10 Obvious Signs Your Partner Is Not That Into You And It’s Time To Reconsider Your Relationship

Have you ever been so crazy for someone that you become blind to the fact they are not into you?

Advertisements

Sadly, often our attraction and passion clearly make us miss the warning signs that the other person is giving us. Or we just aren’t able to detect them.

Usually, this dilemma arises from believing that if we insist the other person can change their mind about us. Unfortunately, that is simply impossible. Once someone shows you they are not romantically interested in you, the only thing you could do is to accept the bitter truth. And although it is painful to move on from someone you have strong feelings for, it’s actually for the better. Only after leaving the wrong person will you be able to find the right one for you.

But no matter how bad a break-up is, staying in an unsatisfactory relationship with someone who’s not actually into you is even worse.

Closing your eyes to the fact that he or she doesn’t love you truly and doesn’t treat you the way you deserve could cause heartache, frustration, and disappointment.

Remember someone who really likes you and wants to be with you will pursue you!

They will do whatever they can to make things between you two work out. He or she will be glad to spend time with you. They will treat you with respect and make plans for the future with you. If they don’t behave this way from the beginning, or they don’t seem to look seriously at the relationship, you’d better cut them loose. Because chances are very high, he or she is just not that into you.

So to help you solve the dilemma if he or she loves you truly, we’ve outlined 10 obvious signs that your partner is not in love with you.

1. You Initiate Contact. Always.

If someone misses you and wants to see you, they will. If they don’t call and expect you to be the first to initiate contact, then you might need to reconsider if they are the one for you.

2. You feel close to your partner only when you have sex.

Some people need time to open up. But if you notice that your partner isn’t really close with you and your only intimate moments with them are when you have sex, you might need to think again whether they really love you.

3. You don’t have sex.

Another problem with intimacy in the relationship could be that you and your partner don’t have sex, and even if you do it’s not enough or you are the one who initiates it.

4. They don’t make plans for the future with you.

Someone who’s into you and feels confident that things are going in the right direction will gladly plan their holiday with you or offer to take you with them next time they go on a trip. In contrast, an emotionally unavailable partner wouldn’t even want to make plans for the next weekend with you.

5. You don’t know their friends and family.

Spending enough quality time with your partner is crucial for the success of every relationship. Yet, the natural behavior of a loving partner is to introduce you to their friends and family and make you feel a part of their social circle. If they don’t do that there’s a chance he or she is not serious about you.

6. They are always busy.

It’s important that partners respect each other’s freedom and personal space. But if you’re constantly being neglected — your partner never finds time to go out with you, or they often don’t answer to your texts — it’s likely that they’re not really into you. One of the most painful situations is to try to reach out to someone and be repeatedly ignored.

7. They are not interested to learn personal things about you.

Someone who really loves you will find time to learn more about you. They will want to know more about your day and will surely ask “get to know you” questions. One of the primary characteristics of a healthy relationship is that you can share both your happiness and problems with your partner. So if he or she is not interested in listening to you or doesn’t seem to be happy when you are, they are most probably not getting serious about you.

8. They say they’ve never been in love.

Many women are likely to fall for guys who are immature and don’t know what they want. Sadly, this type of men often mask the fact they don’t seek serious relationship by saying they haven’t found a woman who is worth their love.

But this is not true. As sad as it sounds such people don’t know what true love is so they are not able to give it to their partners. That’s why trying to build a relationship with such a person is just a waste of time.

9. Don’t confuse flirting for love.

A lot of people need to flirt to feel happy and satisfied with themselves. That is typical for men, but there are women who love flirting too. So if he or she flirts with you but never asks you out, this is a red flag. Any person who is seriously interested in you will try to date you. So, if your crush isn’t taking any steps to ask you out, they are probably not into you, and you’d better move on.

10. They don’t have time for you.

You should pay attention to how often your partner prefers their own company to yours. If you notice that he or she has been spending less and less time with you and they don’t seem to care or to give you a reasonable explanation why they started disappearing from your life, your relationship might be in danger.

You don’t have to feel bad if your partner doesn’t love you the way you do — you don’t have any fault about this situation. It’s just that he or she is not the one.

So, if you feel that there’s something wrong with your significant other’s behavior or attitude towards you and if you notice most of or all of the signs discussed in this article – don’t hesitate to talk about your relationship with them immediately.

Never underestimate yourself by staying in a relationship with someone who doesn’t seem to care enough about you and has no intentions to commit to you.

You are amazing! So you need to be treated with love and respect. And certainly, there is a person out there who will treat you exactly this way.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Facebook: phicklephilly       Instagram: @phicklephilly       Twitter: @phicklephilly

Should You Break Up? 7 Major Signs It’s Time for You to Leave

If you’re waiting for a sign, this is it.

Growing up, I always thought dating would be the one easy part of life.

Money, travel, jobs, those things were complicated. But dating? Simple. You’d find someone you liked, they’d like you, too, and you’d hang out until you got married. Then you hang out some more, pop out a few kids, and get buried next to each other. The children you had together would stop by once in a while to drop off a few flowers. Not a bad life.

If you’ve dated at all you know real life is basically the same thing, except the person you like doesn’t like you, your house is on fire, you never sleep because of the kids you popped out, neither of you makes enough money to live your dreams, which causes resentment and you didn’t really like each other to begin with, so you hate each other for the rest of your lives and people tell a fake love story at your funerals because they didn’t really know you to begin with. Sound about right?

 

Dating/marriage is never easy. People tend to think that if you just stick together you’ll be okay. But realistically, that isn’t always the case. Being with someone should make you happy. It should give you a support system, an extra leg to stand on.

If you’ve been with someone for any length of time, you’ve probably struggled with this question: How do you know when it’s time to leave?

Here are 7 telltale signs it’s best to go your separate ways and move on.

1. You don’t want the same things.

In any relationship, there will be things that you don’t agree on. But the difference here is lifetime goals.

A big one is having kids: if one partner wants children and the other absolutely hates the idea, this can cause tension in the relationship. If your significant other is set on living their days out in another country or traveling the world and you can’t stand the thought of leaving your family behind, this can become a major problem. These are the big-picture ideas that most people are much less willing to compromise on. Even if someone gives up their lifelong dream to be around you there is no guarantee that they will be content with that choice. Resentment can build, causing cracks in the entire foundation of the relationship.

2. You are constantly trying to make them happy and they don’t reciprocate.

In any kind of relationship, you shouldn’t be the only one putting in the work. It isn’t fair to expect one person to carry the burden of a relationship. Both partners have to be invested for it to work.

If you are the only one doing any sort of gestures, the only one inviting them to hang out, the only one trying to make sure they’re happy, then you’re in for a world of hurt. This kind of relationship usually ends up paining you more than anything and that’s just not sustainable.

3. You’re not interested/invested anymore.

The honest-to-goodness truth is that sometimes feelings fade. It’s tough to admit, but you notice your love fading, despite the fact that you still have a respect for your SO. This is when you have to own up to those feelings and try to do the least damage possible.

You should be honest and tell your partner how you feel (or more accurately how you don’t ). At least this way you’re not leading them on. I know from personal experience that that’s almost harder to take than the actual breakup. Your SO deserves someone who wants them and loves them: if that isn’t you, its time to let them go so they can find someone who truly will.

4. You’re starting to feel like life would be easier without them.

Some people genuinely make your life harder. This is tied back to number two, meaning you shouldn’t be with someone who is asking so much of you and not giving that back, but also to the idea that some people honestly begin to have a negative affect on your life when you date them.

If your SO is begging for extravagant gifts they know you can’t afford, making unfair ultimatums, causing fights left and right, or demanding more than you are able to give, they don’t respect your needs. If you think life would be easier without them, chances are you’re right. Just make sure you make this decision with a clear head and not out of spite.

5. You’re together because you feel obligated to be, not because you want to be.

If you’ve been with someone for years and you’re sick of the relationship, get out of it. If the dinner table is silent or the bedroom lonely, you may have lost that spark.

You can try to fix this by going out of your way to make time for your partner, spending time getting to know each other again, going to counseling. But if nothing works and you’re unhappy, it’s better for everyone to end it than to suffer through just for appearances.

As a child of divorce, with many friends who are also children of divorce, children aren’t a ‘good’ reason to stay in an unhappy marriage. I could write a book on this topic. Everyone deserves to be the happiest they can be. Your children will suffer just as much if not more with two regretting parents than with functional divorced parents.

The point here is that if you’re unhappy, there’s a reason. If you’re trapped in a relationship, I don’t think it really qualifies as a love connection anymore.

6. You aren’t interested in a continuing relationship.

If your partner is expecting this relationship to grow into something more and you don’t see it going anywhere, it’s probably time to cut things off. Leading someone on or letting them believe that they have a chance at a future with you is cruel. Dating casually is also totally normal and acceptable, but if one person doesn’t know that’s what you’re doing, then you’re being unfair to them.

The difference between both people knowing it’s a fun but not serious relationship, and a ‘serious’ relationship you know will never be long-term for you is that your partner has a choice in being involved. If you know, you know. And that’s OK! Just don’t let someone think otherwise.

7. You feel yourself turning into someone you aren’t proud of.

One of the biggest hardships in dating is letting yourself become something you aren’t. It’s easy to slide into a persona of what someone wants you to be, or the ‘ideal’ girlfriend or boyfriend figure. In a good relationship, you should feel comfortable being exactly who you are, with no boundaries. The person you’re with should value you for who you are, flaws and all.

The other problem could fall under this category is that you feel yourself becoming manipulative or aggressive. If you’re becoming that way as the result of a toxic relationship, get out of it and make some time to focus on you. The same goes for if someone is treating you poorly; get out as soon as you can.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Facebook: phicklephilly       Instagram: @phicklephilly       Twitter: @phicklephilly

What Kind of Women Do Men Never Leave?

Men do not throw first of all skillful manipulators. In general, the majority of women are manipulators, it helps them catch, and then and give life to a man forever.

The manipulator’s master has two skills: she is able to choose the victim correctly and keep the length of her required leash. She can pretend to be a weak woman who needs a constant burn, then suddenly begins to exert pressure. Only thanks to this skillful and thoughtful work with emotions, she can keep her husband tense and with a constant sense of guilt, while not giving a minute to enlighten the brain and to understand what a terrible situation he was in.

We can assume that in her youth she was not very popular, but “that only person”, whom she could catch, from her already certainly will not go away.

What Women do Men never leave?

Men also do not throw arbitrary, strong and independent women. I will not talk about women who seek a lot without help. A typical example is a business lady who “made herself.” As a rule, such women have a lot of problems with the opposite sex. Men do not want to be close to a strong and independent woman, because there is no way to put pressure on her directly. Such a woman has, in essence, male power, which she does not face.

We are talking about women who show “feminine strength”. Such a woman will not try to seem weak, she is independent, but all her desires are performed by men in running. She can afford a crowd of admirers to choose any, sip his all juices and throw away the waste material on the trash. Such women are not thrown – they are thrown.

Such women are not interested in why in this life someone is thrown by men ..

There is another category of women who are not thrown. Such a woman does not try to control, use and manipulate men. She lives only for herself, working on herself, not sucking on the energy of other people, trying to “correct” at least one man for their needs and their own notions.

Women are afraid to be abandoned, while believing that the husband is constantly, she is to blame for something. And after all, you can control only yourself, otherwise – happiness will not be.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Instagram: @phicklephilly     Facebook: phicklephilly    

The Beach House – Chapter 21 – Conclusion

“It went too far. She thought I was going to fire her.” I was pleading my case to deaf ears.

“Ahh, Monica, I’m so sorry it came to this. ” Mia wrapped Monica in her arms. Monica was still in shock, and I don’t think she even recognized Mia.

“I was about to tell her when you walked in…” I didn’t want Mia upset with me on our wedding day.

“Well you should have told her sooner.” She started rubbing Monica’s back. “You probably had her in tears all day.” She sat Monica on a nearby chair and looked back at the smiling Wally. “Wally, grab some water and a towel or something.” He left, chuckling. Monica’s mouth was still standing open. “Well, tell her, Dale. I won’t have any tears at our wedding.” Monica’s mouth opened wider. Mia’s hands were on her hips, waiting for me to comply. I softened my voice as I dropped to one knee in front of Monica.

“You remember Mia Perez, Monica.” I smiled trying to make sure she understood I had no ill will. “We kind of hit it off during the detox.” I grabbed one of Mia’s hands off her hip. “We’re getting married today, and I needed you here as a witness.” Monica mouth was still wide open, looking between Mia face and mine. I gently took hold of Monica’s hand. “Are you alright?” I heard Bob re-enter the chapel.

“You’ve known her for a week.” Monica looked back to me. “You don’t like anybody.” I laughed and patted her hand.

“I assure you, I love this woman more than life itself” I smiled at Mia who dropped her other hand off her hip and smiled back.

“I didn’t even know you could smile.” Monica was still in shock. Bob exchanged the water and towel for Mia’s bouquet. Mia sat down next to Monica.

“Your mascara is a bit askew.” Mia dipped the end of the towel in the water and began wiping the worst of it off her face.

“Making me take care of Mia was the best thing you could done for me.” I stood back up. “I needed her as much as she needed me.”

“I never met the Dale you know.” Mia kept cleaning Monica’s face as she talked. “I fell in love with a very tender man with a strange SpaghettiOs fixation.” Monica laughed at that. Leave it to Mia to move us past the tears. Wally leaned down near Monica.

“These two share a very compatible type of insanity.” He chuckled again.

“You see, Monica, I have no intention of firing you. You are my second favorite woman on this whole planet.” I smiled at her, figuring that should settle it. I saw tears welling up in her eyes. She jumped up and wrapped her arms around me and started bawling. I looked at Mia for help, and she was crying too. I looked at Wally.

“I knew this would be an insane wedding.” Wally started chuckling again. I was beginning to think he was a bit on the insane side.

Once the girls had fixed their makeup, the wedding went off without a hitch. Mia surprised me with a little poetic vow about me pulling her from a pit of darkness into “my heart full of light.” I had to think fast, and I could see in her eyes that this was payback for a handful of paint.

“Mia, before you entered my life, I thought love was only a word for poets.” I smiled into her eyes. “I now know poets are just souls who ache for what I have through you. You are my ocean, my waves. You are my SpaghettiOs.” I heard a whimper from Monica and I saw the water in Mia’s eyes. Wally was holding back another chuckle.

Mia and I took our witnesses out to dinner after the wedding to celebrate. We spent the entire dinner laughing and telling Monica all that had happened over the last week. We were into our fourth bottle wine when Mia decided to give her gift to Monica.

“Dale told me why you made him take care of me.” Mia was glowing. “I felt bad that my thoughtless husband would do such a thing.” I interrupted.

“Hey, I didn’t know you then!” Mia smacked me lightly in the shoulder.

“A tenth anniversary only comes around once. It deserves to be recognized.” Mia looked at me like I might forget some future event. “We wanted to buy you a second honeymoon to make amends.” Mia smiled handing an envelope over to Monica.

Monica opened the envelope with wide eyes. “Oh my God!” she said as she looked at the three-week cruise to the islands and South America.

“And everything is planned.” Mia was all jumpy. “I wanted to make sure you didn’t have to think about a thing, just like when you take care of Dale.” Mia was really proud of herself. “Dale cleared the time with Charlie’s boss, and I’ll make sure Dale doesn’t try and call during the trip.” Monica started tearing up again.

“Oh my gosh, guys! This is amazing!” Monica was wiping the tears from her eyes. Mia hugged her and started crying too. You would have thought we were poking them with burning sticks.

I was excited, because I saw the dessert tray heading our way. I slipped the pastry chef a hundred to make something special for me. The waiter went around, delivering the desert, leaving Wally for last. I was getting antsy. The waiter smiled at me and reached under the tray and pulled out a small top-hat-shaped cake. It was perfect. He placed it in front of Wally, who for once looked very confused.

“I don’t think this is what I ordered.” He looked up at the waiter who just smiled and nodded at me.

“I quote: ‘If you two are friends at the end if this I’ll eat my hat.’ ” My timing was perfect. Mia burst out laughing which infected all of us. To his credit, Wally ate the entire thing. I think he liked being the center of attention even if it was a joke at his expense.

Over coffee, Monica was whispering to Mia. Monica reached into her purse and removed what looked like an old envelope that had seen better days. Monica looked at me. “I made a promise a few years back that earlier today, I thought I would have to break.” Her eyes were getting watery. “I think I was planning to throw this at you Dale.” She was indicating the envelope, half smiling and half crying. Women were becoming confusing again. “Now, I get to keep that promise.” She handed the envelope to Mia, then wiped some tears from her eyes.

Mia seemed a little confused herself. The envelope didn’t have any markings and seemed to contain more than just paper. She broke the seal and looked inside, and I saw her eyes tear up. I tried to see what was inside as she pulled out a single folded piece of paper. Mia opened it and began to cry which was echoed by Monica. They hugged each other.

I reached over and looked into the envelope. My eyes began to water as I looked at my Grandma’s butterfly brooch. Mia handed me the letter and hugged me as I read:

To whomever has found my Dale’s heart,

Please take care of it. It is very precious to me.

Love Eleanor.

 

THE END

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Instagram: @phicklephilly      Facebook: phicklephilly   Twitter: @phicklephilly

Why is everyone suddenly using the C-word?

A journalist from Canada recently shared a video on Twitter in which she asked people in Manchester their opinion of Tommy Robinson (real name Stephen Yaxley-Lennon). Two young people – one male, one female – replied immediately with the word “cunt”. The journalist was taken aback, and the video quickly racked up retweets and comments. So what’s going on here? Is the status of this notorious word changing?

Swearing is power language, a parallel vocabulary packed with emotion and social force. But its effects depend heavily on context: one person’s everyday expletive is another’s strict taboo. These differences also vary greatly across time and place. The strong religious swears in English in the Middle Ages are now mild in most places, though minced versions remain popular (jeepers, cripes, gosh).

Over time, taboos shifted from religion to sex and excretion: fuck, shit and company. Salient among them is cunt. “In the premier league of profanity,” Susie Dent tells us, “cunt has been dominating the table for over two centuries.” Yet it was not originally profane at all. It was once routine enough to appear in street names, surnames, even medical books. “In the 14th century cunt was standard English for the female pudendum,” writes Jane Mills in Womanwords. A century later it was still “the standard way to define vulva”, according to Melissa Mohr in Holy Shit: A Brief History of Swearing.

Attitudes then began to change, and cunt became taboo. Slang lexicographer Eric Partridge notes it was “avoided in written and polite English” – though Shakespeare snuck it in anyway. Later it became obscene by law. Partridge’s forerunner Francis Grose, in his 1811 Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue, defined it – nastily – as “a nasty name for a nasty thing”. The OED prudishly omitted it from its first edition but caught up in 1972 and has fared better in recent years, adding the adjectives cunted, cunting, cuntish and cunty in March 2014. (The authoritative Green’s Dictionary of Slang catalogues a great variety of such terms.)

“By the early 20th century cunt has acquired a layer of hatred in its meaning,” Kate Warwick writes in an exploration of the word’s offensive power, describing how phonetics and connotation contribute to that effect. Germaine Greer’s influential Female Eunuch (1970) deemed it “the worst name anyone can be called”, and many would still agree. Surveys by broadcasting standards authorities in different English-speaking countries consistently place it at or near the top of their offensiveness charts.

But profanity is determined socially, which traditionally has meant locally, and in certain dialects cunt has little or no shock value. For some speakers of Australian English, Irish English and British (especially Scottish) English, it is an ordinary element of their speech. In Scotland it’s even becoming a pronoun. There are socioeconomic implications: “Even within England,” writes Ally Fogg, “it is used more commonly the further you get (both geographically and socio-politically) from the ruling class and the bourgeoisie.”

Its casual use can be hard to adjust to if your culture categories it as a serious, misogynistic slur. In dialects where cunt is less taboo, it’s often used of men, typically as an insult but also with affection. That doesn’t rid it of its gender-markedness, though (any more than “guys” has become gender neutral) simply because some people use it that way. As Lynne Murphy writes, “The shift from feminine to masculine in BrE is part of a more general tendency to use words for women (or our parts) as the ultimate way to put down a man. Which sums up the status of womanhood in our culture rather neatly.”

There are signs that cunt’s taboo is decreasing slightly in North America, or at least parts of it. Feminist efforts to reclaim it gained momentum through Eve Ensler’s Vagina Monologues, while Michael Adams has tracked its re-appropriation on American TV – though he concludes that the examples don’t yet constitute a trend.

The word’s occurrence in high-profile shows such as Game of Thrones may reduce its profane power, if only a little, but the greater influence of religious and social conservatism will preserve the taboo’s strength. In language use we take our cues from family, friends and peers far more than from pop culture. One swallow doesn’t make a summer, and even a couple of swears doesn’t break a taboo.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Facebook: phicklephilly       Instagram: @phicklephilly       Twitter: @phicklephilly

California Dreamin’ – 1982 to 1984 – Lenore – She Who Comes Bearing Gifts

This girl I worked with asked if I would meet her friend for a date. I’m always apprehensive about these sort of things. But I had a great work relationship with my friend at work. So I took the friend’s number and called her. We chatted on the phone a few times. One topic of conversation was me always eating Pringles potato chips when we were on the phone. One of my bandmates worked at a supermarket, and we would clip a few items occasionally for his poor bandmates.  (this becomes relevant later). She seemed like someone I’d enjoy spending time with, so we decided to meet for dinner.

I was excited to meet. In hindsight, there were a few warning signs that this might not turn out well for me.

1. In one phone conversation, the topic of butt size came up, and she said something to the effect of, “don’t be scared by how big mine is.”

2. When discussing our dinner date, she said, “You have to promise me that no matter what, we’ll meet again after our date, even if it doesn’t work out, we can have drinks and laugh about it.”

3. When she was describing how I’d recognize her outside the restaurant, she said, “I drive a purple Camaro.”

Being young and naive, I didn’t think much of it all, and arrived at the restaurant that evening with an open mind. How soon things changed. After waiting outside a few minutes, up pulls a purple Camaro convertible. If you’ve ever seen the movie Friday, where Smokey gets set up with “Janet Jackson”, you know what comes next. Back then I weighed about 118 lbs. and am 5’9″. That’s a lean build. This girl had at least 50 lbs. on me, if not more. “HEYYYYY!!!” She greeted me, and I did my best not to look scared to death.

In addition to her purse, she was carrying a brown paper bag. I didn’t really want to know what might be inside. We went in and got seated at our table and after a minute or two of uneasy conversation, she said, “I brought you something.” Out comes the paper bag, from which she pulls out a Ken doll, dressed as Superman, with “Mr. Pringles” written on the cape. My face felt like it was on fire and I could feel everyone in the entire place staring at me.

After ordering dinner, I excused myself to go to the bathroom. On the way back to the table, I passed the front door and seriously considered making a run for it, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Defeated, I slowly walked back to the table and we had our dinner.

We had also planned to go to a comedy club afterwards. I intended to offer to drive us both there, but instead told her to follow me in her car. Again, I considered maybe trying to drive fast and lose her on the way, but figured my VW minibus couldn’t outrun her Camaro. Fearing getting heckled by the comedians all night, I found a table in a dark corner towards the back and the rest of the evening was fairly uneventful. After the show, we said our goodbyes and before I could turn to go, she grabbed me and, giving me a giant bear hug, whispered, “Make sure you call me.”

Needless to say, that was the last I ever saw of Camaro girl. I learned a lot about dating the “friend with the great personality” that night. But to be totally honest, I would have hung out with her again, but that whole “Mr. Pringles” thing really creeped me the fuck out.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly   twitter: @phicklephilly

9 Divorce Myths You Need to Ignore (And What to Do Instead)

It’s not always what you think.

There are a lot of myths about divorce and divorce statistics that keep infecting our society. For starters, despite what we’ve heard, the divorce rate actually is not 50 percent. In fact, that number is actually one that was a projected number based on the fact that the divorce rates were on the rise in the 70s and early 80s.

The reality, according to a piece by the New York Times, is that divorce rates are dropping, meaning “happily ever after” is actually a pretty good possibility.

We spoke to therapist Susan Pease Gadoua and journalist Vicki Larson, authors of the eye-opening book, The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels, to get their insight. Here’s what Gadoua and Larson had to say.

1. One in two marriages end in divorce.

That 50 percent statistic is wrong and was based on a projected number that is far too outdated. I mean, the 1970s were 40 years ago, and a lot has changed since then. While divorce rates increased in the 1970s and 1980s, they’ve actually dropped in the last 20 years.

The New York Times found that 70 percent of marriages that occurred in the 1990s actually reached their 15th year wedding anniversary. Statistics also show that thanks to people marrying later in life, maturity is helping to keep people together longer. At the rate that things are going, there’s a good chance that two-thirds of marriages will stay together and divorce will be unlikely.

So if the divorce rate isn’t 50 percent, what is it? It really depends on when couples married, explains Vicki.

“Just under 15 percent of those who tied the knot in the 2000s have divorced, but many of those couples may not have had kids yet—kids add stress to marriage. Of those who married in the 1990s, 35 percent have split. Those who married in the 1960s and 70s have a divorce rate in the 40-45 percent range. And those who married in the 1980s are approaching a 50 percent divorce rate — the so-called gray divorce.”

2. Divorce harms children.

According to Gadoua, divorce can be stressful on kids, but not so much harmful. What does the most damage is parents fighting in front of the kids.

“Think about it. Who likes to be around conflict all the time? Tension is contagious and kids in particular don’t have the tools or defenses to handle angry exchanges from their parents. There is a great deal of research indicating that what children need more than anything is a stable and peaceful environment. That may be with parents living together, but it can also occur when parents are living apart.

The key is that parents get along and stay present for their children. Kids shouldn’t be caught in parental crossfire, used as a pawn or treated like a surrogate spouse. They should be able to relax and feel confident that their parents are in charge,” explains Gadoua.

3. Second marriages are more likely to end in divorce.

While statistically this is true, Living Apart Together (LAT) marriages and things like conscious coupling are changing that by challenging the conventional norms of how a marriage should be and providing more options for how married people can live their lives.

Gadoua and Larson encourage couples to explore those options fully.

“We’re all for you choosing a LAT marriage — or giving each other space in your existing marriage — because it offers you and your partner exactly what you want: connection and intimacy with enough freedom to avoid the claustrophobia that often comes with living together 24/7 as well as whatever it is that makes many people take each other for granted, whether they’re married or cohabiting.”

4. Divorce equals “failure.”

No way. Whether it’s a starter marriage (a marriage that ends within five years and doesn’t result in kids) or a marriage that has stood the test of time, divorce doesn’t mean you’ve failed.

“The only measure we have to determine whether a marriage is successful or not is by how long it lasts. Yet, there are many people who have healthier, better lives after divorce. Perhaps the couple has raised healthy kids who’ve flown the coop and now they want to take a different direction in their lives.

Why is that a failure? Look at Al and Tipper Gore. The media was clamoring to place the blame somewhere, yet there was no one and nothing to blame. Their marriage simply ended with both of their blessings,” say Gadoua and Larson.

5. Wedding size and cost relate to the length of a marriage.

The New York Times published a piece on the correlation between the size and cost of a wedding and its effect on the length of a marriage. While the authors of the study, Andrew Francis-Tan and Hugo M. Mialon, said that wedding expenses and marriage duration could be “inversely correlated,” they couldn’t pinpoint which wedding, expensive or inexpensive, would have a higher chance of divorce.

Gadoua and Larson agreed, in a roundabout way. Although lavish expenses on an engagement ring and a wedding could mean the marriage will start off with a lot of debt, and nothing strains couples more than money: “What our studies and what research by others seem to indicate is that personalities — being empathetic, generous, appreciative, etc.—and matched expectations are much better gauges of whether a marriage is going to last happily.”

6. You can (and should) divorce-proof your marriage.

As Larson wrote in an essay for WeVorce, “you can’t affair- or divorce-proof a marriage because you can’t control another person’s behavior, you can only control your own.”

When we asked her about this topic she explained: “You can’t control your partner’s behavior and if you could that would really dangerous! You can be the best possible spouse and do all the things relationships experts recommend — from dating your spouse to having great and frequent sex to being a supportive, appreciative partner — and still end up divorced.”

Larson also added that you shouldn’t even want to divorce-proof your marriage, because sometimes it’s healthier to let go and move on.

7. Living together before marriage lowers the chance of divorce.

It has often been said that those who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce, but recent studies say that’s not true.

A 2014 study by associate professor Arielle Kuperberg from the University of North Carolina at Greensboro found that contrary to myths that either living together or not living together before you’re married actually has nothing to do with whether or not those couples will divorce. In her research, Kuperberg found what really plays a role is just how young these people decide to cohabitate, because “settling down too young is what leads to divorce.”

LAT marriages also are throwing a wrench in the correlation between cohabitation and its effects on divorce. Couples, especially older ones, are choosing to live apart, but manage to keep their marriage very happy, healthy, and alive.

8. Infidelity breaks up marriages.

While it’s easy to say that infidelity is the major cause of marriages ending, that isn’t always the case.

As Eric Anderson, an American sociologist at England’s University of Winchester and author of The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love, and the Reality of Cheating, told Larson, “Infidelity does not break marriages up; it is the unreasonable expectation that a marriage must restrict sex that breaks a marriage up… I’ve seen so many long-term relationships broken up simply because one had sex outside the relationship. But feeling victimized isn’t a natural outcome of casual sex outside a relationship; it is a socialized victimhood.”

9. If you’re unhappy at a certain point in your marriage, you’re going to get divorced.

Marriage isn’t easy. It’s something that requires a lot of energy, understanding, and most importantly communication. Just because you’re unhappy at a certain point, doesn’t mean divorce is inevitable – every marriage has a bad patch.

But if that bad patch is more than just a patch and you’ve really given it your all, including attending couples counseling (“three or four sessions aren’t enough,” says Gadoua) for several months or a year, then maybe it’s time to call it quits. However, a short-lived unhappiness doesn’t warrant an end.

There’s no doubt about it: the shape of marriage is definitely changing. Gadoua and Larson discuss several alternative couplings that are becoming more mainstream in their book. These are two less-traditional marriages that are undoubtedly becoming more popular.

“LAT relationships are pretty big in Europe, especially Great Britain, and are also growing in the States. For young people, it generally is a reflection of the so-called emerging adulthood period, when they’re spending more time in school and building careers,” Vicki explains. “But for older people, who may be divorced or widowed, it’s more a reflection of their desire for commitment and freedom, and also, especially for women, a way to not fall into gendered patterns of housekeeping and caregiving.

As for couples who get together to co-parent, some may be romantic partners, but that’s not always the case. “There are websites like Modamily.com just for that purpose,” says Vicki. “We interviewed a couple that was committing to each other and their child for 18 years, with an option to renew, so they could give their child the stability and consistency children need to thrive.

Couples may even transition their traditional marriage into a parenting marriage. “Some couples that are not happy after kids come along and might have divorced in the past are opting to convert their marriage into a parenting marriage,” say Gadoua and Larson.

“They stay in the same home and remove the romantic equation from their partnership, which reduces conflict while allowing each of them to spend time with the children. This week alone, Susan helped two couples transfer their marriage from traditional to parenting.”

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Facebook: phicklephilly       Instagram: @phicklephilly       Twitter: @phicklephilly