Phicklephilly – Double Life

“The seed is gold. The price of gold goes up in a crisis.”

If you’ve been reading this blog, you know I’ve been in a relationship for quite some time.  This is a subject I can only discuss with my emotionally and morally bankrupt friend johnny R or my friend Robert who will understand. I can’t go to Church with this because he can’t even manage his own shit and has no clue as to how to navigate his own life, let alone the world of romance and women. I hope by the time you read this, he’s sorted out his life and moved forward. (See:Church – Brand Ambassador)

So I’m going to address the 600 pound gorilla sitting in the room we call phicklephilly.

When you have lived the life I have, my story isn’t for everybody. I hope you know what I mean. You have to compartmentalize your life. There are those in your life that can embrace your darkness and those that admire it but never get to be on the show.

Phickle is in a pickle. The most glorious pickle that men would pay money to be in. I’m in love with two women. For the first time in my life this has happened.

I usually meet a girl. Start dating her. If things get serious and we’re compatible, that leads to love and off we go. She’s the only woman in my life. I’m getting older, and I figured the women I would date would get older and more scarce. It’s been just the opposite. I’ve done better in my late forties and fifties than I did in my mid twenties to mid forties. (I was married for 8 years from 28 to 36)

I’m a one woman man. Through and through. What has happened with the last three women in my life is this: They have all been younger than me. So we’re always in different places in our lives. (My mistake, but I don’t chase them, it just happens) We go out for a while, then we’re in a relationship, and they bring up that they may want to get married and have kids. That’s when it ends. They love me, but they know I’ve already been married, divorced back in 2001, have my daughter Lorelei, and paid out over $125,000 in child support.

I’m not risking that again. If I were to marry again, (Which I highly doubt) It would have to be clear that we’re not having kids. If that happened and I fucked it up, my Social Security payments would be going to my ex-wife. So no go.

But back to my current dilemma.

I’m really falling for this lady. I’m happy in my current relationship, but I met Ambria and we’re a good match. I haven’t slept with her yet, but I know it’s inevitable. I don’t even know why I did it. I’m not unfaithful. I’m happy with my current girl. But then it comes to me.

I did it because I could.

(Just like in the film Jurassic Park. Ian Malcom says: “You had the technology that you could re-create dinosaurs, but you never gave any thought to SHOULD you create dinosaurs?”)

My current girlfriend Cherie lives far away out in Pottstown and Ambria lives out in East Falls, just outside the city. But neither of them really come into the city. Current girlfriend is a student at Temple. That’s in North Philly. She has no reason to come into center city. She works at CHOP but not at the one here in the city, she works at a branch of Children’s Hospital out by where she lives.

Ambria works as a Nurse Practitioner up in Kensington. That might as well be in another city. (And a shitty one at that.)

Am I really a two timing, cheating, bastard? Technically, yes. But if I look at this in an open-minded adult way I think I can justify my actions.

My current girlfriend Cherie works a lot of hours and has a 6-year-old son to raise. She’s also in school. After she graduates, it’s off to medical school. I see her once or twice a month for a few hours or a single overnight. When we have time, we go out and do something, then eat and then back to the batcave for sex and sleep. The next morning I take her to breakfast, and then put her on a train back to Pottstown. Sometimes it’s just back to the batcave for sex, sleep and breakfast. Her life is that busy and her time is that limited.

At my age, I’m fine with it. I’m just happy to be getting laid at all. But that’s pretty much my life with my girlfriend. She’s great. She’s smart, she’s funny, and she’s a nymphomaniac. I love being with her and I can really feel how much she loves me even though our time together is short.

I also like my time alone, with my friends and my work and business. I love women. I just don’t want to spend a bunch of time with them. I like a little quality time and some distance. I need her to have her own life, friends, work and priorities. I need to be a part of her life but certainly not the focus. I should never have to “put my time in” like I did with insecure Annabelle (See: Annabelle – 2013 to 2014 – Nice to Meet You) so she doesn’t feel neglected.

I’m just getting started with Ambria and I certainly didn’t think this would happen. I think about them both. I’m happy with them both. Like I said, I’ve never been in this situation before, where there just happens to be two great women in my life and I like them both for different reasons, but can’t just choose one and jettison the other. Why would I do that? I don’t want anyone to get hurt. And no one has to. For right now I want them both. I’ll see Cherie when it’s convenient for her on the weekends that she can get some free time, and see Ambria once or twice a week.

This is pure phicklephilly.

If you look at the actual time spent with these girls, mathematically it’s like only having one girlfriend that you see only part of the time. There’s no demands. No perfunctory chores or doing shit you don’t want to do. These two relationships read like my blog posts about my ex-girlfriend, Michelle. (See: Michelle – 2007 to Present – Nice to Meet You) What I mean by that is this: My relationship with Michelle was as complex as any relationship where you live someone you love. But these two relationships, because of the distance and limited amount of time spent with them both, it’s like the Michelle blog. Simply our Greatest Hits. When I’m with each girl, it’s just the best of Phicklephilly.

I get to be in a relationship with two great girls that I don’t see all the time, and it’s all the fun stuff. It’s all the things that keep a relationship fun. Now granted, I know it can’t always be this way. Relationships always progress and are usually pushed forward by the woman. But in this case I may have dodged that bullet, because Cherie doesn’t want any more kids, and Ambria told me she is unable physically to have children. So, win, win!

Of course there’s the moral dilemma. But I’m not feeling any guilt at this point. I’m treating them both well and giving them my full attention when they’re with me, and nothing’s changed. I’ve simply added another person into my life with whom I enjoy their company.

I think this may have risen from Cheri’s extreme limited availability. When she’s here it’s like I run a sexual marathon for 12 hours and then the whole amusement park shuts down for three weeks to a month and goes dark. Then the process starts all over again weeks later. We text and all, so there’s always a connection, and I’m fine with that. But there are long periods when baby is just MIA.

It’s rare for a man to find not one, but two women with which he’s compatible. Let alone at the same time. I like this arrangement that I’ve created and for now it’s working. I’m going to enjoy this wonderful opportunity as long as possible and do everything to be discreet and keep the girls happy and satisfied.

You know what would be insane? Cherie is bi-sexual, and open to a threesome with another girl. Ambria told me that about 10 years ago she went through a faze where she was into girls.

You don’t think I could…?

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day at 8m & 12pm am EST.

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Tales of Rock: Steven Tyler Took Legal Custody Of The Teenager He Was Banging, May Have Pressured Her Into Aborting Their Child

While today he’s most recognized as a prettier, more flamboyant version of your grandmother, back in the mid-’70s, Steven Tyler was navigating the Aerosmith ship over the massive waves of success brought on by smash hits like “Dream On.” But Tyler wasn’t just in it for the fame; right around the time Aerosmith was hitting the big time, he reached deep into his heart to take legal custody of a troubled underage fan … so that he could have approximately all of the sex with her.

Julia Holcomb had a tragic past. Her father was a gambler with abandonment issues, she was a passenger in the car crash that killed her brother and grandfather, and her mother had a history of choosing less-than-stable stepfathers. So it’s understandable that, shortly after a 14-year-old (according to Tyler) or 15-year-old (according to her) Julia met Tyler backstage at an Aerosmith concert, her mother readily signed over custody to the rock star. And by “understandable,” we mean “completely irresponsible and totally nuts.”

But Julia’s mother wasn’t about to start making decisions that were in her daughter’s best interest now, and so the young teen spent three years living with Tyler, a skeletal sex wizard. As you may suspect, this arrangement did precisely nothing to soften the tragedies of her life. According to Julia, a profusely coked-up Tyler “convinced” her to have children with him by tossing her birth control pills off a balcony. Then, once she became pregnant, he took off on tour, leaving her all alone in his Boston apartment. Then the apartment caught fucking fire, with Holcomb barely managing to survive by crawling into a fireplace (which it seems was the last place the fire thought to look for her). Then, while she was in the hospital recovering, Tyler allegedly spent a full hour pressuring her to abort her five-month pregnancy (which, if you recall, was achieved in the first place by Tyler confiscating her birth control and casting it into the wind), finally convincing her by threatening to send her home to her mother. Having gotten his way, Tyler, riding a balloon of cocaine up into the stratosphere, sat down and watched the doctors carry out the procedure.

Holcomb went on to happily marry another man and become a mother of seven. Tyler went on to feature his teenage daughter in an overtly sexual music video.

Now, it’s important to note that Tyler’s version of events — namely, that Holcomb was a repeated-abortion-having sexual pincushion — was written with the intent of achieving bestseller status, while Holcomb’s version was published on a website with an obvious pro-life political agenda. So the whole truth probably lies somewhere in between. Still, when you’re placing someone on a scale from “massive douche” to “the black douche-hole at the center of the galaxy,” you’re really splitting hairs.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day at 8am & 12pm EST.
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Sun Stories: Aishah – The Wages of Fear – Chapter 1

The tale of one woman’s paralyzing fear and how it became the greatest Sun Story ever told.

A new client came in recently. She goes to Temple University. We have so many Temple girls that come here. Aishah told me that she’s studying pre law. I’m pretty sure she’s a freshman, because she’s only 18 years of age.

She’s absolutely beautiful. Tall and slender. Model pretty with dark eyes, raven tresses and caramel skin. She tells me her father’s white, and her mother’s black and Pakistani. Apparently that’s a winning combination, because this child hit the genetic lottery.

She’s very sweet to chat with and I like her immediately. She buys a 5 pack of tanning sessions and I also sell her a bottle of bronzing lotion and a pair of protective eyewear. So she’s got everything she need to get tan!

She tells me that she just wants to get a little darker for her vacation to Costa Rica in a couple of weeks. She says despite her genealogy, she can still burn. I agree with her and ask her if she wants a stand up or a horizontal bed.

She strongly rejects the stand up and I show her to one of the lay down beds. I show her back to room 7 and explain the different aspects of the bed.

“400 watts in the face tanners, more UV A light than B to brown the face not burn it. 160 watts in the tubes. More UV B rays. The fan button’s here. You’ve got great melanin do you want to do the full 12 minute session?”

“Yes, please.”

“Okay, I put 5 minutes on the room for you to get ready and prepare and if you’re ready sooner, just hit the Start button and pull this hood down.”

Aishah grimaces slightly at the formidable machine before her. I step out of the room. “Okay, go to it Aishah. Thank you for choosing Sun Tanning Studios.”

I go back up to the counter and activate the timer for the bed.

I just go about my business around the salon. Five minutes later I hear the bed light and the fans running.

Then about half way through her session I see an abundant amount of UV light coming from her room. (They have 7 foot high walls but no ceilings. It’s to better circulate the air around the salon and cool the beds faster. So any difference in brightness you can see more light shining up out of the room than usual. (Normally means the hood of the bed has been opened mid session.)

I walk down the hall to room 7. I look up. Tons of light coming out of the room. I don’t know why the bed is opened because she’s only about half way through her session. I don’t care what the clients do in the rooms as long as they don’t break anything, but if you want really good results you keep the lid closed for the entire session.

I’m not going to say anything, and besides I’m busy doing other things in the salon to worry about it. Doing laundry, waiting on other clients, and cleaning.

When the 12 minutes are up, Aishah emerges from the room. She gives me a smile and thanks me. “See you soon!” Then off she goes.

Of course I google her and stalk her Facebook and Instagram. They are both pretty much private, but I can tell from a pic on her Facebook she’s done some modeling. She’s built perfect for modeling. I see she’s currently in a relationship. (boo hoo! Yea, like I have a chance!)

Next time she comes in I’ll have to ask her about why she’s not closing the beds properly  during her tanning session.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day at 8am &12pm EST.

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6 Reasons Why Women Are Hardwired To Be Leaders

The Neuroscience Why The Female Brain Is Best Suited For Positions of Power…

“Leadership is about empathy. It is about having the ability to relate to and connect with people for the purpose of inspiring and empowering their lives.” — Oprah Winfrey


 

The female brain is wired for leadership, making complex decisions, empathy, and collaboration.

Nature’s default is female — we all start with an X chromosome.

If you are the lucky recipient of another X chromosome (thus making you female), you will continue to develop neurons with the Jedi-like ability to read faces, communication, and language.

If you receive a Y chromosome (making you male), testosterone will shunt this process, instead focusing on growing areas in the brain for aggression and sexual drive.

The female brain, as you will see from some key gender dimorphism I discuss here, is designed to be in positions of power.

Of course, this is NOT to say men should not be in positions of power.

But when you look at the beautiful nuances in the female brain, and how she is uniquely qualified to lead with compassion, grace, and arguably a better executive decision maker, it begs the question…

Why are more women NOT in positions of power?

Let’s take a look at the 6 unique aspects of the female brain and why she’s neurologically wired for leadership positions…


1. The SheEO: aka the Prefrontal Cortex

“It would be futile to attempt to fit women into a masculine pattern of attitudes, skills and abilities and disastrous to force them to suppress their specifically female characteristics and abilities by keeping up the pretense that there are no differences between the sexes.” — Arianna Huffington

The prefrontal cortex is involved in cognition, and decision-making.

The prefrontal cortex is the queen mother and is responsible for planning the future, personality, expression, decision-making and moderating social behavior.

It is the executive function, the CEO, nay, the SheEO, of the brain.

The prefrontal cortex is larger and matures faster in women than in men.

Developmentally, the prefrontal cortex is larger and develops faster in females.

Why is this?

One of the prevalent theories is the influence of estrogen, the predominant hormone in the female brain, which strongly stimulates the faster development and maintenance of the female prefrontal cortex.

In her book, The Female Brain, Dr. Louann Brizendine, points out that this gender difference start before birth: female brains are “marinated” in utero with estrogen hormones, while male brains with testosterone.

If you are a woman you can relate to this — we often see females, both in their school years and in the work place, taking the initiative to complete tasks and assignments ahead of deadlines.

The frontal lobe, in particular the right prefrontal cortex, is involved with thinking about the future.

Getting the project done ahead of schedule is a higher order, future-paced activity.

When I first learned this, it was an a-ha moment for me.

I would do this constantly –do my work early and have loads of extra time to over study for exams.

If a project was due in a month, I would get on it straight away, have boat loads of time to look it over, and 10 times out of 10 hand it in early.

Another reason to explain this behavioural difference (early keener vs last-minute) that may co-exist with a larger prefrontal cortex may have something to do with the differences in our serotonin receptors.

I have written previously on the decreased serotonin receptors in females compared to their male counterparts.

We naturally have less dopamine to motivate us for follow through on a tight deadline.

I talked about men being more dopaminergic than women.

Meaning, they are less reliant on their environment, and can stay motivated and engaged in a task longer to finish it to completion.

Getting the task done ahead of time alleviates any stress response the female might have about the pressure of the deadline.

We see the opposite behaviour in men. Men will often wait until the last-minute so that they utilize neurotransmitters like dopamine and norepinephrine to push them to finish.

Sound familiar?


2. Temper Tantrum Center: Smaller Amygdala

“Don’t ever make decisions based on fear. Make decisions based on hope and possibility. Make decisions based on what should happen, not what shouldn’t.”

— Michelle Obama

One of the main roles of the higher brain centers like the frontal lobe is to inhibit lower areas of the brain, in particular, the temporal lobe, where the amygdala lives.

The amygdala is involved in emotions, aggression, and anger. This is often referred to as our primitive, instinctual brain.

The amygdala, located in the temporal lobe is larger in men.

Neuroscientists have confirmed there are a greater number of testosterone receptors and other look alike (collectively called androgens) present in the amygdala.

This is where the female brain is beautifully nuanced for leadership.

Being able to keep her cool, and continue to problem solve…that’s the making of a world leader.


3. Better Impulse Control : The Anterior Cingulate Cortex

“Mature workers are less impulsive, less reactive, more creative, and more centered” — Deepak Chopra

Women have a bigger anterior cingulate cortex, which is involved in impulse control, decision making, guiding behavioural outcomes, and even choosing sexual partners (study alert: females tend to choose the less risky, more stable partners).

Neuroscientists have long reported the increased prevalence of ADHD, impulsivity, violence and aggression occurring much more frequently in males than females.

This may be in part to the anatomically smaller anterior cingulate cortex in males, versus females.

Again, in the context of leadership, this is an advantage of the female brain.

In high pressure situations, appropriating impulsive thoughts and emotions, while still being able to think about the best solutions is important.

Interestingly, the original function of the anterior cinguate cortex was thought to be in the protection of our young — to reduce risk so that we could ensure their survival.

What this often translates to in an adult women is conservative over risky behaviour.


4. The Way We Connect :The Corpus Callosum

“If your actions create a legacy that inspires others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, then, you are an excellent leader.” — Dolly Parton

Herein lies one of the more prominent differences between us.

The male brain has more neurons than the female, BUT less connections between those neurons.

This is what neuroscientists call an intrahemispheric brain.

In other words, he tends to be more single focused, task-oriented, and mechanistic.

He tends to stay more in his left brain.

The male is able to raise his own levels of dopamine, going about his business, with less of a reliance on his external environment.

Males are typically systematizers.

The female brain has less neurons overall than her male counterparts BUT has more connections between them.

She tends to stay more in her right brain, being able to empathize and connect with others and create community.

Females are typically empathizers.

Women have what neuroscientists call an interhemispheric brain.

Meaning, the female is more efficient with her neuronal connections, and uses more areas of her brain across the cortices.

She does this through connection of the superhighway in the brain called the corpus callosum. This allows her, with speed and accuracy, to engage more parts of her brain.


5. A Women’s Intuition Is An Actual Place In The Brain: The Insula

“To call woman the weaker sex is a libel; it is man’s injustice to woman. If by strength is meant brute strength, then, indeed, is woman less brute than man. If by strength is meant moral power, then woman is immeasurably man’s superior. Has she not greater intuition, is she not more self-sacrificing, has she not greater powers of endurance, has she not greater courage? Without her, man could not be. If nonviolence is the law of our being, the future is with woman. Who can make a more effective appeal to the heart than woman?” — Mahatma Gandhi

The insula is intimately involved in empathy, emotional awareness, and the interface where the interpretation of “gut feelings” take place.

Whenever you meet someone, or to use the expression — “go with your gut” — it is the insula where the signals from the microbiota, or “gut feelings”, are processed.

The insula is larger and more active in females.

Again, this is mainly because the female brain is under the strong influence of estrogen.

This allows the female, with stealth-like accuracy, to develop better facial recognition, better communication skills, and expression of emotion.

Coupled with a larger insula, she is better able to process her environment, the emotions and psychological states of others, and read between the lines.


6. The Elephant Memory: Hippocampus

“A good memory is one of the most precious assets of the spiritual living” — Max Anders

Ever been in an argument with a woman, let’s say about what was said in a past conversation, and she can recall every single detail of what was said, how it was said, what the temperature outside was, how many birds were chirping, what the color of her nails were, and what you were wearing?

That’s because her hippocampus, the area of the brain where memories are formed, is larger and more active than in the male.

What is cool about the hippocampus is it is estrogen sensitive (specifically estradiol), and as such, has regulatory effects on her learning and memory.

The hippocampus can also act by retrieving memories, and relays these memories to the auditory cortex, which will translate the memories into words.

Oh, I should also mention the auditory cortex, where learning, hearing and language centers are located, are 11% larger in females, too.


So Why Is The Future Female?

“Who Run The World? Girls.” — Beyoncé

In Dr. Daniel Amen’s book “Unleash the Power of the Female Brain”, he suggests women are neurologically wired for success.

Through his research Dr. Amen has identified five particular strengths of women that play a key role in leadership:

  • Empathy
  • Collaboration
  • Intuition
  • Self Control
  • Appropriate Worry

We do this through the unique ways we, as women, are different.

Through our prefrontal cortex, we easily and effortlessly plan ahead, strongly inhibit anger and aggression, learn new information, and develop executive communication styles.

Women will also use their strong language skills to develop consensus and collaboration among peers (particularly other females) more efficiently than men, and our language will lend to being able to navigate through sensitive negotiations.

We have more interconnectedness and communication across the Corpus Callosum, meaning we are more efficient and use more areas of our brain for tasks.

We have superior impulse control, and better inhibition of aggression centers in the brain, while still able to solve difficult problems.

We have a better sense of we and others feel, through our larger and more active insula, which is the area our gut feelings are processed.

Now all this to say, this is NOT to say men are not qualified to be in positions in leadership.

Of course they are.

It is quite different statement to say “men are not qualified” versus “females are uniquely qualified”.

The female brain, is uniquely gifted, given her gender dimorphism, to lead with empathy, intuition, instilling collaboration, and self-control.

This all lends to the suggestion that women are wired to be professionals, and hold positions of power.

It is a neurological explanation for why we need more women, with their unique neurological differences in positions of power.

 


 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day at 8am & 12pm EST.

 

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Psychologists Tell Us How to Pass Through 5 of the Most Dangerous Periods of Marriage and Not Break Up

Writer Robert Stevenson once said, “Marriage is one long conversation, checkered by disputes.” Sooner or later, every couple goes through a crisis, it’s absolutely inevitable. The good news is, when coping with the crisis, spouses reach a new level in their relationships and find new ways to be happy with each other.

The 1st year of marriage: Realization stage

Psychologists Tell Us How to Pass Through 5 of the Most Dangerous Periods of Marriage and Not Break Up

The bodacious singer Pink proposed to her boyfriend herself. However, the couple broke up one year later… Then they reunited again! The couple is now raising two children.

Rita DeMaria, a marriage and family therapist, calls this crisis a “realization stage.” It usually happens after 6-12 months of living together. The first charm of being in love disappears and you start seeing your partner the way he/she really is with all of their weaknesses and sometimes not very pleasant habits (that you gladly ignored before). “It’s the time to learn to work as a team,” DeMaria says.

What should you do? “If you haven’t discussed serious subjects like finance, children, relatives’ visits, free time, etc. before your marriage, it’s time to do it now,” Beverly Hayman, a psychologist, recommends. You need to speak honestly about your values and priorities. There is a probability that they will not entirely coincide with those of your partner, and it’s then you two will need to find a compromise. It’s very important to reach a firm agreement to the most “burning” questions during this period of time.

3-4 years of marriage: A dangerous “comfort zone”

The marriage of Madonna and Sean Penn lasted only 3 years, but these stars say in their interviews that they still love each other. Perhaps they rushed to get a divorce?

The research among 2,000 British married couples showed that in 3 and a half years spouses start taking each other for granted, preferring sleep to sex, and stop saying “I love you” to each other. A couple finds their own “comfort zone.” On one hand, this is a wonderful feeling of security and relaxation, but on the other rather unpleasant things become normal in their life, like keeping the door open when you pee and wearing shabby pajamas. Though 82% of participating couples said that they were happy with their marriage, 49% mentioned that they wanted their partner to be more romantic.

What should you do? You need to keep a certain degree of emotional intensity in your life. Compliment each other more often and praise each other’s achievements. It’s better to avoid saying everything that’s on your mind to your partner and sometimes it’s better to keep silent. If you see that there’s a problem, begin your conversation softly without accusations. First you need to look inside yourself, John Gottman, a family psychologist, recommends. Growth in marriage happens when each partner is capable of viewing oneself from the outside and understands how much he/she contributes (or doesn’t contribute) to the relationship.

5-7 years of marriage: “The seven-year itch”

Psychologists Tell Us How to Pass Through 5 of the Most Dangerous Periods of Marriage and Not Break Up

David Schwimmer from Friends and his wife Zoe Buckman announced that they wanted to take a break from their relationship after 7 years of marriage. Their fans hope that this is a temporary decision.

There is a certain term in western psychology called “the seven-year itch.” This is one of the most critical periods in every marriage. By this time, the couple has a fine-tuned life, settled relationship, and the spouses treat each other like they’re on auto-pilot which is a big mistake, Beverly Hayman reminds. Interest and sexual appeal towards each other decreases due to routine. It seems that the partners know everything about each other. Sometimes a couple makes a decision to have a first child (or a second one) in order to save their marriage, but it’s worth remembering that a child is a separate person, and not a rescue device.

What should you do? Robert Taibbi, a family therapist, suggests the following:

1. Keep your communication open. You should be less formal, like “How was you day?” “OK”, but more sincere and emotional.

2. Solve your problems immediately as they arise, don’t let them pile up.

3. Listen to yourself. Assess your state from time to time, refresh the list of your wants and your vision of the future. Share your thoughts with your partner.

4. Discuss the future of your relationship. Which plans do you have for the next year, or next 5 or 10? Again, the key is openness and honesty, not politeness and vagueness.

20-30 years of marriage: Mid-life crisis and “grey divorce”

Psychologists Tell Us How to Pass Through 5 of the Most Dangerous Periods of Marriage and Not Break Up

Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman broke up after 30 years of marriage which shocked their fans. However, a year later they understood that they had made a mistake and reunited.

The crisis of 20 years of marriage happens due to the personal mid-life crises of both spouses. The effect is increased by a so called empty-nest syndrome when children grow up and leave the family home while the spouses stay by themselves, like in the beginning of their relationship. The spouses may feel that their marriage is exhausted because its main mission is completed. American psychologists call this divorce “grey divorce” because some spouses have already become grey-haired by this time. In recent times, the number of these divorces has been growing.

What should you do? Don’t distance from each other. Look for other meanings of existence for you as a couple. If spouses ignored their marriage problems while raising children then, when it’s just the two of them, the conficts may become more intense. On the other hand, you have more time to solve them. It’s a great opportunity to rebuild your marriage. Steve Seabold, a relationship coach, recommends doing sports together and creating new common goals, like travel, new business, language courses, or something that will help you to create unforgettable experiences.

Non-standard recommendations to overcome a marriage crisis

Mort Fertel, a relationship expert, thinks that popular recommendations to marriage rescue like sharing feelings with a partner or visiting a family psychologist are not always effective because they don’t define what exactly needs to be done to overcome the crisis.

Here are some unusual recommendations by Mort Fertel on how to save your marriage:

1. Save your marriage even by yourself. It’s usually believed that a marriage can be saved only when both partners are ready to work on problems. “The efforts made by even one person can change the marriage dynamics and can motivate the more stubborn spouse to join the process of the marriage rescue,” Mort Fertel says.

2. Don’t ask yourself wrong questions. Don’t ask yourself, “Is this the right person I’ve chosen for a spouse?” The key to a successful marriage is not to find the right person but to learn to love the one that you found. Because love is not luck, it’s your choice.

3. Separation drives you apart, not closer. Separation, which allegedly can refresh your feelings, can distance you from each other even more, especially during a marriage crisis where your goal is to be closer again.

4. Talk less about problems. Conversations about marriage problems don’t solve them but make them deeper. They cause arguments and anger. Talking about a problem doesn’t mean you solved it. Talk less, do more. Find real ways to solve your difficulties.

5. Don’t think that a therapist will give you the exact answers. Therapy sessions help spouses talk to each other and understand each other’s point of view, but they don’t give answers regarding what needs to be done to save the marriage. As a result, couples remain very disappointed with their therapy.

6. Don’t tell your relatives and friends about your marriage crisis. “One of the most important values of marriage is confidentiality, that’s why talking to your relatives or friends about your marriage or your spouse is a big mistake. This is a violation of confidentiality for your spouse, and it’s wrong,” Mort Fertel says.

 

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Why Romantic Love Can’t Last Forever and How to Save Your Relationship When It’s Gone

cientists are adamant: our feelings and the logic of love development are tightly connected with biochemical processes in our bodies. Even if we wanted this amazing passionate feeling to last forever, our body wouldn’t be able to cope with it.

Beautiful Girl found out why the feeling of falling in love always fades away and how we can save our relationship when the hormonal cocktail stops working.

4. We experience euphoria when we fall in love.

Why Romantic Love Can’t Last Forever and How to Save Your Relationship When It’s Gone

Scientists think that the euphoria that is triggered by passion, has a lot in common with the feeling that addicts experience after taking another dose of their chosen drug. This is a conclusion made by neuroscientists Andreas Bartels and Semir Zeki from University College London.

This effect appears because the brain and adrenal glands produce the hormone noradrenaline. This same hormone is produced after cocaine or heroin intake. A person that is in love feels the need to meet their partner more and more because they want to experience that high.

3. When we fall in love, there is a hormonal cocktail in our body.

Why Romantic Love Can’t Last Forever and How to Save Your Relationship When It’s Gone

When we fall in love, several chemical processes in our brain occur that make us disregard our partner’s drawbacks. We also feel that our life is great only with our beloved and we depend on them emotionally. Hormones play a really important role here.

Oxytocin is responsible for emotional attachment and contributes to the deep emotional connection between partners. If the hypothalamus produces enough oxytocin, your stress levels decrease and the desire becomes even more intense.

Vasopressin is responsible for fidelity, a desire to take care of each other, and like oxytocin, emotional attachment.

Dopamine is the hormone of pleasure. Its production contributes to delightful and pleasant feelings. This hormone makes us feel high and it’s produced in great quantities when we eat or make love.

Serotonin is responsible for our ability to experience pleasure, it cheers us up, and improves the quality of our sexual life.

Cortisol is called the stress hormone and, according to several researchers, its levels are really high at the beginning of each relationship.

Our dependence on the chemistry of love grows stronger because of pheromones. Pheromones are produced by our body’s sweat glands (both men’s and women’s) and affect the receptors of the olfactory system.

This hormonal cocktail causes several physiological reactions like excessive sweating, rapid heartbeat, pupil dilation, sleep disorders, and loss of appetite.

2. Why can’t the feeling of falling in love last forever?

Why Romantic Love Can’t Last Forever and How to Save Your Relationship When It’s Gone

Biological rules are strict: our amorousness is just a fleeting chemical process that lasts for a maximum of 3 years.

During evolution, human beings needed it to survive. It would have been hard for our ancestors to take care of children, find food, and protect themselves if they were all alone. The feeling of falling in love helped couples stay together for the sake of their child’s survival. And as the child grew up, this feeling faded away.

In less than 3 years, nerve endings become almost insensitive to the production of these hormones. Also, the hormones themselves are produced in a much lower concentration. The brain function becomes stable, it starts working regularly, and hormones stop stimulating the couple’s emotional attachment.

1. Are all of our relationships doomed?

Why Romantic Love Can’t Last Forever and How to Save Your Relationship When It’s Gone

The period of falling in love is stressful for our body. A quiet rhythm is actually more effective for us. True love probably begins when the hormonal cocktail stops working.

Scientists have found that the attachment feeling that makes us live with our partner for a long period of time is related to oxytocin and vasopressin. The level of oxytocin rises when people hug, have sex, kiss, or just chat.

So here’s the conclusion: touches and tenderness are the best way to maintain long-term relationships. And don’t forget to keep up the ability to listen, express your gratitude, come to compromises, overcome conflicts, and move forward together.

Would you like the stupefying feeling of falling in love to last forever?

 

Why Romantic Love Can’t Last Forever and How to Save Your Relationship When It’s Gone

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Sun Sories: Trish – Trail of Destruction

I come home from work the other day, and Trish is in my living room chatting with my daughter Lorelei.

I’ve cooled to Trish since her arrest, but my daughter likes her and they hang out sometimes at the house. Trish lives in the apartment below us, so I need to be civil.

Trish is telling the story of her cocaine arrest to Lorelei. How she got a small fine, has to attend some classes and has to do community service. I guess its because it was her first offense and she doesn’t have a record.

“Yea, it’s been a wake up call for me.”

“Well that’s good.”

“My community service is over at the senior center helping the old folks. I really like them!”

“Maybe you’ve found your calling.”

“How is Jill making out at the salon?”

“We fired her.”

“What happened?”

“One day she was supposed to work and she didn’t show up.”

“Wow. I just saw her earlier in the week. I was upset about my arrest and I went to the salon and then we went out together.”

“What did you guys end up doing?”

“Just went out for a few drinks. I wanted to go home after a couple but she said she was heading for another bar.”

“What? When was that?”

“Monday night. Why?”

“Oh my God. No….”

“What?”

“You were with Jill when she got blackout drunk and was subsequently kicked out of her sober halfway house!”

“What?”

“She didn’t show up for work at the salon the next day because she was looking for a place to live!”

“But she wasn’t drunk when she was with me.”

“But you said she left you and was headed to another bar. You were there that Saturday before when she was sitting in the salon and said, “I can’t just have one drink. I have to keep going and then I want to go out. I can’t stop.”

“Oh fuck. So I’m the catalyst that made her relapse?”

“Looks that way.”

“Shit.”

“Anyway, I’m going to go to my room and watch my show. I’ll be through for some ice periodically. Night girls.”

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish everyday at 8am & 12pm EST.

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