Why Guys Check Out Other Women – and How to Handle It

According to science.

It’s understandably upsetting when your boyfriend or husband checks out other women right in front of you. You might even find yourself wondering, “Does he really love me? He has me, so why does he need to look anyone else?”

The fact of the matter is that his wandering eye and your frustration with it probably has far more to do with some simple differences between men and women than it does his feelings for you.

For example, my significant other and I were walking hand-in-hand at the mall one afternoon when a beautiful woman approached. Without consciously thinking about it, I checked her out, casually turning my head as she passed, and trying to play it off cool so I wouldn’t get caught.

Fat chance! Yet, what happened next blew me away.

Instead of feeling a jab to my ribs, my partner remarked, “That woman was very attractive, wasn’t she?”

My jaw almost hit the ground, and I had to clarify, “What did you say?”

“That woman was attractive, don’t you think?” she repeated.

My attention was instantly focused back on my sweetie, and I found myself wanting to hug the woman I loved and plant a big, fat kiss on her — right there in front of Nordstrom.

Did she really think the woman I’d been checking out was attractive? I have no clue. But what I know is that because my significant other didn’t make me feel like a criminal, I wanted to immediately find a place to make love to her.

All my energy transferred back to the love of my life in a matter of seconds, and I felt closer than ever to her.

I think the take-away from this scenario serves up a valuable lesson to women everywhere.

The fact is that most men check out other women, but it doesn’t mean we want to have sex with them; nor is looking at them meant to disrespect you.

So, why do guys check out every girl they see? We simply can’t help it — and here’s why:

1. Blame it on our noggins

As Louann Brizendine, M.D. explains it, one of the most glaring differences between the male and female brain “is that men have a sexual pursuit area that is 2.5 times larger than the one in the female brain.”

Just as cavemen sought out multiple mating partners so they could produce as many offspring as possible, she states, the brain of the modern-day male (even a happily hitched one) is more or less programmed to always be on the lookout for a fertile mate.

Not to say that men intend to physically pursue any visual enticement they encounter, but there is still a deep-seated need to “check out the goods.”

2. Testosterone plays a big role, too

Pranjal Mehta, a social psychologist at Columbia University in New York, says that, on average, “guys have six times the amount surging through their veins as women.”

He and fellow researchers also found that “testosterone impairs the impulse-control region of the brain.”

In other words, most guys likely look before they think.

3. Visual creatures that we are, there’s also the “eye candy” factor

Another study, conducted by researchers at the University of Stirling and the University of Glasgow found, that while women tend to feel attracted to familiar faces, men are more turned on by someone they’ve never seen before.

I personally believe this “novelty” theory holds true for men with objects, as well as women.

The next time you catch your man turning his head to get a better look at a hot chick, ask yourself this: “Would you get on his case for checking out a cool new car that just drove by?”

I didn’t think so.

So, what should you do when your guy notices an attractive woman?

  • Avoid making him feel like he’s done something wrong.

As tempting as it might be, resist jabbing your elbow in his side, shooting him an icy stare, giving him the silent treatment, or even making snide remarks about the woman he’s admired. These behaviors scream insecurity and could quickly lead to an unnecessary argument.

  • Ignore it, since it’s likely fleeting.

As Dr. Brizendine puts it, “Men look at attractive women the way we look at pretty butterflies. They catch the male brain’s attention for a second, but then they flit out of his mind.”

  • Better yet, acknowledge and draw his attention to it in a playful, loving way.

Then, watch how quickly he shifts his focus back to you!

Above all, remember that he is with you because he loves you.

The sexy, beautiful, or classy woman he’s just checked out can’t even begin to compete with the bond you’ve already established with him. And the emotional connection he has with you is way deeper than a quick look directed toward another woman.

Also, keep in mind that this isn’t just a guy thing.

Studies show that women check men out, too. But, since you have peripheral vision that’s far superior to ours (meaning you don’t have to turn your head to give a hot guy the once over), you rarely get caught.

Just saying.

 

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22 Signs a Married Man is Flirting with You

He is married, charismatic and matured. And these signs indicate that he is flirting with you.

We all know men flirt, but don’t we at times wonder why do married men flirt? Every time a man, who is married already with a family, flirts with a woman she feels lost. She struggles to diagnose his reason and nature of attention. Is he unhappy? Is she provocative? Is it the chase or she simply looks easy to land in bed with? Is he genuine? While every human loves attention, when it comes to married men being very nice to members of opposite sex, it could mean something else. There is a thin line between him being nice and helpful to you, and flirting with you in a way that you don’t even realize being carried away.

Why complicate your life by becoming involved with a married man? He is already committed to another person and has made a promise to love his wife forever. But now he is breaking the promise by showing interest in you. He is lying to his spouse and breaching her trust. Don’t you think he will repeat the same behavior when he is in a relationship with you in the future? Think about all this carefully before reciprocating.

This married man flirting with you could be anyone in your life: he might be your work colleague or boss; he might be your neighbor or the parent of the kids you tutor. No matter how much attention he gives, you have to stand firmly and avoid getting trapped in this tricky relation. Knowing whether the married man is flirting or just being nice will help you understand how to deal with him and how to act around him.

Why do married men flirt?

For a majority of married men, flirting is just a pastime – more to feed their desire of being wanted. In any way, flirting is always an indication of a dishonest behavior, shaking the very foundation of a committed married life. Married men flirt for diverse reasons, and not always to have sex. They just want to see how attractive they are even after marriage. They want to boost their self-esteem and confidence. Some of them might be bored of their present married life, so they want variety and spice in their life. Some may want sex, while some may just flirt harmlessly to gain attention and be popular among the women. However, there might be a few married men who genuinely get attracted to another girl and flirt to develop a relationship with her.

man flirting

How to tell if a married man is attracted to you?

It is essential that you be sure of the fact that the married man is attracted to you. So that with this piece of information, you will be able to decide wisely whether you want to actually develop a relationship with him or set a limit to the interaction you have with him. The choice is ultimately up to you.

Sometimes married men just flirt with single women without crossing the line to infidelity. When it comes to flirting, actions speak louder than words. Here are certain flirting body language signs which you can look for to know what is actually going on in his mind and heart.

  • He will stare at you most of the time, hold your gaze and even look embarrassed if you notice him staring at you
  • Whenever he talks to you or vice versa, his body will be turned towards you
  • He may position himself in such a way that he looks taller than you and you get the impression of him being stronger
  • The married man will keep fidgeting unconsciously or consciously, when he is talking to you
  • He will always maintain eye contact with you
  • He may touch his hair and blink more when talking to you. In a group setting, he may fix his gaze on you again and again indicating his interest
  • He will always try to touch you to show his affection
  • The married man might also try to mirror every move that you make

These are just a few of the body language signs which might help you. However, if you are interested in other signs then please read on.

22 signs married man is flirting with you

Married men often know how to charm other women, even though their wives keep on cribbing for their attention. So how do you know and differentiate between someone nice and someone looking for an opportunity? Getting to know about the true intentions of a married man will allow you to escape a complicated relation and explore other eligible options out there. Therefore, pay heed to the following 22 signs a married man likes you more than a friend, so that appropriate action can be taken.

1. He will make excuses to be around you

Even if he has nothing to do with you, he will just try to spend as much time around you as possible. It could be helping you, or taking help from you. He may befriend your friends so that he can get into your inner circle.

2. He will always initiate conversations with you

You will notice he always talks to you politely, asking you how the day is going and what your plans are for the weekend. Married men often initiate conversations, as it is the only way in which they will get to flirt with you and know you better.

3. He will get too personal while talking to you

If a married man talks to you about your interests, family, etc. in general as a courtesy, then it is okay. But if he gets overtly interested in your personal life, then you can predict that he is interested in you.

man saying in ears

4. Your dating life will become his topic of interest

On a regular basis, he will try to ask about your dating life and whether you like anyone or not. If you have a boyfriend then he will probably be interested in how you two spend time together and so on.

5. He will compliment you frequently

A married man who is flirting with you will make it a point to praise you as and when possible. He will keep complimenting your smile, your dressing style, and your personality, etc. just to make you happy.

6. He will be humorous around you

His jokes will be aimed at making you laugh so that you are charmed by him. These jokes will be personal and you will get an idea that he is trying to flirt with you using those jokes.

7. He will laugh and attentively listen to what you have to say

There will always be a smile on his face while talking to you and he will be really attentive while listening to you. This shows that he genuinely is interested in you.

8. Texting you on a daily basis will become his habit

He will text you to know what you are doing, where you are and when will you meet him. Also he might send texts with hidden messages of love for you.

9. Your social media profile will be flooded with his comments and likes

Through comments and likes on your photos and posts on social media websites, the married man will try to subtly flirt with you so that others do not notice it.

10. He will keep gifting you things

The office flirting married man might give you a specially customized pen or key chain, anything to show you that he is thinking about you.

man giving gifts

11. He will never wear his ring when you are around

Whenever he meets, you will notice that his wedding ring is gone. By not wearing his ring when you are around, he is actually inviting you to develop a relationship with him.

12. He will change his attitude towards you in front of his wife

In front of his better half, he will act distant and show less warmth towards you. He will change the tone of his voice as well, so that his wife does not catch him flirting with you.

13. The married man will keep inviting you for dinners and luncheons

In this way, he will make sure that he can keep in touch with you and have you around him at all times. He will even suggest taking you out for lunch, snacks or dinner as and when you have free time.

14. He will value your likes and dislikes

Through his conversations with you, he will try to know your likes and dislikes. After that, he will present himself in such a way that he becomes compatible with you.

15. He will get jealous pretty easily

Since he is married and not able to commit to you openly, he will get extremely jealous if anyone else approaches you romantically.

16. Complains about his married life in front of you

If the married man happens to sulk over his married life and tells you about all his married life issues then it means he likes you.

17. His behavior is different when he is alone with you and when he is in public

Publicly, he will act all professional and cool with you. But privately when he meets you when you are alone, he will try to be touchy-feely and extra sweet.

18. He will keep checking you out

Whether you are available for a relationship or not, the married man who wants to flirt with you will keep checking you out and stare at you when you are not looking.

19. He will make you run errands for him

Just the thought of you doing something for him will give him enough satisfaction. He will ask you for favors in such a charming way that you will not be able to refuse.

20. He will try to impress you with his looks

Obviously, the married man knows that his competitors are the single eligible bachelors in the dating world. So he will keep trying to impress you with his looks and outward appearance.

21. He will get nervous around you most of the time

As he wants to avoid doing or saying something that might upset you, he will be very careful and nervous around you. He will take utmost care to avoid any talks about his family when you are around.

22. To a certain extent you will not be comfortable around him

As a girl, you will understand when he is trying to flirt with you. A sense of uneasiness may set in and you may not find his presence around pleasing. So, visibly you will not be comfortable around him.

How to handle a married man flirting with you?

Having a relationship with a married man will leave you all alone and devastated in the long run, especially if he fails to commit to you. Therefore, avoid getting involved with a married man. Once you notice the signs, keep your distance and act accordingly. If possible, have a chat with him and let him know clearly that you are not interested. It will be embarrassing and awkward, but it is a conversation you cannot avoid.

On the other hand, if you have feelings for him as well, then tell him you are not ready to be the second woman in his life. After that, wait for his actions; if he genuinely likes you, he might end his relationship for you. But ask yourself this – do you really want to break a family which has been together for years? We are sure you do not want that. However, if things really do not work out between the married man and his wife and they get a divorce, then you can think about him.

 

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How to Get Over Someone, According to a Relationship Expert

Ending a relationship is never easy – and it can be even harder if there is still love shared.

But just because heartbreak may feel like the end of the world, the good news is the pain won’t last forever – and it certainly won’t keep you from falling in love again.

According to research published in The Journal of Positive Psychology, it takes 11 weeks to feel better after a relationship ends. But a separate study found it takes closer to 18 months to heal from the end of a marriage.

In reality, heartbreak is a grieving process – and it looks completely different for everyone.

Because love is a messy emotion, and each relationship comes with its own memories and feelings, the end of any relationship will be a unique experience.

And there is no set time limit for healing – as factors including the length of the relationship, shared experiences and memories, whether you had children, betrayal, and the depth of emotion all play a part in the healing process.

The break-up can also be worse or more painful if you didn’t want the relationship to end.

Fortunately, although it may not seem like it in the moment, millions of other people are experiencing similar emotions – and millions more have.

Human beings are meant to form relationships and fall in love. And just as most people will experience love at least once in their lifetime, many will also experience the sting of heartbreak. It is natural, and expected, to be upset and devastated at the end of a relationship – even when the relationship might not have been a positive thing. After all, love is blind and it has the ability to make people overlook their partner’s flaws. This is truest at the end of a relationship, when bad memories are often overshadowed by good ones that make us question why we broke up in the first place.

But, just like any other wound, heartbreak heals with time, self-care, and a positive outlook – and it is possible to move on.

And while no two relationships are alike, there are certain things that everyone suffering from heartbreak can do to move on.

According to relationship expert Ammanda Major, there are four steps that will help you get over someone.

Take time to grieve your loss

For some, losing a significant other because of a break-up can feel as painful as if they died. From seeing or talking to the one you love every day to having no contact, it can seem impossibly daunting to imagine your life without them. But it is important to come to terms with this new reality and accept it before you can move on. While it may seem appealing to fast-forward through this period of sadness by keeping busy with other things and people, the reality is the end of a relationship requires a grieving period where we process what has happened. This is a period of time where those suffering from a heartbreak can reflect on the relationship and their own behavior. Rather than trying to suppress these feelings, allowing yourself to feel them is integral to the healing process.

And while you are reflecting on the relationship and your emotions related to the break-up, you may learn a thing or two about yourself and what you want out of a future relationship.

Reconnect with yourself

In many relationships, the primary focus is on “we” instead of “me” or “I.” But the end of a relationship offers a unique opportunity – to take stock of where you are in life, and then to do something for you. Although it may sound cliché, the end of a relationship offers you the chance to reconnect with you. This may mean taking up a new hobby or reuniting with friends. Taking the time to do things that make you feel good, like seeing family, finding a new talent, or going on holiday will all help boost your mood post-break-up. This focus on yourself also means you can enter your next relationship with a self-awareness you may have lost. Rather than rushing into a new relationship, take time to focus on your relationship with you.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help

Rarely do people come to the decision to end a relationship at the same time. When this is the case, one side is usually surprised or shocked – which will only extend the grieving process. In addition to these feelings of shock, feelings of rejection can also be apparent when a partner ends a relationship seemingly out of the blue.

If the end of your relationship came as a shock, it is normal to feel rejected or question your self-worth. But if your partner has made it clear that they no longer want a relationship with you, and that there is no chance of reconciliation – accept what they are saying and focus on yourself.

Just because a partner has ended a relationship does not mean you are unlovable or unworthy of their love. Rather than focusing on what you did wrong, focus instead on what you can do to make yourself feel better in the moment.

If you think that blocking your ex on social media will help you feel less sad, then it is the right thing to do – as limiting exposure can often help us keep our mind off of the pain.

Talking also helps – but just make sure to set limits with your friends and family about what you feel comfortable discussing. While you may be ready to talk about your ex, you may not feel entirely comfortable hearing them talk badly about your ex or your relationship. However, talking through your emotions can be beneficial and often an outside perspective can be helpful. The same is true when and if you decide to get rid of the physical reminders of your relationship. While keeping pictures and other memorabilia is perfectly okay, it is also okay to throw this stuff away if it only causes you pain.

And if you have things that you need to return to your ex, having a friend or family member deliver them for you can ease some of the pressure and sadness associated with seeing them again.

During a break-up, and in the time that follows, relying on your support system is necessary for healing.

Time does actually heal all

You may not realize it in the moment, but as time goes on, the feelings of hurt and betrayal will lessen. Reminders of your relationship won’t be as painful and one day, whether it is months or a year from now, thinking of that person won’t cause the same feelings of sadness and hurt to bubble up.

Although time is relative to each relationship, moving past these negative feelings in the time we feel we need is integral. If this means ignoring the typical timelines for dealing with heartbreak, that is okay.

However, if our negative feelings aren’t healing in time, it may be beneficial to seek professional help in coming to terms with these emotions. As thinking negative or painful thoughts can be damaging to us and to future relationships, getting back into a positive mindset is crucial.

The first year will be the hardest – and understanding this is important. You will have moments of sadness and nostalgia, but as long as you remind yourself that the end of the relationship wasn’t entirely your fault, they should pass.

Do not accept complete blame for the break-up – but at the same time, try to reflect on what you could have done differently. Relationships involve two people, and a break-up is never the fault of one person entirely.

But if you are still having trouble moving on or feel that your emotions relating to the break-up are affecting your ability to enjoy life, talking to someone can help.

If you are to successfully move on with your life after a heartbreak, letting go of the negative and focusing only on the positive and the future is key.

This way, when you do find love again, you will be entering the relationship as the best version of yourself.

Being able to love deeply is an incredible ability – and it is one that will benefit you as you move forward with your life following a heartbreak.

 

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Romantic Gestures That Are Red Flags

When you are in the middle of a new courtship, or just embarking on a new relationship with someone, then everything that they do can feel like a big sweeping statement of love and affection. We all know that love is blind, however, and sometimes the actions that we might initially perceiving as positive could actually be indicators of the exact opposite. Here are some romantic gestures that are actually a red flag.

1.EARLY LOVE PROFESSION

You know when it feels right to finally say those three special words, and the fact is that when you are in a strong relationship, you tend to be ready to say it at the same time. So, if your partner all of a sudden professes their love for you really early on in the relationship, it could be a slight red flag. Sure, it’s nice to hear that someone has fallen for you, but laying it on too thick too soon might suggest that they can’t interpret your own feelings.

The first few dates are always a combination of small talk and little attempts to chip away the ice and start getting a bit more real and personal, but it always feels a bit icky when someone immediately starts to overshare. Giving too much information too soon can often be worse than being reserved and holding it back! It might be a weird sign if he seems too comfortable telling you all if his past relationship secrets etc.

2. NONSTOP CHAT

There is something magical about finally meeting that person that doesn’t feel like they have to force conversation or fill up any tiny little gap with words words and more words. If your date can’t seem to shut up, then it tells you that he isn’t comfortable sharing silence with you, which will become a huge issue if you continue to see them!

3. NEEDY

It’s a definite red flag if they want to spend every single second of their time with you when you have only just started seeing each other. You have other outlets too like your family and your friends and your hobbies, and the fact that he doesn’t seem to have any other interest besides you can be a lot of pressure!

4. OVER PROTECTIVE

It’s always nice to know that someone has your back, but if he seems like he is almost too protective of you, it can be an early indicator that he might be a bit of controlling force in a relationship. He’ll be one of those guys who is prone to snooping and checking up, all in the name of making sure that you are ‘safe’!

5. BIG PROMISES

Never trust a guy who starts to promise you big things on the first few dates. Anyone who wants to make plans about going on a grand vacation, or brings up kids, the future or even marriage is someone who clearly doesn’t know how to pace themselves in a relationship!

 

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Humans are biased when it comes to beauty, study says

They may try to downplay it, but the beautiful people have it pretty good: They snag hotter dates, score free food and land higher-paid jobs. Now, behavioral neurologists are revealing the primal instinct driving our bias for beauty.

A new study, led by scientists at Penn Medicine, seeks to understand our brain’s response to people with facial abnormalities, such as scars, birthmarks, dysplasia and other “deformities.” Their findings, published in Scientific Reports, show an inherent bias against the “disfigured” and innate preference for the conventionally attractive.

“Judgements on attractiveness and trustworthiness are consistent across cultures, and these assumptions based on facial beauty are made extremely quickly,” says lead study author Dr. Anjan Chatterjee, professor of neurology and director at Penn Center for Neuroaesthetics. “On the other hand, people with facial disfigurement are often targets of discrimination, which seems to extend beyond the specific effects of lower overall attractiveness and may tie in more with the pattern of results with stigmatized groups.”

Previous neuroimaging studies have shown that attractive faces trigger more substantial responses in the reward, empathy, and social cognition sectors of the brain, compared to readings taken from more average faces. This study digs deeper by focusing on disfigured faces and analyzing whether surgical solutions mitigate the negative response.

“In order to right any discrimination, the first step is to understand how and why such biases exist, which is why we set out to uncover the neural responses to disfigured faces,” Chatterjee says.

The study involved two experiments, both using a set of pre- and post-op photographs from patients who underwent surgical treatment for their abnormalities. The first behavioral study enlisted 79 participants to find out whether or not they were aware of their beauty biases. An implicit association test (IAT) was used to determine where folks naturally fell when it came to judging disfigured faces. Then an explicit bias questionnaire (EBQ) assessed how conscious they were of their preference.

While the participants showed no explicit bias on the EBQ, researchers saw a clear implicit preference for the non-disfigured faces, especially among men.

The second experiment involved a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) test to observe the neural response to the photo sets. The authors found an increase in activity in the ventral occipito-temporal cortical areas, which deals with vision processing, and decreases in the regions associated with empathy, specifically the anterior cingulate and medio-prefrontal cortex.

All this tells researchers that, in spite of common courtesy, people are unconsciously harboring negative biases against less attractive and disfigured faces, resulting in an inherent lack of empathy. The diminished activity in the anterior cingulate cortex also indicates a neural flag for dehumanization, supported by previous studies which show a similar response to other stigmatized groups, such as drug addicts or homeless people.

“The emphasis of attractiveness and its association with positive attributes highlights the pervasive effect of appearance in social interaction,” says Chatterjee. “While we found that corrective surgery mitigates negative social and psychological responses to people with facial anomalies, we are also exploring alternative strategies to minimize bias towards people with facial conditions.

 

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7 Habits That Guarantee a Happy Relationship

Looking for love? Or simply aiming to be happy with the partner you already have? While the media is awash with information on finding true love, once you’ve met your match you’re expected to simply live happily ever after.

But according to the Office for National Statistics (ONS), 42 per cent of marriages in England and Wales end in divorce and many of us could do with some guidance in the relationship department.

The secret to lasting love

To avoid being one of these disconcerting statistics, help is at hand. If you want to be part of a happy couple, Dr Robert Epstein is your guy. The renowned American psychologist, along with colleagues Regina Warfel and James Johnson, conducted in-depth relationship research at the University of California San Diego and found strong relationships boil down to seven key skills.

‘No matter what your personality, or the state of your relationship, improving these skills will help your relationship work better,’ he says.

According to Dr Robert Epstein, the seven key relationship skills you need to follow are as follows:

1. Communication

This means knowing how to listen, sharing your thoughts and feelings honestly, refraining from criticising and encouraging your partner to share his or her feelings.

It’s all about opening up, and letting your other half open up too, in a judgement-free space. Sounds simple enough!

2. Knowledge of your partner

What’s his shirt size? What’s her favorite food? After communication, simply knowing a lot about your partner is a powerful way to show them you care, and makes you better equipped to tend to each other’s ongoing needs.

When she gets home from a stressful day and you’ve run a bath with her favorite lavender oil and poured a cup of Pinot Grigio, she’ll know how much you really do care (and listen).

3. Being mature about conflict resolution

Conflict-resolution skills include techniques like staying focused on the topic, staying in the present, being ready to forgive or apologize, and knowing when to take a break. You’re going to disagree, so make sure you do it in the best way possible.

4. Brushing up your life skills

Do you plan for emergencies? Do you exercise and stay fit? Studies show people want their partners to take good care of themselves and also want them to contribute a degree of security to a long-term relationship.

We’re not saying you need the survival skills of Bear Grylls, but being calm in a crisis and having a plan B when things don’t work out makes you a far more appealing mate.

5. Being able to self-manage

This is not the same as life skills, Epstein insists. People who are skilled at self-management take inventories of their strengths and weaknesses and always strive for improvement. They know how to interpret disturbing events in positive ways and they work hard to reach their goals.

This skill is also great for life in general, and it can help boost everything from professional success to your relationships with your children.

6. Being romantic and intimate

What does having strong skills in sex and romance look like? Enquiring and caring about how to please your partner sexually, setting aside time for intimacy, refraining from blaming each other when sex doesn’t go smoothly, and trying to stay physically attractive for your partner. So lay off the donuts and make time for romance!

7. Stress management

Do you know how to use breathing, meditation, or imagery techniques to help you fight stress? If you know how to avoid or fight stress, you’ll be better able to love and support your partner.

 

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5 Types of Men Women Find Attractive

Pop culture and online forums have depicted this vision of idealized masculinity that we think we need to become in order to be lucky in love.

If you want the people you ask out to say yes, you need to strive to be the perfect man — handsome, muscular, rich. A real man’s man, essentially. And frankly, If you’re all of those things already, you probably don’t spend too much time reading posts about how to get more people to swipe right on you.

The real truth about dating success is that, because everyone wants something a little bit different, your best bet isn’t to transform yourself into a totally different person. Instead, you must find the best version of yourself and work on becoming that.

Yes, there’s more than one type of dream guy. You might know that already, but it’s genuinely something that lots of guys don’t seem to realize.

Meaning, in a room full of 30 guys all trying to be the same guy, the guy who goes in the opposite direction is going to have a whole lot more success on dating apps. Why, you ask? Well, because all the people who find that confident macho man thing a little over-the-top and are looking for something different will notice him immediately.

If you’ve been wasting time wondering how you’re going to be the type of suave, classically attractive guy who could become the spokesperson for a cool beer company, it’s time to switch up your thinking. Instead of that, you need to figure out what the most date-able version of you is, and work on becoming that guy.

To give you something to shoot for, here are five types of guys who don’t struggle to get dates. Sure, they might screw those dates up or leave a trail of burning wreckage behind them as they screw over one partner after another, but each one of these men possesses desirable traits that make people want to go out with him — and make people willing to overlook his other flaws.

1. Wise Guys

The phrase “wise guys” has a number of different meanings, so it’s important to clarify what’s meant here first. This isn’t mafia-style “wise guys” at all, it’s not the biblical three wise men and it’s not sarcastic guys, like, “Oh, you’re a wise guy, eh?”

What’s sexy are really, genuinely wise guys — guys who have wisdom. That means you understand the world, you’ve seen things and learned from them. It means you know that speaking is less important than listening, and you’re not one to make rash decisions.

Wisdom is often associated with age … and surprise! Lots of people find older guys sexy. Perhaps you’ve heard that the word “daddy” has sexual connotations these days?

But you don’t need to be greying at the temples, or bald and out-of-shape in order to be a wise guy. You just need to be someone who’s thoughtful, knowledgeable and willing to share what he’s learned.

Attempt to be a wise guy if: You’re experienced, knowledgeable, confident

Don’t attempt to be a wise guy if: You’re insecure, young, hot-headed

2. Fun Guys

Lots of dating advice advises guys that the best way to their crush’s heart is to make them laugh. And there’s some truth to that — if you can make someone laugh, there’s a good chance they think you don’t totally suck, which is a step towards attraction.

But the upshot of all that “funny is sexy” talk has been that some guys think flirting should be some kind of joke-based target practice … and that is not sexy. Nobody wants to feel like you’re funny-ing them to death.

What’s really sexy is fun guys. Guys who are fun to be around. And that can take many forms — the guy who’s always planning parties, down for anything, lives and breathes stupid puns, or the guy who’ll immediately befriend half the room at a party before the night’s barely begun.

Attempt to be a fun guy if: You’re friendly, funny, spontaneous

Don’t attempt to be a fun guy if: You’re self-serious, egotistical, stand-offish

3. Successful Guys

That’s not to say that serious can’t be sexy, either. You may have heard that celebrities are attractive, and a big part of that is that, well, success is sexy.

When you can do things that other people can’t do — when you can blow people’s minds, drop people’s jaws or make them stop and stare — you’re going to have a much easier time dating.

That doesn’t mean that being good at anything will do, of course; the world’s most talented male roller-blader isn’t necessarily swimming in first dates.

But a guy who’s good at something and who has translated that talent into tangible success? Who’s won awards, nailed down impressive jobs and made big money? That guy is sexy.

Attempt to be a successful guy if: You’re good at something, you’re driven, you’re ambitious

Don’t attempt to be a successful guy if: You’re easy-going, allergic to stress, unable to commit

4. Generous Guys

It’s clear that rich guys are sexy, right? Or are they? The idea that rich guys are some kind of dream catch comes from a mistaken idea about what, specifically, is desirable in a rich guy.

Money alone isn’t it. Rich guys are often sexy because they’re successful to begin with, and the possibility that they’ll spend those riches on you is tantalizing. But what that means is that it’s better to be a generous guy with not a ton of money than a selfish jerk with wads of cash.

That’s because generous guys are dream dates no matter how much money they have. They’re thoughtful, they’re kind and they care about other people’s experiences and feelings. This is the real dream — someone who’ll get you flowers, who’ll help you move and who’ll pay for dinner.

Attempt to be a generous guy if: You like making people happy, giving gifts, doing things for others

Don’t attempt to be a generous guy if: You’re selfish, ego-centric, hate splurging

5. Healthy Guys

There are lots of ways you can be healthy. Often, guys imagine this category filled with muscle-bound macho men, but the truth is that the oiled-up brolic bro is really only attractive to a very small number of people.

What’s really attractive? Guys who know how to take care of themselves. That could mean muscles, sure, but it could also mean great cardio, a healthy diet and no substance abuse.

It could also mean you know how to take care of yourself in the emotional sense. This is something a lot of guys struggle with. Talking about our emotions and processing our feelings is just not something most guys are taught growing up.

But if you’ve been able to overcome that hurdle — if you’ve been in therapy, if you’re comfortable crying here and there, if you’re not afraid of tough emotional conversations — you’re really quite the catch. It’s the 21st century; cavemen are very passé.

Attempt to be a healthy guy if: You’re well-adjusted, in good shape, love the outdoors

Don’t attempt to be a healthy guy if: You’re dishonest, always angry, over-rely on drugs or alcohol

No matter who you are, there’s a version of you who’s capable of going on lots of dates. You could worry that you’re undesirable in any number of different ways, but there’s more than one way to be sexy — and once you figure out which way works for you, you’ll be well on your way there.

 

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