Tales of Rock: Insane Stories From Aerosmith’s Drug-Fueled Rise To The Top – Part 2

Tyler Remembers Being Embarrassed After Getting Too High To Perform

Steven Tyler has had several stints in rehab, but his most rampant drug use occurred throughout the ’70s and ’80s. Tyler remembers getting so high while he was performing that he frequently passed out on stage. Tyler told NME:

I can remember one time I fell down and my foot kept going like this [shakes foot wildly] and this guy carried me off and I went “I just drank too much.” I was embarrassed. I literally couldn’t finish the show.

He added, “We just got caught up in it. We were too rich, too young, too dumb. That’s all. I just got caught up in it, I loved it. I went too far with it.”

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Photo: Does the Noise in my Head Bother You?/Amazon
Steven Tyler Kept His Drugs In A Drum On Stage

Steven Tyler and the gang already had a roadie whose sole job was to give them continuous bumps of cocaine, but that wasn’t enough for Tyler, who kept his stash in a drum on stage.

“I kept my medicine cabinet on stage, in a 14-inch drum head, the bottom of which contained… one Dixie cup with a straw and blow in it and the other with Coca-Cola and Jack Daniels in it,” he wrote in Does the Noise in My Head Bother You?

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Photo: daigooliva/Wikimedia Commons/CC BY-SA 2.0
The Band Wouldn’t Sleep With Groupies For 10 Days Before Going Home To Their Wives

For Aerosmith, cheating on their wives and girlfriends wasn’t so much a moral dilemma. The only real issue was getting caught. To prevent this, the band had a rule that no one would have sex for 10 days before the end of a tour. This allegedly gave them enough time to refuel their “reserves.”

 

“You didn’t have sex for 10 days at the end of tour, but that was so you’d be sure to go home with a full cup of chowder. If you didn’t, you were definitely suspect,” Tyler told Elle.

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Photo: US Navy photo by Photographer’s Mate 3rd Class Christopher B. Stoltz/Wikimedia Commons/Public Domain
Steven Tyler Fell Off Stage And Had To Be Airlifted To A Hospital

In 2009, a 61-year-old Steven Tyler found himself within inches of death when he fell off a stage during a performance in Rapid City, South Dakota. The singer had been snorting the sleep aid Lunesta when he took a tumble. Tyler was airlifted to a local hospital where he got 20 stitches in the back of his head and discovered that his shoulder was shattered.

 

“I was doing the Tyler shuffle and then I zigged when I should have zagged…AND I slipped, and as I live on the edge… I fell off the edge,” Tyler said in a statement.

 

The singer managed to finish the song like a pro, but the band had to cancel their tour. Tyler, who has a titanium knee from a previous stage accident, was “grateful” that he didn’t break his neck and later admittedto being high during the accident.

ROCKThe Best Aerosmith Albums of All Timesee more Aerosmith lists
Joe Perry Played Guitar On An Unsettling Song By Serge Gainsbourg
Ranker Video
Video: YouTube

Aerosmith aren’t strangers to singing about attraction to family members, but “Janie’s Got a Gun” doesn’t hold a candle to French pop singer Serge Gainsbourg’s song “Lemon Incest,” a duet about interbreeding sung with his young daughter in far-too-intimate tones. When translated into English, the lyrics read “Exquisite outline, delicious child, my flesh and blood/Oh my baby, my soul/incest lemon, lemon incest.” The video featured a shirtless Gainsbourg lying in bed with his daughter. Joe Perry lent his guitar skills to the track.

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Joe Perry Claims Steven Tyler Tried To Get Involved In One Of His Relationships

When Joe Perry was 21 years old, he had an affair with actress Judy Carne, who was 11 years his senior. Judy opened his eyes to a new world of sex, drugs, and rock and roll. She had a doctor’s bag that was filled with cocaine, pill bottles, powders and syringes. Most of her drugs were totally legal, prescribed to her by a doctor. She even managed to get a prescription of cocaine.

 

This was all very attractive to Steven Tyler, especially because Carne was generous when it came to sharing her drugs. According to Perry, Tyler not only wanted to get into her stash, but he wanted to have a threesome and repeatedly called Perry hoping to be invited over. During this time, Carne was bed-ridden because of an injury, and Perry wasn’t having it.

 

“I now sensed that Steven wanted to get into her doctor’s bag — and maybe get into something else. I never invited him over,” Perry recalled in his memoir Rocks: My Life In and Out of Aerosmith. “Forced to stay off her fee, Judy was naked most of the time and didn’t want company. I had no interest in a threesome and neither did she. We just wanted to be alone.”

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Photo: FOX
Steven Tyler Never Told His Band He Was Joining ‘American Idol,’ And They Were Furious

Steven Tyler wasn’t in a good place with his bandmates when he started thinking about being a judge on American Idol. The Aerosmith singer had recently undergone surgery after falling from a stage and being taken to a hospital. None of his bandmates visited him during his recovery, which definitely soured the singer. His bandmates weren’t too thrilled either when they found out Tyler had taken the job behind their backs. Joe Perry reported to the Boston Herald that he discovered Tyler’s new gig through the internet “like the rest of the world.”

 

Tyler’s bandmates were furious that the singer became an American Idol judge without telling them, and they consistently threatened to replace the singer in their project of 40 years.

 

“It’s his business, but I don’t want Aerosmith’s name involved with [American Idol]. We have nothing to do with it,” Perry said in an interview. “[Idol] is a reality show designed to get people to watch that station and sell advertising… it’s one step above Ninja Turtles… [You’ve got] four guys that are great together, and if you find the right singer, there’s no reason you can’t go and entertain people,” he added.

 

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Tales of Rock: Insane Stories From Aerosmith’s Drug-Fueled Rise To The Top – Part 1

Just how much did Aerosmith embrace the sex and drugs typically associated with a rock-and-roll lifestyle? Well, if it’s any indication, enigmatic front man Steven Tyler estimates he blew through a whopping $20 million on drugs. Their drug use was so notorious that Steven Tyler and Joe Perry were labeled the “Toxic Twins.”

Most of Aerosmith’s stories of debauchery take place long before most people ever heard the now-legendary “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” in the Armageddon soundtrack. The ’70s and ’80s were the band’s most hedonistic years, during which Tyler and Perry would swap women as wantonly as they would swap drugs. They even hired a roadie just to sneak cocaine under their noses during live shows.

Since their height of fame, Tyler appears to have come out on the other side and sticks to a strict 12-step program after numerous stints in rehab. That doesn’t erase the over-indulgent, mind-boggling toxic twins stories of Aerosmith’s past. Here are some of the craziest, most unbelievable shenanigans the band carried out in their nearly 50-year career.

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Tyler Remembers Sharing Women – And STIs – With Perry

Aerosmith, like most rock bands of the ’70s, were known for the sheer amount of groupies they worked their way through during their chart-topping career. Even though there were certainly enough women to go around, sometimes the band members decided to share. This didn’t always go in their favor. In fact, after one group love-making session, Steven Tyler and Joe Perry woke up in the same bed only to find out later that everyone had developed an STD.

 

“I remember one night on the road when Joe and I were sharing a bed with two girls and woke up in the morning with a seafood blue plate special…” Tyler wrote in his memoir Does the Noise in My Head Bother You? “Crabs for everybody!”

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Perry And Tyler Confirmed The Band Had A Roadie Whose Sole Job Was To Give Them Cocaine

The guys from Aerosmith were the kind of rock stars who didn’t wait until after the show to party. Both Joe Perry and Steven Tyler hired a roadie whose sole job was to give them bumps of cocaine during their set.

Joe [Perry] had vials of coke with straws in them at the back of the stage, and when the lights would go out he’d go over there like he was checking something or making a guitar change and [a roadie] would put the straw in his nose; he’d take a hit, then the lights would come on again,”

Tyler wrote in Does the Noise in My Head Bother You? Perry confirmed this fact to NME:

“Yep,” he said when asked if Tyler hired a roadie to give them coke on stage. “We’ve done everything… stuff happens man, and we’ve done it and managed to survive. We’re lucky.

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They Once Got Arrested And Narrowly Evaded Serious Jail Time By Ditching Their Drugs In The Police Station

Aerosmith’s drug habits were so notorious that it’s unsurprising they had a few run-ins with the law. One of the most nerve-wracking was when they got pulled over, arrested, and taken to the police station with drugs in their pockets.

 

Bassist Tom Hamilton recalled the incident. The band was driving around the New Jersey Turnpike in a rented van. Each of them had drugs in their pockets when they were pulled over by the police. After a search, the officer spotted a marijuana seed in the car. He handcuffed the five of them and hauled them off to jail.  They were handcuffed to a railing in their cell so they were a fair distance apart from each other. So how did they get out of it? A little bit of luck and a little quick-thinking.

 

“Brad actually had two bags of pot,” Hamilton told NME.

There was a room right adjacent to where we were handcuffed and there was an empty room, lights were off. Steven said “Gimme the pot, Gimme the pot,” and he just chucked two bags of pot into this room. Then we waited a while. Then a detective or somebody came down, flicked the lights on and said “Okay, time to fingerprint you guys.” So, we all went in one by one to get finger printed and everybody could see where the pot was, but the police didn’t.

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Photo: Baying At The Moon/Amazon
Angry Crew Members Used The Band’s Catering As Toilet Paper

Aerosmith band members were big stars with big personalities. No doubt their wild antics were a lot to handle – especially for the people in charge of making their shows run smoothly. Sometimes, the crew would get really angry and retaliate in the most disgusting of ways, or so Tyler remembers. Apparently, some scorned crew members would regularly wipe their butts with the bologna on Aerosmith’s catering tray and put it back for the band to consume like nothing ever happened.

 

“I found out years later (through a crew member confessional) that when the techs would get pissed off at the band, they’d wipe their ass with the bologna and put back on the deli tray,” Tyler wrote in Does the Noise in My Head Bother You?

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How to Tell if Someone Has a Crush on You

Practical Ways of Detecting Secret Admirers

You may suspect one of your friends or coworkers is interested in asking you out on a date.

This is either good or bad news, depending on the circumstances, and your feelings.

Obviously, not all crushes are welcome or healthy.

Some progress into unrequited love —which I have dealt with for years in my professional life prosecuting stalkers. But some crushes are harmless, and some are reciprocal.With reciprocity, however, comes insecurity.

Your crush-detector begins to waver when you are already interested in the other person because you have traded in your reading glasses for rose-colored glasses, making it harder to accurately interpret signals indicating interest.

The good news is that there are some objective ways to determine whether or not someone has a crush on you. Here are a few ways to tell.

Proximity: The Not-So-Secret Admirer

You might remember this from grade school.

Someone who likes you wants to be around you. The fellow student who snagged the desk next to you in a class or found a way to squeeze into your table in the school cafeteria might now be the fellow coworker who grabs a seat next to you in the lunchroom, or the neighbor who joins you at the counter at the corner coffee shop or deli. But how do you know it is not just coincidence?

A potential suitor who pursues getting-to-know-you through proximity might not be obvious about his or her intentions due to insecurity or social awkwardness. Nonetheless, these people will likely do or say something to ensure you know they are there — from asking if the seat is taken, to saying hello, to finding another reason to spark (even brief) conversation. About what? Probably something you have mentioned to them in the past.

Selective Memory

Someone who is interested in you remembers what interests you.

From music, to travel, to favorite foods, a person with a crush wants to please you — often demonstrating selective memory through conversation. Someone who likes you remembers what you reveal about yourself. (This is also, by the way, why you should avoid revealing personal details to strangers.)

Someone with a crush on you will ask about topics or events you mentioned in passing. They want to know how you are enjoying the book you are reading, or the movie you said you were going to see over the weekend.

Admirers who know you fairly well ask about your family members and friends. The common denominator is their tendency to distinguish themselves from your other acquaintances by what they remember about you.

But hold on, don´t good networkers and politicians do the same thing?

You bet, which is why you need to examine more than one factor.

When it comes to selective memory, for example, potential suitors often act on the information you share. Ideally, this behavior is appropriately tailored to the setting.

A bag of peanut M&Ms left on your chair at work might be appropriate; a box of Valentine chocolate is not. Within more established relationships, two admission tickets to the county fair for you and your child might be appreciated, where a single ticket to the opera is inappropriate (guess who has the seat next to you).

Here is an interesting one. Do you ever take a lunch or a snack break with someone you suspect is interested in you? Pay attention to what they order.

When Snack Selection Reveals Affection

Xun (Irene) Huang and Ping Dong in “Romantic Crushes Promote Variety‐seeking Behavior” (from 2018) demonstrated through a series of studies that having a romantic crush increases variety-seeking consumption behavior. Apparently, as they explain, this stems from a desire to regain a sense of control — which is lost within the throes of an unreciprocated romantic crush.

Huang and Dong describe a romantic crush as the state in which someone has not communicated their feelings to the object of their affection, but has expectations for sparking a romantic relationship. A crush is therefore not a mutual relationship with reciprocal feelings of affection.

What types of foods did they test? In one study they found that participants with a crush expressed a more positive attitude to a flavored yogurt variety-bundle (containing five different flavors) than a single-flavor bundle. In another study they found that participants writing a story about their romantic crush selected more candy flavors offered to them afterwards than participants without a crush who wrote about a typical day.

How do you know if your variety-seeking lunch partner is experiencing a crush, but not on you? Good question. This is why we have to examine such behavior in combination with other indications of romantic interest.And sure, some people just believe variety is the spice of life and behave accordingly. But someone who reveals multiple different indicators in having a crush on you — probably does.

 

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California Dreamin’ – 1982 to 1984 – My Altamont Moment

We were playing this gig at the Roxy one night. May have been ’83 by then. Girls were never a problem. Anybody who doesn’t believe guitars are chick magnets has obviously never strapped on a guitar before. Anyway, we played all over the state, working pretty steady, staying in all manner of “band housing”. We were at a better-than-average club and doing our normal thing.

This particular night the bar was having a drawing for something, I can’t remember what. We were going to have a longer break than usual after one of our sets so they could use our PA to do the drawing. I went to the bar and was getting a coke. A rather attractive girl asked me if we did a certain song she liked, to which I nodded and replied “next set, I think”. Our drummer was standing there waiting on me, as he wanted to get in a game of pool while we waited for the drawing to get over. We went to the tables and he racked up the game. I was lining up my first shot when I heard “hey, asshole”. I, of course, looked up to see who was calling who an asshole. What I saw was what turned out to be the butt end of a pool cue coming at my face at rather high velocity. It caught me on the bridge of my nose. I’m done. I’m collapsed on the pool table, screaming, blood pouring from my face. The drummer tackled the guy swinging the cue as he was lining up for another whack at me. Then the singer (not a small guy) jumped in. They, with a bouncer, dragged the guy out thru the kitchen and behind the bar where they damn near killed him. Turns out the attractive girl who asked me about the song had an extremely jealous ex-boyfriend who was in the bar and saw her talking to me.

A couple days later, after the swelling went down and my eyes were able to open, she took me to dinner. She was really embarrassed over the whole thing. Just dinner, too. She had another boyfriend already, a cop. Who just happened to be the responding officer that night who ended up arresting ex-boyfriend for assault. Guess there were a few too many witnesses for him to claim self defense.

Rock n’ Roll!

 

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Tales of Rock – Slash is Having a Yard Sale — and there are Dinosaurs!

I love rock and I love dinosaurs!

Slash from Guns n Roses and Velvet Revolver

Well, it’s not really a yard sale, but the Guns n Roses and Velvet Revolver guitarist is unloading a bunch of his stuff at auction. As you might expect, there is a ton of his clothes and guitars, but what interested me was all the cool things he used to decorate his home.

From the auction description:

Ever the archetypal rock star and ranked as one of the world’s best guitar players of all time, Slash has spent years traveling the world and collecting various items which will now come to the auction block for the very first time. Some of his eclectic collection tells the story of Slash’s love of film, television and fast cars. Offered are items which include the bench from the “One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest” movie set (Est: $6,000-8,000), a South Park Pinball Machine (Est: $2,500-3,500), a 2007 Harley Davidson V-Rod VRSCAW Twin Racing Street Custom Cruiser (Est: $8,000-10,000), and the star of the show is his 1966 Corvette equipped with a big block 427 cubic inch V-8 engine with 435 horsepower, 4-speed manual transmission(Est: $90,000-$100,000).

When you make millions of dollars, you have to spend it on something, and it always amazes me to see how these celebrities blow their wad. Apparently, Slash likes dinosaurs. Nothing wrong with that. Check this out…

Slash dinosaur table

LOT 392: DINOSAUR FORM COFFEE TABLE

Slash must have had an entire dinosaur themed room since there are a bunch of lots of dinosaur models. I love the windup Creature from the Black Lagoon in this lot:

Slash dinosaurs collection

LOT 386: GROUP OF ASSORTED DINOSAUR ITEMS

Of course, every rocker needs some down time to unwind, and what better way to relax than to play some Asteroids…

slash - asteroids arcade machine

LOT 409: ATARI ASTEROIDS VIDEO ARCADE GAME

or pinball!

slash - south park pinball machine

LOT 406: SEGA SHOWCASE SOUTH PARK PINBALL MACHINE

Of course, this is the item any Slash fan would want in his collection:

Guns n Roses Slash top hat

LOT 380: SLASH WORN FELT TOP HAT WITH “JEWELED” SKULL AND CROSSBONES BAND

This is just a small sampling of the cool items from Slash’s personal collection that will be auctioned off later this month. Julien’s Auctions will be holding the auction on March 26, 2020, and you can bid now online.

 

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Tales of Rock – 5 Respected Musicians Who Were Actually Terrible People

Some musicians just have a freakish amount of talent. Most of us learn at a young age that we are not those people. The realization probably came as soon as you were old enough to read social cues and you tried showing off your amazing talents to anyone except your pet. (Daisy is a very good dog, but maybe not a very good judge of musical ability.) Those who do have that freakish amount of talent are the singer-songwriters, the people who can play any instrument they pick up, the ones who get lost in the music of their own making whether they’re in the studio or on stage. There’s something almost magical about listening to a true musical genius, and they’ve definitely earned our respect. But it’s easy to forget that behind all that music is a very ordinary person, and sometimes, that ordinary person is a terrible human being.

1. Johnny Cash’s troubles with women

5 Respected musicians who were actually terrible people

There’s a lot of dark stuff in Johnny Cash’s life, but let’s talk about just how horrible he was to women. Vivian Cash’s book I Walked the Line: My Life with Johnny was a heartbreaking tell-all detailing how she continued loving her husband even through the drugs and the affair with his more famous second partner, June Carter Cash. It was Vivian who gave him four daughters, raised them, and who stuck with him through the worst of the arrests and the accidental forest fires (via USA Today), but Johnny gave all the credit to June.

Behind closed doors, June Carter didn’t actually have it any easier, in spite of the storybook romance performed in the public eye. Biographer Robert Hilburn (via Esquire) says he was stunned when he found out Cash had cheated on her when she was pregnant with son John Carter. There were more than a few women, but the one that had to hurt the most was June’s own sister, Anita. John Carter has also gone on record talking about his parents’ less-than-perfect marriage, and has said (via Reuters) his mother’s drug addictions and descent into paranoia came from a near-constant fear he was cheating yet again. That fear spread to their son, who grew up well aware that his family could fall apart at any time because his father couldn’t stay faithful.

2. Chuck Berry’s icky past

5 Respected musicians who were actually terrible people

Chuck Berry was a legend who helped shape rock and roll, and when he died in 2017, The New Yorker described him as “a proud and difficult man” who “was also a genius.” He also once punched Keith Richards in the mouth for touching his guitar while they were getting together to organize Berry’s 60th birthday party. That’s the attitude that got him into all kinds of trouble, and Berry even had a name for those incidents: his “naughties.”

It started when, as a teenager, he did three years in a reform school for stealing cars and a bit of armed robbery. Fast-forward to 1962, when Berry was 36 years old. He was tossed in the clink for violating the Mann Act, a law that prohibits taking a woman across state lines with “immoral” intentions. Oh, and the girl was 14. He served 20 months of the three years he was originally sentenced to (via NPR), getting out because they appealed after the judge made racist comments.

Let’s not forget about the 1989 accusations, either. That’s when law enforcement raided his property and found a few weapons, some pot, and videotapes of women in what they thought was the privacy of bathrooms and changing rooms of his properties. The official suit, says Riverfront Times, accused him of filming women in compromising positions for “entertainment and gratification.” Berry’s camp eventually settled, but that seriously tarnishes any legacy.

3. Lead Belly’s penchant for violence

5 Respected musicians who were actually terrible people

Lead Belly died in 1949, and if you don’t remember him, you should at least be glad groups like Creedence Clearwater Revival and artists like Bob Dylan didn’t forget him. Even George Harrison once said, “No Lead Belly, no Beatles.” You know the songs he recorded, too — like “The Midnight Special” and “Goodnight Irene” (via The Telegraph).

Huddie Ledbetter was born in 1888, and he picked up the name Lead Belly in prison. He did several stretches in jail, starting with 30 days on a chain gang in 1915 for getting in a particularly violent fight. Two years later he was arrested again, this time for killing his cousin’s husband and nearly killing another. He was pardoned in 1925 but went back in jail in 1930, this time for stabbing and what Black History Now says was “assault with intent to murder.” It was during this stint he was discovered by a pair of musicologists who were recording songs for the Smithsonian, and Lead Belly recorded hundreds for them. The rest of his life was a combination of performing at venues of all sizes across the country, and more time in jail. There was another stabbing incident in 1939, assault in 1940 … you get the picture. He was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease only months before he died from it, and he left behind an incredible legacy. And some dead people.

4. Elvis’s underage flings

5 Respected musicians who were actually terrible people

It’s impossible to describe the effect Elvis had on music history, so let’s get right to the dirt. He was 21 when he became ridiculously famous with the success of “Heartbreak Hotel,” and after that, all bets were off when it came to how far he was going to go. Along with the fame and fortune came the admiration of countless women, but according to biographer Joel Williamson (via Broadly), there was a particular type of woman Elvis liked: the really, really young ones.

The right age to be an Elvis girl was 14, and when the 22-year-old megastar went on those early tours he took along a little group of 14-year-olds. Williamson says he was a huge fan of tickling and wrestling, along with everything else short of actual intercourse. Future wife Priscilla was 14 when they met (he was 24), and just what went on behind closed doors is debated. What’s not debated is that he lost interest in her after Lisa Marie was born, and went on to court another 14-year-old named Reeca Smith.

There was a bit of violence in Elvis, too. Years later, he was engaged to a 21-year-old who claimed he once pulled out a gun and put a bullet in the headboard of the bed she was sleeping in, saying it was “an attention getter.” The Guardian says in between those major relationships there were a ton of others, many with underage girls who preferably had tiny, tiny feet.

5. Frank Sinatra’s destructive temper

5 Respected musicians who were actually terrible people

Frank Sinatra was iconic on stage, but there was a lot of shady stuff that happened off-stage. Let’s talk about one part of that: his temper. According to The Telegraph, it was so bad that one of his wives once described him as a sort of Jekyll-and-Hyde character, and there’s a whole list of physical altercations he was involved in. First, the ones where someone got seriously hurt.

He punched a reporter in 1948, eventually settling the assault and battery charges filed against him. He was staying at the Beverly Hills Hotel when he threw a phone at a random businessman who was also there, and cracked the man’s skull. He nearly killed his then-wife Ava Gardner by throwing a champagne bottle at her so hard it cracked the bathroom sink.

Sinatra destroyed an insane amount of stuff, too, usually in fits of rage. He took a knife to a Norman Rockwell painting and shredded it, threw a malfunctioning TV out a window at Sands Hotel in Las Vegas, and smashed a car radio when The Doors’ “Light My Fire” came on. GQ says some of the stuff that met an untimely end under his boot was pretty priceless, too, like the Ming vase he destroyed at a Hong Kong hotel after someone missed a lighting cue. That’s what happens when you get too used to having things your way.

 

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5 Things He Needs To Feel Before He Can Fall In Love With You

Want to be in love forever?

If so, you first need to know how to recognize the real thing, since often, it’s the woman who sees it before the man.

As a relationship expert and love coach, I’ve found the primary indicator of real love is when your body, your heart & your mind all converge on the same undeniable truth: this man was made for you.

There’s also an unflinching awareness that you were made for him.

Basically, if you would bet your life (and his) that no other woman could ever love him better than you, then you’ve found the One.

But, let me warn you. Love is not easy. Once the starry-eyed phase has progressed into the inevitable power-struggle, that’s when the real work begins.

But it’s good work, and it provides the most direct access to intimacy.

Relationships are the most intense personal growth workshops that exist.

They’re the places you dive deep into your darkest shadow work. Love is not for the faint-hearted; it’s a gladiator sport. And that’s why I’m such champion for the highest, most resilient form possible, True Love.

You need a relentless, unshakable force strong enough to keep you doing the intense self-inquiry required to make a partnership effective, long term.

Your partner, if right, becomes a mirror for your magnificence and your myopias. A long-term relationship demands that you die into a more expansive version of you, and it can be terrifying (to your status-quo self).

Only True Love is strong enough to withstand the uncontrollable urge to run, to leave when it gets too hard.

And that is the point. Love is a sacred crucible for self-actualization. I believe it’s our fastest access to transformation.

This game is about rolling up your sleeves and getting down to those wounded areas in the basement of your psyche that you’ve been avoiding your whole life.

Here are some common reasons why you may not have found lasting love or marriage. Yet.

Listen for which statement(s) might apply to you:

  1. You treat men as if they’re more important or less important than you (both are equally dangerous & produce the same result, ie: he doesn’t feel met).
  2. You believe someone should love you “just the way you are” instead of seeking a partner who will stand for your greatest self.
  3. You want to be rescued—physically, financially, emotionally, intellectually.
  4. You’re riddled by shame, fear and hopelessness; you think true love is a fantasy that doesn’t exist.
  5. You’re desperately attached to being married with kids by a certain date, and looking for a good enough husband. Being in love is less important that being married.
  6. You’re unwilling to look at your own patterns that interfere with true intimacy.
  7. You’re ashamed of sexuality and have loads of unexplored guilt around it.
  8. You’re disconnected from your feelings & don’t share them openly with yourself or partner.
  9. You’re addicted to control and secretly want to have more power than he does.
  10. You’ve forgotten you’re a goddess, a creatrix and a high priestess deserving of love. If you don’t know you’re a Queen, you’ll never find your King.

These are the unproductive beliefs I had once, and often find in my female clients.

If any of these statements resonated for you, pay close attention to the rest of this article. If you don’t get these identified and handled, you may keep doing the same things over and over and never find your life partner, or worse.

 

If you want to have your dream guy fall in love and stay with you forever,

He has to experience the following five things first.

1) You as THE safest place for him to go on the planet.

Your arms, your eyes, your lap, those have to be a refuge for him. It can be a scary world to your partner’s inner child. If he doesn’t feel safe in your presence, he will not choose to build a life there, you can never be “home.”

However, if you become the safest place on the planet for his heart’s secret needs; he will never leave. You’ll continue to win over every other woman. Wherever his novelty-seeking eyes wander, he’ll always be called back to you.

 

2) He wants to feel like a hero.

This requires you to surrender to his strengths, wherever they are. Men want to feel trusted by their woman, that’s what they interpret as love.

This means you must learn to lean into his unique wisdom, his power and his support.  Trust is not earned, it can only be granted. Believe in his desire to serve you, nourish you and push you toward your wants.

Look for the hero in your partner, acknowledge, revere & appreciate that aspect. Men fall in love with the woman who lets him be her hero.

 

3) He wants to feel praised, not put down.

With your partner, reward good behavior and ignore bad behavior. What you put your attention on grows—it doesn’t matter if it’s positive or negative attention.

Do not use leverage, criticism or manipulation to get what you want; rather, invite a new behavior by making requests laced with trust and desire.

This is the feminine way to influence, seduce rather than coerce. Men hunger to be acknowledged for specific things, and in public, if possible.

Also notice how your ego may hold you back from sharing empowering, affirming feedback with your man, as an attempt to maintain leverage and power.

Power is not the currency of true love, open-hearted transparency is.

 

4) He wants to have a great sex life.

Keep developing yourself and your sexuality so you can share a non-shameful, exciting sex life. The litmus test of a relationship working long-term is their sex life. Sex makes or breaks relationships.

Like food, it’s not a luxury, it’s a staple and must be made a priority. If you want a guy to choose you to sleep with for the rest of his life, you have to learn to enjoy sex, share your needs, wants and fantasies, and be open to hearing his.

Constantly re-invent your sexuality together. Until these primal issues around sex and shame are explored openly with surgical sensitivity, they will haunt and undermine your relationship.

 

5) He wants to hear your truth.

Share your fears, pain, desires and dreams with him; in particular show him your humanity. He’s looking for a place where all his emotions are safe to land. If you cannot own and express your own emotions, you definitely won’t be able to help him with his.

 

For any relationship to really work, you have to get good at ‘feeling’ (not thinking what you feel, but actually feeling sensations in your body, in your somatic space). Many men don’t know how to feel their feelings and they’re unconsciously looking to their woman to teach them.

A man falls in love with the woman he feels most alive around. A woman creates a field of aliveness when she’s experiencing and expressing her emotion, without justification.

Learn to identify, map and name your emotional states, then practice sharing them. This can be scary, but it’s a crucial skill if you want to connect with your partner’s heart.

 

Now that we’ve explored the main experiences needed for a partner to surrender, we shall invoke the last requirement of a love that lasts forever- Faith.

Having Faith

Faith is the umbilical cord that connects you and your lover to each other and romantic success. Faith has no reasons, proofs or justifications.

It’s a blind resolve based on nothing but the unwavering belief in something you find true, good and beautiful.

Faith requires an unreasonable audacity. It is something you create in yourself, by yourself.

When you forget all the reasons for your love, or cannot feel the encouraging emotions in your body, faith is the only thing that keeps you going when the situation seems dark and hopeless.

Cultivating faith is a muscle and it must be practiced individually and privately when doubt tries to creep in.

As a woman, you are the emotional leader in your relationship, which is why it’s important to master these skills if you’re committed to a love that lasts.

Some things cannot be learned, except through creation. I invite you to take on becoming a creator of love, even in the face of fear.

True Love requires only one thing: that you believe in it.

I know somewhere deep inside you is an ember that burns with the knowing that true love exists; let’s blow on that ember & make a fire that fuels your own private fairy tale.

You can never have what you don’t believe in.

So believe.

 

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