I Really Wish I Didn’t Have to Date in the Age of Apps

“Dating is hard” is something I hear all the time. And I get it. Meeting a new person, trying to get through small talk, and hoping to make a lasting connection can be extremely daunting and scary. But we do it to find our person — the one we’re meant to be with and who makes us want to be better. So all the other stuff — the awkward beginnings, the swiping left and right, the bad dates — is worth it, right?

In theory, dating apps seem like the perfect solution to help with not only finding the one, but also finding the “perfect” one. You can choose whatever physical qualities and values you look for and swipe until you find it. However, I think they’ve made it even harder to find someone, let alone date them.

It’s easy to match with a lot of people, but it’s even easier to keep swiping for a “better” option rather than focusing on one person.

Yes, they provide lots of options for you to choose from, and it allows you to vet a person before actually having to go out with them, but sometimes, too many choices can be a bad thing. I personally find myself getting bored with people I match with and vice versa. It’s easy to match with a lot of people and start talking to them, but it’s even easier to keep swiping for an even “better” option rather than focusing on one person and trying to build something with them.

The first date I ever went on was with a guy I met through OkCupid, and I thought it went really well for a first date. We talked for almost three hours, flirting back and forth with one another. I didn’t mind that he didn’t kiss me at the end of it, and I started to think that dating apps maybe weren’t as bad as I thought. That is until he unmatched and ghosted me without explanation. It really messed with my self-esteem for awhile, but I eventually realized that this was part of dating in the age of apps. We can be with someone great now, but the possibility that someone better could be out there can be thrilling to some. Only, it’s detrimental in the long run. Nobody should ever settle, but always looking for more can make you miss out on something (or someone) that’s right in front of you.

I think a lot about the fact that I’m almost 24 years old and have only gone on that one real date. It makes me afraid that I’m destined to be alone. Growing up, I was never the girl guys thought to ask out. They would ask me to help them ask out my friends and that was it. I always thought I would really start to date in college and meet the love of my life, like my parents did. I was raised to be independent and comfortable in my own skin without the validation of other people, but I still couldn’t help but dream about finally meeting my person in college. But the reality is I went through all four years without going on any dates because, like a lot of others, I didn’t take risks. I missed out on connecting with some really great people because I wanted to find someone perfect, when the truth is that nobody’s perfect.

When you’re face to face with someone, yeah, you might be attracted to their physical qualities, but the emotional connection you build with that person, whether it’s instant or over time, is something no dating app can replicate. There’s something thrilling and exciting about meeting a new person for the first time without any expectations or thoughts of the other 12 people you matched with that day. Sometimes I feel like dating apps discourage us from taking those risks — saying hi to someone in a coffee shop, asking for directions on the train, or just jumping right in and asking someone out because they caught your eye — because people are so buried in their phones. But are we really living if we don’t take a leap of faith once in awhile?

Dating apps are great for a lot of people. I know people who have found their person because of them. But I just wish sometimes that dating wasn’t so consumed by them, because human connections — at least the ones I wish to have — can’t be manufactured by technology, no matter how advanced we’re able to develop it.

 

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A relationship therapist breaks down the 10 most common fights couples have

The most common fights couples have aren’t regarding infidelity or childcare.

They’re relatively trivial things, like chores and social media, according toRachel Sussman, a relationship expert and marriage counselor in New York City.

Sussman explained that the fight isn’t so much about the issue itself as it is about a lack of communication. “If you’re someone who has really poor communication skills,” she told Business Insider, “that might mean that the minute your partner brings something up, you get very defensive, or you start with the ‘tit for tat.'” Which means that “no matter what you’re arguing about, that could escalate into a really big fight.”

Sussman described 10 of the most common sources of conflict among the couples she sees — and importantly, she said, working on your communication skills is the key to resolving them all. “If you can communicate well, you can get through these issues in a way that can actually bring you closer together,” she said. “And if you can’t communicate well, it makes it so much worse and can actually tear you apart.”

Couples fight when one partner feels like they’re more committed than the other.

Couples fight when one partner feels like they're more committed than the other.Pavel Yavnik/Shutterstock

When unmarried couples come to see Sussman, they often want to talk about commitment. Typically, Sussman said, one partner feels like they’re more committed than the other. Or one partner wants to “move the relationship forward” by moving in together or getting engaged and is encountering some resistance.

If couples are fighting about household chores, Sussman said, it’s probably because “one person feels like they’re taking the lion’s share of the work.”

If couples are fighting about household chores, Sussman said, it's probably because Shutterstock

In Sussman’s experience working with heterosexual couples, that person is usually the woman. Meanwhile, she added, “I often hear the men feeling that they’re doing a lot but they don’t get credit for it. They get picked on a lot.”

In fact, American moms are spending more time in the labor force than in the past, but also more time on childcare, according to a 2019 Pew Research Center report. Moms spend 16 more hours a week on paid work than they did 50 years ago, yet four more hours a week on childcare.

Younger couples get frustrated with their partner’s overuse of social media.

Younger couples get frustrated with their partner's overuse of social media.Flickr/m01229

Sussman said she’s seen a spike in the number of complaints about a partner’s social media habits in the last five years. Typically, couples with these kinds of problems are in their 20s and 30s.

One person might complain, for example, “that their life is plastered all over social media or they think their partner is addicted to their phone.” Sussman’s also heard from people who are worried that their partner is following a ton of models on Instagram.

Another common issue? Staying in touch with an ex on social media.

Fights about money come up later in a relationship.

“It’s very normal in a couple that one person is a spender and one is a saver,” Sussman said. The problem is “you think you’re justified and the other person is at fault.” The saver might accuse the spender of being fiscally irresponsible; the spender might accuse the saver of being cheap.

Don Cloud, president and founder of Cloud Financial Inc., previously told Business Insider that he frequently works with spender/saver couples. The first step, he said, is for each partner to share their beliefs and feelings about money.

Yet Sussman said issues also tend to arise when couples move in together or get married and face the decision about whether to combine finances, a notoriously difficult choice. If they’re hesitant, “might this show that there’s a lack of trust?”

Or, fights about money might come up later. Maybe both partners worked when they started dating, but once they had kids, one partner stayed home. The partner who works might be “holding that over [the other partner’s] head,” or even engage in financial blackmail, Sussman said.

Couples fight when one partner prioritizes work over the relationship.

Couples fight when one partner prioritizes work over the relationship.Hero Images/Getty Images

“Someone might be a workaholic,” Sussman said, “or someone might be prioritizing work over relationships.”

As Michael McNulty, a master trainer from The Gottman Institute and founder of the Chicago Relationship Center, told Business Insider’s Rachel Gillett, “Having a spouse addicted to work can feel like as much of a betrayal as extramarital affair to the other spouse.”

Couples can sometimes argue over addiction.

Couples can sometimes argue over addiction.David Silverman/Getty Images

Sometimes people bring their partner to see Sussman because the partner has an alcohol problem — or at least the person perceives it that way.

As it turns out, one small study, published 2013 in the journal Couple and Family Psychology, found that substance abuse was a common “final straw” in the decision to get divorced.

After couples have children, they often argue about not spending enough time with one another anymore.

After couples have children, they often argue about not spending enough time with one another anymore.Hrecheniuk Oleksii/Shutterstock

Sussman says she sees a lot of couples with small children who aren’t finding enough time to connect with one another. Sometimes they feel “their relationship has become very transactional.”

Scientists who have studied the transition to parenting say there are three factors that help a couple maintain intimacy after having a baby:

• “Building fondness and affection for your partner”
• “Being aware of what is going on in your spouse’s life and being responsive to it”
• “Approaching problems as something you and your partner can control and solve together as a couple”

Couples fight if there is too little (or too much) sex.

Couples fight if there is too little (or too much) sex.t.germeau / Flickr (CC BY 2.0)

Sometimes one partner wants sex more than the other, Sussman said. She’s also been told that one of them is “feeling that their sex life has died.”

Bat Sheva Marcus, the sexual dysfunction specialist and clinical director of The Medical Center For Female Sexuality, previously told Business Insider about the usefulness of a “sex schedule,” which is exactly what it sounds like. “If you want to have sex, you need to schedule sex,” Marcus said, especially when both partners are busy, or when they have different desire levels. “That doesn’t make the sex any less special.”

Infidelity can be detrimental to relationships.

Infidelity can be detrimental to relationships.StockLite/Shutterstock

This is something Sussman said she sees plenty of in her practice.

While the discovery of an affair can potentially destroy a relationship, it doesn’t have to. Couples therapist Esther Perel previously told Business Insider that couples can sometimes become closer and more honest with each other in the wake of infidelity, almost as though they’re entering into another marriage.

Couples disagree over how to raise their children.

Couples disagree over how to raise their children.Areipa.lt/Shutterstock

A common parenting problem Sussman sees is that one parent is more lenient and one parent is stricter.

That’s why Carl Pickhardt, a psychologist who’s written multiple books about parenting, previously told Business Insider that the No. 1 question you and your partner should discuss before having kids is: How do you manage joint decision-making?

“If you have parents who have a hard time bridging disagreements,” Pickhardt said, “that’s probably not a great sign. They’ve got to be able to know how to communicate, and how to change, and how to make concessions, and how to compromise.”

The bottom line: If you’re arguing over and over about the same thing, it may be time to see a couples counselor.

The bottom line: If you're arguing over and over about the same thing, it may be time to see a couples counselor.‘The Break-up’/Universal Studios

“Too much bickering will wear down any relationship,” Sussman said. “I’ve heard people say, ‘This relationship ended by death by a thousand paper cuts.'”

That’s why she makes the following recommendation: “If you’re going over and over again about something and you can’t seem to create a solution, go see a couples counselor — not to solve the problem, but to learn the skill set so you can do a better job of working through these conflicts as they come up in your life.”

 

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California Dreamin’ – 1982 to 1984 – Alayna – The Phlebotomist

I went out with a phlebotomist a couple of times. On the third date I invited her to go with me to dinner at a good restaurant about 90 minutes from where we lived in L.A. I said we’d be back by 10. The unstated purpose was to see if we could have a pleasant sustained conversation, both ways and a nice dinner. Not a very high bar.

On the way there, she asked me if I did drugs. No, I replied. I said I was the squarest person she was likely to meet. She then proceeded to praise the prescription drugs she could get *for free* from the hospital where she drew blood. I have no idea if she was pulling my leg of if that’s for real with medical people (maybe someone can enlighten me). So that was strike 1.

Strike 2 came about 20 minutes later when she told me that she had connections to the Mafia. I looked at her like she was from Mars and she said, “What?” She then proceeded to tell me that her brother was a dentist and it was well known that dentists were heavily in with the Mafia and it was a profitable way to launder money. Again – no idea if it’s true. But that was strike 2.

The final strike happened in the last 15 minutes of the 90 minute trip to get to the restaurant. She proceeded to tell me that she had anger problems. I said, everyone gets angry. She replied with an example. She’d pulled into a gas station to get gas. Just as she was pulling up to a pump, a trucker came in to unload fuel to the gas station, blocking her way. She said that she got out of her car, walked up to the poor schlub and started shouting and telling him to move his effing truck.

Well that started me to thinking: She and I are out on another date and she starts yelling at a guy in a motorcycle gang. He looks at her and tells her she’s a scrawny little chicken and to buzz off. She starts yelling even more. Now – there are two likely scenarios. #1: She comes at me and starts asking if I’m going to let this oaf get away with insulting her. #2: The guy gets off his bike and walks over – not to her – but to me and says, “Buddy, get your b*tch to shut up or we’re going to have real problems.” That’s strike 3.

We had a pleasant dinner, a fairly silent drive back home. I gave her a peck on the cheek, said I was busy for the next few weeks but we could get together sometime after that. I never called nor saw her again. Hopefully, any contract her Mafia friends might have had on me has long expired. 🙂

 

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Meet The Tinder Prostitutes

Guess what these women on Tinder really mean when they say ‘80 roses an hour’? Hint: it’s got nothing to do with flowers

Sarah went on Tinder for the same reason lots of women our age do – to find out how many single guys there were in her local area and to have an easy, safe way to get in contact with them. But, unlike lots of girls, Sarah doesn’t want to find single men because she looking for a boyfriend. She doesn’t even want a no-strings hookup – at least not in the way you’d think. Unlike you’re average user, when Sarah sleeps with a guy she meets on Tinder she leaves with much more than new number in her a phone and a funny sex story to tell her mates – she leaves with a pocketful of cash. Because unlike most 24-year-old girls using Tinder, Sarah’s a prostitute and she’s using the hookup app to lure in clients.

 

‘It made so much sense – where else do you basically have a database of all the down to fuck men in your area?’

‘Tinder has at least doubled my business,’ Sarah, who had a job in a strip bar before becoming a prostitute four years ago, explains to The Debrief. ‘In the last week alone, I’ve seen 12 clients all from Tinder and have earned over £1,000. I got the idea from a friend of mine who’s also on the game. I think she actually joined Tinder to find a boyfriend or whatever, but was sent dozens of messages from guys asking for no-strings sex, threesomes or naked pictures – there was basically no romance there at all. She just thought to herself “I’m not getting anywhere using Tinder to find a bloke, why don’t I just use it to boost business?” It made so much sense – where else do you basically have a database of all the down to fuck men in your area? – and she found it so easy I thought I might as well give it a go. I just made a profile, wrote caption that made it kind of obvious what I do for a living, matched everyone who I was OK sleeping with and then waited for matches to get in contact with me. I know more and more prostitutes are cottoning on as well – it’s made my job insanely easy.’

There have been reports for some time that Tinder has been being used this way over the globe. New Mexico State Senator Jacob Candelaria specifically blasted the app in his attempt to ‘clean up’ dating websites which allow the soliciting of sex. He told KOB Eyewitness News 4, ‘Our laws can’t and don’t keep pace with technological advancement and there will always be people looking to exploit those loopholes. We’re weak. Our courts have said our pimping laws are not applicable to the internet.’

And it looks like the same thing’s happening here, but should we be surprised? The dating app’s anonymity and pure reach make it a natural fit for sex workers. If you’ve ever borrowed your male mate’s phone to ‘play’ Tinder from the other side of the fence, you’ve no doubt come across a few of the profiles yourself. In between the ordinary profiles, you’ll find one or two pictures of lingerie-clad women provactively posing for selfies. That in itself isn’t exactly unusual, but what sets these profiles apart is what the women are offering in their ‘about’ section.

I was blown away by how quick, easy and transparent it could be to buy sex over Tinder

The ‘kind of obvious’ messages that prostitutes use to distinguish themselves from other girls’ profiles are easy to spot once you know the (admittedly, not hugely subtle) code. In London, at least, they’re easily identifiable by a proclivity for using rose emojis. Descriptions I have come across when I was researching this feature include ‘[rose emoji] 80 roses for the best night of your life’, ‘90 [rose emoji] for BBBJ’ [meaning bare back blowjob – blowjobs without a condom – according to Sarah] and ‘80 roses for an hour, GFE [Sarah says this is for a girlfriend experience] [rose emoji].’ In case you still haven’t figured it out – ‘roses’ mean ‘pounds sterling’.

Using my male housemate’s Tinder account, I was able to chat to three prostitues in one day and was blown away by how quick, easy and transparent it could be to buy sex over Tinder. On all three occasions, the process was the same – match with the girl, chat to them over Tinder about what I wanted and how much they would charge and then they’d send me a mobile number to ring and an address to go to. The price ranged from £70 for an hour with, extras such as blowjobs or anal increasing the price to over £100, to £300 for the entire evening and a full ‘girlfriend experience’. I was able to negotiate these prices without leaving my sofa or even speaking to the girl and that seems to be the point – it’s remarkable how easy Tinder makes it for users to skip the chit-chat and just pay a stranger for sex – all without deviating away from their iPhone.

For Sarah, the appeal seems to be that Tinder allows her to sell sex for cash while remaining anonymous and slipping past any interference from the police. ‘I had always worked at brothels or kerb-crawled before I started using Tinder, which was a nightmare, because you’d have to deal with hassle from the police. I’ve been in a brothel once when it was raided and it’s not an experience I’d like to repeat. And being shooed away by police on street corners is fucking boring. I’ve tried Gumtree and other websites, but they’re now really hot on closing down profiles that are soliciting sex. Tinder lets me get on with it completely privately – they message me, we chat, they come round, I shag them – or sometimes even just chat because it’s not always about the sex – and then they leave. It’s not traceable.’

When anyone reports Sarah’s profile and Tinder shuts it down, all she does is make another Facebook profile and get right back on.

The laws around prostitution in England and Wales are far from simple. The act of prostitution is not in itself illegal – but there are certain laws that criminalise activities around it. Under the Sexual Offences Act 2003, it is an offence to cause or incite prostitution or control it for personal gain, and the 1956 Sexual Offences Act prohibits running a brothel and it’s against the law to loiter or solicit sex on the street. So selling sex on Tinder is not only completely within the parameters of the law, it allows these women to bypass any legal issues they might have selling sex through ‘traditional means’. No wonder Sarah finds it so appealing. For their part, Tinder is clear that such activities are against the app’s terms of service, which forbids commercial solicitation of any kind including ‘advertising or soliciting any user to buy or sell any products or services not offered by the Company’. Not that that’s had any affect on Sarah – when anyone reports her profile and Tinder shuts it down, all she does is make another Facebook profile and get right back on. It’s difficult to see how Tinder can keep on top of policing it.

So it certainly seems to be functional for Sarah, but what affect is it having on her emotionally? Using Tinder to solicit clients strips away what little face-to-face communication Sarah had with the people she’s about to have sex with so it becomes completely transactional – almost like doing a supermarket shop. Is she worried about what emotional damage she might be doing to herself? ‘Sometimes I think they forget that there’s an actual human behind the profile and there are times when it hasn’t been ideal,’ she admits. ‘People troll you a bit, but it comes with the territory and I just block them, because it’s a waste of my time. But even in person, people aren’t always very nice. When you meet with clients in the brothel or on the street, they obviously know what you look like in “real life”, but I admit that the pictures I used on my Tinder profile show me looking at my absolute best and, sometimes, the guys are disappointed with what they see when they arrive. Mainly all that people do is make a unkind joke about my appearance – which I can handle – but on one occasion someone actually left, which was obviously a bit shitty. And I do worry about my safety, but if I’m concerned, my male neighbor – who is a good mate – has a key to my house and I just text him if I feel intimidated and he gets rid of them.’

Interestingly, Sarah says that the sex she has through Tinder tends to be more ‘vanilla’ than some of the requests she had when she was working in a brothel. ‘I used to get people asking for weird stuff – one guy wanted me to wank him off into his own mouth– when I was in a brothel, but because the users on Tinder tend to be predominantly men in their twenties and thirties, they usually don’t want anything that niche. The most bizarre request I’ve had from Tinder was from a banker in his late twenties who wanted a classic sub-dom scenario and for me to urinate on him, but that’s not really a big deal to me. I got into this because I love sex and I have a really high sex drive. I get to have sex for a living and I absolutely love my job. Anyway, most of my friends on Tinder have sex with guys who then disappear off the face of the planet. The only difference between me and them is that I’m charging.’

 

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The Racist

A few years ago I’m walking down the street just finishing a conversation on my old ass, craptastic, flip phone. Just as I’m hanging up, wham, I bump into someone and drop my phone. I apologize, grab my phone, and head back to work.

Ten minutes later I get a phone call: Hey, I think we switched phones by accident.” Turns out the girl I bumped into had the same phone as me. Anyways, we plan to meet at a local coffee place after work that day to trade back. I walk up and see this very cute ginger wearing a suit dress. We chat for a bit: turns out she works at a bank, likes what I like, and is totally up for getting dinner this weekend! Great!

Saturday evening rolls around and I swing by her place to pick her up. Out her door walks a girl who looks remarkably like said date only instead of professional office clothes, she is wearing 4 inch platform ho boots, fishnet stalkings, some sorta corset like top and and spiky hair.

Now normally I don’t really care about a person’s style, but I was bit taken aback. “Who cares” I think and jump out to open the door.

Cue witty banter.

Everything is going great! Shes laughing at my jokes and her humor seems to match mine perfectly. She asks what the plan is for the night and I tell her I’m going to take her to my absolute favorite high-quality dining establishment… and get her a Big Mack. Hell, if she plays her cards right, I might even supersize it. She runs with the joke, and even one-ups me. My spirits are high. She might have wild fashion, but this chick is cool.

We arrive at this nice pub in town and I turn off the car.

“What about McDonalds?” Legit confused look on her face…

I laugh and upon seeing her face stop in confusion. We head inside and order dinner. I have a scotch and she orders the biggest boot (this restaurant has glass boots) of bud light I’ve ever seen. The waiter comes over and takes our order. As he’s leaving, my date whispers rather loudly: “I can’t believe they let his people in such a classy place. We should probably check our food for spit before we eat it.”

Our waiter is black and has ears…

So I am beginning to panic. She continues her whispered commentary on the supremacy of whites all the while putting away an obscene (but impressive) quantity of beer. Dinner arrives and she makes a point of checking her plate for saliva. Waiter and I make eye contact and I like to think that he understood that I agreed with him that this girl was nuts.

So three more boots of beer later, she excuses herself for a bathroom break while I take care of the check. I apologize profusely to the waiter for my date’s conduct. Dude is a true gentleman: “Don’t worry about it man, there are all sorts of people in this world.” My date returns and we head out.

In MY car she pulls out a cigarette and lights up. Doesn’t even bother putting the window down. “We should go shooting out at my dad’s farm! What’s your favorite fun?”

I vaguely excuse myself from such activities and point out that it is rather later and time to go home. I drop her off at her house and she says: This was great, except for that waiter. We should totally go get that Big Mac next time. See you soon!”

 

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You Will Never Find True Love Until You Learn To Accept These 11 Things

While the dating game may seem challenging, when you do come across someone that you think is THE ONE the question remains – is this really it, or another passing fling? Are you ready to settle down with that someone special? Is this your ‘happily ever after’?

Each time we turn on the television we are met with another story of a celebrity marriage that we all believe would stand the test of time falling apart. Another messy divorce gracing the tabloids. In fact, it is arguable that most couples spend more time planning their wedding day than they do their marriage!

IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN FINDING THAT ‘SPECIAL SOMEONE,’ SETTLING DOWN AND STARTING YOUR ‘HAPPILY EVER AFTER,’ YOU NEED TO START BY ACCEPTING THESE THINGS:

COMMUNICATION IS KEY

Behind all successful relationships is a foundation of healthy communication. You need to find someone with which you can keep an honest and open dialogue going about anything and everything in life. This doesn’t mean using the term ‘honesty’ as an excuse to tear one another apart. Instead, you must find someone with which you can share your fears and problems without fear of judgment.

NEVER PLAY THE VICTIM

Victim thinking will destroy even the best of relationships. The second you hand over the victim card, looking for pity and sympathy, you denounce control over your own life. The truth is that you DO have control over your life, and so long as you remember that point you can continue to move in a positive and meaningful direction, working through any challenges that are thrown your way.

TO FIND MR/MRS. RIGHT, YOU MUST FIRST BE MR/MRS. RIGHT

Relationships are a two-way street, and as much as you are looking for a certain kind of person to build your life with, so too are the people that you are meeting along the way. Look back at your former relationships and try to discover what went wrong – why didn’t they work out? It is important that you do so in a completely unbiased manner. If you find that the problem was something you had done, then it is time for you to focus on growing and developing into the partner that will attract your Mr. Right!

LIVE WITH PURPOSE

In order to stay in touch with who we truly are deep down, we must have a thorough understanding of our life’s purpose. If this is an area that you know that you need to improve – start by allowing yourself a little ‘me’ time to focus on the desires of your heart and soul. This doesn’t have to be formal meditation, but you should take the time to relax and think inwardly, reflecting on what you believe you were called to do.

MAKE SURE TO SET YOUR GOALS

Goal setting is an important step in working towards your ideal life. This includes both as an individual as well as goal setting as a couple. In order to effectively do this, you will need to have an idea of what one another is looking to get out of life. Knowing your goals will allow you to be supportive of one another.

REMEMBER THAT REAL LOVE DOESN’T HURT

Sure, every relationship will come with its ups and downs, and calling it ‘true love’ doesn’t mean you are exempt from facing challenges, however, true love is heavily focused on supporting and aiding one another in a sometimes-difficult world. When one, or both of you, face a challenge, the other should be there doing what they can to ensure that you aren’t’ facing it alone. When you stop and reflect back, true love involves more good days than bad.

PRACTICE FORGIVENESS

Everyone is going to hurt you at one time or another in your life, it is part of the human condition. If you are looking to establish a healthy, long-term relationship then you need to acknowledge that there is no place for grudges. When something comes up and you do find that you hurt one another in word or in deed, be prepared to forgive your partner and move on with life rather than wallowing in the difficult times.

ESTABLISH HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

Before entering into a long-term relationship, you need to determine where your boundaries are. Are you willing to settle down with a smoker? Do you tolerate excessive drinking? At what line do you believe criticism turns into verbal abuse? Understanding these boundaries will help you to find someone that fits into your image of the ideal relationship.

TRUE LOVE MEANS LOVING ONE ANOTHER FOR WHO YOU ARE

When you enter into a healthy, lasting relationship it isn’t to find and settle with someone you can ‘mold into’ the perfect person. True love means loving one another as we are, both the good and the bad. It means celebrating one another’s strengths and accepting our faults. If you find that someone is trying to change you, step back and reconsider the relationship.

ALWAYS BE PROACTIVE

You need to be aware of which relationships are healthy and positive, enhancing your life, and which are toxic or negative, detracting from it. Proactively ending friendships and relationships that step over your boundaries or invite negative energies into your life will leave more room for those that should be there. This will allow you to focus your time and energy on those who will help you to discover the best side of yourself.

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS

We’ve all met that person – they are capable of saying the right thing in every situation, professing their unending love over and over. True love means not only thinking/saying these things but actually acting upon them. Real relationships involve work and dedication, and you are going to have to be able to step up and do what is required to make it last!

 

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White Bustier

“She can’t even get some peace and quiet at her friend’s place as she’s also getting stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey.”

Oh man. I used to keep a diary when I was actively dating because there were some doozies. Two come to mind right away. There’s the “You’re going to be such a good father if you get me pregnant” girl, and the Sunday afternoon walk of shame.

Met this chick on Tinder. Pictures of her look great, we share a lot of mutual interests and conversation wasn’t too bad. Plan to meet for an afternoon drink and watch the ballgame at a local bar I love.

I get there a bit early, she’s almost 30 mins late. (You all know I hate that) Bartender knows exactly what’s up and we shoot the shit until she hauls her tardy ass in the door. As she arrives, bartender says “I don’t think this is going to go well” and kind of grimaces at me. I turn to see this girl walk in, makeup still on from last night, white bustier type top, tight black pants and doesn’t look like she’s slept much.

I think to myself, did she seriously just walk of shame from being out at the club last night and fucking a random right to this date? No way, but it appears as such. 30 seconds in and I knew I had no interest, but I had to see where this would go.

She got the minimal amount of attention required as I watched the ballgame, drank beer and ate lunch. She sipped on water and had a few bites of fries. Cut to the chase, she serenades me with the tale of last night, how she was out, came home, couldn’t sleep because her ex-boyfriend (who moved out, to the apartment DIRECTLY above her in the same building) has been banging chicks almost every night and makes it a point to race the bed across the room while doing it. A true assertion of dominance by him, she just can’t take it. So, she apparently went to her friend’s place where she has keys. Went there, crashed on her couch without waking said friend. Wakes up to her friend’s shower running in the morning. Thinks nothing of it until a strange man she doesn’t know walks buck-ass-naked into the living room with his twig-n-berries hanging in all it’s glory. Turns out her friend was also banging a random last night.

Now keep in mind I really couldn’t care less at this point… I tell her there’s a lot of bangin’ going on, where’s her tales of coitus? She begins to break down, how everyone is getting laid except her, she has to listen to her very recent ex-boyfriend taking chicks to the meat market upstairs, and she can’t even get some peace and quiet at her friend’s place as she’s also getting stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey.

That’s when I notice the tattoo on her arm. In shitty cursive is the name “Liam”. I just ask “Is his name Liam by chance”? She looks flabbergasted that I just guessed it and asks if I know him or something. “No, not really, but I seem to have a good understanding of who he is”.. I point to her arm and she just looks down in shame.

Ended up walking her to her car, gave her a pity hug and told her she seemed like a nice girl, but she should probably take some time before hitting the dating scene. She wrote me later that day and thanked me for being so nice and she was sorry she was such a mess. I wished her well.

She came up on a “People you may know” Facebook suggestion a few months back. Doesn’t look like she’s doing much better, sadly. Poor girl.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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