An Evening With James – Part 1

James and I have been friends for over 10 years. I met him one night with my then-girlfriend Michelle at a fashion show at the 23rd Street Armory. He worked for a local talent agency as a talent coordinator. We both loved movies and film in general and kept in touch on social media.

Then he went off to LA for a few years and I rarely spoke to him. But he came back a few years ago and we re-connected.

James has been a great friend and we’ve had some great times together. We both have busy schedules, but we hang out together at least once a month.

You can read about him here:

https://atomic-temporary-111921946.wpcomstaging.com/2017/07/24/james-2012-to-present-modeling-agency-mogul/

https://atomic-temporary-111921946.wpcomstaging.com/2020/08/13/james-southgate/

https://atomic-temporary-111921946.wpcomstaging.com/2020/08/20/james-at-the-drive-in/

Recently, James broke up with his girlfriend of 7 years. He’s now 34 and has been out of the dating game for years. A lot has changed but some things stay the same. I’ve helped him with his online dating apps and offered whatever advice on navigating the treacherous waters of the dating world. He’s been doing well and going on lots of dates.

But like my friend Duncan, who after his divorce wanted to go to a gentleman’s club to blow off some steam, James was ready to do the same.

I wasn’t too keen on the idea because I associate those kinds of places with losers who can’t talk to women in the real world, cheaters, and unhappy married guys.

But he had never been to the supposed “best one in Philly” so he wanted toexDrive-In-girlfriend long-tim6 pm, every day go one night. I reluctantly agreed. I didn’t know exactly when we were supposed to do it, but I knew it was looming on the horizon.

We were supposed to hang out on Wednesday but I had to postpone because I was buried in commercial writing assignments. But the next week cleared and we locked down the next Wednesday to go out.

When the day arrived, James texted me to confirm and we were a go. But in his text he suggested I come to his house, and then we’d jump in a Lyft and head out for the night.

This never happens. He usually drives down into center city or takes a Lyft down here and we go out. This was a first. So I knew it had to mean one of two things.

  1. He wants me to come to his house so I can see how he’s fixed it up and redecorated since the exit of his girlfriend. Then make be a few delicious, potent cocktails to get a base coat on and save money. Then, we both hop in a Lyft and return to center city-girlfriend long-time reading Jamereading James6 pm, every day reading JamesDrive-In for a night of fun, frolic, and frivolity. OR…
  2. He wants me to come to his house, ply me with lethal cocktails and coerce me to go to the local gentleman’s club with him to see a bunch of strippers.

It was the latter.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. I had finished my last big writing assignment the day before so it was my first day off in over 3 weeks. I went to breakfast at Rachael’s Noshery and then went for a nice long walk to get some exercise.

5.6 miles later I came home and chilled out for an hour. I then proceeded to write about Lin and a few other subjects. You’d think after writing non-stop for 3 weeks I wouldn’t want to touch my keyboard. But it just felt good to write about things I wanted to write about. My blog!

We were set to hang out at 7 pm that night so I wrote for about 5 hours and knocked off around 6 pm. I had been to his house before so I knew just how to get there using public transportation. It was a nice mild day, and I gave myself plenty of time like I always do. My dad always taught me to leave early to avoid any unforeseen delays and I’ll always arrive relaxed at my destination.

So, I left my house and headed over to Broad Street. I walked up to Locust Street because I knew there was a train station there on the corner. I walked down the steps to the station, swiped my key card, and headed down to the platform. There was a train sitting there and I happily hopped in. Just to be sure, I asked someone on the train if this train stopped at Huntingdon and they said it was a local express train. So, it wouldn’t. They then told me to get off that train and wait for the regular one that comes on the track just on the other side of the platform. I thanked them and stepped off the train and waited on the platform.

Within minutes, the other train arrived. I hopped on and off I went. After a while, I was wondering when the train would come up out of the subway and become the elevated line. It seemed to be taking a long time. I looked out the window and saw that the train had stopped at the Fern Rock Station.

Where the heck was I? Had I missed my stop? What’s going on?

I asked another passenger and she tried to explain. The train was noisy and she struggled with her English and she was wearing a mask.

Thinking quickly, I exited the train to get my bearings. It was only 6:30 at this point so there was plenty of time to make any necessary adjustments.

I walked over to the ticket office and spoke with the nice lady working inside it behind the bulletproof glass. I couldn’t hear a word she was saying so she stuck her head out the door.

“Hi. I’ve lived in Philly for over 12 years and I think I got on the wrong train.”

“Where are you trying to go?”

“Huntingdon stop in south Kensington.”

“Oh… you’re way off.”

“Where am I?”

“You’re way far up into North Philly right now.”

“Oh. Can I just go upstairs and call a Lyft and leave from there?”

“Ain’t no Lyft coming to this part of town, honey.”

“Really? Why not?”

“It’s pretty busy up there.”

“Busy?”

(Looks me up and down) “You shouldn’t go up there. It’s not a good kind of busy up there.”

“Ohhh… What do you recommend?”

“Go down that flight of stairs over there and get back on the southbound train. You were on the Broad Street Line. You need to take the train south down to 8th and Market and switch to the Blue Line and then go north to Kensington. You’re way west of anywhere you want to be right now and you do not want to go upstairs into that part of town.”

“Okay. Got it. Thank you!”

I scamper down the steps and wait for the southbound Broad Street Line train. What was I thinking…. or not thinking? I’ve lived in Philly for over a decade. I know where everything is and I’m an authority on public transit. Am I getting dotty in my old age? Has senility finally come to call?

No. I just had a brain fart and got on the wrong northbound train. I need to fix this, but I’m not going back to 8th and Market.

The train arrives and I’m the only caucasian on that train. I’m the minority and look a bit out of place, to say the least. I’m a little nervous but it’s 6:30, still light out and there are plenty of people around. I hatch my escape plan as the train roars south.

I’m listening to Rockbar on Sirius radio on my earbuds and it was almost a joke when the next song comes on. It’s Welcome to the Jungle by Gun’s ‘n Roses. Just as the train pulls into the Cecil B. Demille stop I hear Axl Rose scream into my ears…”Do you know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby… You’re gonna DIE!!!!”

Oh, the cruel, yet the hilarious irony of this journey.

I hop off the train because I know this stop is the one above Girard Avenue and based on my geographic skills I figure I’m just slightly northwest of my destination. I climb the stairs and come out on the sunny sidewalk. Again, I am the minority and feel the weight of how out of place I am at this moment.

I call a Lyft and wait alone on the corner of Cecil B. Demille and Broad to wait for it.

Tune in tomorrow for Part 2 of this little saga…

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. 

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Freelance Commercial Writer

Happy New Year!

I’ve been writing this blog since 2016. In the beginning, it started as a hobby. A way for me to have a forum to tell stories about my dating and relationship exploits.

After about a year or so, I added the Dating and Relationship Advice articles to not only help my readers with their dating endeavors but to increase content which in turn, increased page views.

My goal was to at least reach 250k in page views by year 4. We achieved that goal early last year. During that time I added WordPress ads and was finally approved for Google AdSense. They run random ad buys on my site that generates revenue 24/7, 365 days a year.

So, all good. Between that and content links I place for advertisers, and banner ads I run on my site from clients and brands, it pays for the site.

But, when covid hit I found myself unemployed. No worries. Get paid by the government to write good content about my past and write and publish books? Yea, I’ll take that for a year and a half.

I knew that “grant money” would eventually run out and I’d probably have to go back to work in some form. But I had been in contact with a friend who was the former editor at a media site where we both worked several years ago.

She was building websites and writing articles for several businesses and was beginning to feel the stress of getting too many to write. So, she gave me the overflow. I had never written industry stuff in my life, so I was curious to see if I could get it done. But I figured, if I’ve been writing and publishing this blog for the last 5 years and have published 6 books, I’d probably be able to figure it out.

I started to write articles about subjects I knew little about. A solar panel company in Colorado, a stock photo company in Canada, skin and health care articles, lists of activities to do with your kids in Summer, storage facilities, a hot tub company, real estate and some IT stuff.

It was quite a challenge at first because it’s a completely new style and structure of writing I had ever done. But after a while, I picked it up, and off we went. It was at times a grinding experience and I really found out what it meant to be a commercial writer. It’s not sitting in the back of a bar sipping drinks and eating wings and writing about the girl I went on a date with last night. It’s not some cool romantic thriller novel born from my imagination.

It’s a daily 10 to 12 hour a day writing gig, with hard deadlines and many demands from clients. Sometimes I doubted myself but knew that if I stuck with it I could crank out quality content and get paid for it.

And I did.

The money’s good, and I’m going to see how long I can do this before I lose my mind.

Wish me luck!

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. 

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

23 Sexy Questions To DM Your Crush That Really Bring The Heat

Let’s be real: No one ever wants to get hit with an unsolicited DM that reads, “Hey Hottie! Will you send me a sneaky pic?” IMHO, exchanging sexy messages over the internet can be like recreating Love Letters of Great Men, but for millennials. However, much like writing the perfect letter, penning a message that’s both sensual and not cringe-worthy takes some practice and finesse. If you’re looking for some inspiration, these 23 sexy questions to DM your crush are the perfect place to start.

No matter how long you’ve been crushing on someone, it’s important to be in tune with their comfort level and feelings before sending a sexy message. Consent is a necessary part of all sexual behavior — IRL, and, yes, in the DMs. While making the first move can be daring (and often appreciated!), ensuring everyone’s comfort and boundaries is also important. And whether you’re gearing up to exchange nudies or just want to have a flirty convo, asking your crush a sexy question in their direct messages can be a great way to open up your conversation.

Here are 23 sexy questions to DM your crush. Yes, they are categorized by Taco Bell sauce heat levels.

charming mix race plus size woman in a white business jacket standing with smart phone in hand on white background in Studio

Shutterstock

Mild.

1. Let me just ask: How is it possible that you’ve gone so long without messaging me?

2. Should I start this conversation with a cheesy pickup line?

3. Be honest, how long have you been waiting for me to DM you?

4. When’s the last time you thought about me?

5. It’s been so long since we last hung out. Wanna change that?

Hot.

6. I’m making the first move with this DM. Can I expect you to make the first move when we hang out IRL?

7. If you have the time to “like” all my recent posts, how come you’ve never found the time to ask me out?

8. Miss me yet?

9. When do I get to kiss you again?

10. How about we move this convo to drinks?

Fire.

11. I’m not great at starting sexy conversations. Do you want to give it a try?

12. Do you mind that I’m DMing you from the tub?

13. If I asked you to come over right now, what would you say?

14. Want to skip the gym and come over for a different type of workout?

15. Do you like sexting?

16. If you could pick out my undies, what would you have me in?

Diablo.

17. I had a dream last night that we were sexting. Want to make my dreams come true?

18. Real tea: Did you think about me naked when you last saw my name in your DMs?

19. I just took some pics that are a little too hot for my main feed. Do you want to see them?

20. So, your place or mine?

21. What would you do to me if we were together right now?

22. What’s your sexiest fantasy?

23. Do you ever think about me when you’re touching yourself?

Whether you ask what they’re wearing or complement their recent post, sliding into your crush’s DMs can be a super flirty way to start a sexy conversation. Of course, it’s always imperative to ensure everyone’s comfort and well-being. If you think a message is a little too forward, or you’re worried about making your crush uneasy, start with something mild and build up to something hotter. At the end of the day, putting yourself out there (in a consensual and respectful way!) is the sexiest message of all.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Woman Gives Her Number To A Guy On Tinder, Gets Pleasantly Surprised When He Starts Sending Her Photos Of His Rocks

Swiping through Tinder is like playing roulette. You never know who the person you matched with really is. They can turn out to be a creep, sending you unsolicited pics of their genitals, or worse…you might run into someone who doesn’t like animals.

So, when Tumblr user softandanxious gave her number to one guy off Tinder, she knew she was gambling. But luck was on her side, and softandanxious learned that she ran into a rock enthusiast. And not just a passionate fellow who mentions his hobby here and there. No no. The guy won’t stop sending her pictures of his collection. However, the girl isn’t mad. On the contrary, she thinks it’s the best thing that has ever come out of the app. And when you read their conversation and see the genuine enthusiasm the dude has, you’ll probably come to the same conclusion as well.

Image credits: softandanxious

And if you think that softandanxious has low expectations for Tinder, she isn’t the only app user who has lost hope in it. According to one study, about 21% of female matches send a message, whereas only 7% of male matches send a message. Thus, if you connect with someone, chances are you won’t even have a chat with them. “It, therefore, seems that, rather than pre-filtering their mates via the like feature, many male users like in a relatively non-selective way and post-filter after a match has been obtained. This gaming of the system undermines its operation and likely leads to much frustration,” the researchers wrote.

So let’s congratulate softandanxious. In a world of digital dating disappointment, she struck gold. Errr, I mean rock.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

8 Reasons You’ve Been Ghosted

Rejection and breakups are hard enough, but being ghosted can be traumatic. It can leave you with unanswered questions that make it hard to move on. Although ghosting also occurs in friendships, it’s usually associated with dating. More devastating, but less common, is when a spouse disappears after years of marriage. It’s like the sudden death of the person and the marriage. But even the unexplained, unexpected end to a brief, romantic relationship can feel like betrayal and shatter your trust in yourself, in love, and in other people.

It’s a shock to the heart whenever you care about someone who suddenly cuts you off without any explanation. If you insist on one and get a response like, “I just don’t feel it anymore,” it isn’t satisfying. You still want to know “Why?” We are information-seeking animals. Our brain is wired to wander and search for solutions. Once we pose a question, it looks for answers. This is compounded by the fact that we’re also wired to attach and to experience rejection as painful. We try to reconnect — why do babies cry fiercely when they need their mother. Rejection can cause obsessive thinking and compulsive behavior, like stalking your ex’s social media, which fuels more pain and more questions.

Ghosting a Romance

In a romantic relationship, breakups are always harder during the early stage, when ghosting usually occurs. You don’t know your partner that well and are still in a blissful haze of idealization. Your hopes for the future may be abruptly and inexplicably dashed. Normally, after a relationship progresses from the romantic “ideal” stage into the “ordeal” phase, couples struggle with ambivalence and conflicts. If that ends the relationship, at least you have an understanding of why it didn’t work and perhaps agree.

If couples can communicate and accommodate each others’ needs and personalities, they get to the “real deal” — a real relationship based on mutual understanding and acceptance. This takes two people compatible and committed to making the relationship work. They must also have enough self-esteem and autonomy to give without feeling unappreciated or robbed and receive without feeling unworthy or smothered.

Date Ghosting

In dating, often there is less accountability, depending upon various factors: The way you met (a chat room or hookup app), the individual’s maturity and values, length of the relationship, and frequency of face-to-face contact. Technology promotes less emotional involvement. If instead, you met through mutual friends, there’s more incentive to be on good behavior or other friends will hear about it.

Ghosting might start with an unanswered text or call, or long silences between replies until there are none. Here are eight reasons why a person might ghost instead of communicating:

  1. They’re chicken: People who don’t handle conflict well fear confrontation. They expect drama and criticism and want to avoid a breakup conversation. They may rationalize to themselves that they’re sparing your feelings by not admitting that they no longer want to continue the relationship. However, leaving without a word, let alone closure, is more cruel and painful.
  2. They’re avoidant: Ghosts are more likely to have intimacy problems, which explains why they leave a relationship that’s getting close. They’re emotionally unavailable and may have an avoidant attachment style.
  3. They’re ashamed: People with low self-esteem want to avoid criticism and the shame they’ll experience if you get to know them better — one reason for avoiding intimacy. They also expect to feel shame for hurting you. Their lack of boundaries makes them feel responsible for their feelings, though the reverse is true. They’re responsible for how they communicate, but not for your reaction. If they want to end a relationship, you’re entitled to an honest explanation. Thus, in trying to avoid false responsibility, they err by not taking responsibility for their own behavior, causing you the unnecessary pain they were trying to avoid.
  4. They’re busy: When you’re not exclusive and acknowledge that dating someone else is okay, your partner may assume the relationship is casual. While dating other people, you and/or your messages might have been overlooked or forgotten. Your date may have already moved on or just not made time to respond. When later realizing this, he or she is too embarrassed to reply and rationalizes that your “thing” wasn’t serious in the first place.
  5. They’re game-players: To some daters, particularly narcissists, relationships are solely a means to satisfy their egos and sexual needs. They’re not interested in a commitment or concerned with your feelings, though they may feign that when they’re seducing you. They’re players, and to the relationships are a game. They’re not emotionally involved and can act callously once they’re no longer interested, especially if you express needs or expectations.
  6. They’re depressed or overwhelmed: Some people can hide depression for a while. The ghost might be too depressed to continue and not want to reveal what’s really going on in his or her life. There may be other life events you don’t know about that take precedence, like a job loss or personal or family illness or emergency.
  7. They’re seeking safety: If you’ve raged in the past or are violent or verbally abusive, the ghost may avoid you in self-protection.
  8. They’re setting a boundary: If you’re annoyed and smothered your friend with frequent texts or calls, especially if they’ve asked you not to, then their silence is sending a message because you’ve ignored their boundaries. You likely have an anxious attachment style and are attracted to people with avoidant styles. See “Breaking the Cycle of Abandonment.”

What to Do if You’ve Been Ghosted

The main thing to realize is that in the vast majority of cases, ghosting behavior reflects on the ghost, not you. It’s time to let go. Here are some do’s and don’ts to follow.

Face Reality

The other person has decided to move on for whatever reason. Accepting that is more important than knowing why. The ghost is also demonstrating that he or she doesn’t respect your feelings and lacks essential communication and conflict resolution skills that make relationships work. Your feelings aside, consider whether you really want a relationship with them.

Allow Your Feelings

Realize that you can’t figure out the ghost’s motives in your head. Let go of obsessive thoughts, and allow yourself to feel both sadness and anger, without falling into shame. Give yourself time to grieve. Open your heart to yourself with extra doses of self-love — all you wanted from the other person.

Avoid Self-Blame

Deal with the rejection in a healthy way. Rejection can be painful, but you don’t have to pile on unnecessary suffering. Don’t blame yourself or allow someone else’s bad behavior to diminish your self-esteem. Even if the ghost believes you weren’t what he or she was looking for, that doesn’t mean you’re undesirable to someone else. You cannot make a person love you. You simply might not have been a good match. He or she is not your last hope for a partner!

No Contact

If you’re tempted to write or call, think about how the conversation will go, how you will feel, and whether you would get a truthful answer from the person. Oftentimes, the person ending a relationship won’t be honest about the reasons or may not even be able to articulate them, because they’re just going with their gut feelings. Men tend to do this more than women, who analyze and ruminate more. In addition, the odds are you’ll be rejected a second time. Would that hurt more?

To heal faster, experts advise no contact after a breakup, including all social media. Read more tips on how to recover.

If you find it hard to let go of your ex and pursue a conversation, resist any temptation to lure him or her back. You may later regret it. Instead, communicate that his or her was hurtful and unacceptable. In other words, be resolved that you’re now rejecting them. Then, move on.

Beware that if you’re still hurting and vulnerable, contact may prolong your grief. If you don’t feel strong, such a conversation may not help you let go. Also, remember that anger isn’t always strength. It may be a temporary stage of grief, followed by more longing.

Don’t Isolate

Get back into life, and plan activities with friends. You may need a break from dating for a while, but socialize and do other things that you enjoy. Don’t allow yourself to fall into depression, which is distinct from mourning.

I ghosted a friend last year. They just got to a level of crazy with their mental illness I couldn’t take their lies anymore, so I cut them off. I did email them to tell them after so many years of this person’s nonsense I just couldn’t do it anymore. Yea… he needed to go.

My life is better without him in it.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Men Who Attract “Crazy” Women: It’s All Your Fault

I’m truly fed up with men complaining that they always wind up with “crazy women” or saying that all of their exes are “crazy.” You want to know why I’m fed up with it? Because when men say this, they are taking no accountability for their own actions. They are refusing to see that they are the common denominator in all of their relationships with these alleged “crazy” women and are unwilling to admit that if they don’t like what they attract, it’s probably because they don’t like themselves. Water seeks its own level aka crazy attracts crazy. The use of the word “Crazy” is also very derogatory, and that’s frustrating in and of itself. But, if you are a man who continues to attract women who wind up being rather unstable, do not complain that that “just happens” to you. You’re causing it. Here’s how.

You first comment on looks

I’ve noticed one thing in common with every man I know who claims he “attracts crazy women”: the stories of how they first pick up these women involve these guys laying on the compliments about the women’s appearances—heavily. Those first interactions are all about telling the woman she’s really hot. Unfortunately, only women who do have some personal emotional work to do would ever go for this. Emotionally healthy women would not like that all of the focus and attention is on something superficial.

And go after the very put-together women

And, to add to that last point, these men who claim to attract unstable women only go after extremely hot women. I mean that level of hot that is only achieved through $500 haircuts, hours of makeup, every waist cincher and bust lifter available, extensions, and freshly manicured nails. Every day. I’m sorry to say it again but there is often a personality type (hello: high maintenance) that comes with this look. But these silly men who “attract crazies” are just drawn to that look, and aren’t perceptive enough to pick up on the beauty of women with a more subtle appearance aka ones who are stable enough to not overdo it on the hair/makeup/designer clothes thing.

One male acquaintance starts every relationship by showering the woman with monetary items. Whether that’s highly expensive jewelry, meals, or trips, the money is obvious and everywhere. I still state again that, gentlemen, if you want to attract a woman who is down to earth, you won’t find her on the other end of a Ferrari wrapped in a ribbon.

This is so common: a man seduces a woman out of a relationship she’s already in, into a relationship with him, and then things turn out to be toxic and turbulent. Oh wow, no way? A woman who was willing to cheat and relationship jump isn’t stable? You’re kidding me. Who would’ve thought?

You like women who mimic your personality

The man who winds up in these turbulent relationships also tends to like this trait in a woman: she mimics his personality. She’s a chameleon. Whatever hobbies or restaurants or people he loves, she loves, too. This is where a man’s ego can really get him in trouble. I have news for you, men: if a woman seems to love everything you love, it’s an act. And if there is some sort of act going on now, there will be some sort of drama going on later. Stable women will have their own personalities and interests. They won’t pretend to love everything you love.

You demand all of their time at first

Funny enough, the men I know who later claim their exes were “crazy,” are usually very needy in relationships. I see them calling and texting a new interest constantly, wanting to see her regularly, and always wanting to know where she is and who she’s with. Another newsflash, men: if a woman tolerates all of that jealousy and paranoia it’s because she’s also going to exhibit it. Men, if you want a woman who is laid back and not controlling, you yourselves must be laid back and not controlling.

Then you’re shocked when they demand yours

These same men are also completely shocked when they go from calling a woman every hour to ghosting her for weeks and she goes a little nuts. What did they expect? They gave her the impression this was going somewhere and then they disappeared. That would make anyone upset.

You move too fast

I know one guy who falls into this same pit over and over again. He always wants that next thrill (it’s just a form of running from himself and some serious healing that needs to happen). So he’ll move fast with a woman, wanting to live with her or get engaged within just a few months. Again, I will state that, as a man, if you try to move fast, you should know any woman who goes along with it will not be stable. Stable women take things slowly.

Then you abruptly put on the breaks

Then, once these men decide that their new, shiny toy is no longer that new or shiny, they put on the breaks abruptly. One month it’s, “Move in with me” and the next month it’s, “Why are you always in my space?” And, shocker, this can result in some “crazy” behavior on the female’s part. Who wouldn’t be upset by that total 180?

You want something all-consuming

Every relationship that ends up in flames begins as a “whirlwind romance.” Have you noticed that? If two people just take the time to get to know one another, see each other at a reasonable frequency in the beginning and still maintain their individuality, nobody winds up slashing tires or burning down houses. But the men I know who claim their exes are “crazy” always dive into things head first, are attached at the hip with these women, and go totally MIA on the rest of their friends while in relationships.

But stable women aren’t about that

Emotionally healthy women want to maintain their individuality. They want to keep up with their own social lives. They want time to themselves. So, fellas, any woman you meet who is willing to dive into this relationship that consumes the both of you probably won’t be, um, emotionally stable.

You’re looking for a massive ego boost

So, here’s the thing: I’ve noticed that the same men who call their exes crazy also like women who are highly impressed with their money, status, fame, and other superficial elements. These men are deeply insecure and must rely on superficial things to get attention. So they wind up with women who are equally insecure and drawn in by that BS.

Again, stable women won’t give you that

Again, a healthy woman will be repulsed by a man who tries to use his status to gain affection. Sorry, guys, but if you’re going to find quality relationships, you can’t take the easy way of flashing your money around.

You either like extreme partiers

I’ve also noticed that the men I know whose relationships go up in flames are often drawn to women who are huge partiers. These men are usually insecure, and to compensate for that they like the competitive nature that comes with dating a woman who is out at clubs each night. They like to pick fights. They like a reason to be possessive. And women who spend most of their nights partying until the sunrise probably aren’t on the most stable ground right now, either.

Or extreme introverts

The other personality I see these men attracted to is the introvert. Again, men who “just happen” to fall into turbulent relationships (again, it’s totally their own fault) are often controlling. So many of them like women who are introverted and very shy because they know they can trust them to just stay at home and wait for them. But if a woman is so introverted that she’s essentially a hermit, she will likely develop codependency issues on the one relationship in her life. I mean really men what do you expect?! You actively seek out these unstable relationships and then play the victim card when things get unstable.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Can Men And Women Be Just Friends? The Truth About Platonic Relationships

Here’s another post sent to me by one of my followers. I thought it was worth sharing!

Are we just constantly crushing on each other?

Can men and women be friends? Like just friends — no strings attached? No romantic feelings? This question is an age-old one that, it seems, is difficult to answer, but I can give you the answer right now:

Yes. Men and women can be friends without any complications whatsoever. And it’s genuinely counterintuitive for society to pretend otherwise.

Every television show, popular novel, and movie these days refuse to allow their male and female protagonists peace in a platonic relationship. There are Otis and Maeve in Sex Education, basically every possible relationship combination on Friends, Ron and Hermione in Harry Potter (and Harry and Ginny for that matter), Miles and Alaska in Looking for Alaska … I could go on.

Apart from these storylines being incredibly overdone to the point of monotony, they’re also unrealistic and harmful.

I would be remiss not to at least mention the sexist connotations of the idea that men and women cannot be friends. It wouldn’t be a stretch to say that much of this concept comes from how society undervalues women.

Rather than being equal to men in a way that makes casual companionship a possibility, the overtone of this cultural phenomenon is that women can only exist in the male sphere through romantic or sexual means.

Obviously, contemporary media representations of strong female characters aim to dispel this kind of misogynistic thinking. However, with the continued nonexistence of full-stop friendship between men and women in media, the residue of this way of thinking is enough to make for discomfort in media consumption.

This relentless relationship building is also harmful to male representations — they perpetuate the narrative that men are only really after “one thing”, which is unfair to half the population, making men seem uncomplicated, aggressive, and unworthy of tenderness.

Apart from the obvious sexist significance of believing that men and women cannot be friends, this is also incredibly narrow-minded. Take into account how we treat children and young adults when they mingle across gender, for instance. Frankly, it’s embarrassing as a child to mention a new friend and immediately have your parents ask if that friend is a crush of yours. It’s intimidating.

As a kid, if my parents, siblings, or friends teased me about a boy I was spending time with, I instantly became unsure of where I stood with that boy. It made me nervous and kept me gridlocked in friendships with other girls. That’s not to say that having female friends is bad, but it would’ve been nice to be able to branch out a little more.

It wasn’t until high school that I started really expanding my horizons to include male friends who I never even considered potential romantic interests. In fact, I’m so comfortable with these friends that we joke about being together, both on the same page about how put-off we are by that idea.

Now, as a college student, half of my friends are guys. Turns out, we have more in common than divides us. Some of them have girlfriends who don’t seem to mind that their boyfriends are so close to their female friends. It’s really great, seeing as we get to talk about various world issues and concerns from two different perspectives. And understanding other perspectives is conducive to developing empathy and compassion.

In the end, gender lines are becoming a thing of the past, anyway. This distinction between male and female, femininity and masculinity, is no longer as viable a one to make.

Hopefully, that means that not as much weight will be put on gender in terms of friendship.

Sure, it’s okay to be romantically interested in one of your friends of a different gender, but these feelings also shouldn’t be taken for granted. Sooner or later, each of us has to figure out what kind of person we’d like to end up with romantically. Now, that doesn’t mean that anyone who doesn’t match that description gets the boot. Sometimes, you really are just better off as friends.

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

12 Things Guys Shouldn’t Text to the Woman They Love

Texting Through Romantic Relationships

It’s true, we are obsessed with our phones. It used to be we talked on phones, but now they are instruments of impersonal communication via texting. It’s sad that relationships hang on this type of interaction. Today I present some advice to you guys about what not to text to the woman you love. In general, women tend to be more sensitive about the following issues; and in general, men tend not to be concerned with some of them. These are not blanket statements because of course there are plenty of exceptions.

The best relationships come from direct, face to face, voice to voice communication. It’s called talking, being together. You can’t hold hands through your device. If you and your honey are texters, whether dating, courting, or married, don’t step on these texting minefields.

1. Birthday and Anniversary Greetings

If your gal (or anyone else for that matter) is having a birthday, sending her a text with a simple Happy Birthday is so impersonal you might as well be sending it to your accountant or mailman. Even worse is Happy Anniversary. She is going to have hurt feelings and probably give you a piece of her mind. Is it too much to ask to take time out of your busy life to buy a card? Or to express yourself in a way that reaches her preferred love language? There are some very romantic men out there who are good at such things, and plenty who are clueless or clumsy with it. Regardless, texting those sentiments are tacky.

2. Declaring Your First “I Love You”

Saying ‘I love you’ for the first time is a huge deal. Sending it in a text is just wrong, lazy, hollow, and inconsiderate. She wants to see the light of tenderness in your eyes and you should want to look into hers. If you think that’s unnecessary, your love is questionable. True love does not hide behind a screen.

3. Marriage Proposals

“Will you marry me?” If you know what’s good for you, and more importantly, what’s good for your girlfriend, and your relationship, don’t pop this question in a text. You are sure to get a “no” and an ear full of rebukes. Besides, why would you not prefer to look into her eyes, and slip that ring on her finger in person? You may think, Well I can do that the next time I see her. But it is not likely you’ll see her again if you pull that little stunt. Texting is impersonal. If you can’t propose in person, you are not ready for marriage.

4. Arguments

Your girlfriend may want to argue with you as much as you do her in text form, but it’s a minefield fraught with danger. Why?

First, because when you are not together face to face you can’t hear the tone of voice, see the facial expression, or see their body language; thus it is easy for you both to misunderstand each other.

Secondly, it’s easier to say unkind things that you wouldn’t say in person. Your inhibitions are freer; Hiding behind your phone screen and issuing harsh words is cowardly.

Thirdly, text arguing involves a lot of time. You may take short cuts in the exchange because you tire out and won’t be thorough in your thoughts.

5. Breaking Up

Texting a break up is the best example of cowardice I can think of. When you want to break up your relationship (this applies to her too), it’s tempting to be calloused and not care how it affects her if there has been bitter discord between you. But this is about being a mature adult. Doing the hard things in life shows strength and character. Lowering the boom on someone with no personal interaction is going to make it easier for you but harder for her. If the relationship has been full of toxicity on one or both sides and will trigger a lot of hurtful drama, a text may be the answer after all but write it at a time when you are calm and can carefully construct it.

The interesting thing about text is that, as a medium, it separates you from the person you are speaking with, so you can act differently from how you would in person or even on the phone.”

— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance

6. Giving Bad News

Perhaps you hear that her best friend was in an accident and died. Should you text her the news? Heavens no! Bad news to the one you love requires you to be there to comfort them with your warm embrace and words of solace. Give her the news in person. Here are some examples of bad news not to give on a text:

  • Death of a loved one
  • A serious health diagnosis
  • Loss of your job
  • A serious accident
  • A crime committed by someone you both know or being a victim
  • Anything that would be a gross disappointment or tragedy

You can surely think of more.

Don't text bad news.
7. Apologies

Gutless! Text apologies are once again, impersonal. It says you are not courageous or respectful enough to face her in humility. It may feel safer and easier for you, but it may cause her to doubt your sincerity. Not only that, but it robs you both of a chance to have a real heart to heart, to talk things out, and clear up any misunderstandings. You can’t kiss or hug and make up through an electronic device.

8. Sexting

I don’t know many people do this. In fact, none that I’m aware of, but few people share that kind of information. Aside from the immorality of it, and not honoring your and your lady’s body, you also run the risk of it getting into the wrong hands and a big, humiliating mess for both of you. People drop or forget their phones in public places; in someone else’s home; in a place where children or teenagers can get to it.

This would include nude photos. Requesting her to send such photos is degrading her and if it gets into the wrong hands there could be dire consequences. It’s the same if you send her photos of yourself. Respect and honor her and your relationship.

9. Texting and Online Activity While You Are With Her

It is downright rude and boorish to text while with someone. It’s likely the one you love is doing the same thing because that is 21st-century life (that doesn’t make it right or healthy). How can you enjoy one another’s company if your texting others, scrolling social media, or checking the football scores? How can you get to know each other better if you’re on your phone? How do you sustain a relationship if you talk very little? How can you express your interest and love for one another while ignoring each other?

Make changes and encourage your love to put away her phone so you can enjoy each other. Today, many romantic relationships consist of texting and sex. This is shallow, dishonorable, and robbing you both of the delights of a true love relationship.

Don't text when you're together.
10. Gloating About How Much Fun You’re Having Without Her

It’s not wrong for either of you to be with friends while the other is not there. In fact, it’s healthy. If you like to go to the gym with a friend to work out, or she likes to go shopping with her friend, there is nothing wrong with that. But there are times when your time with friends can make her feel left out and that you enjoy the company of others more than her. Gloating through texts about the fun you’re having without her, especially multiple times in a time frame (including photos) is hurtful. Here are some scenarios that would apply:

  1. Going to parties and family events without her.
  2. The habit of spending and demanding more time with the guys.
  3. Telling her outright you prefer the company of others more than her.
  4. Trying to make her jealous by talking about the other women (or taking photos) in your company.
  5. Accusing her of trying to spoil your fun.

Attitude and intentions are the defining factors. Are you deliberately cutting her out because you find your friends’ company more fun? Are you mad at her and want to get back at her? Do you demand your right to go wherever you want with whomever you want, whenever you want, and indicate she is unwelcome? Do you enjoy texting her these things? If so, you will lose her eventually, and rightly so.

11. Jealous Accusations

Unjustified jealous texts can be made by both men and women, but this article is for men. If your girlfriend or wife is out shopping or having lunch with girlfriends, working extra hours, don’t spoil her day by texting her your suspicions she is cheating or flirting; it will damage your relationship. If she’s never given you a concrete reason to believe she’s been unfaithful then it is your insecurity you need to address.

12. Cancelling Last Minute

Emergencies and urgent matters crop up from time to time and we have to cancel something at the last minute. Happens to everyone from time to time. Calling to cancel is best but texting suffices.

The wimp-out is when you’ve canceled in a text after she’s been waiting and ready to go and do it flippantly with no real reason, or you tell her you decided to do something else instead. Boo! Not nice.

Two Set of Keys

You may have caught onto the keywords reflecting the attitude and the heart of the person who sends the kind of texts listed above.

  • Insensitive
  • Cowardly
  • Impersonal
  • Shallow
  • Lazy
  • Hollow
  • Rude
  • Boorish
  • Inconsiderate
  • Hiding
  • Hurt feelings
  • Degrading
  • Dire consequences
  • Risk
  • Humiliation
  • Danger
  • Immoral
  • Robbing
  • Dishonorable
  • Jealousy
  • Demanding
  • Criticism
  • Wimp-out

It’s never too late to learn and apply better communication skills. Here is a list of things guys should incorporate into their texts:

  • Honor
  • Love
  • Respect
  • Affirmation
  • Value
  • Humility
  • Delight
  • Personal
  • Tenderness
  • Touch
  • Personal
  • Comfort
  • Voice
  • Body language
  • Embrace
  • Face to face
  • Being a Man

Hopefully, the message here is loud and clear. Shun the negatives and embrace the positives and you will only gain more blessings in your relationship and develop integrity and a kind and sensitive heart.

What’s not so great is that all this technology is destroying our social skills. Not only have we given up on writing letters to each other, we barely even talk to each other. People have become so accustomed to texting that they’re actually startled when the phone rings. It’s like we suddenly all have Batphones. If it rings, there must be danger.

— Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously, I’m Kidding

One helpful tool is to put yourself in her place. Ask yourself how you would feel if she did the same things. I know some men would take no offense at a text “Happy Anniversary,” or hearing the first “I love you,” but would be hurt by some of the other things on the list. True love wants and gives the very best.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

The Most Unattractive Online Dating Mistakes Women Make To Cause Men To Swipe Left

Avoid these as much as possible.

Online dating and dating apps are all the rage these days. You no longer need to write long-winded paragraphs about yourself and your dream fantasy person.

Nowadays, if you want to go on a date, all you need to do is go to Bumble, Hinge, Tinder, and the countless other dating sites and just write a few sentences about yourself, do four or five photos, and off to swiping we go.

Brilliant.

You don’t have to read anything.

But — and here’s the big ‘but’ — those few sentences could also be enough to turn off the majority of men. I’ve seen it happen so many times.

What you say in those few sentences on a dating site can determine whether a man swipes right or swipes left. It can determine whether or not he wants to get together with you at all.

Women often make these 3 fatal mistakes in online dating — and they’re usually all in the same profile.

1. Saying you’re career-driven

As a man, I don’t need to know that. Do you know what the phrase “career-driven” triggers in a man?

He thinks, “She’s going to take charge of the relationship. She’s career-driven. She’s forgotten how to be feminine.”

Or, “She’s not a nurturing type of woman. She’s going to work late all the time and not really be feminine in a relationship.”

Career-driven — writing that alone triggers those kinds of thoughts in a man.

Most women desire a king. The king doesn’t care what you do, he cares about how you treat him.

Career-driven triggers the wrong things. How you formulated your career or how you make your money — men don’t need to know that. It doesn’t matter.

This is dating, not an interview. When women say career-driven, it shows me that you’re still in the interview process. You’re treating dates like interviews instead of romance.

2. Saying you don’t need a man

Usually, this comes after career-driven — “I don’t need a man in my life, but I would like one.”

Men like to feel needed and desired.

Nobody needs a man. And I don’t need a woman.

But, what I need and desire in a partner.

When someone says they don’t need a man, what that says is that you’re bitter. You’ve had bad relationships so you don’t need a man.

You had a dominating mother who castrated your father right in front of you and told you that men suck and you can’t rely on them.

So that one statement tells us that you’re not going to be feminine in a relationship. You don’t need us so you’re not going to fall for us. We’re not going to be able to romance you.

3. Saying, “My life is full of adventures. I live life to the fullest”

You’re telling us right then and there that you have no idea how to be vulnerable.

Living life to the fullest means that you have filled your life with other things besides romance and intimacy.

You have filled your life with toys and games and trips and everything else.

You’re telling us you really don’t need a man, you’re career-driven, and you live life to the fullest. It tells men — plain and simple — that you don’t get what being vulnerable and intimacy are all about.

Just three statements but they’re fatal.

They are so simple but women say them consistently.

Are you looking for love? Create a profile that attracts quality men that are desperate to date you by using language that triggers men in a positive way.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

When Should You Talk About Politics While Dating? It’s Earlier Than You Think

If you’re a young person in America, your political views are probably something you hold close to your heart, no matter where you fall on the spectrum. That being said, matching with a moderate hottie who voted for Donald Trump in 2016, or a snack who refuses to vote in 2020 if their candidate isn’t the front-runner is terrifying — but it’s also very possible. These conversations can be dicey and maybe even mood-killing, despite being so d*mn important. So, you’re stuck asking yourself a very valid question: When should you talk about politics while dating?

You’ve probably witnessed the explosive potential of talking politics with your family, and needless to say, that’s probably not the vibe you want for a first date. But even though bringing up politics early on while dating may seem too personal, you’re better off just ripping off the Band-Aid, says dating expert Julie Spira — especially because our country is so divided.

“For the first time, differing politics has become the number one deal-breaker in relationships,” Spira, author of Love in the Age of Trump: How Politics is Polarizing Relationships, tells Elite Daily. “Since politics is so much more than supporting a party, and the issues at stake are severe, [dating success] really comes down to finding someone with shared values.”

FluxFactory/E+/Getty Images

“If your partner doesn’t feel the way you do about women’s rights, children separated at the border in cages, and healthcare, your values won’t be aligned,” Spira continues. Someone’s political views can say a lot about them, from their soft spots to their privilege to their views on equality and conflict.

Even the decision to be apolitical can be a point of contention in relationships. So if you wouldn’t be cool with dating someone who’s apolitical or don’t want to waste your time on someone with totally opposite views, it helps to be upfront about these potential deal-breakers.

“Since we’re in an election season now with primaries and debates filling the news cycle, not having an opinion isn’t an option anymore,” she says. “My research shows that 87% of singles won’t date someone who didn’t and won’t vote, showing that being a voter is actually a sexy trait.”

So, apart from worrying about what you’re wearing or if your date is as cute in-person as they are on Tinder, you’ll probably have to prepare for questions like, “Who are you voting for?” If you’ve got your answer ready, don’t shy away from giving it and explaining which issues are a deciding factor in your endorsement.

“If you prefer to have a date in a politics-free zone, then treat it the same way as if someone starts to talk about their ex,” Spira explains. “I recommend politely, saying, ‘Oh, I don’t talk about politics until the third date,’ and smile or wink at your date.”

yongyuan/E+/Getty Images

If you’re only just right of center or you’re still heartbroken about Elizabeth Warren dropping out of the race, you can eliminate a lot of heartache (and headache) by putting your political affiliation in your dating app profile. “It’s simple to show so by wearing political swag such as a MAGA hat or ‘vote blue no matter who [apparel] in your profile photos,” Spira says. “On your profile, you can add, ‘Swipe left if you voted right,’ or ‘Must support our president.'”

You might also end up dating someone who you disagree with on certain issues, but align with on core values. “Finding a compatible date doesn’t mean you should only be interested in a mirror-version of yourself,” Spira offers. “Learning another point of view can enrich your life, and having a lively political debate, as long as you’re not attacking each other, could make for an interesting night on the town.”

You’ll know in your gut who feels like a good fit politically and who doesn’t. As hot and exciting as your date may be, do both of you a favor and don’t be afraid to jump right into the political conversation. It might make things uncomfortable for a moment, but you’ll thank yourself later.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

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