Here’s Why Staying Silent After A Break Up Is The Ultimate Revenge

Breakups are never fun. They aren’t supposed to be. We all have been through some terrible and disastrous breakups where our entire world comes crashing down. It hurts us so bad, that we feel like smashing our ex into pieces and hatching a good revenge plan.

Relax! At times, things don’t work out and are simply not meant to be, and that’s absolutely okay. We understand, when matters of the heart don’t yield positive results, pain is inevitable. But revenge is never the solution. If you still feel that revenge will give you peace, try this one, silence. Here’s why it’s the best weapon in your armor.

Silence speaks volumes

The best revenge is no reaction. Believe it, the silence and zero reaction really bothers your ex, and they consider it as the best served revenge. Nothing creates more curiosity than silence. Your ex would expect a vent or an angry rant from you, but don’t give in. If you do, you are meeting their expectations. Try seeking sadistic pleasure by using silence as a weapon.

Your ex wins the breakup, so what?

The never-ending battle of who eventually wins the breakup is a thing. Ask yourself, do you really need to win the breakup just to satisfy your ego and make yourself feel superior? You DON’T! Are you really this petty? NO, right? Instead, be the bigger person by not reacting to the breakup. Your silence will make your ex feel guiltier.

You are giving that person unnecessary importance

If you’re busy plotting revenge, you are giving that person unnecessary attention and importance in your life even after the breakup. You can easily avoid this and live your life peacefully, instead focusing on healing and feeling happier. You can’t always determine the fate of your relationship, but how you deal with the pain when things end is something you have control over. Always remember that!

 

 

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How To Move On After Letting Go Of Someone Who Doesn’t Love You Back

A broken heart doesn’t have to break you…

When it comes time to a break up with someone, it’s not easy, even if they don’t love you anymore. If you’re trying to move on and get over the emotions and pain of a breakup when you’re still in love with your ex, it’s even harder.

But the truth is, as difficult as it may be, embracing your ability to move on after a breakup and start over fresh is important.

Are you struggling after letting go of someone who doesn’t love you back?

Have you walked away from someone you loved because you know they don’t love you?

Do you know that you did the right thing but are you still struggling with the pain and self-doubt? I get it.

Here are 6 tips for moving on after ending a relationship with the person you still love:

1. Don’t trick yourself into playing the victim.

Eight years ago, my husband walked out on me for his college girlfriend. We’d been married for twenty years, and I was devastated. I raged on about how he could do this to me, to our children? I was angry and sad and out for revenge.

And then a friend gently reminded me that my story was perhaps a little bit off track. Yes, he had walked out on me and that was completely unacceptable. But we had been really, really unhappy for a long time. Our kids were headed off to school and neither one of us knew if we were ready to reconnect.

It was entirely possible that we would have ended up divorced anyway.

Keeping in mind, that I wasn’t a victim but a partner in a marriage that slowly fell apart, I was able to accept the end of our relationship. The “leaving me for someone else without even trying” piece still stings, but the truth is that our marriage was most likely doomed and I’m way better off. He’s her problem now.

2. Make a list of every reason why you need to leave them behind.

When you have to walk away from someone you love, make a list — a list of all of the reasons you to walk away from that person.

When you spend time with someone, you’re regularly exposed to the things that remind you to walk away. When you finally get away from that person, those things tend to recede into your memory.

They get replaced in the forefront of your mind with the good things, times, and everything you loved about that person. And with the good things at the front of your mind, you’re vulnerable to returning to the relationship causing you pain.

So, make a list. Make a list of everything that you can think of that is making you walk away from the person that you love.

Keep that list close and refer to it when you’re missing him. You left this relationship for a reason. Keep those reasons in mind daily going forward.

3. Go no contact immediately after separating.

I know you think that you need “closure” at the end of a relationship, that final conversation where everyone gets to say what they want to say and you understand each other and walk away as friends.

I’m here to tell you that closure is a myth. Closure is really just one last chance to spend time with and talk to the person you still love.

Because really, if you could have a conversation and finally understand each other, why couldn’t you make it work as a couple?

So, when you’ve decided the relationship is over, cut him off. Block him on your phone, disconnect on social media, stay away from places where you know he’ll be.

Why? Because what you need to do is break the addiction you have to this person, to change your habits.

Think about Oreo cookies. You know how hard it is to eat just one? It’s the same with your man. Even one point of contact can draw you back into his circle — the circle you decided you’re determined to break yourself out of.

So, go no contact right away. It will make the process way easier!

4. Do something new and exciting.

Another thing to do with all of that free time is to start doing something that you have always wanted to do. Don’t sit around feeling sorry for your empty space — do something with it.

For instance, say a woman broke up with a man she loved desperately but who couldn’t commit to her. She was devastated.

To deal with this pain, she decided to do something she’d always wanted: Writing.

She started writing about her broken heart, what happened, her insights about what she could have done differently, and the way she felt with him gone from her life.

It was hard work for her, emotionally, but soon she started to get a following. Other women who were going through the same things appreciated her written words and started commenting on her articles.

As a result, she built a small community of women who supported each other through the rough times.

What is it that you have always wanted to do? Pick one thing and start doing it. You have the time. Life is short. Don’t waste it!

5. Make sure to comfort yourself.

When your heart is broken and you feel like your life is over, one of the best things that you can do is self-care. Your body and your spirit may feel broken but some nurturing will help them heal.

When my husband left me, I was left devastated and alone. My house was empty, my kids were gone, and my husband no longer came home at the end of the day. My days were endless and I didn’t know how I was going to survive being alone.

One day, a Groupon appeared in my inbox for a massage. I had nothing to do, so I bought it and I made an appointment. That massage was one of the best hours of my life. I was in a warm room, on a cozy table, and I had a lovely woman attending to my aches and pains, making me feel loved and cared for.

I realized that day, when I emerged from the spa feeling rejuvenated and alive, that doing things that comforted me was what I needed to help me move forward.

From that day on, I would spend some time every day doing things to take care of myself. I did yoga, went for walks, spent time antiquing with girlfriends and drank whiskey by the fire on cold winter nights.

By nurturing myself, by loving myself, I was able to get the strength that I needed to let go of the loss of my marriage.

6. Believe your love is out there for you.

I find this to be the number one obstacle when you’re breaking up with someone who doesn’t love you: Believing you’ll never find love again.

Almost without exception, people who are in relationships that aren’t making them happy don’t leave because they believe there will never be another person for them.

That if they break up with this person, they’ll be alone forever!

But that just isn’t true. There are many, many fish in the sea, and there is one for you.

Of course, if you never have a chance to go fishing, because you are still with this idiot who doesn’t love you then you won’t find that person.

But if you can be brave enough to act, and break up with said person, then you will be setting yourself up for finding the love of your life.

Moving on after letting go of someone who doesn’t love you back is a very hard thing to do. You still love them but you know that you must let them go because of the pain they are causing you. It will be difficult but it is possible!

Make sure that your break up story is a true one. I can promise you that your guy is out there! You will find him if you can let go and find yourself again!

 

 

10 Types Of Relationships That Have No Chance Of Lasting

These are basically doomed from the start.

Is it ever possible to start a relationship in which partners will be able to live happily until old age?

It’s difficult to predict the future.

But, the chances of success are higher if lovers want to be together, invest emotionally, and recognize the signs of serious issues in time.

Hence, not all relationships with issues are doomed.

So, are you ready to find out what increases the risk of a breakup and how to deal with stress in the case of failure?

And what couples are doomed to break up?

1. Those who don’t discuss financial matters

Romance alone will not get you far.

If the partners aren’t aware of each other’s financial requests at the very beginning, it will play a cruel joke on them in the future.

Therefore, it is necessary to negotiate beforehand on how to manage the family budget.

Who will be the main breadwinner? What are your career ambitions? Are you both ready to sacrifice your comfort if a crisis comes?

Otherwise, there’s a risk of unpleasant surprises.

2. Those who fall in love with their illusions

It is foolish to choose a partner relying solely on who they might become in the future.

In the end, these are your guesses and dreams and you will have to live with who they really are.

If you don’t like someone’s character, bad habits, and social circle, you will not be able to change them.

Hence, you will have to be able to accept them with all their shortcomings.

However, if you are not ready, then do not be fooled. A breakup is inevitable.

3. Those who like to even the score

For example, a woman had refused to have sex, then a man did not buy her a gift.

She could not come on holidays with him, then he went on vacation alone. There are couples like this.

No one is willing to give up their wishes, so the partners play a game called “you give me something, and then I will give you something in return”.

And the rates will rise until someone gets crazy and leaves the game.

True love does not tolerate competition — you either mutually invest or you drown each other.

4. A star and an admirer

In such a relationship, one partner is selfish and requires unquestioning veneration and adoration.

First, another partner indulges them and takes care of them, almost wears on their hand until the demands of the “star” increase many times and the person does not receive anything in return.

One day, the admirer gives up and stops being a donor, because they are also alive and need love.

There needs to be a balance of energy and support if you don’t want your relationship to be doomed.

5. A thinker and a dummy

Even if the partners have been brought together by true love, sooner or later the difference in intellectual levels will manifest.

People who are at different evolutionary stages cannot be together.

If one seeks to improve oneself and develop their knowledge, while another one doesn’t need anything from life, the relationship will fail.

Sooner or later, one of them will tire of carrying dead weight and the second one will not be able to rise above their station.

6. Partners with conflicting interests

Relationships aren’t only about love.

People need to have similar interests and goals for the relationship to flourish.

If a woman wants to have children, but a man doesn’t.

If one of them wants to devote themselves to saving the world, while another one cares for nothing but themselves, then such a relationship will not work out, no matter how the two are deceiving themselves.

Lifestyles and ideals must coincide; otherwise, they will kill each other.

7. People with a big age difference

At first, in such a relationship, everything goes perfectly.

For example, the heart of a young lady loves the reliability and sustainability of a mature partner.

However, they will hardly be together to old age, since their interests and needs differ too much.

At some point, the young partner may want to have kids, devote themselves to self-realization, and feel passion, while the second one, being in their 50s, quickly loses interest in everything and tires himself of the frenetic pace.

Then, their future can be doomed.

8. Two leaders

This type of relationship is about strength, purposefulness, and a strong-willed character.

They are similar and this cannot inspire.

However, a relationship is the union of a leader and a follower or when both partners are easy-going and willing to share obligations.

Leaders are not capable of giving in, because they want to be first and foremost in everything.

And if there are two bosses, there can be a struggle for power, which, in turn, can result in a breakup.

9. An emotionally unstable couple

When one of the partners plays the role of a caring parent, sooner or later they will become exhausted – especially if they get nothing in return.

A person gets tired of being forgiving and all-loving when their efforts are sabotaged and criticized; they also have the right to love!

Therefore, they leave and go where they will be valued, taken care of, and where they will always be welcomed.

10. Those who are united only by physical proximity

If the partners have nothing in common except physical proximity, then their relationship is doomed to fail.

In any relationship, you also need to talk, do household chores, and be there for each other in times of grief and joy.

And what if there are health problems, financial problems, or personal crisis?

You cannot build a strong and healthy relationship if it’s only based on sex.

However, you can find an exception to each of these cases.

A breakup is the last resort and most couples aren’t doomed to end up like that.

Many problems between partners can and should be worked on and solved.

But, only if both partners want it.

However, if the breakup is inevitable, it’s necessary to do your best to get over it with minimum losses.

What are some of the most common signs that a relationship will fail? Let us know in the comments below!

 

 

The 3 main reasons couples break up, according to science

f you’ve ever been unsure about whether to leave a relationship, or have witnessed a friend spend years in an unhappy partnership without making that final break, then you’ll know deciding to split can be a long and drawn-out process.

Now, a team of scientists from the University of Utah has sought to pinpoint the factors that determine whether we stay or go, Stylist reports.

And, based on the results, it looks like the main reasons for leaving are the same, whether you are married or not…

‘Most of the research on breakups has been predictive, trying to predict whether a couple stays together or not, but we don’t know much about the decision process — what are the specific relationship pros and cons that people are weighing out,’ explained lead researcher Samantha Joel in the journal Social Psychology and Personality Science.

To discover the key factors involved in deciding to break up or stay together, the team asked anonymous volunteers open-ended questions about relationships, from which they identified 23 reasons why we end things and 27 factors that make us stay.

The top three things that make us leave? Issues with a partner’s personality, a breach of trust and a partner’s withdrawal.

Photo credit: Giphy

However, when it came to deciding whether to remain in a relationship, things differed between those who were married and those who weren’t.

Couples who were dating (for an average of two years) listed more positive reasons for staying with their partner, including emotional intimacy and their other half’s personality.

Those who were married, meanwhile, were, err, a little more practical…

The key reasons to stay committed were a sense of investment, family responsibilities and a fear of uncertainty. Hmm, who said romance was dead?

The team concluded that getting out of a relationship is much harder than getting into one in the first place.

‘Breaking up can be a really difficult decision,’ said Joel. ‘You can look at a relationship from outside and say “you have some really unsolvable problems, you should break up”, but from the inside that is a really difficult thing to do and the longer you’ve been in a relationship, the harder it seems to be.’

She added: ‘Humans fall in love for a reason. From an evolutionary perspective, for our ancestors finding a partner may have been more important than finding the right partner. It might be easier to get into relationships than to get back out of them.’

 

 

The 6 Biggest Mistakes People Make Right After Getting Divorced

These mistakes will only make things worse.

The process of healing after a divorce can feel like an insult to injury. You just want to move on and heal your broken heart.

The divorce process stinks. It just does. The hurt, the anger, the loss of seemingly everything: companionship, security, self-esteem.

It’s tough enough trying to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. But, now, you have to fight against being your own worst enemy as you work on getting over it ending.

The inherent challenge of moving on from the end of a relationship is fighting the urge to connect. You build a relationship by striving in all you do to connect more genuinely, more intimately.

To suddenly have that call-to-action ripped out from under you is a real blow. It’s like expecting a moving train to stop on a dime and go back to where it came from.

But, whether or not it is apparent to you now, this time of healing and rebuilding your life after divorce is a time of great potential.

Sure, you didn’t want or plan to be here. But the beauty of life is that it is an equal-opportunity benefactor, and it imbues every situation with opportunities for exponential growth.

If you’re in the process of healing after a divorce (or even a breakup) and feel maddened by the frustrations and temptations, don’t stress. Sometimes the message of “what to do” is more impactful if written as “what not to do.”

You may recognize your own behavior in the following mistakes people make in the aftermath of a divorce.

Absorb the recognition and the lessons as to why those mistakes don’t serve your effort into learning how to get over someone and move on. Trust that everything is falling into place to facilitate your highest good and happiness.

So, if you’re ready to learn how to move on and heal from the heartbreak of divorce, here are the 6 mistakes to avoid.

1. Contacting your ex right after the split

Yes, it’s natural. You’ve been calling and texting your ex all day every day for so long you almost don’t know how not to.

But, now you want to know what your ex is thinking, doing, feeling. You instinctively want to keep tabs, vent your anger, and hear those three-word phrases: “I miss you” and “I love you.”

Rushing to contact your ex only delays your healing after a divorce. It’s like pushing the hold button and keeping the relationship — even in an unhealthy state — alive.

One more day on life support, with no promise of a future.

When you resist the natural urge to contact your ex for anything other than essential business (like your kids), you start healing. You may not feel the healing, but you will be growing stronger from your self-control.

2. Obsessing over your ex’s social media presence

Okay, so, if you can’t make contact directly, why not do it indirectly? Sit in bed with nothing but your smartphone to light up your tear-stained face as you stalk your ex in private.

You head straight to Facebook, Twitter, and/or Instagram, looking for any sign of happiness or despair in your ex’s life. You expand photos and evaluate facial expressions and anyone who might be hiding in the background.

You read all the comment streams to see what your mutual friends know and say. You check to make sure you are still on your ex’s friends list and in his or her old posts and photos.

Just. Keep. Hanging. On.

Surely this isn’t how you see yourself five years from now, so why start now? You have a thousand other social media friends who are cheering you on.

Take the plunge and unfollow/unfriend the one who is no longer central to your life. Set some boundaries and protect yourself from seeing things that will upset you during this vulnerable time.

3. Showing up in all those old, familiar places

Remember that, just as you weren’t the only person in your relationship, you aren’t the only one coping with divorce.

Both of you are drowning in emotions and lifestyle adjustments. Both of you need to find a way to move on. And neither of you will ever achieve that vision of love and happiness by lurking in the shadows of something that will never be.

Granted, you may legitimately bump into one another at some point. But take your ex’s favorite haunts off autopilot and fight the urge to see if they are home by curfew.

You both need space and time for healing after a divorce.

4. “Casually” asking mutual friends about your ex

You want to know. I get it. But chances are you don’t even know what you want to know. Do you want to hear that your ex’s world has fallen apart? That they are miserable without you?

Your curiosity in these early stages of a divorce is usually about putting bandaids on some of your own emotions.

Someday, when you’ve come through all the hurt and you look back on this relationship as a mere stepping stone to happiness, you will understand. And your curiosity will be genuine and grounded in a desire for your ex’s happiness, too.

In the meantime, don’t put your friends on the spot. Your divorce was (and probably still is) hard on them, too.

5. Wallowing in your misery and isolating from the world

You may feel on the outside of all your friendships now that you are single. And if you’d made your ex your whole world, it may have been some time since you were really part of “the group.”

But this is no time to waste away in the corner of your shattered life.

Remember, when you’re healing after a divorce, life sends you nurses in the form of friends. And just as your friends want to be there for you, you need to allow their love to do its work.

Trust that goodness will bring about more goodness. And allow yourself to feel the love.

6. Rushing to get into a new relationship

You may know it with your head, but your heart may not want to hear it. You’re not ready to get into a new relationship when you’re still healing from a divorce.

Feeling lonely isn’t a good enough reason to take the plunge. And no amount of blaming your ex for your problems and breakup is going to give you a good reason, either.

You need this time to grieve your loss and learn from this relationship, not seek to replace it.

It’s also essential that you spend time examining your own role in your relationship. How did you nurture it, and how did you contribute to its erosion?

Rushing to fill the void of love in your life is usually an indication that you don’t want to look at your own responsibility.

Besides, the last thing you need is to get on a dating app and see your ex on there. Trust that you have loved all around you in just the ways that are necessary for your healing and future happiness.

Getting over it ending, moving on, and healing after a divorce can be messy. And, as with a bad cold that gets passed around a home, you may wonder when you will ever feel better.

Sometimes, the best step forward is simply not taking a step backward. If all you do in the early stages is to commit to avoiding the mistakes that only make things worse, you will be making progress.

Trust life to show up for your greater good. And most importantly, trust yourself to recognize when it does. You’ve got this.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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What To Do When You’re Feeling Extra Lonely After Your Divorce

Divorce is hard, but it gets better.

Divorce catapults you into a stormy sea of emotions. Anger, disbelief, and feeling lonely are just a few of the overpowering emotions you experience as you deal with the end of your marriage.

Learning to deal with each of them is critical to your ability to move on, but learning how to deal with loneliness is one of the most difficult.

Dealing with loneliness is especially challenging because it’s a self-perpetuating emotion. It’s not energizing, like anger, so you can’t just work it out of your system by constructively expressing it. And it’s not like disbelief that you can conquer by consistently being presented with facts to the contrary.

Loneliness feeds upon itself. The more you experience it, the greater it becomes and the more difficulty you’ll have trying to conquer it.

Loneliness grows deeper and more profound the more you experience it.

But feeling lonely as you deal with divorce is normal. You’re not really destined to be alone and lonely for the rest of your life, no matter how you feel right now.

“Feel” is a keyword here because loneliness is a feeling. It isn’t a fact. And since it’s a feeling, you can change your feeling by working through it instead of being trapped by it.

Here are 11 tips for how to deal with loneliness so you can move on from your divorce:

1. Connect with others who have also been through a divorce.

Despite how unique your circumstances or how different you feel, there are plenty of people who can easily empathize with your situation — everyone who is going through divorce gets what you’re dealing with. And the quickest ways to find these people are in online divorce communities and in divorce support groups.

2. Get clear about what’s making you feel lonely.

You probably spent time alone when you were married and didn’t feel the same sense of overwhelming loneliness you feel right now. That’s because you’re feeling like there are things missing from your life now that weren’t before.

By coming face-to-face with exactly what’s missing, you’ll be able to start grieving the losses instead of staying stuck in them. And once you start the grieving process, you’ll be gain clarity about how you want to either replace or eliminate what’s missing.

3. Be compassionate with yourself.

Getting through a divorce is tough. Have patience as you find your way through yours. Do little things to pamper yourself every day and be sure to reward yourself for achieving the goals you set.

4. Create a new routine for yourself.

Mourning the loss of a shared routine (like talking about the day’s events with your spouse over dinner) can trigger loneliness. So instead of focusing on the old routine, create a new one for yourself.

5. Disconnect a bit from social media.

You don’t have to go ghost on your friends, but it wouldn’t hurt you to stop using their lives (or your ex’s life) as reasons to feel lonely.

6. Move on from your toxic relationship.

Letting go of your marriage (and what it represented to you) is a process. But the truth is that if it ended, it wasn’t a good relationship for you. And the longer you hold on to it, the more toxic it becomes to you.

7. Practice gratitude.

It is incredibly hard to feel grateful when divorce has ripped (or is ripping) your entire life away from you. But the thing is that as you start to appreciate what you still have and look at the obstacles ahead of you as challenges to overcome, you’ll have conquered one of the keys for learning how to deal with loneliness.

8. Focus on your kids and what they need to deal with the divorce.

Taking care of them will automatically force you to stop ruminating about how lonely you feel because taking care of your kids is a whole lot of work. And as you work to help them, you’ll naturally experience other emotions than loneliness.

9. Choose to learn something.

Learning is a great way to shift your emotions from loneliness to curiosity. You might choose to go back to school to improve your earning potential, or to use your divorce as a reason to pursue personal growth, or even to learn new skills to make your new life easier. (You’ll be surprised at the joy you can feel when you learn how to do things on your own!)

10. Avoid inactivity.

Being inactive or feeling bored is like putting out the welcome mat for loneliness. Instead, make a list of things you can do for fun or to just finally get done. So, the next time inactivity contributes to your loneliness pick an activity and get busy.

11. Talk with someone about your feelings.

Sharing your emotions with a friend or caring professional is great because they’ll often have insight into how to deal with the loneliness that you don’t.

These tips are just the beginning of things you can do as you learn how to deal with loneliness when you divorce. So, experiment with them. One may work better for you today than tomorrow. And try new ideas for breaking through feeling lonely as you discover them.

The more often you can acknowledge your loneliness as emotion and then choose to do something to shift that emotion, the quicker you’ll conquer it and move on from your divorce.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Buy the book, Phicklephilly now available on Amazon!

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Can You Start Dating Before Your Divorce is Finalized?

When Brandon Harder starting dating again, only a few months after asking for a divorce from his wife of 17 years, he wasn’t worried that it was “too soon.”

“There was never a point where I was like, ‘No, no, I must wait and work on all these things,” the 45-year-old father of two tells The Post.

Still, it can be tough to know exactly when to get back out there when splitting from a longtime partner.

After announcing her divorce from husband Liam Hemsworth in August, Miley Cyrus made headlines when pictures of her kissing Kaitlynn Carter surfaced that same day. Carter, who had announced her split from Brody Jenner the week before, continued to date Cyrus until September, when the pop star moved on to then date singer Cody Simpson.

The internet was quick to comment on the speedy timing of Cyrus’ rebounds, especially because her divorce from Hemsworth wasn’t legally finalized.

That same issue gave Harder’s current girlfriend of two years, Sheila Seleri, pause when they first started dating.

“It was always like, ‘Is he serious about this?’ Is he going to go back?’ ” Seleri, 47, says she wondered at the time. “Not because I thought that he loved her, or he couldn’t live without her. It was more to keep the ‘stable environment of a family.’ ”


Even if you’re dating someone legally single, they could still leave you for someone else, she tells The Post.
Dating expert Angela Holton, founder of the Conscious Dating Method, says that dating someone while they are in the process of going through a divorce isn’t riskier than dating them at any other stage of their life.

“Love is risky. Whenever you get into a relationship, you are giving someone permission to hurt you, essentially,” says Holton, 48.

Holton says that dating while divorcing is becoming more common every day.

“We are in a new and unconventional time where there are many different types of relationships, and I think they’re all becoming more embraced,” she says.

She advises the divorcing partner to make it clear to their new fling that their marriage is over. If there’s any doubt that the marriage isn’t completely over, Holton says to pump the brakes in order to avoid potentially participating in an affair.

Harder, 45, says that he made it clear to Seleri when they first got together that his relationship with his ex-wife wasn’t going to be reconciled. He wanted her to understand “that none of the things that I told her about were bogus,” Harder says.

‘Whenever you get into a relationship, you are giving someone permission to hurt you, essentially.’

Because she had the experience of already going through a divorce, Seleri proved to be a huge help to Harder during the process. At times, she even supported him during conversations with his ex. “She was so patient,” Harder, also a scientist, says of Seleri.

Expert Holton says the No. 1 question daters should be asking themselves is: “Are you getting what you truly want out of this partnership?”

Going through a divorce made that question easier for Seleri to answer. She started dating five months after ending her 11-year marriage.

“It was so much easier to know exactly what you don’t want. I think that helped a lot,” she says.

For Harder, dating helped him move on from his difficult marriage. “It was validating and reassuring,” he says.

“It felt good to know that the situation that I was coming from was not normal.”

 

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