Seriously, I HAVE to spend 5 weeks in Kentucky for my job. That means 5 weeks away from my cabin, 5 weeks apart from Louise and MrT, 5 weeks away from my adopted dogs and 5 weeks away from the possibility of seeing Sir……What?? you thought Sir and Butterfly were over…..Well it is complicated…Yeah yeah I […]
cientists are adamant: our feelings and the logic of love development are tightly connected with biochemical processes in our bodies. Even if we wanted this amazing passionate feeling to last forever, our body wouldn’t be able to cope with it.
Beautiful Girl found out why the feeling of falling in love always fades away and how we can save our relationship when the hormonal cocktail stops working.
4. We experience euphoria when we fall in love.
Scientists think that the euphoria that is triggered by passion, has a lot in common with the feeling that addicts experience after taking another dose of their chosen drug. This is a conclusion made by neuroscientists Andreas Bartels and Semir Zeki from University College London.
This effect appears because the brain and adrenal glands produce the hormone noradrenaline. This same hormone is produced after cocaine or heroin intake. A person that is in love feels the need to meet their partner more and more because they want to experience that high.
3. When we fall in love, there is a hormonal cocktail in our body.
When we fall in love, several chemical processes in our brain occur that make us disregard our partner’s drawbacks. We also feel that our life is great only with our beloved and we depend on them emotionally. Hormones play a really important role here.
Oxytocin is responsible for emotional attachment and contributes to the deep emotional connection between partners. If the hypothalamus produces enough oxytocin, your stress levels decrease and the desire becomes even more intense.
Vasopressin is responsible for fidelity, a desire to take care of each other, and like oxytocin, emotional attachment.
Dopamine is the hormone of pleasure. Its production contributes to delightful and pleasant feelings. This hormone makes us feel high and it’s produced in great quantities when we eat or make love.
Serotonin is responsible for our ability to experience pleasure, it cheers us up, and improves the quality of our sexual life.
Cortisol is called the stress hormone and, according to several researchers, its levels are really high at the beginning of each relationship.
Our dependence on the chemistry of love grows stronger because of pheromones. Pheromones are produced by our body’s sweat glands (both men’s and women’s) and affect the receptors of the olfactory system.
This hormonal cocktail causes several physiological reactions like excessive sweating, rapid heartbeat, pupil dilation, sleep disorders, and loss of appetite.
2. Why can’t the feeling of falling in love last forever?
Biological rules are strict: our amorousness is just a fleeting chemical process that lasts for a maximum of 3 years.
During evolution, human beings needed it to survive. It would have been hard for our ancestors to take care of children, find food, and protect themselves if they were all alone. The feeling of falling in love helped couples stay together for the sake of their child’s survival. And as the child grew up, this feeling faded away.
In less than 3 years, nerve endings become almost insensitive to the production of these hormones. Also, the hormones themselves are produced in a much lower concentration. The brain function becomes stable, it starts working regularly, and hormones stop stimulating the couple’s emotional attachment.
1. Are all of our relationships doomed?
The period of falling in love is stressful for our body. A quiet rhythm is actually more effective for us. True love probably begins when the hormonal cocktail stops working.
Scientists have found that the attachment feeling that makes us live with our partner for a long period of time is related to oxytocin and vasopressin. The level of oxytocin rises when people hug, have sex, kiss, or just chat.
So here’s the conclusion: touches and tenderness are the best way to maintain long-term relationships. And don’t forget to keep up the ability to listen, express your gratitude, come to compromises, overcome conflicts, and move forward together.
Would you like the stupefying feeling of falling in love to last forever?
Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day at 8am & 12pm EST.
Browse through the annals of rock history, and you’ll find, just right of the spotlight, the women with whom the most famous and sexually appealing men of the era chose to spend time.
Often, it seems, those women were underage — girls, not women.
Pop culture’s fascination with teenagers is nothing new. Chuck Berry released “Sweet Little Sixteen” in 1958. The Beatles’ opening track on their debut album, “I Saw Her Standing There,” begins with the line, “She was just 17 / You know what I mean?” “Thank Heaven for Little Girls” idealizes future sexual potential (“Those little eyes so helpless and appealing / One day will flash and send you crashing through the ceiling”). And for some reason, many of the rich, powerful rock stars, who in their sexual primes could presumably sleep with anyone they chose, gravitated toward girls not old enough to drive.
Some of the girls — who are now grown women — linked to the men on this list have steadfastly maintained that their relationships with rock stars were consensual and overall positive experiences in their lives. Others say the opposite. Thinking about these relationships raises a number of questions about how we interact with the art in our lives. Is it ethical to enjoy music made by an awful person? Are all 25-year-olds who sleep with people under the age of 18 awful people? Should every case of statutory rape be equal in the court of public opinion? How old should teenagers be before society grants them complete sexual agency? Why do we view an average 25-year-old man who sleeps with a 14-year-old girl differently when the 25-year-old man is extremely famous?
What would you do if you knew a mid-20s man who was in an ongoing sexual relationship with a 14- to a 16-year-old girl?
Here are 11 rock stars who have been linked to underage women.
David Bowie As we detailed after Bowie’s death, David Bowie had strong links to the Baby Groupies of Los Angeles, and famous groupie Lori Maddox (often spelled Mattix) has repeatedly told the story of how she lost her virginity to Bowie when she was just 14. (Bowie was in his mid-20s.) Maddox has told the story many times over the years, and the details remain the same: Bowie pursued her, but she initially rejected him. Then months later she and fellow underage groupie Sable Starr ended up in a hotel room with Bowie, and the rock star took Maddox into a bathroom and took a bath with her and then had sex with her. The two would later have a threesome with Starr. It’s worth noting that Maddox doesn’t have any regrets about her experience with Bowie, noting that she would continue to see him on and off for 10 years after their first sexual encounter. “I feel like I was very present,” Maddox told phicklephilly. “I saw the greatest music ever. I got to hang out with some of the most amazing, most beautiful, most charismatic men in the world. I went to concerts in limos with police escorts. Am I going to regret this? No.”
Jimmy Page
Lori Maddox lost her virginity to David Bowie, but he wasn’t the only rock star she would sleep with during her groupie days. In fact, she is better known for her relationship with Led Zeppelin guitarist Jimmy Page. In her words, Page had Zeppelin manager Richard Cole “kidnap” her (Cole is also known as the man responsible for the infamous Zeppelin “mud shark” incident.) Maddox was just 14 when their relationship started; Page was 28.
“What happened is that I was kidnapped, literally,” Maddox said once in a documentary. “He told me was going to be with me, and I said no, he wasn’t, and he said, ‘Yes, I am.’ Then we all ended up at the Rainbow [Bar and Grill], and Richard Cole says to me, ‘Get in the bloody car and if you move, I’ll have your head.’ Next thing you know I’m at the [Hyatt House] hotel, and I’m walking down the hall, and next thing you know, I’m pulled into this door . . . And I turned around and, look, there was Jimmy sitting in the corner of the room with a hat and a cane saying, ‘I told you I’m gonna have you.'”
Apparently, Page’s flair for dramatics didn’t end on the guitar. He and Maddox would continue to see each other for the next few years, though he tightly controlled Maddox’s movements when they were together.
“He always left me with his security locked in the room. I wasn’t really allowed to go very many places with him,” she claimed.
Nevertheless, Maddox doesn’t seem to see herself as a victim. Quite the contrary. She speaks graciously of her time with rock stars and fondly recalls their time together.
“It was worth every minute, truly,” she says. “He was a beautiful person and he touched my life, deeply.”
R. Kelly
This one is dark. R. Kelly was a rising producer when he met teenage singer Aaliyah Haughton. He became the producer and lead songwriter for her debut album. He illegally married Aaliyah in 1994 when she was 14 and he was more than a decade her senior. He even had the guts to name her debut album, Age Ain’t Nothing but a Number. “The marriage was quickly annulled once Aaliyah’s family and the public found out,” reported the Chicago Sun-Times, but more troubling allegations involving underage girls would continue to pile up around Kelly. In 2002, Chicago prosecutors charged Kelly with 21 counts related to child pornography, mostly revolving around one sex tape involving a then-35-year-old Kelly and a 14-year-old girl that included intercourse, fellatio, and urination. Yes, this is the incident Dave Chappelle mercilessly ridiculed on his Comedy Central show in 2003, but you have to remember — there was a real 14-year-old girl in that video, according to her friend’s testimony at the trial. The charges against Kelly did not result in a conviction.
Journalist Jim DeRogatis was the pop music critic at the Sun-Times when someone anonymously shipped two sex tapes starring R. Kelly to the paper. When DeRogatis described the case against R. Kelly to our former sister paper Village Voice two years ago, he used the descriptor “stomach-churning.”
“Dozens of girls — not one, not two, dozens — with harrowing lawsuits,” he said. “The videotapes — and not just one videotape, numerous videotapes. And not Tommy Lee/Pam Anderson, Kardashian fun video. You watch the video for which he was indicted and there is the disembodied look of the rape victim. He orders her to call him Daddy. He urinates in her mouth and instructs her at great length on how to position herself to receive his ‘gift.’ It’s a rape that you’re watching. So we’re not talking about rock star misbehavior, which men or women can do. We’re talking about predatory behavior. Their lives were ruined. Read the lawsuits!”
Ted Nugent
Ted Nugent released a song in 1981 called “Jailbait.” Here are some of the lyrics:
“Well, I don’t care if you’re just 13 / You look too good to be true / I just know that you’re probably clean.”
“It’s quite all right, I asked your mama / Wait a minute, officer / Don’t put those handcuffs on me / Put them on her, and I’ll share her with you.”
Yeah, sure, the lyrics are creepy, especially the part about asking a girl’s parents for permission to “share” their daughter with a police officer in order to evade arrest. But what’s even creepier is how those lyrics mirrored real life. Nugent couldn’t legally marry 17-year-old Pele Massa in 1978, so he arranged with her parents to become her legal guardian. They would stay together for nine years, and Nugent would say that at the time he was “addicted to girls.”
Steven Tyler
At least the one underage groupie who slept with David Bowie proclaims no regrets. Such is not the case with Steven Tyler.
Julia Holcomb had just turned 16 when she met the Aerosmith singer at a concert in Portland, Oregon. She had not lived a happy life before meeting him. Her father abandoned her mother early on, and her younger brother died in a car accident when she was 13.
She was in a fragile place when a 24-year-old woman befriended her, dressed her in revealing clothing, and got them backstage at an Aerosmith concert.
Holcomb tells this account in a 5,000-word essay on Life Site, an anti-abortion blog with an obvious agenda. Perhaps as a result, she skips the details of how she and Tyler met and skips to her mother granting Tyler guardianship over her, the reason being so that he could bring her on tour with him over state lines.
Tyler ended up impregnating her, and by her account, they almost ended up married. Things soured, however, and Tyler pressured her to get an abortion at five months, one week before the legal limit. She went through with it, moved home, and except for a few phone calls, never heard from Tyler again.
“In spite of everything, I do not hate Steven Tyler, nor am I personally bitter,” Holcomb writes. “I pray for his sincere conversion of heart and hope he can find God’s grace.”
Jerry Lee Lewis
Yes, it was 1958. But even back then, a 22-year-old marrying his 13-year-old cousin while still married to another woman was scandalous. And yet that’s exactly what Jerry Lee Lewis, one of rock ’n’ roll’s most important pioneers, did. It was in 1958 when British journalists learned of the tender young age of Myra Gale Brown, and the ensuing uproar caused Lewis to cancel his tour and spoiled his chance to dethrone Elvis as the king of rock.
There’s one detail that is particularly unsettling: When Brown moved out of her parent’s house to join Lewis on tour, she packed her belongings in the only container she had — her dollhouse.
“It’s been as if my life has gone on without my permission. I have been a bystander in my life,” she told the Philadelphia Enquirer in 1989.
At 14, the couple had a child, who would die in a swimming pool accident three years later. Lewis’s infidelity and drug use further strained the marriage, and they got divorced in 1971. Lewis, who is still alive, married for a seventh time in 2012. He kept it in the family again — she was reportedly his cousin’s ex-wife.
Marvin Gaye
Here’s an interesting bit of music trivia — who is Marvin Gaye speaking to in “Let’s Get It On”? The answer is Janice Hunter, Gaye’s second wife and father to two of his children. They met when Hunter was 17, and according to Hunter’s 2015 memoir, After the Dance, Gaye took her out to dinner and bribed the waiter $20 to serve his underage companion apricot sours.
They began an intense sexual relationship, according to Hunter. She quickly learned of Gaye’s possessive side.
“I don’t want to share you,” she says he told her. “There are all those strapping young high school football players looking to love on you. They’re my competitors.”
As an aside, Hunter was the part of Marvin Gaye’s estate that successfully sued Robin Thicke and Pharrell Williams for plagiarism, prying more than $7 million from the two musicians’ hands.
Bill Wyman
No one cares about the bass player if the bass player doesn’t sing, even if that band is the Rolling Stones. Perhaps that’s why no one seems to know or care that Wyman began a sexual relationship with a teenage girl in the mid-’80s.
Mandy Smith told the Daily Mail that she began hitting the English club scene at a young age, where she eventually ran into Wyman. The two began a relationship when she was 13 and he was in his 30s, and it became sexual when she was 14. They married in 1989 to much fanfare, when Smith was 18, but just two years later would get divorced. In an added wrinkle, Wyman’s son from his first wife ended up marrying Smith’s mother.
When the Daily Mail writer asked Smith whether it’s appropriate for a teenage girl to marry a much older man, Smith reacted strongly.
“‘It’s not about being physically mature. It’s emotional maturity that matters,” she said. “I don’t think most 16-year-olds are ready. I think the age of consent should be raised to 18 at a minimum, and some girls aren’t even ready then.”
Elvis Presley
The King of rock can thank Jerry Lee Lewis’ libido for disrupting a challenge to the throne, but Presley wasn’t without his own girl problems. Priscilla Presley, Elvis’ wife, was just 14 when the couple met. The King’s attention quickly overwhelmed her, and by age 17 she was living with Elvis in Graceland. His demands eventually overwhelmed her personality.
“I was someone he created,’ she told the Daily Mail in 2010. “I was just a kid and I was consumed by him. All I desired was not to disappoint him.”
Alanna Nash compiled tales from Elvis’ lovers in a 2010 book, Baby, Let’s Play House: Elvis Presley and the Women Who Loved Him. In the New York Times‘ review of the book, Janet Maslin noted that the book contains a series of pictures of Elvis’ girlfriends, who all share one unsettling physical trait.
“The pictures tell a powerful story,” Maslin writes. “He worked his way through a lifetime’s worth of women who looked like his brown-haired, soulful-eyed mother, Gladys.”
The same review quotes Lamar Fike, a close associate of Elvis, with this observation of Elvis’ fixation with Priscilla:
“I’ll give you Elvis’ relationship with Priscilla in a nutshell. You create a statue. And then you get tired of looking at it,” Fike told Nash.
Iggy Pop
Iggy Pop was one of baby groupie Sable Starr’s many celebrity lovers. There’s no ambiguity here — besides the many pictures of the two together, Iggy wrote a song, “Look Away,” from the 1996 album Naughty Little Doggy, about their relationship. “I slept with Sable when she was 13 / Her parents were too rich to do anything / She walked her way around L.A. / Till a New York Doll carried her away.”
(Starr moved to New York City to live with New York Dolls member Johnny Thunders at age 16, and their relationship ended in a torrent of abuse. “After I was with him, I just wasn’t Sable Starr anymore. He really destroyed the Sable Starr thing. Se made me throw away all my diaries and all my phone numbers down the incinerator, and he ripped up my scrapbook,” she says in Please Kill Me: the Uncensored Oral History of Punk.)
Now, Iggy Pop is about 10 years Sable’s elder. “Look Away” is a mournful song, a blurry reminiscence through a hazy lens. Iggy seems to carry a little shame at how he treated Sable, and how when he saw a nasty situation developing between the teenager and the New York Doll, he simply ignored it — looked away.
“I found her in a back street with her looks half gone / she was sellinsomething that I was on,” he sings. He later concludes the story, “So a few years later Thunder died broke / Sable had a baby back at her folks / Me, I went straight and serious too / There wasn’t much else that I could do.”
Mick Jagger
Lori Maddox relates a story about having BDSM-flavored sex with Jagger when she was 17.
“I remember being 17 and hanging out at the Record Plant in LA. I was friends with the owner and everybody recorded there. I saw three of the Beatles with Mick Jagger and Stevie Wonder having this great jam session. But then Mick started fighting with McCartney or Lennon over who would sing on a particular song. Mick got pissed off. He took me to one of the bondage-themed bedrooms that the studio had. Mick said, “Let’s go fuck and get high.” We did blow all night and talked and hung out until the morning. We tried to have sex all night, but, at a certain point, he couldn’t get hard anymore. We were both very high. Another time, Mick [had me] on a bathroom floor while Bianca was getting ready for surgery. The sex was very consensual.”
Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.
I sometimes hear from panicked husbands who have just cheated on their wives. They often didn’t intend for this to happen and are reeling as to what to do next. Many ask me what they should do immediately following the cheating. I often hear comments like: “I just cheated on my wife. This is a disaster. I love my wife and am committed to my marriage and I have no idea what I was thinking or how I could be so stupid. What do I do now? How do I make this right so that it’s not going to absolutely destroy my marriage or my wife?”
And sometimes, I hear from the wives who have just found out that their husbands have cheated. They often ask me what their husbands can do to make things right again. An example is a comment like: “I just found out my husband cheated once. I am devastated and I don’t know where we go from here. He keeps asking me what he can do to help me get over this, but I have no idea what to tell him. I’m not sure that there’s anything that he could do to make me feel any better.” So, in the following article, I’m going to offer some suggestions as to what a husband should do after he cheats in order to begin the process of healing.
Immediately Remove Yourself From The Situation And The Other Woman. Do Not Give Yourself The Chance To Cheat Again: I do believe that there are some men who never intended to cheat on their wives. And once it happens, they’re lost because they truly didn’t see it coming and were completely unprepared. Sometimes when they tell you that “it just happened,” they aren’t completely being dishonest, although a lack of intent doesn’t mean innocence either.
That’s why it’s so important that the husband remove himself from the other person and any circumstances that contributed to the cheating. It’s not at all uncommon for me to hear from men who vow never to cheat again, but who later end up doing just that because, once again, they found themselves in situation that they did not plan but could not resist. I’ve even had men tell me that they went to break things off with (or make things clear to) the other woman only to end up cheating with her once again.
My suggestion is to cut off all communication. And if you just have to communicate with her to make your intentions clear, then do not do this in person where there’s potential for more cheating or temptation. If you work with or regularly see this person, then you will need to make some changes. You do not want to put yourself in a situation where you have continued contact. This is not good for you, for her, for your marriage, or for your wife
Figure Out What Really Went Wrong And Truly Fix It: Even though you might 100% believe that you had no intentions of cheating, the fact is that, for whatever reason, you did. In my opinion, people truly don’t act without reason or motivation. There had to have been something that contributed to your impulsive actions. It’s pretty easy to place the blame on the marriage, your wife, or even the other woman. But you are often better off looking within yourself.
Because no matter what risk factors were present, you did have a choice. Why did you make the choice that you did? Look at issues like poor impulse control, a lack of self-esteem, any tendencies for reckless behavior or self sabotage, or other pressures or flaws that may have contributed to your cheating. It’s important to be brutally honest with yourself and to get help if you need it. Because it’s not fair (or realistic) to ask your wife to forgive you or to give your marriage another chance when you can’t completely assure you that you will never cheat again. You must remove any risk factors so that you are both secure in the future
Decide If You’re Going To Tell Your Wife About Your Cheating: Whether to admit to the cheating is one of the most common questions that I’m asked by husbands. Many wonder if they are better off just admitting everything or if it would be better to spare their wife the pain, make any changes on their own, and remain silent. I can not make this decision for you. Only you know your wife (and what your reaction might be,) as well as your comfort level with keeping this from her and the level of guilt that you are grappling with.
You also need to consider how likely she is to find out about the cheating because I can tell you that if she finds out from someone else, this might factor into her future decisions. Many wives will see your keeping the cheating from them as just one more example of your deception. However, on the other side of the coin, once you tell her, you also have to be prepared to deal with the considerable fall out that this admission is going to cause.
Whether You Tell Your Wife About The Cheating Or Not, Have An Improvement Plan That You Fully Intend To Follow: Few people are ever going to buy that cheating can actually be a positive thing. But I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with trying to extract some positive changes from this huge mistake. If you cheat but then never gain any insights into your behavior and never make any positive changes in yourself and your marriage, then this whole process truly was a waste in which only the negative consequences mattered.
But, if you can at least gain some positive insights and make some positive changes that are likely to make things easier and better in the future, then at least some good came out of a very bad decision. If you can use this is a starting point or as the inspiration to become a better husband and a better man, then at least you made every attempt to make the best of your actions and this will hopefully matter to your wife, whether she knows what inspired your actions or not.
Thanks. I hope this was helpful. I’d like to hear your thoughts on this piece.
Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day at 8am & 12pm EST.
The world of he*erose*ual dating wisdom is a fascinating, mysterious place, filled with chimerical half-truths, blatant falsehoods, and things just strange enough to be true. One of the later facts is the statistical age gap between men and the women they message and date.
The article itself is a fascinating read on the raw data, but it doesn’t really get into the reasons that the age gap might exist. So here are nine, um, reasons people have proposed that men go for younger women, presented with the scientific respect that they deserve.
1. Men don’t find older women as attractive as younger women: That’s Rudder’s primary reason in the article. She actually says the phrase “Many of you are probably scoffing at the idea that many 35 year-olds are as attractive as many 25 year-olds,” at which point I must stop the writer and ask her what kind of unbelievable cowards she thinks are reading her piece. Then again, a straight guy recently tried to neg me by telling me I looked like Ellen DeGeneres, so I’m clearly less connected to what straight guys find attractive than I previously thought.
2. Because they’re afraid of death: In a recent interview on aging, Stacey London of “What Not To Wear” fame said, “Maybe there’s a fear of mortality when men watch women age, and that it’s just too much of a mirror.” See, I personally like that interpretation because it implies that women are immortal and do not fear death.
3. Because younger women literally make them live longer: Okay, maybe the above reason isn’t as ridiculous as I thought. Because a study done by Sven Drefahl of the University of Stockholm found that men (over fifty) with much younger spouses tended to live for longer. I mean, the study didn’t control for health (which might affect both how much men are able to get younger women and how long they live) but didn’t Hugh Hefner live until he was like 90 gazillions even though he was clearly dying for the last twenty years?
4. Younger women are more permissive: In a recent article, the site “Meaww” suggested (with no proof positive) that younger women can be “all right with things that older women would not be” and that older men go for them to “achieve fantasies which they may not have lived with older women.” Mmmm. I sure would love to respond to that, but I have a serious case of “my eyes falling out” and I need to go get medical attention.
5. “Older men need ego massages all the time. Younger girls are available to do that work”: As a certified Younger Girl™, I have to tell you, reading this phrase made me physically recoil like a trodden-upon snake. I’d like to take the opportunity to mention that any older man who sees me primarily as a source of ego-massages is going to get an ego-prod from the toe of my ego-hiking-boots.
6. Because women their age aren’t in their fertile crescent anymore: Professor Madeleine Fugere, author of The Social Psychology of Attraction and Romantic Relationships, echoes many evolutionary psychologists when she says that men dating younger is all about “ensuring that a prospective partner is fertile.” Well, if so, bad news for the dudes: your sper*m’s got an expiration date, too (starting around age 40).
7. Because women their age are Too Into Having Children: In a survey of responses on whisper, an anonymous confession site, a frequent theme was that men were tired of women their age nagging them to have children before the alarm on their biological clock goes off. I can’t help but detect the faintest hint of irony, in combination with the previous point.
8. Because of insecurity: Now-disgraced Male Feminist and academic Hugo Schwyzer wrote in a 2011 article that middle-aged men go for younger women because they’re insecure and “they don’t seem to value validation from women their own age as much as they value it from women 10 to 25 years younger.” This almost made me feel sorry for the 60-year-old man who hit on 21-year-old barista me in between telling me about his 30-year-old daughter. Almost.
9. Because younger women have lower self-esteem/lower confidence/lower expectations: This reason is more anecdotal than scientifically tested, but it came up a lot in my research. And it’s not good. I mean, I’m not one to judge consenting adult relationships, even ones with a big age gap! But if you’re getting into relationships with much younger women specifically because you like the power differential? No matter who you’re dating, no matter how old you both are, you have to be prepared to see your partner as an equal.
Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day at 8am EST.
You arrive at the coffee shop early to meet your date. Positioned where you can see the front door, you spot him as soon as he walks in. You knew what he would look like, because you gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was not using his college photo in his online profile. Now comes the real test: The two of you are about to trade first impressions — which research shows will immediately define the course of your relationship.
We are all familiar with the power of first impressions and how hard they are to change. Research corroborates this reality, demonstrating how quickly impressions are made, and how we use our perception to separate the dangerous from the desirable. While photos are important, a first date is your opportunity to both look and listen, because one of the most alluring traits you can display on a first meeting is emotional responsiveness.
The Seduction of Sensitivity
When daters meet in person for the first time, they both strive to put their best foot forward — which often involves expressing positive emotion. Yet ironically, research indicates it is the way you respond when a prospective partner shares negative emotion that can make you especially appealing.
A study by Birnbaum and Reis (2012) showed that responsiveness can heighten sexual attraction.[i] They had participants discuss a negative experience with an unfamiliar, opposite-sex partner, then rated the partner’s responsiveness, as well as their sexual desire for the partner. They found that responsive partners were viewed as more sexually desirable, primarily among individuals who are less avoidant. (Avoidance was described as discomfort associated with the closeness involved in sexual intimacy, which can result in separating sexual behavior from psychological intimacy.)
How exactly does responsiveness enhance allure? More recent research may provide some clues. In a study entitled “Why Do Men Prefer Nice Women?” Birnbaum et al. (2014) found that responsiveness may increase sexual interest in a target through signaling concern for one’s welfare.[ii] Yet there may be gender differences: The researchers found this phenomenon to be true for men, but not for women. The study found that men viewed a responsive stranger as more gender-typical (whether masculine or feminine), and therefore more attractive. One of their studies specifically found that responsive women were viewed by men as more feminine, which made them more sexually appealing, increasing their attractiveness and perceived suitability for a long-term relationship.
The Value of Physical Face Time
Unlike the smartphone calling feature of the same name, research seems to indicate that real face time cultivates chemistry more quickly. In a world where many people would rather text than talk, and relationships begin “in the cloud” rather than on the ground, attraction is still most effectively sparked in person.
Think about it in practical terms: Emotional responsiveness is harder to convey over email or the phone, where communication is devoid of visual cues. In person, eye contact and expressions of concern or understanding enhance active listening skills, which in turn enhance desirability. Because first dates capitalize on the power of personal perception, the quality of one’s face time remains the best way to make sure a great first date leads to a second.
Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day at 8am & 12pm EST.
“A selfish unforgiving decision had been made against my life.”
Jim and I remained friends. I would walk up to his house at 19th and Central Aves. every morning and we would walk to school together. We were close. I always felt a deep connection with Jim.
There was nothing open in Wildwood in 1979 after the season ended. I have no idea what the kids did here when not in school. I did notice a high level of drinking, drug use and teen pregnancy. So it was basically like living in an affluent rural area. An odd dichotomy.
School was going well for both of us. Me the fresh transplant from Philly, and him out of middle school and now in high school. Jim never felt younger to me. He always felt like a mature thoughtful, brooding equal.
We would just walk the streets at night of this resting resort town that felt like a ghost town to me for the first time. I had only known Wildwood as a full on circus every summer. This was its dark underbelly. A lonely empty place. We both did the best we could on this deserted island.
In the windy nights on the Cape we really got to know each other. We’d frequent the local haunts. There was a pizza place at 15th and New Jersey Aves. that was open all year round. We’d eat slices and drink sodas there. We’d go to the bowling alley. There was place called the Sundance around 26th and New Jersey Aves. Kids would gather there and eat and sip sodas. At least it was warm. Something to do.
We never bowled there, we’d just sit and talk and look at girls. Sometimes we’d end up at the 7 Eleven downstairs and talk to some weird clerk there we named Scoodly because that was entertaining to a couple of teenage boys. He was a bit eccentric and we got a kick out of him. But it always felt good to get a frozen soft pretzel from the freezer and pop it into the microwave. A sweet reminder of my lost city of Philadelphia.
My greatest memories of hanging with Jim in the dead of winter back then in this godforsaken wasteland was at that very bowling alley. We’d sneak into the little lounge they had there. There was always a live band playing in there and it was fun to watch older guys and girls play. We were just so fascinated by live music and bands that were working and do it.
We’d slip in and check out the latest band playing top 40. The music was not what we were into but it at least felt like something we were interested in. Sometimes we’d last longer than other times. I was 17. Jim was 15. But he looked older. The drinking age in Jersey back then was 18. Unbelievable by today’s standards. But I looked so young with my baby face but Jim could pull it off. We’d get a few beers and watch the set and do our best to be cool and hang in, but there was always that point after about two beers we’d be suspect.
I’d get tossed first and then they’d ask Jim for ID and he couldn’t provide either so out we’d go.
But we’d always go back because we wanted to see live music, and there was NOTHING in Wildwood to do in the winter back then. It was a horrible place to live as a teenager. A selfish unforgiving decision had been made against my life.
One night we met this guitar player in one of the lounge acts that was playing in that place. He was older but so nice to us. We told him how we were musicians and picked his brain about music. It just felt good to talk to older guys that were doing what we wanted to do. But not exactly.
“Jim, I would rather kill myself than play top 40 in a fucking bowling alley for a living. I want to be a band that plays in big bars and then tours and them makes records.”
“Yea.”
“I just would never want to have to play all of that shit for a living.”
“You need to get a real guitar.”
“What? My shit’s real.”
“It’s a Sears Silvertone kid’s electric guitar, Chaz.”
“Yea but I learned on that. I like it. It has good action.”
“It’s a fucking toy guitar. If you really want to play rock, and you’re serious about this you should get a proper instrument.”
“Alright well. I guess. I could start to look at instruments.”
“I play a Strat. It’s a really good versatile instrument.”
“Yea… your Fender’s awesome. Brown and functional. I think I’d like something a little flashier.”
“Well that’s up to you. It’s your money, but your guitar is shit.”
Yea, I guess you’re right.”
Suddenly we are approached by the bar manager.
“You guys got some ID?”
Jim and I do a simultaneous bottoms up with our beers and run out of the bar laughing.
I’m happy I have a friend and at least I have the bonus of him being a sensitive and funny musician like myself. Musician. Who and I kidding? I’ve only been playing guitar of six months.
But I’m learning fast.
Maybe I need to look at getting a real guitar.
So I can get this dream going….
Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day at 8am & 12pm EST.
“Life has never been more documented and less lived.”
Dating has certainly changed since the pre-Facebook age. Online dating is perplexing, Tinder can be humiliating, and Facebook can ruin a relationship. Technology has only made it easier for people to commit all kinds of social faux pas, like ghosting somebody after a series of great dates. In this era of internet-centric dating, making a new relationship “Facebook official” is an established milestone for new couples. But is officially declaring your relationship status on the world’s most popular social network actually a good idea?
Making a relationship “Facebook official” is a milestone that occurs on a nebulous timeline (usually sometime after the first few dates, or at whatever point one person in the relationship asks the other whether it’s time to update their relationship statuses on Facebook). But after that, everything else is a little less clear. Why does everyone feel compelled to declare their relationship status for all their high school friends and college acquaintances to see? And are there any compelling reasons that you and your significant other should link your Facebook profiles together?
There may be some arguments to be made for making your relationship official on the social network. (There are a few studies that suggest that people who post their relationship status on Facebook are more likely to feel committed to the relationship than people who don’t declare their relationship status.) But in our book, you really don’t need to officially declare your relationship, new or old, on the world’s largest social network. Read on to check out the reasons why you don’t have to make your relationship “Facebook official,” no matter what your college-aged self would have to say about the matter.
1. You may want to keep some of your personal information private
Your relationship status isn’t on our list of things you shouldn’t post on Facebook. Sharing the fact that you’re dating your new girlfriend or boyfriend won’t jeopardize your security online. It also won’t give online advertisers any valuable insight into the kinds of products and services that you may be likely to purchase. And it probably won’t alarm the relatives, colleagues, or college acquaintances who are among your Facebook friends.
But anyone who actually hangs out with you in real life probably knows whom you’re dating, or will within a few weeks of the relationship beginning. So unless you’re trying to broadcast your romantic success to the Facebook acquaintances you don’t really talk to (just don’t), you don’t really need to officially change your relationship status on Facebook, or publicly display it all.
2. Making your relationship “Facebook official” won’t make you more committed
For every study that finds that people who make their relationships “Facebook official” are more committed to that relationship, there’s another study that finds that people who feel the need to post about their relationship status online feel less secure about their romantic commitments or less confident about their partner’s feelings in the relationship.
Simply sharing your relationship status on Facebook won’t make you or your partner more committed to the relationship, and it probably won’t make you feel more secure in the relationship, either. If you regard sharing your relationship status on Facebook as an important step in a serious relationship, then it may make you happy to officially declare it on Facebook. But don’t expect that little “in a relationship” field on your profile to magically make you happier, more secure, or more committed to your partner.
3. Declaring your relationship on Facebook won’t make your relationship better
This is the ultimate in stating the obvious, but hear us out. People get a little obsessed with the idea of projecting the perfect image online. That may work just fine with things like your apartment, since everybody knows that you just slid the basket of dirty laundry out of the frame before snapping a photo, but it doesn’t work as well with things like your love life.
If you’re in a relationship that you’re really not that excited about, or dating somebody that you know isn’t a great match, it’s not going to make that partnership any better if you announce it on Facebook. Sure, it may be nice to upload a cute photo or two and get some likes, but that’s a very short-term emotional boost that ultimately won’t make you and your partner any more compatible or any better at communicating with one another.
4. Your photos will probably make your relationship obvious, anyway
If you regularly share photos and other posts on Facebook, intentionally and directly declaring your relationship is probably unnecessary. Photos of you and your partner together will likely make it obvious that you’re dating. And if your photos aren’t particularly prolific or unambiguous, the kinds of posts that you and your girlfriend or boyfriend share are likely to give you away.
There are plenty of people, both single and in long-term relationships, who don’t bother to directly declare their relationship statuses. If you’re an active Facebook user, your usage of the social network will likely make it obvious whom you spend your time with. So when you go from single to being in a relationship, your photos will likely make that obvious enough to your Facebook friends without an official declaration of your relationship status.
5. Declaring your relationship makes it easy to overshare
So, you’ve told everybody on Facebook about your new boyfriend or girlfriend. It may not seem like it, but that move may just pave the way for over sharing in your near future. You probably have those Facebook friends who post petty details about fights with their significant others, or post almost everyday about whatever sweet thing their partner has done for them. That kind of oversharing is pretty easy to do once you think that Facebook is a good place to share those details.
It’s probably better for your relationship, and for the sanity of your Facebook friends, if you don’t think of Facebook as the kind of place where it’s appropriate to share details about the things that your partner has done or said. An occasional post — the kind of post that you wouldn’t mind your family seeing — is no problem. But continually updating the world on how your day-to-day life with your partner is going may be a little too much to share.
6. Making things official opens the door for commentary
Even if you avoid the tendency to overshare, sharing posts that are specifically and pointedly about your relationship opens the whole thing up for comments. Facebook allows the friends of both parties to comment on a status declaring a new relationship. And all of those comments are something that you probably want to avoid if at all possible.
Most of the comments will be innocuous, and perhaps a little sweet. Others will be from sort-of friends asking for all kinds of details that you probably don’t want to share. And even worse, out-of-touch relatives may comment and ask about what happened to the last guy or girl you dated. Do you really need a better reason to hold off on making your relationship “Facebook official”?
7. Breaking up is more of a hassle when the relationship is official on Facebook
It’s usually not productive to think about how things might end when they’ve just begun. But if you need a final reason not to make your relationship “Facebook official,” just think about the obnoxious News Feed story that Facebook will automatically generate if/when you need to change your relationship status back to “single.”
If you thought that the comments people make when you post about a new relationship are obnoxious, you don’t even want to know how annoying people are when Facebook tells them that you broke up with your girlfriend or boyfriend. Expect to avoid questions that you don’t really want to answer and to get all kinds of concerned messages from people who are worried about you (or at least pretend to be).
I went big on Facebook when I was in a short relationship with Annabelle. (See: Annabelle – Nice To Meet You) When Annabelle dumped me it was devastating, but what made it worse was that my 5000 followers on Facebook knew it the moment it happened. I vowed that day to never use social media again except to promote this blog.
I never look at social media anymore. It’s worthless. I don’t care about what you’re having for lunch, your vacation, or least of all your damn kids.
It’s all a waste of time. Life has never been more documented and less lived.
Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day at 8am & 12pm EST.
We hired a girl named Caitlin to take Jill’s shifts. She’s a nice girl and does a good job, but she runs track and field at college and her schedule for practices is changing so we lost her after a few weeks.
Achilles meets this guy Mike. He came into the salon to tan one day. He’s a mountain of a man. Admits to Achilles that he uses steroids to get that huge.
Achilles is chatting with him about the fitness center we’re opening soon and Mike tells him he’s a certified personal trainer. So Achilles hires him to work at the salon, and when the gym opens he can work there.
Perfect. A muscle dude that said he’d be here to run the classes and could make some real income from the personal training. People pay big bucks for that stuff. This is a great opportunity for Mike.
I stop in one Saturday just to escape the heat. I chat a bit with Mike and he seems like a really nice guy. I even spoke to him about a business opportunity I was thinking about and he gave me good advice having had experience in a similar business. So all good.
Everything seems to be going well. We’ve recovered nicely after Trish’s cocaine arrest, Jill’s alcoholic meltdown, and Caitlin’s track re-scheduling.
But two weeks later, Achilles calls me. “I’m going to have to fire, Mike.”
“What happened?”
“He’s stealing money from me.”
“Stealing?”
“Yea. There’s almost no cash transactions on the nights he works and I’m just starting to see a pattern. I don’t think he knows the level at which we can track everything on the computer.”
“Aww dude. I’m sorry. We just can’t catch a break lately.”
“I know. Come in and we’ll have lunch today and figure out what to do.”
The next day when confronted with the crime, of course Mike denied any wrong doing to the point where Achilles almost believed him. But once Achilles dug deeper and examined all of the records in the system there was no doubt in his mind that Mike had been skimming cash from the register.
I hear that steroids are expensive.
Anyway, we fired his thieving ass and banned him from ever coming to the salon again.
Guess who’s working all the shifts everyday for a while?
That’s right! Me. At least Achilles and I know that the people who work here are trustworthy and dependable. Because it’s down to the two of us!
Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.
Buy Phicklephilly THE BOOK now available on Amazon!
Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!
As you spend time nurturing and caring your newborn, it is important not to overlook your relationship with your spouse. Your relationship with your husband or wife might start to take a toll if both parties do not make any effort to sustain the relationship.
Here are eight tips how you can improve your relationship:
1. Have weekly ‘relationship dates’
Reserve a few hours each week to go on a date. Such dates do not have to be fanciful or expensive. A simple activity such as packing a picnic or taking a walk down the beach is good enough. Spend time to talk about what is going on in your life, where both of your relationship is heading, or resolve past issues.
2. Ensure you have your partner’s attention before talking about an important issue
Simply ask, “Is this a good time for us to talk?” This will ascertain the fact that you are being heard. Avoid holding a conversation when your partner’s mind is on something else. Schedule a time when both of you will be able to give each other undivided attention. However, in times of crisis, it is crucial to drop everything at hand and be prepared to listen.
3. Give in on the little things
Ever heard the saying: “Don’t sweat the small stuff, and remember, it’s all small stuff”? With the arrival of your baby, your attention and priorities have changed, and there are bigger things at stake. Consider reading Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff in Love (by Richard Carlson and his wife of 14 years, Kristine) for their simple and stress-free approach to love.
4. Find ways to say ‘I love you’ without saying the actual words
Random acts of kindness go a long way in demonstrating your love to your partner. Simple acts such as setting the coffee machine to brew, making lunch or opening the car door goes a long way. You can always be nice without reason.
5. Saying “I love you”
It might sound like an oxymoron comparing to point number 4, however I assure you, it isn’t. Besides being kind and considerate, it is always nice to remind and assure your spouse of your love. The saying, “Love not expressed is love not received,” rings true. If you want your spouse to know about your affection, speak it and show it.
6. Communicate your feelings in a loving, constructive way
If you do not wish to hurt your partner, refrain from speaking your feelings out of hurt or anger. I assure you that you are not doing your partner a favour, or yourself. Instead, the grudges you nurse or resentment you harbour is only poison that will kill your relationship over time. Find a way to communicate openly and amicably.
7. Fight fair
It is inevitable that conflicts will arise. Do not get caught up in the bickering game and leave it without any concrete solutions. The solution is to resolve a conflict in a positive, constructive manner. Never threaten the relationship. Don’t call each other names or belittle each other. Resolve issues before going to sleep, or agree to disagree.
8. Act romantic and you will feel romantic
Do not wait for the right “mood” to be romantic. Set the scene, be receptive to touch, and you will be surprised at how your desire will arise naturally. Part of being romantic has to do with understanding the way you like to be romanced, while the other part is just being open to possibilities.
With these tips, may your household continue to be one of love.
Thanks for reading this article. And please like this article if this is helpful.
Keep smiling. 🙂
Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day at 8am & 12pm EST.
Phicklephilly 