If Your Partner Never Wants To Cuddle After Sex, Here’s How To Talk About It

Apart from enjoying the warm embrace of someone you’re into, cuddling after sex has its benefits. Mainly, your body releases the feel-good chemical oxytocin, often called “the cuddling hormone.” But no matter how good it feels for some people, cuddling after sex isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. Maybe your partner isn’t into the idea of pressing your hot, sticky, post-orgasm bodies together, and they just need time to cool down. Or perhaps cuddling feels a little too intimate, especially if you two are just friends with benefits. Your sexual partner could also have a completely different aversion to cuddling that you have no idea about.

Whatever the case may be, if you want to cuddle after sex and your partner never does, consider talking to them about it. Maybe you’ll change their mind and find a compromise. Maybe you won’t. But either way, unpacking why they seem to be uninterested in cuddling you after sex can help shed some light on what makes them tick, what your needs are as a duo, and how you can resolve issues in the bedroom together.

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Here’s what two sex and dating experts had to say about how to approach the post-coital cuddling conversation with everyone’s needs and well-being in mind.

There May Be Physiological Reasons Your Partner Doesn’t Want To Cuddle

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According to Shan Boodram, a certified sexologist and ambassador for sex toy brand TENGA, there are a number of reasons why someone might not want to cuddle right after sex — one being the “post-coital blues,” Boodram explains. Formally known as post-coital tristesse (PCT) or post-coital dysphoria (PCD), people who experience this condition often withdraw after sex or feel an intense comedown. Dr. Jessica O’Reilly, the resident sex and relationship expert for Astroglide, acknowledges that next to pre-existing sadness or trauma, your partner’s physiological reaction to sex could be why they’re feeling down. “Some folks feel sad after sex because of the hormonal and chemical high followed by such an intense release,” O’Reilly tells Elite Daily. “It can feel as though you’ve just come down from a high.”

Some people may crave physical affection if they’re feeling down after sex, and some people simply may not. “Instead of cuddling they may prefer to do something else to boost their mood like eat, watch something, be alone for a bit, or sleep,” Boodram tells Elite Daily.

Irene Fehr, a sex and intimacy coach, also cites post-orgasm tiredness as a reason why cuddling might not be on the menu for your partner. “Sex that is followed by orgasm — especially a strong, whole-body orgasm — can knock a person out and induce a strong desire to sleep right after the climax,” Fehr tells Elite Daily. “They may not want to cuddle or they may not be up for it physically if their desire to sleep is strong.” She also adds that cuddling might feel uncomfortable for some people because their bodies become hyper–sensitive after sex.

They Might Also Be Worried About Being Vulnerable With You

Apart from physiological reasons, your partner may be worried about the level of vulnerability cuddling after sex may invite. “The social implications of cuddling are a form of deep intimacy. So, in order to keep their own distance, or to ensure you can keep yours, they opt out of touch outside of the sexual act itself,” Boodram explains. Fehr agrees, saying, “When things slow down and you no longer have to do anything, cuddling after sex is a very tender, vulnerable activity — a time to put down your guard or performance, and face each other in the raw. It is intimate, and it can feel intimidating and scary for many people who might otherwise hide behind sexual performance or an emotional wall.”

Talk It Out In A Safe, Light-Hearted Way

There could be a chance your partner might feel differently about post-coital cuddling if you explain why it’s important to you, but you won’t know until you talk about it.

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When bringing this up to your partner, Fehr suggests you don’t have this conversation during sex or in the bedroom. “Timing this conversation during or after sex puts your partner into a highly vulnerable position to have to answer not only while they’re aroused or relaxed post-coitally, but also when they’re extra open,” she says. “In a way, it’s a manipulative tactic because it traps them.” Apart from not “trapping” your partner into this discussion, you also shouldn’t have what Fehr calls a “fly-by conversation,” meaning, one that takes place while you’re doing something else.

Instead, Fehr says, “Find a time when you both feel relaxed, calm, and present with each other.” Then ask them questions about what they prefer to do after sex and why, or about their boundaries and what would make them feel more comfortable. Ask them about their favorite parts of getting intimate and what defines good sex for them. Hopefully, your partner will ask you these questions back, Boodram says, which will allow you to express your needs, too.

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If They Want To Understand Where You’re Coming From, Work Together To Find Solutions

“Brainstorm to find a solution that works for both [partners], if both partners want to […] learn to get over the hurdle. This piece is important,” Fehr says. “Finding solutions only works if both partners want to find a solution.”

One way to approach this problem-solving is to draw from what your partner has told you about why they don’t like cuddling. If their reasons are physical, maybe there’s a way you can make them feel more relaxed and comfortable while cuddling. If the reasons are related to emotions or intimacy, see if there’s a way to make them feel safe or to slow things down. Fehr suggests trying out a short, non-sexual cuddling session as a trial run.

If They’re Not Interested in Problem-Solving, Ask Yourself The Hard Questions

There’s a chance that even after you express your desire to cuddle after sex, your partner still won’t be interested. Even though this can be frustrating, their feelings are valid. “Ultimately, it’s going to be very difficult for the person who needs post-coital cuddling to feel fully satisfied and complete with sex,” Fehr says. So, you will probably have to ask yourself if not cuddling after sex is something you can go without. Likewise, your partner will have to ask themselves if they can fulfill your needs, or if you’re asking too much.

Whatever the outcome of your conversation with your partner, approaching your talk with intimacy, patience, and understanding will be helpful. This could be a golden opportunity to reconnect as partners and really improve your sex life. Ad even if cuddling after sex seems like just a “small thing,” remember: Even the “small” things are always worth a conversation.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Listen to Phicklephilly LIVE on Spotify!

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Dating Is Better During Quarantine, and It Doesn’t Have to Change

Before COVID-19, Vaneet’s dating life was “pretty much non-existent.”

“Asking people out IRL only led to rejection,” the 28-year-old says. “Apps were just a constant stream of being ghosted. It was exhausting, and I practically gave up dating.”

While most of us have been going through unbearable dry spells and deeply missing human touch, Vaneet and other singles have been reveling in the changes coronavirus has brought to the dating scene, including the curtailing of hookup culture for the sake of public health. (Even now, as parts of the country begin to reopen in various phases, we should still proceed with caution when meeting up with strangers.)

“Hookup culture has never been my thing, and while I don’t like one-night-stands, I’ve found it difficult to find anything beyond that,” Vaneet says.

Not anymore. At the beginning of quarantine, Vaneet met someone he liked on Grindr, the popular hookup app for queer men. Men typically use the app to meet up for sex, but now, a lot of guys are using it to chat with each other. Since Vaneet and his partner couldn’t meet up when they started messaging, they’ve had the pleasure of getting to know each other without the pressure of sex on the table—something that almost certainly wouldn’t have happened before COVID-19. Vaneet texts them every day, and they have date nights at least once a week on Zoom. They’ll make a plan to meet up whenever it feels safe; maybe then they’ll have sex, or maybe they’ll keep on getting to know each other.

Since the pandemic began, some people are happy they haven’t had to travel 40 minutes (or more) by train to a bad or mediocre date, and that they’ve saved a bunch of cash instead of spending it on dinner, drinks, and a movie. But the forging of deeper connections with the downfall of hookup culture is one of the biggest reasons people say they’ve appreciated the COVID-19 dating experience.

Before the pandemic, Eden, 28, says she “didn’t like the speed at which dating progressed.” Usually, within minutes of messaging a guy on Hinge, he would ask to meet up.

“I just don’t like that,” she says. “Let me get to know you first.”

Now, she’s been getting to know men better. Their conversations are deeper. She talks about her childhood, her past romantic experiences, and what she’s looking for in a relationship.

These are important topics for potential partners to discuss, and quarantine naturally brings it out of us, according to Shadeen Francis, LMFT.

“Superficial conversations are likely not going to be enough for a ‘quarantine bae,’ as it is hard to build or maintain a long-distance connection without vulnerable communication,” she says. In other words, if you’re not having meaningful conversations with someone, you’re going to get bored or lose interest. And of course, building a relationship from personal and meaningful conversations leads to a personal and meaningful relationship.

Oscar Wong

For Gregory, 29, the universal challenge of the past few months has made it refreshingly easy to be vulnerable with people. For the first time in a long time, it’s socially acceptable to reply to “How are you doing?” with “Well, to be honest, not great.”

“Now that we have all gone through the collective trauma of COVID-19, and the more recent Black Lives Matter movement, we’ve been given the opportunity to really examine our biases, and that has made us more vulnerable and more likely to be done with putting up facades,” Gregory says.

Of course, dates can also be fun, he adds: “You can bond over the shared trauma of COVID-19, or scream about how insane the MollyIssa feud is on Insecure, or somewhere in between.”

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It’s unclear whether this slowed down process of getting to know another on a more personal and sincere level will continue when the world officially opens up. While we’re incredibly adaptive for our survival, we’re also creatures of habit, Francis says—which is why she predicts many of us will return to our old patterns of behavior.

“As effective as any coping or survival strategy might have been, if folks do not consider it a long-term lifestyle change they are wanting to invest their energy into, then they will return to their regularly scheduled programming,” she says.

Still, that doesn’t have to be the case for everyone. Vaneet is cautiously optimistic about transitioning into dating post-coronavirus, hoping people will be more willing to give him a chance and get to know him on a deeper level.

“I hope the pandemic has stressed the importance of human interaction,” he says. “Maybe people will be more willing to give others a chance and get to know someone more first. And maybe, just maybe, more people will be willing to shoot their shot and see what happens.”

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new book, Angel with a Broken Wing is now for sale on Amazon!

 

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly

Dating Is Better During Quarantine, and It Doesn’t Have to Change

Before COVID-19, Vaneet’s dating life was “pretty much non-existent.”

“Asking people out IRL only led to rejection,” the 28-year-old says. “Apps were just a constant stream of being ghosted. It was exhausting, and I practically gave up dating.”

While most of us have been going through unbearable dry spells and deeply missing human touch, Vaneet and other singles have been reveling in the changes coronavirus has brought to the dating scene, including the curtailing of hookup culture for the sake of public health. (Even now, as parts of the country begin to reopen in various phases, we should still proceed with caution when meeting up with strangers.)

“Hookup culture has never been my thing, and while I don’t like one-night-stands, I’ve found it difficult to find anything beyond that,” Vaneet says.

Not anymore. At the beginning of quarantine, Vaneet met someone he liked on Grindr, the popular hookup app for queer men. Men typically use the app to meet up for sex, but now, a lot of guys are using it to chat with each other. Since Vaneet and his partner couldn’t meet up when they started messaging, they’ve had the pleasure of getting to know each other without the pressure of sex on the table—something that almost certainly wouldn’t have happened before COVID-19. Vaneet texts them every day, and they have date nights at least once a week on Zoom. They’ll make a plan to meet up whenever it feels safe; maybe then they’ll have sex, or maybe they’ll keep on getting to know each other.

Since the pandemic began, some people are happy they haven’t had to travel 40 minutes (or more) by train to a bad or mediocre date, and that they’ve saved a bunch of cash instead of spending it on dinner, drinks, and a movie. But the forging of deeper connections with the downfall of hookup culture is one of the biggest reasons people say they’ve appreciated the COVID-19 dating experience.

Before the pandemic, Eden, 28, says she “didn’t like the speed at which dating progressed.” Usually, within minutes of messaging a guy on Hinge, he would ask to meet up.

“I just don’t like that,” she says. “Let me get to know you first.”

Now, she’s been getting to know men better. Their conversations are deeper. She talks about her childhood, her past romantic experiences, and what she’s looking for in a relationship.

These are important topics for potential partners to discuss, and quarantine naturally brings it out of us, according to Shadeen Francis, LMFT.

“Superficial conversations are likely not going to be enough for a ‘quarantine bae,’ as it is hard to build or maintain a long-distance connection without vulnerable communication,” she says. In other words, if you’re not having meaningful conversations with someone, you’re going to get bored or lose interest. And of course, building a relationship from personal and meaningful conversations leads to a personal and meaningful relationship.

Oscar Wong

For Gregory, 29, the universal challenge of the past few months has made it refreshingly easy to be vulnerable with people. For the first time in a long time, it’s socially acceptable to reply to “How are you doing?” with “Well, to be honest, not great.”

“Now that we have all gone through the collective trauma of COVID-19, and the more recent Black Lives Matter movement, we’ve been given the opportunity to really examine our biases, and that has made us more vulnerable and more likely to be done with putting up facades,” Gregory says.

Of course, dates can also be fun, he adds: “You can bond over the shared trauma of COVID-19, or scream about how insane the MollyIssa feud is on Insecure, or somewhere in between.”

This content is imported from {embed-name}. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

It’s unclear whether this slowed down process of getting to know another on a more personal and sincere level will continue when the world officially opens up. While we’re incredibly adaptive for our survival, we’re also creatures of habit, Francis says—which is why she predicts many of us will return to our old patterns of behavior.

“As effective as any coping or survival strategy might have been, if folks do not consider it a long-term lifestyle change they are wanting to invest their energy into, then they will return to their regularly scheduled programming,” she says.

Still, that doesn’t have to be the case for everyone. Vaneet is cautiously optimistic about transitioning into dating post-coronavirus, hoping people will be more willing to give him a chance and get to know him on a deeper level.

“I hope the pandemic has stressed the importance of human interaction,” he says. “Maybe people will be more willing to give others a chance and get to know someone more first. And maybe, just maybe, more people will be willing to shoot their shot and see what happens.”

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Buy my new book, Angel with a Broken Wing is now for sale on Amazon!

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly

If Your Partner Takes Forever To Text You Back, Here’s How To Talk To Them About It

I love texting. Wait, let me rephrase that: I am grateful for texting. That’s because I remember the barbaric dark ages when you used to have to actually call people. So much small talk, so many awkward moments when you would want to get off the phone but couldn’t because the other person was refusing to wrap it up. Fortunately for some, those dark days are over and now we can just skip all the chatter. However, even texting is not without little, ahem, irritating quirks, like being left “on read” or when your partner takes forever to text you back Here’s what to do when your partner takes a really long time to reply.

If you feel like your partner leaves your texts hanging regularly, it can be really frustrating. But is this something you can even address? If the two of you are in a healthy relationship, you should be able to talk to them about anything, so really the question is: How do you bring it up with them? To help with that, I reached out to NYC relationship expert Susan Winter and clinical psychologist Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., to weigh in on how long is too long to reasonably wait for a response, and what to do if your partner refuses to hear you out.

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How Long Should You Reasonably Wait For A Reply?

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I have to be honest — I am not exactly the most patient person. When I send a text, I really expect to hear back pretty much right away. But I also realize that’s not really fair, so the question is: How long should you wait for a reply from your partner? Winter says that all depends on a few factors. For instance, “If you’re in an exclusive relationship where there’s trust and a good sense of communication, a couple of hours would be OK — especially if your partner’s busy at work or traveling.” Winter says to only consider getting worried when you “already suspect something may be amiss in [your] relationship.” Additionally, she suggests noting when there’s “a break in the pattern. This can often be a red flag.”

Klapow too points out that circumstances and content really vary between relationships and individual messages — if someone’s in class or in an important meeting, you’re probably not going to get a response within five minutes, or possibly even an hour or two. “People text on different cadences depending on a couple of different factors,” he says, including what they’re doing and their own personal texting style. “One of the things I caution people is that there very often is a context to why they’re responding quicker or slower that may have nothing to do with you or their interest.”

But if your partner normally gets back to you pretty quickly and then starts letting hours pass, Winter says it’s understandable to get a little nervous. “This is especially the case if there’s no good reason for the delay. At this point it looks like a case of disrespect,” she says. “And anything longer than 12 hours begins to look like something far more problematic; an illness, a crisis, or direct avoidance.” Klapow, in turn, gives 24 hours as a start-to-worry mark.

How To Talk To Your Partner About It

Assuming that the delay in response is not just a one-off or isn’t accompanied by a good explanation, it’s reasonable to bring it up with your partner. Klapow advises opening the conversation in a non-accusatory way, with the purpose of seeking information. “I would communicate that you are wondering why there seems to be such a delay,” he says. He suggests questions like whether there are times that your partner just isn’t able to respond, or what they see as an appropriately timely texting response. The overall point, he says, is to understand each others’ communication style and expectations.

One thing not to do? Set a firm deadline for when they need to respond. “Before you set quotas on how much time or how quickly [to respond],” he says, “you need to understand your partner more.”

Winter offers some suggestions on how to initiate a conversation about how your partner’s “habitual problem of being tardy with their texts … makes you feel.” She suggests:

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“When you don’t respond to me, I feel like a non-priority. That hurts.”

“When it takes a couple of hours to hear back from you, I feel diminished and unimportant to you.”

“It really makes me happy when you text me back right away. It makes me feel closer to you.”

Focusing on the effect it has on you, rather than coming at them with an accusatory tone, will help prevent them from going on the defensive and make them more likely to hear you out.

Another important thing to consider? How you’ve been texting them. If you’re spamming them with texts in a short time, or asking three questions all at once in a four-inch-long block, your partner might not have the ability to respond quickly or with an in-depth text. “Those are the kinds of things that sometimes are hard for people to process,” Klapow says. “And that should be part of your conversation.”

Here’s What To Do If Nothing Changes

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If nothing changes after you’ve spoken to your partner about how you feel, Winter says you may want to first try digging a little deeper in order to see if you can get at the cause of why they are lagging in getting back to you.

“Ask your partner why they don’t bother to respond,” suggests Winter. “Is it that they hate texting? Is there a reason for the conscious neglect of a response?” She adds that it’s important to “explain that you’re not trying to monitor their activity. You’re trying to establish a natural and fluid flow of communication that reflects mutual respect for each other,” adding, “Explain that a timely response acknowledges your text and makes for a happy partnership.”

“Make it about the relationship,” Klapow advises, instead of something your partner has supposedly done wrong. “This has to do with how you communicate. He points out that if someone simply ignored or didn’t reply to a question in person, it would be unacceptable. “You wouldn’t just not say anything. You might say, ‘I’m busy, can I answer you in 10 minutes?’ … Texting sort of works the same way.”

The question now is: If your partner isn’t changing their texting behavior, is it a relationship killer? Winter says it really depends. For example, “if the only place your relationship is suffering is in the ‘text realm,’ you may still be fine. Every relationship has its issues. If you know your partner loves you (yet has this quirk), you may just have to suck it up. Or, suggest they call you.” However, it can also be a symptom of a larger problem in the relationship, one worth taking a deeper look at. “A lapse in communication is only an issue when it’s the tip of the iceberg,” says Winter. “If this is one of many issues where you find yourself disrespected and marginalized, then do yourself a favor and reevaluate your partnership.”

One final thing to consider: Is this just an issue of them being a little tardy in answering you? Or is it really just another symptom of a more serious problem in the relationship? Really, only you can answer that question, but it may mean facing truths that you’ve been avoiding. But the bottom line is that you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel valued and respected. So, find that person, and you’ll likely find that all the texting stuff falls into place. But seriously though, don’t leave me “on read.”

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Listen to Phicklephilly LIVE on Spotify!

Facebook: phicklephilly       Instagram: @phicklephilly       Twitter: @phicklephilly

Be Unfuckwithable: 5 Solid Ways To Be More Resilient

Things will go wrong. It always does. That doesn’t mean you have to hide in the corner and start crying again. You can burn the darkness and overcome all this shit right now. All you have to do is be Unfuckwithable.

The world is a crazy place, and right in the middle of it all if you, trying to make a decent go of things.

Then life starts fucking with you. Messing up your plans. Letting you down. Throwing a drink in your face.

Not just life, but people too. Yeah, actual humans who come along with their own ideas and plans and who aren’t backward in telling you how to do things or where you’re going wrong.

It’s not fair.

So when life starts fucking with you, wouldn’t it be cool to be a little bit more…unfuckwithable?

A bit more resilient. A bit less fragile. A whole lot more confident. Because then, you could do more of what you want rather than feeling like you’re dealing with obstacle after obstacle.

Well, is this your lucky day, because here are five ways you can be more unfuckwithable, starting right now.

1. Get Real With Yourself

You can’t be unfuckwithable while you’re fucking yourself over. So, first of all, you have to get real with yourself.

The things you’re pushing away need to be faced. The things you’re denying the need to be accepted. The things you don’t want to think about the need to be welcomed in.

This is not easy, not by a long stretch. It takes courage and it takes time. But squaring up to how you’ve been doing yourself a disservice is essential, otherwise, there’s a whole universe of things that will keep fucking with you.

It starts with a little honesty. Some real, bare, honesty that shines a light on the things that you’re trying to keep in the dark. These don’t need to be big, life-changing secrets, like being with the wrong person, denying your sexuality or not facing grief. They can be smaller, more subtle things like a fear of intimacy, shame about being an introvert or not facing up to an issue in your family.

You have to get real with yourself, no matter what you do with what you find. Call it tough love, but it is love. A radical act of love towards yourself to own who you are and where you are.

 

2. Tell Better Stories

The stories you tell yourself will fuck with you longer and deeper than anyone else ever will.

When you tell yourself the story that “other people are better at this than me”, you’ll feel on the back foot and not good enough. When you tell yourself the story that you need to “fit in”, you’re prioritizing the safety of not be singled out over bringing everything you’ve got to the moment you’re in. And when you tell yourself the story that “I can’t screw up or fail”, you’ll never risk much of anything and never gain much of anything.

Your stories shape your experience. When you start telling yourself better stories, you get a better experience.

Your brain constructs stories that fit its MO to minimize risk, maximize reward. Anything that keeps you safe stops you from being rejected or keeps you from risking failure is all the reward it needs. So those are the stories it tells you.

But there are different stories. Better stories. Like the one about how you’ll be okay, no matter what happens. Or the one where you’re greater than the sum of your parts and can learn and grow in ways that means to you. Or the one where you’re already worthy of love and belonging.

A huge part of being unfuckwithable is seeing the stories you tell yourself that fuck you over, then finding new stories that serve you better.

 

3. Park the Drama

Drama is for the Kardashian-loving, opinion-spewing, self-important fools of the world.

Drama is mired in detail. He said, she said. Who did what? Who didn’t do what? Who likes who. Who hates who. The real problem is. What should have happened is. I can’t believe they did that. And then what happened is. And then. And then. And then. And then. And then.

When you’re in the drama, all you can see is the endless, rolling, tumultuous detail and how unfair it all is. It puts you in a place where the whole world is fucking around and not listening to you. It puts you in a place where you’re endlessly fucked with.

The drama keeps you busy while your view of what really matters gets clouded. And it’s the stuff that matters to you—whether it’s love, creativity, contribution, laughter, connection or whatever else—that makes life rich with texture and possibility.

Being unfuckwithable means elevating yourself above the stuff that keeps fucking with you. Go to where the meaning is, not the trivial. Go to where the potential is, not the problems. Go to where the vision is, not the vultures.

 

4. Engage, don’t struggle

How many times in your life have you struggled against where you found yourself? A relationship that didn’t feel right or took an unwanted swerve. A job that bored you or kept you feeling stuck. Or a life that seems to be a string of “almosts” and struggles to come into focus.

It sure seems like life is a struggle for a lot of people, but I wonder about that. I wonder about the idea of struggle as a noble or necessary thing. The idea that you’re like a beleaguered soldier, trying to do what’s right and battling against all the stuff out there that’s against you.

It sets up conflict right from the start. You against the world, in a forceful effort to get free of constraint or resist attack. It’s a conflict that’s not just exhausting but fucks with how you see yourself and how you see your place in the world.

So don’t struggle, engage. When you find yourself in a situation or circumstance that you’d rather not be in, own it. Welcome it. Love it.

Because it’s only when you love the hell you’re in that you get to make choices based on the best of you rather than your worst.

It’s only when you drop the weighty and frustrating “Why me…?” and start the weightless and freeing “Now then…” that you get to make good choices based on the fact that you’re already whole and worthy of love and belonging.

So fuck struggling. Engage.

 

5. Take a stand

Taking a stand is that thing you do when someone or something comes at you and asks you to step aside. Literature, movies, and history are filled with people who did it—Martin Luther King. Erin Brockavich. Captain America. Mother Theresa. Harry freakin’ Potter.

Of course, if your spine happens to made from damp socks then you’ll fold quicker than Superman on laundry day.

Rolling over instead of taking a stand for something that matters to you does 3 things:

• diminishes your sense that you can have a meaningful impact
• sets up patterns of behaviour where people-pleasing and fitting in is more important than making a decision that matters
• fucks with you

Now, this doesn’t mean that you always have to come out swinging, that you have to transform a community or save the world. Taking a stand might simply be saying “No” when you’re asked to work the weekend because you want to spend quality time with someone you love. It might mean prioritizing a personal project (getting fit, writing a book, setting up a business) over slouching in front of the TV. Or it might mean making a choice towards gratitude and wholeheartedness instead of cynicism and judgment.

Say no when you need to. Face a challenge when it’s right to. Be responsible when it’s easier not to. Because when you know what really matters to you, and that includes what you will and won’t compromise on, you can’t be fucked with.

 

So many ways to fuck with yourself

There are so many more ways you get to fuck with yourself. Trying to self-validate your identity by people-pleasing and being a bottomless pit. Chasing an unchallenged notion of success because that’s what you’ve been told or trained to do. Not owning your story or your self because there’s something there that makes you uncomfortable or challenges your beliefs, only to find that same lack of ownership is exactly what’s keeping you stuck.

With all these ways to fuck with yourself, it’s a miracle you get anything done.

But you do get things done. You have times when you do something that gives you the warm fuzzies because, well, it just matters. You have times when you smash through a challenge because you bring your best to it and do what comes naturally. And you have times when you connect with someone deeply or laugh yourself silly because you accept the fact that you’re already enough.

Acceptance over denial. Ease over struggle. Integration over separation.

This is how you stop fucking with yourself and start living.

 

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If Your Partner Takes Forever To Text You Back, Here’s How To Talk To Them About It

I love texting. Wait, let me rephrase that: I am grateful for texting. That’s because I remember the barbaric dark ages when you used to have to actually call people. So much small talk, so many awkward moments when you would want to get off the phone but couldn’t because the other person was refusing to wrap it up. Fortunately for some, those dark days are over and now we can just skip all the chatter. However, even texting is not without little, ahem, irritating quirks, like being left “on read” or when your partner takes forever to text you back Here’s what to do when your partner takes a really long time to reply.

If you feel like your partner leaves your texts hanging regularly, it can be really frustrating. But is this something you can even address? If the two of you are in a healthy relationship, you should be able to talk to them about anything, so really the question is: How do you bring it up with them? To help with that, I reached out to NYC relationship expert Susan Winter and clinical psychologist Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., to weigh in on how long is too long to reasonably wait for a response, and what to do if your partner refuses to hear you out.

How Long Should You Reasonably Wait For A Reply?

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I have to be honest — I am not exactly the most patient person. When I send a text, I really expect to hear back pretty much right away. But I also realize that’s not really fair, so the question is: How long should you wait for a reply from your partner? Winter says that all depends on a few factors. For instance, “If you’re in an exclusive relationship where there’s trust and a good sense of communication, a couple of hours would be OK — especially if your partner’s busy at work or traveling.” Winter says to only consider getting worried when you “already suspect something may be amiss in [your] relationship.” Additionally, she suggests noting when there’s “a break in the pattern. This can often be a red flag.”

Klapow too points out that circumstances and content really vary between relationships and individual messages — if someone’s in class or in an important meeting, you’re probably not going to get a response within five minutes, or possibly even an hour or two. “People text on different cadences depending on a couple of different factors,” he says, including what they’re doing and their own personal texting style. “One of the things I caution people is that there very often is a context to why they’re responding quicker or slower that may have nothing to do with you or their interest.”

But if your partner normally gets back to you pretty quickly and then starts letting hours pass, Winter says it’s understandable to get a little nervous. “This is especially the case if there’s no good reason for the delay. At this point it looks like a case of disrespect,” she says. “And anything longer than 12 hours begins to look like something far more problematic; an illness, a crisis, or direct avoidance.” Klapow, in turn, gives 24 hours as a start-to-worry mark.

How To Talk To Your Partner About It

Assuming that the delay in response is not just a one-off or isn’t accompanied by a good explanation, it’s reasonable to bring it up with your partner. Klapow advises opening the conversation in a non-accusatory way, with the purpose of seeking information. “I would communicate that you are wondering why there seems to be such a delay,” he says. He suggests questions like whether there are times that your partner just isn’t able to respond, or what they see as an appropriately timely texting response. The overall point, he says, is to understand each others’ communication style and expectations.

One thing not to do? Set a firm deadline for when they need to respond. “Before you set quotas on how much time or how quickly [to respond],” he says, “you need to understand your partner more.”

Winter offers some suggestions on how to initiate a conversation about how your partner’s “habitual problem of being tardy with their texts … makes you feel.” She suggests:

“When you don’t respond to me, I feel like a non-priority. That hurts.”

“When it takes a couple of hours to hear back from you, I feel diminished and unimportant to you.”

“It really makes me happy when you text me back right away. It makes me feel closer to you.”

Focusing on the effect it has on you, rather than coming at them with an accusatory tone, will help prevent them from going on the defensive and make them more likely to hear you out.

Another important thing to consider? How you’ve been texting them. If you’re spamming them with texts in a short time, or asking three questions all at once in a four-inch-long block, your partner might not have the ability to respond quickly or with an in-depth text. “Those are the kinds of things that sometimes are hard for people to process,” Klapow says. “And that should be part of your conversation.”

Here’s What To Do If Nothing Changes

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If nothing changes after you’ve spoken to your partner about how you feel, Winter says you may want to first try digging a little deeper in order to see if you can get at the cause of why they are lagging in getting back to you.

“Ask your partner why they don’t bother to respond,” suggests Winter. “Is it that they hate texting? Is there a reason for the conscious neglect of a response?” She adds that it’s important to “explain that you’re not trying to monitor their activity. You’re trying to establish a natural and fluid flow of communication that reflects mutual respect for each other,” adding, “Explain that a timely response acknowledges your text and makes for a happy partnership.”

“Make it about the relationship,” Klapow advises, instead of something your partner has supposedly done wrong. “This has to do with how you communicate. He points out that if someone simply ignored or didn’t reply to a question in person, it would be unacceptable. “You wouldn’t just not say anything. You might say, ‘I’m busy, can I answer you in 10 minutes?’ … Texting sort of works the same way.”

The question now is: If your partner isn’t changing their texting behavior, is it a relationship killer? Winter says it really depends. For example, “if the only place your relationship is suffering is in the ‘text realm,’ you may still be fine. Every relationship has its issues. If you know your partner loves you (yet has this quirk), you may just have to suck it up. Or, suggest they call you.” However, it can also be a symptom of a larger problem in the relationship, one worth taking a deeper look at. “A lapse in communication is only an issue when it’s the tip of the iceberg,” says Winter. “If this is one of many issues where you find yourself disrespected and marginalized, then do yourself a favor and reevaluate your partnership.”

One final thing to consider: Is this just an issue of them being a little tardy in answering you? Or is it really just another symptom of a more serious problem in the relationship? Really, only you can answer that question, but it may mean facing truths that you’ve been avoiding. But the bottom line is that you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel valued and respected. So, find that person, and you’ll likely find that all the texting stuff falls into place. But seriously though, don’t leave me “on read.”

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new book, Angel with a Broken Wing is now for sale on Amazon!

 

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15 Signs You’re Not In A Real Relationship

I get lots of letters for my “Dear Wendy” advice column from readers who are in ambiguous relationships. Sometimes they’ve been out a few times with someone but never end the date with anything more than a friendly handshake or quick peck on the cheek — or worse, an air kiss. Other times, the dates are a little more touchy-feely, but they’re few and far between with little to no communication between. And then, of course, there are the letters from people who only see their “significant others” at night, without much warning, and never in public. Hello, booty call! After the jump, I present to you the biggest tell-tale signs that it’s not a real relationship.

It’s not a real relationship if …

1. You don’t know his last name.

2. You haven’t seen him in the light of day.

3. You’ve known each other less than two weeks.

4. Your friend asks what color hair your boyfriend has and you say, “I’m not sure. He’s wearing a hat in his profile picture.”

5. You’ve only been out once.

6. You’re both in town for New Year’s Eve, but you aren’t sure if you’re spending it together.

7. He’s on Facebook everyday, but his profile still says he’s in a relationship with someone else.

8. You ask what he wants for Christmas and he says he’s only exchanging gifts with people he’s closest to this year.

9. You ask what his New Year’s resolution is and he says, “Quit using people just for sex.”

10. You’ve never gone out in public together.

11. He wears a wedding ring and he’s not married to you.

12. You have no idea where he lives.

13. You’ve never spent a single Friday or Saturday night together.

14. You send a text message and he replies, “Who’s this?”

15. You’ve never been sober together.

 

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18 Dirty Movies On Netflix For Couples To Watch On Date Night

Netflix isn’t just for marathoning New York-set comic book adaptations and cherry-picking the most comforting episodes of your favorite sitcoms. The streaming service also has a nice cache of romantic movies that drift towards the sensual. So when you’re spending an evening in with your significant other, there’s no reason to look to outlets that specialize in that kind of thing. Netflix subscribers can access lots of sexy films — some unrated — with just their regular monthly membership fee. But since some of these movies are foreign-made, independent, or otherwise off-the-beaten path, you may not come across them while casually browsing. So here’s a helpful primer of 18 dirty movies on Netflix that couples can watch on date night.

You may have seen a few of these movies already. Some were major theatrical releases; others are critically acclaimed. But I hope you’ll find some hidden treasure in this list of psychological dramas, hotter-than-average romantic comedies, and pleasantly silly erotic thrillers. With these movies, you and your partner can lose yourself in another romance for a while, experience something new together, and ideally be inspired to get creative and stay connected. You could watch these 18 Netflix movies alone, but wouldn’t it be more fun if you had some company?

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1. Y Tu Mama Tambien

Movieclips Trailer Vault on YouTube

Childhood friends Gael Garcia Bernal and Diego Luna broke out in this life-affirming road movie about two bros who take a trip with a mysterious older woman and end up shattering the boundaries between them.

2. Nymphomaniac, Volume 1

Movieclips Coming Soon on YouTube

This Lars Von Trier sex odyssey is not for the faint of heart, and probably requires a pre-game talk to make sure that both of you are on board with what you’re about to see.

3. Nymphomaniac, Volume 2

Movieclips Trailers on YouTube

Ditto on this second installment, which continues the story of the first. The director’s work is an acquired — or, in some cases, never acquired — taste, so if you weren’t down with Volume 1, Volume 2 will just give you more of the same.

4. Last Night

Movieclips Trailers on YouTube

Kiera Knightley and Sam Worthington have a blissful marriage in this romantic drama by writer/director Massy Tadjedin. But they learn the limits of their happiness when they each have the opportunity for a extramarital tryst. Eva Mendes and Guillaume Canet costar.

5. Clouds Of Sils Maria

IFC Films on YouTube

Kristen Stewart is the assistant managing the charged rivalry between an aging beauty (Juliette Binoche) and the ingenue threatening to replace her (Chloe Grace Moretz). The sexual tension is palpable across all three of them.

6. Blue Is The Warmest Color

Movieclips Trailers on YouTube

Infamous for its lengthy and realistic sex scenes, Blue Is The Warmest Color is also a touching and troubling story about all-consuming first love. Léa Seydoux and Adèle Exarchopoulos were both celebrated for their performances and the film won the coveted Palme d’Or at Cannes.

7. Newness

Film Trailer Zone on YouTube

Like Crazy filmmaker Drake Doremus brings his dreamy style to a feature about apps, hookup culture, open relationships, and the millennial pressure to want to participate in all of those things. Nichola Coult and Laia Costa lead the 2017 film.

8. Ibiza

Netflix on YouTube

This Netflix original comedy about three girlfriends who take a trip to Spain includes a sexy romantic subplot between Harper (Gillian Jacobs) and a hot DJ played by Richard “King in the North” Madden.

9. Love

Romantic Entertainment on YouTube

Gaspar Noé’s erotic drama isn’t particularly positive or heartwarming, but it has sensuality in spades as one man remembers his rollercoaster relationship with the love he lost.

10. You Get Me

JoBlo Movie Trailers on YouTube

This trailer about badly behaving teens (including Bella Thorne and Halston Sage) features lots of partner switching, lies, and artfully constructed drama. And pools!

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11. Indiscretion

GRANFALLOON on YouTube

This erotic TV thriller isn’t good, by any means, but sexual obsession and a forbidden tryst add some excitement. If you’re not necessarily looking for a compelling plot, this will do the trick.

12. Below Her Mouth

Below Her Mouth – Trailer on YouTube

Despite boasting an all-female crew, this sexually-charged drama about a same-sex affair has only a 22% aggregate rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Those less-than-great reviews include descriptions like “an undeniably steamy effort” and “sexually frank,” so at least you know what you’re getting.

13. God’s Own Country

BritFlicks.Com on YouTube

A British sheep farmer and a Romanian migrant worker find a connection against the stark backdrop of a farm in this Sundance breakout by first-time feature director Francis Lee.

14. Palm Trees In The Snow

MiamiFilmFestival on YouTube

There’s nothing like a long, weepy, bodice-ripping historical drama to put you in the mood. (If you’re still awake by the end of it.)

15. Bull Durham

Movieclips Classic Trailers on YouTube

Whether you’re into baseball or not, you’ll be seduced by this very sexy rom-com about a love triangle between a rookie (Tim Robbins), the catcher who’s supposed to get him up to speed (Kevin Costner), and a super-fan (Susan Sarandon)

16. Blue Valentine

Movieclips Classic Trailers on YouTube

While, yes, you do have to watch the relationship between Michelle Williams’ and Ryan Gosling’s characters implode, you also get to watch the start of it, when their chemistry overwhelmed and no problem seemed too big to overcome.

17. Ex Machina

A24 on YouTube

The literal self-actualization of the femme A.I. played by Alicia Vikander is very sexy, as she blows past her creator’s hope for her and takes control of her life. As man-made as it is, it can’t stay that way.

18. Duck Butter

1091 on YouTube

Two women played by Alia Shawkat and Laia Costa (on the list for a second time) decide to test their instant chemistry by having sex every hour, on the hour, for a full day. Will it push their relationship to the next level, the way they hope?

And that’s your next 18 date nights planned. The couple that streams together stays together.

 

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I’m a ‘Sugar Baby’ Who Gets Paid $500 Per Date – Here’s What It’s Really Like To Date Sugar Daddies And Get Cash, Gifts, And 5-Star Hotel Stays

• A freelance writer in her early 30s is sharing her experience as a “sugar baby.”
• The writer, who has been granted anonymity to protect her identity, said sugar daddies pay her upwards of $500 for a date with her.
• She also receives gifts like shoes and clothing, trips across the US, and access to five-star hotels and fancy restaurants.
• Read on for a firsthand look at what it’s like to be a sugar baby, from the way she vets potential sugar daddies to how she spots a scammer online.
• Visit Business Insider’s homepage for more stories.

Six months ago, I decided to become a sugar baby.

My reasoning was simple. I’d grown frustrated with dating men in my city — maybe I’d just had one too many Tinder dates end in mediocre conversation. My day job offers me control over my schedule, since I don’t work a traditional 9-to-5. I wanted to supplement my income and have some fun doing it, so I decided to try finding a sugar daddy.

For the uninitiated, “sugaring” is a form of dating in which one partner financially supports the other, often in the form of cash or gifts. As a woman in a major city with an appreciation for societal deviance, I figured the lifestyle might suit me well.

Whether it was exhaustion of millennial swiping, or maybe the thrill of experiencing life outside my usual means, I found myself creating a profile on the primary website for sugaring connections — SeekingArrangement.

In the half-year since then, I’ve met some highly interesting people — not to mention I’ve received thousands of dollars in cash, trips across the country, access to five-star hotels and restaurants, and expensive gifts like shoes and clothing I never could have ordinarily afforded.

Read on for a firsthand look at what it’s really like to be a sugar baby.

Before I found my first sugar daddy, I needed an idea of why I was sugaring

Syda Productions/Shutterstock

Like with regular dating, if you dive into the sugaring lifestyle without an idea of what you want, you’re likely to be disappointed.

Do you want a cash allowance, and do you have a set amount in mind? Is it certain bills you want covered? Do you want gifts, shopping, and travel? Having a clear idea of what kind of “sugar,” or exchange, you want for the relationship is key.

How about the actual dating part — do you like dating older men? Because sugar daddies tend to be older than the women they date. How much time do you want to spend with your sugar daddy? And does your current lifestyle give you the freedom to do so?

In my short time as a sugar baby so far, men have paid me $500 per date and bought me designer clothes, $400 dinners, and stays at 5-star hotels I could never afford on my own

Robert Kneschke / Shutterstock

In the six months since I became a sugar baby, I’ve started relationships with men who pay me $500 per date and have purchased me shoes and outfits from designers I could never afford on my own. I dined at restaurants where the bill was $400, and we’d still leave hungry. I spent weekends tucked away in five-star hotels, lazily ordering room service with cringeworthy markups.

While I enjoy expensive dinners and staying in fancy hotels, ultimately I was searching for a friendly relationship that provides a cash allowance. Some men don’t wish to provide an allowance, and I avoid meeting and dating those men, often called “experience daddies.”

It’s worth noting you should never become a sugar baby just for the money

AP Photo/Keith Srakocic

If you’re considering sugar dating solely for the money, it will be much more stressful, since it’ll become a second job.

Sugar dating amplifies the faults of regular, or “vanilla,” dating. You may receive messages from, go on first dates with, and be ghosted by far more men than in vanilla dating. And it’s a bad idea to depend on sugar as a primary source of income, because there’s never really any guarantee of stability.

Additionally, financial desperation makes you vulnerable to malicious men who have no intentions to provide sugar, or it might influence you to date men you otherwise wouldn’t consider having a relationship with.

 

 

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If You Have These 10 Traits, You’re Girlfriend Material

 

What makes the perfect girlfriend? Is she the girl next door with gorgeous good looks and double-Ds? Well, not exactly.

Contrary to what you might think, most guys aren’t looking for a supermodel. They’re just looking for their perfect match: a woman who’s down-to-earth, sweet and sensitive to his needs.

Here are 10 attractive traits that every man keeps in mind when deciding if the woman (ie. you) sitting across the dinner table from him at that first date is girlfriend material.

1. You’re confident.

Take it from the guys, nothing is sexier than a woman who’s comfortable in her own skin. If you’re guilty of meekly asking lines like: “Does this skirt make my thighs look fat?” … stop asking. If you’re constantly needing his reassurance that you’re beautiful, he may start asking questions himself.

2. You’re smart.

Acting like a bimbo loses its novelty to men after high school. What men want in a girlfriend is a woman who can stand as his equal. So be the smart, savvy woman you are! To him, it’s a total turn-on.

3. You’re not into material things.

Yes, he wants to be your knight in shining armor. And yes, he wants to treat you like the princess you are … but that doesn’t give you license to act like one.

Allow him the luxury of treating you with romantic dinners and surprise baubles without having to demand them of him. He’ll be relieved that he doesn’t have to try so hard and surprisingly, this will inspire him to rise to the occasion when he doesn’t have to dedicate his whole paycheck to lavish tokens of his love for you.

4. And you appreciate doing things spur of the moment.

One of the first things to go in a relationship is the spontaneity. You get stuck in your Friday night dinner dates and you lose that spark you had when you first started dating each other. Don’t lose it! Men love a woman who can do things spur-of-the-moment (like grabbing him by the shirt collar and pulling him into the bedroom before he goes to work for some morning fun?).

5. Relaxing is perfectly OK too.

What’s one of the best things you can do for your relationship with him? Relax. Just relax.

When you come home from a long, hard day at work and see those dishes piling up in the sink, we know you have the urge to lash out at him. Instead, try to let it go for the night. No man likes a nag and every man likes a woman who can let her hair down and doesn’t sweat the small stuff.

We’re not saying to just kick back and bro out with him, but a relationship is solid when you’re able to relax with each other.

6. You’re not too serious.

Guys like a girl who laugh at their jokes, but isn’t mindless and isn’t always serious about everything.

Just as we mentioned that men like a woman who can forgo nagging him about the dishes, they like a woman who can joke about the dishes too. Biting remarks and snappy comebacks are just the witty repartee to keep the spark between you in your relationship. And hey, isn’t laughter the best aphrodisiac?

7. And you know how to be sensuous.

We’ve already mentioned before that it’s not all about your looks (albeit, that’s a good motivator for some men) — it’s more about an air of sexiness and confidence that will draw his eyes to you when you enter the room. Embrace your femininity. Ditch the sweatpants for date night and take the extra ten minutes to pull the LBD from the back of your closet.

You shouldn’t feel pressured to strut around the bedroom in lingerie and high heels like a Victoria’s Secret angel every night, but you should feel comfortable in your own sexuality… and expressing that sensually to your man.

8. The truth is important to you.

If he can’t trust you — how can he ever see you as his girlfriend … and eventual spouse? Keep things open and honest in your relationship. A little white lie over flirty texts with an old guy friend from college can spiral out of control very quickly into a full-blown fight … and breakup.

9. And you’re not needy.

Dating a driven, passionate woman? So hot. Babysitting a stage five clinger? Not so much. No man wants a girlfriend they have to reassuringly text, call or visit every five minutes. Give him his poker night with the boys. Let him go golfing on a weekend. Learn to give your guy his space — or he may break up with you to get it.

10. You’ve got his back.

As cliché as it is, some men want to be caretakers … but even the strongest of men want a soft place to fall. He wants to know that you’ll support him and stand by him in his life choices, whether it’s changing careers or moving to a new city. Show your support in small gestures with a quick “I love you” text when he heads off for his morning commute and listen to him after a hard day’s work.

Be supportive — but not suffocating. The last thing you want is to remind him too much of his mother.

 

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