Here’s How Long it Actually Takes to Get Over a Breakup

Sorry, but there’s really no good answer here.

 

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ESTHER FACIANE

Here’s some truth about breakups: Every single one of them totally, completely, utterly sucks. Even if your partner was no bueno, even if you were the one who ended things, even if it was an amicable split, a breakup can sometimes leave you facing a serious identity loss.

But, hi, grieving the death of a relationship is totally a real thing—and no one expects you to bounce back overnight. So what is the appropriate amount of time it takes to get over a split? Well, depends a lot on who you’re asking.

Licensed clinical psychologist and author of Loving Bravely: 20 Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want, Alexandra Solomongives her two-cents on how long it takes, when you’re ready to move on, and what you should be weary of during the breakup process.

1. Screw the timeline

Whether you were the dumper or the dumpee, there are no rules. In other words, there’s no designated time frame for getting over a breakup. Putting a timeline on your breakup can slow down your healing process.“The best way to speed things along is to just let ourselves feel what we feel as fully as we can,” says Solomon. Feel it to heal it, girl!

2. Feel at your own pace

Eventually, you’ll have mourned your loss well enough to either channel your best Rihanna and embrace single life for a bit, or start dating new people. And truth be told, there’s really no exact amount of time for this. But, if you are comparing potential partners based on how much they are or are not like your ex, you’re still healing, says Solomon. “You’ve moved on when you can get to know someone on their own terms versus as a comparison,” she explains.

3. Date for love, not fear

Still on the fence about whether you’re ready to start swiping again? Ask yourself if your actions are being lead by love or fear. “If you’re dating because you’re afraid to be alone, desperate to stop hurting, or certain that nobody will ever find you attractive again, those are fears,” explains Solomon. “Being lead by love means trusting that you have a lot to give, and being excited about the possibilities of a new partnership.”

4. Learn from the relationship

Love stories (and breakups) are far from one-dimensional—there are bad times, good times, things you loved about the relationship, and issues that were maybe too big to overcome. Before you can fully move on, figure out how the story of this relationship fits into the larger story of your life, says Solomon. Know that every relationship is a lesson learned, so decide what you want to take away from this one and into your next partnership.

Write yourself a letter about why things ended—which, will come in extra handy if you find yourself temped to hook up with your ex down the road (which is generally a recipe for more pain and confusion).

5. Get under someone to get over someone (but only if you want to)

And only if you won’t experience an emotional hangover post-sex (like, if you’re fine and willing to accept the sex for what it is: rebound sex).

Know that a one-night-stand likely won’t lead to something long-term, but the age-old saying actually does have some truth to it if you’re emotionally prepared for the effects. “Love is a delicious cocktail of neurohormones, so you actually go through a kind of drug withdrawal after a breakup,” explains Wendy Walsh, LA-based clinical psychologist and host of Mating Matters podcast. As long as you understand it’s a rebound and a replacement drug, don’t be judgmental of yourself for moving on “too soon.”

6. Give yourself a clean break

We’ve all been there. We know it’s very tempting to stalk an ex on Instagram or text them after a second glass of wine, but it will only reignite old feelings and drag out your pain. You lost a piece of yourself and your brain has to heal in order for you to move on. So block them on social media, delete them from your phone, and find a new coffee shop. A proper separation means setting healthy boundaries for yourself and completely cutting your ex out of your life—both online and IRL. The sooner you cut out your ex, the faster you can move on.

7. Self-care is key

In the meantime, as your feelings shift from cynicism into exciting possibility, surround yourself with good people who love you for you and remind you how lovable you are, says Walsh. So plan brunch with your sister, have a girls’ night in with your besties, or cuddle your dog. Don’t let yourself be defined by the breakup; instead, see this as the perfect time to refuel your passions for cooking and horse-back riding that fell to the wayside.

And don’t forget about doin’ you, girl: Eat well, sleep well, hit the gym, and schedule regular massages (for the touch and dopamine boost). Promise: you’ll be back to feeling like your old, amazing self—and reclaiming your belief in love—in no time.

 

 

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13 Things Not to Say to Someone Who’s Always in a Relationship

No, it’s not boring. If it were boring I wouldn’t be doing it.

 

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1. “How do you spice it up?” As if it weren’t already spicy. When you’re in a really, really good relationship, you don’t have to search for spices — they’re just there in infinite supply.

2. “You’re young! You need to get out there and experience what the world has to offer you.” And by that do you mean “have one-night stands with guys who don’t know what they’re doing and first dates that are awkward as hell”? I don’t judge if that’s what you enjoy. But if I found My Person, there’s no point in going on dates that I don’t really want to be on.

3. “How’s the ball and chain doing?” Or “How’s the boyyyyyyfriend?” you might say while rolling your eyes as if to suggest it’s such a chore to be in a happy, steady relationship. He’s great and we love the shit out of each other, actually! Thanks for asking.

4. “People in long-term relationships are just people who are way too comfortable with each other.” Allow me to clarify: A comfortable relationship is not an unhappy relationship. I’m comfortable with my significant other in the sense that I will walk around with no makeup and send him ugly selfies. Comfort does not make us dislike each other.

5. “It’s so weird that you have no one else to compare him or your relationship to. How can you even tell if he’s The One?”  This is hard to understand for someone who hasn’t found their person yet, but if you have found your person, you know. To put it in simple terms — your favorite personal belonging probably isn’t your favorite because some external force made you realize that it is. Your favorite green bracelet is your favorite green bracelet because you love it and it means something to you. It’s that simple. So, yeah, I just know.

6. “I don’t believe in monogamy.” And I do. Which is why I am me, and you are you. Oh, look, a poem!

7. “Come on, just be my wingwoman!” Uh, no, that’s boring for me. I don’t bring you out on my dates because you’d rather poke your eyes out than be a third wheel, which is totally fine. But that’s what being your wingwoman feels like to me.

8. “Doesn’t it get boring?” If it were boring I wouldn’t be doing it. I’m in a committed relationship with a person, I am not in a committed relationship with boredom. Thanks though.

9. “You can’t be together long-term if you don’t hook up with other people first.” This is a real thing that someone told me once, and it blew my mind. Just because the first guy I got with ended up being the only guy I wanted to get with doesn’t mean that it’s not real. (See no. 5 above, ahem.)

10. *Not ever inviting me to girls’ things where it’s mostly single girls because they assume you don’t want to come.*  Just because I am in a relationship doesn’t mean I am against hanging out with single people. When I’m going out with my best girlfriends, the last thing I am thinking about is anyone’s relationship status. So if you’re going out for a fun night of drinks and food, whether or not you’re looking for hookups, count me in!

11. “How do you know? You’ve only been with one guy.” <—The ~sAsSy~ remark you get whenever you try to give relationship advice. Yes, I have only been with one guy. Because he’s an awesome hell of a guy who treats me exactly as I should be treated. Because I know how good it feels to be in a happy relationship, I know that the way that douchebag is treating you is wrong. And you deserve to be happy!

12. “You must think about other guys all the time.” I mean yeah, I have eyes. I think that Eric Decker is hot as hell because he is. I acknowledge that a man is attractive as he walks past me on the street because I am a living human. Just because I am monogamous doesn’t mean I want to rip off my clothes at the sight of a hot man who isn’t my man.

13. “Do you really think he’s ever only been with you?” I really do because we’re in a trusting relationship. That’s what monogamous relationships are. And that’s what I like having in my life.

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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Sun Stories: Kita – Chapter 2 – Art Imitates Life

Kita  –  Madiera High School

Sometimes writing this blog is a grind. Most of the time it is an absolute pleasure and has become a form of therapy.  When you live in your relationships you can’t really see what’s happening. When you think about it you still don’t have it, because your lost in your feelings and thoughts. When you tell your friends about it there’s something in that, but when you write about it you get it all out. There’s a clarity and finality that comes from that. When you take a pen to paper or hand to keyboard, you finally get it all out. You’ve documented what’s happening today and what’s happened to you in the past. By writing about the experience, you finally tell the story and resolve it. You get it all out. You can fire off all of your feelings and let it go. It’s amazing and feels so good. This has been a cathartic exercise for me and I’m so happy I finally dug in and told all of these stories.

Rather than carry them around with me in my head, it’s a glorious dopamine rush and an opportunity to spend these rounds here on WordPress.  It’s like you’ve been carrying heavy groceries of good and bad products from your life and you finally get the opportunity to set them down and take a rest. You pick up the good food and take it home with you and leave the rotten fruit at the curb. It’s been a beautiful journey and I appreciate all of you reading this right now who have chosen to join me on this journey.

I normally only write about people I know. But I wrote about little Kita having just met her at the salon. I guess I was just so taken by her. I felt a connection even though she’s only 21. Don’t worry dear reader I’m not after her. I just love her in the classic phicklephilly way. It’ll pass once she stops tanning here or goes home.

But something miraculous happened.

Kita came in to tan last Sunday. Of course I was delighted to see her sweet face. She looked lovely. White blouse, Little black shorts that showcased her lovely shapely legs and sandals. Cute as a button. My heart was aflutter. She says she’s not doing a spray tan today, and only wants UV. No problem. We discuss the different beds and she decides to give the Alpha another chance. I ask her if she ever uses a bronzer lotion. She says not normally but will try one. I give her Tahitian Bronze which is the best lotion in the house.

We chit-chat a bit more and then I send her into room 1.

When she comes out instead of leaving she starts chatting with me. It’s Sunday. She should be out doing what she does when she’s not going to school. Thankfully it’s dead this time of year and she and I sit in the waiting area.

I love this! (I get to see those lovely legs!)

She’s originally from Washington DC. She’s an adopted child and so is her sister, They’re not related and it happened when they were age 3. They are both Chinese. Her father and mother are both career Navy. Dad’s an Admiral that has sat with the former President Obama and has the pictures to prove it. This guy’s sounds like he’s the man.

Kita and her sister Jill attended The Madeira School, Washington, District Of Columbia. Kita loves to talk about herself and tell me her little stories about her life. I’m just happy to smile and listen because she’s so darn cute.

Madeira students and sisters Kita ’15 and Jill ’16 competed in the Savageman Triathlon, a fundraiser to fight melanoma with the motto “A savage race to fight a savage cancer.” The competition took place on September 14 and 15 at Deep Creek Lake, MD, and consisted of a 0.9 mile swim, 22.9 mile bike ride, and 6.2 mile run. In the photo she is standing with her older sister Jill and her dad who appears to be a Vice Admiral in the Navy. (Funny, she competed in a triatholon to fight melanoma but loves to go tanning!)

She also was on the Women’s Lacrosse team at Madeira High. She was also proficient at track and field. She ran the 100 meter in 13.84. That’s impressive.

Kita later did an internship at the Animal Welfare League of Arlington.

Kita spent her Co-Curriculum at the Animal Welfare League of Arlington doing research for events, clicker training dogs, and sitting in on animal adoption interviews. During her time there, Katy’s interest in the business component of the shelter grew and she was eager to learn more about the hiring process and personnel management. In learning how an animal control shelter runs, Kita said she had the opportunity to learn more about public service and employee work ethic.

Back then she was in high school and was a teenager with dark brown hair. Not the blonde, lean young woman she is today that stirs my loins.

She has more to tell me and wants to share about her current relationship. She’s been with JR since she was 17 and I’m sure he punched her V card.

There is nostalgic love there but there are problems. The relationship is ripping at the seams because they are growing apart and she needs advice. I will be that elder to help her on her journey is she’s willing.

I think she is and she’s spent over an hour here sitting with me and has moved from top five to number one in my book. I can’t wait to hear more about the romantic life of this lovely waif.

She bids me farewell to go workout. She works out everyday. Her body is proof. I am euphoric that this lovely lady has chosen to spend time with an old bull like me. Kita says she likes talking to people and learning new things. Kita is a ripe canvas that I think I can help navigate the dark waters of romance and relationships.

She left and I am still high from her beauty. I want to learn more about her and where she is in her life. She asks what shifts I work and says she will come in when I’m working. I love helping people so I am compelled to try to offer Kita my assistance I can in regard to matters of the heart.

She comes from a good family, but if there is any wisdom I can offer I will to help guide her forward. I know my intentions are always true but she is so beautiful I am drawn to her. It’ll go nowhere and she’ll go forward but if I can help her I will. I have my own love life to manage.

You have no idea, but I love you Kita, just like I loved Maria. (Maria – 2016 to Present – Amor En Vano)

I want to learn more about you!

Your legs are lovely!

Phicklephilly!

 

 

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14 Little Moments That Make You Feel Single AF

The struggle is real.

 

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UNIVERSAL PICTURES

You’ve accepted the fact that you are single. Nay, you’ve embraced it! You love living the single life and all the bonuses that come with it (You don’t have to share the bed! You can keep your apartment at whatever temperature you want!). However, certain things in life exist solely to remind you of your relationship status. And each one of these instances has left you saying to yourself, “I am single AF.”

1. Getting invited to a wedding and being graciously given a plus-one. But instead, you’re like, “Can I bring a bottle of sauvignon blanc as my plus-one?” You don’t mind going to weddings alone, really, you don’t. But having to send the RSVP card back to the bride with a big fat X over the box for “will be enjoying my tenderloin alone and will also probably die alone while we’re at it” gets more painful and real each time.

2. Bouquet tosses. While we’re on the topic of weddings, why must every wedding do the bouquet toss to the “Single Ladies” song? You used to love that song but now as soon as it comes on, the dance floor parts like the Red Sea and everybody turns and stares at you, the lone single lady who will probably still not catch the bouquet.

3. When your best friend gets a boyfriend. NNNOOOOOOOOooOOoOOooo! R.I.P., Friday night wing woman, Saturday afternoon brunch buddy, and happy hour homie. T’was real while it lasted.

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4. Your kitchen pantry. It’s basically a leaning tower of Easy Mac boxes and approximately nine bottles of wine you’ve stocked up on. And your fridge is full of leftover takeout food that you hold on to so your kitchen appliances don’t look completely empty and barren, like your love life.

5. Recipes that yield two servings. You decide to actually cook for once, but every recipe makes enough food for you and the boyfriend you don’t have. Why, god, why? Is it that hard to make recipes with measurements for single people so you don’t have to be further single-shamed by your penne pasta? The only upside to this is having dinner ready for the rest of the week. Let’s be real, you didn’t have plans anyway.

6. When even what’s-her-name on Facebook gets engaged before you. A new day, a new Facebook notification that everyone except you is happily engaged. Or already married. Or on kid no. 5.

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8. Having to list an emergency contact on forms. Let’s see, there’s that guy you met on Bumble who you’re kind of texting, or your best friend who is now married and pregnant. Or maybe you should jot down your mom’s name for the 50th time. All you really want is to get your eyebrows waxed in peace, dammit.

9. Your mom. She loves to pry and loves reminding you how bad she wants grandkids even more. She says things like, “I’m not gonna live forever, you know,” and, “When I was your age, I was married with two kids!” If ever you’re feeling good about where you are in the single life, don’t go visit your parents.

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10. Family vacations. Your siblings all bring their significant others, but you are flying solo (literally) in a middle seat between a baby who won’t stop crying and an old man who won’t stop snoring. Your parents always encourage you to bring a friend but you respectfully decline because you don’t need their pity.

11. When you find a cockroach or something in your apartment. The only person who can deal with it is you. Same goes for clogged drains and broken toilets. You’re on your own.

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12. Fall. With all the hayrides, apple picking, and new TV show line-ups, fall (aka cuddle season) is a great time for couples. But that doesn’t mean you’ll be sitting around and sulking. You’ll be spending that time prepping your badass Harley Quinn Halloween costume so you can put all the couples’ costumes to shame.

13. Clothes that are hard to put on by yourself. Dresses with hard-to-reach back zippers. Those stupid hook and eye clasps. Super-tight body-con dresses. Theses things are too hard to put on/take off by yourself, so you give up and wear something else instead.

14. Bad dates. You finally decide to go out with someone, only to realize you’d be much happier cuddled up alone on your couch with your mermaid blanket watching The Bachelor with a glass of rosé and a giant tub of hummus than listen to him talk about himself any longer. Being single is better if that’s the alternative.

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BRAVO

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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26 Body Language Signs That Mean He’s Into You

Figure him out before he opens his mouth.

One of the most frustrating aspects of dating is the fact that both men and women don’t always say exactly what they’re feeling precisely when they feel it. But, thank bejesus, at least we can pick up on some helpful cues.

In fact, unconscious body language signals can be extremely telling, says Patti Wood, a body language expert with more than 30 years of experience and author of Success Signals, A Guide to Reading Body LanguageYou can figure out what a guy is thinking, or how much he’s into you, by the way he moves when he’s around you.

In the early stages of a new relationship (like when you first meet an online date), look for the following body language signs to confirm that a guy is totally into you:

1. His pupils are huge. Either you’re in a super-dark place, or this subtle signal means he’s into you. “Dilation is a brain response that occurs when you like and are attracted to something,” Wood says.

2. His eyebrows raise up when he sees you. “If you likes you and he likes what he sees as soon as he sees you, he wants more of you and soon the aperture of his eyes increases, making his eyebrows raise,” Wood says. This also means that he’s interested in whatever you’re saying.

3. He shows you his front teeth when he smiles. “Guys stop smiling like this around the age of 5 — unless they’re really happy,” Wood says. He might not show off a toothy grin while casually flirting, but on a really awesome date when he’s having loads of fun? Look for teeth: “When he feels really happy, he’s not covering that up,” Wood says.

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5. He licks his lips in a cute (not creepy) way. When you’re attracted to someone, your mouth produces extra saliva, Wood says. In response, he might quickly lick his lips or press them together. (Slower = creepster.

6. He locks eyes with your face — not your eyes. You might think that a guy who is totally enamored by you will find it hard to peel his eyes away. But now that everyone is used to being glued to their phones, nonstop eye contact can make people feel uncomfortable. So, new rule: If he spends about 80 percent of your interaction looking from your eyes to your nose and lips, he’s into you, Wood says.

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7. He takes a deep breath when he sees you. Yes, men do require oxygen. But when he subconsciously takes a deep breath — he’ll pull in his stomach and puff out his chest — it’s a subconscious way to make his upper body look broader and his waist look smaller, two qualities that make him look more fit and (from an evolutionary perspective) more desirable, Wood says. In other words, he’s into you and he’s trying to attract you.

8. The moment he sees you, he wants to touch you or really look at you.“What someone does as soon as they come through the door says a lot about what’s important to them,” Wood says. He won’t just walk in to your place and settle down without a hug, kiss, or long glance first.

9. He leans toward you when you talk. In a noisy bar, this sign might not hold much weight, but when he can physically hear you perfectly well and leans in anyway, it means he’s interested in what you have to say — and you, in general.

10. He puts his hands on his hips with his elbows out to the sides. This stance takes up more space than standing with his arms against your sides, so this is a male power signal, Wood says. They use it to show physical superiority over other men. In this situation, and if he’s angled toward you, it means he’s seeking attention from you.

11. He touches your knee or tucks your hair behind your ear. When he initiates physical contact under the guise of another reason (like say, to compliment how soft your pants are), it’s a test to see how you respond to his touch, Wood says. Touch is a tool he can use to test your limits, so this could mean he’s only interested in sex, Wood says. If he really likes you, though, he might pull back extra slowly and smile sweetly as he does it, which means he wants to take the time to get closer to you.
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12. He sits with his legs spread. This exposes his man parts, which are full of sensitive nerve endings. It’s a vulnerable position that could mean he’s willing to put himself out there (literally and emotionally) to get to know you. (Or, he could just be manspreading, tbh.)

13. He angles his pelvis toward you. Because it’s an overtly sexual body part, it often signals sexual interest—or lack thereof, Wood says. If he moves his hips away from you, it’s probably the latter.

14. He points his toes toward you. Feet are involved in the fight-or-flight response that kicks in when you’re in danger, so they’re largely controlled by the unconscious mind—and can be very telling in social interactions. “The feet tend to point where the heart wants to go,” Wood says. Of course, timing is super important here: If you’re talking to a guy who seems interested, you touch his arm, and then see his feet angle away from you, the context says he’s no longer interested.

15. He crosses his legs. If he crosses them in a way that turns his torso and upper body away from you, he might be disinterested. But if he crosses his legs away and turns the rest of his body toward you, it could just mean that he’s shy. But this depends on the guy.

16. He shuffles toward you while you’re talking. Duh, he obviously wants to get closer to you.

17. He talks to you without facing you. While this might be a sign he’s keeping his options open, Wood says, don’t rush to judge a great conversationalist just because he chats you up while he’s looking elsewhere. If he makes an effort to find a common thread or asks you lots of questions, his body language may reflect his personality (shy), and he could actually be totally enthralled by you.

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18. He touches his throat. The throat represents communication and vulnerability, says Wood says. If he reaches up to touch it during your interaction, he’s interested in you and worried about coming across well. But again, context can play a key role: If you’re talking to a player, a throat touch could signal dishonesty. So feel him out, and look for other signs on this list before you go reassure him.

19. When he holds your hand, he presses his palm against yours. This kind of full-on hand-holding signifies a desire to connect. The same goes for interlocking fingers. On the other hand, an arched palm means he’s scared or may be holding something back.

20. He grazes your forearm while he’s talking. The message is loud and clear: He wants your attention, be it to impress you or to make sure you’re listening — because he wants to be heard.

21. He walks beside you. If he’s constantly two steps ahead of you, it means he’s more concerned about himself than you, Wood says. If he’s not leading you through a scary or crowded space, he should be adjusting his pace to match yours.
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22. He sits side-by-side with you as often as he can. Even if you have a comfy armchair next to your tiny couch, he’s opting to squeeze next to you instead. If you’re at a restaurant that has booths, he won’t shy away from sitting on the same side instead of across from you. This is symbolic of him being on the same “team” as you, says Wood.

23. He plays with his glass. Wood says this can be a sign of nervousness — or attraction. A caress could suggest he wants to touch you.

24. His voice changes into a slower, sweeter tone. According to Wood, by doing this, he’s showing you he can let down his guard and be vulnerable with you.

25. He minimizes interruptions and distractions. Beyond just putting his phone away when he’s with you (the absolute lowest bar of courtesy on a date), he resists interjecting your story to comment on the football game playing behind you or the Cajun fries being too spicy. However, even if he does interrupt you (we’re all human!), an interested guy will quickly apologize and touch you to make the effort to reconnect with you, Wood says.

26. He treats your possessions with respect. Even if does everything to make you feel like a queen on a first date, pay attention to how he handles your stuff. Does he throw you your jacket instead of hand it to you? Does he grab gum from your purse and then drop it on the floor? Wood says that reckless treatment of your things reveals the amount of respect he has for you (it also gives you a clear picture of what it’d be like if you lived together).

 

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Bad Habits Can Make You Look Older

https://va.topbuzz.com/s/QpMFR

 

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5 Basic Safety Tips For Women

https://va.topbuzz.com/s/kkfFR

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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