How to Survive Infidelity and Betrayal Without Betraying Yourself

Learning your spouse has had or is having an affair is earth-shattering. In an instant, the implicit trust you’ve given them – and built your life upon – evaporates. And, shell-shocked, you’re left wondering how to survive infidelity and betrayal and move forward.

When you discover your spouse has lied to you about their fidelity, it’s natural to wonder what else they’ve been duplicitous about. When you’re married, it’s also natural to define yourself in terms of your marriage.

So, it makes sense that when you discover that your marriage wasn’t what you thought it was, you seriously question how you’ll survive and what is real.

And the only way to begin answering these questions for yourself is to gain clarity on what has happened, what it means to you, and what you want for your life.

What is the difference between infidelity and betrayal?

According to the dictionary, infidelity is the action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse or other sexual partner. In other words, infidelity is about sex.

Wikipedia defines betrayal in this way: Betrayal is the breaking or violation of a presumptive contract, trust, or confidence that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship…

By being unfaithful, your spouse has betrayed you. And there are moral and psychological repercussions for the two of you and everyone else involved.

There’s no one way to deal with your spouse’s disregard for your marriage and monogamy. Some betrayed spouses choose to end their marriage. And some couples choose to look at creating a new marriage for themselves from the ashes of the previous one.

Neither of these paths forward is easy. And neither is the choice between them. Yet you will need to choose a way forward if you’re to be successful in your quest to survive infidelity and betrayal.

What percentage of marriages survive infidelity?

According to NPR, about 40 percent of American marriages are shaken to their cores by affairs. And of those marriages, more than half survive the infidelity.

Yet, just because other people make their marriages work after the betrayal of adultery, that doesn’t mean it’s in your best interest to make your marriage work.

You’ll need to decide what’s best for you and your situation.

How to survive infidelity and betrayal by choosing to make your marriage work

There are definitely good reasons for you to decide to save your marriage.

  • You have children together.
  • You have significant shared property.
  • You have been together for a long time.
  • You both love each other and are determined to do what it takes to make things right again.

If this is the path you ultimately choose, both of you will have a lot of work to do on yourselves before your marriage is whole again.

  • Committing to putting in the required effort and energy.
  • Being transparent with your spouse about what you’re thinking and feeling.
  • Releasing the betrayal.
  • Making time to work on intimacy as you become more comfortable with your spouse.
  • Being willing to create a new version of your marriage that works for both of you.

These tasks aren’t easy. They’ll require you to explore parts of yourself and your beliefs you’ve never dealt with before.

How to get through the infidelity and betrayal by divorce

On the other hand, there are good reasons to end your marriage too. Some of them include:

  • Denial of the problems that led to the infidelity and betrayal.
  • Inability to get past the anger and release the betrayal.
  • Persistent and consistent feelings of rejection.

If divorce is the truest way for you to move forward from what your spouse has done, you’ll still be faced with a tremendous about of work to do on yourself.

Some guidelines for include:

  • Accept that your marriage is over.
  • Remember that you didn’t cause the infidelity or betrayal.
  • Consider your own role in the marriage.
  • Expect to grieve – a lot.
  • Fake a smile if you have to.
  • Be grateful for every little thing.
  • Don’t drown in legalities.
  • Set long-term goals.
  • Forgive yourself and your ex.
  • Take good care of yourself.

Choosing divorce as your path forward from your spouse’s affair is difficult too. There is no one correct answer to getting through betrayal. Yet you do need to move forward.

Ultimately, the only way to survive infidelity and betrayal without betraying yourself is to get clear about what you  want. Don’t rush to decide what you want. Take your time to do your research and begin healing.

It’s only when you begin to have an idea of what could lie ahead that you’ll be able to make the best choice for how you want to move forward with your life.

 

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Celebrity Sightings: Vanessa Hudgens – Part 3

I absolutely adore Vanessa Hudgens. She is a great actress who has stupendous legs.

 

2009–2015: Focus on acting

Hudgens at the MyHabit launch at Skylight West Studios in May 2011

Following the completion of the High School Musical series, Hudgens confirmed that she was taking a break from her music career to focus more on acting.[38] She played a supporting role in a musical comedy Bandslam, which was released theatrically on August 14, 2009.[39][40] Hudgens plays “Sa5m”, a 15-year-old awkward freshman with untapped talents.[41] Although Bandslam was commercially unsuccessful, Hudgens’ performance received praise from critics.[42] David Waddington of the North Wales Pioneernoted that Hudgens “outshines the rest of the cast, failing to fit in with the outcast narrative and making the inevitable climactic ending all the more expected”,[43] and Philip French of The Guardian compared her acting to Thandie Newton and Dorothy Parker.[44] Hudgens made a return to theater productions and starred in the musical Rent as Mimi. The stage production ran from August 6–8, 2010 at the Hollywood Bowl.[45] Her involvement in the production drew negative comments, but director Neil Patrick Harris defended his decision with casting Hudgens by saying, “Vanessa [Hudgens] is awesome. She’s a friend. I asked her to come in and sing to make sure she had the chops for it. And she was very committed and seemed great.”[46]

Hudgens’ involvement in Beastly, a film based on Alex Flinn‘s novel of the same name, was announced in early 2009.[47] She played one of the main characters in the film, Linda Taylor. Hudgens described her as, “…the “beauty” of the story but not the stereotypical beauty everyone thinks of.”[48] Along with Beastly co-star, Alex Pettyfer, Hudgens was recognized as ShoWest stars of Tomorrow.[49] Beastly, which also starred Mary-Kate Olsen, was released on March 4, 2011. Beastly received mostly negative reviews, earning a 20% approval rating from Rotten Tomatoes from 89 reviews, with an average rating of 3.7/10. It was ranked No. 45 in The Times predicted “50 Biggest Movies of 2010”.[50] The film was screened at ShoWest and it drew enthusiastic reactions from the luncheon crowd of exhibition officials.[51][52] The film went on to make $28 million worldwide as of 2012. Hudgens was also cast as one of the five female leads in the action film Sucker Punch, directed by Zack Snyder.[53] She played Blondie, an institutionalized girl in an asylum. The film was released in March 2011,[54] and grossed $19 million in its first weekend at the North American box office, opening at number two.[55] By the end of its run, Sucker Punch totaled $89 million worldwide.[56] Though the film’s content was derided, it received some recognition for the visual effects of the fantasy sequences. Sucker Punchreceived a nomination at the 2011 Scream Awards for Best F/X, and its stunt work was nominated for a Taurus Award.[57]

Hudgens at the 2012 People’s Choice Awards

In October 2010, Hudgens joined the cast of Journey 2: The Mysterious Island (2012), the sequel to the 2008 film Journey to the Center of the Earth, alongside Dwayne Johnsonand Josh Hutcherson, playing Hutcherson’s love interest.[58] The film earned $325 million worldwide during its theatrical run,[59] which outperformed its predecessor.[60][61] It received generally mixed to negative reviews from critics.[62][63] The consensus from Rotten Tomatoes is: “Aggressively unambitious, Journey 2 might thrill teen viewers, but most others will find it too intense for young audiences and too cartoonishly dull for adults”.[62]

In November 2011, Hudgens announced on her official website that she would be starring with Selena Gomez and James Franco in Spring Breakers.[64] The film followed four college-aged girls who decide to rob a fast food restaurant in order to pay for their spring break.[65] It was released theatrically in March 2013,[66] receiving generally positive reviews.[67][68] The film featured mature themes such as drug use, sexual escapades, and violence.[69][70][71] To coincide with the film, Hudgens later released the dubstep-influenced song “$$$ex”,[72] with a music video featuring clips from the film.[73] The song features guest vocals from YLA, and was produced by Rock Mafia.[74] Vanessa later expressed her discomfort with a sex scene in a interview with Glow Magazine stating: “It was very nerve-racking for me. I told my agent that I never want to do it ever again.”[75][76]

In April 2011, it was reported that she would star in Gimme Shelter with Brendan Fraser, a film written and directed by Ron Krauss.[77][78] Hudgens also plays Cindy Paulson in The Frozen Ground (2013), a film based on the Robert Hansen case wherein she plays as his only victim who escaped. She co-stars with John Cusack and Nicolas Cage.[79] In 2015, Hudgens took on the title role in the new production of Alan Jay Lerner and Frederick Loewe‘s Gigi, which opened at the Kennedy Center from January 16 to February 12,[80] before transferring to Broadway on April 8.[81] The production closed on June 21.[82]

 

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Another Life – Chapter 19

Barbara and I got together the following weekend. We had a couple of drinks, and just like at the party, the conversation flowed freely. I lost track of time of time (much easier to do when you aren’t checking your phone every three minutes. Barbara took it as a compliment.

A few nights later, we went to see a band who specialized in Led Zeppelin covers. The guitarist was pretty good, but it was the lead singer people paid to see. She was female, very attractive, and could really belt it out.

By our third date, I was getting very comfortable with Barbara. She was easy to be with, and a very pretty lady. The combination of dark hair and light eyes never failed to stir me.

– “It’s getting a little noisy in here.” I said. “Want to have a drink at our place?”

Barbara smiled. I wasn’t fooling anybody with my attempt to be clever.

– “That sounds great.” she said.

I took her hand as we walked back to the apartment, and she gave my fingers a squeeze. It wasn’t very cold out yet, so we didn’t have to hurry.

But as we passed the bakery, and turned into the lane, I saw someone sitting on the step in front of our door. The person stood up, and took a step towards us.

– “Joe?”

It was Sam.

“Can I talk to you?” she said.

A hundred thoughts raced through my head. I’m not sure how I did it, but I kept my cool. I turned to Barbara.

– “I’m sorry.” I said.

She understood immediately. And she handled it with pure class.

– “Call me tomorrow?” she said, softly.

– “I will.”

Barbara squeezed my hand, and then turned to go. She only had six blocks to go to get home, along a well-lit main street. I probably should have walked her home, but I couldn’t be in two places at once.

Sam could tell from my face that I wasn’t pleased.

– “I’m sorry.” she said. “But I can never get you on the phone – I leave messages, but you never call me back. I’ve missed you …”

I took Sam inside, and made us some coffee. Fortunately, my roommates were all out.

Then I took Sam to the little table where our phone sat. I showed her the scribbles on the wall, where Laurie had (sort of) left me messages.

– “Rose always gives me the message.” I told her. “With Laurie, sometimes I get it, and sometimes I don’t. Ronnie never tells me that you phoned. But you already know that.”

I had her sit at the kitchen table. She looked more achingly pretty than ever. But her looks had never been the problem.

“Sam, if you want to call me, that’s fine with me. I won’t ever duck or dodge your calls.”

She nodded. She believed me.

“You know that I like you. You’re a beautiful woman. Sex with you is… was … fantastic. And you know that I liked being with you even when we weren’t … having sex.”

“But I can’t be your boyfriend, Sam. We can’t be a couple.”

That was hard for her. She knew it already, of course, but it wasn’t what she’d been hoping to hear when she sat waiting for me. She started to cry a little.

– “Do you have to go home – or do you want to stay over?” I asked. “No sex – but you can stay with me tonight if you want.”

Sam sniffed back the tears. “I’ll … stay.”

I turned off the coffee, and took Sam to my room. I put her to bed, and held her in my arms while she had a good cry.

Eventually, she fell asleep.

 

https://lapetitemort17.wordpress.com/?p=427

 

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How to Deal With Being in a Relationship With an Older Guy

All relationships have advantages and pitfalls. May-September relationships (where the man is significantly older than the woman, usually by at least a generation) have their special challenges. Knowing what to expect can make the difference in the relationship.

  1. 1

    Determine why you are choosing someone older as a relationship partner.

    • Sometimes the relationship is a superficial one, based upon the man’s financial situation. This stereotype is seen often in the media, and therefore makes people immediately think that if you’re with an older man, it’s because of his money.
    • Other women prefer much older men because they are attracted to the knowledge, experience and/or wisdom that comes with those years.
    • Still other women prefer older men, but only if they appear to be younger than they are. This helps negate some of the “gold digger” comments.
    • Still other women choose older men because they had an unhappy or nonexistent relationship with their father, and are trying to fill that hole they feel in their lives.
    • Other women have a “caretaker” instinct that draws them to older men who genuinely care and appreciate their kindness.
    • There are also women who are sexually attracted to men with wrinkles and gray hair.
    • Older men tend to be more grateful for their relationship with someone younger, and are somewhat less likely to cheat.
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    2

    Realize that you’ll have to deal with prejudice.

    • You’ll be mistaken for the man’s daughter or granddaughter on occasion.
    • Prepare to hear people humming “You’re Sixteen” and “Don’t Stand So Close To Me” near you.
    • Some friends will immediately think your boyfriend is creepy and will think you crazy for dating this man. You may have to convince them of his good qualities.
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    3

    If the relationship would be an illegal one, strongly consider the consequences.

    • This means that if you’re under 18, you could be subjecting the person you want to date to possible criminal charges. Even your consent is not enough to overcome statutory rape. It is in the man’s interest that you keep the relationship platonic until a romantic relationship is legal.
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    Remember to include your boyfriend in some of your activities, and let him know that he’s welcome to include you in some of his activities.

    • This will help people see that you two are not just a “secret” embarrassing item, but that you two actually do have a relationship built upon attraction, respect, trust, and shared experiences.
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    5

    Think about the future, especially if you consider marriage.

    • If you want to start a family. An older parent isn’t necessarily a bad thing … children are born to parents who are in their 40s.
    • If you’re in a March-November relationship instead of a May-September relationship (a 2-generation difference) then you need to prepare for the very real possibility that you will outlive your partner while you are still young or early middle-aged. Be sure end-of-life concerns are taken care of for your partner, and that you are emotionally ready for the stress: both during the relationship and after.
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    If you two really do love each other for the right reasons, most people will eventually accept your relationship. Those who don’t either can’t see past their prejudices or don’t care about your happiness.

 

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Cherie – Chapter 51 – Justified

You know, when you go into these things you have to compartmentalize your life. I have a girlfriend. But she lives up in Pottstown, PA. That’s 41 miles away from Philly. She can’t get down here more than once or twice a month. I love Cherie and our time together is always wonderful but it’s few and far between. She’s jammed up with school and work and raising her son.

I get texts from her about her frustration with her life. But there’s nothing I can do but listen and comfort her. But that’s hard to do from 41 miles away sitting in a chair texting back and forth. On her end I suppose she’s venting, but on my end, I just don’t feel like listening to a bunch of negative stuff at night when I’m home.

I know I should be grateful at my age to have a 27 year old hot girlfriend that isn’t around much. I get the benefits of intense sex and love and so does she but the schedules and the distance are taking their toll.

I think our relationship is fine and I enjoy my time alone or with my friends. Plus, I like to work and stay busy. So for me it works out great. I just have to gear up for the Sexual Olympics very three weeks or so.

But for her it’s different. She misses me. She gets super horny and let’s me know it. That never turns me on because there’s nothing I can do about it. It just makes me sad for her because I’m not there, and can’t be there to satisfy her desire. So I’m sure that’s frustrating. Then there’s the texts about how bad her life is, and how frustrated she is with her son, and his health and her own health. I don’t know a lot about what’s going on, and I know she doesn’t want to tell me because she says she doesn’t want to disappoint me. She says there are several things she doesn’t share because she’s afraid I’ll be disappointed and leave her. Which is simply not the case.

Like I said before. She’s young, smart and beautiful. She never brings up marriage and doesn’t want to have any more kids. I think that’s pretty much the perfect girl.

But what I miss is the romantic couple stuff. Going to the movies. Having dinner together. Going to shows and museums, etc. We rarely ever get to do anything like that. We did in the beginning but her schedule’s so crazy now she doesn’t have time anymore.

So I hope things get better and prepare myself for the worst. But after all I’ve been through with crazy ex, Annabelle, (See: Annabelle – 2013 to 1014 – Nice to Meet You) I have rewired my mind to be prepared for anything to happen and not lose my shit. So I want Cherie and I to make it, because she is one of the greatest women I’ve ever been with in my life.

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder. I agree with that statement because I’m always happy to see Cherie anytime we’re reunited, but distance can also cause an errant heart in some.

Hence, what’s happened with Ambria, last year, (See: Ambria – 2017 – Ray of Light) and now Kita. (See: Kita – 2017 to Present – Hello Lovely) So I’ll just have to see how all of this plays out.

UPDATE: Cherie is struggling financially with Temple University. She just texted me today and asked me to give her $2000. I don’t have that kind of liquidity. So I turned her down. I feel bad but I shouldn’t be lending my girlfriend that kind of money.

Had I given it to her she would have been forced into so many deviant sexual scenarios she would have never recovered from that. I did the right thing.

You think that’s funny?

I’m serious.

The blog is called, phicklephilly…

 

(Oh, come on… I’m KIDDING!)

 

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Looking For The Perfect Woman? 7 Signs You’ve Just Found Her

In this world full of so many imperfections, how it is possible for the perfect woman to exist?

And yet, every man seem to have this image of the ideal woman in his head. Rather than a normal girl, she is a compound of physical characteristics and character traits.

Reaching out to thousands of single guys out there with the request to describe their idea of the perfect woman, we’ve managed to single out the seven key characteristic that set her apart.

The girl you are dating is hardly likely to possess them all, but you can still be looking for some or most of them.

But why seven, you may ask? Well, just think of the strong charisma this number has. Seven are, for example, the deadly sins we’ve always been told to stay clear of. And the wonders of the world that attract everyone’s imagination are also seven.

So, If you recognize some of the seven signs mentioned below in your partner, or the girl you’ve been dating – congratulations! If no, then perhaps she’s got some other qualities that we’ve missed. Do not ditch her for not being perfect! There’s no guarantee that the next one will be better!

1. She does everything in style

If there’s one thing that sets the perfect woman apart from all her less extraordinary sisters, it’s the class and style she projects in all of her actions and utterances. Every gesture she makes is full of grace and dignity, but one that comes from inside, not one that has been acquired just for the particular occasion.

Having set high standards for herself, she expects the same attitude from men, and will never condescend to being with someone who’s clearly out of her league. She can recognize a real man, even if he’s not wearing an Armani suit and hasn’t come to the party by a Ferrari. For her, it’s enough to hear the confidence in his voice and see the strength in his eyes.

2. Her ambitions are high

For a woman of such class and dignity as the one described above, it is normal to have high ambitions. She does not see her as a rich man’s accessory, for she isn’t a golddigger. Her ambitions go far beyond that. They are based on hard work, diligence, consistency and perseverance, and therefore they are realistic and feasible.

She knows what she wants, and she’s ready to work hard and make sacrifices for it. Many men have run away scared of her ambitions, but this does not seem to be bothering her. She is looking for the man who can embrace them. Speaking of the perfect woman’s ambitions, she certainly must know the balance between work and personal life.

3. The perfect woman is level-headed and mature

It’s a common belief that men fall for challenging and difficult women, but here I’d like to mention that in this case challenging and difficult does not mean irresponsible and immature. The perfect woman certainly knows how to keep a man interested and intrigued, and yet she’s level-headed and mature; a wise head on young shoulders!

With such a woman by his side, every man can rest assured he’ll always get the support he needs to pursue his high ambitions and goals. By every great man in world history, there was an equally great woman.

4. She’s got brains, as well as looks

I know it can be difficult to figure out whether she’s a Harvard graduate on the first date, but you can easily figure out if her brains match the way she looks. Just talk to her. If she feels calm and comfortable discussing topics from different realms of life, then maybe she comes very close to the collective image of the perfect woman I’m talking about.

In this path of thought, she hardly notices men who tend to possess the emotional and intellectual range of a teaspoon. Tarzans and Robinson Crusoes stand zero chance of getting on her radar, because it is intelligence more than anything else that turns her on.

5. She’s outspoken and honest

The perfect woman, or at least those women who come the closest to this definition, has the courage to tell the truth, even when it hurts. She knows that when lying to her partner, she’s lying to herself. And when cheating on him, she’s cheating her own feelings.

You can easily tell if the woman in front of you’s got something to hide. Well, even if it sometimes is damn difficult to figure it out, you’ve got to try as hard as you can. If you’re looking for the perfect woman, you hardly have time to deal with a compulsive liar, do you?

If we perceive the relationship between a man an a woman as a house, the perfect woman knows that trust and respect form its foundations. She can be trusted, and naturally expects the same open attitude from the man beside her.

6. The perfect woman isn’t easy

Most girls and women who are dating actively have enough common sense not to go to bed with a man on the first date. With the perfect woman, however, this period can be a bit longer. This is because she wants to make sure that she is with the right man, and it’s safe to accept him as her lover.

More importantly, however, this is her strategy to test his interest in her. If he walks away in search for an easier girl, then he simply does not deserve to be her boyfriend. This type of behavior is quite natural. Being the weaker sex, women are cautious not to commit themselves to a man who’s not a good match for them.

7. She isn’t clingy either

As in everything else she does, the perfect woman carries herself in style in her relationships with men. She respects her partner’s personal space and expects the same from him.Therefore,

if you act as a clingy and needy wussbag around her, get ready for a farewell kiss on the cheek. She isn’t you mother to pamper you, nor is she your elder sister whose shoulder you can cry on.

Because she has a strong confidence in herself, a relationship with such a woman isn’t smothering, but motivating and inspiring.

She instinctively feels when to call or text, and when she should give you some time and space to be on your own.

As she isn’t a drama queen, she simply has no time for scenes of petty jealousy, followed by tearful attempts to get things back on track. If, driven by your own insecurity, you unjustly accuse her of cheating on you, drop all hopes that you’ll be able to make it up to her with huge bunches of flowers, boxes of chocolates, or expensive presents.

 

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If These 22 Things Described Your Relationship, You Should Be HAPPY You Broke Up

Nobody ever jumps for joy after going through a breakup — we’re not going to pretend that you should in any way be celebrating the end of your relationship with Champagne and toasts. Even when everyone around you says that you made the right choice, it can still be hard to let go. I’m speaking from legitimate experience when I say that I get it. When you’re still reeling from the breakup, and after you put so much into the relationship, it’s easy to begin to question why you’re letting it go and moving on. These are the 22 signs that you did in fact make the right choice to end things — read ’em and rest a little bit easier, then start making moves to move on!

  1. You always feared that they would leave you.
  2. You had more admiration for other couples than you did yourself and your SO.
  3. When you think back on what the relationship was like, the bad memories come up first.
  4. Jealousy was a major dynamic between the two of you.
  5. They made you feel bad for the things you’re interested in.
  6. You didn’t feel like they supported your career goals.
  7. You lost friends because of the relationship.
  8. There was a constant struggle for superiority; the two of you were never equals.
  9. Either of you would divulge that they missed the “old version” of the other.
  10. You didn’t feel comfortable around their family, or vice versa.
  11. You felt like you had to hide an aspect of who you are to maintain their approval.
  12. Either of you had to vie for affection.
  13. You or they were constantly worried about what the other was doing when you were apart.
  14. Even small conflicts turned into tumultuous arguments.
  15. There were double standards — things that one of you could do that the other couldn’t.
  16. Either of you were continually threatening to end the relationship.
  17. The relationship more often felt draining than it did uplifting.
  18. Your friends and family think the two of you are better off apart.
  19. You depended more on others for emotional support than you did your significant other.
  20. You often found yourself lashing out at your partner, sometimes without really knowing why.
  21. Your lives never fully (or easily) melded together.
  22. You were more often worried about your future together than you were excited for it.

 

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