10 Relationship Milestones and When They Should Happen

Relationships are made up of milestones that take place over time. But for beginners at relationships, here’s a guide to when they should happen.

Milestones are the events, big or small, that lead a relationship in a new direction. They mark the first time something is done, something that makes you both a little more comfortable. While every relationship has milestones, long-term ones have more, just because there’s more time together. Certain things that happen five years in just don’t happen during the first year.

While every relationship is different, and timelines may vary, there are some general time frames that seem to work for most. No matter how long you’ve been together, there’s a milestone or two you should be crossing.

When should these milestones occur?

While there’s no rule for when you should be able to accomplish something in a relationship, it’s still a good idea to know if your relationship is progressing the way most normal relationships do.

#1 Anything related to bowel movements, farts, going to the bathroom together, using it with the door open, etc. For farts, that should happen in the first 2 – 3 months, as there’s bound to be a time when you won’t be able to hold it in. Talking about going to the bathroom should happen 4 months in, but some men tend to do that as soon as they possibly can. Actually going to the bathroom together and watching each other go number one? That takes about a year, unless you happen to find yourself in a situation where it can’t be helped.

The moral of the story is people are gross, and if you love each other, you won’t really mind your partner’s bowel movements. They happen, whether or not you can see them, and the sooner you come to terms with that, the better. [Read: 13 unique ways to build intimacy with your partner]

#2 The first time one of you cries. Let’s face it, women will be more open to showing their tears than men will ever be. She might cry during a movie, when a sad song plays, or when she’s having a really rough day and crying is her outlet. This could happen within the first few months, or if she’s got a steely resolve, it might take her more than a year.

On the other hand, men are generally reluctant to cry in front of their partners, and will only do so when they’re under extreme duress or when they’re in physical pain *and that’s still pretty rare*. But men will usually be more likely to show a woman tears after at least a year of being in a relationship with her.

#3 The first time you let the crazy out. You know that weird thing you do when no one else is around, like eating cereal out of a mug, adding ketchup to your steak, or obsessively scrubbing the grout in your bathroom? The first time you show that really weird and unexplainable side of yourself to your partner is a milestone. If they stick around despite your strange ways, they might be worthy of your love. This tends to happen within the first year, roughly 4 – 8 months in.

#4 The minute you realize you’re no longer in the honeymoon phase. This is soul-crushing for relationship first timers, but for people with experience, this is the best time. No longer are both of you on your best behavior, living a lie, and being too cheesy for your own good. Now, the real fun begins, and you really get to know each other. This happens in a matter of 6 – 8 months. So, technically, those dating for a year have barely scratched the surface. [Read: The 10 stages of dating for a successful relationship]

#5 Sharing space, even if it’s at mom and dad’s house. This is when your partner’s toothbrush, hairbrush, spare clothing, and beauty products have taken over a drawer in your bedroom and the medicine cabinet in your bathroom. It happens to most people, and it’s probably bound to happen to you in time. It makes for messier breakups, but no one thinks about that when they wake up at their partner’s place and need to shower.

This should happen after at least a year of knowing that you’re serious with each other. For some, it happens in months, but those relationships tend to phase out quickly most of the time. Of course, for those on the more conservative side of the spectrum, you may find that you’ll only be sharing a space after you’re married. [Read: 14 tips to make moving in together before marriage work for you]

#6 Being at ease with the parents. This is a tough one. When you first meet them, they tend to look at you like an alien, or they’re very nice, which makes you wonder what they’re saying behind your back. This has a pretty hefty time frame, and should go away in 2-4 years.

Why so long? Because while you might feel comfortable around one parent, you might have a tinge of self-awareness around the other for a while. If you’re over it in a year or less, you’re one of the few lucky ones. [Read: 7 signs it’s time to meet the parents]

#7 The first time you take care of your sick partner or vice versa. The first year in, you’re still a little too vulnerable for this. Maybe bring them soup when they have a cold, at best. But you know that one time you needed a toilet and a trashcan at the same time for basically a full 24 hours? That kind of full-time nurse treatment doesn’t happen until 2 years in. [Read: How to take care of a sick partner without losing it]

#8 The first time one of you is too tired to have sex. This really does depend on how kinky of a relationship you two have. More so than going to the bathroom together. Some couples love to have sex, even when tired, and this “too tired to have sex” thing doesn’t happen until 3-4 years in. For others, it can happen in 2.

It really boils down to two main reasons: external forces *new job stress, a year filled with major life changes, death in the family, etc.* and your sex drive. You could easily be the kinkiest couple, with the sex drive of jackrabbits, but at the end of the day, you need to endure the “too tired to have sex” talk due to job-related stress and exhaustion.

Plus, let’s be realistic: after a while, it’s OK to admit that you’re not free to do the deed 24/7. It doesn’t mean your sex life is done for, it simply means you’re secure enough to know that there are some nights when it just won’t happen. It’s when it rarely happens that you need to worry.

#9 When you finally express your hatred toward someone in your partner’s family. It could mean their sister, mother, or uncle. It doesn’t matter. This isn’t spoken of a year in, maybe not even 2. For many, it doesn’t happen until the third year in, mainly because it will take you a while to actually get to know someone enough to dislike them.

There’s a higher chance of it coming out in the open if it’s someone your partner also doesn’t like. But if your partner is close to the person you dislike, or your partner simply doesn’t seem to have an issue with them, there’s a chance it’ll take longer. Here’s the funny thing though: say it’s their sibling. Even if your partner hates their sibling, you’ll probably hold your tongue until the third year mark anyway, simply because it’s your partner’s sibling.

#10 When you finally learn about each other’s gross habits. This happens late in the first year, but doesn’t fully explode into giant rants of honesty until the second year. You’ll start off small, like you didn’t shave your legs or you didn’t change the sheets because you didn’t expect them over. But by the third and fourth year, you’ll be describing how you haven’t showered in a week, and how you didn’t know you could smell this bad. It just escalates with time.

The good thing about this is that you reach a point where you’re used to these descriptions, and you tend to build up a natural mental blockage that prevents you from being completely turned off by your partner.

[Read: 9 relationship stages that all couples go through]

Even if your particular relationship milestone is absolutely disgusting or disheartening, they mark a time in which both of you have gotten closer, and have shared something that you didn’t realize could be special. It may be planned or it may come out as a surprise, but one thing’s for sure, each milestone deserves to be cherished.

 

 I hope this was helpful. I’d like to hear your thoughts on this piece.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day at 8am & 12pm EST.

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10 Signs Your Man Is A Keeper (And Maybe Even ‘The One’)

There are many things a man can do wrong … but these things make him Mr. Right.

When it comes to analyzing male behavior, we’re experts on the signals that clearly point toward Mr. Wrong, having sorted through thousands of dating horror stories.

But on the other side of every relationship warning sign is its opposite: an indicator that a man is keeper material.

How to know if he is the one relies on these top 10 qualities. They show that your guy really is the right one for you:

1. He’s willing to put you first.

When a man is truly committed to you and your relationship is heading for the long-term, he will make you an integral part of his daily life, as well as a top priority. A keeper will continually affirm that he loves you and is devoted to your relationship, both verbally and through his actions.

2. He’s there for you in a crisis.

A keeper will be by your side when the going gets tough. By showing he supports you in a time of real need, his actions assure you he’ll be there to hold your hand during the birth of your child, the deaths of your parents and any other high-stress or grief-ridden situations that you’re sure to face.

3. He appreciates your quirks.

A good man will fall in love with you because he cherishes your gifts and is willing to overlook your flaws. But a keeper will even find your quirkier qualities — religious reading of your and his horoscopes or habit of eating peanut butter straight from the jar with the spoon — not just tolerable but endearing.

4. He shows you how much he cares.

The most important element of any relationship is how the man you’re choosing to spend your time with treats you.

We’re not necessarily talking about bestowing upon you bouquets of red roses (though that’s always nice) but by showing you he cares about your well-being too — things like checking your tires because he thinks they look a little low or sending you an e-mail to wish you luck on your presentation at work.

5. He’s kind.

Since we were kids, we’ve been told that actions speak louder than words. This is never truer than in how your man conducts himself toward you and others. A keeper is an all-around nice person. He’s respectful to his parents (and yours), polite to waiters and waitresses, and gentle toward animals.

And he acts kindly even when he thinks no one else is looking — a true sign of good character.

6. He’s consistent.

Along the same lines as the previous sign, a keeper is reliable — a man who you can truly depend on.

While all people change throughout the courses of our lives, a man you’d want to have around for the long-term isn’t wishy-washy. His word should be stronger than oak, as the phrase goes, and his loving conduct toward you should be just as steady.

7. He wants to build a life with you.

When one person in a relationship wants to get married and the other doesn’t, you have a fundamental difference on your hands that needs to be addressed. A keeper, therefore, shares similar life goals as you do and he’ll readily work with you to make sure his plans and your plans for the future can mesh.

8. He can handle your emotions.

We think it’s safe to say that women have a track record of expressing our feelings more than our male counterparts. And said men need to know how to deal with our doing so in order to be considered our long-term partners.

A keeper will never attack you for being overly emotional by accusing you of being “just like your mother” or, our personal favorite, calling you “crazy.”

9. He fights fair.

How a man handles conflict shows as much about his character as how he acts during the good times. A keeper will express his feelings, ask for what he wants, and can receive constructive criticism — without screaming, whining or pouting. He will also be capable of listening to what’s on your mind without interjecting to correct or blame you.

10. He’s a grown-up.

On the road from child to adult, some guys stall out three-quarters of the way, never becoming self-sufficient. An immature man who refuses to adjust to the norms and values of society doesn’t see youth as a stage but rather a refuge from responsibility.

A keeper, on the other hand, is not just competent but confident in successfully managing his own life.

 

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How to Save Your Relationship

Expert Advice on Ways to Save Your Relationship — and How to Know If It’s Beyond Repair

How to Save Your Relationship

How can you tell if your relationship or marriage is experiencing more than just a rough patch? We talked to relationship expert and author Dr. Jane Greer to find out. According to her, there’s a telling sign that you and your partner’s problems are beyond repair.

“If one person is insistent and adamant that they’re not at fault and not doing anything wrong or they’re blaming you — making you the problem, saying you’re being critical . . . a relationship is about two people making it work, not one,” Dr. Greer told phicklephilly. “It’s a red flag if they aren’t willing to be open-minded and grow. Things are going to continue the way they’ve been.”

The only way couples can fix issues in their relationship is if both parties are committed to making it work. But if you continue to butt heads in the process, you’ll prevent yourselves from making any real progress. Unless he or she is prepared to put their stubbornness aside, you’ll remain at a standstill.

To further gauge where your relationship stands, Dr. Greer says to first “confront the issue head-on” and “start from a place of mutuality.” Have an open and honest conversation with your partner about the state of your partnership. See if they’ve also noticed the same things. Are you two always upset with each other? Does it feel like you’ve grown apart? And as difficult as it may be, go as far as asking your partner whether they see your relationship ending to really get a sense of how bad things are.

“If they say yes, ask what the most distressing things are — what are the worst problems that are making them want to end the relationship?” Dr. Greer said. “What are they unhappy about? How can you change and adapt to fix some of these issues? Then you switch and do the same for them.”

If this only sparks an argument, consider seeing a relationship counselor or therapist to help facilitate. Otherwise, if the two of you find yourselves exchanging constructive feedback, continue to focus on one behavior or problem area at a time to improve on. Dr. Greer explained how beginning there and taking a pulse once a month to evaluate any progress will best help you move forward as a couple and possibly come out on the other end even stronger.

“For example, if one person is really messy, or one person doesn’t want to have sex, or whatever, work on the changes you agreed upon, and then see where things are in a few weeks,” she said. “Talk about it again, revisit it. Ask if your partner sees any changes. Do they feel you’re more cooperative? Less messy? Initiating more sex? Etc. This will have you working as a team in a cooperative spirit.”

 

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Wildwood Daze – Autumn of 1979 – Shadows Fall

“Whatsoever I’ve feared has
Come to life.
Whatsoever I’ve fought off
Became my life.”

I was doing well in Frankford back in Philly. I had a life. I had a band and friends. All ripped from me. Don’t worry, I’ve forgiven all of the fuckers in my life in my forties, but I’m just documenting what happened. You live through it and try to rise above it.

After the summer of 1979, which was awesome, (Just like all of my summers. Thanks dad!) It was my first Fall/Winter away from Philly and living in a resort/retirement town which was Wildwood, New Jersey. That’s completely different from living in a city.

I’m isolated. I have anxiety and depression. The summer is over. I have no friends. I have no life. I have no band. All of the things I loved are gone.

Just like that.

My older sister Janice is facing her own challenges but she’s off at Franklin and Marshall college to go forward in her life. I’m stuck here now. My younger sisters are at Margaret Mace. They’re little kids. They’ll be fine. They’ll make a life and new friends. They’re little. Who cares. They’ll be fine.

But I’m a fucking senior in a High School in a shitty town that is only good for summer fun. I know one guy. A freshman who is a fourteen year old guitar player. I don’t know if this is even going to work. The guy looks older than me and I like him but aren’t we in two different places in our lives?

School was weird. I went from being the mighty burner in 11th grade chatting up chicks when I was in a band, and doing pretty well, to nothing.

I was well aware of my anxiety. I had been by the cold embrace of that demon since I was 6 years old. Knew him well. An insidious beast that controlled my every move. My own personal prison that I was always trying to escape from but to busy vomiting to let go of the bars of my own cell.

Wildwood in the summer is fantastic. That’s the only way I had ever known the town since 1970. Non stop fun. Sun, fun, beach, amusement rides on the boardwalk, summer friends and neighbors, kites, custard, movies, just an amazing life at the circus for two months.

Wildwood after Labor day was a desolate ghost town. My life was over. Janice…college. April and Gabrielle, kid school. Who cares. They haven’t formed any real relationships in life. They’ll be fine.

Me. Senior year in a school I know nothing about. Alone. Anxiety. Depression. Cold. Not the fun shore town I only knew during the summer months. This was desolate place. They would turn off the traffic lights and the place was an empty ghost town. To me this was a nightmarish prison I had been dropped off in because of someone elses little idea to escape Philly.

I think the only one that felt the fury of this burn was my mother. Because she was so connected in our old neighborhood with all of the ladies, I think she felt the isolation as well. But like my mother always did. She suffered in silence. She was so good at that. She had been through so much of my father’s wrath and nonsense, that she had become comfortable with being a prisoner of his OCD and anxiety and narcissism. She simply folded into the lifestyle.

I know I have crazy anxiety, but at that time I didn’t even know that anxiety and depression are best friends. I’m afraid and sad. I’m a victim of my weakness and fear and my depression is just my rage just turned inward because I don’t know what to do with it and I don’t want to get in trouble if I let my rage go.

I had a terrible temper when I was growing up, but because I was so beaten down by my father I just turned it inward because I was too scared to express my feelings.

He always said, ” Don’t be a victim.”

But that’s what he exactly shaped me into with his behavior toward me. I actually felt these word when he was screaming at me and hitting me.

Oh the irony!

One morning I came down to breakfast and I was just sad. I didn’t know anybody but Jim and I was just living in a ghost town going to a school where I didn’t know anybody at 17.

I didn’t even know I was depressed. I just felt disconnected and sad. I think that’s a normal reaction for a kid that once had a life and a band and friends in a city and got dropped off in a fucking ghost town because of somebody else’s idea.

My mom was fine, because she had already been broken years ago by this man.  But I was a teenage boy who was trying to find his way.

I was eating my cereal, and he just lit into me. Out of nowhere. I don’t know what ignited him. He loved to attack at meal time. My mother knew. He started in on me because I seemed unresponsive. I didn’t know I was depressed because what had happened to me, I thought I was just weak  just like always.

My father tore into me and told me to buck up and pull myself together.

I started to cry just like I always did when he was harsh with me. I looked over at my mother and her eyes were wet with tears. Hardened by years of dealing with his bullshit and affairs but she saw one of her own feeling his nonsense and wrath. I had gotten better and become a better person and my mother and I had become so much closer in the last few years.

But dad didn’t want a kink in his little plan. He couldn’t have any part of his plan fucked up. No. Everybody has to be compliant. I was sad and that is unacceptable because that would make him question his intentions of moving everybody to the shore and would work on his mind.

Super OCD and insecurity.

I was crying my eyes out into my cereal and he really let me have it. He didn’t like that I was sad about the whole move to Wildwood. That fucked with his whole plan. That can’t happen. That’s not supposed to happen according to his well thought out plan.

He can’t have a weak link. But my mom knew. She had already accepted him as the solid provider that was going to fuck his secretaries wherever he went because of his own insecurities. She knew it and accepted it and suffered in silence.

I remember many years later I had an opportuniy to fool around with a woman while I was in a relationship. I didn’t do it. He asked me why I didn’t take advantage of the available ass. I told him:

“Because that would be wrong, dad.”

He actually softened and said he was proud of me. I know in that moment he knew that he had raised a boy that wasn’t a fucking cheater like him. He actually looked surprised.

So that Autumn morning before school my father ripped me a new one because I wasnt on board with his bullshit dream of escaping the city and all of the bad loans they made at the Provident National Bank. That and his girlfriends. Eileen Lentz and the others.

He got up from the table and went off to work. I sat sobbing in my Cap’n Crunch with my mother.

“I’m sorry.   He got you.”

“It’s okay, Mom.”

I smiled and took a spoonful.

“It is what it is.”

The silence is deafening. I can’t keep these thoughts out. My father spent his entire life keeping it out. Never fixing. Just banishing them. Covering. Burying.

But I felt it all… and so did my mother.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day at 8am & 12pm EST.

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How To Know If Your Partner Is Cheating On You, According To Science

Rosie McCall

The Conversation

Picture Morgan Freeman, Donald Trump or Margaret Thatcher. Most likely you can hear their voices in your mind, and the characteristic inflections that they put on certain words, as well as their tone and pitch. Even without listening to the words, when you hear someone speak you can pick up important information about them from characteristics such as how loud or deep their voice is.

At the most basic level, voices convey biological characteristics such as whether someone is male or female, their body size and physical strengthage and sexual maturity. For example, Donald Trump’s voice can signal to you that he is a man, and that he has passed middle age. But did you know that voices can also signal a person’s attractiveness, fertility and even the likelihood of them being unfaithful?

A popular theory with evolutionary psychologists, known as “cads versus dads”, suggests that more masculine, dominant men are not as paternal and generally invest less in their children and grandchildren than less masculine men. Yet research shows women generally prefer deeper voiced, more masculine-sounding men, especially when these women are near ovulation.

This may be because partnering with deeper-voiced men could lead to genetically healthier children. Deeper voices have been linked to having more surviving children and grandchildrenhigher testosterone and lower stress hormones, and longer-term survival in men.

On the other hand, deeper-voiced men are also rated by women as more likely to cheat on a partner and as less trustworthy in general. Women who judge men with lower-pitched voices as more likely to cheat also prefer those men for short-term rather than long-term partners. Meanwhile, when women are breastfeeding and so currently taking care of a child, they are more likely to prefer men with higher-pitched voices than at other times.

This suggests women use something in men’s voices to try to assess how likely to cheat they are, as well as their general trustworthiness. This in turn can affect their attractiveness as a partner, depending on whether the women are drawn towards the paternal care of a potential long-term mate or just good genes.

Spotting a cheater

But can our voices really indicate whether we are likely to cheat? A recent study suggests that they can. Participants were played recordings of people speaking and given no other background information about them, and successfully rated cheaters as “more likely to cheat” than non-cheaters. Interestingly, women were better at this task than men.

The recordings were taken from people with voices of similar pitch and attractiveness, who were of similar size and shape, and had similar sexual histories (aside from cheating). This means that none of these factors affected the results. So we currently don’t know what cues the participants used to judge whether the voices came from cheaters.

It is not only women who can pick up on men’s vocal cues of good genes and likelihood to cheat, and use it to their benefit. A woman’s voice changes during her menstrual cycle when she is not using contraceptive pills. Perhaps unsurprisingly, men find women’s voices most attractive when the women are near ovulation (most fertile), than at other times of the month. This information is important to pick up on, as women do not display very explicit signals that they are fertile (unlike baboon females whose bottoms turn red, or female deer who release scents to advertise their fertility).

Voices can also signal whether someone is interested in you. In one clever study, participants were asked to judge the voices of individuals who spoke in a different language to attractive or unattractive potential partners or competitors.

The researchers found that, when talking to attractive people, men’s voices tend to reach a deeper pitch, and both men and women increase how varied their pitch is so their voices sound more dynamic than monotonous. Practically speaking, picking up on these types of cues could allow someone to decide whether a person they are talking to might be attracted to them or not.

In these ways, the non-verbal characteristics of voices can play a significant role in signalling health, fertility, attraction and potential infidelity, to name a few. Picking up on these cues, alongside the many other cues we receive when talking to someone, can help us make more informed and well-rounded choices about who to spend time with and who to avoid. But the next time you find yourself listening to and judging someone’s voice for these subtle cues, remember that they are judging yours, too.

 

 

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Sun Stories: Trish – Crash and Burn

When we last left our hero he was forced to go in and run the salon after Trish simply didn’t show up for work. He had plans with Cherie after 3pm that day and needed to do some chores to prepare for her arrival. But Because of Trish’s disappearing act, he now had to change his plans. He was working at the salon when suddenly Trish burst through the front door.

“I’m so sorry…”

She’s visibly upset on the verge of tears. She runs to me and hugs me.

“What happened?”

“I was arrested last night.”

“What? How? Why?”

“Well, I’ve been feeling kind of fucked up lately in my life. I used to do a lot of coke when I was in college and I just felt like I needed a lift to do some artwork I was working on.”

(Sounds like my buddy, Johnny R. He has all of these thoughts in his head but feels like he needs to drink, do coke and/or do some Adderall to put pen to page. When in reality, he’s not much different than Trish. You don’t need any of that shit to create. You just need to create everyday. But neither of them can focus long enough to make anything of any significant value because they don’t do it consistently. Simple as that.)

“So what did you do?”

I called this hot black guy I met at Ray’s Birthday Bar a few weeks ago. I asked him if he had anything and he said come down to where he was. Normally I would ask the person to deliver it to my house so I didn’t have to go somewhere that I’m unfamiliar with.”

“So then what happened and why did you break your rule?”

“Because he was really good looking.”

“Ahh… Trish yields to beauty! I can relate. So then what?”

“I ride my bike down to where he is and he tells me he has to go in some bar and get it. He asks me to come in but I tell him I’ll wait outside. After a bit, he comes out and we make the exchange.”

“So what happened next?”

“He goes back inside the bar and I start pedaling home on my bike and some guy gets out of his car and tells me to stop.”

“Was he dressed like a policeman?”

“No. But you could tell he was a cop. You just know. I’m like… What the fuck? The dude shows me his badge and they place me under arrest for conspiracy to commit a crime and possession of an illegal controlled substance.

“Whoa…”

“Yea, they also pinch the dude I bought it from. Apparently it’s his second offense so he’ll probably get sent up the river for three to five.”

“Why do I suddenly feel like I’m on some TV cop show?”

“So that’s where I’ve been for the last eighteen hours. In the can.”

“That sucks. This was supposed to be your last day here too. I’ve already taken your shift. You’re probably in no shape to work today.”

“Yea. Is it okay if I just hang out and help a bit?”

“Sure.”

“Then I’m going to go get my bike. I’ll probably UBER down to South Philly later and retrieve it… if it’s still there.”

So Trish cleaned a few beds, and later left to get her bicycle. She returned saying that she was happy the bike hadn’t been stolen or vandalized and that this had been a wake up call for her. She did some sweeping at the end of the shift and she an I walked back to our building in Rittenhouse.

I felt bad for Trish, although Achilles would later simply call her an asshole or a crackhead for not showing up for her shift and not calling or texting. She was just in the wrong place at the wrong time Friday night. Think of how much cocaine was bought and sold and consumed last night in this city. She hadn’t bought coke since she was in college. Here she was at nearly 28 years old and gets pinched the first time she tries to get some again.

She took several Saturday’s off and I covered her shifts when she was shooting a pilot for a TV show. It was supposed to be a reality show about hot girls searching for the paranormal in Gettysburg, PA. That sounds like a load of shit, but if Trish were on a show and she was wearing hot outfits, I’d watch it.

But the pilot got made and the actors never got paid, and to me it was a waste of time. The purveyors got their pilot done and got free help to be in it. They will shop it around to some networks and if it never gets picked up that’ll be the end of it. Trish never sees a dime and is actually out more money because she took time off from work and the costs associated with getting to and from Gettysburg.

Now she’ll have a criminal record. I’m sure for a first offense she’ll get a slap on the hand, a fine, and have to take some NA classes but that’ll be it. Maybe she can even get it expunged from her record in the future.

Trish didn’t want me to write about this, but it happened. It happened on her very last day at the salon. She blew it with a single bad decision. I’m simply writing about what happened on the day I was supposed to be off and spend time with my beloved. My girlfriend who I never get to see as much as I would like to and had to tell Cherie to push back our union. No, you can’t come and see me at 3pm. I don’t care what arrangements you’ve had to make with your family, your job or your son, because Trish fucked up. But when people make bad decisions they never realize how it will affect the people around them. That’s why they are who they and why they are where they are in their lives. I need to leave those people behind to wallow in their failure.

Trish still can come to the apartment and hang with my daughter, Lorelei, and I’ll be civil. But she fucked me and Achilles and the salon. And for that, we are done with her.

But the saga is not over yet.

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day at 8am & 12pm EST.

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An Expert Improved My Tinder Profile & The Results Were Immediate

Here’s an article by one of my female followers.

As a dating writer —  I’m constantly tweaking my dating app profiles. I test different pictures and new bios in an effort to get more matches, have more engaging conversations, and hopefully go on more dates. An improved Tinder profile doesn’t mean catering to what you think potential matches want to see; it’s all about portraying your best self. You want to express your personality in a way that helps other people to recognize how amazing you are.

To help me do just that, I enlisted the help of Meredith Golden, online dating expert and founder of SpoonmeetSpoon. Golden is a dating app ghostwriter who swipes on her clients’ apps for a living, so she really knows her stuff. She analyzed my Tinder profile and let me know what aspects were working in my favor, and what elements could be improved. After implementing the changes, I saw immediate results.

Her advice is always specific to the client, so while some of these changes may be applicable to you, it’s important to remember that your dating app profile is particular to you as an individual. If my experience working with an online dating expert taught me one thing, it’s that you want your profile to be as unique as you are. So by all means, learn from my mistakes. Just know that what works for one person may not always work for another. If you’re interested in some personalized feedback, you can always work with Golden yourself. She’s basically a fairy godmother for online dating.

Golden’s first order of business was to look through my pictures. She saw that I had my Instagram connected to Tinder, so she scrolled through there and picked out a few photos she liked better. She explained that the photos she cut weren’t as flattering as they could be, and she wanted to show off my most attractive qualities. “Some of your pictures convey how adorable you are and work for you,” she said. Others, not as much.

She cut my six previous selections down to five, keeping two and swapping out three. For my first photo, she chose one of me posing on a garden bench, smiling in a grey sweater and jeans. “My goal when you’re talking to someone on Tinder is for them to swipe right on you,” she said. “I want that first picture to hit it out of the park.” She emphasized that I looked pretty and radiated positivity in this picture. Plus, she liked that I was seated so my figure is visible.

Jamie Kravitz/Tinder

She also advised me to disconnect my Instagram and protect my privacy. We talked about how usually a person will only look through a potential match’s Instagram if they’re on the fence about swiping right or left. For most people, a few featured photos are enough to make a decision. “I would rather you just put your best foot forward,” Golden told me. “You bring a lot to the table with four or five fabulous pictures. Disable your Instagram so you can control what you’re putting out there.”

We settled on three solo pics, one of me and my mom to show I’m close with my family, and one photo that didn’t have me in it at all. This was a surprise to me, and Golden said she wouldn’t do this in all instances. In my case, though, she thought a photo of my bookshelf really showed my personality and made for an interesting talking point.

“I want your profile to be a comprehensive story about you that still portrays you as being attractive,” said Golden. “I’m not having you eating a burrito with food hanging out of your mouth in any of the pictures, which I see all the time and I have no idea why people do that. I want to show that you have personality and that you’re approachable and engaging.”

Then we moved on to my bio, which Golden thought was funny, but not personal enough. I was actually still using one I had previously crafted for an article about Tinder bios: “Looking for a partner in crime. Must enjoy long walks in the park, be extremely loyal, and always get excited when I come home from work. Bonus points if you’re actually a dog.”

Especially because we disconnected my Instagram, she wanted me to mention things about myself. “I would focus more on you. There’s a technique I borrow from Hinge: two truths and a lie. You can put that on your description on Tinder, because it generates a conversation,” she said. (Hinge uses a number of different prompts to help you fill out your profile, and two truths and a lie is a popular choice.)

We chose two basic, but interesting facts about me, and made up a third. We said that I’m great at roller skating, which I’m definitely not, but it’s not a claim that’s out of the realm of possibility. Golden said that this approach makes it really easy for even the laziest guy to send me a message guessing which one is the lie. “In the profile description, I want someone to have something to talk to you about,” she said. “I want the guy to start and I want to give him some data. Two truths and a lie is an easy way to do that.”

Next up were my preferences. I had my radius set to 10 miles, which she said was a good distance from my home in Manhattan. She thought it was important to reach the other boroughs of the city, plus the adjacent city of Hoboken, New Jersey. “We don’t need to do like 30 miles to take us to the suburbs, because at 22, you’re not dating someone who’s got kids,” she said.

Ten miles in the city feels like a lot, since I typically find that my matches are usually only two or three miles away. I would be open to dating someone who lives farther, and I don’t want to miss out on someone great just because I’d prefer not to take the subway.

My age range was from 22 to 28 (I’m 22), and Golden suggested I bump up my maximum age to 32. “I know that sounds totally creepy from where you sit at 22, but I think women tend to mature faster than guys,” she said. She explained that a 30-year-old guy who has a great career and is looking for an equally great relationship is likely to open up his search to include much younger women. In order for us to be on each other’s radars, I needed to increase my age preferences to include older men. “It opens up your dating options. He’s 30 or 31 but you’re in the same stage of life,” said Golden.

I see her point, though I am a little concerned we wouldn’t have much in common. She told me that I would likely freak out the first time I went out on a date with someone who is over 30, but after five or so dates it wouldn’t feel like a big deal. I haven’t set one up yet, so I’ll have to keep you posted.

I made those changes and got to swiping. I’m not exaggerating when I say I saw results right away. I matched with one guy, and he immediately messaged me saying, “Is that a Harry Potter bobblehead?!” about the picture of my bookshelf. Then, he took on my two truths and a lie (and got it right). A few other guys also messaged me first trying to guess the lie in my bio.

Jamie Kravitz/Tinder

I feel like I’m getting better quality matches, and more engaging messages from those matches. Men are messaging me first more than they did before. I’ve set up three actual dates already. Matching with older guys feels more serious, but not in a bad way. They’re asking me on legitimate dates to dinner or the movies, rather than just expecting to come over to my place and hook up.

View image on Twitter

 

Talk about an eye-opening experience. I never would have thought to make some of these changes on my own, but they’re already paying off.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day at 8am & 12pm EST.

Facebook: phicklephilly        Instagram@phicklephilly   Twitter: @phicklephilly