This Is How Long It Takes to Get Over a Broken Heart, Says Study

You will recover and get your self-esteem back.

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It happens to all of us. A relationship ends in heartbreak and the world stops and kicks us off. Or so it feels. And the low self-esteem after a breakup only serves to prolong the agony.

How long does the bottom-dwelling last? Can you still figure out how to survive a breakup when you’re feeling this lousy about yourself? Isn’t it bad enough that the one you loved doesn’t love you anymore — do you have to not love you, too?

Certain feelings go with the territory of a broken heart — confusion, anger, and sadness. But, if your low self-confidence is causing you to constantly blame and disparage yourself, getting over a breakup gets even more difficult and your healing will be slow.

If your self-worth perked up when you started dating your ex but plummeted after your split, it’s probably dependent on being in a relationship. When you’re heartbroken, you feel worthless, which leads you to hang onto what is no longer available and/or no longer healthy.

Ironically, gauging how long your low self-esteem after a break-up will last depends, to a certain degree, on your self-esteem.

If all you do is self-criticize, you won’t be able to process what happened in the relationship. And if you can’t process this one, you can’t prepare for the next one. That’s the vicious cycle of low self-esteem that keeps you stuck.

The loss of self-esteem is the most disruptive aspect of a breakup because it prevents you from moving forward. You need an inherent sense of worth to invest the energy in your healing and future.

If you had healthy self-esteem at the beginning of your relationship, wouldn’t it stand to reason that it should still be there after a breakup?

A ding to your self-esteem is understandable. But if your low self-esteem after a breakup leads you to stalk your ex or pray for a reconciliation, that ding is a big dent.

There are a lot of theories about how long it should take to heal from a breakup. Some say half the length of the relationship (woe to those together for decades!). Some say as little as a month.

The truth is, the uniqueness of the individuals and their relationship can’t be overlooked or generalized.

However, a study in the Journal of Positive Psychology found that 71 percent of 155 young adults took around 11 weeks to see positive change. By the end of those three months, the subjects could see positive aspects from their breakups.

They also felt they had grown and become goal-oriented — all positive changes to their low self-esteem after a breakup.

Other influences on the healing of your low self-esteem after a breakup include factors like race, gender, and sexual preference. According to another study, women, African Americans, and heterosexuals have more positive outcomes.

But the biggest predictor of positive outcomes was the person who initiated the breakup.

Finally, when it comes to giving the best advantage to your low self-esteem after a breakup, social media plays a role. Those with a higher frequency of internet surveillance also have a higher level of post-breakup distress.

Accidentally “bumping into” your ex on Facebook will only serve to set back the clock on your healing time.

It’s reasonable to expect that the recovery of your low self-esteem after a breakup can take at least a few weeks. But the factors affecting that timeline depend on you and the relationship that just ended.

And, once you figure it out, building confidence is not as impossible anymore.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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10 Reasons Why Divorced Women Are The Strongest

“Dear Women, you have the courage to be alone for the right reasons than to be with anyone for the wrong ones.”

Marriage is a beautiful relationship between two individuals and its dissolution leading to a divorce can be painful for anyone.

However, it is all the more harder on women because of the cultural conditioning we have been brought up with.

It can invoke feelings of failure and loss, fear of unknown and discomfort of dealing with collective societal judgments.

These are all the more reasons that prove that women who decide to exit a bad marriage in spite of all these fears are extremely strong, capable and self respecting.

It also shows a very high level of self dependence and personal power explains Helen Fisher in her avant-garde book “Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage and Why We Stray”.

“This correlation between economic independence and divorce rate is seen in a host of cultures, where men and women are not dependent on each other to survive economically, bad marriages can end— and often do.”, states Fisher.

Writer/director Mark Radcliffe also has stated several compelling reasons that display that divorced women are much stronger and attractive than their counterparts in his articles. For reasons ranging from having the balls to walk away from something that isn’t fulfilling to having a deep knowledge of what works and what doesn’t work for them individually.

So ladies, if you have taken a bold step of exiting a marriage that hasn’t been fulfilling, know that you are far more courageous than you know.

Here, we have compiled a list of 10 awesome reasons that prove that you are the strongest and you deserve all the happiness in the world:

1) Having experienced loss and rebounding from it makes you a badass

Moving out of a marriage even if it was loveless and not right for you can still be extremely painful and disheartening.

It can sometimes happen that women think that it’s better to stay in a loveless marriage due to fear of society or other conditions but you are strong enough to move past that fear because you cherish your freedom and right to be happy over what other people would think.

This displays your resilience, courage and self sufficiency .All these traits make you extremely badass.

2) You had the guts to take a swing at love

A lot of people shrink away from the idea of marriage due to the fear of getting hurt. But you, at least had the courage to give your love a shot by taking a plunge into marriage.

It’s ok if it dint work out, at least you had the guts to go for something your heart wanted in the first place. That’s a very brave and courageous move.

3) You have the courage to be alone for the right reasons than to be with anyone for the wrong reasons.

You know that it’s better to be on your own, doing your own thing than being in a lifeless and loveless relationship. You have the strength to be happy on your own and you do not stay in a relationship just to have anybody stand next to you.

4) You know that a fulfilling relationship takes work

You also know that love takes team work and requires both partners to invest in making the relationship work instead of believing in some fairytale idea that everything takes care of itself in a relationship.

You know that successful marriage requires two mature and independent individuals who come together to support each other grow instead of being codependent and stifling each other’s growth.

You have a more mature and practical approach to love and marriage instead of having a childish candy floss idea of romance.

5) You have the courage to walk from something that isn’t wholesome and fulfilling

Your guts to walk away from something that wasn’t fulfilling and wholesome display the kind of standards and principles you have.

You had the balls to stand up and say that this isn’t what I want and moved on and faced the world alone. That takes a lot of incredible power, girl!

6) You’ve humbled by recognizing and learning from your experience

Every experience in life teaches us valuable lessons about who we are and what we want from life. This kind of self awareness is extremely important as it bestows a person with a humble and yet a very confident self esteem.

Infact most of our failed relationships are great platforms that have provided us with this extremely useful knowledge of what our needs and non negotiable are in our relationships.

And this knowledge can help us to choose our future partners wisely.

7) You have a deep knowledge of what satisfies you emotionally and sexually

Break ups always leave you in an introspective mode where you try to find out what went wrong and what the learning from your experience is.

The result of this activity is that it opens up a doorway for profound insights into your own likes and dislikes, preferences, desires and non negotiable.

Going through a divorce (as painful as it might feel), also means that the entire process has helped you immensely to be more self aware.

So, now you have a deep knowledge of what satisfies you emotionally and sexually and that’s a very rare trait for both men and women, because a lot of people don’t take out the time for this kind of introspection and self awareness.

8) You know what losing love feels like

You have experienced what losing love feels like and you would also make every effort to keep it from happening again.

You would be more willing and open to have tough conversations that are part and parcel of every relationship.

Infact most of the relationships fall apart because people avoid these tough conversations. But you wouldn’t run away from this and actually encourage your partner to have those tough conversations that can strengthen the relationship.

9) You live your life to the fullest

Your choosing to invest in yourself than investing in a lifeless relationship shows the kind of love and respect you have for yourself. You always deserved the self-love you were sacred to provide yourself.

10) Your scars area sign of your wisdom and make you all the more attractive

You have experienced a very wide range of human emotions from pain and loss to love and euphoria, which gives you a certain depth and ability to appreciate all that life has to offer.

A few kinks in your armor or few scars are only a sign of your warrior strength and have made you more attractive and inspiring for people.

So, if you’re worried about your future, don’t be. There are a lot of people out there who find all these traits way more attractive than superficial stuff and you would find someone incredible walking your path pretty soon.

And even if you don’t you would still be kickass girl!

One separation cannot stop the fierce spirit that you are.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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9 Divorce Myths You Need to Ignore (And What to Do Instead)

It’s not always what you think.

There are a lot of myths about divorce and divorce statistics that keep infecting our society. For starters, despite what we’ve heard, the divorce rate actually is not 50 percent. In fact, that number is actually one that was a projected number based on the fact that the divorce rates were on the rise in the 70s and early 80s.

The reality, according to a piece by the New York Times, is that divorce rates are dropping, meaning “happily ever after” is actually a pretty good possibility.

We spoke to therapist Susan Pease Gadoua and journalist Vicki Larson, authors of the eye-opening book, The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels, to get their insight. Here’s what Gadoua and Larson had to say.

1. One in two marriages end in divorce.

That 50 percent statistic is wrong and was based on a projected number that is far too outdated. I mean, the 1970s were 40 years ago, and a lot has changed since then. While divorce rates increased in the 1970s and 1980s, they’ve actually dropped in the last 20 years.

The New York Times found that 70 percent of marriages that occurred in the 1990s actually reached their 15th year wedding anniversary. Statistics also show that thanks to people marrying later in life, maturity is helping to keep people together longer. At the rate that things are going, there’s a good chance that two-thirds of marriages will stay together and divorce will be unlikely.

So if the divorce rate isn’t 50 percent, what is it? It really depends on when couples married, explains Vicki.

“Just under 15 percent of those who tied the knot in the 2000s have divorced, but many of those couples may not have had kids yet—kids add stress to marriage. Of those who married in the 1990s, 35 percent have split. Those who married in the 1960s and 70s have a divorce rate in the 40-45 percent range. And those who married in the 1980s are approaching a 50 percent divorce rate — the so-called gray divorce.”

2. Divorce harms children.

According to Gadoua, divorce can be stressful on kids, but not so much harmful. What does the most damage is parents fighting in front of the kids.

“Think about it. Who likes to be around conflict all the time? Tension is contagious and kids in particular don’t have the tools or defenses to handle angry exchanges from their parents. There is a great deal of research indicating that what children need more than anything is a stable and peaceful environment. That may be with parents living together, but it can also occur when parents are living apart.

The key is that parents get along and stay present for their children. Kids shouldn’t be caught in parental crossfire, used as a pawn or treated like a surrogate spouse. They should be able to relax and feel confident that their parents are in charge,” explains Gadoua.

3. Second marriages are more likely to end in divorce.

While statistically this is true, Living Apart Together (LAT) marriages and things like conscious coupling are changing that by challenging the conventional norms of how a marriage should be and providing more options for how married people can live their lives.

Gadoua and Larson encourage couples to explore those options fully.

“We’re all for you choosing a LAT marriage — or giving each other space in your existing marriage — because it offers you and your partner exactly what you want: connection and intimacy with enough freedom to avoid the claustrophobia that often comes with living together 24/7 as well as whatever it is that makes many people take each other for granted, whether they’re married or cohabiting.”

4. Divorce equals “failure.”

No way. Whether it’s a starter marriage (a marriage that ends within five years and doesn’t result in kids) or a marriage that has stood the test of time, divorce doesn’t mean you’ve failed.

“The only measure we have to determine whether a marriage is successful or not is by how long it lasts. Yet, there are many people who have healthier, better lives after divorce. Perhaps the couple has raised healthy kids who’ve flown the coop and now they want to take a different direction in their lives.

Why is that a failure? Look at Al and Tipper Gore. The media was clamoring to place the blame somewhere, yet there was no one and nothing to blame. Their marriage simply ended with both of their blessings,” say Gadoua and Larson.

5. Wedding size and cost relate to the length of a marriage.

The New York Times published a piece on the correlation between the size and cost of a wedding and its effect on the length of a marriage. While the authors of the study, Andrew Francis-Tan and Hugo M. Mialon, said that wedding expenses and marriage duration could be “inversely correlated,” they couldn’t pinpoint which wedding, expensive or inexpensive, would have a higher chance of divorce.

Gadoua and Larson agreed, in a roundabout way. Although lavish expenses on an engagement ring and a wedding could mean the marriage will start off with a lot of debt, and nothing strains couples more than money: “What our studies and what research by others seem to indicate is that personalities — being empathetic, generous, appreciative, etc.—and matched expectations are much better gauges of whether a marriage is going to last happily.”

6. You can (and should) divorce-proof your marriage.

As Larson wrote in an essay for WeVorce, “you can’t affair- or divorce-proof a marriage because you can’t control another person’s behavior, you can only control your own.”

When we asked her about this topic she explained: “You can’t control your partner’s behavior and if you could that would really dangerous! You can be the best possible spouse and do all the things relationships experts recommend — from dating your spouse to having great and frequent sex to being a supportive, appreciative partner — and still end up divorced.”

Larson also added that you shouldn’t even want to divorce-proof your marriage, because sometimes it’s healthier to let go and move on.

7. Living together before marriage lowers the chance of divorce.

It has often been said that those who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce, but recent studies say that’s not true.

A 2014 study by associate professor Arielle Kuperberg from the University of North Carolina at Greensboro found that contrary to myths that either living together or not living together before you’re married actually has nothing to do with whether or not those couples will divorce. In her research, Kuperberg found what really plays a role is just how young these people decide to cohabitate, because “settling down too young is what leads to divorce.”

LAT marriages also are throwing a wrench in the correlation between cohabitation and its effects on divorce. Couples, especially older ones, are choosing to live apart, but manage to keep their marriage very happy, healthy, and alive.

8. Infidelity breaks up marriages.

While it’s easy to say that infidelity is the major cause of marriages ending, that isn’t always the case.

As Eric Anderson, an American sociologist at England’s University of Winchester and author of The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love, and the Reality of Cheating, told Larson, “Infidelity does not break marriages up; it is the unreasonable expectation that a marriage must restrict sex that breaks a marriage up… I’ve seen so many long-term relationships broken up simply because one had sex outside the relationship. But feeling victimized isn’t a natural outcome of casual sex outside a relationship; it is a socialized victimhood.”

9. If you’re unhappy at a certain point in your marriage, you’re going to get divorced.

Marriage isn’t easy. It’s something that requires a lot of energy, understanding, and most importantly communication. Just because you’re unhappy at a certain point, doesn’t mean divorce is inevitable – every marriage has a bad patch.

But if that bad patch is more than just a patch and you’ve really given it your all, including attending couples counseling (“three or four sessions aren’t enough,” says Gadoua) for several months or a year, then maybe it’s time to call it quits. However, a short-lived unhappiness doesn’t warrant an end.

There’s no doubt about it: the shape of marriage is definitely changing. Gadoua and Larson discuss several alternative couplings that are becoming more mainstream in their book. These are two less-traditional marriages that are undoubtedly becoming more popular.

“LAT relationships are pretty big in Europe, especially Great Britain, and are also growing in the States. For young people, it generally is a reflection of the so-called emerging adulthood period, when they’re spending more time in school and building careers,” Vicki explains. “But for older people, who may be divorced or widowed, it’s more a reflection of their desire for commitment and freedom, and also, especially for women, a way to not fall into gendered patterns of housekeeping and caregiving.

As for couples who get together to co-parent, some may be romantic partners, but that’s not always the case. “There are websites like Modamily.com just for that purpose,” says Vicki. “We interviewed a couple that was committing to each other and their child for 18 years, with an option to renew, so they could give their child the stability and consistency children need to thrive.

Couples may even transition their traditional marriage into a parenting marriage. “Some couples that are not happy after kids come along and might have divorced in the past are opting to convert their marriage into a parenting marriage,” say Gadoua and Larson.

“They stay in the same home and remove the romantic equation from their partnership, which reduces conflict while allowing each of them to spend time with the children. This week alone, Susan helped two couples transfer their marriage from traditional to parenting.”

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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Lorelei – My Daughter – Happy Valentine’s Day

What can I say on Valentine’s Day to my daughter?

First on and foremost lets see what Valentines day really is.

I created the link so I don’t have to deal with it.

There will be flowers, chocolate and missing my girlfriend this year.

What are you all up to?

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valentine%27s_Day

 

Valentine’s day is here and my girlfriend is in Japan with her family so I have no one to celebrate the stupid created money grab holiday with.

So who do I love?

Of course! It’s so easy. My daughter, Lorelei!

So I’ll just write to her today.

 

Happy Valentine’s Day to you, love.

You are the light of my life, and even though you rose from a broken marriage, we both loved you so much.

I can’t speak for your mom but I love you more that I love myself, and I know she does too.

As crazy and difficult anything has been between your mom and me, we both love you and would give our lives to protect you in this world.

 

I forgive your mom for everything, and I hope she is smiling right now.

 

Life is way too short to be bitter about anything.

 

I’m so happy that you and Brad have been in a relationship for over 4 years now! (We love him! He gets to come to Christmas every year at Janice’s house!)

You have worked from the day you graduated high school, and been so consistent in everything you’ve pursued.

You’ve been in the same job for the last two years and have outlasted most of your coworkers, and you’ve been promoted.

 

I’m so proud of you my only daughter.

 

You’ve been in the arts since you were 4 years old. Singing, choir, acting, drama, shows, and plays non-stop. Theater Camp, and then high school plays, non-stop.

You came to me at 18 to escape the clutches of your mom and flourished here in Philly.

I love that, because we both made great decisions to come to this city for retribution and rebirth. Me in 2007, and you in 2015. Our family is from here and we belong here.

 

You and I had a great conversation tonight about how you have been making music again in your life.

Lor, you are a brilliant singer, but as an artist myself I knew I could never push you when you arrived here in Philly at 18.

Artists can never be controlled.

As much as a parent I wanted to encourage your talent I knew I was powerless, so I did nothing. The talent either thrives or perishes.

There is no middle ground when it comes to art.

 

Lorelei, you healed and flourished here in Philly.

I started to see your art return to you slowly. (That’s how it always occurs)

 

Long story short, you have now connected with a guitarist and you are going to start playing paid gigs at a bar here in Philly. You are very much in control of the set list and the guitarist is on board, so this is really happening.

I couldn’t be happier.

 

I’m a big fan of: “If you’ve got the gift, use it”

 

But it’s happening and I’m so excited! The former musician’s daughter that is far more talented than him is now going forth with her art.

You guys even have a venue and will be getting paid, which puts them light years ahead of anything I was doing back in 1979!

I’m so proud of my daughter and will invite everyone I to her first show…. I know it will be amazing.

 

Umm…. I’m going to write these last words just so they’re on the internet forever for her from me….

 

Happy Valentine’s Day, my love!

 

My beautiful bird….

 

Go forth and sing.

I have wished for this day for so long, and now it’s here.

This moment in your life is so important.

Now you strike.

Daughter, it is your time to fly high, but not to close to the sun.

Protect your wings.

Life is fleeting and fragile.

Enjoy yourself.

 

Your Dad will always be here for you as long as I can stand.

 

As i get older I’ve learned that life is always moving fast.

 

In a short amount of time…

 

This will all seem like a long time ago.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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Racquel Writes! 5 Lessons I Learned from my Divorce

via 5 Lessons I Learned from my Divorce

 

http://www.racquelwrites.com

 

 

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You’re Twice As Likely To Get Divorced If These 7 Things Are True

https://va.topbuzz.com/s/veSy

 

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What Jeff and MacKenzie Bezos’ Divorce Could Mean for Amazon

https://www.cnn.com/2019/01/10/tech/jeff-bezos-divorce-amazon/index.html

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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