48 Women Share Things Men Write On Their Dating Profiles That Are Instant Deal-Breakers

Consider this an unapologetically brutal crash course in how NOT to carry yourself on dating apps.

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      Face - Chlaramydia, 21 Aidy, 26 less than a kilometer away less than a kilometer away

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    Text - Picture of guy flipping off the camera "Swipe left if..." The use of words or phrases that imply a lot of previous drama (petty, sick of games, etc) "I never message first..." Guys who throw themselves a pity party in their bio/obviously have no self confidence

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    Text - "Is every woman on here shallow? Prove me wrong!" "Just a super nice guy looking for his one true love" Or if they write an entire profile full of spelling mistakes. "I'm hear 4 a good tiem, hmu"

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    Cheezburger Image 9055564544

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    Text - "I'm probably more awesome than you." A friend wanted to know why he was never getting girls. This was on his page. I told him if I saw this I'd see it as a major red flag and indication of negging to come.

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    Cheezburger Image 9055565056

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    Text - pictures of your children or even worse, someone else's kids. I get it that people want to be upfront about having kids, but I find it extremely weird that people post pictures of their children on dating sites. And other peoples kids? Even weirder and much more creepy. Just don't...we can read from your ile if you have kids or not.

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    Text - Of course this doesn't just go for guys - but people in general. Saying, "I'm funny, nice, motivated", etc., is a huge turn off. Instead, say something funny in your profile, make yourself come off nice - don't self proclaim yourself positive adjectives - let others be the judge of that. That's not humble, 'nice', or funny. There's a lot of that in profiles around my area.

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    Text - A list of NO NO fatties NO feminists No uglies NO asians NO tattoos NO piercings NO trannies NO Cool. Coolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcool. Clearly you're a catch. Gonna move on and faaaar away And the ones who brag about alpha male red pill meninist bull. Hello red flag! Not written but when the only pictures are blurry shots of multiple men drinking beer? Nope

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    Text - Complaining about having gone on dates with women who didn't "look as good" as their profile pictures, or demanding proof that profile pictures are up-to-date or pictures are not taken by a professional photographer. Basically being presumptuous /bitter/ accusatory that women misrepresent themselves in their profiles, which wastes his time. So entitled and dehumanizing! Yet surprisingly common.

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    Text - The use of emojis in the profile or conversation. "Just a super down to guy..." "I don't really read much because I'm so busy at the gym....does men's fitness count? Lol" "Looking for a step mom for my kids." "Suuuuuuuuper sarcastic so if you don't get my humor, oh well." The worst is if we ever get to the point of talking and my military career comes up - "oh yeah? I wanted to join the army, but I would punch a guy if he started yelling at me like they do." No, ass hat, you wouldn't. You

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    Text - "I'm a King looking for my Queen." Run. Do not walk. Run, from profiles that have this line or some version of this.

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    Text - School of Hard Knocks (just sounds like zero education for me), General Manager at "None of your Business".... just leave them blank Partner in crime, Tinderella, Unicorn (or any of the other tired phrases) Smoking in your pictures. One single picture, or super low quality, unflattering pictures... or several pictures that aren't you (like your food, memes, making fun of sports teams/politicians.... your vehicle... scenery) 420 friendly (I don't care if you smoke, but if you have 10 words

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    Text - Not a woman but I'm sure this one isn't gender exclusive. "I love to laugh." No shit? Bumme... I was really hoping to find my female Ben Stein. It's like saying "I'm a nice guy." If you can't think of enough about yourself that you feel the need to point out something you share with literally 99.9% of humanity you're probably REALLY boring.

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    Text - Once had some guy message me. Checked his profile and it was a lot of ranting about how women never give him a chance, are all sluts looking to date assholes, etc. A couple of his profile pictures contained pictures of him showing off various weapons. reply

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    Text - Men of Reddit, how many of you deleted your shirtless selfies and fixed the "your"s in your profile after reading this thread?

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    Text - Honestly I saw this once: God and Jesus are my life. Looking for my future helpmeet. If you think you're strong and independent, keep moving. Women like that will never submit to their godly husbands as the Bible commands. And on the other end of the spectrum, some guy messaged me to tell me that he WOULD carry on a conversation with me but my belief in a higher power shows a lack of intelligence on a deep level that "can't be fixed." Then why the FUCK would you message me at all??

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    Text - One guy who once copy-pasted the same creepy message (don't remember the contents as this was many years ago) to me and a friend complained about "high standards bitches" on his profile He didn't like me calling out his copypaste thing so he called me "another high standards bitch." General life pro tip, don't refer to women by derogatory names on a dating site profile.

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    Text - Making an inappropriate joke about my race on their profile/to me. Examples: "Praising the 'asain!. " "Darker the berry the sweeter the juice. "[A]sian persuasion " (<one i recieved yesterday on okcupid) no, please. no

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    Text - "I just want someone who can hold an intelligent conversation." Every single guy I've come across that says this usually means "I want to talk about things I'm interested in and nothing else."

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    Text - Anything along the lines of "just tired of games" or "looking for someone who is real" You sound like a whiney person who has some serious baggage.

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    Text - "over 6' since apparently that fucking matters" "Just in town for x days" "Tacos and beer and whiskey" Emoji lists Pointing out that you're into fitness as if I couldn't tell by the fact that all your photos are gym selfies

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    Text - I once saw a profile where the dude literally threatened to find you online and post all the raunchy selfies you shared with him if things went sour. Like seriously? Who exactly is your target audience? But mostly it's just blank profiles. I always skip them

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    Text - For me it was when they said yes to "drinks often" I always wanted and alcoholic. also never messaged anyone back who posted pictures of their kids on their profile. I am proud of mine and I love him but I would never put his picture on my page. Hell, no one even got to meet him until weeks or months in. Those sites are for adults and believe me, there are a lot of weirdos. Keep your kids pics private.

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    Text - "No fatties" I have no issue with peoples personal preference but that is just rude. If you are uninterested in overweight people just don't talk or engage with those people

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    Text - Maybe it's because of my advanced age (late 30's), but MOST of the men wait until we are on our first date before admitting that they are actually older than what they stated on their profile. I even state CLEARLY on my profile for men to not message me if they are lying about their age. Don't waste our time. Sheesh

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    Text - Late to the party but I have seen SO many guys put things like "RIP Grandma 6.2.17" Yes, Tinder is totally the place to remember your deceased grandmother.

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    Text - "Djrtjenfrognsskganfkdsnfsjdkfbdnd" I'll fill that bit in later. (never does) "Nobody ever reads this part" "Loves to go out partying every weekend with the boys" Any topless picture, bad spelling, bad grammar, text talk, complaining about what kind of woman he doesn't want, pictures of his car, pictures of a random expensive item of clothing, pictures of himself at the gym" "Wants to date but nothing serious"

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    Text - "Not into weird stuff" Probably most definitely is into weird stuff.

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    Text - I'm a happily married woman but reading this treasure trove of horror stories makes my husband and me want to create a dummy profile just to look through all this. At the same time, I'm terrified of who I know that we'd see.

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    Text - Bad grammar. OMG. Put your best foot forward. Not you're

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    Text - This is what happens when you've been together too long... I asked my wife what I could put on my dating profile that would make her not want to date me. She put down her book, lowered her reading glasses, looked me straight in the eye and said "Stop surfing reddit and take out the damn garbage!"

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    Text - After reading this: I found out I'm doing a pretty good job with my dating profile and I do the conversation thing pretty well too. It's too bad I'm ugly EDIT: THANK YOU FOR THE GOLD, KIND STRANGER! First time ever!

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    Text - For pictures: When all of your tinder pictures are with other girls or poor attempts to crop your ex out. Edit: I'm taking about every single photo here people.... Either A) you have no good pictures of yourself without your ex. (Which is a frequent case unfortunately) B) you are trying to portray yourself as being able to get a lot of girls, so you deliberately post pictures of yourself with only groups of girls.

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    Text - "Fluent in sarcasm." I think this one's unisex Translation-- I'm not funny, but I've convinced myself that the reason nobody laughs at my jokes is that they're just too intellectual and edgy for a mainstream audience. I'm also put off by a huge wall of "favorites." Maybe this isn't as much of an issue in the Tinder age (I've been out of the game for a couple of years) but I used to see a ton of guys who would list, like, two hundred favorite movies or bands. It's a good sign that he's goi

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    Text - I'm most turned off by men that have a very specific set of "rules" or "priorities". It makes it sound like they're saying "this is the space in my life that you are expected to fill, don't deviate from this" I was most attracted to a man that had a profile that described himself humbly and with humour. I was also very drawn to the profile picture with a big friendly smile. It felt like he was showing me his authentic self. Getting married next year. :)

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    Text - Really any list of people you don't want to date. It just makes you look like an asshole...just filter out who you don't want. Admittedly I haven't been single in two years so I'm not sure if men are still doing that, but if they are, stop it.

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    Text - The shirtless pic of you in your bathroom mirror. The group picture with no indication of who you are I'll assume you are the least attractive person in that picture and you are trying to use your more attractive friends to get me to click on your profile (frequently that seems to be the case). That irritates me since it feels like you are trying to pull a bait and switch edit: So apparently the group thing is something women are also guilty of. I'm sure it is irritating regardless of gen

  • 39
    Text - Okay I haven't seen this yet but when guys take a picture of themselves where the camera is angled UP at their face from their lap...?? Nothing is more unattractive than a guys sudden double chin and uninterested glare, it's the worst angle for anyone! It's the same look women get if they look up while giving a blow job. It's not the best way to show off your face, guys.

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    Text - Personally, I can't stand the "Bet $20 you swiped left" or "What's the point, you'll swipe left anyway" I will not end up pity swiping right or because I want to prove you wrong. And anything about dogs always being "number one" or "must love dogs" is so overused it seems pretentious. Jokes on them because cats are the true overlords anyway.

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    Text - I think it's hilarious that 40+ guys are reporting they don't have kids but want them in the future. They clearly are interested in women that are 10 years their junior. Swipe left I also read.... "no drama" it leads me to believe if you have to state you don't want drama your life is already filled with it. Swipe left. When did so many men become near professional athletes? So many talented mountain bikers, triathletes, yogis, extreme marathoner, ski, hike etc. I get tired just reading t

  • 42
    Text - About me: "Just ask" Likes: "Idk, lots of stuff lol" Either that, or "I'm a true gentleman just looking for a real lady." Self-proclaimed gentleman are usually damaged, doormats, or wish reality was like TV-1950s. But the worst - the actual worst - only reveal themselves after you start messaging. The ones who make you carry the whole conversation. They never ask questions, even when they were the ones who initiated, and they give one-sentence answers. The worst.

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    Text - Blank profiles. Profiles that make it clear you are deeply full of yourself. Ones with shirtless mirror photos. Edit: Wow. First comment over 10k upvotes Thanks, all!

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    Text - Complaining about exes on the profile is a big deal breaker for me.

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    Text - god family ball grind gains goals hmu) for you geezers... hmu stands for "hit me up"

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    Text - Bad grammar. Saying you like to party as if that's your favourite hobby. That weird review thing they do like "best guy ever - the times" or something.

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    Text - "Get at me!" "Just chillin hmu" A list of emojis I'm supposed to decipher that explain who you are "420 is my middle name" (not against it, just don't care for it IMO) "I'm really 19 not sure why it says 26 haha )" Edit: Oh, and I just saw one that simply says, "My dick is 9" l'll prove it ;)"

  • 48
    Text - Anything that insinuates you're too good to be on [insert dating site here]. If you were really too good for Tinder, you wouldn't be on Tinder.

  • 49
    Text - Not on the profile, but when they msg you out of nowhere and the first thing they say is sexual. I legitimately had a guy msg me, "I want to shoot in your mouth" as a first msg Never saw or heard from the guy before and THAT'S how he thinks it would be appropriate to start a conversation. I mean really. Edit: this did not happen on tinder

 

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Rebecca – Chapter 1 – Dark Wings of Destiny – Part 1

Out of all of the posts I’ve written, this one is by far my favorite.

I met Rebecca 3 years ago on a date. Rebecca has recently made an appearance in my life so I thought I’d re-run this series so everyone won’t have to go back and search for her series to catch up. Enjoy!

 

Fall of 2016

Here is still another Tinder date. It’s like I’ve been on a Tinder bender! What if we call that a “Binder” from now on? Do you think that could catch on? I can’t take credit for that SNL winning catch phrase. That honor goes to my ex-girlfriend, Michelle. She came up with that bit. It’s really good. There are girls that say they’re funny and there are girls that are funny. Michelle doesn’t have time for bullshit so she sees the truth and the irony in the same minute. (See: Michelle – A Brand New Day) Great series!

Out of all of the posts I’ve written, this one is by far my favorite.

So I’ve been swiping right a lot lately. I look at this way, if I say yes to everyone it improves my odds of making more contacts. It’s like sales, if you just call on the clients who have stuff you like, you won’t close as many deals. But if you call on as many clients as possible, your close rate will rise. Sure, I get some women whose profiles scream swipe left, but I just never reach out to them when it comes up a match. I hope I never hear from them but if I do I simply ignore them. Fickle bastard that I am.

So Rebecca came up as a match. She’s much younger than I am so I immediately think she’s looking for a sugar daddy. There are several girls looking for that on Tinder. It’s really just a nice way to say prostitute. So my guard is up and I’m ready for the inevitable. So if I’m even the slightest bit interested in a woman I’ll simply say hello and wait.

She got back to me in under an hour.

I always ask the same question. “What prompted you to swipe right on my profile?” Her response was, “I like gentlemen, I’m an aspiring artist, writer and musician, and I love exploring Philadelphia.” Normally that sounds like the perfect girl for me. But I’m still prepared for the red flags that could unfurl at any moment. I tell her about myself and ask her another one of my classic questions: “What do you like to do in your free time?” If the answer is shopping, sleeping, or getting drunk with her friends, she’s probably a crazy loser, or simply a young person. But she says: “I like to go to the museums here. I enjoy the theater. I draw and sing, mostly opera. I’m also in grad school at UPenn.” She says the Barnes is amazing. Agreed. Who doesn’t want to see a billion dollar art collection all procured by one guy? That place once won me the interest of my last girlfriend. Took her there on our first date. (See: Annabelle)

So, I ask her if she’d like to tour a museum with me sometime.

She responds: “Gladly!”

The next thing I wrote was my cell number. Within a few minutes she text me: “Hi, it’s Rebecca.” So I’m thinking maybe this is where she solicits me to be her sugar daddy. I asked her what her schedule is like and she responds that it is a bit of a disaster. I’m like, here we go. She said she was on her way back to New Jersey to go to her nursing job that she works on Saturdays and Sundays. She works as a nurse in an emergency room.

Impressive.

We hammer out our schedules and settle on Wednesday 9/14 at 4:30pm at the Philadelphia Museum of Art. I think Wednesdays are still ‘Pay as you wish’ so that’s a good thing. I asked if I should just text her that day to confirm, and she said yes, but wanted to still talk between now and then. I loved that. She also said she wanted to hear more about me and wanted to know about my writing. I told her about what I’ve written in the past and how I currently write a blog. But of course I didn’t tell her what the blog was about. So we chatted back and forth over the next few days. I basically hear from her everyday. It’s refreshing and I like the attention because it’s not overkill. So she gave me her email and I sent her a copy of a screenplay I wrote a few years ago. Well… a lot of years ago!

Even over the weekend she was texting me about her shifts at the hospital and how she had begun reading it. Now that I’m reading her texts on my phone it looks like she has texted me everyday since we connected. She even said that it was so nice to meet a man who appreciates a lady of culture. I told her she is a ‘rare flower’ these days, just to sink the hook.

So we’ve been chatting all the way up to today when she texted me this morning with “Hey! See you tonight!” So it’s on, people. I pray that she isn’t crazy or a hooker, but this seems too smooth. If she is nuts or eccentric, I’ll be disappointed. All this contact and chatter, I hope she is what I hope her to be. But if this blog suddenly stops, please call the authorities because maybe I’ve been murdered and I’m floating face down in the Schuylkill like a kid home from college on Thanksgiving in Manayunk.

I’m going to go hop in the shower and get into character. I’ll finish this after tonight’s date.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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6 Worst Opening Lines On Dating Apps That Women Have Actually Gotten

Be they corny, crappy, or creepy, the worst opening lines on dating apps are always the ones that make you go, “Wow, I really matched with this person? Goodbye!” Coming up with the perfect opening line on a dating app is a science and an art. Yes, you’ve got to be intriguing — quirky, even if that’s your dating app vibe. But there’s a difference between being a bit offbeat or unconventional in your opening message, and straight-up uncomfortable.

If you’re not super experienced when it comes to crafting dating app openers, all you need to do is sit down and brainstorm some cute, clever things to say. Even a quick glance at a match’s profile is a good start: Ask about their city or about favorite foods, or even a “Would you rather?” type question. A nicely filled out dating app bio is literally an open book! It’s filled in with information so you can find the appropriate topics to broach with your potential f*ck buddy and/or love of your life. What you don’t do is skip over the socially acceptable realm of dating app small talk and skip straight to strange feelings, sh*tty compliments, or niche fantasies — sexual or otherwise. Here are six women on the most cringe-worthy dating app openers they’ve received.

Courtesy of Haley, 24

Unfortunately, the line — “Girl, you’re [looking] thicker than a bowl of oatmeal.” — is a reference to viral, heavily memed court case video, where the defendant was literally caught saying that to an undercover police officer. Not only does it have wack origin, it’s super forward! Clearly this man is horny on main. Haley, 24, literally had the right response.

“ARE YOU FROM MCDONALD’S? BECAUSE I’M LOVIN’ IT.”

Haley, 19, got this opener on Bumble. When asked if she had a screenshot, Haley said, “No, because I unmatched his *ss after he said he deserves my body.”

THE ONE ABOUT ONIONS

Courtesy of Bea*, 22

Apart from her love of indie music and rosé, Bea*, 22, did have a reference to onions in her Tinder profile. She included this cute, quippy little tidbit: “You know that part in Shrek where he said he was an onion because he had layers? Me A/F.” But she never said she liked onions. And what’s up with being worried about whether your Tinder match to make you cry?

A REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE COMPARISON

Courtesy of Ariana*, 25

“Love men who immediately go from negging to horny,” says Ariana*, 25. For those of you who don’t know, “negging” is the practice of offering someone a backhanded compliment. It’s often a tool to make someone vulnerable and get the upper hand in romantic or sexual endeavors.

“It is dismissive and degrading to the other person and can eventually undermine their self-confidence. Usually the person doing the negging is insecure in their ability to attract [someone] without putting them down,” dating coach Christine Baumgartner told Bustle.

“I WANT TO PAINT YOU GREEN AND SPANK YOU LIKE A DISOBEDIENT AVOCADO 🥑 😏”

This opener Charlotte, 22, received is truly the kind of sh*t that you can’t make up. There’s so much to unpack here. Why an avocado? Why not any other fruit? Or was he really just going for a millennial food? And in that case, there’s questions about whether he has sexual desires for oat milk, charcoal ice cream cones, hot wings, or anything sprinkled with turmeric, too. “Literally, so weird,” Charlotte says.

A REALLY INVOLVED COP SAGA

Courtesy of Kathryn, 23

Not only did this man slide into Kathryn’s, 23, DMs with the modern-day Bonnie and Clyde visuals. He later messaged her this: “You’re [student newspaper] writer… here’s a tip. The shooting TN: cop pulled over, man (non-SU student) started a confrontation, gun fight ensured, suspect dead, cop in stable condition.” Um, OK! “These may have been a few weeks apart, but the first one was awful and the second one was hilarious,” Kathryn says. Either way, maybe homeboy needs to tune into a police scanner for his kicks and get off Tinder.

While weird dating app openers are few and far in-between, here’s hoping they can give you a few laughs when you encounter them — and not make you swear off dating apps for life.

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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I Really Wish I Didn’t Have to Date in the Age of Apps

“Dating is hard” is something I hear all the time. And I get it. Meeting a new person, trying to get through small talk, and hoping to make a lasting connection can be extremely daunting and scary. But we do it to find our person — the one we’re meant to be with and who makes us want to be better. So all the other stuff — the awkward beginnings, the swiping left and right, the bad dates — is worth it, right?

In theory, dating apps seem like the perfect solution to help with not only finding the one, but also finding the “perfect” one. You can choose whatever physical qualities and values you look for and swipe until you find it. However, I think they’ve made it even harder to find someone, let alone date them.

It’s easy to match with a lot of people, but it’s even easier to keep swiping for a “better” option rather than focusing on one person.

Yes, they provide lots of options for you to choose from, and it allows you to vet a person before actually having to go out with them, but sometimes, too many choices can be a bad thing. I personally find myself getting bored with people I match with and vice versa. It’s easy to match with a lot of people and start talking to them, but it’s even easier to keep swiping for an even “better” option rather than focusing on one person and trying to build something with them.

The first date I ever went on was with a guy I met through OkCupid, and I thought it went really well for a first date. We talked for almost three hours, flirting back and forth with one another. I didn’t mind that he didn’t kiss me at the end of it, and I started to think that dating apps maybe weren’t as bad as I thought. That is until he unmatched and ghosted me without explanation. It really messed with my self-esteem for awhile, but I eventually realized that this was part of dating in the age of apps. We can be with someone great now, but the possibility that someone better could be out there can be thrilling to some. Only, it’s detrimental in the long run. Nobody should ever settle, but always looking for more can make you miss out on something (or someone) that’s right in front of you.

I think a lot about the fact that I’m almost 24 years old and have only gone on that one real date. It makes me afraid that I’m destined to be alone. Growing up, I was never the girl guys thought to ask out. They would ask me to help them ask out my friends and that was it. I always thought I would really start to date in college and meet the love of my life, like my parents did. I was raised to be independent and comfortable in my own skin without the validation of other people, but I still couldn’t help but dream about finally meeting my person in college. But the reality is I went through all four years without going on any dates because, like a lot of others, I didn’t take risks. I missed out on connecting with some really great people because I wanted to find someone perfect, when the truth is that nobody’s perfect.

When you’re face to face with someone, yeah, you might be attracted to their physical qualities, but the emotional connection you build with that person, whether it’s instant or over time, is something no dating app can replicate. There’s something thrilling and exciting about meeting a new person for the first time without any expectations or thoughts of the other 12 people you matched with that day. Sometimes I feel like dating apps discourage us from taking those risks — saying hi to someone in a coffee shop, asking for directions on the train, or just jumping right in and asking someone out because they caught your eye — because people are so buried in their phones. But are we really living if we don’t take a leap of faith once in awhile?

Dating apps are great for a lot of people. I know people who have found their person because of them. But I just wish sometimes that dating wasn’t so consumed by them, because human connections — at least the ones I wish to have — can’t be manufactured by technology, no matter how advanced we’re able to develop it.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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Meet The Tinder Prostitutes

Guess what these women on Tinder really mean when they say ‘80 roses an hour’? Hint: it’s got nothing to do with flowers

Sarah went on Tinder for the same reason lots of women our age do – to find out how many single guys there were in her local area and to have an easy, safe way to get in contact with them. But, unlike lots of girls, Sarah doesn’t want to find single men because she looking for a boyfriend. She doesn’t even want a no-strings hookup – at least not in the way you’d think. Unlike you’re average user, when Sarah sleeps with a guy she meets on Tinder she leaves with much more than new number in her a phone and a funny sex story to tell her mates – she leaves with a pocketful of cash. Because unlike most 24-year-old girls using Tinder, Sarah’s a prostitute and she’s using the hookup app to lure in clients.

 

‘It made so much sense – where else do you basically have a database of all the down to fuck men in your area?’

‘Tinder has at least doubled my business,’ Sarah, who had a job in a strip bar before becoming a prostitute four years ago, explains to The Debrief. ‘In the last week alone, I’ve seen 12 clients all from Tinder and have earned over £1,000. I got the idea from a friend of mine who’s also on the game. I think she actually joined Tinder to find a boyfriend or whatever, but was sent dozens of messages from guys asking for no-strings sex, threesomes or naked pictures – there was basically no romance there at all. She just thought to herself “I’m not getting anywhere using Tinder to find a bloke, why don’t I just use it to boost business?” It made so much sense – where else do you basically have a database of all the down to fuck men in your area? – and she found it so easy I thought I might as well give it a go. I just made a profile, wrote caption that made it kind of obvious what I do for a living, matched everyone who I was OK sleeping with and then waited for matches to get in contact with me. I know more and more prostitutes are cottoning on as well – it’s made my job insanely easy.’

There have been reports for some time that Tinder has been being used this way over the globe. New Mexico State Senator Jacob Candelaria specifically blasted the app in his attempt to ‘clean up’ dating websites which allow the soliciting of sex. He told KOB Eyewitness News 4, ‘Our laws can’t and don’t keep pace with technological advancement and there will always be people looking to exploit those loopholes. We’re weak. Our courts have said our pimping laws are not applicable to the internet.’

And it looks like the same thing’s happening here, but should we be surprised? The dating app’s anonymity and pure reach make it a natural fit for sex workers. If you’ve ever borrowed your male mate’s phone to ‘play’ Tinder from the other side of the fence, you’ve no doubt come across a few of the profiles yourself. In between the ordinary profiles, you’ll find one or two pictures of lingerie-clad women provactively posing for selfies. That in itself isn’t exactly unusual, but what sets these profiles apart is what the women are offering in their ‘about’ section.

I was blown away by how quick, easy and transparent it could be to buy sex over Tinder

The ‘kind of obvious’ messages that prostitutes use to distinguish themselves from other girls’ profiles are easy to spot once you know the (admittedly, not hugely subtle) code. In London, at least, they’re easily identifiable by a proclivity for using rose emojis. Descriptions I have come across when I was researching this feature include ‘[rose emoji] 80 roses for the best night of your life’, ‘90 [rose emoji] for BBBJ’ [meaning bare back blowjob – blowjobs without a condom – according to Sarah] and ‘80 roses for an hour, GFE [Sarah says this is for a girlfriend experience] [rose emoji].’ In case you still haven’t figured it out – ‘roses’ mean ‘pounds sterling’.

Using my male housemate’s Tinder account, I was able to chat to three prostitues in one day and was blown away by how quick, easy and transparent it could be to buy sex over Tinder. On all three occasions, the process was the same – match with the girl, chat to them over Tinder about what I wanted and how much they would charge and then they’d send me a mobile number to ring and an address to go to. The price ranged from £70 for an hour with, extras such as blowjobs or anal increasing the price to over £100, to £300 for the entire evening and a full ‘girlfriend experience’. I was able to negotiate these prices without leaving my sofa or even speaking to the girl and that seems to be the point – it’s remarkable how easy Tinder makes it for users to skip the chit-chat and just pay a stranger for sex – all without deviating away from their iPhone.

For Sarah, the appeal seems to be that Tinder allows her to sell sex for cash while remaining anonymous and slipping past any interference from the police. ‘I had always worked at brothels or kerb-crawled before I started using Tinder, which was a nightmare, because you’d have to deal with hassle from the police. I’ve been in a brothel once when it was raided and it’s not an experience I’d like to repeat. And being shooed away by police on street corners is fucking boring. I’ve tried Gumtree and other websites, but they’re now really hot on closing down profiles that are soliciting sex. Tinder lets me get on with it completely privately – they message me, we chat, they come round, I shag them – or sometimes even just chat because it’s not always about the sex – and then they leave. It’s not traceable.’

When anyone reports Sarah’s profile and Tinder shuts it down, all she does is make another Facebook profile and get right back on.

The laws around prostitution in England and Wales are far from simple. The act of prostitution is not in itself illegal – but there are certain laws that criminalise activities around it. Under the Sexual Offences Act 2003, it is an offence to cause or incite prostitution or control it for personal gain, and the 1956 Sexual Offences Act prohibits running a brothel and it’s against the law to loiter or solicit sex on the street. So selling sex on Tinder is not only completely within the parameters of the law, it allows these women to bypass any legal issues they might have selling sex through ‘traditional means’. No wonder Sarah finds it so appealing. For their part, Tinder is clear that such activities are against the app’s terms of service, which forbids commercial solicitation of any kind including ‘advertising or soliciting any user to buy or sell any products or services not offered by the Company’. Not that that’s had any affect on Sarah – when anyone reports her profile and Tinder shuts it down, all she does is make another Facebook profile and get right back on. It’s difficult to see how Tinder can keep on top of policing it.

So it certainly seems to be functional for Sarah, but what affect is it having on her emotionally? Using Tinder to solicit clients strips away what little face-to-face communication Sarah had with the people she’s about to have sex with so it becomes completely transactional – almost like doing a supermarket shop. Is she worried about what emotional damage she might be doing to herself? ‘Sometimes I think they forget that there’s an actual human behind the profile and there are times when it hasn’t been ideal,’ she admits. ‘People troll you a bit, but it comes with the territory and I just block them, because it’s a waste of my time. But even in person, people aren’t always very nice. When you meet with clients in the brothel or on the street, they obviously know what you look like in “real life”, but I admit that the pictures I used on my Tinder profile show me looking at my absolute best and, sometimes, the guys are disappointed with what they see when they arrive. Mainly all that people do is make a unkind joke about my appearance – which I can handle – but on one occasion someone actually left, which was obviously a bit shitty. And I do worry about my safety, but if I’m concerned, my male neighbor – who is a good mate – has a key to my house and I just text him if I feel intimidated and he gets rid of them.’

Interestingly, Sarah says that the sex she has through Tinder tends to be more ‘vanilla’ than some of the requests she had when she was working in a brothel. ‘I used to get people asking for weird stuff – one guy wanted me to wank him off into his own mouth– when I was in a brothel, but because the users on Tinder tend to be predominantly men in their twenties and thirties, they usually don’t want anything that niche. The most bizarre request I’ve had from Tinder was from a banker in his late twenties who wanted a classic sub-dom scenario and for me to urinate on him, but that’s not really a big deal to me. I got into this because I love sex and I have a really high sex drive. I get to have sex for a living and I absolutely love my job. Anyway, most of my friends on Tinder have sex with guys who then disappear off the face of the planet. The only difference between me and them is that I’m charging.’

 

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White Bustier

“She can’t even get some peace and quiet at her friend’s place as she’s also getting stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey.”

Oh man. I used to keep a diary when I was actively dating because there were some doozies. Two come to mind right away. There’s the “You’re going to be such a good father if you get me pregnant” girl, and the Sunday afternoon walk of shame.

Met this chick on Tinder. Pictures of her look great, we share a lot of mutual interests and conversation wasn’t too bad. Plan to meet for an afternoon drink and watch the ballgame at a local bar I love.

I get there a bit early, she’s almost 30 mins late. (You all know I hate that) Bartender knows exactly what’s up and we shoot the shit until she hauls her tardy ass in the door. As she arrives, bartender says “I don’t think this is going to go well” and kind of grimaces at me. I turn to see this girl walk in, makeup still on from last night, white bustier type top, tight black pants and doesn’t look like she’s slept much.

I think to myself, did she seriously just walk of shame from being out at the club last night and fucking a random right to this date? No way, but it appears as such. 30 seconds in and I knew I had no interest, but I had to see where this would go.

She got the minimal amount of attention required as I watched the ballgame, drank beer and ate lunch. She sipped on water and had a few bites of fries. Cut to the chase, she serenades me with the tale of last night, how she was out, came home, couldn’t sleep because her ex-boyfriend (who moved out, to the apartment DIRECTLY above her in the same building) has been banging chicks almost every night and makes it a point to race the bed across the room while doing it. A true assertion of dominance by him, she just can’t take it. So, she apparently went to her friend’s place where she has keys. Went there, crashed on her couch without waking said friend. Wakes up to her friend’s shower running in the morning. Thinks nothing of it until a strange man she doesn’t know walks buck-ass-naked into the living room with his twig-n-berries hanging in all it’s glory. Turns out her friend was also banging a random last night.

Now keep in mind I really couldn’t care less at this point… I tell her there’s a lot of bangin’ going on, where’s her tales of coitus? She begins to break down, how everyone is getting laid except her, she has to listen to her very recent ex-boyfriend taking chicks to the meat market upstairs, and she can’t even get some peace and quiet at her friend’s place as she’s also getting stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey.

That’s when I notice the tattoo on her arm. In shitty cursive is the name “Liam”. I just ask “Is his name Liam by chance”? She looks flabbergasted that I just guessed it and asks if I know him or something. “No, not really, but I seem to have a good understanding of who he is”.. I point to her arm and she just looks down in shame.

Ended up walking her to her car, gave her a pity hug and told her she seemed like a nice girl, but she should probably take some time before hitting the dating scene. She wrote me later that day and thanked me for being so nice and she was sorry she was such a mess. I wished her well.

She came up on a “People you may know” Facebook suggestion a few months back. Doesn’t look like she’s doing much better, sadly. Poor girl.

 

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Brooke – Insanity Girl

One time I went on a tinder date with this girl, Brooke. She was smoking hot. We’re talking Instagram fame hot. I start talking to her, we exchange numbers, she sent me some topless pics on snapchat. I’m basically on top of the world.

She calls me a day before we meet up and asks me a lot of weird, way too personal questions. Right off the bat her personality seemed pretty weird but I figured she was just kind of quirky.

I take her out to dinner and this girl has horrible table manners. She tells me all about the guy she had been seeing recently, (like a week before I came to find out) and keeps asking me questions about my money, dick size, if I can do a backflip, all kinds of odd shit.

After we eat I take her to my house to watch a movie or something. There were so many red flags going off in my head about this girls personality, but she was so beautiful I didn’t listen to my conscience. (I never do. Beauty always wins.)

I take her to my house and we start watching movies. This girl gets up out of the seat and starts running around my house! Almost aimlessly. Just sprinting. Not saying anything at all. Just running from place to place, not making eye contact with me and not acknowledging anything I say. I was actually terrified at this point. I wasn’t afraid of getting hurt, I was more afraid because I thought I was watching someone who was just clinically insane. She was just totally disconnected… Anyway, so we got to fooling around a little bit after that and I called it quits.

I once had a cat that did that running around aimlessly thing, so it’s pretty normal. Just let them get it out their system, then they come back to the couch and you can pet them again.

She leaves later that night and I’m still processing what happened.

I keep texting her because I’m an idiot and she’s hot.

For some reason she starts getting angry when I don’t text her back within 5 minutes. Literally 5 minutes pass and she said “Fuck you.” Out of nowhere, for no reason. At this point is when my brain finally kicked in and I blocked her, deleted her number, blocked and deleted her on every other form of social media as well.

Other odd thing about her, she told me one day she ate a whole chicken in one sitting and drank the grease up.

No girl is attractive enough to outweigh insanity.

 

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