If You Start Dating Your Best Friend, Remember These 6 Important Things

So, it happened. You caught feelings for your BFF. When a relationship starts out platonic and blossoms into something more, it can be tricky to know how to navigate the shift. But let’s say you’ve done it — you’ve expressed your feelings, you both have a crush, and you decide to take the leap into romantic territory. Yay! When you start dating your best friend, it’s exciting and scary at the same time. You know this person well, and they’re already your go-to pal, but now you also get to make out with them on the reg. What a time to be alive.

As thrilling as it is, though, dating your bestie doesn’t always come as naturally as you might expect. After all, it’s a big change from your former status as “just friends.” When you become romantically involved, your relationship is going to be different than it was before. And it requires some intentional thought as to how you’re going to make things work. “Everything will change,” explains Jennifer B. Rhodes, PsyD. “Expecting it will help you cultivate the flexibility you will need to move through the transition.” It’s important to stay open to change so you can work through it together as a couple.

If you’ve just started dating your best friend, keep the following things in mind to help your relationship thrive.

1. YOU BOTH NEED TO BE ON THE SAME PAGE.

This is important in any new relationship, but especially with BFFs, you risk hurt feelings if one of you wants something more serious than the other does. “Questions such as, ‘Are you monogamous?’ or, ‘Are you entering the murky water of FWB?’ will need to be answered,” says dating coach Julie Spira. “If one wants to have a casual relationship or FWB, and the other is falling in love, it will backfire. Make sure you’re on the same page, and it will help with the bumps on the road.”

2. DEVELOPING A ROUTINE WILL HELP YOU ADJUST.

When you transition from friends into romantic partners, your schedules will need to adapt to meet this shift. Don’t expect that you’ll be spending the same amount of time together as you did when you were friends — it might be more or less, depending on what feels right for both of you. “Do you have a standing date night such as Saturday night, or are you spending the entire weekend together?” Spira wonders. “Once you get in a groove, your relationship will grow like any other.” The sooner you can figure out how often you want to see each other, the easier time you will have settling into the relationship.

3. YOU MIGHT BE TEMPTED TO MOVE TOO QUICKLY.

Unlike dating someone you just met, you already know this person extremely well. It’s a huge plus because you know how to have fun together, but it can also make it feel like your romantic relationship is farther along than it really is. Don’t risk getting too serious too quickly. “Just like every relationship, you need to go through the phases,” Spira explains. “To go from being BFFs to moving in overnight isn’t a good idea.” Remember that even though you have history together, this dating partnership is new for both of you. The more careful you can be about taking your time, the less likely you are to get too deep into something you can’t sustain.

4. YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY WILL BE CURIOUS.

The people in your life know you two as friends, so they’ll need time to adjust to you being a couple. You might not need to introduce your SO to your friends and family (if they already know him or her), but you will need to introduce them as your partner. Be intentional about this. “Let’s not forget about your extended group of friends who will now be seeing you as a couple instead of two close friends,” Spira notes. She says that telling your squad might be scary, but it’s important to do it whenever you feel comfortable.

You can tell them together or separately, whatever feels more natural — but try to emphasize how excited you are for this next step. It doesn’t mean you’ll lose your friendships with them, just that things will be a little different from now on. Your friends should be excited to see you happy, and it’ll help you feel like a more established couple if you get your love out into the open when you’re ready.

5. YOUR COMMUNICATION TACTICS MAY NEED TO SHIFT.

Don’t expect that you’ll be able to communicate the same way you have in the past. Even if you’re accustomed to talking about vulnerable things, the subjects you discuss will change a bit. “The more you can communicate about your needs and desires, the easier it is for your partner to be their best and vice-versa,” Spira says. With BFFs, you don’t need to have conversations about defining the relationship, physical boundaries, or sexual preferences. As partners, these will all become important topics to discuss. Don’t shy away from the tough stuff because you’re nervous about how the conversation will go — instead, consider open communication essential to deepening your bond.

6. STAYING OPEN TO CHANGE IS YOUR KEY TO SUCCESS.

As much as you loved your friendship, you’re starting a new chapter now. And this is going to bring about change — there’s no doubt about it. But if you go in knowing this, you’ll be open to rolling with the transitions as they come. “Don’t take each other for granted,” Spira emphasizes. You’ve been in each other’s lives for a long time, but don’t let that make you complacent! “Allow the relationship to grow in a natural way, and decide together if you’re working towards a future together,” Spira suggests. Just like any other relationship, you’ll grow together in stages, so embrace the process and keep an open mind.

When it’s pursued with intention, dating your best friend can be pure magic. “Having a romantic partner who is your best friend is like winning the love lottery,” Spira says. “Enjoy and savor every moment.” It’s so exciting to take your relationship to the next level, even if it’s not always easy. Remember why you got along so well in the first place, and use that as a foundation to help your romantic life blossom into something even greater.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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When Dating Someone You’re Friendly With, Remember These 9 Things

I’m friendly with a lot of people, and it’s mostly fun. Sometimes, when I get worn out on Tinder (two seconds into swiping), I think “why not just date someone I already know?” Surely I could scour my social networks for one person who wanted to go on a date with me (don’t argue with me on this, please, I beg you). There are a few things to keep in mind before dating someone you’re friendly with, and I made a list of them for you.

While I love the idea of going on a date with someone I’m already friendly with, I know it comes with a few extra things to think about. Dating someone you’ve never met before also has its challenges, to be fair. But do keep in mind that you already know the other person, so you already know some facts and info about them that you’ll have to be mindful of as you date them. You’re friendly with them for a reason, which is that you like them as a person, so don’t be afraid to get involved with someone you’re friendly with (if that’s what you want).

 

1. YOU MIGHT RUN INTO THEM A LOT

Maybe they’re in your circle of friends. Maybe you see them regularly at work or the gym or your favorite bar. You’ve become friendly with them because you’ve met them at least a few times before, so you could run into them again. If you’re afraid of seeing someone you’re dating (or have dated) in the real world, keep this in mind before dating someone you’re friendly with.

2. YOU ALREADY KNOW FACTS ABOUT THEM

When you date someone who you’re already friendly with, there’s a lot about them you already know. You might know where they’re from, what they do, and — possibly — who they’ve dated before. This is all totally fine and normal, but it does mean that the first date isn’t a get-to-know-you as much as a let’s-make-conversation, so you’ll have to keep that in mind when dating someone you’re friendly with.

3. YOU COULD LOSE A FRIEND

Breakups happen, and if the person you’re interested in dating is a friend, you do run the risk of that friendship ending. Of course, many couples break up and remain friends (and there’s no guarantee you’ll break up), but adding another layer to the friendship (a romantic layer, like the middle of a red velvet cake) does mean the underlying friendship could be at risk later on.

4. THEY MIGHT TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS

They might be friends with a lot of your friends, which is how you got to know them in the first place. This doesn’t mean they’ll tell your friends anything bad about you, but they might casually slip to your friends that the two of you are seeing each other. If you’re on the private side and like to wait a bit before sharing things with your friends (and the mutual friends you have might not be your closest friends), this is something to keep in mind.

5. YOU HAVE TO SHIFT HOW YOU SEE EACH OTHER

You’ve seen each other in a friendly way before. Maybe you’ve had a little crush (hence why you’re now starting to date), but it hasn’t yet become romantic. The two of you will have to shift your perceptions to see each other as potential romantic or sexual partners (which is totally doable, it’s just something to think about beforehand).

6. YOU COULD LEARN YOU DON’T LIKE THEM

I’ve had guys I’ve seen around and exchanged a few sentences with every now and then, and I would have told you I had crushes on them. Sometimes, a small interaction is all it takes. But sometimes you have a longer interaction and realize they’re not actually someone you want to date. Try to consider this if you’re going to start dating a person you’re already friendly with — it’s OK for your feelings to change, but it might be easier if you’re ready for it.

7. THEY MAY HAVE IDEAS ABOUT WHO YOU ARE

When you go on a first date, you might want to feel like you have a clean slate. If you’re already friendly with the other person, they could have a preconceived idea about who you are, such as assuming you’re very serious when they just haven’t seen your silly side yet, and this can change the date. As long as the two of you are open to getting to know each other in an honest sense, this won’t be an issue, but it’s something to think about beforehand.

8. THEY MAY ALREADY HAVE ACCESS TO YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA

Is your Instagram or Twitter private? Mine isn’t, but many times, I’ve wished it were. I don’t love going on a first date with someone who’s seen my “content” (dog pics, poop occasionally included) ahead of time, but it happens. If you’re friendly with someone, you might be following each other on all social media platforms, private or not. This isn’t a bad thing, it’s just more information that they know about you that may or may not represent the real you, so keep it in mind before the date.

9. YOUR FRIENDS COULD HAVE AN OPINION ON IT

My friends sometimes have an opinion on who I date based strictly on a few Tinder screenshots, so if I go out with someone they already know, they’re pretty ready to chime in. This can be really helpful because if they like the person, they’ll be extra supportive, but you should try to be ready for other outcomes too.

Dating someone you’re friendly with can be a really fun experience. You’re friendly because you like each other’s vibe and maybe you have some hobbies in common that cause you to run into each other. As long as you can put aside preconceived ideas about who the other person is and accept them for who they are, you can have a great experience. So don’t be afraid put down the apps and go have a blast with someone you already know!

 

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7 Women Who Caught Feelings For Their Best Friends Revealed What Happens When They Confessed

Are you ready for some majorly juicy stories? Well, seven women who caught feelings for their best friends just shared all of the details on Reddit AskWomen. From Harry and Sally to Jim and Pam, we’ve got plenty of examples of best friends falling in love to look to on TV and in movies. In fact, I’d go so far as to argue that it’s one of our favorite romantic narratives. But, obvi, TV and movies don’t always accurately reflect real life. IRL, developing feelings for your best friend can be way more complicated. What if they don’t feel the same way and your friendship is ruined forever? What if they do feel the same way but you just don’t vibe as a couple? What if they start dating someone else and it slowly crushes your soul piece by piece?! You get the picture. It’s daunting. You’re not guaranteed a happy ending like the characters in your favorite shows and movies.

But there is one universal truth that you can take comfort in if you’re in love with your best friend: You’re not alone. Plenty of people find themselves falling in love with their best friends. And, luckily, a few of them shared their stories on Reddit’s AskWomen thread. Read along below as seven ladies share what happened when they started developing feelings for their best friends.

 

Oh god, yes. I was desperately in love with my best friend for ages. I thought he felt the same and was also just too timid to say anything. Then one night we’re out and super drunk already and he pulls me away from the crowd and says he has to tell me something important. I was convinced that he’s about to tell me he loves me, but he was just beating around the bush for a while. I had it and decided to make the first step. I was just about to get up and kiss him when he finally says what he wanted to say and tells me that he’s gay. So that was that.

THEY WERE NEVER ABLE TO GET THE TIMING RIGHT.

Bustle on YouTube

I have and it didn’t turn out well. They actually admitted they had feelings for me first, but by the time I realized I felt the same things had changed between us. I told him, but I had screwed it up again and he didn’t feel the same way. We’re friends still, but he’s dating someone else which is nice since he seems happy with her.

More than anything though I regret taking so long to realize and so long to make a move. I wonder if things would be different if I did something sooner. So if you have feelings for your friend just go for it OP.

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Sabrina – Surprise Visit – Part 1

Sabrina texts me out of nowhere and wants to cash in her free spray tan.  She lives out-of-town but works down at Penn’s Landing at a marketing company. She loves her job and is doing great. I’m happy she’s doing well and has been sober for over 9 months.

She sees her kids every Saturday and is trying to get on better terms with her sort of ex husband. (They’re still legally married but have been split for over a year. But she refers to him as her Ex) According to her their marriage was toxic and she can’t be with him anymore. She lives in the house they own together but he pays the mortgage and I’m assuming some sort of support.

This is a woman I met at the salon with Jill. (See Jill – 2016 to Present – Client) Jill is an ex stripper/escort that can’t stop drinking. Sabrina met her in a halfway house and they have remained friends. Jill is a full-blown alcoholic and Sabrina is a drug addict. Jill told me Sabrina’s drug of choice was heroin but she’s done an amazing job rising from the ashes of her own destruction to live anew as a sober person.

Sabrina once told me that if she even took a sip of beer she’d be right back into it again. That’s addiction. But I know a few addicts that come in the salon that have been sober for decades and they are incredibly great people who have risen above and sustained their lives. Many are professional people like doctors and lawyers. Addiction doesn’t care who you are. It just tries to steal who you are and sledgehammer your life.

Jill is the one that told me that Sabrina wasn’t an alcoholic. She was heroin addict. But like I said, addiction is an insidious force that doesn’t choose between nationality, race, or social status. It just takes some of them.

I can drink wine every day and not lose my shit. It loosens my mind to write, kills my anxiety and depression, helps me sleep and is a social lubricant. But some people’s wiring just can’t take any foreign substances.

I could drink with someone who is an alcoholic and drink the same thing pound for pound all night long. I will maintain my buzz and go home and go to bed after a fun night.

They will in turn change in mood and personality. Lose their sense of time, sense, verbal ability, motor skills, and eventually black out and do bad things and never remember them. They will not destroy themselves. They’ll destroy everything and everyone around them. That’s addiction.

We’re all different. We all have the same chemical make up that makes us human, but all of our chemicals react differently to introduced to outside forces. Sometimes stimulation… sometimes absolute destruction. Booze is probably the worst because it’s legal and beloved by so many. Nobody high on marijuana ever aggressively hit a cop. A drunk guy who’s losing his shit with his wife would. The worst thing that happens when I’m around people who smoke pot is a boring endless story and I want a drink to get through listening to them.

Here’s the difference between weed and booze. I was friends with a great sensitive drummer named Rich back in the 80’s. He loved weed. I like booze. Here is the conversation when we’re banged up on our substances of choice walking down the street:

Rich: (Stoned) “Hey man… what if the color blue to me isn’t the same color blue to you?”

Me: (Whiskey) “I don’t fucking know. Check the crayon box, asshole.”

See the difference?

 

Anyway, my girl Sabrina wants to come in and get a spray tan. She’s middle eastern and is as brown as a penny and hot as hell, but her legs need color. I tell her we can help her. We can help anybody!

I’ll make all of you girls beautiful and tan. Leave it to me!

She says her legs are always covered and she wants to even out her look. I tell her the best way to do that is to go in a UV sunbed. Cover up the parts you don’t want tan and bake up your legs to match the rest of your delicious self.

Long term that would work for her. Her legs could catch up with the rest of her pretty brown skin.

But Sabrina wants to do a spray tan to just to even herself out and look good. I tell her it’s a temporary fix, but she’ll look great.

She comes in and we have a lovely chat. I tell her about my recent date with Bailey on Christmas Eve and how I’m seeing her again tonight  for some wine and Gelato when I close the salon. Sabrina is surprised and delighted that I’m going on a second date with Bailey. (See: Bailey – From Texting to Connection) 

She doesn’t know about Cherie so I tell her I adore her. “I can’t wait forever for you, Sabrina.” (Only half joking because I would totally love to date Sabrina and haven’t completely ruled out accomplishing that goal in the near future.)

“You’ll have to text me how it went! Have you kissed Bailey yet?”

“No. I hope to this evening.”

“You’ll have to text me if you do!”

She looks amazing and gorgeous. I wish she lived closer to the city so I could spend more time with her. I tell her how great she looks and how amazing her luxurious hair looks. She thanks me and attributes it to being sober.

I love that.

She tells me that Jill is about to be kicked out of her current residence because she’s drinking oceans of vodka and sleeping around. Jill is out of control. Sabrina tells me that Jill wants to come live with her.

I tell Sabrina the following: “You’ve been sober for 9 months. You see your kids. You have a great job now. You’re doing well. You can not bring Jill, the broken drunk into your house. EVER. You have to cut her off.”

Sabrina tells me that she can’t bring that shit into her house after finally getting clean and moving forward with her life. She’s going to have to have the “Talk” with Jill.

It’s sad because in Sabrina’s phone, Jill is still listed as “Roomie” from when they were in a halfway house. Sabrina has been an elegant Phoenix that has risen from the ashes of her own destruction, whereas Jill started drinking and whoring once she got out of rehab and the halfway house.

Jill is being kicked out of her present living situation because she can’t stop drinking and whoring.  Jill plows vodka and jumps from guy to guy. Screwing them and staying at their cribs until they kick her out. I’m sure she cares for her son but her behavior screams she doesn’t give a shit about him because she’s always loaded and riding cock somewhere, blackout drunk.

“The best place for her is to go back to the halfway house.”

Sweet Sabrina’s words ring like lovely bells on New Years day. The words from a mother that is struggling everyday to make her way in this life.

 

I’ll continue this story tomorrow…

 

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Sabrina – More Good News

When I last wrote about Sabrina she had just gotten a great new Marketing job with a company down on the waterfront.

She sent me some photos of her office and view. She has a really nice space and a clear view of the boats docked in the harbor. I’m really happy for her!

She asks if I’m doing my usual Monday routine. I tell her I’m over at Cavanaugh’s writing about when I lived in California n the early eighties with my band. So, yes just a regular Monday.

“I’m so proud of you, Sabrina! You really stepped up and made that new job happen. You’re office is amazing!”

“Thank you! I spoke it into reality with a little help from my friends.”

“You did it. Determination and drive. Proud of you! Now get divorced and get your alimony and freedom!”

“Yes that is next on my list!”

“This is your year, Sabrina! Rise up! Rise above!”

“Yes the last two years I lost everything! Now I’m coming back for everything that I lost and more.”

“Yea! Drop the bars of the cage you’ve been in and walk the heck out! You’re free!”

A week passes…

“Sunday brunch?”

“I work 11 to 4pm at the salon on Sunday, but would love to see you after 4.”

“Yea, then Sunday dinner. Would you be coming to my house in Havertown?”

(Could she mean sex?)

“No way to get there.”

“Oh right. I guess you can Uber? It’s $10-$11 bucks. Or I can meet you in the city if that’s better. I want to get my spray tan soon too. And give you a hug!”

(I like that last part)

“Can you come to the city?”

The next day…

“Hey are you at the tanning salon?”

“I am!”

“Ugh actually I gotta get back to work. I was gonna stop by real quick. I’ll see you Sunday.”

“Cool. See you Sunday.”

 

And it ends there. So Sunday we’ll meet up for some dinner. She doesn’t have to buy me dinner. I think she feels that because of the positive energy I provide and the snap to it assistance in trying to find her additional work, she feels she has to do something for me. I want nothing from her. I’m happy to help people. But if she wants to meet up for dinner, I could at least get the tip. (Remember how I used to always complain about the wallets never coming out? I need to seize her offer and enjoy her company!)

I know a place we can go that has reasonable priced food and is quiet. I was there recently with my friend Mary. (See: Mary – 2015 to Present – Unexpected Table for Two) I’ll figure out some options. But, in the end I’ll just be happy to see Sabrina.

 

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California Dreamin’ – 1982 to 1984 – Chapter 14 – Santa Monica, CA. – Kesslerville

We found a place in Santa Monica that was up at 23rd and Cloverfield.  There was a guy named Kessler that owned every house on this banged up old dead end street. All the houses were pretty run down so I guess you could call Kessler a Slum Lord.

Our rent back then was $40 a week. That’s cheap as hell even by 1982 prices for apartments.

It was perfect. We lived in a small one bedroom apartment on the second floor. (Over the garage) Kessler was a fat slob that had a shitty van with a dashboard clogged with trash and snakc wrappers.

His house was next door to us where he lived with his wife, and his hot blonde daughter who looked and dressed like Ellie May from the Beverly Hillbillies. (Yea…I wanted her)  He also had a son that seemed like a half-wit that lived in a trailer out back. If you looked out our bedroom window you could see the entrance and roof of the trailer. (Did this inbred have to live in the trailer o he wouldn’t diddle his sister?)

Across the hallway from us lived this old guy named Mike Lamia. He was in his forties and smoked tons of weed and delivered pizza’s for a living. He was divorced and had a couple of kids somewhere. We assumed they lived with their mom. He also said he owned a piece of land out in the desert. It sounded like he got ripped off or it didn’t exist because he said he could see his land, but couldn’t get to it. So it was either on the side of a cliff or all in his drug addled mind.

He would get high all day long and watch his little black and white TV and play the bongos. When he found out we were musicians he was always pitching us songs and we were like, yea that’s great but, fuck no.

The best thing we liked about Mike was he would always share his weed with us. The other thing we liked about Mike was the fact that he ALWAYS had pizza in his fridge. He never cared if we came into his house and grabbed some slices, heated them up and ate them. His door was always open and so was ours. It was kind of cool living next door to a burned out old hippie that had endless supplies of pizza and weed.

Frank and I both worked at restaurants so we always got fed there everyday and there was always pizza so we never went grocery shopping. It was a good setup for a couple of young musicians.

Our apartment was over a garage and Kessler let us jam down there as long as we didn’t play too loud or too late.  Liam and John would be joining us in a month and we’d have a whole band and hopefully start getting gigs. Sometimes Kessler’s daughter Patty and her friends would stop by and hang out when we were practicing. She seemed like the sweet normal one in the family. She wasn’t around much so I assumed she went to college somewhere.

The only drawback to the apartment was the roaches.

They weren’t rampant but they were small brown ones and were present. Frank and I slept in the same room on just box springs and mattresses. Frank’s bed was against the wall near the window that looked over the trailer, and mine was on the other wall by the window that was broken. There was a cardboard banner advertising a circus instead of a window pane. I didn’t give a shit because it was always warm in California.

I remember hanging some shirts up in the closet (no door) Frank and I shared. Written on the wall were the words: “Sadder… Budweiser.” I thought that was a clever statement about alcohol and regret, so I never forgot it.

There was this other couple that lived down the hall from us. They seemed nice and normal. Too normal for this neighborhood of misfits. But one night we were all partying and the doors were all open.  Frank and I are drinking these 16 oz beers called 102. Apparently it took 102 tries to get the formula for the beer right. I’m thinking, what a bunch of fuck ups theses brewers are. But… it was $3 for a six pack! We drank oceans of that shit on our limited budget.

The folks who seemed quiet and normal are fucked up out of their minds. They’re laughing and acting crazy. Even Mike thinks they’re gacked to the nines. I ask the dude what he took and he shows me a bag of mushrooms.

“Want some?”

“No thanks. We’re good.”

He points to a light switch on the wall that for some reason someone drew a turnip in marker around it. He goes: “What’s that?”

“It’s a light switch with a turnip drawn around it.”

“No it’s not! That’s my wife.”

“Your wife is right over there.”

(Points to the light switch) “Then it’s my wife’s vagina!”

“Okay….”

(Flicks the light switch to the ON position) “And now she’s turned on! Get it? HA HA HA HA!”

“Yea, dude. Whatever.”

For the first time in my life I realize that all drugs are different. You don’t just get high. Every drug makes you feel a different way and think a different way.

Mushrooms made my neighbor nuts. Weed makes Mike introspective. Booze just makes Frank and I arrogant, giggling idiots.

Mike cruises over and he is high as fuck. “Hey guys, what if the color blue isn’t the same to me as it is to you?”

Frank: (Drunk as usual) “Check the crayon box, asshole.” (Bursts out laughing)

I love him.

So we liked where we were crashing. We’d come home drunk. Get high and go to bed listening to Steve Miller’s, Abracadabra album on my boom box.

When you’re drunk and high you don’t care how many roaches are in the room in the dark.

I remember lying on that bed and thinking about my be d at home and how different my life was now.

I was happy to be away from the prison of Wildwood and my father’s idea of what our family’s life should be. Poverty was actually really nice to be with my best mate, Frank.

We’ll get there and have a great time doing it. This is only week two here in L.A.!

We need to earn some money and go out and check out the music scene in this town!

 

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