9 Mantras To Recite After Calling Off An Engagement As You Move On

Whether you’ve been thinking about walking away from your relationship for a while or you just realized you were meant to be with someone else, ending a long-term commitment to someone is difficult. And in the heat of all the stress and confusion, knowing some empowering mantras to recite after calling off an engagement can help you feel strong and stable as you start to move forward.

No matter who you are, if you realize that you’re not ready to get married, it’s always OK to take a step back to re-evaluate. At any stage of a romantic relationship, it’s important to listen to your heart and do what’s right for you. From taking some time away from your partner to discussing what you want your future to look like, your life is yours, and you get to decide the actions you take moving forward. While it may initially feel intimidating to take the next steps, if you don’t want to get married, following your truth can help you live a fuller and happier life.

If you’ve recently broken off your engagement and you’re feeling a little overwhelmed, these nine mantras can help you find clarity as you move on.

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1. I’m doing what’s right for me in this moment.

If you start second-guessing yourself or you’re wondering if you did something wrong, remember that you are doing what’s right for you at this very moment. Things may change in the future, and if that happens, you’ll be ready for it. Prioritizing your mental health and happiness can be a really good thing.

2. It’s OK if someone doesn’t understand why I’m doing this.

You don’t need to validate or justify your choices to your ex-fiancé’s sister’s boyfriend, your old college roommate, or whoever the heck else. You know what’s right for you, and that’s all that matters. Not everyone is going to understand your actions, and honestly, not everyone needs to.

3. I will not feel ashamed for following my heart.

While it may feel painful in the moment, taking steps to live your truth is honestly something to celebrate. This isn’t anyone’s “fault,” and you don’t need to blame yourself for calling it off. You never need to feel ashamed about doing what’s right for you.

4. I will only share what I feel comfortable sharing.

People may have a million questions about what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. Though you may want to discuss some of your feelings or actions with your loved ones, you certainly don’t owe anyone an explanation. No one is entitled to hearing all the details of your personal life. You can decide how much you want to share with whom, and how you go about sharing.

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5. I will grow as I go.

You don’t know all the answers and you don’t need to know all the answers. You will figure it out as you go along. You will grow through this whole process. And you will listen to your intuition and do what feels right for you.

6. Healing looks different for everyone.

You get to process and heal in your own way and on your own timeline. Whether you need to get away for a while or want to spend time with friends and family, you get to decide what moving on looks like and how it happens. Healing looks different for everyone, and you get to follow your own heart.

7. I’m proud of myself for speaking my truth.

Following your heart and living your truth doesn’t make you a “bad person.” It makes you a brave person, and you should be proud of yourself for being true to who you are.

8. I deserve to be happy and fulfilled.

You deserve to feel happy, loved, and supported. You deserve to have the types of relationships that you want to be in. And in time, you will find everything that you’re looking for.

9. It’s going to be OK.

You are going to survive, you are going to get through it, and you are going to figure out what the best next steps are for you. While it may sound simple, reminding yourself that you are going to be OK can be incredibly affirming.

 

 

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How to Forget an Ex for Good: 14 Proven Ways to Happily Move On

Learning how to forget an ex isn’t easy. It doesn’t mean it’s impossible. Try out these 14 tips if you want to forget your ex and move on with your life.

I was never good at moving on from my past relationships. And when social media showed me how I could become the biggest stalker in the world, well, let’s just say I really worked on developing how to forget an ex.

I would spend hours examining posts, trying to figure out the possible hidden messages, see if they were in pain over the breakup, missing every moment of my presence. Obviously, that was mostly my ego doing the social media stalking, but let’s save that for another day.

The point is forgetting an ex isn’t as easy as people think it is.

How to forget an ex – The little steps you need to take

If you were emotionally bonded with someone, you’re breaking that bond. You’re no longer a couple; you’re transitioning to strangers. It’s a weird transition to make, and that’s why it’s so hard to do.

Most of the time, it happens on a whim, and you’re left feeling displaced and shocked. But that doesn’t mean you won’t be able to move on. Yes, it’s a shock, and it’ll be hard, but it’s entirely doable. In other words, your life isn’t over, and you will find love again.

It’s time you moved on and learned how to get over an ex.

#1 Stop stalking. I know you want to see their social media and make sure they haven’t moved on yet. But, you need to stop stalking them. Delete them from all social media, and whatever apps you have them on. How can you move on if they’re constantly in your face? Stop stalking.

#2 Focus on yourself. Um, hello. You’re single now, which means you have all the time in the world to focus on yourself. Tis the season for self-care, and now, it’s time you practiced it. Find a new activity, spend time with your friends and family, or go for hikes. Focus on doing things you enjoy and make you happy.

#3 Get yourself busy. If you’re laying on the couch all day, your mind will be focused on them. You’ll be sitting there, thinking about how they laugh or why they dumped you. It’s not a good move. Instead, get yourself busy. Whether it’s work, school, or volunteering, fill your day up with activities. The less you think about them, the better.

#4 Reflect on the breakup. There are two people in every relationship, meaning you have a responsibility in the relationship as well. It’s time for you to reflect on the relationship and see what went wrong. What were the things you did in the relationship? What should you work on for yourself?

#5 Think about the things you didn’t like. Every relationship has its ups and downs. There are things you liked about your partner and the relationship, and things you didn’t. During a breakup, we tend to only look at the good times. But this is when you should focus on the attributes you didn’t like. For your next relationship, you’ll be more aware of what you don’t want in a partnership.

#6 Hang out with your friends and family. Spend time with your support group as they’re the ones who will stand by you through the ups and downs. Listen to their advice and accept their love and support. And if you want to pull through, you’ll need those people around you.

#7 Don’t force them out of your mind. When it comes to knowing how to forget an ex, if you try too hard to not think about them, it’s not going to work. It’ll do the opposite. Let yourself grieve; this isn’t a race. Grieving isn’t something you can control or force. If they’re on your mind, process these thoughts and feelings. With time, they’ll disappear on their own. 

#8 If you’re still sleeping together, stop. Yeah, I know you think that you can continue sleeping with them without having feelings, but that’s a fairytale. You’ll never be able to move on if you’re still intimate with your ex. The sex may be good, but you know what’s better? Moving on.

#9 Grieve. Breaking up with someone is a grieving process. You no longer have your ex in your life, and it’s a transition. Give yourself the time to be emotional. Cry, scream, yell, get all your emotions out, and go through the process.

#10 Write your feelings down. Your friends and family will eventually get tired of talking about the breakup. This isn’t a bad thing. Really, there’s only so much other people can hear about it. So, write your feelings down, and get out everything that’s floating around in your mind. Just get it out.

#11 Don’t be friends with them. Yeah, I know you think you could be friends with them, but let’s get real here. It’s not going to happen, at least not right now. You can’t grieve and move on if you’re still hanging out with your ex-partner. So take a solid break from them, and when you feel you’ve moved on, then bring them back into your life.

#12 Volunteer and give back. We underestimate the value of giving back. When we’re stuck in our heads, it’s hard to see the good things you have in your life. But volunteering will keep you busy and will direct your time and energy towards giving back.

#13 Plan a trip. Sometimes, you just need to get out of your environment to help you put things into perspective. And you don’t even need to travel the world. A weekend trip to the next town over can do wonders. Plus, a change of scenery can help you reflect and inspire you for the future.

#14 Give yourself time to move on. When there’s a breakup, you want to move on as soon as possible. This is why we rebound and act like everything is okay. But in reality, you’re grieving. It’s going to take months for you to move on, and that’s okay. Give yourself time to move on.

 

Understanding how to forget an ex isn’t something that can be done overnight. But, give yourself a little bit of time, and you’ll move on to greener pastures.

 

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The 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes Women Make After Getting Divorced

Avoid these mistakes so you can find love again.

If you’ve recently gone through a breakup, then you know what a struggle it can be figuring out how to start dating after divorce.

Getting over your marriage ending and being able to move on without baggage is difficult, so making sure you’re ready to start dating and knowing how to get a date are equally important.

Whether you’ve already started dating after divorce, or you’re about to take the plunge, chances are good you’re going to be tempted to give in to three behaviors that will sabotage either your ability to move on from your marriage, or seriously reduce the chance you’ll find a wonderful new man.

Here are 3 mistakes you need to avoid in order to start dating after divorce so you can find a healthy new relationship and be happy again:

1. Thinking all guys are like your ex.

Trusting a new man once you’ve been hurt by your ex-husband is difficult. But if you don’t get rid of this distrust toward men, it will destroy your chance of finding someone new.

This distrust often shows up in online dating profiles when you say things like “no head games,” or “no dishonest men.”

When you write those things in your profile, you’re broadcasting on a billboard that you’ve been hurt and that you’re distrustful.

You’ll scare away the men who have it together because they’ll recognize your distrust immediately. And most of the men who really do play head games or are dishonest haven’t admitted to themselves that they possess these massive flaws … this makes it likely that they aren’t going to stay away from you just because you ask them to in your profile.

And when you do get into a relationship after divorce, even if the guy is faithful to you and is madly in love with you, you may not believe anything he says.

If you assume all men are like your ex-husband, you’ll have this ongoing chorus playing the back of your mind: “All men are no good. All men cheat. All men fall out of love and break up with me.”

It plays like a country song accompanied by an out-of-tune guitar. Replace that chorus with something more melodious, something like, “I’m having a lot of fun getting to know my new man (or my date) and finding out what good qualities he has.”

With each man you meet, you want to start with a clean slate.

Look at him as an individual. Notice all the ways your new man or date is different from your ex-husband.

2. Getting involved in a rebound relationship.

If you’re lonely after your divorce, it’s easy to get involved with someone new before you’re truly ready to move on. But how do you know whether that new relationship is the real thing or whether you’re simply on the rebound?

First, ask yourself if the person you’re with has the qualities you’d want in a long-term partner. Do you have lots in common with this person? Or is the physical attraction blinding you to how wrong you really are for each other?

Another question to ask: Am I happy alone even without a man in my life? If the answer is yes, then you’re ready to get involved in a new relationship.

If the only reason you’re getting involved in a new relationship is that you can’t stand to be alone, then your new relationship may indeed be a rebound relationship.

As you heal from your divorce and think about the lessons you learned from it, your new relationship can be transformed from a rebound relationship to a real relationship, as long as it’s based on more than just physical attraction.

3. Unintentionally holding onto baggage.

No one is a blank sheet of paper. We’ve all been hurt in the past. The key is to find ways to release the baggage so it doesn’t get stuck inside of you. In fact, much of the time, you’re probably not even aware of your baggage.

It’s time to start having an internal dialogue with yourself. Did you spend enough time alone after your divorce to really think about what caused the collapse of your marriage? While your ex-husband likely played a part, did you have any destructive habits? Blame is one of the most common destructive habits I’ve seen in couples.

You want to blame your significant others for the way you feel. But your emotions have your name tags on them. You own them. Rather than telling your partners “You’re making me angry,” it’s much better to say, “When you did X, Y, or Z, I didn’t feel so good. I felt really uncomfortable.”

Whether it’s avoiding blame or any other relationship-sabotaging factors, is there anything you could do differently in a new relationship to stop it from going the way of your marriage? It’s only when you answer this question that you can say goodbye to your baggage and hello to a wonderful new relationship.

 

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16 Quotes About Unrequited Love That Are SO Accurate, It Hurts

The French expression “la douleur exquise” literally translates to “the exquisite pain,” and refers to the pain of wanting someone you can’t have. TBH, I don’t think there’s a more eloquent, accurate way to describe the experience of a one-sided romance. But there are also numerous quotes about unrequited love that perfectly capture the agony involved.

If you caught feels for someone who doesn’t reciprocate said feels, take comfort in this: Unrequited love is so common that you can read about it in countless classic novels, hear multiple multi-platinum pop stars sing about it in current hit songs, and even watch contestants on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette deal with it IRL. In fact, a 2014 study published in the journal SAGE Open, which analyzed music over the last 40 years, found that a sizable portion of the lyrics in popular songs referred to unrequited love and romantic rejection.

When you love someone who doesn’t love you back, you may find yourself teetering between optimism that your crush will eventually feel the same way, and despair that they don’t. Longing for the unattainable can leave you feeling confused, lost, vulnerable, disheartened, and everything in between. But each and every experience with love — even, and especially, the ones that don’t end with a happily ever after — presents a learning opportunity. So, the best thing you can do is allow yourself to feel the complete spectrum of your emotions, and trust that eventually you’ll be able to glean some shred of wisdom from your one-sided romance.

Quotes about unrequited love can be hopeful — or capture the despair and the heartache.

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Knowing that you’re not alone in your heartache obviously won’t take away the pain that comes with unrequited love, but it can help to ease it somewhat. So, whether you’ve found yourself in the dreaded friend zone, or the object of your affection is inconveniently in a relationship with someone else, refer to these quotes for a quick hit of much-needed commiseration, reassurance, and hope.

1. “In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing.” — Mignon McLaughlin

2. “Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart.” — Washington Irving

3. “To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.” — Federico García Lorca

4. “When you loved someone and had to let them go, there will always be that small part of yourself that whispers, “What was it that you wanted and why didn’t you fight for it?”― Shannon L. Alder

5. “It’s wicked to throw away so many good gifts because you can’t have the one you want.” ― Louisa May Alcott

6. “The worst feeling is falling for someone and knowing that they won’t be there to catch you.” — Rashida Rowe

7. “Living with someone you love can be lonelier than living entirely alone, if the one that you love doesn’t love you.” ― Tennessee Williams

8. “Too many of us are hung up on what we don’t have, can’t have, or won’t ever have.” ― Terry McMillan

Reading quotes about unrequited love may offer some much-needed reassurance and commiseration.

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9. “When you love something, you have to make sure it loves you back, or you’ll bring about no end of trouble chasing it.” — Patrick Rothfuss

10. “An unrequited love is so much better than a real one … As long as something is never even started, you never have to worry about it ending.” — Sarah Dessen

11. “A person doesn’t know true hurt and suffering until they’ve felt the pain of falling in love with someone whose affections lie elsewhere.” ― Rose Gordon

12. “Because, if you could love someone, and keep loving them, without being loved back … then that love had to be real. It hurt too much to be anything else.” — Sarah Cross

13. “The heart is stubborn. It holds onto love despite what sense and emotion tells it. And it is often, in the battle of those three, the most brilliant of all.” — Alessandra Torre

14. “Sometimes no matter how many eyelashes or dandelion seeds you blow, no matter how much of your heart you tear out and slap on your sleeve, it just ain’t gonna happen.” ― Melissa Jensen

15. “There comes a time in your life when you have to choose to turn the page, write another book or simply close it.”― Shannon L. Alder

16. “Let no one who loves be called unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow.” — James Matthew Barrison

 

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The Reasons Why Married Women Cheat on Their Husbands

It’s not something most people want to face, let alone talk about or even consider. But the truth is, even in the happiest marriages, affairs can happen. Maybe a close relationship with a colleague goes too far during a long night at the office. Or an unexpected dalliance occurs on a vacation with friends. Or maybe, it’s a longer-running situation, where a husband or wife turns to someone to fill a physical or emotional void left unfilled by their spouses. The fact of the matter is that infidelity is not surprising. What is surprising, however, is who’s doing the cheating.

© LaylaBird / Getty

“We have this idea socially that men are cheaters, all men are susceptible to cheating, men are dogs, right?” says Alicia M. Walker, an associate professor of sociology at Missouri State University. But the data tells a very different story”

Walker is the author of The Secret Life of the Cheating Wife: Power, Pragmatism, and Pleasure in Women’s Infidelity. She was inspired to write the book after coming across a number of stories on infidelity. “I saw a study that said some 90 percent of people who cheat never leave their spouse,” she says. “And I feel like, that’s not what we hear about. We hear about people cheating and then the marriage breaking up. Then I saw another study that some high 80 percent of folks never get caught cheating and that number is even higher if you’re a woman. So that really got me thinking like, ‘Something is going on here besides what I think is going on here.’ Because we sort of have this social idea that if you’re cheating you’re always going to get caught eventually.”

“Something that some of the women in my study brought up that I never thought about was that when they were searching for an affair partner, they were having these candid, frank discussions about sexual compatibility and sexual preferences.”

After reading a study that said most women are vulnerable to infidelity in their 40s, the idea became lodged in her mind. “Those three pieces of information together kind of got me thinking,” Walker says. “And, over the course of the next few months, it seemed like every movie I saw, every conversation I had, this topic just kept coming up. So, in looking to answer my own questions about this, I realized there was really not much research out there about infidelity. We just kind of act like it doesn’t happen.”

What she noticed from her work, is that women are cheating at at least the same rates as men. And, depending on the age group you’re looking at and the behavior that you’re looking at, sometimes they’re outpacing men.

“Way more women are cheating than we think,” she says. “We just don’t like to talk about it and we don’t like to think about it. You don’t want to think that your neighbor, your Sunday school teacher, or your friend is doing this. But the reality is, you know a woman who’s cheating, you just don’t know that she is.”

Now, Walker makes clear, there’s no one specific reason for infidelity. Some women cheat to avoid boredom; other women cheat because they feel neglected. Still others say it’s because they f**king want to.

“A lot of the time the reasons are physical, sometimes they’re emotional, and, sometimes, as much as we don’t want to admit this or know this, sometimes it’s just a matter of somebody having an opportunity,” says Walker. “There’s a lot of data showing that a woman will have an affair with a coworker and are more likely to report that ‘My marriage is great and I’m super satisfied. I literally saw an opportunity and took advantage of it.’ ”

“You should really start looking at your own behavior in the bedroom and really make sure that you’re holding up your end of the table. Because, if you’re not, there’s somebody out there who’s more than willing to do that.”

The notion of the cheating wife is something that tends to be swept under the rug, per Walker, mostly because it goes against everything that we as a culture have been conditioned to think about women.

“We want to think of women as not particularly sexual unless they’re deeply in love or they’re married or in some monogamous relationship of some kind. We just don’t want to think that women are just as sexual and just as interested in having sex with multiple partners or a variety of partners or they get bored with marital sex.”

However, if we want things to change, it’s time to not only start thinking about the idea of female infidelity, but also to figure out what we can do to improve things. Walker says that begins with having honest conversations about sex, preferably before marriage.

“Something that some of the women in my study brought up that I never thought about was that when they were searching for an affair partner, they were having these candid, frank discussions about sexual compatibility and sexual preferences,” says Walker. “When I got married, I never had any of these conversations, and I started thinking, ‘You know, that’s true, we don’t have those conversations.’ We kind of wander into these romantic pairings and we fall in love and we kind of think that the sex is going to take care of itself. But, according to the data, that’s not true.”

Part of those frank discussions is being open to what your spouse is interested in. A lot of the women Walker interviewed said that when they talked openly about their fantasies or desires to their husbands, they were met with disgust and made to feel ashamed.

“It was really pretty sobering, to be honest with you,” Walker says. “This is a person who’s pledged to love you for all time and you say to them, ‘Hey, I want to try role-playing,’ or whatever it is, and then think about having the person that you love and trust the most say, ‘That’s disgusting. What’s wrong with you?’ If you listen to that for years, and then in walks somebody who’s not only like, ‘That’s not disgusting,’ but they’re into it, you can see how attractive that would be.”

A lot of the women Walker interviewed said that when they talked openly about their fantasies or desires to their husbands, they were met with disgust and made to feel ashamed.

In conducting her research, Walker was surprised to learn that a lot of the women that she interviewed were interested in the prospect of an open marriage.

“They don’t want to leave their husband, they love their husband, they’ve got a great life, but what they really want is variety in their sexual partners,” she says. “It’s not just, ‘Oh, I want my husband, and I want this one affair.’ It’s, ‘I want my husband and I want to taste all the parts of the menu!’ ”

Additionally, she discovered that women who cheat see it as an exercise in power. The socially accepted norm when it comes to coupling is that the man asks the woman out, the man pays for dinner, the man proposes marriage. While the ideas behind these traditions may be chivalrous, Walker says that the women she spoke to eventually felt confined by them.

“They always felt like they had been chosen, rather than choosing themselves,” she says. “And then they go online to Ashley Madison, or any other site, and there’s all these men, and now they’re choosing rather than being chosen.”

In the end, attentiveness is the key. When you’re with your spouse, Walker says it’s vital to make sure you’re thinking of her needs as well as your own.

“Any man who is concerned about this,” she says, “you should really start looking at your own behavior in the bedroom and really make sure that you’re holding up your end of the table. Because, if you’re not, there’s somebody out there who’s more than willing to do that.”

 

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January is unofficially considered ‘divorce month’ in legal circles due to a peak in filings. Here’s a divorce lawyer’s advice on how to survive your own separation.

Matrimonial attorneys across the nation have prepared for this January, when divorce filings peak. Unofficially dubbed “divorce month” in legal circles nationwide, there’s a variety of reasons why couples have historically chosen to separate after the holidays — and a number of ways for clients to cope.

The phrase “divorce month” became so prevalent in matrimonial law that, in 2016, a study from the University of Washington was conducted to see if there was any statistical evidence to back up the anecdotes. Researchers examined divorce filings from 2001 to 2015 in the state of Washington and determined that filings did indeed increase in January, compared to December.

Ohio, Minnesota, Florida, and Arizona were also found to exhibit similar patterns; according to Google Trends, the topic of “divorce” peaked the week of January 6 through 12. But while divorce filings spike in January, couples begin their search for legal resources during the holidays when many attorneys are out of office.

On Pinterest, searches for “divorce party” rose an average of 21% from December to January in 2019. This interest is confirmed in matrimonial law offices, where the last two weeks of December are often the busiest of the year as attorneys prepare for the influx of filings.

But why the increase in the first place? For many, the new year often reminds us that we need a fresh start. This is particularly common in unhealthy relationships and dead-end marriages, where couples may decide the best resolution is to part ways. It’s also important to remember that winter and summer holidays are culturally important times for families with children, and filing for divorce during them may be seen as inappropriate.

Other troubled marriages may see the holidays as a time to patch things up, with hopes that things will improve. People often raise their expectations during the holidays, despite past troubles in their relationship. Coupled with an expectation for positive change at the new year, many couples attempt to stick it out through the holidays.

But for others, the University of Washington study found the holidays to be exhausting and emotionally demanding, exposing cracks in their marriages. According to the report, “the consistent pattern in filings, the researchers believe, reflects the disillusionment unhappy spouses feel when the holidays don’t live up to expectations.”

But anyone considering divorce should always remember that fear of separation and holiday tunnel vision are never rational reasons to stay in toxic relationships. While most clients fear divorce, very few ever regret going through with it. In the end, all parties end up happier and better off, and the experience becomes liberating.

Sometimes couples are advised by tax professionals to delay filing until the new year. In most instances, filing jointly as married can help couples take advantage of tax breaks before separation. Attorneys may also advise clients to wait until the new year to take advantage of or avoid new legislation, such as The Tax Cuts and Jobs Act, which enacted new tax rules regarding alimony payments.

In divorces finalized after January 1, 2019, spousal support can no longer be deducted from taxes. And for those receiving alimony, spousal support is no longer considered taxable income. This significantly increases the burden on the individual paying alimony and ultimately means more money for the government.

So before making an appointment with an attorney in January, there are a few things couples should consider. First of all, it’s not uncommon for couples considering separation to simply be victims of holiday stress. Take some time to reflect upon your relationship and determine if it is really worth salvaging. If both partners agree it’s time to move on, it’s typically in everyone’s best interest to proceed with commencing the divorce process.

If you do decide to proceed with divorce, don’t be afraid to ask your therapist, attorney, or a support group for help, and be sure to make time for self-care and positive thoughts. The holidays are a stressful time, and the New Year can bring much needed clarity, regardless of your ultimate decision.

During the separation process, your attorney will help you decide how to best reach your financial and parenting goals. As previously noted, they will consider, among other things, the tax implications of your decision and potential new legislation that may take effect in the new year.

When clients decide to begin the divorce process, we advise that they should explore therapy as early as possible. There is no longer a stigma attached, and you cannot afford to neglect your feelings — negative emotions and hurt feelings can cloud judgment. Therapy can help you prioritize your thoughts, providing you with a trustworthy third party while separating knee-jerk emotional reactions from what’s best for you, your children, and your future.

Clients should also reach out to their attorneys for as much information on the process as possible. The more they know about the legal process, the less stressful it’s likely to be. Lawyers can also give advice on how to reach support communities, as well as ways to best proceed emotionally.

We recommend staying off social media, and urge clients not to use it to air grievances. Avoid following your spouse’s feeds too closely so that you can stay focused on ending your marriage as quickly and equitably as possible.

Practice self-care instead. Make sure you’re eating right, exercising, and taking time for your own recreation. Twenty minutes of exercise a day goes a long way in helping clients cope by lowering anxiety and stress and helps to deter depression and negative emotions.

A healthy social life is another excellent way to maintain positive thoughts. Focus on staying out of the tunnel vision divorce can cause and remember that life will go on. Many clients fear the end of the process the most, but, once it’s over, the vast majority of them experience instant relief and go on to happier relationships.

If your marriage is putting pressure on you this holiday season, just know you’re not alone should you make the decision to file for divorce. The holidays can be a stressful time, but remember that in addition to your attorney, therapists and other wellness providers can be great resources.

Overall, take your time and do what’s right for you. And, once you make your final call, don’t look back.

 

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How To Deal With Sadness Around The Holidays, According To Experts

“Hey, We’re all here for you.”

If there were ever a time of year that energy hangs heaviest and most potently on humanity, it would probably be the holiday season. If you feel sad during the holidays, even knowing that it’s a common experience doesn’t always make the ache dissipate. But there are simple things you can do to cope that might make the twinkling lights and constant carols easier to bear if you’re in the midst of a rough time internally.

“Holidays may serve as a strong reminder that things in our life are not quite where we want or expect them to be,” Dr Victoria Chialy Smith, a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice, tells Bustle. “We may feel a wide variety of emotions including longing, regret, anger, sadness, and depression.”

Smith says the unresolved feelings the holidays can evoke are understandable. Perhaps you’ve experienced loss that feels particularly hard this time of year, or the financial expectations of the season leave you feeling you stressed and self-critical. Smith says to first and foremost give yourself permission to feel the sadness and heavy feelings. There is no need to get on your own case about not being full of cheer and serenity.

“Meet all of these difficult emotions with compassion,” Smith says, and think about doing that by staying grounded in the present when you start getting a wave of old memories, regrets, longings, or difficult emotions. “Try to stay connected to the peace of the present moment by tuning into your breath or what is immediately going on around you,” she says.

Dr. Jo Eckler, a chronic illness coach, clinical psychologist, and author of I Can’t Fix You Because You’re Not Broken: The Eight Keys to Freeing Yourself from Painful Thoughts and Feelings tells Bustle something similar. Don’t squash down the feelings you’re having, and don’t feel the need to act like your blood is made of glitter when you’re actually feeling bummed. You don’t have to pretend.

Eckler also points out that this time of year is “a ripe time for the comparison trap.” Disengage from compare and despair behaviors, though, friends, be it on social media, in conversation, or just in your own head as you walk through the holiday markets, feeling a bit glum.

“We see images of families laughing together in handmade matching PJ’s and frolicking, or super lovey-dovey couples,” Eckler says. “And even though we might have good families or partners ourselves, it’s hard to live up to a posed picture.”

 

As for the expectation to get on board the holiday activity train? Well, especially if parties, gatherings, and celebrations feel triggering, there is certainly no need for you to be the belle of each holiday ball. But that said, isolation is something you want to avoid when you’re dealing with sadness or symptoms of depression, Dr. Rebecca Cowan, of Anchor Counseling & Wellness, LLC, tells Bustle.

“When people become sad and depressed, they tend to want to isolate, and this only worsens these symptoms,” Cowan says. “Balance is key, and so is implementing a self-care plan.”

That means things like sleeping, eating enough, sharing with friends, doing things that make you feel relaxed and happy, and Cowan says, getting some sunlight. At least 30 minutes a day.

Counselor Jessica Eiseman, based out of Texas, tells Bustle that it can also be helpful to begin to create your own traditions, to make the holidays something you can enjoy. She brings up the term “un-holidays.”

“Maybe you don’t fit into traditional standards or expectations for the season,” Eiseman says. “Maybe you don’t celebrate at all or you take a trip by yourself. The most important piece being that you create some meaning based on what you enjoy and brings a little peace, if not happiness.”

Eiseman also says that if you aren’t already, visiting a therapist can be really helpful. And if the feelings seem to be worsening, or they are affecting things like your appetite and ability to sleep, do reach out for professional help as soon as possible.

And remember, it’s really OK to feel the heaviness this time of year. It’s palpable, and we are sensitive creatures! Just do what you can to take care of you. Consider it a holiday gift to yourself.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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Facebook: phicklephilly       Instagram: @phicklephilly       Twitter: @phicklephilly