3 Reasons Women Over 50 Have Trouble Finding Love (IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK)

Why do otherwise dauntless women in their 50’s and 60’s struggle so much when it comes to dating? Do you feel, as a mature woman, you should have your love life figured out by now? Take heart – you’re not alone and help is on the way!

Dating Expert Lisa Copeland and Margaret Manning of Sixty and Me talk about why dating in your 50’s and 60’s can be difficult. Lisa explores some of the real reasons for your struggle and has some great tips on what to do about it.

Don’t Play Mind Games With Yourself

Have you ever noticed that you almost can’t help but smile at someone who smiles at you? You probably don’t really even notice if they are attractive or not, the smile just draws you in. That’s personality at work.

Women in their 50’s and 60’s often worry that they won’t measure up to a man’s standards. “This just isn’t true”, according to Lisa, “Men fall in love with who a woman really is, while women tend to fall in love with a man’s potential.” The truth is; if you have a great personality and positive energy, men will love you for it.

You Are More Than Your Body

We all know our bodies change as we age. Do you worry that your wrinkles, grey hair, or thick waist makes you unlovable? Many women feel like they simply have too many flaws to be attractive to anyone.

Want some good news? While you may be comparing your body to what it was in your 20’s, the men you are meeting now can’t do that because they don’t know what you looked like then. Relax, have fun, and know that he will love you for who you are right this very minute.

Never forget just how amazing you really are!

You’ve Got To Have A Plan

Would you leave on an extended trip without knowing what to take and where you want to end up? Dating is no different than any other complex undertaking in your life. If you want to be successful, you have to have a plan.

“You can’t just flounder around, not really knowing what you want,” says Lisa, “the most important part of your plan is to be super clear about the type of man you want to end up with”. Lisa also suggests you have 2–3 different ways to meet men, other than online. Baby steps are your best friends in this process since they help you see your accomplishments as you go along.

Rejection is Not About You

Do you hesitate to approach a man because he might say “no”? Being turned down can be a hard pill to swallow. Take heart, there is a trick that helps sweeten the bitterness of rejection.

“A man who says “no” isn’t rejecting you,” Lisa assures us, “you just don’t fit the picture of what he wants”. When you think about it, you do the same thing to men, don’t you? In fact, since men tend to be the one to initiate contact the most, they are given the brush off much more often than we are.

Pay It Forward With Online Dating Etiquette

Speaking of rejection, have you thought about the way you refuse men who don’t match your ideal picture? With the surge in online dating, our manners have perhaps slipped a little. Hiding behind our keyboard, we often say things we simply wouldn’t in a face–to–face situation.

Good manners are important in women of all ages and women in their 50’s and 60’s are no exception. Be polite, thank the man for his interest and decline gently. Your courtesy could be extended to the next person he talks to and may eventually come back to you.

Even if it doesn’t, it costs nothing to be nice.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Facebook: phicklephilly       Instagram: @phicklephilly       Twitter: @phicklephilly

What I Learned About My Husband That Ruined Our Five Year Marriage

Another one from one of my female followers!

It was gradual at first, one red flag, then two.

We were the picture-perfect couple, so bright and shiny on the outside, the ones everyone wanted to be like.

It looked like we had it all, the car, the home, the life. He was the successful sports person, overcoming feats no one thought possible and I was the rock that stood beside him. The one who was always there, supporting him, praising him. But behind closed doors, things are not always what they seem.

I thought he was the love of my life, till death do us part, through sickness and in health. We said these vows in front of hundreds of our friends and family. I thought we would travel the world, have children, support each other as we built our empire. How little did I know that once I had served my purpose I would get kicked to the curb and replaced by a newer version that could give him the next leg up in life.

My world came crashing down two years ago today. I thought the man I had married was kind, caring, generous, selfless. However, this was all a rouse, a wolf in sheep’s clothing. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with what has happened and what I endured over the almost five years of our marriage.

It all started when I was 18, the world was my oyster, I had a great job, lots of friends, a loving supportive family and was having the time of my life. Then I met him. He swept me off my feet, filled me with compliments, showered me with gifts and affection, made me feel safe and loved. Our whirlwind romance continued for the next 18 months when we got engaged. He pulled out all the stops. I felt like the luckiest woman alive. Our wedding then followed, an extravagant affair, the party of the year. 300 of our closest family and friends laughed, danced and drank the night away. There were emotional speeches, and an endless array of kisses and laughter and to top it off I was spoilt with my own fireworks display (lucky right!). We were going to have the greatest love story ever. I was on an emotional high that felt like a drug cocktail as potent as cocaine, heroin, and ecstasy, all rolled into one dose.

Over the next few years we traveled, moved, built houses, bought cars and he continued to thrive and flourish in his sporting career. Everyone thought we were perfect. I, on the other hand, was living in a state of anxiety, depression, and hopelessness.

It was only gradual at first, one red flag, then two. The love-bombing and idealization phase of our relationship was over. The gaslighting and devaluation had begun.

He had started to withdraw, sometimes affection sometimes compliments, but mainly time (which he knew was a trigger for me). He would start to blame me, we would fight, he would get nasty, say things he knew would cut deep. He would accuse me of having no life, of having no friends when this was the roadmap he had drawn for me over the past five years. He had alienated me from my friends and family, always giving reasons why I should cut them off or saying things like “why do you care, they don’t do anything for us”.

His interest in his perception to the outside world and the image he displayed became the most important thing. While to the public he would praise me as his rock, would thank me for always supporting him, things were not as they seemed. He had me hook, line and sinker. I was his, I craved his love and affection, he had made me so emotionally reliant on him that my happiness was drawn from his success. My friends were really his friends. I had lost all sense of self.

Then the infidelity started. Sneakily at first but over time he didn’t even try to hide it. When I would question messages, photos, fake online profiles he would say I was crazy, that I was making things up, I was overreacting (another trigger point for me). We would fight, he would apologize then drip feed me compliments to keep me coming back. He knew just the things to break me but knew just the things to keep me running back. To have the person, who you love more than anything, make you feel so low is the most hurtful and painful thing someone can endure.

Family tried to intervene, they could see how toxic things had become, could see the pain I was enduring. I started counseling, alone at first, and then in one final stint to try and save our marriage I asked him to come along. He attended three sessions, the therapist saw through the crocodile tears and called him on it. He didn’t return after that.

Our marriage was over. It didn’t abruptly end one day, the pain was drawn out for a further few months until I told him to leave our home. I was now truly alone, alone in the home we had built to start a family in.

The discarding phase was the most painful and brutal. It was public and it was mortifying. I was kicked to the curb and very swiftly replaced by a more successful, shinier model. Someone who could serve a new purpose of helping him get ahead in life. Money and power were always his key drivers and he had found someone that could accelerate that. Even when separated, he tried to keep the power, control the narrative, lying to anyone who would listen about the reasons we separated, alienating and shifting the blame to his family. Anything and anyone was fair game if it kept up the exterior persona.

As I reflect on our relationship (and after reading the book – Power, Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse) I realized, holy crap, I was married to a narcissist. It’s sometimes not until you remove yourself from a situation that you truly see the red flags, triggers and defining moments.

I wish I had the gift of hindsight, I wish all the people who had wanted to speak up had done so earlier, I wish I had taken back control of my life earlier. Don’t get me wrong, I was not perfect in this situation, I did things I am not proud of. I was in survival mode, protection mode.

To this day, he has still taken no ownership over his actions, apologized to me – not that I expect it – or his family for the immense pain and suffering he has caused them. I reflect on the good times now with a sense of sadness, in the moment, they felt so real, so pure but I will never truly know if he meant them, or if it was all just a plot to make me his puppet.

Whilst I would not wish such pain and suffering upon my worst enemy (or the newer model), I know that I have come out the side a better person. I am finally content with who I am as a person, I have grown through this experience, know who I am, what I want, what I deserve and what I am capable of. I have realized how strong I really am, how much I have to give and how much I deserve to get in return. I have become a better, happier more content version of myself.

I am in a relationship with a man I adore, who treats me with the utmost respect and admiration, I am standing on my own two feet for the first time in my adult life and I’m taking back control. It has taken a lot of dark days, tears, anger and self-doubt to get to this point and writing this article is the final chapter. He did not come out on top. He did not win.

I hope this helps anyone who is currently sitting at home not knowing what to do about their current relationship, whether what they are going through is normal if the grass is greener on the other side. Take my word, through all the rain, there is a rainbow with a pot of gold at the end. It may take weeks, months, years to reach it. But I promise you, it’s worth it.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Instagram: @phicklephilly      Facebook: phicklephilly   Twitter: @phicklephilly

6 Things Every New Couple Should Discuss (If You Want Your Love to Last)

New relationship, new rules.

We are setting boundaries every day.

We drive in our own lane. We obey the limits marked by a colleague’s desk or cubicle. We maintain a respectable distance in a queue. Yet, many of us think that boundaries are unnecessary and even offensive in a romantic relationship.

Many women don’t set healthy boundaries in their relationships. Instead, they think their partner should be able to anticipate their wants and needs. Some even fear that setting boundaries in relationships will interfere with the romance and spontaneity. Others feel that boundaries are downright callous.

Why should you set boundaries in new relationships from the get-go?

A healthy relationship, like every other area of your life, requires boundaries. Boundaries define responsibility in the relationship and create natural limits. These limits work to your mutual benefit since the overall expectations are clearly worked out.

Learning how to set boundaries is essential for eliminating blame in the relationship. According to clinical psychologist Ryan Howes, clear boundaries determine where you end, and your partner begins. When you are both clear on which responsibilities are yours and which ones are his, you have less conflict and fewer misunderstandings.

Boundaries communicate your tolerances to each other. You and your partner have different emotional thresholds. When you set boundaries, you are letting your boyfriend know there are certain things you will not tolerate: being lied to, shouted at, being silenced or mistreated. Limits make more healthy and peaceful relationships.

Not all men are going to have the same values as you so it’s important to get it right from the start.

What happens when you don’t set healthy boundaries?

Not only will you be in an unhealthy relationship, but you also cannot hope to be a woman of high self-esteem as you mourn the behavior of a man who is crossing boundaries and treating you indecently.

Failure to set boundaries means that you will have to deal with:

  • Messy habits
  • Jealous spying
  • Broken promises
  • Dangerous lifestyle: alcohol or drug abuse
  • Angry behavior
  • Oppression and resentment
  • Power struggles

If you do not believe in boundaries and accept anything and everything, the problems that may arise in future are yours, not your boyfriend’s.

The core determinant when establishing patterns of behavior in your relationship is acceptance and rejection. Boundaries help you to clearly communicate with your boyfriend what things you accept and which ones you reject. If you don’t do one, you do the other.

Here are 6 healthy boundaries all new couples need to discuss.

1. Sexual expression

You and your boyfriend will have some different ideas about sex. For example:

  • You may like sex in the morning while he enjoys it in the evening.
  • He may love sex in odd places while you may enjoy sex more in the comfort of your home.
  • You may be wild, he may like it slow and sensual.

The point is, if you and your boyfriend don’t know where your sexual boundaries lie, one of you will spend their time in the relationship faking sexual satisfaction.

Determine your sexual needs and preferences as well as how much wiggle room for adventure exists within your relationship. Violating sexual boundaries in a relationship is not just unhealthy, it can be abusive.

2. Money

There’s typically no more of a sensitive topic in any relationship. Money is powerful and can turn a good relationship sour. Your incomes, spending methods, saving patterns: all these could bring some significant trust issues in the relationship.

You and your boyfriend should regularly sit down and discuss financial boundaries. Ask each other, “What dollar figure is the limit that we need to discuss together before we decide to buy or not buy it?”

It is also important to decide how you will spend your money, create a budget, and be on the same page where financial goals are concerned.

The above is easy to understand and get the message across that money is a shared topic. You are a team, and you must operate as such to be successful in your relationship.

Discussing financial boundaries is not an expectancy of a failed relationship; it is a matter of convenience which will help you avoid sticky entanglements later in the relationship.

3. How you settle disagreements

All relationships have conflict,

If you adequately address how you will fight in your relationship, you can quickly solve all your problems. According to an article on Psychology Today, conflicts and arguments do not necessarily jeopardize your relationship.

Indeed, there are times when disagreements can bring you and your boyfriend together. The key is how you and your boyfriend decide to handle your conflict.

Do you:

  • Give the silent treatment?
  • Laugh when there is conflict?
  • Make underhanded comments?
  • Get the person out of your physical space?

Once you are aware of how you both handle conflict, then you can set up a rule in advance when you are both more level headed. (For example, agree that if one gives the silent treatment for two days, tell them that they are being silly and the point has been made.)

Conflicts, when mishandled, can ultimately break the relationship up. Work together with your boyfriend to determine the appropriate way for you to deal with anger and how you will treat each other when you are upset.

4. Social media

Social media has completely permeated romantic relationships. Jordan Gray, a sex and dating coach, indicates that as of late, relationship therapy sessions are filled with stories about social media interference with relationships like snooping on partners’ Facebook accounts, a lot of suspicions, and anger when partners follow their exes on Instagram.

A survey by Pew Research Center in 2014 revealed that 45 percent of the respondents said that their social media account had a major impact on their relationships.

You may be hesitant to discuss boundaries on social media usage since you may think that social media is too frivolous to argue over. However, you must realize that social media stirs up real feelings, and those feelings matter.

As such, agree with your boyfriend on:

  • How to prioritize quality time together without social media
  • What you should and should not post.
  • To what extent you should engage your exes online.

5. How you spend your time

Your relationship will thrive when you spend quality time together — and separately. Therefore, you need to set boundaries on how you will not only spend time together but also have some solo time scheduled with friends and family.

If you do not set up time boundaries in your relationship, you will have problems in your relationship and also in the relationships with your family and friends. Talk with your partner about your expectations for time together and time alone and you will have a more fulfilling relationship.

6. Your limits

Bear in mind that the concept of boundaries may be unnatural to your boyfriend. Therefore, to make your boundaries efficient:

  • Be firm, yet kind. Do not be mean or hurtful when you set a boundary. The more you approach the boundary conversation with love and compassion, the better the conversation will go.
  • Be consistent. Once you set a boundary, do not dismiss it or ignore it. When you undermine the boundaries, you will have taught your boyfriend to disrespect them too. As such, stand behind your words at all times.

Remember the signs of a healthy relationship include boundaries and boundaries are not static. The types of boundaries in relationships can change as your relationship progresses or as you find out more information about each other.

Feel free to revisit the boundaries when the need arises.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Facebook: phicklephilly       Instagram: @phicklephilly       Twitter: @phicklephilly

If You Notice These 11 Signs, Your Partner Is Taking You for Granted

Yikes.

A solid relationship calls for mutual appreciation and respect.

If one person is putting in all the work while the other sits back and takes without giving anything in return, it could mean serious trouble ahead.

Sometimes, it’s obvious when you are being taken for granted, or when your love is not appreciated by your partner. Other times, it’s not so easy to tell if your partner is taking advantage of you.

It’s only natural for the partner who’s feeling undervalued to gain resentment and animosity, as people want to feel appreciated and cared for when in a relationship.

But there are plenty of signs that that’s not the case.

Your partner can show they’re taking you for granted in subtle ways, which might be hard to miss if you’re very infatuated or in love with them.

If that’s the case, you might try to deny that these things are happening or focus only on the good in order to settle with the bad.

But nobody should have to settle, ever.

If you think your partner might not be reciprocating your feelings or gestures, it’s time to stand up. Here are some signs you that you’re being taken for granted, or that your partner likes to take advantage of your love.

1. They never thank you

Dr. Tarra Bates-Duford, forensic psychologist specializing in familial dysfunction and traumatic experience, and marriage and family therapist and certified relationship expert, explains to Phicklephilly that if your partner doesn’t ever thank you for doing favors or being a great partner, they’re not appreciating you for all you’re worth.

Likewise, if your partner never acknowledges any of your personal sacrifices for him/her or the relationship, it’s a red flag, too.

2. They make huge demands

If they’re making some big demands, like making you spend excess time with them, forgo certain relationships or connections, or prioritize their interests over yours without reciprocating, ditch them now.

“If your partner expects and often demands that you contribute more to the relationship than he/she is willing to do, it’s a major sign of underappreciation,” says Bates-Duford.

3. They make all the plans

If your partner is busy making plans for the two of you without consulting you first and then makes a fuss if you try and arrange something that they may not be super interested in, it’s a clear sign that they’re taking you for granted, explains Bates-Duford.

Instead, you should both be discussing plans and compromising to see inside each other’s world as a couple.

4. They don’t care to learn about you

If your partner has no interest in trying activities you love or sharing in moments that matter to you, they’re taking you for granted, says Bates-Duford.

Plus, if you keep inviting them to spend time with your friends or family and they refuse because they want to be around their network, it shows a selfish disinterest that won’t progress your relationship.

5. Your partner spends more time with others

If your partner only makes time for friends and no date nights (and just chooses to spend less time with you overall), it means they don’t fully value or appreciate quality time with you, the relationship, and the commitment, Dr. Wyatt Fisher, licensed psychologist and marriage counselor, explains to Phicklephilly.

6. They refuse to compromise

Relationships require equal work and compromise in order to make both people happy and to show willingness to adapt and care for each other.

However, if your partner is refusing to compromise on both big and little issues and always set in their ways, it shows they just string you along without thinking of you as a valued factor in the matter, says Fisher.

7. You always feel guilty

If your partner is always making you feel insecure, they’re probably treating you with inadequate appreciation.

“If you’re constantly feeling guilt — the feeling you may be hurting or harming someone else, especially in the absence of doing anything intentionally hurtful — a person may be taking advantage of your sensitivity and compassion for others,” Carrie Krawiec, LMFT, tells POPSUGAR.

8. They take forever to text you back

“If your partner used to respond very quickly to messages or always answered calls but have been less responsive lately, that’s another sign they might be taking you for granted,” Anna Morgenstern, dating coach and matchmaker, explains to Phicklephilly.

If the communication has waned, they aren’t keeping you at the top of their minds. And they should be!

9. They aren’t affectionate

If your partner is less affectionate than usual, it’s also a sign they’re taking you for granted.

Besides, that spark should still be there in a happy relationship.

“Physical touch is really important in a relationship, and it helps reassure both people that the connection is still there,” says Morgenstern. “When that starts to decrease, it can cause the other person to feel hurt and confused and definitely taken for granted.”

10. They criticize your quirks

Maybe your partner used to love the way you chewed your gum or how you laughed during a movie, but if now it’s an annoyance, they’re not appreciating you for you the way they used to.

“You might notice your partner finding your little quirks less cute. In fact, they might even annoy them. That’s definitely a sign they are taking you for granted,” says Morgenstern.

11. They never include you in plans

If you’re never invited to a night out with friends or when the family comes in for a visit, it means they don’t value you as an important enough person in their life that they want around and want people to know better, explains Morgenstern.

You should be with someone who wants to make you a part of their lives and allow relationships to build in order to see a future.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Facebook: phicklephilly       Instagram: @phicklephilly       Twitter: @phicklephilly

Cherie – Chapter 55 – State of the Heart – Part 2

It’s glorious. I know some guys would want some more time with their girl but I like being alone. It’s perfect.

Can you imagine having a loyal, chill girl who is fit and loves sex that you don’t have to see all the time, and can split like a ripe melon twice a month?

I know it sounds like a booty call but it’s just the distance and busy factors that keeps us apart. When she can come down and she’s on her monthly cycle we go to the movies and dinner and I get a break. Sex with Cherie is the best I’ve ever had based on her raw satisfaction and how much she cums. Guys, can you even imagine having a girl nearly 30 years your junior that goes wild and is unbelievably satisfied every time you fuck her? It’s like living in a parallel universe. It’s like God himself has sent me the perfect girl to fuck.

No drama.

She keeps all of her family drama from you and just gives it to you the way you want it.

She’s a woman who wants you all the time. Super horny. She is a neuroscience major at Temple, works at CHOP and is a cool mom. But in the bedroom she wants you to flip her every which way and fuck the shit out of her. Whatever you want. Very much running her life every minute of the day, but in bedroom you use her like a fuck doll.

It’s glorious.

But sweet and nice and normal. It’s almost like God said “You took in your daughter at 18 when she was at a breaking point with that piece of shit ex-wife of yours… I’ll give you one more girl. She’s on the right side of thirty. She’s going to love you unconditionally and make you feel like a fucking god when you fuck her.”

I’m a good person and everyone in my life knows it but I haven’t been the best boyfriend to Cherie.

But she’s been really absent at times.

I know that’s no excuse for my gross behavior but I’ve been careful. The blog isn’t going to write itself. I know that’s no excuse, but I’ve done what I’ve done because I’m not getting any younger.

I tell my friends like Johnny R. to compartmentalized their lives. I’m great at that but most guys I know aren’t. It’s sad that they don’t see the big picture. You can absolutely love a woman and be true to her in your heart and mind. But you can still act out for activity that seems interesting and is of a certain variety. It’s not cheating. You’re committed to her. You’re just exploring some other entertainment.

I can’t replace Cherie. I love her. I cherish that she actually is committed to me and loves me over the distance and hasn’t dumped my old ass at the side of the road.

But like I said, the blog won’t write itself and I’m always looking for new content. Sometimes I feel now after two years, I’m driven by the art. I probably am. I need to feed my child. I created this tome and I must keep her nourished. But I can’t sacrifice my relationship with Cherie.

She may be the greatest girl I’ve ever met. Young, fit, smart, and so easy to be with. She’s always telling me how she loves me more than I love her. That’s amazing, easy and fun.

I haven’t seen her in two months and it’s working on both of us. Cherie has been dealing with finals at Temple and everything else. Her two jobs and her son have to be a lot. We text a lot and I think we’re cool but she’s really frustrated. I kind don’t know why she can’t hop on the train to come here and get what she claims she needs so badly.

But I don’t want to press. I know we’re good from our texts and I just have to deal with our crazy schedules.

I want this relationship to survive, because I don’t want anybody but you, Cherie.

You’re that good. You could be my final girl.

Can you imagine that you win the prize as a doctor that gets to push me around in a wheelchair when I completely fail?

I suck, and you’d do it because you are that magnificent as a woman.

I think of your experience and I know it’s very difficult and there is a lot of moving parts to your life that I can’t see, Cherie. But I love you so much when you’re with me for no reason other than you’re you and I’m me. Every day with you has been magic. Every time I’m with you it has always been easy and loving and sweet. We’re a match. I love you with all of my heart, Cherie.

I can see myself married to you.

I was walking through Rittenhouse and it was a hot summer day and you were half-naked, and I found that hot as shit. But the thing I felt talking to you was in that moment, was I’d love to be married to Cherie. She’d be an incredible wife and mom.

I had sworn off marriage in 2001 and here I was looking at Cherie knowing I’d love to wake up every day next to my sweet queen, Cherie.

Not anyone else…

I’ve been a pig.  But have I? We’re fine. I’ve had some dalliances in a very British way. Nothing came of it and we’re fine. It’s been two months since I’ve seen you and it’s killing me but let’s figure it out, doll. Even if you can come down for a couple of hours I’ll do whatever you want honey….

Anything….

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly

If Your Relationship Isn’t So Sexy Anymore, You’ll Notice These 4 Signs

The beginning of a relationship is, without a doubt, sexy AF all around. You can’t keep your hands off of each other (sorry, everyone in your vicinity, not sorry). Even a mere graze of their fingers on your lower back feels like it sends electricity shooting down your spine. But the honeymoon phase is called a “phase” for a reason. That kind of all-consuming infatuation can’t possibly last forever. That said, it’s totally possible to keep this kind of attraction alive in your relationship, no matter how long you’ve been together. So, if your relationship isn’t so sexy anymore, rest assured there’s something you can do about it.

How can you tell if your relationship has lost its sexy appeal? The first thing that may come to mind is your sex life, and while your satisfaction in that department does play an important role in your relationship, it’s not the only thing that makes it sexy. In fact, there are so many ways in which a relationship can be sexy that have nothing to do with how many times you’ve gotten off together recently.

A lot of it comes down to a combined feeling of intimacy, spontaneity, and desire. But if you suspect that your relationship may be lacking in sexiness, keep a lookout for these telling signs that it’s time to turn up the heat.

EVERYTHING IS PREDICTABLE AF.

Jovo Jovanovic/Stocksy

You have your go-to moves in the bedroom, your typical places for takeout, and your dinner dates at the same rotation of restaurants on Friday nights. TBH, even your kisses feel routine — a smooch on your way out the door, and upon coming home from work. It’s normal to fall into certain routines when you’ve been dating someone for a while, especially if you live together. And in fact, having a couple of standing traditions, like watching your favorite show together on Sundays or making a pizza together on Fridays can be totally romantic. But if basically everything has started to feel predictable, that could be a problem. After all, predictability kind of kills the opportunity for sexy vibes.

When was the last time you did something like surprise your boo with a handwritten note in their work bag or plan a spontaneous picnic lunch for the two of you? When was the last time they caught you off guard with a new technique while you were getting frisky? These are the kinds of things that make a relationship undeniably sexy.

THE COURTING HAS COME TO A DEFINITE CLOSE.

Javier Diez/Stocksy

When you think of the idea of “courting,” you probably refer back to the early stage of dating someone, when you were both trying to win each other over. Maybe your boo planned thoughtful dates a week in advance or cooked you extravagant dinners. Maybe you bought them little thoughtful gifts now and then just because. If this whole notion of courting has gone out the window, that could be a sign that your relationship isn’t exactly sexy anymore.

“If you’ve been together a long time or have started to live together, you must remember to continue dating,” says Pricilla Martinez, CEO of Regroop Online Life Coaching. “Especially if you’re living together, you need to remember that your partner is not your roommate.”

The bottom line? Just because you’re in a secure, long-term relationship doesn’t mean you should stop putting any effort in, because that can seriously hinder how sexy your relationship is.

FLIRTING IS NONEXISTENT.

Lauren Naefe/Stocksy

Flirting plays a massive role in keeping a relationship sexy. It keeps you both feeling wanted, and we all want that, don’t we? And it can be just as simple as sending your boo a quick text to let them know that you’re thinking about them, or making a playfully racy comment as they walk by. One of the easiest and most effective ways to flirt, without a doubt, is giving bae a genuine compliment.

“Make sure you’re stroking their ego and making them feel sexy,” adds Martinez. “Give what you’re hoping to get and it will pay off.”

So, have you told your boo something you love about them lately or let them know when you thought they looked fine AF? If the flirting has died in your relationship, there’s a good chance the sexy factor has, too.

PHYSICAL TOUCH ONLY HAPPENS IN THE BEDROOM.

Trinette Reed/Stocksy

The truth is, not everyone’s love language is physical touch. So, for some people, it plays more of an important role in terms of relationship satisfaction than it does for others. However, physical touch definitely breeds intimacy and trust and also contributes to how sexy your relationship is overall. Something as simple as a lingering kiss, a playful butt squeeze, or a sensual shoulder rub makes you and your partner feel connected to each other.

That means that if sex is the only time you and bae are making physical contact, then that spark may have faded somewhat. Do you know how your partner prefers to be touched, and do they know what kind of touch makes you feel loved and appreciated? Have you spontaneously wrapped your arms around them while they’re washing the dishes lately? Have they randomly given you a smooch while you were watching a movie, or held your hand while running an errand? Pay attention to how many of these kinds of affectionate gestures you participate in because they can be a solid indicator of how sexy your relationship is.

So, you’re starting to realize that your relationship is less than sexy. Now what? Fortunately, Martinez says you’re not powerless — there are certainly ways to get out of your rut and reignite the spark. Martinez advises thinking back to the early stages of your relationship to recall what worked rather than reinventing the wheel.

“At one point you both were doing things regularly that you found sexy, so start there,” she says. “One of the easiest ways to get someone back into the flow of things is to remind them that they turn you on and that you want them. Leave them notes, send them texts, change up the sexual routine, get intimate in non-sexual ways.”

But that’s not to say that novelty doesn’t play a part in keeping things exciting, either.

“A lot of people stop feeling sexy because their partner’s attention wasn’t the same even if nothing changed,” Martinez explains. “In other words, you could have been doing all of the same things that used to turn them on, but they may have become desensitized to it. You need to ramp it up.”

Infusing some spontaneity and elements of surprise into your relationship, keeping the flirting and courting going, and finding new ways to connect physically are all ways to give your relationship the jolt it may need. Remember — the more effort you put into keeping your relationship sexy, the more your SO will likely feel inclined to do the same. It’s a team effort, after all. The point is, while you may be beyond the honeymoon phase, that doesn’t mean you can’t reclaim that sense of wanting your partner oh so badly and feeling just as wanted back. And what’s sexier than that?

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Facebook: phicklephilly       Instagram: @phicklephilly       Twitter: @phicklephilly

Cherie – Chapter 54 – State of the Heart – Part 1

The coming and going of love is a fluid thing. It’s searing pain can crush you for years, but if you get back out there and try again you can come back strong. Almost like it never happened. That’s how powerful love is. It can eclipse your pain and give you back to yourself so you can give yourself again to a new person that could love you.

Cherie my love. We met some time ago. The last relationship I was in was with shitty Annabelle. (See: Annabelle – Nice to Meet You) That has been five years gone. I was hanging with my ex girlfriend Michelle before that and we were friends longer than we had been lovers. We met in 2007, became an item in 2008, moved in together and split in 2010. Like all of the girls before she loved me and wanted marriage and kids. I had already been married and divorced back in 2001. Daughter Lorelei came to live with me in 2016 in her senior year of high school to escape the nightmarish clutches of her mother. My ex-wife.

Annabelle was a painful extraction. Initially it wasn’t because I was sick and tired of her. But she kept coming back once a month for greatest hits and that made it extremely difficult. I had never experienced anything so confusing in all of my life when it came to relationships. Breakups aren’t done like that, and adults don’t do that to each other but Annabelle is ignorant, self-absorbed and foolish, so she used me to wean herself off me to deal with her loss.

I’m sure that vacuous fool is still alone. Who cares. It’s been dust for years. (Update: Saw her profile on Tinder last month!)

But I start writing this blog as the inspiration to the crazy ladies in my single life, and my friend and co-worker who tells me to tell these stories. So I’m back into it. No one likes dating. It’s hard. But you know what? Despite the incredible financial output it’s really fun. I love courtship. I have loved courtship and romance since I was a teen. Most men just do it to fuck a girl.

I’m the opposite. I love dating and getting to know a woman. I suppose that’s old-fashioned now. I hope that isn’t completely lost on our modern culture because it’s truly the best part of dating.

Meeting her for the first time. Seeing her. Her beauty. Her face. Her hair. Her beauty and voice. Her words. Her story!

I love it all.

That is why I write phicklephilly. The story and the passion of romance.

The rush of first love.

You can be destroyed by love and die in the gutter of despair. But if you find new love you will come back shiny and new like it almost didn’t happen. I have friends that are struggling with their relationships. The coming and going of love is a fluid thing. It’s searing pain can crush you for years, but if you get back out there and try again you can come back strong. Almost like it never happened. That’s how powerful love is. It can eclipse your pain and give you back to yourself so you can give yourself again to a new person that could love you.

You have to keep getting up. Don’t be bitter. Go again.

You might suck at meeting people and dating but please…please…. try again. The results can be glorious!

If you mire yourself in your past relationship, (Which you will do after a painful breakup) get active!

Go out with friends. Stay busy. Go to events. Surround yourself with good people! Sign up for Tinder, Clover, Bumble and OkCupid!

Do it!

Sure there’s a bunch of shitty people on all of that and a bunch of banged up divorced folks but take a chance. dating has never been easier for losers worldwide. It’s how it’s done now! Amazing!

That’s how I met Cherie. A great girl who is 29 and beautiful and loves me like mad. She’s fire in the sack and the most orgasmic woman I’ve ever met. She has a wonderful heart and has an inert sense of goodness and kindness that is wife material. (Yea, I said that.) We’re so sweet together that it’s almost like I’ve met my perfect match.

She’s super chill and not around much because she’s so busy with her job, education and life. Being in a relationship with Cherie has shown me the perfect relationship for me.

It really has. I’ve fooled myself my entire life thinking I can be in a domestic relationship with a woman and lived under the same roof and been in constant insecure contact. This relationship works because we’re apart. I love Cherie. I really love her. She’s a good, sweet woman and amazing to me based on the previous chapters.

Read them. What man wouldn’t absolutely love this arrangement?

I’ll finish this tomorrow!

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly