Cucumbers!! who the heck knew?? — Sensuality, Sex & Something else

So Wednesday finally gets here! It is so difficult to concentrate on anything other than the fact that I am going to have sex tonight. I end up leaving work a couple of hours early, mainly because I cannot concentrate, but also who wouldn’t appreciate a little extra time to get ready for a date. […]

via Cucumbers!! who the heck knew?? — Sensuality, Sex & Something else

 

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Tales of Rock – Slash Filled His House With Nearly 100 What…?

In an industry where cocaine and heroin should be receiving royalties for their contribution to rock history, it’s hard to consider drugs as a wild vice. Fortunately, Slash had the answer: a Raiders Of The Lost Ark-worthy fortress of snakes.

Using the proceeds from a hard career of standing on stage and playing guitar while dressed as someone’s mad aunt, Slash turned his mansion into the Reptile Room. As one interviewer discovered, there were cages in the walls, cages on the stairway landing, and a cage containing a 22-foot-long python underneath the stairs. There was even a room that was specially converted into a python house containing water features, tiling, and greenery. Yes, even the pets of rock stars live better than most college students.

Perhaps because his snakes could see the future, one of them attempted to eat Axl Rose. As Slash recounted, while he and Axl were living together, Axl awoke one night to find a reticulated python staring at his head and, presumably, deciding whether or not it wanted to remove Axl’s headband before swallowing his head. After an hour of watching Axl’s pile of fear-poop grow to ceiling height, Slash locked the snake away.

Sadly, several years ago, Slash got rid of his 80-strong collection of snakes, owing to the (understandable) worry that they might be dangerous for his newborn son to be around.

 

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Crazy Dating Stories: Gabriella – 2016 – Sweet as Sugar

I matched with Gabriella on OkCupid. She’s a really cute blonde teenage girl. (I like saying that because it sounds lurid.) I’m always a little suspicious when the match seems a little too good to be true. Also, if the girl is very young. Normally that’s a red flag. But Phicklephilly isn’t going to write itself and I need content to keep it rolling. So I’m ready for anything, good or bad, to get a story out of it.

Let’s check out her profile:

Gabby

19 – Philadelphia, PA

Straight, Woman, Single

My Self-Summary

My name’s Gabriella, you can call me Gabby if you’d like. I am on here because I am looking for something real and very long term. I am growing up fast and I am loving it. I live life to the fullest extent.

Some of my likes:

Art, Music, Poetry, Reading, Hanging with Friends, Being a Social Butterfly.

I would like to find a man that knows how to treat a lady. I am currently working. I am taking a year off from school to figure out what I want to do.

I have never dated an older man before, but that is my preference, mainly because I am attracted to maturity and security. No I am not after your money. I want to get to know you and I would like you to want to get to know me too.

Don’t hit me up if:

You’re a pervert, or say pick up lines, you will not get a response.

Thank you kindly.

 

That’s her profile. There are two cute pics of her lovely face. It’s like a pervert’s wet dream. Also…if you’re a pervert, is it something you’d readily own up to and not reach out to a pretty girl on a dating site? I can imagine the guy going, ‘Wow. She’s adorable. Looking for a sweet older gentleman to spend time with… whoops! I’m a pervert. Darn it, I can’t reach out to her now.

Anyway, unless I’ve matched with some old monster or a woman that look like an old guy in a fright wig, I’ll say hello.

But before I can do that Gabby already does this:

“Hi”

“Hi Gabby.”

“What’s up?”

“How are you dear. What prompted you to swipe right on my profile?”

“Just seeing what’s up I guess.”

“Would you like to meet? I know some good lunch spots or we could meet for a drink. Whatever you’re comfortable with.”

“I would like that.”

“May I have your number? Then we can figure out what times and days work best to meet up.”

“(Provides her number)

“Thank you!”

(I provide my number and create a profile for her in my list of phone contacts and add a photo. I simply call her “Gabriella OkCupid.” I text her to keep the conversation going.

“Hi Gabby. What days and times are you free?”

“I’m not to sure yet lol. Probably next weekend.”

“No worries.”

“What did you have in mind?”

“Well it’s a Saturday, I was thinking we could stroll the art museum and get to know one another. Then get a bite to eat if you wanted.”

“That would be neat. I’d like that. Where are you from by the way?”

“I live in Rittenhouse. You?”

“King of Prussia.”

“Ok. Not too far.”

“What do you do for fun?”

“Hang with friends, write, explore the city, enjoy the arts.”

“Nice! I like those things too. I’d like to travel and see the world one day.”

“Travel is great. It’s so broadening to learn that the world is a bigger package than most can perceive.”

“Yes. I’d like to travel somewhere interesting like India.”

“India would be amazing. I’ve never been, but I know several people who have and they said it was quite the experience.”

“Cool!”

“In your profile you said you were taking some time off from school. What is your course of study?”

“Marketing currently.”

“Cool. I have a friend who just got a good position with a marketing company. Are you working in marketing now to get more experience?”

“I’m a waitress now. Does your friend need an intern?”

“Noble work and not easy to do. I’ll ask her!”

“That would be sweet!”

“I’ll do what I can. I have lots of contacts in the city.”

“Nice haha That’s always good.”

“What are you up to today. Working?”

“Yeah I got work later. Sucks. I wish we could have hung out today. But next Saturday I’m free all day and all night.”

“Life is what it is. Let’s shoot for museum day next Saturday, Gabby!”

“And after?”

“I guess we could get some food and drinks if you’d like.”

“Wooohooooo!! Haha”

It’ll be fun. I’m looking forward to meeting you.”

Yes. You too.

 

The conversation ends there. So if you see another entry in the next week or so you’ll know that we either spoke again and it fell through, or we went to the museum and it was on.

I am actually hoping that we go out. If she’s the real deal and goes through with it today. I love getting all of the looks from women my age. That scorn in their eyes. Me out with the little tart. I’m a cradle robber and a dirty old man. It’s so fun.

Even if in the rare case that she’s legit, I’d be happy just to hang out with her on occasion like I do with little Emily. (See: Emily 2016 to Present – Pretend Sugar Baby) As much as I come off like I’m the Dark Lord, it’s all just an act. I’m a nice guy who’s a dad and respects and loves all women. I’d be happy to be a mentor to her if nothing else. There’s enough bad guys in the world. I may be fickle, but I’m for real.

Until next time!

 

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Sun Stories – Athena – 2017 – Sun Luvin’ Lady – Part 2

“Her nipples are as hard as bullets and pushing against through her orange top. I love her more now.”

Two days later, I was working on a Saturday for Trish.  (See: Trish 2012 to Present – The She Wolf) Normally I never work on a Saturday, and Friday I had worked open to close, but my buddy Johnny (See: Johnny R. 2011 to Present – Needle in the Groove) wasn’t able to come into the city for the South Street Spring Festival this year. We usually go to that every year and day drink our faces off, and then watch the Kentucky Derby at Twisted Tail, and do shots of bourbon. Then probably go to the Gold Club for vice.

But I send him the event and he tells me he has to attend his nieces’ graduation from college. Who has to do that? I didn’t ever get to see my nieces an nephews graduations. I didn’t want to. They’re great kids, but let my sister and brother-in-law suck that up. They paid for it. I’m just glad the kids grew up right. I don’t need to go there. But I’m sure there is some obligatory attendance in his family. Whatever.

I was talking to Trish, who is fed up with working Saturdays anyway, and told her I’d do it if she wanted the time off. She leaped at that and proceeded to go out to a nightclub with her hot friends.

I came in early and ran my weekend ritual. Go out to breakfast somewhere and then go to Wawa and pick up food to graze on all day. I’ll be fine. I like to work.

I’m running the program and it’s a gentle Saturday. I’m not getting killed, and the clients are sweet and steady.

I’m standing there at one of the computers writing a blog about a homeless guy I know who I like, and then suddenly Athena appears.

“Hi! What’s my name?” she says as she marches up to the counter.

I am so happy to see her. I didn’t think I’d ever see her again.  “You’re Athena Tran.”

“Yes! how are you?”

“I’m good!”

I am so happy to see her without Jan, because she’s my favorite. I have no idea why she has somehow appeared before me.

“I love the tanning thing!”

“Well, you look great.”

“I know, right? I love it!”

Athena is wearing a tight orange lycra top and black lycra leggings and running shoes.  She looks lovely.

“What brings you to me, Athena without Jan today?”

“I want another 5 pack. I’m going to tan more.”

“Okay. We can do that. Thanks for coming back to us.”

I’m super happy to see her.

“Yea, I love tanning and I want to keep going.”

“How is your Saturday going?”

“It’s going great! I’ve just been running all over the city.”

I see that her nipples are as hard as bullets and pushing against through her orange top. I love her more now. I’m a leg man but nipples jutting through a garment are number two for me.  They are glorious. She seems oblivious and I can’t help but enjoy. She’s the sweetest thing but her nipples look like pretzel bites that are begging to be devoured.  I love that she’s taking time to talk to me and I ask her about date number three with fucking asshole.

I wish I was that date. I would have treated her like a queen and romanced her appropriately, and if she felt like sex we could have celebrated at the bat cave.

Her nipples were so hard and prominent that I can’t believe she can’t  see the shadows on the counter and cover those finger long nips up.

She tells me that the date was nice and she got really drunk.  I thought at that moment she had parted her caramel thighs and this Romeo split her like a ripe melon. (It’s a dating blog. I’m trying to bring the most out of it that I can)  They are like rock hard bullets.  I love her even more now.  This is classic phicklephilly. The best stuff on here is unrequited love. Watching me fail and get up again is what I do. But I love this bird and I’ll do my best by her even if I am just a mentor.

Can she just turn off those glorious nipples for a second so I can focus?  No dice. I send Athena into a stand up bed imagining those award-winning nipples being grazed by 230 watts of sunlight. I hate my life.  I’m a little ashamed by my feelings for this lovely girl, but she has already told me that she is a sexual being. I hope Christmas plays out for her and date number three guy, but she has to find her way. I would take good care of her and meet her needs and any anxiety about any of that has already been paid.  Are her nipples pissed off at me? It’s like they’re trying to rip through her top. After her conversation with me about sex, and about when to do it has lit me up. I want to be with her. She’s a great girl. None of this is going to happen, but it’s fun to dream.  Athena got plowed with alcohol on her third date with her boy and I just figured her thighs went their separate ways.  But she said no.  She said she read him the drunken riot act and told him that her virtue has value and she won’t give it up and wants to get to know him.  I rejoiced in his information. I don’t want my little Athena to be turned into a stupid second date whore. Big step! I do feel sorry that she released her gold too early to worthless boys. but now she’ll cherish her maidenhood and hopefully be a bit more respectful of her virtue. Where the fuck was her dad through all of this?  Fathers make or break a family. If dad blows it with his daughters it’s a huge mistake.

The next time she came in she told me she had sex with her guy. She said they aren’t boyfriend and girlfriend but they are exclusive. (What the fuck?) So she gave up her horny gold to this guy in a little over two weeks.

Hope he makes it.

 

Update: Apparently he has made it and things are going well between them. She thanks me for all of my solid advice. (Shouldn’t her parents have taught her all of this?) She tells me that she’s reading a book called, “Why Men Marry Bitches.” She says it’s a handbook for “good girls” to navigate the world.

Whatever.

Update 2: I heard from her friend Jen that Athena has left the hospital she was working in and is going back to South Korea with her mother! So I’m sure it’s done with the boyfriend. Why would anyone ever want to go back to South Korea?

So the Athena story ends right here. Maybe I’ll have Jen tell her that I was her secret admirer!

 

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Sun Stories – Athena – 2017 – Sun Luvin’ Lady – Part 1

“What date is appropriate to have sex on?”

I wanted to say, “The one I take you on tonight.” But I didn’t.

I was working at the salon when I met Athena.  There was another Asian girl that worked at a local hospital that came in here that was very sweet. Her name was Jan. We took good care of her so she brought in her friend Athena the next time she came in.

Athena is a cute 24 year old Korean girl that works in fundraising at the same hospital. She’s an administrative assistant to the Medicine Department, and joined the Office of Institutional Advancement in 2015. She earned a Bachelor of Arts in strategic communication with a concentration in public relations from Temple University.

I immediately took a liking to Athena. She was very sweet and nice to talk to. She bought a 5 package of tans just to try it out.

The first time she came in she was wearing a baseball cap and a striped shirt and I think sweat pants. Just a your basic outfit. We take photos of all new clients for identification. I do this thing where if it’s a guy or the girl isn’t hot I just take the photo when they’re filling out the consent paperwork.  They’re normally not even looking at the camera and don’t even know we’re taking their picture.

But if the girl is cute, I’ll say “Look here.” and tap the camera and they always pose and smile. I just like the idea of making a cute girl stop and smile for my camera. Athena is cute, but we were busy and I just sort of half did it.

I chatted with her and Jan a little bit and talked about tanning. I think more Asian girls are doing it now. I kind of don’t know why. Asian women have lovely creamy colored skin to begin with.

The next time I saw Athena she came in with Jan they were all dressed up. Some time had passed and Athena was very tan and looked even more beautiful to me. She wore a black blouse with a pretty ornate necklace. Her skirt was black and white and very full. Like one of those kinds that would fan out if she twirled. The hemline was conservative and fell mid calf.

I complimented her on how pretty she looked and how gorgeous her tan was.  I told her how different she looked from the day she came in. I told her to come look at the photo of her on our system. She was like, “Oh my God I look so frumpy in that cap!”

“No you don’t. You were just being casual. Do you want to do a re-do?”

“Can I do that?”

“I only do that for the girls I think are pretty and that I like.”

“Take my picture!”

“We’ll call this the “After” photo.”

She giggles and smiles pretty for the camera and I tell her to hold still and snap the photo. I invite her around the counter to see it.

“Oh much better!. Thank you.”

“Why all dressed up tonight?”

“I’m going on a date.”

“Oh nice!” (jealous)

“Where did you meet him?”

“Tinder.”

“Oh cool.” (jealous)

“Yea, third date.”

“Oh so it must be going well. He must be nice.” (I hate this asshole)

“Yea. Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“What date is appropriate to have sex on?”

I wanted to say, “The one I take you on tonight.” But I didn’t.

“Well certainly not the third date! That’s a crazy myth. Sex should be a celebration between two people that love each other and want to celebrate that love by sharing their sole and most precious possession.” (Bold faced lie)

“Well women want it like men do.”

“You should wait. You should never just give it up too early. Christmas is awesome because you have to wait all year long for it, That’s why it’s so great when you’re a kid.”

“That’s funny!”

“You’re the woman. You have what a man wants. Make him work for it, be a gentleman, and give it time to see if you two are a good match before considering giving up your gold.”

“You’re right. I’ve had sex with guys on the second date and they never called me up again.”

(God, I wish I were on a second date with Athena right now.) I’m shocked she’s telling me all this and Summer is over at the counter listening to all of this thinking the chick is just an idiot. I’m just finding Athena more attractive now that she’s talking about her sexual desire.

Come on, I write a dating blog. I love this shit.

Athena is a Scorpio. Now I know that doesn’t mean much but I thought I’d add this for some added color.

What it’s Like to Date a Scorpio Woman:

Scorpio woman is very emotional, very demanding and very demonstrative. She is full of flair and intrigue, a fascinating woman that the strong A-type personality male will adore, for she presents the right amount of challenge with the right amount of rewards. The Scorpio woman is the ultimate seductive, flirtatious woman. She won’t give a man her heart very easily because she is weary of trusting another person. The man will have to go through a series of ‘mental testes’ in order for the relationship to get solid and close. She may not show it, but she wants a close committed relationship. Ion order for this, the man has to be trusted, has to be affectionate and never try to control her. She is very possessive but the Scorpio woman is so full of mystery, sensuality and passion that most men do not mind being possessed by her.

Scorpio Erogenous Zone:

The genitals are everybody’s erogenous zone but since the Scorpio is the most sexually charged of all zodiac signs, the genitals are extremely sensitive and will ignite a passionate fire that cannot be extinguished. Stroke and caress these areas lightly. There is no wrong way to stimulate this area, but be gentle.

Sex With Scorpio:

Sex with Scorpio is a total emotional and physical experience with passion and intensity. They have amazing stamina and can last all night long, round after round. Scorpio is the zodiac sign that is the most likely to act out a sexual fantasy. Most people will talk about it but the Scorpio will do it, they will fully throw themselves into the role. Do not suggest a fantasy to a Scorpio unless you plan to do it! Most Scorpios are direct and forceful and they seem to be an expert at what they do. They continue to seduce you even as the act continues. A thrilling experience not for the faint of heart!

Awesome, right?

So Athena and Jan leave and I realize that was Athena’s last tanning session. I may never see her again!

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish Monday through Friday at 8am EST.

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Crazy Dating Stories: Riley – 2011 – Drunk Doll

This one happened quite a few years ago…

A friend worked as a sort of concierge in a big block of apartments and he’d become acquainted with a young woman who lived there. He said she’d be ideal for me to get to know, so he introduced us. She was pretty and friendly, and I liked her, and I asked if she wanted to go out for a drink or something sometime. She said okay,  and gave me her number.

Anyway, for some reason this ended up being a Sunday afternoon date. I don’t know why, there’s very little to do in Philly on a Sunday afternoon (in first date terms anyway) and it wasn’t really what I’d had in mind, but I went along with it. I picked her up, and she looked really nice, had obviously made an effort, and at first it was all great. Strawberry blonde, and blue eyes. Legs. Lovely. Twenty year old Nicole Kidman, hot. I mean…too young but I love youthful women.

We chatted about this and that as we were walking.  At one point she made some feeble joke about some houses we were passing, and started laughing a little too loudly about it. I just put it down to nerves – I was a bit nervous too, because I really didn’t want to blow it.

We found a pub that was open and went in for a drink. I’ve never been a very heavy drinker and I was driving, (bold faced-lie)  so I just had one beer. She had a beer as well, but knocked it back in about a third of the time it took me. Then she got herself another. And another. She seemed to be holding it pretty well, but I was a bit alarmed at the quantity she was putting away, and the overly loud, slightly hysterical laughter had returned. She very rapidly went from the slightly tipsy, flirty phase, through bold, to full on drunk in the space of about thirty minutes. And she was still drinking. It really loosened her tongue.

She told me that she was trying to recover from some sort of mental breakdown which was the result of having been in a dominant sexually kinky relationship with her ex-boyfriend. Well that changed the whole tone of the day as you can imagine. I gathered this had taken place about a year ago. She got more and more morose and angry recalling what had happened to her, and started crying and raving. I was totally out of my depth and didn’t know what to do. I was obviously very sympathetic, but at the same time she became increasingly unhinged and I wondered how the hell this was going to end. She started having a go at me, because I was male, and ‘all men are the same’, etc.

The pub closed at 3pm and so we went out into the street. She looked around wildly and spotted a package store. She marched right in there and came out with a 4-pack of ‘Special Brew’ – a very strong, cheap lager. She proceeded to rip into those. I had to take charge. I half-dragged, half-pushed her back to the car and made her get in. I couldn’t get the can off her, but I did manage to lose the remainder of the pack. By this time she was so drunk, she was actually a lot more pliable and losing the aggression; almost passing out.

Thankfully I managed to get her in the car and belted in before she became a total dead weight. I drove her straight back home – it was an interminably long trip – but through most of it she was asleep, or comatose. Just as we got to her place she woke up in a daze and vomited copiously all over the inside of my car.

I managed to get her to her feet, and again dragged her in a very unsteady walk into the lobby of the apartment building I hoped my friend would be on duty but it wasn’t him, it was someone else he did shifts with. I didn’t know him, but luckily he knew the girl. I told him the gist of it, and he helped me get her into the elevator and up to her apartment. We managed to get her to find her keys and open up, then we basically dumped her on her bed. I ran around looking for all the booze I could find – I think I found a bit but less than I was expecting, and we left her alone.

I felt very sorry for her, but needless to say I didn’t call her for a second date.

 

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