Do Some People Think Women Have Higher Sex Drives Than Men?

Why do so many people think women have higher sex drives than men?

I know SOME women can have higher sex drives than SOME men. There are some women who frequently have an intense desire for sex — and there are men who don’t — but on average men definitely have stronger sex drives than women do. I think even most women would admit that.

The average man just naturally has a higher libido than the average woman. Men have 7 or 8 times higher testosterone levels than women do. That has a huge affect on sex drive.

Yeah, some women want more sex than their male partners, but in general the pattern goes the other way. Pretty much every study and every measure fit the pattern that, overall, men are hornier than women.

“WebMD concurs, noting that study after study shows men with the stronger sex drive”

“According to Marta Meana, psychology professor at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, data overwhelmingly show that, typically, men have a higher sex drive than women”
Why do some people think women have higher sex drives than men?

Studies on female-to-male and male-to-female transsexuals lend these findings additional credence.

A study of 35 female-to-male transsexuals and 15 male-to-female transsexuals also supports the impact of androgens on sex drive. In a longitudinal design that tested patients before and 3 months postoperatively, found a decrease in sexual interest and arousability among the male-to-female transsexuals, who were administered anti-androgens and estrogens. In contrast, the female-to-male transsexuals, who were administered testosterone, reported heightened sexual interest and arousability. 

These data highlight the importance of testosterone in producing meaningful changes in sexual arousal and interest, even over a relatively short time.


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Ambria – Chapter 1 – Ray of Light

“How dare you do this to Cherie?”

I met Ambria on Tinder. We mutually swiped right on each other and it was a match. I reached out first with a simple hello. She responded 15 minutes later saying how she liked the last few lines of my profile. (You know, the part where I say: “If we meet and you don’t look like your profile pics then you’re going to buy me drinks until you do.”) She said it gave her a good chuckle and that her photos are recent with the lot of filters.

I like this chick already. I tell her I think she’s funny and that I think she looks great. Then I ask my usual question: ” What prompted you to swipe right on my profile?”

“That’s an easy answer. You have a very nice smile (warm) and your eyes tell me that you are sincere. Now I could be totally wrong but that is what I saw in your pics. Not to mention I really enjoyed the last few lines, it really made me laugh.”

“It is all true. Thank you for getting my little poke at online dating on my profile. We should meet up!”

(Me going in for the early kill)

“Yes so we can see what else we see eye to eye on…”

“This week for lunch? Let me know when you’re available.”

“Lunch sounds great but I am working these next few days.”

“What type of work do you do? How about next week?”

“I’m a Nurse Practitioner. I’ll be leaving work early today and tomorrow around 1ish. Off Monday and Tuesday.”

“Nice. Any plans for this holiday weekend?”

“No. Just to relax and clean and maybe head to Main Street for dinner somewhere. Not necessarily in any order.”

So the weekend went by, and there was some light texts back and forth. I then tried to set up a lunch date for next week.

“Sounds like a plan to me. I can do lunch on Tuesday or Thursday next week. Any of those days for you?”

They both worked for me but I chose Tuesday, because for some reason I didn’t want to wait until Thursday.

“How about Misconduct Tavern Tuesday at noon 18th and JFK?”

“Perfect! Count me in!!”


“My cell is: xxxxxxxxx . Text when you get there.”

“Cool.” (I provide my number.)

So out of nowhere, it’s on. I like this girl. Something feels right about this. I’ve been on so many dates, and they all seem to disappoint. I never feel the connection. I’m always trying to make it work. We’ll see. She seems nice. Normal. I’m going to take another chance.

The Animator was a quick fail because she wasn’t ready. That’s just my opinion, but she still seemed to be sitting at that bitter table by herself. It feels like this lady likes me and is seeing something in me that she likes and hasn’t even met me yet.

(Spider sense is tingling.) And I like it.

Let’s see how tomorrow’s lunch goes. I’ve been hopeful before and it’s been grinding failure. But I’ll keep trying and see what happens with this one.

I’m sure you’re all wondering why this is happening in the midst of my relationship with Cherie.

Things are great between Cherie and me. But distance and time has been a factor for us. Cherie and I always feels like a ‘greatest hits album’ by an incredible band. But the day-to-day relationship stuff isn’t satisfying to the lead guitarist in this band. I love our music, but we need to practice and perform together on a regular basis. That hasn’t been happening, so I’ve decided to gig with another musician just to maybe fill in the gaps.

Judge if you’d like, and I welcome your words and even your scorn. I have nothing to prove to anyone ever again. I have to live my life the way I see fit and will do what I have to do to preserve my happiness.

Remember… the blog is called, phicklephilly.

I’m fickle. I love women. I’m a gentleman. But I’ve clearly established my character over the last two years.

Feel free to hop off, or enjoy the ride with me. It’s gonna get wild.


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30 shades again, and again and again!! — Sensuality, Sex & Something else

I guess I need to put in the disclaimer again…….There will be mention of spankings and orgasms etc and blah blah blah blah BUT..seriously it has been so difficult to write on this subject mostly because it is a very personal experience which involves the acting out of fantasies…. The first two chapters have been through many edits […]

via 30 shades again, and again and again!! — Sensuality, Sex & Something else


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36 Questions that Lead to Love

Are you sick and tired of day-to-day small-talk, filling your interactions with surface level chit-chat? I’ve been feeling like this for quite some time, and have explored various ways in which to foster more meaningful connections, with more people, more quickly!

I’ve researched people such as Brandon Stanton of Humans of New York, Kalina Silverman of Big Talk, and Dave Isay of StoryCorps. I truly feel a calling to somehow contribute to better relationships between people, with more depth and understanding of the lives one another lives.

During my morning walk earlier, while listening to a podcast, I came across a particularly quick and easy tool that really creates opportunities to elicit such conversations. That tool is this: “The 36 Questions that Lead to Love.”

Now, this is not necessarily love of a romantic nature. This is more of a ‘love’ for anybody — a love with a foundation of understanding and insight into one another’s lives, thereby leading to respect and appreciation of the other party . Differences and all. It is well-known that self-disclosure and vulnerability fosters closeness. So why not pop one of these questions into a conversation at your next office work drinks? You never know where it might lead…

Set 1

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set 2

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set 3

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling … “

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.


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Aretha Franklin Had Power. Did We Truly Respect It?


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5 Reasons Not To Ditch Your Friends Now That You’re In Love

My friend Rachel told me a story about two of her friends that made me roll my eyes. “Sally and Daniella were inseparable,” Rachel recalls. “They would text all day long, and see each other a few times a week.” But each time Daniella started to date someone, Sally wouldn’t hear from her for weeks at a time. One time, Sally was surprised and delighted to be invited for a weekend away with Daniella. Her excitement evaporated when she learned Daniella and her boyfriend had broken up. Sally felt, again, like the runner-up.

These anecdotal stories of “now that my best friend is in a relationship, I never see her anymore” is validated by research. In one recent study, social scientists at Oxford questioned hundreds of adults about how their relationships changed after they started to date. They found that a new lover meant less time to invest in other close relationships. On average, a person’s core group (family and friends one used to see regularly and who were depended on in tough times) diminishes by two people.

It’s true that there is only so much time to go around. We make tough choices about who we spend our time with, and how much of it. But investing less energy in our close friends and family is perhaps not such a great idea.

I interviewed some people in new relationships who say they are not ditching their friends. Here are five reasons why.

Friends Make You More Interesting

Hanging out too much with your partner and doing “partner” things limits the diversity of your life experiences. No doubt there are interests and activities that you share more with your good friends than with your partner. Continuing to participate passionately in these “outside” interests enriches your life, feeds your own joy, and makes you more interesting to yourself and to your partner too! For instance, one person continues to go to the theater regularly with friends rather than invite her new boyfriend instead.

Friends Can Help Your Relationship

Our friends understand us in ways our partners don’t. They often have known us longer and see patterns in our behaviour. They can act as an objective sounding board to help us navigate problems in our relationship, and point out our blind spots. For instance, one person was complaining to her friend about her boyfriend being late all the time. Her friend gently pointed out that she complained about this with past boyfriends, her new boyfriend wasn’t unacceptably late, and that she had a tendency to be controlling.

Friends Avoid “Suffocating” Your Partner

Being in a relationship can start to feel suffocating if one feels guilty for spending time away from a partner who is dependent on them for their social life. Spending time with your close friends takes the pressure off your partner to feel like they are responsible for your happiness and entertainment. One person said that too much “together time” can zap the novelty and mystery out of a relationship. Seeing their partner enjoy activities independently makes them appear more confident and attractive.

Friends Validate Your Partner’s Decision

People judge us by the friends we keep. Having interesting, fun friends reflects well on us. One person said they are suspicious of people who don’t have close friends; it makes her wonder whether they are lazy or apathetic about relationships, and whether they will not make the sort of emotional investment that is needed for their relationship to thrive. If other people love you, your partner will think (even subconsciously) that’s a good sign!

Friends Deserve Respect

Taking people for granted (like Daniella did with Sally), only “using” them when it suits your own purposes may come back to haunt you. While some friends may be at your beck and call, chances are that others you value may not be there when you need them the most. You can’t expect friends to give you a shoulder to cry on (like when you need relationship advice, or you’ve just been dumped) if you’ve been ignoring them for months.

Have you asked your BFF to “move on down the bench” now that you’re in love? Maybe you should think about warming up their seat a little closer to you!



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The Hidden Reason Men Get Angry With Women Over “Nothing”

I have a gentleman that follows my blog. He’s been reading all of my dating and relationship work and asked if I could publish one of his pieces.

I agreed. This is not me, but we can all learn from this.

Anger has been a problem my whole life. It contributed to the ending of my two marriages and nearly brought about the demise of my third. When my anger was pointed out to me, usually by my wife, I immediately became defensive and insisted loudly, I’m not angry, God damn it! Inside I felt confused, out-of-control, and righteous. In my mind, I would say to myself, Well, who wouldn’t get angry, when someone is attacking you like she is?

When I tried to explain my feelings to my wife, she was mystified. Nothing she did seemed to her like an attack, and I couldn’t articulate what it was about what she said that triggered my defensive anger. Clearly, my anger wasn’t over “nothing”, but what was really triggering my anger remained hidden for a long time.

It took me years to begin to understand why my wife was afraid of me. I never hit her. So, I told myself, she’s just being overly sensitive. I dismissed my angry outbursts and wasn’t aware of the looks I was giving her. “When you get angry, even when you’re trying to keep it in,” my wife told me, “you get that beady-eyed look that chills my soul.”

My wife, Carlin, and I have been married now for 38 years. It’s the third marriage for both of us and we’ve learned a lot about why we are the way we are and how to deal with my anger. The writer, Margaret Atwood, offers an insightful understanding of a male/female dynamic that has taken us years to understand.

Atwood says, “Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.” Do you know how sometimes you read something and think to yourself, I know what she’s saying is right, but you can’t quite explain to yourself why it’s right?

On the surface, these two statements don’t make sense. They don’t seem to have equal weight. How can you compare fear of being laughed at to fear of being killed? Yet, Atwood is suggesting that fear of death and fear of being laughed at are comparable.

It’s a lot easier to understand women’s fear of being killed by a man, than men’s fear of being laughed at by a woman. Men are generally bigger, stronger, and more aggressive. Every day in the news we see examples of male violence. There are mass shootings, men killing their wives and girlfriends in fits of jealous rage, rapes, and sexual harassment.

In order to understand why men are afraid of being laughed at by women, we have to take a journey into the world of men and try and see things through their eyes. Here are a few highlights that I’ve come to understand over the years:

Being born of a woman has a different meaning for males than females.

All females learn quickly that they are the same sex as the mother and there is a primal identification, “I’m a female, like Mom, and I can grow up to be like her.” All males learn that they are the other sex and there is a primal disappointment when they realize that they will never grow up to be like mother.

Males are dependent on women, but frightened and ambivalent about their dependence.

In his book, “Misogyny: The Male Malady”, anthropologist David Gilmore describes the near universal dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against women that is built into the male psyche. He says it stems from unresolved conflicts between men’s intense need for and dependence upon women and their equally intense fear of that dependence—and the underlying reason for our anger is almost totally subconscious.

Here are the subconscious needs that are usually so uncomfortable to acknowledge that men block them out:

  • Unconscious wishes to return to infancy
  • Longings to suckle at the breast
  • To return to the womb
  • The powerful temptation to surrender one’s masculine autonomy to the omnipotent mother of childhood fantasy

“All these secret desires,” says Gilmore, “spark unconscious opposition, internal conflict, and consequently psychic turmoil in men. Men’s ambivalence toward women creates an uncomfortable and endless tension at every psychic level which leads to an effort to diminish the source of the turmoil by attacking its source: women.”

Men can be overt in their anger or they can be covert. Their anger can be aggressive and explosive or it can be passive and “nice”. Mostly, I was the nice guy, but my anger would come out in subtle ways. I’d forget an anniversary. I’d flirt with my wife’s best friend. I’d listen to her, but not fully. I’d forget something she’d ask me to get for her. Sound familiar?

Men feel an unconscious bondage to Woman.

In his book, “Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man”, Sam Keen offers a perspective that resonates deeply with me. “It was slow in dawning on me that WOMAN had an overwhelming influence on my life and on the lives of all the men I knew,” says Keen. He goes on to say, “I am not talking about women, the actual flesh-and-blood creatures, but about Women, those larger-than-life shadowy female figures who inhabit our imaginations, inform our emotions, and indirectly give shape to many of our actions.”

Keen says, “One of the major tasks of manhood is to explore the unconscious feelings that surround our various images of WOMAN, to dispel false mystification, to dissolve the vague sense of threat and fear, and finally to learn to respect and love the strangeness of womankind.”

In sum, he says, “It may be useful to think about sexual-spiritual maturation—the journey to manhood—as a process of changing WOMAN into women, into Jane (or one certain woman), of learning to see members of the opposite sex not as archetypes or members of a class but as individuals.”

“It is the WOMAN in our heads, more than the women in our beds or boardrooms, who cause most of our problems,” Keen concludes. “And these archetypical creatures—goddesses, bitches, angels, Madonnas, castrators, witches, Gypsy maidens, earth mothers—must be exorcised from our minds and hearts before we can learn to love women.”

Men’s greatest fear is being ridiculed and disrespected.

I still remember being in a room with my mother and a number of neighbor friends. They were talking about their husbands amid derisive laughter about the various shortcomings of the men. I was six years old. I can’t remember the details of their complaints, but the feelings of pity, contempt, and disrespect remain burned into my psyche nearly seventy years later.

I felt deeply ashamed of my father for not living up to my mother’s expectations, and I made a vow, as a six-year-old, that I would die before I would ever let a woman talk about me that way.

James Gilligan, M.D., one of the world’s experts on male violence and author of the book, “Violence: Our Deadly Epidemic and Its Cause” says, “I have yet to see a serious act of violence that was not provoked by the experience of feeling shamed and humiliated, disrespected and ridiculed.” Most often, men turn the shame inwards, become depressed, and suicidal, but the anger that comes out at women is often shame-based and related to feeling overwhelmed by feminine power.

Most men have a hole in their soul as a result of the father wound.

When I was five years old my mid-life father became increasingly angry and depressed because he couldn’t make a living to support his family. Unable to meet the demands of being the sole breadwinner in the family, he took an overdose of sleeping pills and was committed to the state mental hospital.

If a boy doesn’t grow up with a father who is present physically and emotionally, he clings more closely to his mother, which increases his fear and anger. This was true for me and for many men I know. With my father gone, I needed my mother even more. I was angry that my father had left, and angry at my mother because I felt even more engulfed by her energy.

Richard Rohr founded the international movement known as Men As Learners & Elders (M.A.L.E.s), which focuses on ritual and rites of passage to encourage men to greater spiritual consciousness. He says, “In the heart of every man is a hunger for his father. It’s one of those inevitable things. It happens in both boys and girls actually, but the essence of this hunger is vitally different. There is something about the connection between the child and the same-sex parent that, when unmet, creates a gaping hole in their souls.”


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