10 Relationship Milestones and When They Should Happen

Relationships are made up of milestones that take place over time. But for beginners at relationships, here’s a guide to when they should happen.

Milestones are the events, big or small, that lead a relationship in a new direction. They mark the first time something is done, something that makes you both a little more comfortable. While every relationship has milestones, long-term ones have more, just because there’s more time together. Certain things that happen five years in just don’t happen during the first year.

While every relationship is different, and timelines may vary, there are some general time frames that seem to work for most. No matter how long you’ve been together, there’s a milestone or two you should be crossing.

When should these milestones occur?

While there’s no rule for when you should be able to accomplish something in a relationship, it’s still a good idea to know if your relationship is progressing the way most normal relationships do.

#1 Anything related to bowel movements, farts, going to the bathroom together, using it with the door open, etc. For farts, that should happen in the first 2 – 3 months, as there’s bound to be a time when you won’t be able to hold it in. Talking about going to the bathroom should happen 4 months in, but some men tend to do that as soon as they possibly can. Actually going to the bathroom together and watching each other go number one? That takes about a year, unless you happen to find yourself in a situation where it can’t be helped.

The moral of the story is people are gross, and if you love each other, you won’t really mind your partner’s bowel movements. They happen, whether or not you can see them, and the sooner you come to terms with that, the better. [Read: 13 unique ways to build intimacy with your partner]

#2 The first time one of you cries. Let’s face it, women will be more open to showing their tears than men will ever be. She might cry during a movie, when a sad song plays, or when she’s having a really rough day and crying is her outlet. This could happen within the first few months, or if she’s got a steely resolve, it might take her more than a year.

On the other hand, men are generally reluctant to cry in front of their partners, and will only do so when they’re under extreme duress or when they’re in physical pain *and that’s still pretty rare*. But men will usually be more likely to show a woman tears after at least a year of being in a relationship with her.

#3 The first time you let the crazy out. You know that weird thing you do when no one else is around, like eating cereal out of a mug, adding ketchup to your steak, or obsessively scrubbing the grout in your bathroom? The first time you show that really weird and unexplainable side of yourself to your partner is a milestone. If they stick around despite your strange ways, they might be worthy of your love. This tends to happen within the first year, roughly 4 – 8 months in.

#4 The minute you realize you’re no longer in the honeymoon phase. This is soul-crushing for relationship first timers, but for people with experience, this is the best time. No longer are both of you on your best behavior, living a lie, and being too cheesy for your own good. Now, the real fun begins, and you really get to know each other. This happens in a matter of 6 – 8 months. So, technically, those dating for a year have barely scratched the surface. [Read: The 10 stages of dating for a successful relationship]

#5 Sharing space, even if it’s at mom and dad’s house. This is when your partner’s toothbrush, hairbrush, spare clothing, and beauty products have taken over a drawer in your bedroom and the medicine cabinet in your bathroom. It happens to most people, and it’s probably bound to happen to you in time. It makes for messier breakups, but no one thinks about that when they wake up at their partner’s place and need to shower.

This should happen after at least a year of knowing that you’re serious with each other. For some, it happens in months, but those relationships tend to phase out quickly most of the time. Of course, for those on the more conservative side of the spectrum, you may find that you’ll only be sharing a space after you’re married. [Read: 14 tips to make moving in together before marriage work for you]

#6 Being at ease with the parents. This is a tough one. When you first meet them, they tend to look at you like an alien, or they’re very nice, which makes you wonder what they’re saying behind your back. This has a pretty hefty time frame, and should go away in 2-4 years.

Why so long? Because while you might feel comfortable around one parent, you might have a tinge of self-awareness around the other for a while. If you’re over it in a year or less, you’re one of the few lucky ones. [Read: 7 signs it’s time to meet the parents]

#7 The first time you take care of your sick partner or vice versa. The first year in, you’re still a little too vulnerable for this. Maybe bring them soup when they have a cold, at best. But you know that one time you needed a toilet and a trashcan at the same time for basically a full 24 hours? That kind of full-time nurse treatment doesn’t happen until 2 years in. [Read: How to take care of a sick partner without losing it]

#8 The first time one of you is too tired to have sex. This really does depend on how kinky of a relationship you two have. More so than going to the bathroom together. Some couples love to have sex, even when tired, and this “too tired to have sex” thing doesn’t happen until 3-4 years in. For others, it can happen in 2.

It really boils down to two main reasons: external forces *new job stress, a year filled with major life changes, death in the family, etc.* and your sex drive. You could easily be the kinkiest couple, with the sex drive of jackrabbits, but at the end of the day, you need to endure the “too tired to have sex” talk due to job-related stress and exhaustion.

Plus, let’s be realistic: after a while, it’s OK to admit that you’re not free to do the deed 24/7. It doesn’t mean your sex life is done for, it simply means you’re secure enough to know that there are some nights when it just won’t happen. It’s when it rarely happens that you need to worry.

#9 When you finally express your hatred toward someone in your partner’s family. It could mean their sister, mother, or uncle. It doesn’t matter. This isn’t spoken of a year in, maybe not even 2. For many, it doesn’t happen until the third year in, mainly because it will take you a while to actually get to know someone enough to dislike them.

There’s a higher chance of it coming out in the open if it’s someone your partner also doesn’t like. But if your partner is close to the person you dislike, or your partner simply doesn’t seem to have an issue with them, there’s a chance it’ll take longer. Here’s the funny thing though: say it’s their sibling. Even if your partner hates their sibling, you’ll probably hold your tongue until the third year mark anyway, simply because it’s your partner’s sibling.

#10 When you finally learn about each other’s gross habits. This happens late in the first year, but doesn’t fully explode into giant rants of honesty until the second year. You’ll start off small, like you didn’t shave your legs or you didn’t change the sheets because you didn’t expect them over. But by the third and fourth year, you’ll be describing how you haven’t showered in a week, and how you didn’t know you could smell this bad. It just escalates with time.

The good thing about this is that you reach a point where you’re used to these descriptions, and you tend to build up a natural mental blockage that prevents you from being completely turned off by your partner.

[Read: 9 relationship stages that all couples go through]

Even if your particular relationship milestone is absolutely disgusting or disheartening, they mark a time in which both of you have gotten closer, and have shared something that you didn’t realize could be special. It may be planned or it may come out as a surprise, but one thing’s for sure, each milestone deserves to be cherished.

 

 I hope this was helpful. I’d like to hear your thoughts on this piece.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day at 8am & 12pm EST.

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10 Signs Your Man Is A Keeper (And Maybe Even ‘The One’)

There are many things a man can do wrong … but these things make him Mr. Right.

When it comes to analyzing male behavior, we’re experts on the signals that clearly point toward Mr. Wrong, having sorted through thousands of dating horror stories.

But on the other side of every relationship warning sign is its opposite: an indicator that a man is keeper material.

How to know if he is the one relies on these top 10 qualities. They show that your guy really is the right one for you:

1. He’s willing to put you first.

When a man is truly committed to you and your relationship is heading for the long-term, he will make you an integral part of his daily life, as well as a top priority. A keeper will continually affirm that he loves you and is devoted to your relationship, both verbally and through his actions.

2. He’s there for you in a crisis.

A keeper will be by your side when the going gets tough. By showing he supports you in a time of real need, his actions assure you he’ll be there to hold your hand during the birth of your child, the deaths of your parents and any other high-stress or grief-ridden situations that you’re sure to face.

3. He appreciates your quirks.

A good man will fall in love with you because he cherishes your gifts and is willing to overlook your flaws. But a keeper will even find your quirkier qualities — religious reading of your and his horoscopes or habit of eating peanut butter straight from the jar with the spoon — not just tolerable but endearing.

4. He shows you how much he cares.

The most important element of any relationship is how the man you’re choosing to spend your time with treats you.

We’re not necessarily talking about bestowing upon you bouquets of red roses (though that’s always nice) but by showing you he cares about your well-being too — things like checking your tires because he thinks they look a little low or sending you an e-mail to wish you luck on your presentation at work.

5. He’s kind.

Since we were kids, we’ve been told that actions speak louder than words. This is never truer than in how your man conducts himself toward you and others. A keeper is an all-around nice person. He’s respectful to his parents (and yours), polite to waiters and waitresses, and gentle toward animals.

And he acts kindly even when he thinks no one else is looking — a true sign of good character.

6. He’s consistent.

Along the same lines as the previous sign, a keeper is reliable — a man who you can truly depend on.

While all people change throughout the courses of our lives, a man you’d want to have around for the long-term isn’t wishy-washy. His word should be stronger than oak, as the phrase goes, and his loving conduct toward you should be just as steady.

7. He wants to build a life with you.

When one person in a relationship wants to get married and the other doesn’t, you have a fundamental difference on your hands that needs to be addressed. A keeper, therefore, shares similar life goals as you do and he’ll readily work with you to make sure his plans and your plans for the future can mesh.

8. He can handle your emotions.

We think it’s safe to say that women have a track record of expressing our feelings more than our male counterparts. And said men need to know how to deal with our doing so in order to be considered our long-term partners.

A keeper will never attack you for being overly emotional by accusing you of being “just like your mother” or, our personal favorite, calling you “crazy.”

9. He fights fair.

How a man handles conflict shows as much about his character as how he acts during the good times. A keeper will express his feelings, ask for what he wants, and can receive constructive criticism — without screaming, whining or pouting. He will also be capable of listening to what’s on your mind without interjecting to correct or blame you.

10. He’s a grown-up.

On the road from child to adult, some guys stall out three-quarters of the way, never becoming self-sufficient. An immature man who refuses to adjust to the norms and values of society doesn’t see youth as a stage but rather a refuge from responsibility.

A keeper, on the other hand, is not just competent but confident in successfully managing his own life.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day at 8am & 12pm EST.

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How to Save Your Relationship

Expert Advice on Ways to Save Your Relationship — and How to Know If It’s Beyond Repair

How to Save Your Relationship

How can you tell if your relationship or marriage is experiencing more than just a rough patch? We talked to relationship expert and author Dr. Jane Greer to find out. According to her, there’s a telling sign that you and your partner’s problems are beyond repair.

“If one person is insistent and adamant that they’re not at fault and not doing anything wrong or they’re blaming you — making you the problem, saying you’re being critical . . . a relationship is about two people making it work, not one,” Dr. Greer told phicklephilly. “It’s a red flag if they aren’t willing to be open-minded and grow. Things are going to continue the way they’ve been.”

The only way couples can fix issues in their relationship is if both parties are committed to making it work. But if you continue to butt heads in the process, you’ll prevent yourselves from making any real progress. Unless he or she is prepared to put their stubbornness aside, you’ll remain at a standstill.

To further gauge where your relationship stands, Dr. Greer says to first “confront the issue head-on” and “start from a place of mutuality.” Have an open and honest conversation with your partner about the state of your partnership. See if they’ve also noticed the same things. Are you two always upset with each other? Does it feel like you’ve grown apart? And as difficult as it may be, go as far as asking your partner whether they see your relationship ending to really get a sense of how bad things are.

“If they say yes, ask what the most distressing things are — what are the worst problems that are making them want to end the relationship?” Dr. Greer said. “What are they unhappy about? How can you change and adapt to fix some of these issues? Then you switch and do the same for them.”

If this only sparks an argument, consider seeing a relationship counselor or therapist to help facilitate. Otherwise, if the two of you find yourselves exchanging constructive feedback, continue to focus on one behavior or problem area at a time to improve on. Dr. Greer explained how beginning there and taking a pulse once a month to evaluate any progress will best help you move forward as a couple and possibly come out on the other end even stronger.

“For example, if one person is really messy, or one person doesn’t want to have sex, or whatever, work on the changes you agreed upon, and then see where things are in a few weeks,” she said. “Talk about it again, revisit it. Ask if your partner sees any changes. Do they feel you’re more cooperative? Less messy? Initiating more sex? Etc. This will have you working as a team in a cooperative spirit.”

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day at 8am & 12pm EST.

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How To Know If Your Partner Is Cheating On You, According To Science

Rosie McCall

The Conversation

Picture Morgan Freeman, Donald Trump or Margaret Thatcher. Most likely you can hear their voices in your mind, and the characteristic inflections that they put on certain words, as well as their tone and pitch. Even without listening to the words, when you hear someone speak you can pick up important information about them from characteristics such as how loud or deep their voice is.

At the most basic level, voices convey biological characteristics such as whether someone is male or female, their body size and physical strengthage and sexual maturity. For example, Donald Trump’s voice can signal to you that he is a man, and that he has passed middle age. But did you know that voices can also signal a person’s attractiveness, fertility and even the likelihood of them being unfaithful?

A popular theory with evolutionary psychologists, known as “cads versus dads”, suggests that more masculine, dominant men are not as paternal and generally invest less in their children and grandchildren than less masculine men. Yet research shows women generally prefer deeper voiced, more masculine-sounding men, especially when these women are near ovulation.

This may be because partnering with deeper-voiced men could lead to genetically healthier children. Deeper voices have been linked to having more surviving children and grandchildrenhigher testosterone and lower stress hormones, and longer-term survival in men.

On the other hand, deeper-voiced men are also rated by women as more likely to cheat on a partner and as less trustworthy in general. Women who judge men with lower-pitched voices as more likely to cheat also prefer those men for short-term rather than long-term partners. Meanwhile, when women are breastfeeding and so currently taking care of a child, they are more likely to prefer men with higher-pitched voices than at other times.

This suggests women use something in men’s voices to try to assess how likely to cheat they are, as well as their general trustworthiness. This in turn can affect their attractiveness as a partner, depending on whether the women are drawn towards the paternal care of a potential long-term mate or just good genes.

Spotting a cheater

But can our voices really indicate whether we are likely to cheat? A recent study suggests that they can. Participants were played recordings of people speaking and given no other background information about them, and successfully rated cheaters as “more likely to cheat” than non-cheaters. Interestingly, women were better at this task than men.

The recordings were taken from people with voices of similar pitch and attractiveness, who were of similar size and shape, and had similar sexual histories (aside from cheating). This means that none of these factors affected the results. So we currently don’t know what cues the participants used to judge whether the voices came from cheaters.

It is not only women who can pick up on men’s vocal cues of good genes and likelihood to cheat, and use it to their benefit. A woman’s voice changes during her menstrual cycle when she is not using contraceptive pills. Perhaps unsurprisingly, men find women’s voices most attractive when the women are near ovulation (most fertile), than at other times of the month. This information is important to pick up on, as women do not display very explicit signals that they are fertile (unlike baboon females whose bottoms turn red, or female deer who release scents to advertise their fertility).

Voices can also signal whether someone is interested in you. In one clever study, participants were asked to judge the voices of individuals who spoke in a different language to attractive or unattractive potential partners or competitors.

The researchers found that, when talking to attractive people, men’s voices tend to reach a deeper pitch, and both men and women increase how varied their pitch is so their voices sound more dynamic than monotonous. Practically speaking, picking up on these types of cues could allow someone to decide whether a person they are talking to might be attracted to them or not.

In these ways, the non-verbal characteristics of voices can play a significant role in signalling health, fertility, attraction and potential infidelity, to name a few. Picking up on these cues, alongside the many other cues we receive when talking to someone, can help us make more informed and well-rounded choices about who to spend time with and who to avoid. But the next time you find yourself listening to and judging someone’s voice for these subtle cues, remember that they are judging yours, too.

 

 

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An Expert Improved My Tinder Profile & The Results Were Immediate

Here’s an article by one of my female followers.

As a dating writer —  I’m constantly tweaking my dating app profiles. I test different pictures and new bios in an effort to get more matches, have more engaging conversations, and hopefully go on more dates. An improved Tinder profile doesn’t mean catering to what you think potential matches want to see; it’s all about portraying your best self. You want to express your personality in a way that helps other people to recognize how amazing you are.

To help me do just that, I enlisted the help of Meredith Golden, online dating expert and founder of SpoonmeetSpoon. Golden is a dating app ghostwriter who swipes on her clients’ apps for a living, so she really knows her stuff. She analyzed my Tinder profile and let me know what aspects were working in my favor, and what elements could be improved. After implementing the changes, I saw immediate results.

Her advice is always specific to the client, so while some of these changes may be applicable to you, it’s important to remember that your dating app profile is particular to you as an individual. If my experience working with an online dating expert taught me one thing, it’s that you want your profile to be as unique as you are. So by all means, learn from my mistakes. Just know that what works for one person may not always work for another. If you’re interested in some personalized feedback, you can always work with Golden yourself. She’s basically a fairy godmother for online dating.

Golden’s first order of business was to look through my pictures. She saw that I had my Instagram connected to Tinder, so she scrolled through there and picked out a few photos she liked better. She explained that the photos she cut weren’t as flattering as they could be, and she wanted to show off my most attractive qualities. “Some of your pictures convey how adorable you are and work for you,” she said. Others, not as much.

She cut my six previous selections down to five, keeping two and swapping out three. For my first photo, she chose one of me posing on a garden bench, smiling in a grey sweater and jeans. “My goal when you’re talking to someone on Tinder is for them to swipe right on you,” she said. “I want that first picture to hit it out of the park.” She emphasized that I looked pretty and radiated positivity in this picture. Plus, she liked that I was seated so my figure is visible.

Jamie Kravitz/Tinder

She also advised me to disconnect my Instagram and protect my privacy. We talked about how usually a person will only look through a potential match’s Instagram if they’re on the fence about swiping right or left. For most people, a few featured photos are enough to make a decision. “I would rather you just put your best foot forward,” Golden told me. “You bring a lot to the table with four or five fabulous pictures. Disable your Instagram so you can control what you’re putting out there.”

We settled on three solo pics, one of me and my mom to show I’m close with my family, and one photo that didn’t have me in it at all. This was a surprise to me, and Golden said she wouldn’t do this in all instances. In my case, though, she thought a photo of my bookshelf really showed my personality and made for an interesting talking point.

“I want your profile to be a comprehensive story about you that still portrays you as being attractive,” said Golden. “I’m not having you eating a burrito with food hanging out of your mouth in any of the pictures, which I see all the time and I have no idea why people do that. I want to show that you have personality and that you’re approachable and engaging.”

Then we moved on to my bio, which Golden thought was funny, but not personal enough. I was actually still using one I had previously crafted for an article about Tinder bios: “Looking for a partner in crime. Must enjoy long walks in the park, be extremely loyal, and always get excited when I come home from work. Bonus points if you’re actually a dog.”

Especially because we disconnected my Instagram, she wanted me to mention things about myself. “I would focus more on you. There’s a technique I borrow from Hinge: two truths and a lie. You can put that on your description on Tinder, because it generates a conversation,” she said. (Hinge uses a number of different prompts to help you fill out your profile, and two truths and a lie is a popular choice.)

We chose two basic, but interesting facts about me, and made up a third. We said that I’m great at roller skating, which I’m definitely not, but it’s not a claim that’s out of the realm of possibility. Golden said that this approach makes it really easy for even the laziest guy to send me a message guessing which one is the lie. “In the profile description, I want someone to have something to talk to you about,” she said. “I want the guy to start and I want to give him some data. Two truths and a lie is an easy way to do that.”

Next up were my preferences. I had my radius set to 10 miles, which she said was a good distance from my home in Manhattan. She thought it was important to reach the other boroughs of the city, plus the adjacent city of Hoboken, New Jersey. “We don’t need to do like 30 miles to take us to the suburbs, because at 22, you’re not dating someone who’s got kids,” she said.

Ten miles in the city feels like a lot, since I typically find that my matches are usually only two or three miles away. I would be open to dating someone who lives farther, and I don’t want to miss out on someone great just because I’d prefer not to take the subway.

My age range was from 22 to 28 (I’m 22), and Golden suggested I bump up my maximum age to 32. “I know that sounds totally creepy from where you sit at 22, but I think women tend to mature faster than guys,” she said. She explained that a 30-year-old guy who has a great career and is looking for an equally great relationship is likely to open up his search to include much younger women. In order for us to be on each other’s radars, I needed to increase my age preferences to include older men. “It opens up your dating options. He’s 30 or 31 but you’re in the same stage of life,” said Golden.

I see her point, though I am a little concerned we wouldn’t have much in common. She told me that I would likely freak out the first time I went out on a date with someone who is over 30, but after five or so dates it wouldn’t feel like a big deal. I haven’t set one up yet, so I’ll have to keep you posted.

I made those changes and got to swiping. I’m not exaggerating when I say I saw results right away. I matched with one guy, and he immediately messaged me saying, “Is that a Harry Potter bobblehead?!” about the picture of my bookshelf. Then, he took on my two truths and a lie (and got it right). A few other guys also messaged me first trying to guess the lie in my bio.

Jamie Kravitz/Tinder

I feel like I’m getting better quality matches, and more engaging messages from those matches. Men are messaging me first more than they did before. I’ve set up three actual dates already. Matching with older guys feels more serious, but not in a bad way. They’re asking me on legitimate dates to dinner or the movies, rather than just expecting to come over to my place and hook up.

View image on Twitter

 

Talk about an eye-opening experience. I never would have thought to make some of these changes on my own, but they’re already paying off.

 

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3 Mistakes Women Make When Men Cheat

When your man cheats, it feels like your entire universe is crumbling around you. Most women dealing with a cheating husband or boyfriend start thinking of ways to fix the situation. We wonder what we’ve done to drive him to the arms of another woman. We struggle to think of ways to bring him back.

STOP!

Cheaters cheat. That’s it. Cheating is not about boredom or dissatisfaction. Cheating is the result of a psychological flaw that allows men or women to rationalize cheating and breaking vows. Affairs are not normal, healthy reactions to uncommon relationship struggles. Rather, they are unhealthy reactions to trials and tribulations that are common to most relationships from time to time.

Don’t torture or embarrass yourself making the same mistakes millions of women make when they know their man is cheating. Save your self-respect, dignity, and time by cutting your losses and freeing yourself for a better relationship with a more functional man.

 

Mistake #1 — The Investigation

When women suspect their man is cheating, the first mistake they make is launching a fact-finding mission. Spying, calling around, and interrogating their partners, women invest their energy in a senseless hunt to prove what is already obvious: the relationship is seriously broken.

You don’t need proof that your man is cheating to know that something isn’t working between the two of you. Whether he’s actually cheating or you’re just seriously paranoid, evidence isn’t required to know something has to change. Driving yourself mad trying to catch him in the act of cheating won’t deliver the peace of mind you are looking for. It will only make you look and feel crazy.

 

Mistake #2 — Blaming the Other Woman

Yeah, she’s got to be pure evil to steal another woman’s man, but that’s really not the point. She’s not the one who committed to you and promised to be true to you, and then cheated on you. More importantly, if it wasn’t her, it would be someone else.

People cheat because they are cheaters. When a man cheats it’s not because he was innocently seduced by another woman’s wicked charms. It’s not because she offered something you didn’t. It’s not because she’s better than you. Cheaters cheat. They don’t need temptation to have an affair.

Let go of your anger towards the other woman. It’s misguided. Focus instead on the fact that the partner you were in a relationship with violated his commitment to monogamy. If it wasn’t her, he’d have found someone else. Even if she leaves the picture, there are millions of women in the world for him to cheat with.

 

Mistake #3 — Changing to Keep Him

First of all, if your man is cheating, the last thing you want is to keep him around. Cheating is a pattern of behavior that won’t stop no matter how many promises he makes or how many changes you make to keep his attention. If he has cheated on you, it’s time to move on. Cheaters cheat . . . and cheat . . . and cheat.

Second, you didn’t drive him to cheat. If your man is cheating, it’s not a reflection of your worth, but an indication that he is incapable of handling the responsibility of maintaining a relationship. He is lacking mature adult coping skills. The problem is his, NOT YOURS.

Because you didn’t cause your man to cheat, you can’t stop it either. There is nothing you can change in yourself to make a cheater be loyal. Stop thinking that if you were thinner, prettier, wilder in bed, or more exciting he would be faithful. If your man is cheating, he’s not thinking about you one way or another.

 

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10 Ways to Win a Girl’s Heart

10 Ways to Win a Girl’s Heart

How the average guy can get the beauty queen

Disclaimer: This is not intended for the guy who wants a one-night stand. There are books like “The Game” and “The Players Handbook” which can give you great techniques to hook up and end up with an empty life and a roster of regrets. If you want the most beautiful girl in the world on the outside and inside, a girl you would be proud to show off to all of your friends AND family, and a girl to build the foundation of a full life together, then “10 Ways to Win a Girl’s Heart” is for you.

I can’t believe it. In a few weeks I will be marrying my dream girl. She’s the type of woman who blew all of my expectations and checklists out of the water. I look down at her in my arms, and I know I’ve found the treasure of a lifetime. She’s so delicate both physically and emotionally. It’s like I’m holding the rarest piece of artwork in the world. I want to treat her gently, speak loving words, and plant kisses all over her sweet-smelling skin. I can’t help but think, “How did you, Kris, get the most precious jewel in the world????” After all, she’s much more than a beautiful creature to stare at. She’s intelligent, well-spoken, athletic, care-free, and creative. She’s like a fairy tale princess. She was Miss USA!!!

The other night, we’re on a hike, and as we get to the top, we encounter the most beautiful view. It’s literally all the colors Kristen picked out for our wedding, and she’s in awe. I am caught in between the most beautiful woman and the most beautiful sunset God has created. I’m talking to her about this article idea. After all, I want this content to be the turning point for the good guys out there. I’m all about the underdog coming back for the win, and it just seems the good guy ends up being the one who loses to these generic techniques some greasy dude fine tunes from using over and over again. So, I asked her what things I did to win her over.

Are you ready to win your dream girl? Here are 10 ways to win a girl’s heart:

1. Be pursuant

Pursue her without the pressure. In other words, don’t try to “front” and be cocky. Have a conversation first and show her you are interested beyond her appearance. You don’t have to come up with some crazy pickup line. You can simply say, “I want to introduce myself…”Be sincere and genuine in wanting to get to know her. I see too many good guys get intimidated by a girl’s beauty up front, but take a closer look, and find her true self. Honestly, if you can get past this, you’ll have a leg up on the other idiots out there. After all, being genuine is where you excel the most. This is why you are the good guy!!

2. Be a gentleman

Girls don’t want to be treated like a queen, but they do want to be treated like a princess. She doesn’t want you to be a doormat, she wants you to be the one in charge. Open every door for her, especially the car door. Pull out her chair and allow her to sit down first when you take her on a date, and let her order first. When you are walking alongside the street, you should be the one walking closest to the street. Being a gentleman is being selfless.

3. Be complimentary

On our first date, I told her “You look so beautiful.” I then told her how great she looked when I saw her without makeup the night before. It was real and sincere. While she later revealed to me that she had been testing me to see if I would still like her without makeup, I simply saw a girl who didn’t have enough time because she just got done at the gym. That was incredibly sexy to me.

4. Be creative

You don’t have to blow your bank account to impress her. Think outside the box. I’ve been watching one of my good buds Danny pursue his girl right. [Update: Danny Booko is now engaged to Nia, the current Miss USA 2014.] He took her on a hike in Malibu, CA to waterfalls and then took her to this place called M Café complete with swans. He’s also taken her to the Getty museum and the zoo, which are free. Another idea is to take her to a place like Color Me Mine, where you paint your own pottery. Putting thought and originality into a date lets her know you really care about showing her the best in life and it allows you to experience each other across various situations.

5. Be intentional

Invite her to parties, events, and game nights with your friends. I called Kristen every day when I finally got her number. I sent her encouraging text messages and inspirational Bible verses. I told her I wanted to be her man on our fifth date. She wasn’t ready, but she knew what I wanted. I gave her the time she needed with no stipulations, while still pursuing her intentionally. She told me she loved that.

6. Speak well of her in front of other people

Hold her hand. Pick-up artists recommend saying backhanded compliments, but nothing beats a genuine and sincere compliment. A backhanded compliment might work for a one-night stand, but come on, this is a poisonous ingredient in trying to form a long-term relationship. Treat her just as kindly in front of friends and family as you do when you are alone.

7. Be attentive

Show her that you care for her and her needs. Pay attention to the small details. Girls care about the small stuff, big time. For instance, on our first date, I knew Kristen was a vegetarian, so I took her to a vegetarian restaurant called Café Gratitude. Listen to what she has to say.

8. Be protective

Don’t let her walk alone to her car. If she’s going on a jog or walk at night, tell her you want to go to keep her safe. If she’s going to the gas station at night, go with her. If you’re at a club and she needs to go to the restroom, take her there and wait outside the door.

9. Be a good listener

Ask solid open-ended questions that include “what,” “how,” and “why.” If you’re doing most of the talking, you’re not getting very far with her. Show her you care with body language and by repeating back some of what she just told you.

10. Be romantic

Plan ahead. What do you want your love story to be? You are the writer. When people ask where your first kiss was, you don’t want her to answer with the driveway or that you were drunk at a party. The night I kissed a girl for the first time, I wanted it to be special. I took her to an overlook on Mulholland Drive. We stood on top of the city, and that night I was her very own Superman. It was a special moment.

Finally, be yourself. There won’t be much longevity if she’s fallen for a false persona, and why would you want that anyway? I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m not the coolest guy out there, so I have fun in my dorkiness. There is no one else like you, so be confident. When you are walking in truth, game isn’t necessary. You’ve already won.

 

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