My Father – 1929 to 2016 – Diamonds and Rust – Part 1

Well I’ll be damned
Here comes your ghost again.
But that’s not unusual.
It’s just that the moon is full
And you happened to call
And here I sit
Hand on the telephone
Hearing a voice I’d known
A couple of light years ago
Heading straight for a fall.

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Note: I wrote this a year ago when I was still feeling salty about a lot of things. I’m fine. I’ve forgiven everyone and life is better than it’s ever been here in Philly. There may be moments in this tome that seem angry or bitter. I am not either of these things. I’m just telling a story about a man who struggled with himself and my relationship with him.

I have done dozens of edits on this peice and even thought about cancelling the series the night before it was published. But I have to go with my gut and just tell the story.

One day I’ll be gone too. But this will blog will live on the internet forever.

And I know no forever.

Everything in you life is finite.

The only thing that feels like forever is the Universe.

“The universe is everything that ever was, is, or ever will be with no limit to time and space.”

The rest of everything and what we are is simply dust in the wind.

 

The holidays are rapidly approaching Dad and you’ve been gone for a couple of years. I was looking at some family photos recently, and I saw one in particular. It was your wedding photo with mom. A couple starting their life together full of promise and hope.

I was listening to the rock opera, Tommy by the Who. A brilliant rock opera you turned me on to in the basement of our original home in Northeast Philly.  I listen to all kinds of different music all of the time, but something happened during this combination of words and music.

I looked hard at the photo and the first thing that struck me was what a beautiful bride my mother was. The next thing was how much my sister Janice’s son looks like you. Thankfully he has more hair and a sweeter disposition, but the eyes and smile are there.

Janice has always been more like you than the rest of us. I love her very much and she’s definitely not you but most like you of any of the kids in this family. I’m definitely A Barr from mom’s side of the family. (Barr is my Mom’s maiden name.) Her brothers were charming, musical guys that kept their hair, youth and liked to drink and hang out with the ladies. My daughter Lorelei agrees that we are both Barrs.

April, our middle sister is probably a combo of my grandmother on mom’s side and your Aunt Margaret. Fiery, with a take no prisoners personality. The most beautiful of all of the children. Baby sister Gabrielle is firmly ensconced in Mom’s family as well. I hear my mother in her words and mannerisms. Gab is the closest relic we have left of our mother.

Dad, you and I had a challenging relationship. But it mirrored yours with mom in a way. We were both sort of at your mercy most of the time. Mom and I were family and you were the king that ruled over us. A fickle king that didn’t really know who he wanted to be. But always stepped up and did what he had to provide for us, and for that I’m eternally grateful.

You’re mother although a sweet woman married safe. Grandpop worked hard and knew how to make money and provide for his family. But he didn’t like being a father. He had no idea. You told me you looked upon like him like he was Superman. But he was just a man who worked hard, and liked to hang with is buddies at the bar. You wanted more, but got nothing in return. He’d tussle your hair and call you Pete. What the fuck is that? Your name is Horace.

(English and French form of HORATIUS, and the name by which the Roman poet Quintus Horatius Flaccus is commonly known those languages. In the modern era it has been used as a given name since the Renaissance, in honour of the poet.)

That’s a very old name, and it was his name and he made you Horace jr. because you were their first-born. Like my sister Janice, you unfortunately are the children that have to go through life with a sickle, where the rest of the siblings follow giggling and laughing. But you both have always carried a burden.

You were first, adored your father but struggled. Your younger brother Jackie was smarter, cuter and could do no wrong. I loved your brother very much. He has always felt like the dad I should have had. I would have flourished better in that family. Just leave me alone and let me do my art and music.

But you always had the cross to bear. I’m sorry that happened to you, Dad. That’s no life for a kid.

I love you, Dad.

I will love you until the black wings of death scatter my days and we will both be equal.

Your parents split up and got divorced when people didn’t do that. You were in Wildwood with your mother and little brother Jack, and my Grandmother sent you on a mission.

You were fourteen years old.

Your mother sent you to Philadelphia on the train to tell your dad that you all wouldn’t be returning to Philadelphia at the end of the summer. A cowardice act but understandable at the time.

On a side note. The building she sent you to where your dad worked was at 5th and Chestnut. The Hotel Monaco stands there now and they couldn’t alter the building in any way because of its historical value. I have partied my ass of at the rooftop bar now called Stratus in the Dusk and Vapor rooms!

When I was at my lowest at age 14 I remember your mother saying, “He’s going to be great. Someday, he’ll make you so proud. ” Grammie knew. Grammie saw the inner fragility and strength in me. I loved her. Everyone had turned their backs on me in 1976 but Grammie was the only one that vocally held out hope for me. At the time I didn’t even know what was going to happen to me.

I remember years later my own mother said “I didn’t love you back then.” (Puberty)

Think of how devastating those words were to a child.

I forgive you mother. I was a fuck up and brought nothing to the table. I understand why you said that, and it’s okay.

Dad you took the train to Philly and went to the building at 5th and chestnut. That’s were your dad worked for an insurance company. He was great at his job, because he knew that all clients were equal regardless of their race. I remember when you told me that, and even though grandpop was a shit dad he did teach you some great core values.

He said to you to never say anything bad about black people, because they had the same needs and wants that we wanted and should be treated with respect. He may have liked to party at the bar with his crew, but I like this guy despite his shortcomings as a father. He taught you some important lessons, so that’s something.

My grandfather’s values still stand proud with me today through you.

Not you. Him. Shitty Dad, but honorable Grandfather values.

Dad… You’re just a collection of things you’ve been told. It’s okay. I understand.

Jack is the one with the original thoughts.

You still did good.

You go there, nervous and scared. You’re a kid. You go up to is office.

“Hey Pete.”

“Hey dad. Listen, we’re going to stay at the shore. Me and mom and Jack aren’t coming back to Philly.”

I can’t imagine the fear you must have been feeling in that cold, lonely moment.

“Ha! You’ll be back!”

And that was it.

My frightened father had to tell the man he worshiped and had failed him that he and his wife were separated.

How fucked up is that?

What does that do to a boy’s mind?

His brother Jackie is the cute one. He’s the star. Jack is as smart as a whip. My uncle Jack was the first graduating class of Margaret Mace in Wildwood NJ and he was Valedictorian. He never cracked a book. Jack was brilliant, funny and charming and built for business.

Very successful, married twice, plenty of kids, not around much, busy with work, but an amazing guy. All of his kids for the most part are wonderful and I’m happy to have them in my life to this day.

I can’t wait to see my cousins at my sister Janice’s annual holiday party this year. I love looking into the eyes of my cousin and seeing Jack’s eyes.

His light still flickering in his first daughter’s eyes.

 

The winter was rough for my grandmom, dad and Jack. I’ve heard tales of them waking up in their beds and condensation coming from their mouths it was so cold.  These are old seashore houses with no heat. My father forced to go to shitty resort town schools. (Wildwood High School) Funny how this would repeat itself with me many years later. (Sins of the father)

Why would you put me through this dad?

When he was a kid, my dad would go to get his toothbrush in the morning and it would be frozen in the cup in the bathroom.

All they had for heat was a little wood burning stove in the corner of the common space.

One day a neighbor called on my grandmom and said that someone had been dismantling and stealing his fence at night. His wooden fence was literally disappearing.

It was later learned that my uncle Jack would go out at night and take pieces of the neighbor’s fence and burn it in their stove to stay warm.

I love my Uncle Jack.

My father dropped out of high school and fell in with the wrong crowd. At one point they got their hands on a gun and were going to mug some guy to get money. He was rudderless in his teen yearsand losing his shit.

I felt this same darkness living in Wildwood in the winter of 1980, so I get it. No crime, but what a nightmare to live in a thriving resort town in the winter. There is NOTHING to do. It’s a ghost town.

It was awful. I felt cursed to be dropped there.

I lost all of my Philly friends, my band and everybody I knew. It was all about my dad escaping Philly and making sure that Janice went to Franklin and Marshall. After that his wife and kids would have to start over in a fucking ghost town.

 

My father ran away from home at age 17 and joined the army in 1946.

He said that it’s what made him into a man and brought order to his life. So basically it saved his life.

He had a great time in the army and learned much. Traveled the south and met many wonderful people. He fell in love with a beautiful girl named Naomi, but she eventually threw him over for another man.

Just young love doing what it does…

He comes back to Philly and goes to Temple University to get his GED. He meets a cute secretary who works there and starts dating her, and the rest is history. She became my mother.

 

Were they a good match? I’m going to go ahead and say no. But they made it work with what they had and knew and isn’t that what every fool does? I certainly have!

My mother always said, “Marriage is a dice roll. You just have to hope it comes up that you win most of the time.”

For the most part, I have a really normal family. That stability and core values, love and discipline worked and made some good people.

All of my sisters have turned out well.

What does that tell you?

It tells you that DAD was a good dad. If the girls turn out well he was a good dad. They are all wonderful women and I’m proud to be related to them.

It all worked out.

 

I’ll continue this tomorrow…

 

 

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Check out 5 reasons why it’s important to put your spouse before your parents

Keeping your spouse at the top of your list, above your parents, is vital to the success of your marriage. That does not mean you don’t love and honor your parents. It just means your spouse comes first.

Devotion to your spouse is vital to the success of any marriage. In the Bible the apostle Paul was teaching the people about marriage and the duties of husbands and wives when he said, “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh… . Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband (Ephesians 5:31-33).”

In order for marriage to flourish both husband and wife need to leave their parents and start a new home together. From that moment they need to be number one in each other’s life. That doesn’t mean they don’t love and care about their parents. It simply means that the top priority has now changed from parents to spouse.

Here are a few reasons why this is so important

1. It shows honor and respect for your spouse

When your husband or wife knows he or she comes before your parents, it creates a deeper marital bond. If a wife continually runs to her parents for counsel instead of first talking with her husband, it can create a feeling of distrust. The same with a husband. When you talk together as a couple about your problems and seek answers in a united way, it strengthens your marriage. Parents can be consulted, but it’s best done with both of you present, not going behind each other’s back. That doesn’t mean there won’t be times when one-on-one time with a parent is needed. It just means that running to a parent is not your first or usual response.

2. It shows your spouse and your parents that your marriage is solid

If one or the other keeps running home to Mom or Dad, complaining about his or her spouse, it can be damaging to your marriage. A mother of a young married daughter told about how her daughter was continually telling them bad things about her husband – nothing big, just annoying things like he doesn’t pick up his clothes, he watches too much TV, or a myriad of other nit-picky traits. When this happens the parents can’t help but feel like you married a loser, even though there are wonderful things about him that you love. If they have a skewed view of your mate due to your continual barrage of negatives, they may not give you proper counsel, even may encourage you to leave him. Unless there’s abuse, that would be disastrous. When you put your spouse first, your parents and your spouse will recognize how important your marriage is to you.

3. It creates a stronger intimacy with your spouse

When your focus is on your mate then each other’s needs can be met. There is a bond of devotion where deep sharing of thoughts and experiences kindle a love that can be experienced no other way. This kind of intimacy opens the door to a more romantic relationship. If you don’t feel like you’re number one, genuine intimacy is hard to achieve. Allowing your parents to have that number one spot can put a damper on your relationship. A woman told us about how her mother-in-law called her son every night at bedtime. She said, “Just when we finally have some alone time after the kids are in bed the phone rings, and it’s her. The other night we were snuggling on the couch enjoying each other when it rang. We knew who it was. My husband always feels obligated to take the call. It’s taking a toll on the intimate side of our marriage.” This couple solved the problem by the husband telling his mother this was not a good time to call. They then set a time that worked better for all concerned. Most parents want their kids to have a happy marriage and will respond to such requests. Taking this action helped his wife realize how important she was to him. Setting boundaries with parents in a kind and loving way is important. Keeping close to parents matters, and it can be done without jeopardizing your marriage.

4. When things get tough you can count on each other

When you’ve kept each other at the top of the list, there will be no question about loyalty to and from your spouse. A couple told of a time the husband lost his business. He said, “My wife was by my side the whole time, cheering me on, right up to the bitter end when the business collapsed. I knew that even if my parents or others criticized me for taking this risk, she would stick up for me.” No one chooses to fail, but if it happens it is comforting to know your spouse is right there to buoy you up. That goes for other kinds of challenges, as well. When you have kept each other as a priority, you’ll be there for each other through the hard times. Your spouse is your greatest support system. Parental love and support is nice to have, but in the end it is your spouse who is by your side daily.

5. When your parents reach the end of their lives, having your spouse by your side will be very comforting.

Keeping the relationship strong with your mate can make all heartaches a little more bearable, particularly this one. If you have been respectful and loving to your parents, all the while keeping your mate as your priority, your memories will be sweeter and your marriage will be stronger.

A caution

In all of this, don’t push your parents away. Include them in ways that work for you and your spouse. A loving relationship with parents can be very helpful in keeping your family strong. You and your spouse can build that relationship while keeping each other as your main priority.

Thanks. I hope this was helpful. I’d like to hear your thoughts on this piece.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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Wildwood Daze – The Union Jacks – Dirty John – Part 1

“Okay, He’s freaking out like a retard. Put him in his bed and we’ll go.”

I had been to the restaurant where Brian our drummer worked part-time as a busboy. I don’t remember, but I had been there to meet up with him once for some reason. I do remember Brian telling me the bartender there liked my “friend with the big eyes.” (Me.) I don’t remember that person and quickly dismiss it in my mind.

One night Brain wants to bring us to the restaurant where he works for drinks. We get there and the band sits at the bar. Brian introduces us to the bartender, Frank. Or, as Brian calls him, Frank the Fag. Now I get it. Frank fancies me. It’s a compliment, but I’m straight.

We all order bottles of beer. Frank is being Frank but he’s nice as could be. We’re all just chilling at the bar and it’s nice to all go out and have a drink as a band. It’s like we’re somebody now. People recognize us when we’re out and I like it.

We’re sitting there for about an hour chatting about music, when Frank presents me with not one, but two large tumblers filled with a frothy pink liquid.

“What’s this?”

“It’s called a Dirty John.”

“Thank you, but I never drink hard liquor. I just don’t do it. I’m a beer guy only.”

“I’ll drink it!”

Jim is the youngest and newest member of the band. I think he wants to show that he’s a bad ass that can hang with the older guys.

“That’s really not necessary Jim.”

“No. I want to.”

Jim proceeds to chug the drinks.

We settle up and walk outside. Brian and Mark say they’ll bring the car around. I’m smoking a cig waiting with Jim. Brian doesn’t allow smoking in his car so we wait.

“I gotta take a piss.”

“You could have gone in the bar, Jim. Actually, I gotta go too. Beer goes right through me. There’s some tall hedges behind the restaurant. Let’s go back there.”

We walk back and are standing next to each other as if we’re just a couple of students pissing in the urinals in the Boys bathroom at Wildwood High. I suddenly hear this rustling noise and a thump. I glance to my right and Jim has vanished. I zip up my fly and go to the spot where he was.

There’s Jim, face down in the next yard. While pissing he literally just collapsed forward between the hedges. What the fuck was in that drink? Whatever it was, it hit him like a sledgehammer.

Brian and Mark pull up in his yellow ’77 Ford Mustang II.

“What the fuck’s up with Wolfie?” (Brian sometimes referred to Jim as ‘ Wolfie’ because the way he brushed his hair back, it resembled Lon Chaney’s monster.)

“Guys get over here!”

Brian and Mark scramble from the car and run over. We get Jim to his feet and he is just gone. Slurring and stumbling and we get him to the car. It takes all three of us.

“He went from buzzed to black out in a matter of seconds!”

Brian’s driving. Mark’s riding shotgun, and of course I’m in the back with drunk boy. He’s really out of it. Conscious, but super fucked up. More drunk than I’ve ever seen anyone ever in my life.

Brian’s driving him back to his house. “He better not fuckin’ puke in my car! I swear to god!”

We get to Jim’s house and I’m about to get him out and he pukes all over me. He doesn’t even know I’m there. Now I’m wearing the Dirty John meant for me.

Thankfully his parents weren’t home when we dragged our new guitarist back into his house.

We carry him through the door, in front of at least a half dozen siblings. They all look on in utter horror. I assure them their brother isn’t dead. He’s just sick and we’re taking care of him.

The kids know me from school. I’m the kid that comes and waits for Jim each morning and lets my glasses steam up while watching the Today show waiting for my friend so we can walk to school together.

 

It’s a mess. The little kids are clueless. We are simply a group of guys bringing their older brother home because he’s sick. Everything’s fine. Just like in any household in the 70’s. It didn’t happen.

We bang Jim up the stairs to his bedroom. When I say, bang I mean he was dead weight and me, Brian and Mark did the best to get him to his room.

This is all new ground for all of us. We’re new musicians, but we don’t know anything about but extreme behavior even if it’s accidental.

My best friend is so sick. I am wearing his puke. We try to run his head under the shower to revive him. He cries out like a molested child so we withdrawal.

“Okay, He’s freaking out like a retard. Put him in his bed and we’ll go.”

Brian was always so pragmatic.

“Turn him over on his stomach.” (I say) Put his face at the edge of the bed.”

“Why?”

“Umm… Bon Scott….” (See: Tales of Rock – Bon Scott) 

“He’ll be fine.”

” Dude. Hendrix died choking on his own puke.”

“He’ll be fine.”

We leave our lead guitarist in his bed and all go home. It’s bee a fucked up night.

My best friend got poisoned by a drink meant for me. What was Frank’s plan? Get me drunk beyond recognition and take advantage of me? That’s kind of evil.

But the worst part of it is… Was Brian in on it?

 

 

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What You’re Taught vs. What You Want

I have worked in financial services for 20 years and advertising for 10. I’ve been very successful due to my skill in sales. But I’m done with the rat race and corporate America. It’s all a big lie.

We all do it to buy houses and get wives and kids and the American dream and it’s all a fat lie. But everybody’s buying it and they can’t invest fast enough or stay in it as long as they can as debtors because that’s what they’ve been sold and taught, and it’s all a lie.

You’re father told you to never to be a liar but that’s what you’re all living.

Imagine how you’re spending your life. In your apartment, Watching football with your bro’s or reading your comic books or whatever, and a lovely lady would come over maybe once a week and fuck you and love you. You are her one and only, and then when you’re done with dinner and sex and whatever else, she goes away until you summon her again for the same loving experience?

Perfect right?

You can’t. That’s for young men. You must marry, and get a house. mortgage and have kids. That’s what you’ve been sold so hard that you have lost yourself. You don’t know what you want anymore because your afraid your dream will fade. Your stupid legacy. Your shitty bloodline will end because of some shit your parents told you.

Lies.

All men want a lovely girl to make love to and have a cool life with,  but think about it…it’s bullshit.

The marriage is a fortune. We hate that we have to spend two months salary on a ring. What huge diamond conglomerate set that number? Everything in this country is about making money.

It’s sad.

Hey, spend a thousand dollars on a dress that you’re only going to wear once! It’s a giant party that costs a fortune. All the planning and everything. It’s awful. I’ve done it and will never do it again. She twirls around in a white dress for one night in front of her family and friends, and the guy is not allowed to ever have sex with anyone else again.

I think it would be better if you just get married at the court-house, if you absolutely feel that you need to be legally bound to another person. It would be nice if everybody would just send money and that would be it.

Most people just settle anyway. They’ve run out of options or are simply tired of looking. Most women start panicking around 27 years of age and start getting serious about finding some shlub to help them pay down their revolving debt they cranked up in their 20’s buying handbags, booze, shoes, and vacations.  They get a roof over their head and then start cranking out babies.

That’s it. Replicated a million times all over the world.

Thousands of dollars for the mortgage, the cars, and the kids!

Kids are an absolute fortune. Let’s have children so we will both have to work very hard for a very long time. What’s the point? There’s too many people in the world already. Then you have to get a bigger house in the suburbs where they have better schools.

They will push and struggle to make a bunch of money for a lifestyle that is absolute bullshit. It’s boring! What guy would want to work that hard and that long? Deal with a wife and kids everyday? It’s really not something I think most men realize they are getting into.

It’s almost never the guy’s idea to get married. The first set up is usually the best. You have your place, she has hers, sometimes you’re together and sometimes you’re alone. Perfect set up. That’s the set up I currently enjoy.

But what happens? Biological clock starts ticking.

“What are we doing? Where is this going?”

When you start to hear that shit, either run, or just surrender fellas.

Game over.

But it’s not all women’s fault. Some guys are just too insecure to be alone. They want that one chick that they can have sex with because they’re either not good at hunting, or have simply lost the will, or don’t have the fatal charm to go out and date.

I bet if you did a survey, and you could get the men to be honest, most would agree they would like to sit on the porch or go to a game, drink beer with their bro’s and get the occasional sex that’s consistent, and then just be left alone.

How cool would it be if Cinderella turned into a pizza and a six pack at midnight after she fucked your brains out for two hours and got off the property?

It’s sad. I hate seeing a bunch of broken down losers working their fucking asses off and getting pulled into jobs that mean nothing so they can support their lifestyles they built and they never really wanted any of that.

It’s all a lie.

We all want a simple uncluttered life, and we all end up miserable debtors.

Most people don’t have the courage to be alone.

To be in a room by yourself and take a deep breath and say:

Maybe marriage isn’t for me.

Somebody has to say this stuff, so it might as well be me.

Have a great week!

 

 

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Ambria – Chapter 15 – Atlantic City – Part 3

I did. I hope she enjoyed it. It sounded like she did but I don’t hear so well when my ears are locked between a pair of caramel thighs.

Sunday night was amazing. We got down here and her place is great. I did to her what I told her I was going to do. I like to give. She knows what that is and she says she likes to give as well. But we were there in her lovely efficiency at the Ritz Carlton in Atlantic City after our long days of work and the journey here. I want to please her. The cocktails are flowing and the dating is done. She has seen to that. It’s time for the you and me. We’re both tired but our desire is there and I really want to give her a reward before we retire at her lovely place.

I did. I hope she enjoyed it. It sounded like she did but I don’t hear so well when my ears are locked between a pair of caramel thighs.

I do my best and we fall into a satisfied sleep.

I awake the next morning and we’re both tired but want to head out onto the boardwalk in Atlantic City to people watch but get some food and drink.

I drank vodka from 5 to 8 last night before she picked me up. It took the edge off what was happening. The cheating, the new girl, the new place, AC, and the holiday. All nightmares to phicklephilly.

But I will soldier forth and have sex with two different women and love them both equally and make it work. I’m insane. Stop reading this blog now.

 

Lovely Ambria is so affable. So chill. This is a dating blog but it’s been two years and we made love three times that morning before we left the house.

Ambria has told me on our other dates that her fallopian tubes don’t line up so she can never have kids. That’s heartbreaking for everyone except me. I’ve paid $125k in child support to and absolute monster so if the planes are clear to fly with no babies, I’m ready to roll. I will send whatever boys I have left into the valley of joy as many times I can as long they are safe every time.

Ambria can’t get pregnant so I can have the best super sex with her that every man on Earth wants everyday. It’s 4th of July weekend, I’m at a sweet condo with a gorgeous lady that has pretty much brought me here to close, so yes. Let it roll. And roll we do.

We get down to some serious intimate love and we create some new positions.

You all know, when you have amazing sex in the morning your day can never suck after that.  It’s impossible.

Think of it. Oh my God, I got fired today… I did have mad sex this morning with Jennifer Lopez. Ah… I’ll find another job.

Everybody on all of the dating sites on Earth just wants to make mad love to someone who loves them.

That’s it.

I know there’s a whole bunch of responsibility in a relationship. I’m a parent I get it. Shut the fuck up. You all want that electric sex to light up again.

That shit is gone in your life. It ‘s okay. The brightest stars burn out early. Supernovas are so bright and then are gone. Jimi, Janis, Jim, Kurt.

I once talked to a friend of mine why everybody was so fixated on food all of the time, and he said it’s because we can’t have sex all of the time.

That dude may have been right, but he makes a good point. You’re trying to fill that hole in your life with everything else that isn’t real love and sex.

That’s what everybody wants. Don’t lie to yourself.

If you could have that sweet man or woman in your life that you could just be easy with and be yourself with you would love that.  They accept you. You can just hang out and it’s easy. No trouble. A balance.

Beyond the mortgage, the car payments, the utilities and an all of the kid, shit you really dug each other… that would be a solid relationship.

That’s what everybody wants.

Simple.

So here we are. We wake up in the same bed. The space is lovely. It’s here. But I could live in a space like this forever. I see this efficiency as a model for the rest of my life and I’m dead serious. If Lorelei moves out, I’m going to get a place that looks exactly like this.

Thank you Ambria, for clarifying my future housing to me.

Maybe Ambria and I are meant to travel together.

We both decide that we need to clean up and go walk the boardwalk and get some food and drinks.

She allows me to shower first and we are good sex/travel partners. I love to go first.  (The water is hot, and I’m in and out)

What’s great about this room is that is very old hotel room. The shower head has that dial on it that goes from shower stream, to pulsating jets, to sharp skin drilling streams.

I love this feature but feel the pain as the jets hit me in places that laser jets of water shouldn’t hit my genitals like a hose at an early sixties racial uprising.

We’re both happy we have finally consummated our little dating relationship. I mean I hope we have, but I adore Ambria, and this shit is destiny.

Ambria is the architect of this holiday weekend and she’s gotten what she came for. It happened three times this morning and now here we are. We’ve had a lovely. romantic courtship and now we’ve gone to her shore house to have loads of hot sex.

Phicklphilly is a dating blog, but that’s what happened.

Two of my sisters read this blog and I’m sorry Janice and Gabrielle, but I need the followers so I’ll deal with this at Janice’s annual holiday party.

How about we never talk about it ever again and if I show up with an attractive woman at Christmas and just pretend you know nothing. Because you won’t know which one it is and you’ll blow my cover.

 

Lovely Ambria and I wander out onto the Atlantic City Boardwalk. It’s a warm sunny day. A people watching feast.

Time to go find some hot food and some cold beer.

 

 

 

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5 Signs A Broken Relationship Is Still Worth Saving

5 Signs A Broken Relationship Is Still Worth Saving

How could you know if your broken relationship with your partner is worth saving? Is there a sure sign of things being beyond repair? We will look at some of the symptoms of broken relationships that can be revived, and some advice on how to save your relationship.

You and your partner have had your ups and downs, but lately it seems like you’re in a deep one. Not every crisis has to mean the end of a partnership though. All of the time that you’ve put into this pairing is an investment that you want to see a return on. Don’t walk out yet if your broken relationship is still worth saving.

1. YOU STILL TRUST YOUR PARTNER

There cannot be intimacy without trust and there cannot be a good trusting connection without open communication. Open communication is not about nagging or criticism; it is about expressing your feelings so you can both get what you need, and hopefully, what you want from the relationship. If sex has declined, it’s not the end of your relationship. You can still have intimacy without intercourse through touching, and that might build enough trust to lead to being able to have more sex.

2. YOU’VE SURVIVED CHALLENGES WITH RESPECT FOR EACH OTHER

Coming through the fire has made you stronger, not weaker, and your love for each other can still be enough to save the relationship. Read below about the power of touch and positive communication to heal your relationship. You’ve been through some hardships, but you’ve made it through the rough parts by each others’ side.

How your partner handles stress is a great determination of their character and it reveals a lot about them to you. If you survived a challenge and can look at your partner with respect for their courage, composure, and ability to find humor, you are a lucky person because your broken relationship is still worth saving.

3. YOU STILL BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF LOVE TO HEAL

Love is one of the most powerful forces on the planet, and we don’t use it as much as we should. Give hugs, kisses, gentle shoulder rubs, and caresses to your partner as often as you think about wanting to do it. Physical contact helps stimulate the release of oxytocin and that makes couples bond more strongly.

Oxytocin is called ‘The Cuddle Hormone’ for a reason. It helps mother and child bonding, as well as romantic couple bonding. Oxytocin may also help with healing, literal wounds in the body, and with emotional ones also, so hug it out. Researchers looked at couples and their levels of oxytocin while they talked. They found that positive communication patterns where couples could be upbeat with each other had the highest blood levels of oxytocin. The study also found that higher oxytocin levels had the power to heal. You can literally heal your broken heart with oxytocin.

4. YOU ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOU ALSO PLAYED A ROLE IN WHATEVER BROKE THE RELATIONSHIP

Maybe you did nothing wrong, but you didn’t believe yourself worthy of love, so you couldn’t truly receive the love that your partner was giving you. Relationshiprules.com has a great way of putting this; ‘open yourself to embrace the fact that the other person is truly and actually madly in love with you and is ready to cross any physical or emotional barrier for you. This moment of clarity is the reality of every strong relationship.’

How can you fix whatever is broken if you won’t acknowledge that it needs to be fixed? There are two people in every relationship and both contribute to the health and security of the partnership. Neither one of you is blameless but neither one of you is completely to blame either. If you say nothing else, say these four sentences to your partner often; ‘I’m sorry.’ ‘Please forgive me.’ ‘Thank you.’ ‘I love you.’

5. IMAGINE YOURSELF SEPARATED

Are you happy or sad thinking about breaking up with your partner? If you are happy, you will be smiling as you think about it. If you’re not smiling, it’s a sign that your broken relationship is still worth saving. A breakup can lead to a major depressive disorder or depression, which is a terrible consequence for your mental and physical health.

Researchers looked at when depression was most likely to develop for teenagers. They found that ‘The severing of a romantic relationship in the past year may set the stage, or at least one stage, for developing MDD (major depressive disorder).’ Depression can kill and it is nothing to brush off. Extreme sadness is common for people going through romantic relationship difficulties. If you feel depressed, seek help sooner rather than later.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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4 Red Flags Of Emotional Abuse In A Relationship That You Might Not Spot At First

 

Here’s another contribution by one of my female followers. Always informative.

I’ve been lucky enough to never have had partner put their hands on me. I came from a family where the threat of physical violence was always there and so I swore that if I ever found myself in another physically abusive relationship, I would leave it immediately. It was my red line in the sand. However, when it came to emotional abuse, as it turned out, I wasn’t as prepared; I didn’t know how to spot the red flags of an emotionally abusive relationship. Some might be obvious, but others are much more subtle — but every bit as damaging.

I’ve had a partner who messed with my head by repeating a cycle of love-bombing and withdrawing so that I never could feel secure. And one whose gaslighting twisted up my psyche so hard, it took months of therapy to feel like myself again. And another partner who constantly critiqued my body from head to toe, out of “love” and “concern” — which was absolute bullshit. None of these behaviors were as glaring as, say, a slap or a push, but the lingering emotional scars were just as real. Fortunately, all of these relationships ended and with each one I learned new important lessons that would serve me as I moved forward and found better partners.

If any of this sounds familiar, or you suspect you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, here’s what you should be looking out for.

 

1. Your partner is casually manipulative.

Manipulation — a technique in which someone uses dishonest or misleading means of getting what they want — plays a big role in emotionally abusive relationships.

Because emotional abuse stems ultimately from a place of selfishness and entitlement, they are less inclined to compromise, and manipulation is the best way to get what they want regardless of the effect it has on their partner.

“Manipulation is second nature to emotionally abusive partners,” warns relationship expert and matchmaker Alessandra Conti of Matchmakers In The City. “It is just the way that they are used to communicating so that they are not held accountable for their actions.”

One of the most common forms of manipulation is gaslighting, which is when someone manipulates you into questioning your own sanity. “When a [partner] makes you second-guess your interactions with them, or makes you feel guilty for something that was objectively their fault, you may have a seasoned emotional abuser on your hands.”

One of the ways that this manifests is that you may begin blaming yourself for everything wrong in the relationship. If this is happening, Conti says it’s time to take step back and recognize that your partner may actually intentionally “planting these unsettling emotions within your psyche.”

 

2. Your partner feels entitled to all of your time.

It’s totally natural to want to spend a lot of time with your partner, especially early on in the relationship when it seems impossible that you could ever get enough of each other. But that becomes a problem when you need to do other things or just would like a little space and your partner finds that unacceptable. They may insist you spend time with them or guilt you into abandoning other plans. This isn’t love, it’s control, and it’s totally unhealthy for the relationship.

“Having your own autonomy is so critical to not only your overall happiness, but for your relationship’s as well,” explains Kali Rogers, a licensed therapist and founder of Blush Online Life Coaching.

So don’t feel guilty about setting boundaries and having time for yourself. Anyone who doesn’t accept that is not a partner who makes your needs and happiness a priority.

 

3. Their “passion” makes you feel bad about yourself.

Passion is something we crave and want in a relationship. It makes your feel alive, wanted, and reaffirmed. However, sometimes unhealthy things can hide behind a veneer of “passion.” There are so many examples of false passion in movies and books like Fifty Shades or Twilight that it’s easy to confusion obsession and control for passion. But here’s how you tell the difference. Passion feels good. If it doesn’t, it ain’t passion, it’s abuse.

But what does that mean in practice? Conti gives the following example: “He loves me so much, and that is why he freaks out at me if a guy looks at me when I am walking down the street. Or he loves me so much and that is why he tells me that I look like a slut when I am wearing a dress.” Jealousy is not a compliment.

 

4. They frequently put you (or your friends and family) down.

Emotional abusers tend to undermine their partners. Their thinking is the lower your self-esteem is, the easier it is to maintain control of you. Conti explains, “When your SO makes underhanded, negative comments about your weight or physical appearance, or highlights your weaknesses consistently, they are attempting to tear you down so that you will become dependent on their praise and assurances. These little comments will often be offset by compliments, which can be a total mind game.”

Along these same lines, emotional abusers will also target your friends and family, or anyone in your support system. Relationship coach Monica Parikh of School of Love NYC says the do this because “the goal is to isolate you from your support network, making you an easy target for emotional manipulation and abuse.” It’s a highly effective one-two punch of undermining your self-esteem and distancing you from anyone who could offer support and bolster your self-worth.

Here’s how to get out of an emotionally abusive relationship.

While all of the things your abusive partner does to keep you in an abusive partner’s control can make it seem impossible to get out of the situation, it’s not. You can get out. You are strong enough and you deserve better.

YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH AND YOU DESERVE BETTER.

If you’ve come to the realization that your relationship is emotionally abusive, Conti advises that it’s time to seek the help of a professional. “Research the different therapists within your healthcare plan, and select one that is nearby and commit to going and being brutally honest about your situation,“ she says. But if going to a therapist isn’t an option for you, don’t worry you, still have options. “You can also call your local church, temple, etc. where they can usually provide you with local organizations who will help you for free,” adds Conti.

The National Domestic Abuse Violence Hotline is a toll-free, 24/7 service that can connect you to a trained advocate. Dial 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) to reach help via the phone or use their live chat.

Most importantly, you need to consider your safety. While not all emotionally abusive partners will become physically dangerous, it’s a possbility you should be aware of. Conti advises protecting yourself by “alerting your friends and family about your situation, and if you have a trusted neighbor, you can even let them know that you are going through a breakup, just so they can be an extra set of eyes.”

Ending a relationship is never easy, especially with an emotionally abusive partner, but you can do it. You deserve better and the first step in achieving that is believing and setting yourself free.

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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