What Should You Do When You Hook Up With A Friend’s Ex? Experts Say It Can Get Messy

Call it “Friend Code” or whatever else fits your fancy — it seems like there’s an unwritten law about staying away from your friend’s exes. Of course, sometimes, life just happens, and people fall for each other. Whether you’ve been in love with someone for a while or got caught up in the heat of a moment, knowing what you should do when you hook up with a friend’s ex can help you navigate an innately messy situation a little more mindfully.

“There’s no one way to handle this. It really depends on the people, personalities, and feelings involved,” dating coach and dating app expert Meredith Golden tells Elite Daily. “No one likes to hurt someone’s feelings, and no one likes having their feelings hurt or feeling betrayed [by a friend].”

As Meredith shares, the first step in moving forward can be thinking about the relationship your friend had with their ex. Did they go on a couple of awkward dates and realize they were better off as friends? Did they seriously date for three years until your friend caught the ex cheating? Knowing how serious the relationship was, and moreover, how it affected your friend can help you move forward in the most compassionate way possible.

Woman hugging her depressed friend at home, closeup. Young girl supporting her crying girlfriend. Friendship consoling and care, copy space
Shutterstock

“If you hooked up with your college roommate’s boyfriend from seventh grade, this probably isn’t going to cause heartbreak,” Golden says. “If you hooked with [your best friend’s] first love, this is a very different scenario.”

If your friend dated the ex a while ago or they’re clearly over the breakup, they may be able to move on with ease. However, if the ex really hurt your friend or it’s clear your friend is still in love with them, coming clean about the hookup may take a lot of time and care.

“It comes down to righting a wrong, so to speak,” Golden says. “Put yourself in your friend’s shoes.” You know your friend, and you know the best ways to communicate with them. Whether you ask your friend to talk in person or give them a phone call, Golden shares to think about how you would feel if your friend hooked up with your ex.

In addition to thinking about your friend’s relationship with their ex, Golden suggests considering the nature of your relationship with your friend. “It also depends on how close the friendship is,” Golden says. “If it’s someone who you were once really close with but now only talk to once a year, this is different than your [current] ride-or-die friendship.” If you and your friend aren’t super close, or if you haven’t talked in a while, chances are you’ll address the hookup differently than you would with your all-time BFF. While there’s no cut-and-dry answer for how to move forward, Golden emphasizes being as empathetic as possible.

Golden also shares that it can be helpful to think of your intentions with the hookup. Was it a late-night, one-time thing that is never going to happen again? Have you secretly been in love with the ex the whole time and waiting for this to happen?

Thinking about where you and the ex stand after the hookup can help you get through the awkwardness. “Would your friend want to know?” Golden says. “This should guide the aftermath.” If you kissed your friend’s ex because it was Mardi Gras, and it honestly didn’t mean anything, and you’re literally never going to see them again, it may be easier to forget the hookup ever happened. Of course, if you’re starting to have feelings for a friend’s ex or you want to make the hookup a relationship, it may be helpful to talk to them about it before anything more happens.

“The right thing to do would be to discuss this thoroughly with your friend,” Trina Leckie, host of the Breakup BOOST podcast, tells Elite Daily. “If you care about your friendship, you will respect your friend and their feelings.”

Shot of pretty young woman supporting and comforting her sad friend while sitting on the sofa at home.
Shutterstock

Leckie adds that if your friend didn’t have strong feelings for their ex or dated the ex a long time ago, they might be totally OK with you shooting your shot. “The only way this would be acceptable is if your friend actually encouraged you to do this before you took the step to get involved with them on any level,” Leckie says. “But it absolutely needs to be ‘approved’ by your friend in advance.” While you can do whatever feels right for you and your love life, if maintaining your friendship is important to you, it’s essential to keep your friend in the loop.

Listen, your love life is yours. You get to decide who you hook up with, along with where, when, and how. While no one is allowed to make you feel judged or ashamed for consensually hooking up with another adult, if you got frisky with your friend’s ex, putting yourself in their shoes may help you all move forward.

 

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48 Women Share Things Men Write On Their Dating Profiles That Are Instant Deal-Breakers

Consider this an unapologetically brutal crash course in how NOT to carry yourself on dating apps.

    • 1
      Face - Chlaramydia, 21 Aidy, 26 less than a kilometer away less than a kilometer away

  • 2
    Text - Picture of guy flipping off the camera "Swipe left if..." The use of words or phrases that imply a lot of previous drama (petty, sick of games, etc) "I never message first..." Guys who throw themselves a pity party in their bio/obviously have no self confidence

  • 3
    Text - "Is every woman on here shallow? Prove me wrong!" "Just a super nice guy looking for his one true love" Or if they write an entire profile full of spelling mistakes. "I'm hear 4 a good tiem, hmu"

  • 4
    Cheezburger Image 9055564544

  • 5
    Text - "I'm probably more awesome than you." A friend wanted to know why he was never getting girls. This was on his page. I told him if I saw this I'd see it as a major red flag and indication of negging to come.

  • 6
    Cheezburger Image 9055565056

  • 7
    Text - pictures of your children or even worse, someone else's kids. I get it that people want to be upfront about having kids, but I find it extremely weird that people post pictures of their children on dating sites. And other peoples kids? Even weirder and much more creepy. Just don't...we can read from your ile if you have kids or not.

  • 8
    Text - Of course this doesn't just go for guys - but people in general. Saying, "I'm funny, nice, motivated", etc., is a huge turn off. Instead, say something funny in your profile, make yourself come off nice - don't self proclaim yourself positive adjectives - let others be the judge of that. That's not humble, 'nice', or funny. There's a lot of that in profiles around my area.

  • 9
    Text - A list of NO NO fatties NO feminists No uglies NO asians NO tattoos NO piercings NO trannies NO Cool. Coolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcool. Clearly you're a catch. Gonna move on and faaaar away And the ones who brag about alpha male red pill meninist bull. Hello red flag! Not written but when the only pictures are blurry shots of multiple men drinking beer? Nope

  • 10
    Text - Complaining about having gone on dates with women who didn't "look as good" as their profile pictures, or demanding proof that profile pictures are up-to-date or pictures are not taken by a professional photographer. Basically being presumptuous /bitter/ accusatory that women misrepresent themselves in their profiles, which wastes his time. So entitled and dehumanizing! Yet surprisingly common.

  • 11
    Text - The use of emojis in the profile or conversation. "Just a super down to guy..." "I don't really read much because I'm so busy at the gym....does men's fitness count? Lol" "Looking for a step mom for my kids." "Suuuuuuuuper sarcastic so if you don't get my humor, oh well." The worst is if we ever get to the point of talking and my military career comes up - "oh yeah? I wanted to join the army, but I would punch a guy if he started yelling at me like they do." No, ass hat, you wouldn't. You

  • 12
    Text - "I'm a King looking for my Queen." Run. Do not walk. Run, from profiles that have this line or some version of this.

  • 13
    Text - School of Hard Knocks (just sounds like zero education for me), General Manager at "None of your Business".... just leave them blank Partner in crime, Tinderella, Unicorn (or any of the other tired phrases) Smoking in your pictures. One single picture, or super low quality, unflattering pictures... or several pictures that aren't you (like your food, memes, making fun of sports teams/politicians.... your vehicle... scenery) 420 friendly (I don't care if you smoke, but if you have 10 words

  • 14
    Text - Not a woman but I'm sure this one isn't gender exclusive. "I love to laugh." No shit? Bumme... I was really hoping to find my female Ben Stein. It's like saying "I'm a nice guy." If you can't think of enough about yourself that you feel the need to point out something you share with literally 99.9% of humanity you're probably REALLY boring.

  • 15
    Text - Once had some guy message me. Checked his profile and it was a lot of ranting about how women never give him a chance, are all sluts looking to date assholes, etc. A couple of his profile pictures contained pictures of him showing off various weapons. reply

  • 16
    Text - Men of Reddit, how many of you deleted your shirtless selfies and fixed the "your"s in your profile after reading this thread?

  • 17
    Text - Honestly I saw this once: God and Jesus are my life. Looking for my future helpmeet. If you think you're strong and independent, keep moving. Women like that will never submit to their godly husbands as the Bible commands. And on the other end of the spectrum, some guy messaged me to tell me that he WOULD carry on a conversation with me but my belief in a higher power shows a lack of intelligence on a deep level that "can't be fixed." Then why the FUCK would you message me at all??

  • 18
    Text - One guy who once copy-pasted the same creepy message (don't remember the contents as this was many years ago) to me and a friend complained about "high standards bitches" on his profile He didn't like me calling out his copypaste thing so he called me "another high standards bitch." General life pro tip, don't refer to women by derogatory names on a dating site profile.

  • 19
    Text - Making an inappropriate joke about my race on their profile/to me. Examples: "Praising the 'asain!. " "Darker the berry the sweeter the juice. "[A]sian persuasion " (<one i recieved yesterday on okcupid) no, please. no

  • 20
    Text - "I just want someone who can hold an intelligent conversation." Every single guy I've come across that says this usually means "I want to talk about things I'm interested in and nothing else."

  • 21
    Text - Anything along the lines of "just tired of games" or "looking for someone who is real" You sound like a whiney person who has some serious baggage.

  • 22
    Text - "over 6' since apparently that fucking matters" "Just in town for x days" "Tacos and beer and whiskey" Emoji lists Pointing out that you're into fitness as if I couldn't tell by the fact that all your photos are gym selfies

  • 23
    Text - I once saw a profile where the dude literally threatened to find you online and post all the raunchy selfies you shared with him if things went sour. Like seriously? Who exactly is your target audience? But mostly it's just blank profiles. I always skip them

  • 24
    Text - For me it was when they said yes to "drinks often" I always wanted and alcoholic. also never messaged anyone back who posted pictures of their kids on their profile. I am proud of mine and I love him but I would never put his picture on my page. Hell, no one even got to meet him until weeks or months in. Those sites are for adults and believe me, there are a lot of weirdos. Keep your kids pics private.

  • 25
    Text - "No fatties" I have no issue with peoples personal preference but that is just rude. If you are uninterested in overweight people just don't talk or engage with those people

  • 26
    Text - Maybe it's because of my advanced age (late 30's), but MOST of the men wait until we are on our first date before admitting that they are actually older than what they stated on their profile. I even state CLEARLY on my profile for men to not message me if they are lying about their age. Don't waste our time. Sheesh

  • 27
    Text - Late to the party but I have seen SO many guys put things like "RIP Grandma 6.2.17" Yes, Tinder is totally the place to remember your deceased grandmother.

  • 28
    Text - "Djrtjenfrognsskganfkdsnfsjdkfbdnd" I'll fill that bit in later. (never does) "Nobody ever reads this part" "Loves to go out partying every weekend with the boys" Any topless picture, bad spelling, bad grammar, text talk, complaining about what kind of woman he doesn't want, pictures of his car, pictures of a random expensive item of clothing, pictures of himself at the gym" "Wants to date but nothing serious"

  • 29
    Text - "Not into weird stuff" Probably most definitely is into weird stuff.

  • 30
    Text - I'm a happily married woman but reading this treasure trove of horror stories makes my husband and me want to create a dummy profile just to look through all this. At the same time, I'm terrified of who I know that we'd see.

  • 31
    Text - Bad grammar. OMG. Put your best foot forward. Not you're

  • 32
    Text - This is what happens when you've been together too long... I asked my wife what I could put on my dating profile that would make her not want to date me. She put down her book, lowered her reading glasses, looked me straight in the eye and said "Stop surfing reddit and take out the damn garbage!"

  • 33
    Text - After reading this: I found out I'm doing a pretty good job with my dating profile and I do the conversation thing pretty well too. It's too bad I'm ugly EDIT: THANK YOU FOR THE GOLD, KIND STRANGER! First time ever!

  • 34
    Text - For pictures: When all of your tinder pictures are with other girls or poor attempts to crop your ex out. Edit: I'm taking about every single photo here people.... Either A) you have no good pictures of yourself without your ex. (Which is a frequent case unfortunately) B) you are trying to portray yourself as being able to get a lot of girls, so you deliberately post pictures of yourself with only groups of girls.

  • 35
    Text - "Fluent in sarcasm." I think this one's unisex Translation-- I'm not funny, but I've convinced myself that the reason nobody laughs at my jokes is that they're just too intellectual and edgy for a mainstream audience. I'm also put off by a huge wall of "favorites." Maybe this isn't as much of an issue in the Tinder age (I've been out of the game for a couple of years) but I used to see a ton of guys who would list, like, two hundred favorite movies or bands. It's a good sign that he's goi

  • 36
    Text - I'm most turned off by men that have a very specific set of "rules" or "priorities". It makes it sound like they're saying "this is the space in my life that you are expected to fill, don't deviate from this" I was most attracted to a man that had a profile that described himself humbly and with humour. I was also very drawn to the profile picture with a big friendly smile. It felt like he was showing me his authentic self. Getting married next year. :)

  • 37
    Text - Really any list of people you don't want to date. It just makes you look like an asshole...just filter out who you don't want. Admittedly I haven't been single in two years so I'm not sure if men are still doing that, but if they are, stop it.

  • 38
    Text - The shirtless pic of you in your bathroom mirror. The group picture with no indication of who you are I'll assume you are the least attractive person in that picture and you are trying to use your more attractive friends to get me to click on your profile (frequently that seems to be the case). That irritates me since it feels like you are trying to pull a bait and switch edit: So apparently the group thing is something women are also guilty of. I'm sure it is irritating regardless of gen

  • 39
    Text - Okay I haven't seen this yet but when guys take a picture of themselves where the camera is angled UP at their face from their lap...?? Nothing is more unattractive than a guys sudden double chin and uninterested glare, it's the worst angle for anyone! It's the same look women get if they look up while giving a blow job. It's not the best way to show off your face, guys.

  • 40
    Text - Personally, I can't stand the "Bet $20 you swiped left" or "What's the point, you'll swipe left anyway" I will not end up pity swiping right or because I want to prove you wrong. And anything about dogs always being "number one" or "must love dogs" is so overused it seems pretentious. Jokes on them because cats are the true overlords anyway.

  • 41
    Text - I think it's hilarious that 40+ guys are reporting they don't have kids but want them in the future. They clearly are interested in women that are 10 years their junior. Swipe left I also read.... "no drama" it leads me to believe if you have to state you don't want drama your life is already filled with it. Swipe left. When did so many men become near professional athletes? So many talented mountain bikers, triathletes, yogis, extreme marathoner, ski, hike etc. I get tired just reading t

  • 42
    Text - About me: "Just ask" Likes: "Idk, lots of stuff lol" Either that, or "I'm a true gentleman just looking for a real lady." Self-proclaimed gentleman are usually damaged, doormats, or wish reality was like TV-1950s. But the worst - the actual worst - only reveal themselves after you start messaging. The ones who make you carry the whole conversation. They never ask questions, even when they were the ones who initiated, and they give one-sentence answers. The worst.

  • 43
    Text - Blank profiles. Profiles that make it clear you are deeply full of yourself. Ones with shirtless mirror photos. Edit: Wow. First comment over 10k upvotes Thanks, all!

  • 44
    Text - Complaining about exes on the profile is a big deal breaker for me.

  • 45
    Text - god family ball grind gains goals hmu) for you geezers... hmu stands for "hit me up"

  • 46
    Text - Bad grammar. Saying you like to party as if that's your favourite hobby. That weird review thing they do like "best guy ever - the times" or something.

  • 47
    Text - "Get at me!" "Just chillin hmu" A list of emojis I'm supposed to decipher that explain who you are "420 is my middle name" (not against it, just don't care for it IMO) "I'm really 19 not sure why it says 26 haha )" Edit: Oh, and I just saw one that simply says, "My dick is 9" l'll prove it ;)"

  • 48
    Text - Anything that insinuates you're too good to be on [insert dating site here]. If you were really too good for Tinder, you wouldn't be on Tinder.

  • 49
    Text - Not on the profile, but when they msg you out of nowhere and the first thing they say is sexual. I legitimately had a guy msg me, "I want to shoot in your mouth" as a first msg Never saw or heard from the guy before and THAT'S how he thinks it would be appropriate to start a conversation. I mean really. Edit: this did not happen on tinder

 

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Cherie – Chapter 63 – I’m Kind Of Mad

“So I’m kind of mad.”

“What happened?”

“I’m horny and angry because I can’t have any.”

“I think it’s good you’re horny again.”

This is the nymphomaniac girlfriend that had hit the kill switch a month ago.

“Well I’m mad.”

“I love you no matter what.”

“I know. I love you too.”

The day passes, She sends me and emoji of a girl humping a rock.

“That rocks!”

“Me… all day.”

“Aww! You need to take care of that, dear!”

“No. You do.”

“I promise I will, sweetheart.”

“I can’t wait. It’s too long and my hormones are raging.”

“It’s been pretty sudden. What brought back your sex drive?”

“I’m horny. I don’t have time for games.”

I don’t know what this means and she hasn’t answered my question.

“But what brought back your drive?”

“I’m off my period and I’m horny. I need to feel you inside of me.”

This is all wonderful news to me but she’s been chilly to me last weekend. I need to pay close attention to her cycle. She gets moody, gets her period, is chilly and then changes back into the woman I fell in love with a year and a half ago.

“I love it! My girlfriend!”

I love the nympho Cherie with the insatiable lust for sex.

“The suspense is killing me. This is my problem. I need it all the time.”

She’s back. Cherie the sexual animal has somehow returned. Problem is the beast returns and I won’t be able to see her and be with her to satisfy her lust for two weeks. I kind of don’t like that she does this a lot. She puts me off and then I get all of these super horny texts how she can’t live without sex and we’re two weeks out of any feasible contact.

It’s like she’s not thinking any of it through, but…. She’s a great girl and I love her so I’ll put up with whatever she’s going through.

But the crazy horny texts become tiresome when you know it is crystal clear that there is nothing I can do to satisfy her lust in this moment.

Why would you lay all of that sex on your man 40 miles away when you know there is absolutely NOTHING he can do about it?

She does this all of the time. It just makes me feel bad I can’t bang the frustration out of her and give her what her mind and body SO desires.

I know… you’re reading this and you’re all probably like: “Oh, this middle aged fucker with is sexual problems with his hot, fit, smart 28 year old girlfriend that he can’t get to out of distance. If I could have such problems.”

Cherie’s been distant and things are not completely even right now, but we’re fine.

But it actually makes me feel bad when her young libido kicks in and there is NOTHING I can do to help her with her plight. It sometimes almost feels a little bit selfish to tell me she needs me and she’s so suddenly so super horny and we are 10 days out of seeing each other.

But again… I look at guys my age and they don’t have these problems. So I will navigate this for the blog and because of who I am.

I’m blessed and so grateful to have sweet Cherie in my life.

“You’re an amazing girl! Perfect!

“No.”

“Well, I love you”

“I love you too, but I’m fucking horny.”

What 55 year old man wouldn’t love this from his 28 year old girlfriend? But there’s nothing I can do. Time, schedules and geography keep us apart. I have a clear understanding of all of this. She is simply torturing me and doesn’t even realize it. She’s simply being honest and raw in her emotions. I love her so much, and admire her raw response, but there’s nothing I can do to satiate her.

“I’ll take care of you.”

“But you can’t now.”

“I’m sorry honey.”

“I need to fuck so bad.”

This is coming from the girl I took to the movies on Saturday and was frosty to me for the second time.

“What are you going to do until he next time we meet on the 24th?”

“Cry.”

That’s killing me a little bit because I know Cherie’s back and she’s still a prisoner to her sex drive. I just need to channel her and please her. That’s all I can think of to do.

I take a risk.

“You should have last Saturday. You know I don’t mind swimming in the water during Shark Week.” (She was on her period so we went to the movies. Her idea, not mine. I like it all no matter how messy. I’ve seen it and done it all.)

“I didn’t want to and gross… I need it now.”

“I don’t know what to do Cherie. If you have any ideas, let me know how it can happen sooner than the 24th.”

She sends me a sad emoji. I decide to let her have it.

“What can I do??? You’re cold to me and then 2 days later you’re super horny and there’s nothing I can do but feel bad about it.”

I needed to draw the line. She’s done this shit before.

Cherie: “I’ve jerked off everyday since thinking about having sex with you. I can’t cum. Well, I can’t hit my climax.”

Okay. At this point she’s totally forgiven because this is my nyphomaniac girlfriend completely back. She’s ignored my admonishment and has responded with her brazen hoensty about how she is absolutely insatiable to be with me. My God. I love this girl and her devotion. She is completely devoured with thoughts of sex with me. I couldn’t pay someone to give me this at my age. All is forgiven. I am one lucky man.

“I feel sad, Cherie. I wish I could help you, Cherie.” (weak)

“I love you too!”

“If you can get down here before the 24th I’ll make that happen.”

She’s gone from the frigid girlfriend to the wanton animal. (I do love all of this thrust and parry)

“I’ll try to get down to Philly.”

Me: Heart emoji (weak)

“I need to fuck you so bad. I need to feel you inside me.”

“I’ll give you my best, love.”

“Promise.”

“I promise.”

“Ok.”

 

And it ends there for the night. It’s been a fascinating journey in this relationship. I love Cherie. She’s been the perfect girlfriend for me. Young, fit, smart, sexual athlete, and doesn’t want any more kids and most of all…hardly around.

I like to work and be busy and love my alone time. Cherie fits the bill for the perfect girlfriend for me.

But will I be able to sustain this?

I think I can. This love affair is unlike any I’ve ever known and Cherie is maybe the best woman I’ve ever met. There is a simplicity and calm in our life together. She has a complicated and busy life that is full of school, work and child rearing.

I, on the other hand have a simple singular life filled with work, social life and creativity.

Could Cherie and I ultimately work as a couple? No idea. I would probably stop smoking and drinking. That could be hard, but at my age I should probably give that shit up anyway and it wouldn’t be too difficult.

Cherie has such a good heart and has her education firmly ensconced along with her foothold at CHOP. She has a great future ahead of her. If she can pull it off and become a doctor she’ll live her dream.

What if I’m the one guy she met that was sweet to her and really loved her? I treated her well for years and she and I could be a couple? What if I finally met my soul mate? What if that happens?

There was that one time in Rittenhouse we were walking. She was wearing that outfit and she was half-naked. Back out. Sweet luscious legs out.

I looked at her and thought:

Wife.

Okay… Lets see what happens on the 24th.

 

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9 Mantras To Recite After Calling Off An Engagement As You Move On

Whether you’ve been thinking about walking away from your relationship for a while or you just realized you were meant to be with someone else, ending a long-term commitment to someone is difficult. And in the heat of all the stress and confusion, knowing some empowering mantras to recite after calling off an engagement can help you feel strong and stable as you start to move forward.

No matter who you are, if you realize that you’re not ready to get married, it’s always OK to take a step back to re-evaluate. At any stage of a romantic relationship, it’s important to listen to your heart and do what’s right for you. From taking some time away from your partner to discussing what you want your future to look like, your life is yours, and you get to decide the actions you take moving forward. While it may initially feel intimidating to take the next steps, if you don’t want to get married, following your truth can help you live a fuller and happier life.

If you’ve recently broken off your engagement and you’re feeling a little overwhelmed, these nine mantras can help you find clarity as you move on.

Portrait of beautiful young woman walking with umbrella under rain,raincoat
Shutterstock

1. I’m doing what’s right for me in this moment.

If you start second-guessing yourself or you’re wondering if you did something wrong, remember that you are doing what’s right for you at this very moment. Things may change in the future, and if that happens, you’ll be ready for it. Prioritizing your mental health and happiness can be a really good thing.

2. It’s OK if someone doesn’t understand why I’m doing this.

You don’t need to validate or justify your choices to your ex-fiancé’s sister’s boyfriend, your old college roommate, or whoever the heck else. You know what’s right for you, and that’s all that matters. Not everyone is going to understand your actions, and honestly, not everyone needs to.

3. I will not feel ashamed for following my heart.

While it may feel painful in the moment, taking steps to live your truth is honestly something to celebrate. This isn’t anyone’s “fault,” and you don’t need to blame yourself for calling it off. You never need to feel ashamed about doing what’s right for you.

4. I will only share what I feel comfortable sharing.

People may have a million questions about what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. Though you may want to discuss some of your feelings or actions with your loved ones, you certainly don’t owe anyone an explanation. No one is entitled to hearing all the details of your personal life. You can decide how much you want to share with whom, and how you go about sharing.

woman walking in the garden
Shutterstock

5. I will grow as I go.

You don’t know all the answers and you don’t need to know all the answers. You will figure it out as you go along. You will grow through this whole process. And you will listen to your intuition and do what feels right for you.

6. Healing looks different for everyone.

You get to process and heal in your own way and on your own timeline. Whether you need to get away for a while or want to spend time with friends and family, you get to decide what moving on looks like and how it happens. Healing looks different for everyone, and you get to follow your own heart.

7. I’m proud of myself for speaking my truth.

Following your heart and living your truth doesn’t make you a “bad person.” It makes you a brave person, and you should be proud of yourself for being true to who you are.

8. I deserve to be happy and fulfilled.

You deserve to feel happy, loved, and supported. You deserve to have the types of relationships that you want to be in. And in time, you will find everything that you’re looking for.

9. It’s going to be OK.

You are going to survive, you are going to get through it, and you are going to figure out what the best next steps are for you. While it may sound simple, reminding yourself that you are going to be OK can be incredibly affirming.

 

 

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Oh Crap, Now We Have To Worry About Being ‘Soft Ghosted’

Just when you got used to the cruel, crushing experience of being ghosted, there’s a new flippant, vaguely awful dating behavior to get used to: soft ghosting.

What fresh hell is this, you ask? Soft ghosting is essentially when someone “likes” your last message but never actually says anything. Technically, they did respond so they can maintain plausible deniability that they’ve ghosted you.

Overheard LA is seemingly the first source to call a thing a thing with this one.

** Check out our Story on @overhearduber for a chance to win a $250 uber gift card. Funniest submission wins Two Guys. West Hollywood. ‍♂️ Overheard by @bunnylikearabbit #softghosted #overheardla

Soft ghosting is basically ghosting with a thin veil of nicety. It’s texting purgatory, whereas hardline, original-recipe ghosting is just hell.

In action, it might look something like this. This poor fool (OK, it’s just me pretending to get soft ghosted with my sister’s help) had no idea that a double tap was the textual kiss of death.

Admittedly, this is a small potatoes problem. But our behavioral patterns are worth a little introspection sometimes. What compels us to play exhausting games like this when we could just own up to our disinterest?

“The simple answer is, we are animals designed to seek pleasure and avoid pain,” said Chantal Heide, a dating coach who’s based in Waterloo, Ontario. “I see this kind of communication all the time with my clients. Today’s communication has changed quite a bit as we try to balance phone life and real life.”

Everything is fast-paced these days, including our versions of rejection. Soft ghosting, any any stage of dating, is an easy out. That little thumbs-up softens the blow of the inevitable slow fade out. (While also leaving the door slightly ajar if you ever want to pop back in ― it’s a clever strategy, you have to admit.)

Soft ghosting doesn’t exclusively apply to romantic interests, of course. You can soft ghost anyone: your friends, your happy-hour-loving co-worker, your acquaintances.

Maybe your college roommate texts you: “I haven’t seen you in forever, let’s get together soon!” You, not wanting to do anything of the sort, come in quick with a double tap. Follow that up with deafening silence and you’ve effectively communicated, “Eh, hard no.”

Naturally, the sting of the soft ghost is worse when it’s a dating scenario.

In her dating life, Kandie Joseph, a blogger who runs the site Think Like Kandie, has been soft ghoster and the soft ghostee. (She, like Joni Mitchell, has seen both sides now, but instead of clouds and “dreams and schemes and circus crowds,” sub in deadbeat dates.)

“Once, I was talking to a guy who I felt wasn’t forward enough for me and didn’t initiate enough,” she told HuffPost. “He kept asking me where I wanted to go but at some point, I just wanted him to decide. He finally asked, ‘How about Starbucks?’ Instead of saying yes or no, I just ‘liked’ it. I thought it was better than insulting him with a ‘no.’”

I’ve soft ghosted and I’ve had it happen to me, too. It may be the nicest alternative, it may be the weak man’s out, but in my opinion it’s always clear as hell what they mean. Ariana Wist, a graphic designer in New York

When she was soft ghostee, she was chatting in-app with a Tinder match. (They hadn’t taken the conversation to text, so it was a low-level investment.)

“He was a really cool guy and it turned into a pretty deep conversation on the meaning of life, but then he ‘liked’ my comment and never replied,” Joseph said, laughing at the memory. “I got the hint!”

Modern dating can be crazy-making. To get through it, you have to learn to take no for an answer and no answer as an answer, said Ariana Wist, a single graphic designer in New York.

“I’ve soft ghosted and I’ve had it happen to me, too,” she said. “It may be the nicest alternative, it may be the weak man’s out, but in my opinion it’s always clear as hell what they mean.”

Here’s how to stop being a ghoster, soft or otherwise (and how to not take it so hard when you’re the ghostee).

The first step to disabuse yourself of your ghosting ways is to admit there’s a problem.

It might be a built-in behavioral pattern for you. A 2012 study published in the Journal of Research in Personality suggested that people tend to default to a few strategies when ending things.

“Open confrontation” is when partners are more or less transparent about their feelings and end things out in the open.

Others use the “cost escalation” strategy. “That would be like essentially making the relationship so terrible that your partner decides to get out,” Tara Collins, the psychology professor who wrote the paper, told Science Daily.

Then there are those who opt for an “avoidance” strategy. These people taper off contact, dodge requests to meet up and disclose very little about their personal life. (“Wyd?” None of your business!)

Soft ghosters clearly aren’t as cold or calculated as the cost escalation folks ― a double tap is actually kind of polite ― but their behavior lines up pretty neatly with the “avoidance” description.

Ultimately, the trepidation associated with telling the truth is understandable. But there’s something liberating, even refreshing, about being honest in a world of ghosts. (Or at the very least, telling a kind lie: “I loved getting to know you but I’m realizing I’m not in the right headspace to date rn. Will text if things change!”) Do that and you’re pretty much above reproach, Heide, the dating coach, told us.

“You might even sprinkle in a little about what’s positive about the other person,” she said. “And you should feel free to block anyone who isn’t taking the truth with grace.”

If you’re shaken over getting soft ghosted, try to take it in stride. Certainly in the moment, don’t jump to conclusions; give the other person some time to reply. Yes, we have the ability to communicate all the time, but that doesn’t mean we’re available all the time.

Maybe even ask yourself if you’re peeved out of a sense of entitlement.

“Singles sometimes feel a loneliness void that they fill by seeking validation from other people,” Heide said. “That can go wrong or turn to anger when that validation isn’t turning into the instant gratification we’re conditioned to expect with texting.”

Sure, it would be great if your date was into radical honesty, told you how they feel and didn’t waste your time. But at the end of the day, this person owes you nothing, especially after a date or two. No one “likes” to be passed over, but keep your head up; there are plenty of non-ghosting fish in the sea.

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16 Questions To Ask Your Ex To Get Closure & Know It’s Really Over

Breakups can feel like a big explosion scene in an action flick. They often happen so fast, with so many moving parts. When you stand back and watch it all, totally bewildered, you might find yourself wondering what the actual heck just happened. No matter how long you were dating your old flame, if you’re looking to better understand why you split, these questions to ask your ex to get closure may really come in handy.

Whether you and your ex had been fighting nonstop for a while or you thought you were going to be together forever, calling it quits with someone call cause 50 shades of confusion. But as Dr. Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and host of The Kurre and Klapow Show, previously told Elite Daily, creating a sense of closure can be especially important. This is especially true when you’re not sure why your ex broke it off, or you didn’t want your relationship to end.

“Getting ‘closure’ means getting information, getting questions answered, and then pulling all that information together to create a narrative that makes sense to the individual,” Dr. Klapow shared.

 

Young Asian lesbian couple argue and turn their back to each other in the period of sad in the bedroom. LGBT couple sulky to another in the bedroom with a sad mood. LGBT lover emotion concept.
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1. I need to process that we’re no longer together — can we take a break from talking and texting every day?

2. Can you walk me through what happened, from your perspective?

3. Moving forward, what do you need from me?

4. Do you feel comfortable talking about why it ended right now, or do you need time to process?

5. What positives did you take away from our relationship?

6. Are you interested in staying friends?

7. What did you learn from our relationship?

8. I have a lot of questions about the way things ended, so can we set up a time to talk about it?

9. Do you have anything else you want to say to me?

10. How have you been processing everything?

11. Did you feel seen in our relationship?

12. Do you feel like you’re healing from our breakup?

13. What types of relationships are you looking for in the future?

14. Why do you think our relationship ended?

15. Could we have done anything differently?

16. Can I still ask you to hang out, or do you need to take some time and space?

 

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Signs You Could Be Dating An Alcoholic

They need help

DRUNK WOMAN (Daily Nation)

Some people are so good at masking their real selves when they want to achieve something. That’s why it’s possible to date an alcoholic without knowing it. And by the time you know the truth, you will have tied the knot and a divorce is not always an easy decision.

When dating, you need to have your eyes wide open so that you know your partner well enough. It’s unlikely that they will come and tell you that they are struggling with alcohol. It’s upon you to watch out for the signs and make a decision.

If your partner portrays these signs, it’s possible that they are alcoholic:

1. They are always looking for an opportunity to drink

drunkdrunk

An alcoholic will even celebrate the smallest achievement with alcohol. When you have a small fight, they will go out drinking in order to release stress. It means they depend on alcohol to cope with the ups and downs of life.

2. They do not stick to one brand

Most people who take alcohol have a particular brand which they stick to. If your partner is not one of them and takes anything that is available, you need to get worried. Alcoholics do not care what they drink so long as it makes them drunk.

3. They have problems related to drinking

Signs you are dating an alcoholic Signs you are dating an alcoholic

If your partner has ever lost a job or done something humiliating due to drinking and they still won’t stop, they have a problem. They know how much drinking has cost them but still won’t stop because they are already addicted.

4. Withdrawal symptoms

Alcoholic signs

 

Does your partner often complain of headaches, nausea or anxiety after going a few days without drinking? That’s a telltale sign that you should never ignore.

5. They have a high tolerance for alcohol

After downing three beers, you already are feeling tipsy. But your partner is on their eighth and show no symptoms of being drunk.

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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