Paying For Dates In A Long-Term Relationship is Tricky & Here’s How To Do It

Paying at the end of dates (especially in the beginning of the “courtship”) is always a touchy subject, with varied opinions on how to handle it. Some people believe the person who invites the other out should pay; some think splitting is the way to go; and sometimes, people dictate who pays based on how the date is going. But what happens when you’ve been dating for years? Paying for dates in a long-term relationship is definitely something you should figure out with your partner, and see what works best for you both. And as your finances may fluctuate, your regular go-to paying practice may change, too.

To get down to the best methods for paying for dates in a relationship, I spoke with matchmaker and CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking Susan Trombetti and founder of Crated with Love Tyler Turk. Here’s what you need to know to navigate paying, avoid awkwardness, and get directly to the romance.

Have a conversation about what you’re comfortable with.

If you’re in a relationship with someone who makes significantly more or less money than you, you may want to discuss how to work out paying for dates in a way that makes financial sense for both of you.

“If one person is in need of some financial support… the best thing to do is to have an open and honest conversation about [it],” Turk tells Elite Daily. “It may seem awkward at first, but it will help your relationship in the long run. When it doubt, talk it out.”

In a long-term partnership, if one person makes less money and therefore pays less for dates, or less often than the other, as long as that person “does what they can do financially, it is all fine,” Trombetti tells Elite Daily.

Trombetti says that in a relationship, both people should contribute, even if on the earlier dates it didn’t start that way. She also doesn’t think splitting the bill – or “going Dutch” – is the best route to take. “It’s practical but doesn’t lend to the romance,” Trombetti says.

Depending on how serious you are, “my” money may become “our” money.

Some people do prefer “going Dutch” though – at least in their bank accounts. After some time in a long-term relationship, your finances may no longer be separate, which can factor into how you view paying for checks.

“If you’re at the point in your relationship where it’s ‘our’ money, then splitting the bill is probably irrelevant and cumbersome,” Turk says.

At that point, if you have a shared checking account and your finances are all pooled in the same place, you’re technically splitting the bill anyway.

Do what feels natural for the two of you.

For some couples, just doing what feels right could work best. Turk attests that this works for him and his wife – they developed an “unwritten code” in which they’d remember who paid for what, and take turns paying.

“Whenever she picked something up, she’d pay, whenever I picked something up, I paid,” Turk says. “If we were out to dinner, we typically kept an internal recollection, and just switched off. It was an easy transition once we got serious.”

At the end of the day, what works best for you as a couple is up to you two. Be sure you talk out your financial concerns with your partner, so you don’t harbor any ill-will regarding money between you in the long-run.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day at 8am & 12pm EST.

Facebook: phicklephilly                  Instagram@phicklephilly

Advertisements

Wildwood Daze – Winter of 1979 – Tools of the Trade

I think because I was doing well in school and they had failed me as parents in my obvious musical upbringing and had handed over their money to Mr. Buckwalter to teach my sister Janice piano lessons so she could please my dad and not be able to play a fucking note they had no choice.

I started to think about buying a real guitar. I was excited about the notion of getting a REAL guitar. Obviously this rock and roll thing was sticking and I needed a proper instrument. Jim had a Fender Stratocaster and it was a good guitar but it was brown and sensible. A Gibson Les Paul was simply too heavy and way too expensive.

I wanted something that would define me as a rock star. I wanted something else. Everybody played Fender, Gibson, Yamaha, Guild, and whatever boring guitars were out there. A Gibson Explorer crossed my mind but looked too bulky. A Dean looked too much like everything else.

One day I was reading Creem or Circus magazine, (Other than Rolling Stone, they were the two leading music mags of the time) I saw Paul Stanley from the band Kiss playing and interesting looking axe. The way it looked really touched something in me.

Yes. That was the guitar for a future rock star.

I had to have that.

A 1979 Black Ibanez Iceman. Double humbucker pickups. Rosewood neck, and a sexy young body. Just like the girls I liked. That hook. That stinger. Yes!

I had to have that guitar.

Jim had introduced me to a guy that gave guitar lessons in town. He was an older dude who’s father owned a storefront down on Pacific avenue when that meant something. It was a radio and TV repair store. A dusty old place that felt like it’s time had come and gone.

I was surprised how many people Jim knew at his tender age, but he was a seeker and was always thirsty for knowledge. He somehow found Charlie Billaris the son who was this great guitar player back in the day.

He introduces me to Charlie and he’s a really nice older guy. (Now when I say older, I mean back then, late twenties because we were so young) He had been teaching Jim some songs and I thought he was cool.

We would sit in this old store full of old TV’s and radios and just jam. It was beautiful and primitive. He had taught Jim and I wanted some of that. I think I would give him ten bucks and he would teach me songs by Led Zeppelin and basic blues runs.

Charlie was a great guitar player. He had once played in a band called 12 Gauge years ago but they never made it and now he worked in his dad’s shop. I wondered how a guy that was this good had never gone forward to pursue music full-time. But he was married now with a baby and had already been burned out from the circuit. I assured that would never happen to me. I was going to be a rock star like Joe Perry and become a great songwriter.

“Charlie.”

“Yea, man.”

“How can Keith Richards be such drug addict and still perform and make great records with the Stones?”

“When you got it… you got it.”

That was his only answer. He was right. Simple and complete. He was older. He knew stuff.

He taught me so much. I got better. I started to really understand my little Silvertone guitar so much better. Under Charlie I wrote better more melodic songs and was really coming along as a guitar player. I wanted it so bad it was coming on fast. My mind was starving for rock and I just breathed it all in. I would go home and learn the songs and keep writing and playing non stop in my room.

One day Jim and I were at Charlie’s house just hanging out and jamming. Jim starts talking about how I was thinking about getting a REAL guitar.

I tell Charlie the guitar I’m dreaming about.

“I can get you that. But I have to go to New York to get that baby. She’s rare.”

I had to clear that whole transaction with my parents because it would be my entire savings from working as a busboy all summer at the Dolphin restaurant for this guitar.

I think because I was doing well in school and they had failed me as parents in my obvious musical upbringing and had handed over their money to Mr. Buckwalter to teach my sister Janice piano lessons so she could please my dad and not be able to play a fucking note they had no choice.

It was money I had earned being a busboy so they technically couldn’t say shit. I’m doing my homework. I’m excelling as a student. I’m not getting into trouble. I’ve somehow adjusted to this nightmare I’ve been dropped off into so let me do what I want with my money.

I gave Charlie $250 to go get the guitar of my dreams in New York City. That seemed like a world away back then.

A week later I get a call from him and he says he’s back and he has her.

I call Jim. We have to go together to collect my dream!

We walk out to Charlies house and I’m excited and apprehensive. This is the biggest purchase of my life and it’s tied to my greatest love of all time. MUSIC!

We knock on his door and his wife answers. (Lisa was a hot little blonde. Just saying….musicians pull sweet tail)

We go in and Charlie comes out. We’re nervous and excited because we both are anticipating what’s supposed to happen. We sit down and he offers us both a beer. We’re teenage boys so of course we’re going to respect and accept but we’re not really drinkers. (Yet… Me. Not Jim)

We’re nursing out beers trying to be cool during this watershed moment in my young life. Then he brings out this black rectangle flight case and lays it on the sofa like a coffin. My mind can’t comprehend what’s inside of that box.

“Go ahead. Open the case.” Charlie’s wife is smiling.

I set my beer down and go to the flight case. I unsnap the buckles and locks on the case. I slowly raise the lid.

Tears fill my eyes.

There she is!

That’s my new axe! That’s my girl! That’s going to be what will carry me forth in rock and heavy metal in my future. I already feel that I am going to go beyond Wildwood and everything in my worthless anxiety filled life with her!

On the little box inside the case where you keep your picks, slide and other cool goodies I decorated it with twin skulls, a little scarab and a miniature Iceman pin!

This IS Rock and Roll. I have arrived on life’s stage as a musician. A worthless nothing with depression and anxiety has taken a step to strap on an elegant guitar to make great music for the world and be a star!

I remember my eyes not being able to accept the instrument before me. The possibilities with Jim. The songs we would write. The incredible jams. The songs we would play together on stage. Everything was coming together for me. My dreams were coming true!

I told Charlie I had the other half of the money in my account. (That guitar cost $500 in 1979. That’s a shitload of cash for a busboy back then. That’s basically all I made that summer) He is hesitant to let her go, but his wife intercedes.

“They’re good boys. Let him take it.” (Is she into me?)

I promise to bring Charlie the difference tomorrow, and they let Jim and I leave with my brand new battle-axe.

I had to stop two times on the way home and open up the case and just look at her again because she was so beautiful. She was the most beautiful guitar I had ever seen and I couldn’t believe she was mine. Having this guitar and looking upon her was like taking little Terri to Star Wars and kissing her for the first time and feeling what love was.

It was just an amazing time stopping moment to stand under the street light at 22nd and Central with my best friend and favorite guitarist and open that case and look at that guitar.

It reminded me of when I was there when my mom first saw the shore house completely remodeled by my dad.

“Oh Hoss… this is too nice for us.” my mother said.

This was too nice for us. But I’m an overachiever and this is the perfect guitar for me.

I have arrived.  I just hope Jim and I can make the band work out.

Here’s an amusing footnote: The Ibanez Iceman that brought me years of joy upon acquiring it cost me a whopping $500 in 1979. An incredible instrument!

A friend of mine recently sent me this….

Nice investment that I’d like to be buried with.

Oh, and still rocking out today…

Here’s a song I used to love to listen to at the beach in the summer of 79. Great pop song and solo.

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day at 8am & 12pm EST.

Instagram: @phicklephilly                           Facebook: phicklephilly

6 Reasons Why Women Are Hardwired To Be Leaders

The Neuroscience Why The Female Brain Is Best Suited For Positions of Power…

“Leadership is about empathy. It is about having the ability to relate to and connect with people for the purpose of inspiring and empowering their lives.” — Oprah Winfrey


 

The female brain is wired for leadership, making complex decisions, empathy, and collaboration.

Nature’s default is female — we all start with an X chromosome.

If you are the lucky recipient of another X chromosome (thus making you female), you will continue to develop neurons with the Jedi-like ability to read faces, communication, and language.

If you receive a Y chromosome (making you male), testosterone will shunt this process, instead focusing on growing areas in the brain for aggression and sexual drive.

The female brain, as you will see from some key gender dimorphism I discuss here, is designed to be in positions of power.

Of course, this is NOT to say men should not be in positions of power.

But when you look at the beautiful nuances in the female brain, and how she is uniquely qualified to lead with compassion, grace, and arguably a better executive decision maker, it begs the question…

Why are more women NOT in positions of power?

Let’s take a look at the 6 unique aspects of the female brain and why she’s neurologically wired for leadership positions…


1. The SheEO: aka the Prefrontal Cortex

“It would be futile to attempt to fit women into a masculine pattern of attitudes, skills and abilities and disastrous to force them to suppress their specifically female characteristics and abilities by keeping up the pretense that there are no differences between the sexes.” — Arianna Huffington

The prefrontal cortex is involved in cognition, and decision-making.

The prefrontal cortex is the queen mother and is responsible for planning the future, personality, expression, decision-making and moderating social behavior.

It is the executive function, the CEO, nay, the SheEO, of the brain.

The prefrontal cortex is larger and matures faster in women than in men.

Developmentally, the prefrontal cortex is larger and develops faster in females.

Why is this?

One of the prevalent theories is the influence of estrogen, the predominant hormone in the female brain, which strongly stimulates the faster development and maintenance of the female prefrontal cortex.

In her book, The Female Brain, Dr. Louann Brizendine, points out that this gender difference start before birth: female brains are “marinated” in utero with estrogen hormones, while male brains with testosterone.

If you are a woman you can relate to this — we often see females, both in their school years and in the work place, taking the initiative to complete tasks and assignments ahead of deadlines.

The frontal lobe, in particular the right prefrontal cortex, is involved with thinking about the future.

Getting the project done ahead of schedule is a higher order, future-paced activity.

When I first learned this, it was an a-ha moment for me.

I would do this constantly –do my work early and have loads of extra time to over study for exams.

If a project was due in a month, I would get on it straight away, have boat loads of time to look it over, and 10 times out of 10 hand it in early.

Another reason to explain this behavioural difference (early keener vs last-minute) that may co-exist with a larger prefrontal cortex may have something to do with the differences in our serotonin receptors.

I have written previously on the decreased serotonin receptors in females compared to their male counterparts.

We naturally have less dopamine to motivate us for follow through on a tight deadline.

I talked about men being more dopaminergic than women.

Meaning, they are less reliant on their environment, and can stay motivated and engaged in a task longer to finish it to completion.

Getting the task done ahead of time alleviates any stress response the female might have about the pressure of the deadline.

We see the opposite behaviour in men. Men will often wait until the last-minute so that they utilize neurotransmitters like dopamine and norepinephrine to push them to finish.

Sound familiar?


2. Temper Tantrum Center: Smaller Amygdala

“Don’t ever make decisions based on fear. Make decisions based on hope and possibility. Make decisions based on what should happen, not what shouldn’t.”

— Michelle Obama

One of the main roles of the higher brain centers like the frontal lobe is to inhibit lower areas of the brain, in particular, the temporal lobe, where the amygdala lives.

The amygdala is involved in emotions, aggression, and anger. This is often referred to as our primitive, instinctual brain.

The amygdala, located in the temporal lobe is larger in men.

Neuroscientists have confirmed there are a greater number of testosterone receptors and other look alike (collectively called androgens) present in the amygdala.

This is where the female brain is beautifully nuanced for leadership.

Being able to keep her cool, and continue to problem solve…that’s the making of a world leader.


3. Better Impulse Control : The Anterior Cingulate Cortex

“Mature workers are less impulsive, less reactive, more creative, and more centered” — Deepak Chopra

Women have a bigger anterior cingulate cortex, which is involved in impulse control, decision making, guiding behavioural outcomes, and even choosing sexual partners (study alert: females tend to choose the less risky, more stable partners).

Neuroscientists have long reported the increased prevalence of ADHD, impulsivity, violence and aggression occurring much more frequently in males than females.

This may be in part to the anatomically smaller anterior cingulate cortex in males, versus females.

Again, in the context of leadership, this is an advantage of the female brain.

In high pressure situations, appropriating impulsive thoughts and emotions, while still being able to think about the best solutions is important.

Interestingly, the original function of the anterior cinguate cortex was thought to be in the protection of our young — to reduce risk so that we could ensure their survival.

What this often translates to in an adult women is conservative over risky behaviour.


4. The Way We Connect :The Corpus Callosum

“If your actions create a legacy that inspires others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, then, you are an excellent leader.” — Dolly Parton

Herein lies one of the more prominent differences between us.

The male brain has more neurons than the female, BUT less connections between those neurons.

This is what neuroscientists call an intrahemispheric brain.

In other words, he tends to be more single focused, task-oriented, and mechanistic.

He tends to stay more in his left brain.

The male is able to raise his own levels of dopamine, going about his business, with less of a reliance on his external environment.

Males are typically systematizers.

The female brain has less neurons overall than her male counterparts BUT has more connections between them.

She tends to stay more in her right brain, being able to empathize and connect with others and create community.

Females are typically empathizers.

Women have what neuroscientists call an interhemispheric brain.

Meaning, the female is more efficient with her neuronal connections, and uses more areas of her brain across the cortices.

She does this through connection of the superhighway in the brain called the corpus callosum. This allows her, with speed and accuracy, to engage more parts of her brain.


5. A Women’s Intuition Is An Actual Place In The Brain: The Insula

“To call woman the weaker sex is a libel; it is man’s injustice to woman. If by strength is meant brute strength, then, indeed, is woman less brute than man. If by strength is meant moral power, then woman is immeasurably man’s superior. Has she not greater intuition, is she not more self-sacrificing, has she not greater powers of endurance, has she not greater courage? Without her, man could not be. If nonviolence is the law of our being, the future is with woman. Who can make a more effective appeal to the heart than woman?” — Mahatma Gandhi

The insula is intimately involved in empathy, emotional awareness, and the interface where the interpretation of “gut feelings” take place.

Whenever you meet someone, or to use the expression — “go with your gut” — it is the insula where the signals from the microbiota, or “gut feelings”, are processed.

The insula is larger and more active in females.

Again, this is mainly because the female brain is under the strong influence of estrogen.

This allows the female, with stealth-like accuracy, to develop better facial recognition, better communication skills, and expression of emotion.

Coupled with a larger insula, she is better able to process her environment, the emotions and psychological states of others, and read between the lines.


6. The Elephant Memory: Hippocampus

“A good memory is one of the most precious assets of the spiritual living” — Max Anders

Ever been in an argument with a woman, let’s say about what was said in a past conversation, and she can recall every single detail of what was said, how it was said, what the temperature outside was, how many birds were chirping, what the color of her nails were, and what you were wearing?

That’s because her hippocampus, the area of the brain where memories are formed, is larger and more active than in the male.

What is cool about the hippocampus is it is estrogen sensitive (specifically estradiol), and as such, has regulatory effects on her learning and memory.

The hippocampus can also act by retrieving memories, and relays these memories to the auditory cortex, which will translate the memories into words.

Oh, I should also mention the auditory cortex, where learning, hearing and language centers are located, are 11% larger in females, too.


So Why Is The Future Female?

“Who Run The World? Girls.” — Beyoncé

In Dr. Daniel Amen’s book “Unleash the Power of the Female Brain”, he suggests women are neurologically wired for success.

Through his research Dr. Amen has identified five particular strengths of women that play a key role in leadership:

  • Empathy
  • Collaboration
  • Intuition
  • Self Control
  • Appropriate Worry

We do this through the unique ways we, as women, are different.

Through our prefrontal cortex, we easily and effortlessly plan ahead, strongly inhibit anger and aggression, learn new information, and develop executive communication styles.

Women will also use their strong language skills to develop consensus and collaboration among peers (particularly other females) more efficiently than men, and our language will lend to being able to navigate through sensitive negotiations.

We have more interconnectedness and communication across the Corpus Callosum, meaning we are more efficient and use more areas of our brain for tasks.

We have superior impulse control, and better inhibition of aggression centers in the brain, while still able to solve difficult problems.

We have a better sense of we and others feel, through our larger and more active insula, which is the area our gut feelings are processed.

Now all this to say, this is NOT to say men are not qualified to be in positions in leadership.

Of course they are.

It is quite different statement to say “men are not qualified” versus “females are uniquely qualified”.

The female brain, is uniquely gifted, given her gender dimorphism, to lead with empathy, intuition, instilling collaboration, and self-control.

This all lends to the suggestion that women are wired to be professionals, and hold positions of power.

It is a neurological explanation for why we need more women, with their unique neurological differences in positions of power.

 


 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day at 8am & 12pm EST.

 

Facebook: phicklephilly                  Instagram@phicklephilly

Maria – Chapter 6 – She Has Returned To Me

After my successful coffee meet up a few weeks ago with my muse. I told her to come in for a tanning session before she goes to Florida.

“Thanks for meeting me for coffee today. It was great seeing you! I’ll get you a link to my blog. See you Saturday!”

“Yesss coffee was good. Thanks! See ya then! Send me the addy so I don’t get lost lol.”

I send her the link to my blog. This is so exciting. The girl who inspired me to write again will get to read about herself on the very platform that she inspired!

Saturday rolls around and I’m working at the salon.

“What time are you in today?”

“11 to 5”

I love that Maria is coming in to tan. She comes in and we chit-chat. It’s always great to see her and talk to my muse. She wants to get a base for her trip to Florida. She buys a 5 pack which is great because she can do a couple of sessions before her trip and use the rest to maintain her color when she gets back. (And I get to see her 4 more times!)

She does her session and heads out. I figure that would be it. She’d pop in occasionally and brighten my day. I was satisfied just having coffee with her last week. Just to reconnect with her and actually hang out with her was brilliant.

But a few weeks pass and I’m sitting at my desk at home writing. It was probably around midnight when her text comes in.

“Hey Charles, I know you said you don’t do social media. Not sure if you keep up with the news but the restaurant where I work is closed down for a few months due to the fire next door. We are not only taking money donations but any donation to be raffled would be raffled would be greatly appreciated.”

Of course I’m going to spring into action. Maria needs my help!

“I read about the fire in the news and immediately thought of you. What can we do to help? What will you do financially? Are you available to meet up to discuss this week?”

“Def sucks. I’m waiting to hear back from a couple of places. Anything honestly. We can since I have so much time now.”

“Alright. I’m going to hit up all my contacts up to get you some shifts. Can you meet up on Monday at noon?”

“Yea I’ll take anything. I babysat tonight. Just trying to be optimistic. Yeah I can do that.”

“I’ve placed a few friends in jobs. I’m so sorry this happened. I’ll start making calls tomorrow. Meet me at Cavanaugh’s Rittenhouse Monday at noon.”

“Sounds like a plan. They are actually donating to the raffle.”

“Okay I’ll talk to my partner at the salon as well. Come in and tan if you want today. I’ll be there from 11 to 4, if not see you Monday at Cav’s. I’m sure we can find you something!”

“Awesome. I really hate asking for any help honestly. I’m going to Chop tomorrow to visit my relative, but yea def Monday. Thanks again Charles!”

“I’m on it. I’ll call everybody I know in the hospitality industry to help you. No worries.”

The next day I send her a bunch of names and places she can apply. She’s very grateful. I tell her not to worry if some of the spots I send her are places she’s not interested in. She can pick and choose what places she thinks she’d like work. I’ll just keep sending. I’m just happy to help her.

Monday I’m sitting at my table in the back of Cavanaugh’s. Maria rolls in and as usual I am delighted to see her.

Maria always looks beautiful.

I feel bad for her misfortune but it wasn’t anything she did that’s put her in this predicament. The building next door to where she works burned down! It may be months before they open again.

I order my usual Monday special the 1/2 off cheese steak. Maria goes with the turkey burger.

We talk about her current situation. I tell her I’ll keep asking around to all of my contacts in the industry. I also tell her that I’ll get her a gift card to the salon that she can raffle off. She’s happy about that. She’s really been working hard to raise money for their event.

I ask her when it is and she tells me they are having it on Sunday. I tell her I can’t attend because I have to work that day. But if she sends me the link to where I can buy a ticket, I’ll purchase one just to make a donation to support her cause.

Maria is stressed about being three months away from graduating from college with her degree in Marketing, and now she has to find another server job to pay the bills. There’s also her relative that’s in Children’s Hospital. That and her own stomach disorders. Poor thing!

I can relate with all my stomach disorders. So at least we have that in common and can discuss our challenges.

She tells me more about this guy that’s she’s dating. He’s one of the managing partners of the restaurant where she worked. Okay, I know they say never shit where you eat, or don’t dip your pen in the company’s ink. But we’ve all done it. You spend a great deal of your waking hours with your co-workers. You all have a common goal and share the same mission in your daily lives. It’s very common for there to be workplace romance.

But an owner and a server? That doesn’t sit right with me. He has the power to fire her at anytime. I’m not saying that would happen. But she’s entered into a romantic relationship that if it goes badly, could put her in the unemployment line.

There’s no harassment suit because she entered into that relationship as a willing partner.

But it’s none of my business. She’s an adult and a survivor. She’s tough and she’ll figure it out. I respect that about her.

Then she tells me an interesting story. She said she wrote in to some online publication about her relationship with this gentleman. They actually changed her name to ‘Kristen” and published it. She wants to share it with me.

I get really excited at the prospect of publishing the story on Phicklephilly. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve posted a dating story by one of my followers on this blog. But not by my muse! Not a dating story by the girl who inspired me to create this blog. That’s internet gold to me. I’m honored to publish something Maria wrote!

So if she sends me the link, I’ll post it in the next installment of this little saga.

After lunch, (Of course I pay, and I really want to because my friend is not working. Girl’s gotta eat!) we walk along Sansom street. I’m looking at her, with the tawny highlights in her luxurious dark mane. I’m listening to her words and I’m happy just to be walking down the street with Maria.

She’s going to stop in at Harp and Crown and see if they’re hiring. I’ve got to get to the salon. We promise to text later about what we spoke about and I wish her luck.

We hug and off she goes. I turn and head down 16th street. I light a post lunch/Maria encounter celebratory cig and smile in the afternoon sun.

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day at 8am & 12pm EST.

Instagram: @phicklephilly                              Facebook: phicklephilly

15 Tips to Stop Dating a Married Man – Part 2

7. Give him a pregnancy scare

He is going to tell you to abort the child because he cannot leave his family. His reaction will determine where you stand in his life. And once he does so, you should not think twice before walking out of this hell. You are the one who will have to make the sacrifice because of a situation he put you in.

8. Ask him to file for divorce

Do not threaten to leave him. He has prepared himself for this long time before it popped into your mind. He will talk you out of it. Ask him to file for a divorce. Tell him you can’t continue going on like this. He is never going to do it, though he may keep on asking you time.

You’d know this better, because you might have already given him enough time.

9. Stop lying to yourself and everyone else

Going behind a man’s wife and kids for your affair isn’t worth it. You have to constantly lie to yourself and to your near and dear ones to keep this relationship going. And you cannot declare your relationship in public it has to be a hush-hush affair.

There are so many secrets you have to keep and for what? A relationship that has no future. You cannot go out in public, cannot introduce him to your friends.
He will never acknowledge you as his girlfriend.

10. Think about the kids

Think about what impact this news will have on the kids. They are not prepared for such a situation. Would they not hate you? Can you take hatred of kids, so to say? They cannot handle the trauma of having divorced parents and custody issues.

11. Tell the wife

The wife has the right to know who she married. Telling her will put you in a bad light but you cannot expect anything else. She needs to know, because her ignorance can encourage the man to do it again with someone else. Telling her will lift a heavy weight off your chest. He will probably not pull you in his life and will perhaps even bad mouth you. But the plus point is that you will no more be tied to that man.

12. Sever all ties

Free yourself from this affair. Tell him to never contact you again. Block his number and delete his contact. Block him from your social media accounts and you’re your common friends not to have you both together. Threaten to inform the wife if he tries to reach you.

13. Contact an ex

Having a friendly conversation with your ex reminds you how a real relationship felt like. It may not have ended on good terms but it was real. You will remember your old self again. Contacting your ex is just an attempt you save bits of yourself and not rekindle any old romance.

14. Tell your best friend

Don’t think about all the judging looks she will give you. In the end, she will support you and hold you together when all of this is over. You will need her the most when it all comes down crashing.

two woman talking

15. Get back to your old life

You have been leading a secretive life and must have lost contact with your old friends. Reconnect with lost ones and get your life back. He is not going to like this because it will expose your relationships’ vulnerability.

Go on dates and meet new people. Who knows where you find someone.

Tips to survive a breakup with a married man

You are blaming yourself. A part of you feels ashamed and guilty, but mostly you are in pain. You thought that you will have a happy ending but instead, you are left with a big hole in your heart. You feel exposed. It is because you were emotionally involved in the relationship. You need to pull yourself together. Here are ways to let go of a married man:

  • Have your share of mourning. Let yourself grieve and take it all out once and for all
  • Make sure it is completely over. Go to all extremes to ensure that he doesn’t come back
  • Don’t blame yourself. Blaming yourself will only justify that you were the cause
  • Have a friend as a shield. Your friend will ensure that you don’t do anything stupid
  • Revive yourself. Bring back your old self that got lost when you met him
  • Embrace your freedom. Focus on your life goals. Live your life on your terms. Breathe

It may sound painful at first, but it is totally not worth investing your time and life on someone who is already taken. Unless you are also in it for the fun part, it is best to end this affair as soon as you can.

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day at 8am & 12pm EST.

Facebook: phicklephilly        Instagram@phicklephilly       Twitter: @phicklephilly

Sun Stories: Jill – Trish’s Replacement – Hired

Trish lasted almost a year here at the salon. But she’s so unstable she can’t do the job anymore. I hope she gets the professional help she needs to deal with her mental psychosis.

We end up hiring Jill to work at the salon. At this point Achilles doesn’t know about the incident with Trish. Jill has industry experience and catches on quickly and is happy to have a job. She’s sweet to the customers and is up for any task in the salon. Being a former client, she’s happy to now enjoy the benefits of free tanning!

I really get to know her and she seems to have had a difficult life based on some bad decisions. I also discover that she’s had some real problems with alcohol. She’s currently living in a halfway house with some other women in recovery. I don’t know what she did to get there but at least she’s trying to get better.

Halfway Houses are transitional living places for those in recovery from drugs or alcohol. In some states, because of legal requirements, the term “sober living house” is used. Some people go to halfway houses from a treatment center, prison, or a homeless situation, while others go there to be in a sober and clean environment to begin the recovery process. Some residents are in halfway houses due to court orders.

Most halfway houses require residents to pass breathalyzer and drug screening tests as they aren’t equipped to deal with withdrawal symptoms from drugs or the DT’s (Delirium tremens, which are associated with severe alcohol withdrawal). If you can’t pass these tests, a treatment center might be your best option.

 

How a Halfway House is Managed

Many halfway houses are run by people who themselves were at one time a halfway house resident. The houses accommodate either men or women.

Most people who don’t seek recovery from alcohol or drugs will end up on “skid row,” in jail, an insane asylum, or dead. If you are concerned about a friend or family member, an intervention can be the best help for them if they’re not yet in recovery. The good news is that 85% of interventions that are properly carried out result in the person seeking some kind of help. Most interventions carried out without help from people well versed in addiction fail.

 

Determining the Primary Addiction

In seeking recovery from drugs or alcohol, it is important to identify which is the primary addiction — alcohol or drugs. Due to economics, halfway houses are set up to house both alcoholics and drug addicts. In order to obtain optimal results, the person in recovery should focus on either the program of Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous, depending on what the primary addiction is. A person who is addicted to alcohol will relate better to AA and the person addicted primarily to drugs will relate better to fellow drug addicts.

 

How to Choose a Halfway House

In choosing a Halfway House, ask around local AA or NA meetings about those with good reputations, or check with a respected treatment center. Also, choose one that is reasonably near the meetings you will be attending. Most halfway houses accommodate residents until 6 months to a year or two of continuous sobriety or clean time. Houses that have a range or recovery time for people currently residing at the house, such as someone with one month, 90 days, and 6 months are preferable to one with all residents with under 30 days in recovery. Also, those with a live-in manager are generally better choices. Some houses have a democratic process, in which the residents choose who will be coordinator or manager.

I hope everything works out with Jill on our team!

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish everyday at 8am  & 12pm EST.

Instagram: @phicklephilly        Facebook: phicklephilly   Twitter: @phicklephilly

An Expert Improved My Tinder Profile & The Results Were Immediate

Here’s an article by one of my female followers.

As a dating writer —  I’m constantly tweaking my dating app profiles. I test different pictures and new bios in an effort to get more matches, have more engaging conversations, and hopefully go on more dates. An improved Tinder profile doesn’t mean catering to what you think potential matches want to see; it’s all about portraying your best self. You want to express your personality in a way that helps other people to recognize how amazing you are.

To help me do just that, I enlisted the help of Meredith Golden, online dating expert and founder of SpoonmeetSpoon. Golden is a dating app ghostwriter who swipes on her clients’ apps for a living, so she really knows her stuff. She analyzed my Tinder profile and let me know what aspects were working in my favor, and what elements could be improved. After implementing the changes, I saw immediate results.

Her advice is always specific to the client, so while some of these changes may be applicable to you, it’s important to remember that your dating app profile is particular to you as an individual. If my experience working with an online dating expert taught me one thing, it’s that you want your profile to be as unique as you are. So by all means, learn from my mistakes. Just know that what works for one person may not always work for another. If you’re interested in some personalized feedback, you can always work with Golden yourself. She’s basically a fairy godmother for online dating.

Golden’s first order of business was to look through my pictures. She saw that I had my Instagram connected to Tinder, so she scrolled through there and picked out a few photos she liked better. She explained that the photos she cut weren’t as flattering as they could be, and she wanted to show off my most attractive qualities. “Some of your pictures convey how adorable you are and work for you,” she said. Others, not as much.

She cut my six previous selections down to five, keeping two and swapping out three. For my first photo, she chose one of me posing on a garden bench, smiling in a grey sweater and jeans. “My goal when you’re talking to someone on Tinder is for them to swipe right on you,” she said. “I want that first picture to hit it out of the park.” She emphasized that I looked pretty and radiated positivity in this picture. Plus, she liked that I was seated so my figure is visible.

Jamie Kravitz/Tinder

She also advised me to disconnect my Instagram and protect my privacy. We talked about how usually a person will only look through a potential match’s Instagram if they’re on the fence about swiping right or left. For most people, a few featured photos are enough to make a decision. “I would rather you just put your best foot forward,” Golden told me. “You bring a lot to the table with four or five fabulous pictures. Disable your Instagram so you can control what you’re putting out there.”

We settled on three solo pics, one of me and my mom to show I’m close with my family, and one photo that didn’t have me in it at all. This was a surprise to me, and Golden said she wouldn’t do this in all instances. In my case, though, she thought a photo of my bookshelf really showed my personality and made for an interesting talking point.

“I want your profile to be a comprehensive story about you that still portrays you as being attractive,” said Golden. “I’m not having you eating a burrito with food hanging out of your mouth in any of the pictures, which I see all the time and I have no idea why people do that. I want to show that you have personality and that you’re approachable and engaging.”

Then we moved on to my bio, which Golden thought was funny, but not personal enough. I was actually still using one I had previously crafted for an article about Tinder bios: “Looking for a partner in crime. Must enjoy long walks in the park, be extremely loyal, and always get excited when I come home from work. Bonus points if you’re actually a dog.”

Especially because we disconnected my Instagram, she wanted me to mention things about myself. “I would focus more on you. There’s a technique I borrow from Hinge: two truths and a lie. You can put that on your description on Tinder, because it generates a conversation,” she said. (Hinge uses a number of different prompts to help you fill out your profile, and two truths and a lie is a popular choice.)

We chose two basic, but interesting facts about me, and made up a third. We said that I’m great at roller skating, which I’m definitely not, but it’s not a claim that’s out of the realm of possibility. Golden said that this approach makes it really easy for even the laziest guy to send me a message guessing which one is the lie. “In the profile description, I want someone to have something to talk to you about,” she said. “I want the guy to start and I want to give him some data. Two truths and a lie is an easy way to do that.”

Next up were my preferences. I had my radius set to 10 miles, which she said was a good distance from my home in Manhattan. She thought it was important to reach the other boroughs of the city, plus the adjacent city of Hoboken, New Jersey. “We don’t need to do like 30 miles to take us to the suburbs, because at 22, you’re not dating someone who’s got kids,” she said.

Ten miles in the city feels like a lot, since I typically find that my matches are usually only two or three miles away. I would be open to dating someone who lives farther, and I don’t want to miss out on someone great just because I’d prefer not to take the subway.

My age range was from 22 to 28 (I’m 22), and Golden suggested I bump up my maximum age to 32. “I know that sounds totally creepy from where you sit at 22, but I think women tend to mature faster than guys,” she said. She explained that a 30-year-old guy who has a great career and is looking for an equally great relationship is likely to open up his search to include much younger women. In order for us to be on each other’s radars, I needed to increase my age preferences to include older men. “It opens up your dating options. He’s 30 or 31 but you’re in the same stage of life,” said Golden.

I see her point, though I am a little concerned we wouldn’t have much in common. She told me that I would likely freak out the first time I went out on a date with someone who is over 30, but after five or so dates it wouldn’t feel like a big deal. I haven’t set one up yet, so I’ll have to keep you posted.

I made those changes and got to swiping. I’m not exaggerating when I say I saw results right away. I matched with one guy, and he immediately messaged me saying, “Is that a Harry Potter bobblehead?!” about the picture of my bookshelf. Then, he took on my two truths and a lie (and got it right). A few other guys also messaged me first trying to guess the lie in my bio.

Jamie Kravitz/Tinder

I feel like I’m getting better quality matches, and more engaging messages from those matches. Men are messaging me first more than they did before. I’ve set up three actual dates already. Matching with older guys feels more serious, but not in a bad way. They’re asking me on legitimate dates to dinner or the movies, rather than just expecting to come over to my place and hook up.

View image on Twitter

 

Talk about an eye-opening experience. I never would have thought to make some of these changes on my own, but they’re already paying off.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day at 8am & 12pm EST.

Facebook: phicklephilly        Instagram@phicklephilly   Twitter: @phicklephilly