California Dreamin’ – 1982 to 1984 – Crazy Eyes

Here we were living in Santa Monica, and living the dream. Just a bunch of poor musicians having the time of our lives.

I was at a party at a friend’s place. One of his friends had been flirting with me all night, but it wasn’t normal flirting — she wouldn’t say a word to me. She’d only touch me and giggle as I walked by. Towards the end of the party, she took my hand and quietly led me to her room, which has a bed and just a bunch of clothes everywhere. Less than sixty seconds into making out, she started to go down on me. Which I accepted. I realized how creepy and weird the situation had been to that point, but it was head. What nineteen year-old dude turns down oral?

She finished up, and put her head on my chest to rest. At that point, I was thinking this girl was loony tunes, but I didn’t want to be an ass, so I began to reciprocate. But she grabbed my hand and stopped me, and said, “Sorry, I have a boyfriend and I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that.” I looked at her totally dumbstruck. She must have misinterpreted my dropped jaw to mean that I was hurt, because she immediately came back with, “But it was really nice sucking your cock.” These were the first words she’d said to me all night.

So we were both quite high, we decided to head back to my place. Everything seemed normal. She finally decides to get it on with me. Sex was good and then we got to talking. Since we’re both high, we started talking about death and what happens to your body after you die and she asks me whether I have ever thought about killing anyone. I could sense a creepy story coming my way and just shook my head.

She then proceeded to narrate how she has always thought about killing someone by suffocating them, with a pillow. And since we were on the bed, there were 2 pillows around us and of course, I was majorly creeped out. She was looking at me with the crazy eyes and I was so confident that I wouldn’t see the sun rise the next day. I turned around and pretended to sleep. After a couple of hours, she left without saying a thing.”

 

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California Dreamin’ -1982 to 1984 – Dariella – Into Darkness

Let me preface this by saying that I’m no prince charming, but even I have limits. I met Dariella one night after a show at Madam Wong’s West in Santa Monica, and she seemed interesting and metal. Naturally I wanted to see her again.

The First Date:

I found out she doesn’t drive, which isn’t a problem. I also found out that she lived down in Long Beach, not great, but I wanted to spend time with her so I took the drive to pick her up. When I arrived I also found out she lived with her parents, and was unemployed, again, see seemed great so I decided it wasn’t a big deal. We went to one of the local haunts to get some food and get to know one another better. That’s when I found out she was a part time Dom in a local dungeon. Okay to each their own, people have different tastes. Everything else during the date went smoothly. She was hot and exotic. The night ended and I drove her home.

The Second Date:

She wanted to go to this great bar that she knew about. I was all for it, something new. It turned out to be a really seedy dive bar. It was like something out of a movie. Everybody knew her, and she even had some family there. She proceeded to get wasted while I took in the sights and got to know the people. There was an old Hell’s Angel that told me about his youth, and how he was the king of the skating rink back in the day. I got to see a midget line dance to Copper Head Road. My date ran into a friend she’d met in county lockup. (Nice) All in all, it wasn’t too bad. I really enjoyed the place more than spending time with her though. She ran up a HUGE bar tab while we were there and expected me to pay which wasn’t really cool.

The Third Date:

Back to the bar! This time I brought the guys from the band and a few of my friends along. Everyone loved the place. Crazy group of people that looked like, rockers, punks, goths, hookers, bikers, and hippies. It was nuts. But things took an odd turn on the way to the van to drop off my date and her cousin. Her cousin stops and makes a comment about having just about the right amount of people for an orgy. My date replied that it wouldn’t be the first time. What did her cousin think she did at all those parties she went to? The level of crazy just went way up. Her cousin was smokin’ hot too, so we went back in the bar and put it to the group. Everybody was down, so off we went back to somebody’s house.

Sadly, phicklephilly is a dating blog, not a sex blog so I can’t go into all of the details of the orgy back at her cousin’s house. But it was insane and my first one!

Here’s and excerpt of a conversation I later had with my buddy, bassist, Frank.

Me: “That shit was crazy, right?”

Frank: “Fuck sake, mate. Remember the one I was with?”

Me: “Dariella’s hot cousin or that chick with that Bow Wow Wow Mohawk?”

Frank: “Mohawk.”

Me: “Okay.”

Frank: “After I gave it to her she said she’d been smoking meth with her boyfriend earlier that day.”

Me: “That’s fucked up.”

Frank: “And she said how she hoped she wasn’t pregnant!”

Me: “By you or her boyfriend?”

Frank: Fuck sake, I wore a sweater with her, thank fuck!” (condom) But that’s not the worst part.”

Me: “What?”

Frank: “She stole like $80 out of my wallet!”

Me: “I told you that chick was a hooker!”

 

Sadly, that was the last time I went out with Dariella. I think the band was all to weirded out by what had happened.

I miss that bar though.

 

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California Dreamin’ – 1982 to 1984 – Attempted Kidnapping

“One night me and the guys in the band were out at a party at a friend’s place in Venice. It was right after I’d had a fight with my then-girlfriend Clio and I was drinking kind of heavily (I’ve always been able to hold my own, but I was drinking a lot and fast).

This one girl was constantly around me all night and I was warned by a couple people that she was going to hit on me. Whatever, I can deal with it. She was flirting with me a little bit and I made sure to add in my girlfriend to the conversation topic so there was no misunderstanding. Didn’t matter. Every time I went to talk to someone else I would feel a small butt grab, and when I looked around she was backing up giggling. Once it started getting not-so-lightly I straight up told her to stop, I had a girlfriend. (See? even back then I was loyal!)

Anyway, later in the night when I was significantly drunk I was sitting down on a chair while most people were off in another room doing something else. Well she comes in and I guess decides this is the perfect chance. She sits on my lap and starts trying to kiss me and every time I move away she bites my neck. She starts to grab at my crotch too, and even after I hit her hand away it goes right back (remember I’m significantly drunk so not all my coordination is all there).

The last thing I remember is trying to get up to get her off my lap and then I wake up the next morning in a friend of mine’s room on the floor (one of the hosts). I walk out and ask her what happened and she told me the girl was trying to walk me out of the door, telling the others she was just taking me back to ‘take care of me’ at her apartment. My friend said no dice and locked me in her room (while checking on me relatively often) so that the girl couldn’t sneak in and try anything. The girl apparently got very upset when this happened and stormed out.

It’s always nice when your friends have got your back.

 

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California Dreamin’ – 1982 to 1984 – Celia – Entitled

“I was going to have a second date with this girl Celia. She knew of three parties happening on the same night, so she suggested that we hit all three. Sounded good to me, so off we go.

At party one, her best friend from college is there that she hasn’t seen in four years. They immediately run off together, and I’m left with the friend’s boyfriend having a drink. I think to myself, this is no big deal. She hasn’t seen her friend in a long time, and the night has a lot more to go. She comes back after a while and suggests we head on to the other party. Great!

Arrive at second party. My date immediately runs off with some other friends. Like, “Tim, oh my god, how are you doing,” and dashes across the party to find him. I slowly follow behind, but then they keep scurrying on to talk to other people without the girl making it clear that she wanted me to come. I feel really awkward because she doesn’t introduce me or say anything about me. I’m just an awkward guy there that no one knows. I get tired of that and go to the bathroom, where I find that the door has been ripped off its hinges. I find a screwdriver and fix the door before using the bathroom. Fast forward 30 minutes, my date finds me and suggests we go to the final party. But this time, her friend Tim is going to join us. Okay…

Arrive at third party. As soon as we walk in the door, Tim says he needs cigarettes, and the girl and Tim run out for cigarettes and leave me at this new party with all these other people I don’t know. They are gone for 45 minutes, by which time I decide that this date isn’t working out and I should just go home. When my date comes back with cigarettes, I tell her I’m leaving and she FLIPS OUT. She starts screaming at me in front of everyone about how she was going to have sex with me later and how I ruined everything. Then she proceeds to scream, “you’re not leaving me; I’m leaving you,” after which she bolts out and slams the door.

Then everyone at this other party, whom I don’t know, is staring at me while my date, who brought me there, has abandoned me.

Someone eventually comes and offers me a drink. I stay for another hour and laugh it off with the people at the party. I ended up having a pretty good time!

 

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California Dreamin’ – 1982 to 1984 – Gabrielle – A Real Date?

I was at an outdoor music festival I saw this girl that my friend John worked with, and standing next to her was this gorgeous brunette girl. When I got home I called John and asked him if he knew she was. John said that it was his friend Gabrielle, and that she was single. He offered to give him my number. I was thrilled.

I called Gabrielle and told her who I was and since she was friends with John, she’d meet me. This chick was smokin’ hot so I wanted to take her on a real date, because in L.A. those are few and far between. We made plans to grab drinks at one of my favorite bar/restaurants in Studio City.

“We met up, and it was sadly awkward from the beginning. Her nonchalant, ‘I could care less if I was on a date’ attitude was bothersome. We walked through a residential area to the bar and talking to her was like pulling teeth. (Which almost never happens to me) Every question I asked was met with one-word answers and she really didn’t seem that interested in me. After one drink I was ready to get the hell out of there, she kind of gave me the feeling like she was over the interaction. Maybe she saw me and just wasn’t interested, which was okay with me. I get it. I was cute back then but this babe was model hot and maybe just not into me.

“She was walking me back to my van and as we turn on the street I was parked on, she grabs me and kisses me.

Out of nowhere.

Honestly, I think she and I were on separate dates because she seemed to think it was going SO WELL that a movie moment was necessary. I was so confused, but it also wasn’t the worst kiss, so I participated. After a few minutes of a high-school-esque make out session, she pulls away and says,

“‘I’m dangerous.’

“‘Um, ok?’ I grabbed my keys and began to walk to my van. She says behind me:

“‘I’m no good for you. You shouldn’t be near me.’

“‘I’M SORRY, WHAT?’

“It should be said that this girl was about 5′ 3”. She didn’t come across as dangerous, and I was just baffled by her behavior.  It was just her demeanor, like she needed me to know she was ‘dangerous’ and she wanted me to like that he was ‘dangerous.’

“I walked to my van, got in, drove away, and went home.

A week or so later I’m at a barbecue in Mar Vista and I see John. I’m telling him the story and he starts laughing a few others start cracking up as well.

“What’s so funny about that?”

“Dude. Gabrielle is an actress. it sounds like your ‘date’ was used for ‘method acting’ for a role. Now I don’t know if she actually wanted to go on a date, or if I just popped up on her radar at the right time. I also don’t know how truly dangerous she is, but if you ask her, she’d probably say ‘Very dangerous.”

“Oh, for fucks sake!”

Only in L.A.

But what a beauty…

 

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California Dreamin’ – 1982 to 1984 – Saffron – Down with the Sickness

Met Saffron at a the restaurant where I worked. She seemed relatively normal from our conversations, and she was very cute.

I try to set up plans to go see a movie, and she can’t/won’t make up her mind about what to see/when to go. Then she calls me and sounds a little funny. As if her voice was hoarse. She says “I normally don’t sound like this I yelled a lot at work today.” Something was up.

We finally agree on plans. I go pick her up to go see The Dark Crystal. She gets in the car and we start talking and it’s clear to me that she didn’t give me the whole story. Her voice did indeed sound somewhat odd. In addition, I began to notice certain ticks/movements as well. After the 10 minute drive to the theater I began to wonder what she hadn’t told me.

We walk into the theater and I realize a few more things. She had somewhat awkward gait, and had trouble with keeping normal distance from me. She either got super close or super far away as we walked and talked.

At this point I begin to wonder if perhaps she has Aspergers or another health issue, but keep it to myself.

Despite all of this I was still having a good time; we got along well and went to see the movie.

Here’s where the trouble begins:

About an hour into the movie she goes to the bathroom. I check my watch and realize that she’s been gone for over 10 minutes. No big deal, maybe she got food or didn’t feel well.

She comes back 15 minutes later and said she bought water and felt a little sick. Hint #4. I asked her multiple times if she was ok/wanted to leave. She said, “I’m fine, my cousin was sick maybe I caught a bug from her.”

Cut to about 45 minutes left in the movie; she starts to make faces as if she doesn’t feel good. I ask again multiple times if she is ok; she insists she is.

I suggest that she goes to bathroom in case she has to throw up. She says no.

A minute later SHE THROWS UP ALL OVER THE PLACE. COVERS THE ENTIRE FLOOR IN FRONT OF HER AND THREE SEATS TO THE LEFT ALL THE WAY TO AISLE. IT WAS LIKE A MOVIE SCENE, I COULDN’T BELIEVE HOW MUCH ONE PERSON COULD THROW UP.

I’m shaken obviously so I climb up a row and go to get help from the theater workers. On the way out of the theater I have to stop short as I round the corner…

WHY?

BECAUSE THERE WERE TWO GIANT PUDDLES OF VOMIT IN THE HALLWAY!! HER “BATHROOM” TRIP WAS ACTUALLY AN “I’M GONNA THROW UP ON THE FLOOR, LEAVE IT, AND RETURN TO MY DATE LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.”

So yea, that was a bad date I guess. Plus I never saw the end of the movie. I took the poor girl home. I felt so bad for her. I’ve had stomach disorders my whole life so I could identify with her. I think she was so mortified and embarrassed by the incident we never went out again because I don’t think she could face me. Poor girl. She was so cute!

 

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California Dreamin’ – 1982 to 1984 – Shira – Persian Beauty

“…Her brown body, drenched in sweat as she rode me like a stolen horse.”

Oh… this one takes me back. I love this story!

(This post is not safe for work! NSFW! You’ve been warned!)

I was living in Santa Monica, playing in a band back in ’82 just living the rock n’ roll dream. I was working at that time as a busboy at a place called Cafe Casino in Wilshire Palisades in Santa Monica. Shira came in a few times to dine with her friends. Because of all of the shit at that time in Iran with the Shah, we had a lot of Persian people immigrating to America. Mostly California. If you look back in history, you’ll see that’s how the Kardashians got here.

I was a guitarist in a struggling band and a lowly busboy by day and flirted with Shira when she came in. I guess she liked my long blonde hair and fresh face and took a shine to me. She lived up in Brentwood which isn’t too far from me, but far enough way to be exclusive. We chatted a bit and exchanged numbers. I liked that she was dark, foreign and different from the usual girls I dated.

She and her girlfriends came out to see our band but nothing ever came out of it. She was lovely but I think I was just distracted from all the fleas and ticks of rock and roll at the time in early eighties Los Angeles.

One night we actually talked for six hours on the phone (9pm-3am) and she invited me to her house the next day for dinner to see if we liked each other in person. I agreed to go over. I was so naive back then.

So I go there and as soon as I walk in the door, she sniffs me and says “Last night on the phone, I just wanted to inhale you through the line”

And I was like “Yeah, we got on pretty well.”

“Is this your own place?

It is, Chaz

(Yes!)

She looks smoking hot and middle eastern sultry and I’m down for whatever. I just think she’s really pretty. I don’t know any better. She’s wearing a light blue blouse and really small white shorts and high heel sandals. Her long caramel legs are making me crazy. I’m 19 years old and this is all new ground for the boy I once was. She’s absolutely lovely and exotic. I don’t know any girls like her back home.

So we sit on the sofa, have a drink and are talking a while. She hops up from her end of the sofa and says “I want to smell you again”.

OK. So she straddles me and puts her nose deep into my neck and starts breathing in really deep. So I kissed her neck and she goes,”ahhhhhhhhh”. So I kept kissing her neck and shoulders, she starts doing the same to me. Next thing we’re French kissing,

Awesome, I’m a teenager, I love deep tongues. I was really enjoying it. Next she lays down on the sofa, I get on top of her and start kissing her again. One thing leads to another and we go to the bedroom and take turns giving each other oral. It was great. She had a raging orgasm and then teased me for what seemed like an hour until I had a huge orgasm too.

We end up having mind bending sex. She’s almost brutally sexual. Her brown body, drenched in sweat as she rides me like a stolen horse.

I have never met anyone like Shira, and girls back home don’t possess the kind of sexual prowess when it comes to staving off an orgasm and then coming like a freight train blasting through a forgotten station.

We made dinner together, pasta with pesto and truffle oil, with some really good parmesan, shared a bottle of wine and chatted on. Eventually we go to the bedroom again and had some crazy good sex and more oral in between. Great, intense, passionate sex.

Then we’re lying there, kissing and talking and she says:

“What am I going to do? I just took a six month lease on this place”.

Well, it’d be a good idea to pay your rent.”

“Well, that would be wasteful seeing as I’ll be living with you now”.

“Well, no, I think we should see each other as much as we can, and maybe have the odd sleepover and see how things work out”.

“But things did work out, I let you into my vagina, you’re mine now.”

I thought she was kidding.

“Well, if it’s important to you, you can call me your boyfriend, but you don’t own me.”

She started screaming, insulting me in Arabic, raving… (Which is kind of hot because it’s way before 9/11)

“Whoa, whoa, we just had sex, we’re not married. Sure we got into sex quickly, but hell, we met at a restaurant. I’m a musician. What did you think was gonna happen?”

“You said you take sex seriously, so do I. I only have sex with someone I’m in a relationship with, so this means we’re in a relationship and you said you wanted someone to live with and be happy with. I will cook your meals, clean your house, take care of our children. I want a child of my own soon.”

Holy crap… I agreed that we should keep talking, but I had to go home… I dressed and said good-bye. To her it was like seeing off a lover who was travelling overseas for a few years, massive hugs and kisses.

“Call me tomorrow???”

“Okay…. Okay…”

It was a moonless night, midnight, pitch black and pissing down with rain and I had to drive for 90 minutes on narrow, winding  roads in the Hollywood hills in my old ’69 VW  van. Because no one can drive in the rain in L.A. By the time I got home, white knuckled from gripping the wheel it was late, nearly 2am.

I woke up around 9am, my phone was ringing non stop and I answer it.

“I don’t appreciate this lack of communication. You are going to have to improve. You can’t treat me like shit after I’ve had you in my home, fed you, given you my vagina”

“I just woke up. Why did you call me so many times?

“ARE YOU CALLING ME CRAZY? I AM NOT CRAZY JUST BECAUSE I EXPECT SOME COMMUNICATION FROM MY MAN!!!!”.

At this stage, we’d known each other’s first names for like 36 hours.

We phoned on and off for like a week, me trying to increase the number of fights so she’d give up on me. About three days in, we’re arguing on the phone and I hear her moaning and stuff. She was fighting with me while masturbating.

Had to write her off.

Back then it was so much easier to cut off the crazy. I’m just glad her family didn’t hunt me down and cut my hands off… or worse!

But I will leave you with this lasting memory that has haunted me all of my days in a good way.

When Shira and I would have mad sex, she would get really sweaty. I like that. I like everything that happens to the woman I’m with during sex no matter what. But her sweat smelled like lawnmower exhaust. It had that hot, sexy, oily, burning with gas mixture kind of smell. I think it may have been from her diet, but I don’t care. It was real and I liked it.

For weeks after that whenever my neighbors mowed their lawn, I’d get a massive erection.

I wish that last part of this story wasn’t true. But it is!

Fuck you Pavlov.

 

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