How to Survive Infidelity and Betrayal Without Betraying Yourself

Learning your spouse has had or is having an affair is earth-shattering. In an instant, the implicit trust you’ve given them – and built your life upon – evaporates. And, shell-shocked, you’re left wondering how to survive infidelity and betrayal and move forward.

When you discover your spouse has lied to you about their fidelity, it’s natural to wonder what else they’ve been duplicitous about. When you’re married, it’s also natural to define yourself in terms of your marriage.

So, it makes sense that when you discover that your marriage wasn’t what you thought it was, you seriously question how you’ll survive and what is real.

And the only way to begin answering these questions for yourself is to gain clarity on what has happened, what it means to you, and what you want for your life.

What is the difference between infidelity and betrayal?

According to the dictionary, infidelity is the action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse or other sexual partner. In other words, infidelity is about sex.

Wikipedia defines betrayal in this way: Betrayal is the breaking or violation of a presumptive contract, trust, or confidence that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship…

By being unfaithful, your spouse has betrayed you. And there are moral and psychological repercussions for the two of you and everyone else involved.

There’s no one way to deal with your spouse’s disregard for your marriage and monogamy. Some betrayed spouses choose to end their marriage. And some couples choose to look at creating a new marriage for themselves from the ashes of the previous one.

Neither of these paths forward is easy. And neither is the choice between them. Yet you will need to choose a way forward if you’re to be successful in your quest to survive infidelity and betrayal.

What percentage of marriages survive infidelity?

According to NPR, about 40 percent of American marriages are shaken to their cores by affairs. And of those marriages, more than half survive the infidelity.

Yet, just because other people make their marriages work after the betrayal of adultery, that doesn’t mean it’s in your best interest to make your marriage work.

You’ll need to decide what’s best for you and your situation.

How to survive infidelity and betrayal by choosing to make your marriage work

There are definitely good reasons for you to decide to save your marriage.

  • You have children together.
  • You have significant shared property.
  • You have been together for a long time.
  • You both love each other and are determined to do what it takes to make things right again.

If this is the path you ultimately choose, both of you will have a lot of work to do on yourselves before your marriage is whole again.

  • Committing to putting in the required effort and energy.
  • Being transparent with your spouse about what you’re thinking and feeling.
  • Releasing the betrayal.
  • Making time to work on intimacy as you become more comfortable with your spouse.
  • Being willing to create a new version of your marriage that works for both of you.

These tasks aren’t easy. They’ll require you to explore parts of yourself and your beliefs you’ve never dealt with before.

How to get through the infidelity and betrayal by divorce

On the other hand, there are good reasons to end your marriage too. Some of them include:

  • Denial of the problems that led to the infidelity and betrayal.
  • Inability to get past the anger and release the betrayal.
  • Persistent and consistent feelings of rejection.

If divorce is the truest way for you to move forward from what your spouse has done, you’ll still be faced with a tremendous about of work to do on yourself.

Some guidelines for include:

  • Accept that your marriage is over.
  • Remember that you didn’t cause the infidelity or betrayal.
  • Consider your own role in the marriage.
  • Expect to grieve – a lot.
  • Fake a smile if you have to.
  • Be grateful for every little thing.
  • Don’t drown in legalities.
  • Set long-term goals.
  • Forgive yourself and your ex.
  • Take good care of yourself.

Choosing divorce as your path forward from your spouse’s affair is difficult too. There is no one correct answer to getting through betrayal. Yet you do need to move forward.

Ultimately, the only way to survive infidelity and betrayal without betraying yourself is to get clear about what you  want. Don’t rush to decide what you want. Take your time to do your research and begin healing.

It’s only when you begin to have an idea of what could lie ahead that you’ll be able to make the best choice for how you want to move forward with your life.

 

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A Unique Gift – Chapter 19

https://lapetitemort17.wordpress.com/?p=100

 

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Facebook brings ‘Secret Crush’ feature on Dating profile

Secret Crush, as it’s called, lets you express interest in up to nine Facebook friends. The good news is, you have to opt in if you want to participate, so you won’t be bombarded with a bunch of random dating requests if you don’t want them. If someone adds you to their secret crush list, Facebook will send you a notification but will only reveal the name if you pick the same person as your secret crush. Also, if you like our efforts, consider sharing this story with your friends, this will encourage us to bring more exciting updates for you. Facebook Dating services are available on the Facebook smartphone application at present in the following countries: Paraguay, Colombia, Canada, Argentina, Mexico, Brazil, Ecuador, Vietnam, Guyana, Peru, Bolivia, Chile, Uruguay, Laos, Malaysia, Thailand, Philippines, Singapore, and Suriname.

That could entice more reluctant Facebook users to give Dating a shot – who isn’t curious to see whether a friend secretly likes them? You will also be able to share plans about your dates, with your friends and family on Messenger. The redesign makes it easier to access and use Groups, meet new friends, see upcoming events, and ship Marketplace items. Liverpool won’t receive title favors from Newcastle – Benitez City vs Liverpool: Five things you need to know… “My relationship with the city of Liverpool , the club and the fans is there”. Both sides have over 90 points and the race for the crown could be set to go down to the final day. HHS announces rule that ‘protects’ groups and individuals from performing abortions During Facebook’s F8 developers’ conference this week, the issue of user privacy seemed to loom over the event as Facebook announced even more invasive features and joked about the sites numerous data scandals. It is different from Tinder and users are not required to swipe people to like them. The new version of the social media mobile app will be simpler and faster.

First things first: New year, new look, baby! The new look rolls-out in the United States today, and for the rest of the world in the coming weeks. It’s available through the Facebook App, and allows people to control their experience with it. You’ll then be able to speak to each other about that crush. Facebook is working to downplay recommendations from groups known for spreading misinformation, and deleting groups that break the company’s community standards. The number of Facebook users in Vietnam is the seventh highest in the world, with over 58 million people as of a year ago, an increase of 16 percent over 2017, according to a report by social media marketing and advertising agency We Are Social.

 

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New Study Finds Men Are Happier With This Type Of Wife And We’re So Damn Predictable

Hot wife, happy life? According to a recent study, it turns out that’s true. Men with attractive wives have happier marriages.

A study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletinsuggests that men who marry attractive women are more likely to have long, satisfying marriages.

RELATED: This May Be the Key to a Happy Marriage

You might think this means that men who marry attractive women, also face more competition for their mate from other suitors and may find themselves on the receiving end of some serious jealousy. Thoughts of infidelity and anxiety about their wife stepping out may also plague these lucky men.

Not so, say the researchers behind the Florida State University study. Breaking down 200 participants into two distinct groups, lead author Juliana French made her case clear. “Maximizers” — those men and women who take the time to seek out the optimal solution in every life choice they face — are more likely to opt for the ultimate best in everything instead of settling. By contrast, “satisfiers” — people who are not as choosy and opt to take a more comfortable and familiar option instead of holding out — are likely to get together more quickly.

In the end, French claims, maximizing men are more likely to be satisfied when they kick off their lifetime of wedded bliss. “Specifically, maximizing men who had attractive (vs. unattractive) wives were more satisfied at the start of their marriages,” she said. “Likewise, maximizing women who had high (vs. low) status husbands experienced less steep declines in satisfaction over time.”

For women, as seen above, the determinant of an ideal partner seemed to correlate more commonly with wealth or status than physical attractiveness, although both traits play a role. Maximizing women saw different outcomes, being more likely to remain happy with their high-status husbands in the long run rather than see a brutal drop-off in interest.

RELATED: Are Beautiful Women Difficult to Approach

Besides the risk of ending up in an unhappy marriage, there are other dangers connected to having a mentality of needing to be in a relationship immediately. As Dr. Juliana Breines details for Psychology Today, the pressure to settle can be a very significant factor in the minds of many single people. According to Breines, lonely and desperate daters are more likely than others to put up with some real nastiness or deep flaws in those they select.

“People who were afraid of being single, or those who agreed with statements like, ‘I feel it is close to being too late for me to find the love of my life,’ and, ‘As I get older, it will be harder and harder to find someone’ were more likely to prioritize being in a relationship over the quality of that relationship or a potential partner,” said Breines. “Such individuals were more likely to express interest in dating someone whose online profile included callous statements like, ‘I love what I do, so I need someone who respects that and is willing to take the back seat when necessary.’”

The bottom line is, there’s value in being choosy, taking your time and asking out a perfect 10 or an out-of-your-league 9. And, when it comes to ending up in a happy marriage, it also helps to be somewhat successful in other areas of your life.

 

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Cherie – Chapter 51 – Justified

You know, when you go into these things you have to compartmentalize your life. I have a girlfriend. But she lives up in Pottstown, PA. That’s 41 miles away from Philly. She can’t get down here more than once or twice a month. I love Cherie and our time together is always wonderful but it’s few and far between. She’s jammed up with school and work and raising her son.

I get texts from her about her frustration with her life. But there’s nothing I can do but listen and comfort her. But that’s hard to do from 41 miles away sitting in a chair texting back and forth. On her end I suppose she’s venting, but on my end, I just don’t feel like listening to a bunch of negative stuff at night when I’m home.

I know I should be grateful at my age to have a 27 year old hot girlfriend that isn’t around much. I get the benefits of intense sex and love and so does she but the schedules and the distance are taking their toll.

I think our relationship is fine and I enjoy my time alone or with my friends. Plus, I like to work and stay busy. So for me it works out great. I just have to gear up for the Sexual Olympics very three weeks or so.

But for her it’s different. She misses me. She gets super horny and let’s me know it. That never turns me on because there’s nothing I can do about it. It just makes me sad for her because I’m not there, and can’t be there to satisfy her desire. So I’m sure that’s frustrating. Then there’s the texts about how bad her life is, and how frustrated she is with her son, and his health and her own health. I don’t know a lot about what’s going on, and I know she doesn’t want to tell me because she says she doesn’t want to disappoint me. She says there are several things she doesn’t share because she’s afraid I’ll be disappointed and leave her. Which is simply not the case.

Like I said before. She’s young, smart and beautiful. She never brings up marriage and doesn’t want to have any more kids. I think that’s pretty much the perfect girl.

But what I miss is the romantic couple stuff. Going to the movies. Having dinner together. Going to shows and museums, etc. We rarely ever get to do anything like that. We did in the beginning but her schedule’s so crazy now she doesn’t have time anymore.

So I hope things get better and prepare myself for the worst. But after all I’ve been through with crazy ex, Annabelle, (See: Annabelle – 2013 to 1014 – Nice to Meet You) I have rewired my mind to be prepared for anything to happen and not lose my shit. So I want Cherie and I to make it, because she is one of the greatest women I’ve ever been with in my life.

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder. I agree with that statement because I’m always happy to see Cherie anytime we’re reunited, but distance can also cause an errant heart in some.

Hence, what’s happened with Ambria, last year, (See: Ambria – 2017 – Ray of Light) and now Kita. (See: Kita – 2017 to Present – Hello Lovely) So I’ll just have to see how all of this plays out.

UPDATE: Cherie is struggling financially with Temple University. She just texted me today and asked me to give her $2000. I don’t have that kind of liquidity. So I turned her down. I feel bad but I shouldn’t be lending my girlfriend that kind of money.

Had I given it to her she would have been forced into so many deviant sexual scenarios she would have never recovered from that. I did the right thing.

You think that’s funny?

I’m serious.

The blog is called, phicklephilly…

 

(Oh, come on… I’m KIDDING!)

 

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Looking For The Perfect Woman? 7 Signs You’ve Just Found Her

In this world full of so many imperfections, how it is possible for the perfect woman to exist?

And yet, every man seem to have this image of the ideal woman in his head. Rather than a normal girl, she is a compound of physical characteristics and character traits.

Reaching out to thousands of single guys out there with the request to describe their idea of the perfect woman, we’ve managed to single out the seven key characteristic that set her apart.

The girl you are dating is hardly likely to possess them all, but you can still be looking for some or most of them.

But why seven, you may ask? Well, just think of the strong charisma this number has. Seven are, for example, the deadly sins we’ve always been told to stay clear of. And the wonders of the world that attract everyone’s imagination are also seven.

So, If you recognize some of the seven signs mentioned below in your partner, or the girl you’ve been dating – congratulations! If no, then perhaps she’s got some other qualities that we’ve missed. Do not ditch her for not being perfect! There’s no guarantee that the next one will be better!

1. She does everything in style

If there’s one thing that sets the perfect woman apart from all her less extraordinary sisters, it’s the class and style she projects in all of her actions and utterances. Every gesture she makes is full of grace and dignity, but one that comes from inside, not one that has been acquired just for the particular occasion.

Having set high standards for herself, she expects the same attitude from men, and will never condescend to being with someone who’s clearly out of her league. She can recognize a real man, even if he’s not wearing an Armani suit and hasn’t come to the party by a Ferrari. For her, it’s enough to hear the confidence in his voice and see the strength in his eyes.

2. Her ambitions are high

For a woman of such class and dignity as the one described above, it is normal to have high ambitions. She does not see her as a rich man’s accessory, for she isn’t a golddigger. Her ambitions go far beyond that. They are based on hard work, diligence, consistency and perseverance, and therefore they are realistic and feasible.

She knows what she wants, and she’s ready to work hard and make sacrifices for it. Many men have run away scared of her ambitions, but this does not seem to be bothering her. She is looking for the man who can embrace them. Speaking of the perfect woman’s ambitions, she certainly must know the balance between work and personal life.

3. The perfect woman is level-headed and mature

It’s a common belief that men fall for challenging and difficult women, but here I’d like to mention that in this case challenging and difficult does not mean irresponsible and immature. The perfect woman certainly knows how to keep a man interested and intrigued, and yet she’s level-headed and mature; a wise head on young shoulders!

With such a woman by his side, every man can rest assured he’ll always get the support he needs to pursue his high ambitions and goals. By every great man in world history, there was an equally great woman.

4. She’s got brains, as well as looks

I know it can be difficult to figure out whether she’s a Harvard graduate on the first date, but you can easily figure out if her brains match the way she looks. Just talk to her. If she feels calm and comfortable discussing topics from different realms of life, then maybe she comes very close to the collective image of the perfect woman I’m talking about.

In this path of thought, she hardly notices men who tend to possess the emotional and intellectual range of a teaspoon. Tarzans and Robinson Crusoes stand zero chance of getting on her radar, because it is intelligence more than anything else that turns her on.

5. She’s outspoken and honest

The perfect woman, or at least those women who come the closest to this definition, has the courage to tell the truth, even when it hurts. She knows that when lying to her partner, she’s lying to herself. And when cheating on him, she’s cheating her own feelings.

You can easily tell if the woman in front of you’s got something to hide. Well, even if it sometimes is damn difficult to figure it out, you’ve got to try as hard as you can. If you’re looking for the perfect woman, you hardly have time to deal with a compulsive liar, do you?

If we perceive the relationship between a man an a woman as a house, the perfect woman knows that trust and respect form its foundations. She can be trusted, and naturally expects the same open attitude from the man beside her.

6. The perfect woman isn’t easy

Most girls and women who are dating actively have enough common sense not to go to bed with a man on the first date. With the perfect woman, however, this period can be a bit longer. This is because she wants to make sure that she is with the right man, and it’s safe to accept him as her lover.

More importantly, however, this is her strategy to test his interest in her. If he walks away in search for an easier girl, then he simply does not deserve to be her boyfriend. This type of behavior is quite natural. Being the weaker sex, women are cautious not to commit themselves to a man who’s not a good match for them.

7. She isn’t clingy either

As in everything else she does, the perfect woman carries herself in style in her relationships with men. She respects her partner’s personal space and expects the same from him.Therefore,

if you act as a clingy and needy wussbag around her, get ready for a farewell kiss on the cheek. She isn’t you mother to pamper you, nor is she your elder sister whose shoulder you can cry on.

Because she has a strong confidence in herself, a relationship with such a woman isn’t smothering, but motivating and inspiring.

She instinctively feels when to call or text, and when she should give you some time and space to be on your own.

As she isn’t a drama queen, she simply has no time for scenes of petty jealousy, followed by tearful attempts to get things back on track. If, driven by your own insecurity, you unjustly accuse her of cheating on you, drop all hopes that you’ll be able to make it up to her with huge bunches of flowers, boxes of chocolates, or expensive presents.

 

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If These 22 Things Described Your Relationship, You Should Be HAPPY You Broke Up

Nobody ever jumps for joy after going through a breakup — we’re not going to pretend that you should in any way be celebrating the end of your relationship with Champagne and toasts. Even when everyone around you says that you made the right choice, it can still be hard to let go. I’m speaking from legitimate experience when I say that I get it. When you’re still reeling from the breakup, and after you put so much into the relationship, it’s easy to begin to question why you’re letting it go and moving on. These are the 22 signs that you did in fact make the right choice to end things — read ’em and rest a little bit easier, then start making moves to move on!

  1. You always feared that they would leave you.
  2. You had more admiration for other couples than you did yourself and your SO.
  3. When you think back on what the relationship was like, the bad memories come up first.
  4. Jealousy was a major dynamic between the two of you.
  5. They made you feel bad for the things you’re interested in.
  6. You didn’t feel like they supported your career goals.
  7. You lost friends because of the relationship.
  8. There was a constant struggle for superiority; the two of you were never equals.
  9. Either of you would divulge that they missed the “old version” of the other.
  10. You didn’t feel comfortable around their family, or vice versa.
  11. You felt like you had to hide an aspect of who you are to maintain their approval.
  12. Either of you had to vie for affection.
  13. You or they were constantly worried about what the other was doing when you were apart.
  14. Even small conflicts turned into tumultuous arguments.
  15. There were double standards — things that one of you could do that the other couldn’t.
  16. Either of you were continually threatening to end the relationship.
  17. The relationship more often felt draining than it did uplifting.
  18. Your friends and family think the two of you are better off apart.
  19. You depended more on others for emotional support than you did your significant other.
  20. You often found yourself lashing out at your partner, sometimes without really knowing why.
  21. Your lives never fully (or easily) melded together.
  22. You were more often worried about your future together than you were excited for it.

 

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