14 Cringeworthy Opening Lines Real Women Have Gotten IRL That Are Totally Shocking

Let’s be real: Flirting is not always easy. Whether you make a joke that totally doesn’t land or you ask someone out only to learn that they have a partner — making the first move can sometimes be tricky. Of course, when it comes to flirting with someone new, the line between endearingly awkward and full-blown terrible can be dangerous territory to tread. If someone doesn’t respect your personal space or if they get, like, uncomfortably sexual two seconds into talking — cringeworthy opening lines can make you never want to leave your house again.

Of course, if you’re trying to going out with your friends or even by yourself, you don’t need to let anyone crash your plans. If someone is trying to flirt and you’re not feeling it, it’s always OK to tell them to buzz off. (Do people still say that?) You’re obviously a beautiful flawless angel that anyone would be lucky to talk to, but that doesn’t mean that just anyone is allowed to talk to you if you’re not interested.

I asked 13 women for the most cringeworthy opening lines people have tried on them and, well, I may literally never get over what came next.

1. I NEVER LIKED MATH

You’re a nine out of 10, and I’m the one you need.

— Laura, 27

2. I’LL TAKE A RAIN CHECK

I know it’s the summer, but you’re guaranteed to get a full seven inches tonight.

— Kim, 24

3. NO, THANK YOU

This guy summoned my over with a finger gesture and then said, ‘I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole fist!’

— SupineProtoplasm

4. …I GOTTA GO

When I saw you my heart skipped a beat. Then it pumped blood to my corpora cavernosa, causing my penis to become erect.

— Aqquila89

5. I THINK MY UBER IS HERE

If I was an enzyme, I’d be DNA helices so I could unzip your genes.

— wuroh7

6. YOUR MOM WOULDN’T APPROVE

You smell like my mom.

— TheFifthMovement

7. I’M A SOLO HERO

I was working at a convenience store just off campus from the local college. Some jerk stumbled over from a dorm party one Friday night. He was trying way too hard to drunkenly flirt with me. I told him politely that I had a boyfriend. And he replies, ‘Dump the zero and go with the hero, baby.’ I couldn’t help myself. I laughed and laughed until he turned tail and left. It was so unbearably cringeworthy.

— Reina_Banana_Pug

8. CAN’T BUY CLASS

M’lady, I’m sure you’re sick of all these boys, so how about you give a man with class a chance?

— soccergirl13

9. JUST, NO.

 

Once a guy told me, ‘Miss, you got a body like a chocolate bar.’ I said, ‘So, I am flat on both sides.’ He looked confused for a minute and said, ‘No, chocolate bars can be fat like snickers.’ I said, ‘Are you calling me fat?’ He looked defeated and walked away.

— sawdustbrain

10. I THINK I NEED SOME SPACE

Ayo, girl there ’bout to only be eight planets cuz I’m gonna destroy Uranus.

— PmButtPics4ADrawing

11. I’LL STAY IN, THANKS

Hey girl, you’re like my appendix, I don’t know how you work, but this feeling in my stomach makes me wanna take you out.

— kingJoffi

12. I’M A FREELANCER

‘Are you an unemployed CEO?’ ‘No, why?’ ‘Because you look like you could use some company.’

— ratboid314

13. I’LL DANCE BY MYSELF, THANKS

 

I was once walking through a park when a cute guy approached me and struck up a conversation. He asked me to salsa dance, which I thought was kind of odd (and I turned down), and asked for my number (which I gave to him). We texted a bit but never met up afterward. Then, a full year later, I was walking through another park 10 minutes away, and the same guy approached me and asked me to salsa dance! I recognized him immediately and called him out on it. He showed me his contact list on his phone: it was full of girls’ first names with one-word descriptions (‘blonde,’ ‘redhead,’ ‘tall’) and rankings out of 10 — all girls he picked up in this exact same way. Obviously, I never went out with him after that, either.

— Hannah, 26

14. I’M NOT REALLY IN THE MOOD TO CHAT

I may not be the prettiest girl in here, but I’m the only one talking to you.

— jubileo5

 

From parties to bars, sometimes it feels like cringeworthy opening lines are everywhere. Of course, you deserve to go where you want to go without fighting off any unwanted attention. If someone’s trying to flirt and you’re not into it — it’s always OK to give them a big Thank U, Next. And if they’re not getting the message, it’s OK to “Next” them without thanking them at all.

 

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If Dating Apps Give You Texting Anxiety, Here’s What To Do

Imagine you match with a total snack on your favorite dating app, but after the excitement settles in, you started to feel a little nervous about actually talking to them. Do you message first? What do you say? How long do you wait to reply? Do you mention that you’ve already Googled them, know about their soccer podcast, and saw on Facebook that their high school girlfriend lived with your ex last summer? (Small world.) If dating apps give you texting anxiety, or if your brain starts to spiral once you’ve started messaging a cutie, you are certainly not alone.

Whether you can’t decide if you should send a sarcastic meme, a sincere response, or if you literally feel your insides rot as you wait for them to reply to you, it’s totally common to feel stressed about digital dating.

“For better and for worse, dating apps have become the new normal for dating. People no longer have to be vulnerable in person and approach strangers because they can use their phone to buffer a lot of the anxiety required to meet someone new,” Nicole Richardson licensed marriage and family therapist, tells Elite Daily. “It’s really common to feel some anxiety around how to put yourself out there in a way that will attract what you are looking for in return.”

It can be hard to know just how much to share with someone you just matched with. And when you want to make a good first impression, but you haven’t actually met IRL yet — it’s super easy to overthink every text or to want to appeara certain way to your date. Cue: Trying to seem “cute” and “chill,” and not “eating blue cheese crumbles from the container watching Sister Wives.” According to Claudia Cox, relationship coach, the texting anxiety you may feel on apps can be a product of overthinking how to make yourself seem a certain way (i.e. “cute” or “chill”).

“A lot of people try to avoid rejection by creating the perfect profile or the best response ever,” Cox says. “But you cannot control the uncontrollable — meaning someone else’s attraction to you.” Cox shares that with the inescapable role of texting in dating today — it’s common for singles to overthink their every message. And with the growing pressure to be chill(literally push me off a boat) there’s pressure to be interested, but not what Cox calls, “too interested.”

According to Richardson, though it may seem harmless to constantly message your date soon into matching, constantly communicating with someone you haven’t spent that much time with IRL can actually add to your anxiety. “Texting too much in the beginning is a mistake,” Richardson says. “It creates a false sense of intimacy and can make the first couple of interactions more difficult because you have a built up image of each other that is not necessarily the person you are interacting with.”

If you started messaging a potential boo on a dating app and switched to texting, you may find yourself constantly talking to someone who you haven’t even met yet. And though you may not realize it, you may be creating an idealized version in your head about who this person is. “There are singles who overly fantasize about someone after just looking at their profile — without even meeting them in person,” Cox says. “This creates anxiety as it builds the other person up into someone so amazing that you’re intimidated to communicate with them.”

If dating apps are giving you texting anxiety, the experts suggest being kind and patient with yourself, but ultimately remembering that the app is just an app. “Dating apps are just an introduction service,” Jennifer B. Rhodes, licensed psychologist and relationship expert tells Elite Daily. “If you have anxiety about an app, be compassionate with yourself, but try it out. The experience will likely give you valuable learning opportunities needed to help build your self confidence.”

For Thomas Edwards Jr., coach and founder of The Professional Wingman, the first step to nixing dating app anxiety is to see your dating app as just another form of social media. “Depending on where you are in your pursuit of a relationship, there can be a ton of attention given to these apps. The first thing to do is not put your dating app on a pedestal,” Edwards says. “The other thing to do is share your experience with others both online and off. This will not only put both of you at ease, but more importantly, your anxiety will diminish long-term as you continue to share.” If you’re feeling totally nervous about messaging a new cutie, according to Edwards Jr., sharing your nerves with them can actually put you both at ease. Rather than pressuring yourself to look cool or seem calm and collected, admitting to your date that dating makes you anxious or that texting keeps you up at night can ease budding dating app tension.

For Clarissa Silva, behavioral scientist and creator of Your Happiness Hypothesis Method, the best way to beat dating app anxiety is to remember that love has no formula. “Algorithms, apps, and sites don’t have any different odds at finding you love,” Silva tells Elite Daily. “Keep the focus on trying to explore if theyare a good fit.” Rather than scrutinizing how you’re appearing to them — according to Silva, it’s important to see how your date fits into your life too. If they don’t seem to have have a compatible sense of humor or if they never reply to your texts on time — rather than changing the way you talk or worrying about what they’re thinking about you — you may realize that you’re not super into them. “The only question anyone should look to answer is ‘Am I having fun with this person?'” Edwards Jr. says. “The only way to make that the only question, is to make sure you have fun no matter what.”

If you’re still feeling anxious about dating apps, though it may seem a little cheesy, the experts share the power of positive thinking. “Visualize yourself successfully flirting and meeting new people. Stay focused on the process, and don’t put your sense of worth into your ability to score a date with every person you message,” Cox says. “Remind yourself that the person you’re messaging might be nervous. You don’t know them, or their story yet. So, keep it fun and don’t fall into the assumptions trap!”

And if somethings feels a little off, or if texting someone is making you anxious, it’s always OK to turn your phone off and take a hot bath or go see a friend. “Don’t push yourself too hard. If something really doesn’t feel good to you, don’t do it,” Richardson says. “Do positive things for yourself and spend time with uplifting and positive people (it’s contagious).” According to Richardson, taking time away from dating apps to hike with friends, read a new book, or visit a cool museum can quell any texting stress. Additionally, finding IRL hobbies or doing fun things away from your phone can give you a ton of cool conversation starters with dating app potential boos. “If you need a little more calming, meditate and journal to let yourself get it out in a constructive way,” Richardson says.

Feeling texting anxiety from dating apps is completely normal. Dating can be super intimidating, and the world of apps can make it seem like there are simultaneously 10,000 people and zero people out there for you. If you’re feeling nervous about dating apps, try putting down your phone and doing something fun IRL. Visualizing yourself totally killing it on a first date can help nix any stress as well. At the end of the day, you are a flawless angel, and dating is supposed to be fun. And with some positive thinking, you can totally swipe left on any dating-app fueled texting anxiety.

 

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6 Worst Opening Lines On Dating Apps That Women Have Actually Gotten

Be they corny, crappy, or creepy, the worst opening lines on dating apps are always the ones that make you go, “Wow, I really matched with this person? Goodbye!” Coming up with the perfect opening line on a dating app is a science and an art. Yes, you’ve got to be intriguing — quirky, even if that’s your dating app vibe. But there’s a difference between being a bit offbeat or unconventional in your opening message, and straight-up uncomfortable.

If you’re not super experienced when it comes to crafting dating app openers, all you need to do is sit down and brainstorm some cute, clever things to say. Even a quick glance at a match’s profile is a good start: Ask about their city or about favorite foods, or even a “Would you rather?” type question. A nicely filled out dating app bio is literally an open book! It’s filled in with information so you can find the appropriate topics to broach with your potential f*ck buddy and/or love of your life. What you don’t do is skip over the socially acceptable realm of dating app small talk and skip straight to strange feelings, sh*tty compliments, or niche fantasies — sexual or otherwise. Here are six women on the most cringe-worthy dating app openers they’ve received.

Courtesy of Haley, 24

Unfortunately, the line — “Girl, you’re [looking] thicker than a bowl of oatmeal.” — is a reference to viral, heavily memed court case video, where the defendant was literally caught saying that to an undercover police officer. Not only does it have wack origin, it’s super forward! Clearly this man is horny on main. Haley, 24, literally had the right response.

“ARE YOU FROM MCDONALD’S? BECAUSE I’M LOVIN’ IT.”

Haley, 19, got this opener on Bumble. When asked if she had a screenshot, Haley said, “No, because I unmatched his *ss after he said he deserves my body.”

THE ONE ABOUT ONIONS

Courtesy of Bea*, 22

Apart from her love of indie music and rosé, Bea*, 22, did have a reference to onions in her Tinder profile. She included this cute, quippy little tidbit: “You know that part in Shrek where he said he was an onion because he had layers? Me A/F.” But she never said she liked onions. And what’s up with being worried about whether your Tinder match to make you cry?

A REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE COMPARISON

Courtesy of Ariana*, 25

“Love men who immediately go from negging to horny,” says Ariana*, 25. For those of you who don’t know, “negging” is the practice of offering someone a backhanded compliment. It’s often a tool to make someone vulnerable and get the upper hand in romantic or sexual endeavors.

“It is dismissive and degrading to the other person and can eventually undermine their self-confidence. Usually the person doing the negging is insecure in their ability to attract [someone] without putting them down,” dating coach Christine Baumgartner told Bustle.

“I WANT TO PAINT YOU GREEN AND SPANK YOU LIKE A DISOBEDIENT AVOCADO 🥑 😏”

This opener Charlotte, 22, received is truly the kind of sh*t that you can’t make up. There’s so much to unpack here. Why an avocado? Why not any other fruit? Or was he really just going for a millennial food? And in that case, there’s questions about whether he has sexual desires for oat milk, charcoal ice cream cones, hot wings, or anything sprinkled with turmeric, too. “Literally, so weird,” Charlotte says.

A REALLY INVOLVED COP SAGA

Courtesy of Kathryn, 23

Not only did this man slide into Kathryn’s, 23, DMs with the modern-day Bonnie and Clyde visuals. He later messaged her this: “You’re [student newspaper] writer… here’s a tip. The shooting TN: cop pulled over, man (non-SU student) started a confrontation, gun fight ensured, suspect dead, cop in stable condition.” Um, OK! “These may have been a few weeks apart, but the first one was awful and the second one was hilarious,” Kathryn says. Either way, maybe homeboy needs to tune into a police scanner for his kicks and get off Tinder.

While weird dating app openers are few and far in-between, here’s hoping they can give you a few laughs when you encounter them — and not make you swear off dating apps for life.

 

 

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Bailey – Chapter 4 – Second Date – Part 2

Bailey destroys her dinner. I’m sure she doesn’t know anyone like me that would ever take her to a place like this. She’s in the theater community. Like my ex Annabelle none of those losers have any money. I like her but I’m starting to think this has become another meal ticket for a chick on OkCupid.

I don’t want to think about that, but I do.

I think about how great my first date with Cherie was. There was chemistry and it was going somewhere. Even from the first date. Cherie wanted it more than me. That’s what we all need to find. Not this shit. Why am I cheating on Cherie with this novelty?

Because Cherie is rarely around. I like company. I’m in control of my life now. I compartmentalize everything and everyone. I can manage everyone around me. I am the Sun. All of my planets are fine and they never collide. I’m at the heart of my own solar system.

The sunny Leo.

I’ll navigate this little satellite as well.

Dinner’s great. She loves it and cleans her plate. Destroys the last of the appetizer I had no interest in. I feed her more chicken from my fork.

I thought we’d share a gelato flight but she went with one each. Double my bill. Thanks, Bailey.  The gelato was orgasmic and I knew I had touched her soul, but the gelato is so good at this restaurant all you need to do is show up and make sure you order the flight. She was so blown away by the mango I gave her mine just so she’d have more to enjoy.

Eating a flight of gelato at Gran cafe L’Aquila is like listening to a Beatles album. Every song makes you feel different.

When we’re all done I pause.

I took her hands. They’re soft, small and girlish. I caress her hands and it’s really nice. She says she has midget hands and I correct her and tell her soft girl hands are nice. It feels good to touch her. Hands tell a lot about a person and her’s are especially small, girlish and nice. (This is my favorite part of the date.)

“I remember when we met on Christmas Eve on our first date, Bailey. You were wearing all black and white. You were very stylish and it was a great look for you. I loved your top, the skirt, the patterned stockings, the boots. Really put together. Beautiful.”

“Oh, thank you!”

“Okay… So I was walking to work today, and I was thinking about you and that day and your outfit and how great you looked. ”

This is when I pulled the black bag from the floor and put it on the table. It’s plastic and she never saw this coming.

I push it to her and she opens it. She reaches inside and pulls out a beautiful black and white scarf. It’s one of these that’s shaped like an 8. Thick and soft. It’s been a cold winter and I think this is an appropriate 2nd date birthday gift for a girl I like.

I think you’d all agree with me.

Baliey is so grateful. It was an impulse buy while walking through Suburban Station today. It just looked perfect and great for her style. It goes over well. She goes to put it back in the bag and notices something else. A 4 pack of Black and Mild filtered cigars that I know she likes.  (This came up on the first date)  She’s ecstatic, and very gracious.

I like all of this and tonight’s second date has been a roaring success albeit a costly one for our hero.

I of course pay the $80 fucking bill and get our coats. I put hers on her and even pull her hair from the collar. I’m 55. She’s 28. Here I am. I know guys younger than me that are pulling their puds at home.

My life is fun and beautiful.

We get outside and she’s waiting for her UBER and fires up a Black and Mild. After tonight she seems a little more ghetto to me. Before she lights the cig I grasp her.

I kiss her.

It seems automatic and not passionate at all. I knew she owed it to me. But it was just a firm wooden bump of our lips. I felt that immediately. Not like me and Cherie. Certainly not like me and Ambria. What happened to the touching at Dan Dan? Where’s the energy? Hmm?

She chinks out her cig because her UBER is coming. Apparently it’s a big Mercedes with a woman driver. We cross 17th street at Chestnut and head to the front of Ruby Tuesdays.

The car is there and before she gets in she kisses me. But it’s still feels wooden and perfunctory. I don’t like that. But maybe I’m over analyzing.

But I’m too old for that, and where there’s smoke there’s some twenty-something stuffing her head and pouring water over your fire, Sir.

Because before this dinner there were plenty of kisses emojis and they have completely dried up.

As the door slams you say, “Text me to let me know you got home safe.”

But she doesn’t hear it, and her belly is full of $90 of food and gifts.

I never get that respectful text.

That’s critical people.

Girls, you have to do that if a man sends you home on a date. Huge mistake if you just go home and don’t tell him you’re home safe. That’s all he wants. You didn’t sleep with him. He just treated you like a queen and bought you appetizers, dinner, dessert and a scarf an cigs. A “Got home safe” would be nice just for the sake of manners.

I did get a message from her the next morning saying she would be able to go to the movies with me New years Day. She even sends a pic of her wearing the scarf I gave her.

Cute.

I tell her I’ll send her a list of films and she can pick and I’ll put it in the calendar.

So let’s see what happens…

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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‘JIBING’ Is The New Dating Trend That Will Make Your Next Hook-Up Infidelity Less Awkward

We’d all love to charm each other with minimal awkwardness. Unfortunately, much like smoke and fire, embarrassment is the inevitable flipside to excitement (you are – literally – putting yourself out there, after all).

This in mind there is a smooth new dating trend you need to try (or at least know about) if you want to eek the most out of your 21st-century existence: ‘jibing.’

However, to understand ‘jibing’ you must first understand ‘flatzoning’ – the evil stepbrother of ‘friendzoning.’ What’s that, you ask? As one of our D’Marge employees (who was recently ‘flatzoned’) anonymously admits, it is “the phenomenon of being homeless but f**kable.”

Before you (rightly) crucify us for such glib usage of the word “homeless,” we don’t mean literally living rough, we mean living somewhere you’d rather not be (think: your parents’ basement) but being denied when you apply to live somewhere else on the basis of your attractiveness.

+1 Photos

Instead of finding a flat, you find a friend with benefits, who doesn’t want to live with you because they think it could be awkward to live with someone they might like to date. Hence the term: ‘flatzoning,’ which, when you think about it, is the exact opposite to ‘friendzoning.’

Anyway, this leads into a broader trend of ‘jibing,’ which is the term given to people finding love on apps which are not meant for dating (think Flatmates, Gumtree, Facebook Marketplace, etc.).

To get the down-low on this phenomenon, we spoke to Dr Nikki Goldstein, a sexologist, relationship expert and host of the podcast Sex & Life, who recently had a friend engage in a little ‘jibing’ action herself.

“I have this friend where she was selling furniture on Gumtree and [this guy] rocked up to the door to buy something from her.”

“With these things,” Nikki continues, “the benefit is you already have their number so it takes the awkwardness away from asking for someone’s details.” So even though you might not know this person, you tend to have a smoother interaction with them than you would with a standard Tinder date.

“I think it happens… a lot. These apps and websites that are not meant for meeting people, but you meet people.”

So, how exactly does ‘jibing’ go down? According to Nikki, this is a classic ‘jibing’ scenario: “You don’t know who the person is but then they come to pick up that thing (or check the room) and there’s a connection.”

“The easy part about this is that it’s easier to text them and say, ‘Hey let’s get a drink sometime.’ The harder thing is when you see someone in person these days, think there’s a connection, and then have to ask for their number.”

But back to Nikki’s friend: not only is ‘jibing’ often easier than meeting people in a club or bar, but it can also be more natural than Tinder: “When he rocked up he wasn’t putting on some kind of front – there was no expectation of a date – so in that setting even though you might feel nervous because you like the person, it’s safe to say you’re probably not putting on a mask.”

“On a tinder date, on the other hand, you might not be yourself (and) you might not be chatty because you’ve been thinking about this date for the last few hours.”

When ‘jibing,’ however, “You are in more of a natural state,” Nikki says, “Which is why I think it will work better [than] one of these dates where you’re sitting across from someone with pressure but no inspiration for a conversation.”

To the contrary, when ‘jibing’ you can base your conversation around the room, people, furniture or whatever trade you might be doing, which relieves the pressure: “Say you’re going for a tour of their apartment or spare room, you might be having a conversation about how much it’s going to cost, or the books on the coffee table, their likes and interests,” Nikki says, “and have that banter without the pressure of, ‘What am I going to say next.’”

The last question to consider is this: is now more socially acceptable to meet your partner on Facebook Marketplace than on Tinder or Bumble? Nikki doesn’t necessarily agree, telling us these chance meetings have always happened throughout history, and they now continue to happen, albeit in a different way, facilitated by technology.

And, according to Nikki, this is actually quite an important topic for dating experts to delve into, as many people “are either really struggling with their social skills because they are on their phone all day, or they have blinkers on when it comes to dating in the real world.”

The takeaway? We would say happy swiping but in light of recent developments: happy ‘jibing.’

 

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Women That Men Do Not Want To Marry

I’ve recently read a very funny article written by Samantha Daniels, who is a well-known professional matchmaker and relationship expert, about different types of women that men do not want to marry. I must admit that this subject really got me thinking about all the little yet quite annoying things a woman can do to chase away the man of her dreams. This is why, if you are trying to find the perfect man and get married, you need to know about the things you might be doing wrong and you need to be smart about your dating. So, just read on and find out about those 15 types of women that men do not want to marry.

1.MISS “EXTREMELY JEALOUS”

If we’re talking about types of women that men do not want to marry, we must surely include this very popular type of lady. She is always very distrusting and suspicious and even though she might have been hurt in the past, this is not an excuse for behaving like this in all her relationships. So, that’s why, most of the time, guys will break up with her because after all “no one can go through his life being prosecuted for somebody else’s crimes.”↓

2.MISS “BOSSY”

I must admit with shame that sometimes I am this type of woman, but in my defense, I must say that I often do it unconsciously and that I can’t simply help myself. At first, a man might think that this trait is kind of cute, that he likes a woman who is ambitious and knows what she wants, but after a while, he will realize that things are a bit different and he will “feel like he is in grammar school being told what to do by his second grade teacher.” So, if you recognize yourself in my description, try to do something about it and be more approachable.

3.MISS “PLAYING GAMES”

I know that sometimes, it may seem fun to play all sorts of fun games (well, fun for you), but in the long term this behavior will surely damage your relationship. Maybe at first, a man will be intrigued by a hard-to-get lady, but after a while he will want to be with someone who is a bit nicer and more stable. So, no matter how tempting it may seem, stop playing games with his heart! Act a little bit more responsibly and think about his feelings too!

4.MISS “I HAVE NOTHING ELSE GOING ON”

This is definitely one of the types of women a man will not want to marry. Even though at first he might be flattered by all her attention and kindness, in the long term he will feel suffocated and all that attention will seem overwhelming. Men love a woman who knows what she wants, who makes plans that don’t necessarily involve him, who has a goal in her life and who doesn’t live only for him and for seeing him happy. So ladies, no matter how in love you might be, don’t forget about yourself or about your dreams!↓

5.MISS “DADDY ISSUES”

Experts said that this type of woman usually dates older and powerful men because deep down, she is actually looking for a father figure and not a partner whom she will want to marry someday. Maybe at first a man will be impressed that a younger woman finds him attractive, but after a while, he will realize that his special lady has a couple of issues that she needs to resolve if she wants to settle down with him.

 

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I’m a bartender, and these are the drinks that we secretly judge you for ordering

  • There are certain drinks bartenders like me will secretly judge you for ordering.
  • We’ll happily make you a mixed drink with top-shelf liquor, for example, but we’ll be rolling our eyes on the inside.
  • Here are 16 things you should think twice about before ordering at a bar.

Bars are filled with people trying to look cool.

Maybe you’re trying to impress your squad. Maybe you’re trying, and failing, to woo someone on a first date.

Or maybe you just want to appear cool in front of me, your bartender.

And why not? Bartenders are hip. We stand in front of people and do things most people probably can’t do.

So it’s no surprise that folks sometimes try to impress us — or at least not disappoint us — when it’s their big moment in front of us: ordering a drink.

No matter what kind of drink you order, we’ll happily make it with a smile. But that said, there are some types of drinks we’ll secretly judge you for requesting.

Here are 16 orders that bartenders are sure to secretly judge you for.

You order a filthy martini with a top-shelf spirit

With a few exceptions, such as when the cocktail is super spirit-forward, house cocktails are always made with the bottom shelf — or “well” — spirits. Because why waste a perfectly good top-shelf spirit?

If I gave you a blind tasting of two filthy martinis, one with Grey Goose and one with the well vodka, I highly doubt you’d be able to tell which was which. At least not in a meaningful way.

Some bartenders go so far as to judge any and all dirty-martini orders — especially when a blue-cheese-stuffed olive is requested.

Personally, I’m unbothered. That is, until, you besmirch a perfectly good top-shelf gin or vodka that can stand on its own.

Actually, requesting an uppermost echelon spirit in any mixed drink is kind of silly

Actually, requesting an uppermost echelon spirit in any mixed drink is kind of sillyGetty Images

The same principle applies with any mixed drink. Even if it’s a more refined cocktail, like an Old Fashioned.

I’ll do it. But it will hurt me inside to add even a dash of bitters and a bar spoon of sweetener to the $25 Nikka Coffey Whiskey Old Fashioned you just ordered.

We judge when large groups all order the same thing

We judge when large groups all order the same thingShutterstock

Don’t be square. Live a little. Just because you’re wearing matching bachelor or bachelorette tees doesn’t mean your drink orders have to correspond too.

You ask for your martini shaken

You ask for your martini shakenUnited Artists

Please. Unless it’s a Vesper, calm down, James Bond.

Hint: There’s a reason martinis are stirred. And it has nothing to do with how manly you are, and everything to do with the type of ingredients involved.

Our decision to stir instead of shake is pretty cemented, and it’s based on how the ingredients dilute, interact, and ultimately appear in the glass.

You order an LIT when you’re somewhere fancy

Assess your environment. Look around.

Say, for example, there aren’t peanut shells on the floor, the lighting is decent, and your bartender is wearing a tie, vest, or blouse: Don’t order a Long Island Iced Tea. Or a Blue Motorcycle, an Irish Trash Can, or a Slippery Nipple.

These are cocktails designed basically to get you as drunk as possible as quickly as possible. And they taste … unremarkable.

Let a bartender at a refined joint get you drunk in at least a memorably tasty way.

But by all means, when you find yourself at a dive, go ahead and revel in the blasphemy of combining multiple spirits in one glass.

And when you’re at a dive bar, you order something obnoxiously high end

Don’t ask the bartender what smoked salts the bar has available for a bespoke margarita when you’re at a dive bar.

On second thought, never ask us about our smoked salts (yes, people actually request this). It’s an inquiry that somehow manages to make you sound both silly and pretentious.

You order a rum and Diet Coke

You’re drinking cane-based booze. You might as well pile it on.

You order your drink in ‘fingers’

You order your drink in 'fingers'Getty Images

It’s a joke among our crowd that the under-21s order in “fingers” to try to seem more sophisticated — and less underage.

That’s when customers use the width of their fingers to indicate how much liquor they want.

Basically, if you order your drink like this, I will ask to see your ID. Seriously.

You order a complex drink whose substitutions make it a basic drink

You order a complex drink whose substitutions make it a basic drinkGetty Images

When people try to mask their more basic, but desired, drink choice with substitutions, it’s their insecurity that I judge, not their desire to have a vodka soda.

So please. Just ask for a vodka soda. Don’t ask for a gimlet, sub-gin-for-vodka, sub-lime-and-sweetener-for-soda.

You arbitrarily add egg white to your drink

You arbitrarily add egg white to your drinkGetty Images

Whiskey sour. Amaretto sour. Ramos gin fizz. These are the drinks it is appropriate to request egg white with, if it’s not already assumed.

A gin and tonic is not.

You ask me to make ‘whatever you want’

You ask me to make 'whatever you want'Reuters/Bernadett Szabo

Bartenders hate this. Don’t do it. Be decisive.

Or at least be decisive when I ask a follow-up question.

“Refreshing or spirit-forward?” “Up or on the rocks?” “Bitter or smoky?”

When people insist on sticking with the “whatever you want” script when pressed to answer questions to find a perfect drink, you’re hurting me when you should be helping me help you.

Also, here’s a trade secret from me to you: We have a favorite drink to make. It’s called a neat pour of anything.

You order a well-known brand, but dismiss my suggestions for a better, lesser-known one

You order a well-known brand, but dismiss my suggestions for a better, lesser-known oneCraig Barritt/Getty Images for Johnny Walker

Part of our job is to know what’s well marketed versus what’s good.

So I’ll always throw side-eye to someone who dismisses a suggested spirit that would have probably both saved them money and enhanced their drink.

You order ice in your wine

You order ice in your wineDavid Paul Morris/Getty Images

I say this as a person who does this occasionally. But only on $3-wine night. And with a healthy dose of shame.

You order ‘Tito’s with vodka’

You order 'Tito's with vodka'Colin Young-Wolff

It never fails to amuse me when this happens. And for some reason, this slip of the tongue only happens with Tito’s.

You request an obscure garnish

You request an obscure garnishGetty Images

Some people have weird neuroses about drink garnishes, while others treat the bartender like a Subway-sandwich artist at the garnish station.

I fondly recall when a guest asked for “a single blueberry” in his drink, which for some reason, we had on hand.

Another common eye-roll is asking for multiple Luxardo cherries. Fun fact: Those babies cost $0.33 a pop.

You request a menu drink, but ask to substitute vodka

You request a menu drink, but ask to substitute vodkaMatt Winkelmeyer/Getty Images for Grey Goose

Don’t do this. Don’t make me explain the vast taste difference between scotch and vodka and why that substitution won’t fly.

Then again, it’s fine. You do you. Live your best life. Order whatever you want.

Just know, we are judging you.

 

 

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