10 Signs He Likes You — but Only ‘As a Friend’

You like him, but what if he likes you not?

There’s this totally awesome guy you know and you’re really digging him. You just know that the two of you would make the most perfect couple ever.

If only …

The problem is that you’re starting to suspect this man may not be digging you as more than a friend.

You’re not sure of how to tell if this guy likes you and is a attracted to you but hiding it, or if simply sees you as just a friend or — gulp — one of the guys.

I mean, you’d make the most adorable couple, right?!

But how do you know what he’s thinking without going out on an incredibly delicate limb and straight-up asking him?

You feel pretty close to desperate to find some undeniable signs he’s into you, too, and feels that same spark you feel — or to at least get some clarity that when he looks at you, he sees “friend” stamped all over your forehead.

Here’s how to know if he likes you likes you, or if signs say your crush — (he’s so perfect!) — sees you as “just friends” and not the woman of his dreams.

1. He has all sorts of pet names for you, but …

They’re the wrong kind.

They’re not “baby doll,” or “sweetheart.”

No, they’re “dude,” “yo,” “bro,” or “(your last name).”

2. He rarely calls or texts you first.

You’re doing the heavy lifting for the friendship. He’ll respond if you get in touch, but he doesn’t call “just because.”

3. He doesn’t flirt with you in public.

He may get cute with you when you’re alone together, but when you’re out he shows no signs of flirting.

Unless you’re standing by your best friend, that is. And he’s actually flirting with her.

4. He talks about other women.

He can’t stop telling you about this chick he’s totally digging.

And it’s not because he wants you to feel jealous.

5. He’ll swing by your place …

But only to borrow your Prison Break DVDs and a couple of sodas.

And may some food from the fridge.

6. He looks at his phone more often than he looks at you.

When you’re out alone, he spends half the time texting other people.

And a whole lot of them are other women.

Pretty much all of them are other women.

7. He has a self-imposed curfew.

When you’re out together without his buddies, he’s always got to go home by a specific time.

Even though you know there’s nothing going on at home.

8. He rarely makes plans in advance.

He only commits to hanging out sometimes.

He doesn’t seem to have a burning desire to see you.

9. You seldom go out just the two of you.

When you go somewhere together, it’s almost always with him and the guys.

In fact, you’ve actually earned yourself the nickname “dude with boobs” among the entire crew.

10. He’s totally supportive …

Of you dating other guys.

When he sees other guys hitting on you, he even gives you a high five rather than a jealous stare.

 

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‘JIBING’ Is The New Dating Trend That Will Make Your Next Hook-Up Infidelity Less Awkward

We’d all love to charm each other with minimal awkwardness. Unfortunately, much like smoke and fire, embarrassment is the inevitable flipside to excitement (you are – literally – putting yourself out there, after all).

This in mind there is a smooth new dating trend you need to try (or at least know about) if you want to eek the most out of your 21st-century existence: ‘jibing.’

However, to understand ‘jibing’ you must first understand ‘flatzoning’ – the evil stepbrother of ‘friendzoning.’ What’s that, you ask? As one of our D’Marge employees (who was recently ‘flatzoned’) anonymously admits, it is “the phenomenon of being homeless but f**kable.”

Before you (rightly) crucify us for such glib usage of the word “homeless,” we don’t mean literally living rough, we mean living somewhere you’d rather not be (think: your parents’ basement) but being denied when you apply to live somewhere else on the basis of your attractiveness.

+1 Photos

Instead of finding a flat, you find a friend with benefits, who doesn’t want to live with you because they think it could be awkward to live with someone they might like to date. Hence the term: ‘flatzoning,’ which, when you think about it, is the exact opposite to ‘friendzoning.’

Anyway, this leads into a broader trend of ‘jibing,’ which is the term given to people finding love on apps which are not meant for dating (think Flatmates, Gumtree, Facebook Marketplace, etc.).

To get the down-low on this phenomenon, we spoke to Dr Nikki Goldstein, a sexologist, relationship expert and host of the podcast Sex & Life, who recently had a friend engage in a little ‘jibing’ action herself.

“I have this friend where she was selling furniture on Gumtree and [this guy] rocked up to the door to buy something from her.”

“With these things,” Nikki continues, “the benefit is you already have their number so it takes the awkwardness away from asking for someone’s details.” So even though you might not know this person, you tend to have a smoother interaction with them than you would with a standard Tinder date.

“I think it happens… a lot. These apps and websites that are not meant for meeting people, but you meet people.”

So, how exactly does ‘jibing’ go down? According to Nikki, this is a classic ‘jibing’ scenario: “You don’t know who the person is but then they come to pick up that thing (or check the room) and there’s a connection.”

“The easy part about this is that it’s easier to text them and say, ‘Hey let’s get a drink sometime.’ The harder thing is when you see someone in person these days, think there’s a connection, and then have to ask for their number.”

But back to Nikki’s friend: not only is ‘jibing’ often easier than meeting people in a club or bar, but it can also be more natural than Tinder: “When he rocked up he wasn’t putting on some kind of front – there was no expectation of a date – so in that setting even though you might feel nervous because you like the person, it’s safe to say you’re probably not putting on a mask.”

“On a tinder date, on the other hand, you might not be yourself (and) you might not be chatty because you’ve been thinking about this date for the last few hours.”

When ‘jibing,’ however, “You are in more of a natural state,” Nikki says, “Which is why I think it will work better [than] one of these dates where you’re sitting across from someone with pressure but no inspiration for a conversation.”

To the contrary, when ‘jibing’ you can base your conversation around the room, people, furniture or whatever trade you might be doing, which relieves the pressure: “Say you’re going for a tour of their apartment or spare room, you might be having a conversation about how much it’s going to cost, or the books on the coffee table, their likes and interests,” Nikki says, “and have that banter without the pressure of, ‘What am I going to say next.’”

The last question to consider is this: is now more socially acceptable to meet your partner on Facebook Marketplace than on Tinder or Bumble? Nikki doesn’t necessarily agree, telling us these chance meetings have always happened throughout history, and they now continue to happen, albeit in a different way, facilitated by technology.

And, according to Nikki, this is actually quite an important topic for dating experts to delve into, as many people “are either really struggling with their social skills because they are on their phone all day, or they have blinkers on when it comes to dating in the real world.”

The takeaway? We would say happy swiping but in light of recent developments: happy ‘jibing.’

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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7 Things You Realize After Being in a Toxic Relationship

The hardest part after a breakup is waking up every morning confused about what you are feeling. Being torn between feeling hurt or empty, or both. Sleeping feels like the only way to shut the thousands of pictures and thoughts running through your mind. We look back on our past relationship and realize how happy we once were until it consumed us.

It is where we let our partner do most of the decisions that sometimes don’t benefit the relationship, just them personally.

We become in love with the idea of being with one another, but we forget to consider the consequences that come with it. We forget that cruelty and ignorance is not a normal thing. No matter how badly you were treated before, it’s never an excuse to do the same to other people. As humans, we always choose to believe in someone and forgive them despite feeling hollow in return. Reciprocation is never a big deal to us anymore, as long as we are able to give our best to them without even asking them to do the same thing in return. Anything less or too much is never enough, never just right. Therefore, most relationships fail.

Here are a few things I’ve learned after being in a toxic relationship:

1. The process of moving on and getting back on track is never the friendliest thing you could do to your aching heart but building yourself up again is.

And your future self will thank you for that. It won’t be easy. It might take hundreds of crying nights, consecutive days of breakdowns, and constantly asking yourself what you did wrong that put you in this situation.

2.You will have difficulty with opening yourself up again.

The trauma you’ve been through will be the biggest hindrance while you struggle with opening your heart again. You’ve been hurt so much that you built a wall around your heart in order to be safe. Pushing people away became your new defense mechanism. But remember that it is possible to open up again.

3.Trust is your biggest nemesis.

It’s hard to trust someone again after getting hurt. It makes you believe that all people who come into your life want to hurt you and that they will leave eventually. You will have difficulty with believing again. When someone will try to break your walls and assure you that they won’t hurt you, you won’t believe them. Because you’re used to hearing the same thing. It’ll be hard to trust again but remember that you will.

4.There will be days, not just days but nights of constantly asking yourself where you went wrong.

Overthinking will become your favorite hobby. From noon until midnight, you will have thoughts that continuously haunt you. You will always doubt yourself. You’ll always look back on the tiniest details of your shortcomings. You will ask yourself if you loved too little or too much. You’ll feel as if you didn’t do enough.

5.You’ll always question yourself if you are enough.

Because if you were, how come he didn’t stay? How come you are in a position where you constantly question your worth? But believe your friends when they tell you there’s nothing you did wrong and that you are enough. Because darling, you are. Your worth is never the reflection of his absence. It doesn’t make you less of a person just because they chose someone else over you. It’s never your fault that you were left behind. Because the hurt you are feeling is just a reminder of your ability to endure, and that you can love again. It’ll never be your weakness, it’ll be your greatest strength. Resiliency.

6.There will come a point in your life when all you want to do is to just play around.

It’s like seriousness has gotten out of your vocabulary. This is just a phase. You can date all you want without being in a relationship. It’s okay to seek, try, and discover things. There’s no pressure of being committed but also, never fear it. You’ll know when you’re ready because you’ll feel it. And it’ll take time.

7.Your deepest desire is to have one person who won’t leave you.

This is the hardest thing to take in. When you are used to being neglected, you will feel odd when someone treats you better. Most of the times, you won’t know how to react. You will think that this is just going to turn into another heartbreak because it’s too good to be true. They say chains of habit are too light to be felt until they are heavy enough to be broken. But they never said you won’t be able to. Sometimes, assurance disrupts weariness. But believing and trusting again is a difficult thing to do. So, remember not to fight against it. Instead, embrace it. Because this is exactly where you deserve.

When people tell you that someone will come along and make you believe in love again, trust them. Because someone will come along. But it takes patience. Sometimes, they come when you least expect them to. Or when you’re not ready. But they will come. Don’t allow the person who hurt you to keep a piece of your heart forever. There are things in life we regret doing and spend our time punishing ourselves for. But remember that the greatest thing you can ever do to heal is to forgive. Forgiveness brings clarity, and clarity heals. The things that hurt us feel like a heavy burden on our hearts, but they’re also life lessons. They will teach you and lead you to amazing places. They won’t break you but teach you and make you grow. So never fear growth because it’ll make you who you want to become. The one you always see in the mirror. And that’s the person you are right now.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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15 Physiological Signs Someone Likes You: How Many Do You Notice?

You like someone, but you’re not sure if they feel the same. Don’t listen to words, look for these physiological signs someone likes you instead.

That confusing time when you realize that you actually really like that guy or girl is both exciting and downright terrifying, all rolled into one. You wonder if they like you back because they’re not asking you out directly. And you’re not completely familiar with the physiological signs someone likes you to decode their real intentions. Of course, you want to try and make a move, because let’s face it, you want to move things along! The problem is, what if they don’t feel the same and you’re left red faced and embarrassed?

Oh, the joys of dating!

It’s very easy to listen to words and not really focus on the things people are doing. The problem with that is, people lie. Sorry, it’s true. People also say things to make others feel better. You would be far better not listening to word and instead looking more towards the things they can’t help – their physiological signs.

How to decode the subtle physiological signs someone likes you

If you want to really know if he or she is digging you as much as you’re digging them, it’s time to get medical.

Physiological signs are things you just can’t help, the things you do instinctively without trying. These are are instincts, and you can’t avoid them happening in certain situations.

For example, when you’re in a situation which scares you, you’re going to automatically react in a set way – you’re probably going to become nervous, your heart will race, you might go hot, you might start shaking, etc. This is your survival mechanism, and it has evolved from the days of the rather hairy cavemen and still quite hairy cavewomen. The same can be said for attraction. When we like something or someone, we automatically show physiological signs of attraction.

The 15 most obvious physiological signs someone likes you

If you see just one of these signs, it might be best to wait and see how things develop; if however you’re noticing more than three, that’s a pretty good indicator of the fact they’re into you too!

#1 They smile a lot around you. It’s hard to be sad and frown around someone you really like. You’re automatically going to smile, because you feel joy, and your face simply can’t help itself! In terms of the most obvious physiological signs someone likes you, a constant smile is a pretty good measure.

#2 They often make eye contact, or you notice them staring when you’re not looking. Eye contact is a definite sign of attraction, and if you notice that the guy or girl you’ve got your eye on literally has their eye on you, especially when they think you’re not looking, you can pretty much put it down as a definite ‘yes.’

#3 Or, they can’t look at you. Confusing, right? Some people are a little shy naturally, or they might suddenly become shy around the people they like. If you’re noticing that he or she looks at you and then quickly looks away, perhaps like they’ve been caught doing something they shouldn’t, that’s of the clearer physiological signs someone likes you too! It depends on the person and the way they react to what is a slightly embarrassing situation.

#4 They display open body language … or it might be closed. Yet another complete confusing contradiction is the subject of body language. Generally speaking, if someone likes you and wants you to know about it, their body language will be open and not at all defensive. This could mean that their arms are by their sides, and not over their body, their shoulders are where they should be and not hunched up out of stress, and they look generally quite relaxed around you.

On the flip side, some people *shy types again* may actually display very closed body language around you for no real reason; this means they may cross their arms over their body as the main example. The best way to figure it out is to see if they do the same thing with anyone else and that should give you your answer.

#5 Their body is angled towards you. We tend to unknowingly lean towards the things we like, so if you’re noticing that his or her body is angled towards you, and not away from you, that’s a pretty clear sign too. Even if someone is showing closed body language out of shyness, they will probably still lean into you a little. This won’t be a move that looks forced, it will also be quite subtle, but it’s definitely there.

#6 Their cheeks are flushed. One of the clearest physiological signs that someone likes you is flushed cheeks. It’s not particularly hot, but they’re certainly going a little pink! The reason for this is thought to be the release of adrenaline, which causes an increase in blood flow. As a result, you get that pink tinge to your cheeks!

#7 They might be shaking slightly. Isn’t it great when your mere presence causes someone to lose all control and start shaking a little! Take it as a compliment, because if you see someone with flushed cheeks who has the slight shakes, it’s a very clear sign that they’re crushing on you!

#8 They stumble over their words. If someone is stumbling over their words around you and they normally don’t have an issue with it, it’s a clear sign you either terrify them or they like you! Hopefully it’s the latter.

#9 They fidget a lot. Another common physiological sign someone likes you is fidgeting. This can be messing with their hair, touching their neck, tugging on their lip, pulling on their sleeves; it can basically be any type of fidgeting motion which they wouldn’t normally do.

#10 Their pupils dilate. Okay, you’re going to have to look pretty closely to see if this is happening, but when we like someone, our pupils get larger in size. This can also be a reaction to light, so if you’re in a pretty dark environment, don’t take this is as a certain sign, but if it’s in conjunction with other signs and it’s a normal lighting kind of situation, you’re in there!

#11 They mirror your posture. The same kind of thing as leaning into you, when we like someone, we tend to mirror their posture and movements to a small degree. If he or she is standing in a similar way to you, that could be a clear sign.

#12 They have a strong posture. This is more likely to be a man, but it can sometimes be a woman too. In this case, the posture is strong, because they’re trying to impress you with their strength, and in this case, manliness. A woman could be doing it to exude confidence.

#13 Their heart is beating faster. Again, pretty difficult to identify unless you get very close, but if someone likes you, their heart is likely to beat a little faster when you’re around. Look at their neck if you get the chance, can you visibly see their pulse? You might also notice they’re a little breathless as a result.

#14 They might be a little hot or sweaty. Attractive, right? If you’re noticing that he or she seems a little hotter than is necessary, it could be a clear sign that they’re feeling hot under the collar due to your presence in the room!

#15 They’re instinctively protective over you. Exhibiting protective behavior is another sign that someone likes you, because we tend to want to protect those we care about. This could be sticking up for you verbally, either when you’re around or not around, or it could be stepping into a fight. Either way, it’s a good sign.

Remember, just one or two doesn’t really tell you a huge amount, but more than three, especially when they don’t do it in anyone else’s presence and you’ve got a very clear answer coming your way!

These are 15 very clear physiological signs someone likes you. The next time you’re around that person that you’re so curious about, see how many you can tick off the list.

 

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33 People Told Us Why They Fell Out Of Love With Their Significant Other And It’s Pretty Sad

We recently asked the Phicklephilly Community to tell us about the moment they realized they were falling out of love with their significant other and the stories were absolutely heartbreaking.

Grab the tissues because things are about to get real emotional:

“After my sister’s burial service, he left me to go home and play video games. I was all by myself talking to all these people when I needed him the most, because it was the worst day of my life.”

“I noticed I was falling out of love when everything she did started to annoy me. It felt like I couldn’t stand her. I missed the honeymoon phase. I moved away that year and we didn’t talk for months. Eventually we just didn’t care anymore and broke up.”

“When my ex-husband kept threatening to walk out the door and not one piece of me wanted him to stay.”

“I would fall asleep next to him and just feel incredibly alone. Sharing a bed should be intimate and comforting, but it just made me feel depressed and isolated.”

“She kept telling me about her problems and I had to listen all the time and be compassionate. When I tried to tell her how I felt about being bullied at school, she told me I was overreacting, and that bullying was “no big deal.” I should have broken up with her sooner.”

“My ex of six years was talking about future plans and I remember feeling my stomach drop. With that simple statement, I remember the feeling of depression hit me so quickly. I will never forget the feeling of sadness that took over me.”

“My ex-husband was emotionally abusive and I had caught him several times having inappropriate conversations online with both men and women, in which he referred to me as his roommate. Come to find out he had been doing it our entire 3-year relationship. That morning I woke up and was just done.”

“My ex-boyfriend and I met while working on a cruise ship and we kept a long-distance relationship for 9 months. Weeks before we were supposed to work on a new ship together he told me he had to go on a different ship. I was able to switch to his ship, but when I arrived he had already switched to another ship. At that moment, I just realized he didn’t want to fight for our relationship. I gave up and got drunk with my now-fiancé.”

“I kept finding things that were clearly evidence of cheating and lying, then convinced myself there was a way we’d work past it together. He blamed me for what he’d been doing, and any resolutions to it would be mine to work on alone. I asked him to leave before he even finished what he had to say, and haven’t looked back.”

“We just ended up growing in different directions, I realized I didn’t want the same things anymore. My values and interests changed, my maturity grew…but he stayed the same.”

“Where do I start? He called my niece fat (she’s 5) and he basically told me he wouldn’t be with me unless I used my engineering degree. Ultimately, he just loved the idea of what I COULD be, not actually who I WANT to be.”

“After my friend died of suicide, my ex told me he did it for attention. Then I realized how shitty of a person he was.”

“When one of my dogs died out of the blue, it sent me into a huge depression that I’m still recovering from almost 2 years later. The first time I left the house I threw up and had to come right back home. Then I went to see my boyfriend and he kept kissing me seductively. Honestly, it disgusted me. It took so much for me to even talk to him. At that moment I thought, either this guy is completely unaware of my feelings and who I am or he’s just a selfish dick who has no empathy.”

“It was when he accused me of having alcohol problems in public. I felt sad because he was projecting onto me. He is an an alcoholic who has been through rehab for his problems. I realized the man I had once loved was buried in his own mire of self pitying filth, so I let him go.”

“When I found his Ashley Madison account.”

“It was a year into our relationship when he told me he gambled away his one month paycheck. I didn’t think anything of it at first, but it happened again five more times. I just got exhausted with the excuses and I realized that he was a gambling addict. The worse part, he didn’t want professional help.”

“I feel bad about it because he had high functioning autism, but the amount of time he’d spend on his phone or Nintendo when we were hanging out. It would be difficult to converse with him sometimes because he’d be so wrapped up in video games. The lowest point was when I was feeling down about something, he gave me a hug and I realized he was still playing his Nintendo while he had his arms around me.”

“When I realized that I was putting in 10 times the amount of effort that they were. But what really broke it was hearing them say they didn’t love me.”

“When we were shopping with his mum and sister, and the three of us were playfully mocking him. He just lost it; he screamed at me and then took his sharp thumbnail and ran it down my badly sunburnt arm, making it bleed.”

“When I started making excuses not to see him. I realized I was happier spending time by myself. Having him over started to feel like an obligation. I did love him, but I was no longer in love with him.”

“His father was aggressively rude, and blatantly tried to make me uncomfortable. For example, he made multiple comments about my cup size, and asked how much my family was worth. It was clear that his family wasn’t interested in adding me to the next holiday photo. It became hard for me to see a future with him after that experience.”

“We had a pregnancy scare and I realized I truly did not want to be connected for life to my boyfriend. It took a while to end after that, but that was my first real inkling that I didn’t love him.”

“I realized I wasn’t in love when I would feel drained after spending time with her. I didn’t even want to admit it to myself, because I felt so ashamed. That was my first and only relationship, but at least it was a lesson as to what being with someone SHOULDN’T feel like.”

“I fell out of love with him after we finished our family and I saw him as a father. Three beautiful sons in four years, and he couldn’t be bothered to play with them or do things with us as a family. I could never get over the fact that he obviously did not love our children as they deserved to be loved.”

“When I realized that he didn’t really listen to me. He had some made-up idealized version of me built up in his head that he put up on a pedestal, and it just wasn’t who I truly was.”

“We were together for two years, lived together, and had a cat together. We worked at the same restaurant and he ended up getting fired and had no motivation to find another job. He began stealing money from me, playing Fortnite all day, while I cleaned up the apartment and did his laundry.”

“I realized when I couldn’t go where I wanted or hang out with my friends without him that he was a toxic drain on my life. I felt like a prisoner.”

“I knew I didn’t love him anymore when I found out he’d cheated on me, and I didn’t even feel sad about it. I was relieved that I finally had an excuse to break up with him.”

“I got a pixie cut and he told me he wasn’t sexually attracted to me anymore. My feelings for him vanished that day. Been happily single for almost two years now.”

“Probably when she couldn’t remember my birthday one year into the relationship. She did not know anything about me, beyond my Netflix password and what I’m like in bed.”

“I realized she agreed with everything I said. I thought about it and realized she ALWAYS agreed with everything I said. So, I changed it up and started saying the exact opposite of what I thought, and she agreed with that, too! We broke up a few days later because I need someone who has their own opinions and isn’t afraid to challenge me when they disagree.”

“When saying, “I love you,” felt like an obligation. There was no feeling behind it anymore.”

“He was talking about how hard his day was and when I tried to jump in he said, ‘Yeah, but you just draw pictures on the computer.’ I’m a graphic designer.”

If you’ve experienced falling out of love with your significant other, we’d love to hear about it in the comments below.

 

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Girl asks notorious photoshopper to make her look ‘skinny’ and ‘pretty.’ His response goes viral

Photoshop wizard James Fridman is known for using his incredible graphic design talents to brilliantly troll the people who request his services. It’s not that he doesn’t follow their directions—in fact, he often follows them quite literally. But the end result is rarely exactly what the requester had in mind.

Exhibit A:

James Fridman

Exhibit B:

James Fridman

Exhibit C:

James Fridman

But though Fridman’s end results are often hilarious, he ultimately likes to use his powers for good and to teach people a lesson about a larger social issue. Recently, he received a request from a girl who has struggled with her weight for years. The request reads:

Hey James! Love your work! Your hilarious! And knowing you, you probably won’t do this and I know you get this message A LOT but here goes. Ok. So I’ve struggled with my weight ever since I was like…what 7? I’ve tried everything to lose weight too! I’ve done sports, ate healthy, exercises, took pills. LEGIT. EVERYTHING. but I still remain..um fat. Please just make me skinny for once it would be a huge favor! I just want to see what I would look like if I was pretty! Thanks! ❤

Clearly she had a sense right off the bat that his response would not be to shrink her body to the size of a Kardashian who funnels millions into a personal trainer and subsists off laxative tea and dry cereal. And she was correct. But instead of using his photoshop skills to transform her into something funny, he used his platform to drop some knowledge, and returned her photo exactly as is. Here was his response:

James Fridman

“Skinny doesn’t necessarily mean pretty,” he wrote. “Don’t let the struggle of trying to lose weight take the fun out of your life. Stay active, eat healthy and let yourself be happy just the way you are.”

That may be the best “weight loss” advice I’ve ever read; it’s no wonder the tweet went viral with over 55,000 likes and counting. And in a rare twist, the internet has responded with kindness for once:

Gardenwife
Pretty? She’s beautiful!

hails
You’re a beautiful human for doing this and she is a beautiful girl!!!

Cheryl Mitchell
truer words, James. She has a lovely smile and her warmth and kindness shines through.

Turns out, this guy’s wizardry skills extend beyond manipulating images. He could strike up a successful side hustle as a personal fitness guru or therapist. Twitter agrees.

Freyjinn
James is the therapist we don’t deserve

LoolerMeister
But he is the therapist we need

But let’s hope he never stops photoshopping. Because the world needs this brilliance:

James Fridman

And this:

James Fridman

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I’m a bartender who’s witnessed countless first dates — here are all the things you’re doing wrong

  • As a bartender, I’ve witnessed countless first dates play out in front of me.
  • I’ve come to learn several mistakes people make on their first dates, like getting too drunk, underdressing, or not having enough money to cover the bill.
  • Here are the biggest mistakes I see people make on first dates at bars.

Something a world-famous bartender recently said on bars and dating culture stuck with me.

Jim Meehan, the author of “Meehan’s Bartender Manual,” said that in the early years of his career, bars weren’t where people went on dates, but where they went to find dates.

Nowadays, online dating has changed the game. And as a bartender in the age of dating apps, I’m grateful that I’m spared the horror of seeing real-life Tinder swiping in front of my eyes.

But one painful ritual I’m frequently audience to is the cringeworthy first date. I’ve witnessed countless first dates play out from behind the bar, and I’ve gotten a sense of what works and what doesn’t from both parties.

These are the worst and most frequent mistakes I see people making, and what they could be doing better.

Know the kind of bar you’re going to.

Know the kind of bar you're going to.Nathan Klima for The Boston Globe via Getty Images

Because of apps, most of us go in relatively blind to first dates — we haven’t met our match in real life.

But that doesn’t mean you should go in blind to the bar too. You don’t have to be the person who didn’t make a reservation, or is overdressed or underdressed, or isn’t ready for the sticker shock of the menu. I’ve seen all of the above, and other than being small-talk fodder for the date, it’s not a good look.

Scout a place on a day before the date. Make sure you know things like the likelihood of a wait, or if the atmosphere is entirely too romantic, or too loud to hold a conversation.

But be cautious of overfamiliarity.

But be cautious of overfamiliarity.Reuters/Bernadett Szabo

It’s also funny to me when people take different dates, week after week, to my same bar.

We bartenders won’t do it on purpose, but you are running the risk of having us inadvertently reveal your penchant for dating around, which also might not be a good look.

“Hey there. Same as last week? Old-fashioned for you and a Bee’s Knees for the lady?”

In my effort to flex my ability to remember your face and drink order, it’s not uncommon to accidentally reveal you were here last week with someone else — someone who in this case apparently likes to drink a Bee’s Knees.

Check your card balance beforehand.

Check your card balance beforehand.Shutterstock/svershinsky

Always check your card balance before you go out to make sure you have enough to cover your bill. Or if you’re out of town, make sure your bank won’t lock out your card for security reasons.

I always try to be discreet if I can tell someone is on a date when their card is declined, but if you don’t have cash or another viable card, that date you intended to treat may end up footing the bill. Awkward.

For goodness sake, tip 20%.

Always tip your bartender 20%. No matter how the service was. Every time. Whether you’re on a date or not. But especially on a first date.

Because even if waiting tables or making drinks isn’t your date’s current profession, you never know whether they were a former service-industry worker and will be sensitive to the issue.

I can almost guarantee they’re going to check to see how much you tipped. And a good tip will show them you acknowledge the hard work that goes into a service-industry job, which usually comes with a base rate below the minimum wage.

A tip higher than 20% would be, ahem, uber-classy and demonstrate generosity.

And if you know that your date has worked as a bartender and still don’t intend to tip 20%, just stay home.

Side note: If a customer gives me their phone number while I’m bartending but tips less than 20%, I’m immediately throwing it away.

Don’t get wasted.

Don't get wasted.Craig Barritt/Getty Images for Garden & Gun

This one probably speaks for itself.

I remember a gentleman once showing up early at the bar for his date. He pounded two double vodka sodas by himself. He pounded another double vodka soda when his date left, after an awkward hour of squinting, swaying, and not saying too much.

It’s also pretty awkward to get cut off by the bartender on a date with someone new, as happened to me just a few weeks ago. After balking and accusing me of simply not wanting to serve him, the young man — yes, it’s usually the men over-imbibing — left a one-star Yelp review about it.

I imagine that being cut off in front of your date is less embarrassing than falling down the stairs at a three-story bar, so I maintain that I was helping him in the long run.

When it comes to conversational faux pas, oversharing is a big one.

When it comes to conversational faux pas, oversharing is a big one.Chris Hondros/Getty

I’ve seen more than one dater’s eyes glaze over as their date regurgitates a spectrum of emotions on topics relating to their exes, drug use, daddy and mommy issues — the list goes on.

It’s one thing to have a back-and-forth where you’ve connected on deeper, emotional topics on a first date, but when it’s a monologue, it’s like watching a therapy session — a really awkward therapy session.

Daters often have go-to topics, like travel and television, but miss cues that their date doesn’t care.

Daters often have go-to topics, like travel and television, but miss cues that their date doesn't care.NBC

Even traditionally “safe” topics, like travel, can go awry when daters use it as a conversational crutch.

From polling other bartenders, I can say the television show most heavily abused as a first-date conversation topic that goes absolutely nowhere is “The Office.”

So if your conversation is going this way: “Have you seen ‘The Office’? No? Well, there’s this scene where …” Stop at the word “no.” Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

A lot of conversational topics are fine with a good mix of questions. But some daters I see are like trial lawyers: They cross-examine their date.

A lot of conversational topics are fine with a good mix of questions. But some daters I see are like trial lawyers: They cross-examine their date.Getty Images

I’ve seen a lot of dates become deeply uncomfortable because they start to resemble a job interview.

Often, the questions are too probing and invasive.

If you’re trying to figure out your date’s marriage goals, bank account, and family disease history on the first date, you probably won’t get a second.

Don’t bring up your conspiracy theories on a first date.

Just don’t.

Or maybe do. They’re loads of fun for me to hear.

The best so far was a guy on a first date revealing he believed that “the moon is a man-made construct” — a serious level-up from the “we faked the moon landing” theory. Not as good as the “moon is made of cheese” hypothesis though.

Don’t misrepresent your physical appearance.

Don't misrepresent your physical appearance.Reuters/Jonathan Alcorn

I remember one incident where a guy was so freaked out by something that as soon as his date went to the bathroom, he had to tell the bartender I was working with: He thought his date looked great, but her dating-profile pictures must have been at least 15 years old.

People may be judgmental jerks about your appearance. But some won’t be. Misrepresenting yourself, on the other hand, perturbs everyone.

Don’t mansplain things to the bartender to try to be impressive.

Don't mansplain things to the bartender to try to be impressive.REUTERS/Marko Djurica

I think it’s a good thing when a couple on a date can make good conversation with the bartender. People reasonably make character judgments about others based on how they treat those serving them. Warm conversation can go far.

But men in particular are enormous offenders of bad bar chatter with the bartender on dates.

Sharing an enthusiasm for spirits, asking questions, and even sharing some information is fine. Giving condescending sermons on things I already know, like the difference between bourbon and rye, do not impress me and do not impress your date.

Likewise, don’t order an overly complicated drink to flex on your date.

Likewise, don't order an overly complicated drink to flex on your date.Michael Loccisano/Getty Images

The look I will give you while I make your Ramos Gin Fizz — an eight-ingredient cocktail that requires so much shaking that some bars just use a blender instead — will indicate to your date that you are a bona fide jerk.

Especially if I can tell you ordered one in an attempt to seem impressive.

Don’t act accosted by small grievances.

Don't act accosted by small grievances.Getty Images

Any time I’ve been serving or bartending and a dater bickered over trivial bill errors (that often weren’t actually errors), I usually notice a curled-lip response from their date.

You don’t look assertive. You look cheap and petty.

Likewise, don’t send back a drink when it’s not exactly to your liking. Suck it up.

And men especially, don’t act so affronted by a “girly” drink.

And men especially, don't act so affronted by a AP/Chris Pizzello/Invision

Don’t insist that I pour a cocktail meant for a stemmed coupe into a rocks glass in front of your date.

Plus, as I have in the past, I will make the next drink three times as effeminate just to make you reveal your fragile masculinity all over again.

Finally, if you insist on doing any of the above, don’t sit in front of me.

Finally, if you insist on doing any of the above, don't sit in front of me.Sarah Jacobs

Please, spare your bartender. We aren’t like servers. We’re stuck in front of our well.

And you always seem to insist on sitting right in front of us.

Sure, witnessing the schadenfreude can be entertainment. But it’s mostly just cringeworthy.

 

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