after 10 years. There’s nothing special about her. I think she’s beautiful. She’s charming and has lovely legs. (My usual attraction) She’s dating the owner of the company she works for, her familiar challenges. Maria is 3 months away from getting her degree in Marketing, and now she’s stuck looking for a serving job somewhere in Philly to pay the bills.

My muse has hit another wall but continues to march forward and find her way.

My unrequited love for Maria is classic phicklephilly fodder, but what if my realization that Maria is not meant for me but for a greater purpose?

What if we see Maria in a year successful in her career and through with all of this restaurant bullshit?

I’ve worked in media in this city for years. I have loads of contacts and would do anything to help her.

Maria liked her tuna albacore wrap. She ate half of it and didn’t get sick. Our server at Marathon was amazing and I burned my $25 gift card that had been given to me by the owner because he works out at our gym.

So even though Maria ordered a glass of champagne our bill was $10.

I was happy to give her the bottle of wine because it was a gift and I knew I’d never drink it.

I’m in a relationship with Cherie. I love her with all of my heart, But I did feel the romantic rush of being with Maria for a third encounter. I know it means nothing to her and she’s busy with her own survival and her own romantic entanglements, but it was just sweet to be with Maria.

My inspiration.

She can do no wrong.

I’ll text her job offers and she won’t get back to me.

It’s okay.

That’s Maria.

(She actually did!)

Thank you for the inspiration.

We step out into the snow. It’s not laying. Maria is angry because she has so much to do today based on her event.

Maria hugs me and I’m grateful for the attention. I hope her event is a success. We’ve given a gift card, and I’ve bought a ticket and donated a bottle of wine.

I hope it helps.

 

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Maria – Chapter 6 – She Has Returned To Me

After my successful coffee meet up a few weeks ago with my muse. I told her to come in for a tanning session before she goes to Florida.

“Thanks for meeting me for coffee today. It was great seeing you! I’ll get you a link to my blog. See you Saturday!”

“Yesss coffee was good. Thanks! See ya then! Send me the addy so I don’t get lost lol.”

I send her the link to my blog. This is so exciting. The girl who inspired me to write again will get to read about herself on the very platform that she inspired!

Saturday rolls around and I’m working at the salon.

“What time are you in today?”

“11 to 5”

I love that Maria is coming in to tan. She comes in and we chit-chat. It’s always great to see her and talk to my muse. She wants to get a base for her trip to Florida. She buys a 5 pack which is great because she can do a couple of sessions before her trip and use the rest to maintain her color when she gets back. (And I get to see her 4 more times!)

She does her session and heads out. I figure that would be it. She’d pop in occasionally and brighten my day. I was satisfied just having coffee with her last week. Just to reconnect with her and actually hang out with her was brilliant.

But a few weeks pass and I’m sitting at my desk at home writing. It was probably around midnight when her text comes in.

“Hey Charles, I know you said you don’t do social media. Not sure if you keep up with the news but the restaurant where I work is closed down for a few months due to the fire next door. We are not only taking money donations but any donation to be raffled would be raffled would be greatly appreciated.”

Of course I’m going to spring into action. Maria needs my help!

“I read about the fire in the news and immediately thought of you. What can we do to help? What will you do financially? Are you available to meet up to discuss this week?”

“Def sucks. I’m waiting to hear back from a couple of places. Anything honestly. We can since I have so much time now.”

“Alright. I’m going to hit up all my contacts up to get you some shifts. Can you meet up on Monday at noon?”

“Yea I’ll take anything. I babysat tonight. Just trying to be optimistic. Yeah I can do that.”

“I’ve placed a few friends in jobs. I’m so sorry this happened. I’ll start making calls tomorrow. Meet me at Cavanaugh’s Rittenhouse Monday at noon.”

“Sounds like a plan. They are actually donating to the raffle.”

“Okay I’ll talk to my partner at the salon as well. Come in and tan if you want today. I’ll be there from 11 to 4, if not see you Monday at Cav’s. I’m sure we can find you something!”

“Awesome. I really hate asking for any help honestly. I’m going to Chop tomorrow to visit my relative, but yea def Monday. Thanks again Charles!”

“I’m on it. I’ll call everybody I know in the hospitality industry to help you. No worries.”

The next day I send her a bunch of names and places she can apply. She’s very grateful. I tell her not to worry if some of the spots I send her are places she’s not interested in. She can pick and choose what places she thinks she’d like work. I’ll just keep sending. I’m just happy to help her.

Monday I’m sitting at my table in the back of Cavanaugh’s. Maria rolls in and as usual I am delighted to see her.

Maria always looks beautiful.

I feel bad for her misfortune but it wasn’t anything she did that’s put her in this predicament. The building next door to where she works burned down! It may be months before they open again.

I order my usual Monday special the 1/2 off cheese steak. Maria goes with the turkey burger.

We talk about her current situation. I tell her I’ll keep asking around to all of my contacts in the industry. I also tell her that I’ll get her a gift card to the salon that she can raffle off. She’s happy about that. She’s really been working hard to raise money for their event.

I ask her when it is and she tells me they are having it on Sunday. I tell her I can’t attend because I have to work that day. But if she sends me the link to where I can buy a ticket, I’ll purchase one just to make a donation to support her cause.

Maria is stressed about being three months away from graduating from college with her degree in Marketing, and now she has to find another server job to pay the bills. There’s also her relative that’s in Children’s Hospital. That and her own stomach disorders. Poor thing!

I can relate with all my stomach disorders. So at least we have that in common and can discuss our challenges.

She tells me more about this guy that’s she’s dating. He’s one of the managing partners of the restaurant where she worked. Okay, I know they say never shit where you eat, or don’t dip your pen in the company’s ink. But we’ve all done it. You spend a great deal of your waking hours with your co-workers. You all have a common goal and share the same mission in your daily lives. It’s very common for there to be workplace romance.

But an owner and a server? That doesn’t sit right with me. He has the power to fire her at anytime. I’m not saying that would happen. But she’s entered into a romantic relationship that if it goes badly, could put her in the unemployment line.

There’s no harassment suit because she entered into that relationship as a willing partner.

But it’s none of my business. She’s an adult and a survivor. She’s tough and she’ll figure it out. I respect that about her.

Then she tells me an interesting story. She said she wrote in to some online publication about her relationship with this gentleman. They actually changed her name to ‘Kristen” and published it. She wants to share it with me.

I get really excited at the prospect of publishing the story on Phicklephilly. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve posted a dating story by one of my followers on this blog. But not by my muse! Not a dating story by the girl who inspired me to create this blog. That’s internet gold to me. I’m honored to publish something Maria wrote!

So if she sends me the link, I’ll post it in the next installment of this little saga.

After lunch, (Of course I pay, and I really want to because my friend is not working. Girl’s gotta eat!) we walk along Sansom street. I’m looking at her, with the tawny highlights in her luxurious dark mane. I’m listening to her words and I’m happy just to be walking down the street with Maria.

She’s going to stop in at Harp and Crown and see if they’re hiring. I’ve got to get to the salon. We promise to text later about what we spoke about and I wish her luck.

We hug and off she goes. I turn and head down 16th street. I light a post lunch/Maria encounter celebratory cig and smile in the afternoon sun.

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Sun Stories – Mike – Really Dude?

We hired a girl named Caitlin to take Jill’s shifts. She’s a nice girl and does a good job, but she runs track and field at college and her schedule for practices is changing so we lost her after a few weeks.

Achilles meets this guy Mike. He came into the salon to tan one day. He’s a mountain of a man. Admits to Achilles that he uses steroids to get that huge.

Achilles is chatting with him about the fitness center we’re opening soon and Mike tells him he’s a certified personal trainer. So Achilles hires him to work at the salon, and when the gym opens he can work there.

Perfect. A muscle dude that said he’d be here to run the classes and could make some real income from the personal training. People pay big bucks for that stuff. This is a great opportunity for Mike.

I stop in one Saturday just to escape the heat. I chat a bit with Mike and he seems like a really nice guy. I even spoke to him about a business opportunity I was thinking about and he gave me good advice having had experience in a similar business. So all good.

Everything seems to be going well. We’ve recovered nicely after Trish’s cocaine arrest, Jill’s alcoholic meltdown, and Caitlin’s track re-scheduling.

But two weeks later, Achilles calls me. “I’m going to have to fire, Mike.”

“What happened?”

“He’s stealing money from me.”

“Stealing?”

“Yea. There’s almost no cash transactions on the nights he works and I’m just starting to see a pattern. I don’t think he knows the level at which we can track everything on the computer.”

“Aww dude. I’m sorry. We just can’t catch a break lately.”

“I know. Come in and we’ll have lunch today and figure out what to do.”

The next day when confronted with the crime, of course Mike denied any wrong doing to the point where Achilles almost believed him. But once Achilles dug deeper and examined all of the records in the system there was no doubt in his mind that Mike had been skimming cash from the register.

I hear that steroids are expensive.

Anyway, we fired his thieving ass and banned him from ever coming to the salon again.

Guess who’s working all the shifts everyday for a while?

That’s right! Me. At least Achilles and I know that the people who work here are trustworthy and dependable. Because it’s down to the two of us!

 

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Sun Sories: Trish – Trail of Destruction

I come home from work the other day, and Trish is in my living room chatting with my daughter Lorelei.

I’ve cooled to Trish since her arrest, but my daughter likes her and they hang out sometimes at the house. Trish lives in the apartment below us, so I need to be civil.

Trish is telling the story of her cocaine arrest to Lorelei. How she got a small fine, has to attend some classes and has to do community service. I guess its because it was her first offense and she doesn’t have a record.

“Yea, it’s been a wake up call for me.”

“Well that’s good.”

“My community service is over at the senior center helping the old folks. I really like them!”

“Maybe you’ve found your calling.”

“How is Jill making out at the salon?”

“We fired her.”

“What happened?”

“One day she was supposed to work and she didn’t show up.”

“Wow. I just saw her earlier in the week. I was upset about my arrest and I went to the salon and then we went out together.”

“What did you guys end up doing?”

“Just went out for a few drinks. I wanted to go home after a couple but she said she was heading for another bar.”

“What? When was that?”

“Monday night. Why?”

“Oh my God. No….”

“What?”

“You were with Jill when she got blackout drunk and was subsequently kicked out of her sober halfway house!”

“What?”

“She didn’t show up for work at the salon the next day because she was looking for a place to live!”

“But she wasn’t drunk when she was with me.”

“But you said she left you and was headed to another bar. You were there that Saturday before when she was sitting in the salon and said, “I can’t just have one drink. I have to keep going and then I want to go out. I can’t stop.”

“Oh fuck. So I’m the catalyst that made her relapse?”

“Looks that way.”

“Shit.”

“Anyway, I’m going to go to my room and watch my show. I’ll be through for some ice periodically. Night girls.”

 

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Sun Stories: Jill – Trish’s Replacement – Whoops!

It’s the Tuesday morning after the whole Saturday catastrophe. What was supposed to be Trish’s last day turned into me having to work her whole shift because she got locked up for cocaine possession.

I’m working at my desk when the phone rings. It’s Achilles. I’m thinking, what now?

He tells me he checked online about activity at the salon and there wasn’t any. It’s 11am. Normally he works during the day, but he asked Jill to take his shift this morning because he had some things he needed to do. He goes on to tell me that he called the salon and that there was no answer, and then he called Jill and asked her what was going on.

Her response was, “I’m looking for a place to live.”

Here we go again.

I spring into action and head to the salon. Looks like I’ll be working from whenever I can get the place open to closing today.

On the way there I’m thinking, if Trish had been able to contact Achilles or myself Saturday morning and said she couldn’t work we would have been fine with it. But she was in jail and probably didn’t have her phone on her. Don’t you get one phone call when you’re arrested? If she had gotten one call, that’s the one call she should have made. We wouldn’t have even cared if she had murdered somebody. Just let us know you can’t come in so we can cover your shift.

I wonder what happened with Jill? Couldn’t she have simply called or texted Achilles or myself that she wouldn’t be able to work today? We wouldn’t care if she was homeless, or even if she had murdered somebody. Just call or text Achilles or myself so we can cover your shift! This is the second incidence of this in the last three days!

I get to the salon and open the doors. There are several women sitting on the steps just like on Saturday. I tell them we’ve had some staffing challenges lately. I apologize for the late opening and tell them I’ll take care of them all and everybody gets to tan right now. Our clients for the most part are all really nice people.

I later find out from Achilles that Jill had gone out and gotten blackout drunk Monday night and was kicked out of the halfway house she was living in. So she’s relapsed with her alcoholism.

You are typically kicked out of a sober house when you relapse; but that doesn’t mean you can’t come back to the house or live in another one. If you’ve relapsed, then living in a halfway house is exactly what you need for your recovery right now. If you want to achieve sobriety, go to a halfway house and make a commitment there and don’t leave until you’ve finished it and are sober!

If you or a loved one are struggling with substance abuse or addiction, please call toll-free 1-800-951-6135.

Poor Jill. She was doing such a good job at the salon. I hope she gets the professional help she needs to be okay.

But… If you don’t show up for work, we have to fire you. So Jill has gone the way of Trish. Now we have to find someone else.

But the story isn’t over yet…

 

 

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Sun Stories: Jill – Trish’s Replacement – Hired

Trish lasted almost a year here at the salon. But she’s so unstable she can’t do the job anymore. I hope she gets the professional help she needs to deal with her mental psychosis.

We end up hiring Jill to work at the salon. At this point Achilles doesn’t know about the incident with Trish. Jill has industry experience and catches on quickly and is happy to have a job. She’s sweet to the customers and is up for any task in the salon. Being a former client, she’s happy to now enjoy the benefits of free tanning!

I really get to know her and she seems to have had a difficult life based on some bad decisions. I also discover that she’s had some real problems with alcohol. She’s currently living in a halfway house with some other women in recovery. I don’t know what she did to get there but at least she’s trying to get better.

Halfway Houses are transitional living places for those in recovery from drugs or alcohol. In some states, because of legal requirements, the term “sober living house” is used. Some people go to halfway houses from a treatment center, prison, or a homeless situation, while others go there to be in a sober and clean environment to begin the recovery process. Some residents are in halfway houses due to court orders.

Most halfway houses require residents to pass breathalyzer and drug screening tests as they aren’t equipped to deal with withdrawal symptoms from drugs or the DT’s (Delirium tremens, which are associated with severe alcohol withdrawal). If you can’t pass these tests, a treatment center might be your best option.

 

How a Halfway House is Managed

Many halfway houses are run by people who themselves were at one time a halfway house resident. The houses accommodate either men or women.

Most people who don’t seek recovery from alcohol or drugs will end up on “skid row,” in jail, an insane asylum, or dead. If you are concerned about a friend or family member, an intervention can be the best help for them if they’re not yet in recovery. The good news is that 85% of interventions that are properly carried out result in the person seeking some kind of help. Most interventions carried out without help from people well versed in addiction fail.

 

Determining the Primary Addiction

In seeking recovery from drugs or alcohol, it is important to identify which is the primary addiction — alcohol or drugs. Due to economics, halfway houses are set up to house both alcoholics and drug addicts. In order to obtain optimal results, the person in recovery should focus on either the program of Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous, depending on what the primary addiction is. A person who is addicted to alcohol will relate better to AA and the person addicted primarily to drugs will relate better to fellow drug addicts.

 

How to Choose a Halfway House

In choosing a Halfway House, ask around local AA or NA meetings about those with good reputations, or check with a respected treatment center. Also, choose one that is reasonably near the meetings you will be attending. Most halfway houses accommodate residents until 6 months to a year or two of continuous sobriety or clean time. Houses that have a range or recovery time for people currently residing at the house, such as someone with one month, 90 days, and 6 months are preferable to one with all residents with under 30 days in recovery. Also, those with a live-in manager are generally better choices. Some houses have a democratic process, in which the residents choose who will be coordinator or manager.

I hope everything works out with Jill on our team!

 

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