21 of our Favorite Holiday Gag Gifts — All from Amazon

I love this crap!

Happy Holiday, Everyone!

 

A warning to those who leave their children unattended in cafes

unattendedchildren

Amazon

“Unattended children will be given espresso and a free kitten” sign, $12.99

Perfect for that friend who owns a cafe and just can’t figure out how to deal with the unbridled children of their caffeine-fiend clientele.

 

A (loudly) screaming goat figurine and booklet

screaminggoat

Amazon

“The Screaming Goat” book and figure, $7.55

If they still can’t get enough of that Screaming Goat video on YouTube, this is as blood-curdling — and annoying — as you might imagine. Trust me, I have one on my desk. My colleagues love me.

Blinker fluid, for the uninclined

blinker fluid

Amazon

Blinker Fluid, $6.95

We can all think of someone who this is for. Maybe they’ll get the message now.

The world’s smallest violin

violin

Amazon

3-Inch Miniature Violin Replica (with case), $11.98

Sorry, no pony this year, either, kiddo. Play it, momma.

A mock video game to drop the hint that it’s time they pull their weight around the house

extremechores

Amazon

Extreme Chores: Motion Controlled Video Game (empty box), $7.49

For little Lord Fauntleroy. Yeah, maybe coal didn’t quite get the message across, but this ought to do the trick. Note that this box comes empty, so you can also fill it with coal, if you so please.

Your face on a pair of socks

facesocks

Amazon

Custom Photo Face Socks, $15.59

Put the mug of their best friend (or worst enemy) on a pair of socks. Either way, they’ll wear them. Trust us.

For those who ask too many questions

'what if? Serious Scientific Answers to Absurd Hypothetical Questions'

Amazon

“What If? Serious Scientific Answers to Absurd Hypothetical Questions,” $11.49

Great coffee table (or commode) material for the coveter of useless information.

Help them slow that little tyke down

toddler tamer gag

Amazon

Toddler Tamers (gag kit), $7.99

Parents, rejoice!

An ice cream lock, so they’ll stop blaming you for being the culprit

icecreamlock

Amazon

Ben & Jerry’s Euphori-Lock Ice Cream Lock, $24.19

For the stingy one who’ll never share their ice cream.

Poems by cats about what cats do best

icouldpeeonthis

Amazon

“I Could Pee on This: And Other Poems by Cats,” $9.89

For your friend, family member, or housemate who’s just a little too in love with their feline and could stand a reality check.

A muffler whistle, to terrorize both them and the neighborhood

mufflerwhistle

Amazon

Muffler Whistles, $8.79

To the know-it-all mechanic(s) in your life: Fix this!

Your face (or theirs) on a real potato

potatoface

Amazon

Potato Pal, $17.99

Your face on a potato. How could they not savor this forever and ever?

One dozen rattlesnake eggs (keep warm for best results)

rattlesnakeeggs

Amazon

(Fake) Rattlesnake Eggs, $7.99

Best delivered incubator-warm.

A bag of “the world’s strongest coffee”

deathwishcoffee

Amazon

Death Wish Coffee Co. Coffee, $19.99

We only hope they’ll get this is a gag.

An impossible-to-solve puzzle

ravensburgerpuzzle

Amazon

Ravensburger Puzzle, $15.68

Something to finally stump that very special whiz kid you know.

A remote-controlled scorpion (be sure to pre-open and gift-wrap this one)

rcscorpion

Amazon

Remote-Controlled Scorpion, $15.99

Have the remote handy for when they open this one; it’ll work a lot better.

A game for the whole family

relativeinsanity

Amazon

Relative Insanity Party Game, $14.16

Think “Cards Against Humanity,” but for some wholesome fun for the whole family.

A personal cleansing wheel (in lieu of the bidet they keep asking for)

rotowipe

Amazon

Roto Wipe Personal Cleansing Wheel, $7.99

So they’ll finally stop pestering you for that exorbitant bidet thing they all love so much over in Europe. (Note: This is just an empty box in which to wrap your real gift.)

Instructions for gracefully approaching (and achieving) senescence

crotchety

Amazon

“How Not to Become a Crotchety Old Man,” $6.39

Dear Dad (or Grandpa)…

Snot (and tear) mittens, for those who work outdoors, or just won’t stop wiping their nose on their sleeve

snittens

Amazon

Snittens, The Original Snot Mittens, $19.99

One side for snot, the other for tears. Maybe after receiving this, they’ll stop wiping their nose on their sleeve, or their bare hands. Probably not. Either way, they actually work!

A practice putting green for the bathroom

toiletgolf

Amazon

Toilet Golf, $9.95

If their Golf Digest subscription just isn’t cutting it on long trips to the john anymore, they can always stand to work on their short game.

 

 

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Woman asks if she’s an asshole for choosing video games over her ex. The internet is divided

Long-term relationships always require compromise in order to thrive. Regardless of how peaceful the waters are, or how much you have in common when it comes to world outlook, there will always be small sacrifices required to make a relationship work.

One of the hardest parts of compromising in a relationship is figuring out the lines between giving up parts of yourself, and making changes for your partner. For example, demanding someone gives up a hobby is a different request than asking they cut down some of their hobby time so you can hang out.

In a recent Reddit post on the subreddit Am I The Asshole, commenter yhrowawayvideoganems asked the internet if she mishandled a situation with her now ex-girlfriend.

“AITA for breaking up with my girlfriend over my video games.

So I have a decent video collection, I will not post pictures as I do not want this post linked to my actual account.”

The OP (original poster) has collected and played video games for years, and it’s a solid part of her relaxation time. After two years together, her (ex) girlfriend and her decided to take the leap to move in together. However, OP’s ex-girlfriend had one fairly large request before moving in: that OP get rid of her entire video game collection.

“My girlfriend of 2 years 25f and me 24f decided we wanted to move in together, she kinda mentioned getting rid of my collection but I thought she was joking so I brushed it off. Turns out she wanted me to get rid of my whole video game collection, some of my games are worth some money and I’ve been keeping them so they can become more expensive. My collection is also 3 years of me thrift shopping and I do not want to throw that away, I tried to explain it but she refused and told me that I did not love her enough to make this sacrifice.”

When OP explained that she really values the games, and at this point getting rid of them would be a huge and unwanted sacrifice, her ex gave an ultimatum: the relationship or the games.

“About 2/3 days ago she called me and said it’s me or the fucking video games. I chose the games and she hung up on me. Everyone that I’ve spoken to (excluding a few people) have been telling me I fucked up, and that I should of picked her over some games. AITA?”

In the end, OP chose the games over her ex, and now people in her life are claiming she made a mistake. So, as many of us in the modern age do, OP turned to the internet to get a consensus on whether picking the games made her an asshole or not.

AnimalLover38 doesn’t think it’s a jerk move, since relationships shouldn’t be made or broken based on ultimatums.

“NTA, ultimatums almost never work anyways and are sometimes used as an easy way out of a relationship.”

“Unless OP was jobless and spent every waking moment playing games rather then being an adult with a job then there’s no reason for her gf to make such a big deal out of it. Maybe OP’s girlfriend wanted out of the relationship but didn’t know how to do it so she just chose the one thing she knew OP would never part with and made a big deal out of it.”

dandelionii echoed the fact that ultimatums are manipulative, and it was perfectly fine for OP to pick her hobby.

“NTA, ultimatums are stupid and unfair and if she’s willing to make this big of a deal over a videogame collection (which you presumably purchased with your own money) it doesn’t bode well for the future.”

merinis pointed out the fact that a healthy relationship would involve someone who shares an interest in video games, or at least understands and doesn’t mock it.

“Exactly. OP would be better off finding someone that isn’t trying to be so controlling, and maybe even someone that shares his her interests.”

Hunterstewartmurdock defended ultimatums as a right in any relationship, and pointed out that people are allowed to have dealbreakers and lay them out for their partner. That being said, they don’t think OP is a jerk for wanting to keep their collection.

“I don’t think there is anything inherently wrong with an ultimatum, some things are dealbreakers for people and that’s alright. If I dated someone with bad hygiene and they refused to shower every day, I would demand better hygiene from them. If not I would leave. It doesn’t make me an asshole and it doesn’t make them an asshole, it just means maybe our priorities don’t line up and we aren’t right for each other. They can do find someone else who is ok with their flaws and I can find someone who is ok with my flaws.”

“That being said, demanding that she get rid of her collection is petty and demeaning. NTA in this case for sure, but very close to NAH in my opinion.”

Rich000123 defended the ex-girlfriend by pointing out how vague the original post is, and that it sounds like there are important details left out. It’s never made clear how large the collection is, or whether OP has a videogame addiction, or whether this has been an ongoing conversation, all of which would paint the larger picture.

“The vague response from the OP makes me certain that there is more to it. OP is also not even offering any potential reasons for why the gf is making the ultimatum. I can’t accept that they have been together for 2 years and she has no idea where the ultimatum is coming from. The intentionally vagueness, along with the friends saying she is TA makes me lean towards believing that the OP is intentionally leaving INFO is therefore the TA.”

“As a side note – I see a lot of projecting in the comments for why people are claiming the ultimatum happened. I can agree in some ways that a ultimatum alone is a reason to end the relationship but there is a lot of excess explanation that people have determined (e.g. the gf doesn’t like gaming, the gf wants all the attention on her) which the OP has never claimed. Let’s everyone try and stick with the fact that we know.”

not_really_an_elf brought up the fact that OP’s IRL friends think they’re an asshole, which indicates there is more to the story than is being told. The fact that they refused to post a picture of the collection doesn’t make them look good.

“Mate, I bet the reason people you know irl are telling you you’re an arsehole is because they’ve seen your collection. Post pictures or describe exactly how much space they take up.”

PolitenessPolice echoed the call for more info, because the omissions seem purposeful.

“INFO

I refuse to believe that’s all there is to this, people don’t just act like this unless there’s something wrong. Like, how they’re stacked, is it a hoarding problem, how much money do you spend on games, how much time do you spend playing them, etc.”

“Like, nobody acts that irrationally for no reason and especially not over bloody games. There’s got to be more. Did she give a reason? Has she ever shown any disdain for your collection previously over the years?”

DirtyPotatoPeople suspects this may be a hoarder situation, in which case the OP is the asshole in denial.

“I think it’s perfectly reasonable – depending on how big this “collection” is – to not want a big portion of your space devoted to games no one is playing. I wouldn’t have thrown out an ultimatum like that but the gf is perfectly justified in pushing for them to be put in storage or something.”

“OP is also being suspiciously vague about the whole situation, including the extent of her collection, which makes me think she’s either being dishonest or simply in denial about her hoarding habits.”

“Just sounds like a validation post to me and all the immediate jumping on board with OP because of reddit’s hate of anti-video-game anything makes me sad because I honestly don’t think what she’s collecting is the issue here.”

 

The real question left at hand is what do YOU dear reader, think of this situation?!

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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Murder Mystery Weekend – Chapter 33

https://lapetitemort17.wordpress.com/?p=326

 

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Murder Mystery Weekend – Chapter 25

– “What? Is that allowed?” I asked.

– “They’re pirates, Colin. And so are you. Stay here.” With that, Teresa left the room. She returned a few minutes later to tell me that I was off the hook. “For now.” she added.

It was time to start preparing dinner. Since the threat of rain seemed to have receded, we decided to fire up the barbecue. Steaks were on the menu tonight, with corn on the cob, baked potatoes and all the fixings.

I made sure to stay in a group at all times. Safety in numbers, and all that. While I did, I noticed much more. Craig and Claire seemed to be looking each other’s way quite a bit. Sometimes, one of them would catch the other looking, and then both of them would blush. It was really cute. Ben and Barb were exchanging lingering looks as well. But in their case, I couldn’t tell if it was game-related, or more private dealings.

Leo also noticed the target of his sister’s attention. “Good for her.” he said.

– “Amen.” I said.

– “Really?” asked Leo. “I always thought that you and Claire might hit it off some day.”

Luckily, I didn’t have anything in my mouth, so there was nothing to choke on. “Me? No. Not likely. It wouldn’t work.”

– “If you say so.” said Leo.

I left it that. I didn’t want to be He Who Doth Protest Too Much.

After dinner, I drew dish duty. Then Teresa called us all together again.

“Tonight, you have only two duty stations, at 2 bells and 4 bells. At 6 bells, you are free to go where you want, and associate with whoever you like. There is also a new clue for you.” She passed papers around again. I glanced at mine.

2 BELLS – HOLD

4 BELLS- CROW’S NEST

CLUE: Lena is not a pirate

Well, it wasn’t an earth-shattering clue, but better than nothing. Why just two more duty stations, rather than three, like last night? A certain possibility struck me, so I snuck back into the den, and retrieved my pistol. I put it in my pocket, but left the Bible under the rug.

I went downstairs, and found Eliza waiting for me. I was going to make a crack about ‘tempting trollops’, but the expression on her face killed that idea.

“What’s up?” I asked her. “Did I do something?”

– “Did you do something? Jesus, Colin! How could you not notice that Claire was interested in Craig? What were you thinking?”

– “Oh. I forgot – she told you.”

Eliza rolled her eyes. “Of course she told me – she tells me everything. Sometimes I wish she wouldn’t. But she does …”

– “Ee, I didn’t know about Craig until this morning. I swear to you: I would never do anything to screw up her chances with him. I like Craig – a lot. And you know I love Claire.”

– “Obviously.” she said.

– “No – not like that. I mean … last night just … happened.”

– “Why last night? Why Claire?” said Eliza.

– “What?” I was a bit confused. “I’m sorry – I don’t understand.”

– “Why her? Why not me?” said Eliza.

Oh, shit.

My life had just gotten significantly more complicated. “Here – let’s sit down.” I suggested. I desperately needed a few seconds to collect my thoughts. I had known for a long time that Claire was interested in me; but this was the very first time that Eliza had let anything like this slip.

– “I’m sorry.” she said. “I shouldn’t have said that. That was stupid.”

But she had said it. The cat was out of the bag, and sitting right between us. I had to address it. “Ee. Listen to me.” I said. “When I first met you and Claire, you were dating that guy Andrew, remember?”

She nodded. I went on. “I don’t hit on other guy’s girlfriends. By the time you broke up with him, things had changed. We did a few things as a foursome, you, Leo and Claire, and me.”

– “I know.” she said.

– “OK. I’m going to let you in on a closely held secret: how my mind works. I’m not sure if every male thinks this way, but I do. When I first meet a female, I decide right away if I want to have sex with her.”

Eliza couldn’t help it: she giggled.

– “I’m being serious here, Eliza.”

– “You sound like … you sound so arrogant.” she said.

– “It doesn’t mean that I will have sex with her. Just whether or not I want to. Some girls are too plain, or – let’s face it, too ugly. Some girls give off a vibe. You can tell right away: this one’s a bitch, that one’s high maintenance, and so on. I could be completely wrong, of course, but that’s the way it works. Those two categories are a simple ‘no’ in my book.”

“There’s a third type of girl that’s also a ‘no’. If she has a boyfriend, or a husband, she’s off-limits. If she’s really lovely, or has an appealing personality, she goes into a file labelled ‘Do Not Open’. And she stays there.”

 

 

https://lapetitemort17.wordpress.com/?p=310

 

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Murder Mystery Weekend – Chapter 19

https://lapetitemort17.wordpress.com/?p=294

 

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Murder Mystery Weekend – Chapter 16

We both laughed. I had spent almost all of my freshman year with a mad crush on Sheila. She resolutely kept me at arm’s length, despite the obvious attraction between us. Well, obvious to me, at least. Once I accepted her decision, we became solid friends. We could flirt, and laugh at ourselves.

“You’re good.” I said.

– “C’mon: tell me one secret. I’ll tell you one in return.”

– “Deal.” I said. This is exactly how these games work. You have to trade information to gain information. But which clue to give her? “How about this: there was a plot afoot, to rescue Redbeard.”

Sheila made a face. “Already knew that. Were you a member of Redbeard’s crew?” she asked, suddenly.

Shit – could she be the Falcon? I didn’t know whether to trust her or not. So I answered a question with a question with a question. “Are you?”

– “I asked you first. Oh, c’mon. Give me something, Colin.”

– “I know one of the letters in the code for the treasure map.” I said.

– “So do I.” she admitted. “But I’m not sure if I’m ready to trade that.”

– “OK.” I told her. “Here you go: The Falcon is aboard. One of Redbeard’s old lieutenants.”

Sheila mulled that over for a moment. “That’s fair. Are you the Falcon?”

– “No. Are you?”

– “No.” she laughed. “All right, you actually gave me something. Not much, but something. You can have this in return: the Scar is also aboard.”

I decided to play dumb. “Who is the Scar?”

– “You don’t know? The Scar is another of Redbeard’s lieutenants.” she said.

– “Oh. So we have a ship full of his former crew. Are you the Scar?” I asked.

– “That’s a separate question.” she replied, with a grin. “What will give me for the answer?”

– “A kiss?” What the hell; it was worth a shot.

Sheila laughed. “Nice try. You can get me a drink, though.” She held up her empty wine glass.

– “Am I allowed to go upstairs yet? I don’t think it’s been half an hour yet.”

– “So crack open another bottle.” she said. “They’re right behind you.”

We drank some more, and she fenced with me, alternating between flirty and coy. We also discussed the other players, and aired our suspicions of who was the most likely murderer. After a while, I decided to gamble. I showed her the pirate recognition signal.

– “What is that for?” she asked, intrigued.

– “The recognition signal for Redbeard’s crew. It’s how they’ll know each other.”

– “So you’re one of them?” said Sheila.

– “Craig showed it to me earlier, and told me what it was.” I answered. This way, Sheila could not be sure: she might think that I was not a pirate. But I could tell that she was very pleased with that piece of information. For one thing, she asked me to show her the signal again.

– “Alright, then. I’ll give you something in exchange.” she said. “If you’re looking for the treasure, there are twelve letters to find.”

That was very useful. I had assumed that since I had one letter, that everyone else had one, too. Eleven of us. So there was an extra letter.

– “You still don’t want to trade letters.” I asked.

– “Not yet, Colin. I still don’t know whose side you’re on. But if I want to trade, I’ll find you.”

Both of us were caught by surprise when we heard the bell ring. Four times.

– “That was an hour?” I said.

– “An hour well spent.” said Sheila. She gave me a kiss on the cheek. Then we went off to our next stations. I was supposed to be in the crow’s nest – the deck outside the kitchen, overlooking the patio.

 

https://lapetitemort17.wordpress.com/?p=288

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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Murder Mystery Weekend – Chapter 14

Just then I saw Lena come out onto the patio. She looked around rather hesitantly. Mindful of Teresa’s request, I decided to be polite.

– “Your costume is wonderful.” I said. “You look very exotic.” From the expression on her face, I don’t think she understood me. Keep it simple, stupid, I reminded myself. There was no internet service at the cottage, or I might have tried to find an online English-Slovenian dictionary. Lena was smiling at me tentatively, a drink in one hand, and a piece of paper in the other.

– “Why do you have a paper?” I asked her.

– “Ah. My instructions.” she said.

– “Really? You must be the only one who still has them. Did Teresa forget to take them from you?”

Lena shook her head. “No. Teresa give them to me.” She showed me the paper. I needn’t have worried about sneaking a peek at her secrets; they were written in Slovenian. I think.

– “What does your language sound like, Lena? Can you say something for me?”

– “What I should say?” she asked.

– “Anything. Read me your instructions – I won’t understand anything, anyway.”

Lena smiled, and started reading. It was quite funny, really. Lena read slowly, and enunciated very clearly, as if there was a chance that I might understand. I did catch ‘piratsko’ more than once – but that was about it. She did have a lovely voice, though. And while I watched her, I decided that her face was quite beautiful. But she was so damned tall!

I excused myself a few minutes later, and went inside to get a couple of beers. I ran into Craig coming up the stairs, with a beer in each hand. On impulse, I gave him the pirate recognition signal. His face lit up. Craig tucked one of the beer bottles under his arm, and placed three fingers against his earlobe. Only then did he look around to see if anyone was observing us.

– “You too?” he asked. Then he lowered his voice to a whisper. “You here to rescue Redbeard?”

I wasn’t expecting that, but I responded fairly quickly. “Depends. Nice to know I’m not alone. But we’ll need some weapons to pull it off.”

– “You’re right.” he agreed. “I’ll let you know if I come across any. You’ll do the same?”

– “Absolutely.” I said. Nice to know. Unless Craig was a far more accomplished liar than he appeared to be, he had just told me that he didn’t have a weapon.

I returned to the patio and handed Leo a beer. Teresa was there.

– “Colin, could you do me a favor?” she asked. “Would you go downstairs for me? There’s a red cooler down there, next to the pool table. Could you fill it with beer, and some of those vodka drinks? There are a couple of bags of ice in the freezer. It’ll be more convenient to have some of the drinks up here.”

– “As you wish.”

I picked up the cooler and headed back in. I was just beginning to go down the stairs when Eliza appeared at the foot of the staircase, with a bottle of wine in each hand.. I backed up, and told her to come ahead. There was no way I was going to be able to pass her on the stairs with this cooler.

I will admit that I looked down her blouse as she came up. Mother of Mercy … I was going to need to put some of the ice in my pants, to reduce the swelling.

We ate a great meal out on the patio, and admired each other’s costumes. The conversation and the booze flowed freely. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. When we were finished eating, Teresa assigned galley duty to Ben, Sheila, Eric and Claire – they had to clean up and do the dishes. We would all get a turn or two, so no one complained.

 

https://lapetitemort17.wordpress.com/?p=276

 

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