Want to Feel Better After a Broken Heart? Then Stay Away from People Who Suck!

Are you divorced or recovering from a heartbreak and working to rebuild your self-esteem? When you’re working to get your confidence back and build boundaries, there is one “hiding in plain sight” barrier that will keep you from reaching your goals.

And that’s surrounding yourself with toxic people.

You know *exactly* who they are…

  • The pushy one with unsolicited advice that makes you doubt your decisions
  • The rude one throwing shade with snide comments and back-handed compliments
  • The one who blames you and makes themselves the victim when you call them out on their BS.

Sound like anyone you know?

Is this a sister or brother? Your father or mother? Your adult child? That “friend” who says they’re “only trying to help you?”

Literally every person deals with these folks on the daily. And his/her comments are so hurtful because they know which button of yours to push. They’ve known you for a long time, and know your sore spots, triggers, and vulnerabilities. They’ve had decades to perfect them.

That’s why one of their comments can leave you devastated for days.

The secret about toxic people in your life…

100 percent of that criticism has nothing to do with you. They are projecting their own insecurities onto you and not taking responsibility for their own crap.

Remember the time your sibling said, “those jeans look a little snug on you, don’t you think?” although they knew you were hitting the gym again?

They guaranteed can’t fit into their own jeans anymore, or just saw a picture of their slimmer selves in college.

Remember that time you got that promotion at work and instead of congratulating you, your mom or dad said, “Oh, so I guess that means you’ll be spending even less time with your kids.”

 

So, what do you want to do about them?

Option 1: Continue to let them walk all over you, saying “that’s just who they are. They won’t change. This option is risky because you put yourself at risk of continued frustration and hurt feelings.

Option 2: Stand up for yourself. This doesn’t have to look like a Jerry Springer fight. But it takes courage, especially if this type of person has treated you a certain disrespectful way for years or decades.

  1. “Hey (insert person’s name), it really hurts my feelings when you do/say (insert harmful action here). I would ask that you keep those comments to yourself.
  2. “Hey (insert person’s name). I notice that you’re always commenting or giving me unsolicited advice on my divorce/looks/weight/recovery/insert whatever they’re always commenting on. I would ask that you don’t do that anymore, at least until I specifically ask for your advice.”

So, a quick heads-up when you stand up for yourself against toxic people. If the person has any amount of emotional intelligence, they may take a step back and say, “Oh, wow … Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad,” or something along the lines of that.

Or they may get defensive and turn it on you. They may say, “I’m only trying to help you. If you don’t want my honest opinion, then fine.” And then they might stomp away or hang up the phone or stonewall you or some other 5-year-old-at-the-playground silliness.

If that reaction occurs, that is a HUGE RED FLAG that maybe this relationship is unhealthy. This ain’t the end of the world–it’s just an opportunity to set up healthy boundaries.

Oh, and I get you may not just be able to walk away from that person so easily. They might be a relative or close friend you have known for years.

But remember–being related to someone DOES NOT give them carte blanche to disrespect you.

It takes a herculean effort to be confident enough to speak up and stand your ground when they push back. But until then, remember:

  1. Be aware that some of the most toxic people may be the ones closest to you
  2. Their hurtful words have nothing to do with you, but everything to do with their own insecurities
  3. You have the power to speak up for yourself…even if you’re older and haven’t done much of it.
  4. Family members and close friends *do not* get to be disrespectful just because they’re in your life and have done so for decades.

So, how about you? Do you close friends and family who put you down?

What two steps will you take the next time it happens?

 

 

Sun Stories: Trinity – Chapter 3 – Dopamine Overload

I was working at the salon. It was Saturday. We’re firmly ensconced in the busy season and killing it. I’m on my own, but the cash register is singing and I’m having an amazing day.

I’m texting a potential girl for a lunch date this week, when my phone buzzed.

I thought it was the girl I had been texting with a final word. (Brooke again trying to catfish me?)

But I got a sudden text from Trinity.

It got my strict attention.

“I’m seeing a lot of legs!!! You must be so happy lololol”

I’m shocked and astounded. Here’s a girl I really like, that ghosted me, but suddenly lights me up. I need to be cautious,…. or I need to be… ME.

You know who I’ll pick.

“Hi, Trinity. It’s been a total leg show here at the salon all day. Finally finishing up the day.”

“That’s wonderful!! Lol It’s a total leg show out in the street too!! I feel overdressed lolo!

I love that the girl I really like that ghosted me for a week has suddenly contacted me and is discussing my favorite fetish and is now online!

“What are you up to? I could go for a post work cold beer”

“I’m in your neck of the woods! Where should I go?

So this is the girl I really I want to hang out with and a week ago I was angry because she blew me off. The gods must be smiling upon me for bringing in over a thousand dollars into the salon today.

This is my moment with Trinity…..I pull the trigger.

“Meet me at Happy Rooster in 15 minutes.

 

Holy Shit. Is this really happening?

I finish up at the salon and lock the door. I light a celebratory cig and walk down Walnut street to 16th. Happy Rooster is a block away.

I’ve chosen well.

Prey is in range, and the lion is on his way. I’ve worked in sales my whole life. When the client is ready. You must strike.

I’m excited. I haven’t heard a word from Trinity in over a week since we last tried to meet up. I thought it was dead and gave up. But after a great day at the salon and the 80 degree weather, the planets are lining up and I’m ready to unfold with the universe as usual.

This shouldn’t be happening, but it IS!

It so reminds me of when I was courting Michelle. (See: Michelle – A Brand New Day) That energy. That unsure, off balance vibe, that’s always going to right itself once you see her. Just be you. That charming guy at the salon that she feels safe with.

I’m not worried, I can only think of the smell of the cigarette I’m smoking right before I sit next to her in Happy Rooster.

I head over there, puffin tuff. I have to do it. This is destiny. Who gives a shit. She has a boyfriend in Boston, and she’s just texted me.

I have to be me.

The city is awash with people. The weather is unseasonable warm and it’s a preview of what the city looks like all summer. A non-stop sea of lovely young women in various stages of undress.

I traveled two blocks and it was a non-stop pageant of bare legs. It was magic for me. But I love that not only did Trinity realize the exposure, she connected it to me and reached out.

That’s huge. She remembers what I like, and took the time to text me on a special day.

Let’s put a cap on this extraordinary money day at the salon with a beer with a pretty girl.

“Just arrived.”

I toss my cig and head in.

Trinity’s at the bar and there’s surprisingly plenty of room.

I like that. The bartender, Chase is a raven haired beauty with tattoos in all of the wrong places that will assure she’ll never work a job where she has to pay taxes.

Her bar back is a very pretty, young baby with hair like chocolate and a face that’s made for a painting.

I enter and Trinity’s at the bar sipping a beer and very happy.

I’m stunned that I am in her presence.

A week ago I was so pissed that she ghosted me and I was doing my usual dopamine withdrawal, but she has no idea.

“Hey, Charles… sit where you want. On either side of me.”

“I sit to the right.

I tell the bartender (Hot Chase) I’d like a Yards, Pale Ale. ( I haven’t had a beer in 6 months because I’m not into beer and I figure that would work.

“When does Victory Summer Love Happen?”

“I have it now.”

“Oh God… I want that…”

I am overjoyed that Happy Rooster has my favorite summer beer and I’m sitting next to the object of my desire. (For the moment)

Chase places the ice cold bottle in front of me on the bar and I’m stupid happy to be in this moment.

I turn to Trinity and we toast. I feel the click of the necks of our bottles and then we both tap the bottles on the bar. We sip. “To new friends.”

We both sip from our beers and after the day I’ve had, I describe the taste of Summer Love as kissing the face of God.

I tell Trinity about how I wanted to text her after she ghosted me. How I wanted to say, “This is why you have no friends… you don’t ever get back to them!”

Trinity loved this and laughed saying her friends in Boston say the same thing.

There was much laughter and I could feel our amazing connection.

Trinity was constantly doing all of the things to me that I write about in this blog. Touching her face, grabbing my arm, touching me, etc. Just text book attraction.

I love this.

I just want to hang out with Trinity, and get free drinks at Square with her. I don’t want to hurt her relationship with the boyfriend in Boston.

Ever.

Not cool.

“I’m sorry I ghosted you but my job is so intense i just get so focused on it I forget everything else. I’m sorry. My friends in Boston tell me the same thing.

“You have friends?”

We laughed over that.

I won’t do that to you ever again.”

No worries. I’m happy to have you in this moment. Trinity.”

“I have to go soon.”

“Okay.”

“I have to go meet my boyfriend at the bus station. He’s coming into town in an hour and then we’re going on vacation.

“Finally. You’ve been working your ass off, Trinity.”

Yea. We’re going to Austin and then I’m leaving him and going to see a friend in Colorado. She’s been wanting to see me, and if I’m in Austin I have no excuse not to jump and see her.

I love all of this intrigue. How strong can their relationship be if they are so far apart? Then she leaves him in Austin and sees her friend.

This makes me think back to when Michelle was trying to get back with her ex Dave and was making all the effort and I clipped her because I was present here in the city.

If I got super cranky when Trinity didn’t get back to me after I invited her out for free drinks. that tells me the vibe is on. I love the dopamine vibe.

We walk outside, and smoke cigarettes together. It’s so warm out. A rare day this chilly Spring.

I feel such a strong connection to Trinity and I hope if anything at my age I just get to hang with her again.

I’m literally at that point in my life.

Just to go to the movies would be amazing. Kill some dinosaurs at Dave and Buster’s would be terrific.

I’ve isolated my prey and I really like her.

We flick our cigs and she goes in for the hug.

I like that.

“When I get back from all of this we’ll go to Square and do that thing we talked about.”

“Yes. It’ll all be free.”

“Cool. see then, Charles.”

I tell her the bus station from Boston is in Chinatown.

I watch as Trinity walks away knowing that even though her legs are wrapped in denim they are magic beyond words.

I need to drink with her at Square.

I’ll just flirt with all of my favorites at the salon until Trinity returns.

And compartmentalize the rest of my life as usual.

Welcome to phicklephilly.

 

 

 

If You Exhibit More Than A Few Of These Personality Traits, People Probably Think You’re A Prick

It should go without saying that having the character traits that make one likable is one of the most valuable tools any person could ever possess.

Likable people earn more money, get more ass, and generally have better social lives than their counterparts.

And it makes perfect sense when you stop and think about it.

Let’s face it, no one likes an asshole, and more importantly not a single person – not an employer, not a client, not the guy sitting at the bar – wants to be anywhere near someone they can’t stand.

Just think about the last time you were around a person who, for one reason or another, just rubbed you the wrong way.

Perhaps your gut reaction was to just get the fuck out of dodge and away from that person as quickly as possible, or maybe you even wanted to unleash a violent haymaker against the side of his head to shut him the fuck up.

We typically know right away who we like and who we don’t.

Although without even knowing it, you too may fall into the ranks of an unlikeable person.

Hey, we realize that might be hard to believe – how could anyone not like you? – but it is possible you’re not the crowd-pleaser that you think you are.

What’s encouraging, however, is that even if a person falls into this category, he can rise above it by making some minor tweaks to his behavior. But he must first learn more about what makes him unappealing in the first place before a change is possible.

These attributes are a sure-fire sign that there is room for improvement.

Modest-Bragging

It is essential to be confident and feel like you are the very best at what you do – whatever that may be.

But no one likes a braggart.

Most people are privy to this, even people needing so desperately to brag, so they boast about themselves in a way that almost sounds like they are their worst critic.

These people might do this as a way to fish for compliments or to point out their supposed awesomeness to a crowd.

The guy casually playing guitar at a party might talk about how it would be easier for him to get gigs in his hometown if he didn’t write such obscure tunes.

But what he is trying to say is: Hey, I’m writing music unlike anybody in this area, and I’m smarter, more talented, and more original because of it.

The same goes for the guy who makes fun of himself for being a gym rat when all he is doing is drawing attention to the fact that he works out extensively.

He might as well rip off his shirt and make everyone feel his pecs. That’s what he really wants to do.

People who exhibit this behavior believe that it makes them less of a blowhard, but according to Forbes columnist Travis Bradberry, no one is fooled.

“While many people think that self-deprecation masks their bragging, everyone sees right through it,” Bradberry wrote. “This makes the bragging all the more frustrating because it isn’t just bragging; it’s also an attempt to deceive.”

Always So Serious

There are those people who are so desperate to be revered as passionate that they always try to give off the impression as someone who is absorbed in their work.

At social functions, these people might not laugh at jokes, make jokes of their own, or engage in any of the conversations.

Nope.

They are too busy trying to be seen as intense and focused geniuses to care about having fun.

This is a huge turn-off.

Likable people can be serious about their chosen profession and still cut loose when it is appropriate.

More importantly, they are friendly to others and do not act above them.

“They focus on having meaningful interactions with their coworkers, remembering what people said to them yesterday or last week, which shows people that they are just as important to them as their work is,” Bradberry wrote.

 

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7 things highly accomplished people do every day before noon

  • Starting the day right is important — and successful people have tricks for getting the most out of their workday well before lunchtime.
  • For instance, Sabir Peele, the founder of Men’s Style Pro, says he he splits up his day in two halves in order to increase productivity, and after he finishes two tasks, he does 20 push-ups.
  • Many accomplished people also get to work early and get their least enjoyable task out of the way first, as saving it for later can add unnecessary stress and negativity to the day.

Do you struggle trying to find that morning motivation? You’re not alone. It can be hard to get yourself moving in the early hours of the day, especially if you lack the excitement necessary to do so in your workplace. But there are easy ways to combat this. (And one comes Venus Williams-recommended!)

Below, we’ve outlined seven things successful people do to get the most out of their work day well before lunchtime.

1. They set specific goals

1. They set specific goals
US President Barack Obama does pushups at a White House event.
Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images

Sabir Peele, the founder of Men’s Style Pro, told Business Insider he splits up his day in two halves in order to increase productivity.

“I list a maximum of 10 tasks that I want to crush by noon,” he said. “To stay interested in what I’m doing, I do the most important tasks at the top of each hour and then handle emails. After I finish two tasks, I do 20 push-ups.”

Splitting your day up like Peele does can help keep things interesting and make the work day seem shorter (push-ups optional!).

2. They take one small break

2. They take one small break
Sheryl Sandberg takes an iced coffee break at Allen and Co’s Sun Valley mogul retreat.
Paul Sakuma/AP Images

In addition to checking things off their work to-do list, successful people take a little break to do something for themselves. Life and work is all about balance (we know you’ve heard that before!), and it’s important to not allow yourself to get burnt out before lunchtime. Take a mini-break: meditate in your office, take a walk around the block, go get your favorite iced coffee, or otherwise treat yourself.

3. They stay positive

If you are groggy or over-worked, it can be easy to be negative. But instead of focusing on the negative aspects of your life right now, turn your thoughts into positives. When you get frustrated or stressed or feel like you simply don’t have enough time in the day, take a small moment to write down the things about your job you are grateful for. Go back through the list every time you need a little pick-me-up!

4. They do their most dreaded task first

It can be easy to procrastinate on that dreaded task until the end of your day — which means it will be in your head for as long as you choose to put it off. This can add unnecessary stress and negativity to your day, and you don’t need that. Do your least desirable task as soon as you get in the office, and then the rest of your day will feel like a breeze.

5. They’re always focused on improving

5. They're always focused on improving
Tennis star Venus Williams constantly thinks about how to get better.
Matthew Stockman/Getty

According to Venus Williams, she is constantly thinking about what she needs to do next in order to keep improving. She told Fast Company, “It’s an addiction, but I always think about how to get better. Everything is geared toward that.” Ask yourself: What’s one thing you can do with the intention of “getting better” before noon?

6. They get to work early

You’ve heard that the early bird gets the worm, and in most cases, it’s true. Successful people get to work earlier and get started on that to-do list sooner. An ultra-productive day doesn’t start by hitting snooze and then inevitably arriving late to the office, stressed about the fact that your day is now out of whack. Do what needs to be done to wake up early (including by going to bed earlier if necessary).

7. They complete something off their personal to-do list, too

7. They complete something off their personal to-do list, tooKate Aedon/Shutterstock

If your life feels like it only revolves around work, it can become discouraging. Make a personal to-do list of one or two things you want to accomplish before noon, as well, whether it’s working out, reading the news or listening to a podcast. You’ll feel accomplished and as though you’ve achieved a little personal growth in addition to the professional. So cross it off that list and move on to your workplace goals.

 

 

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What It Means If You Dream About Someone You Haven’t Seen In A While

It’s common to dream about people who are currently in your life. But once in a while, you might find yourself dreaming about someone you haven’t seen or even thought of in a long time. It can have you wondering, should you try to reconnect with them? Dreams can be interpreted in many different ways. But according to dream experts, dreaming about someone you haven’t talked to in years has less to do with the person you’re dreaming about, and more to do with yourself.

“The thing to remember about dreams is that everything and everyone in your dream represents some part of you or something that directly affects you,” professional dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells Bustle. “That being said, when you dream of a person you haven’t seen in forever, or a person you don’t deal with on a daily basis, or someone who doesn’t even actually exist, they will represent a part of your personality.”

Dreaming about other people can be a way for you to gain a better understanding of yourself and your behavior. If there’s something that needs to be worked through and addressed in your waking life, it might show up in your dream in some way. Many times, it will show up in the form of a person in your past or present.

How To Understand What Your Dream Is Trying To Tell You

When you dream about someone from your past, there may be something in your waking life that you need to work on.

Shutterstock

Many people will dream about old friends and classmates from all the way back in elementary school. It can be a little strange, especially if haven’t seen or heard from a particular person in years. If this is the case, think about the person that you once knew and the traits they have that stick out to you the most. According to Loewenberg, that outstanding quality or fault is a trait that you may have.

“There was a time when I kept dreaming about this kid named Jeff from third grade,” Loewenberg says. “I don’t remember his last name, but I do remember that he was the shyest person I’ve ever known. I realized, he would show up in my dreams when I wasn’t speaking up about something in real life, or when I wasn’t taking action on something I needed to. My subconscious was saying to me, ‘Well you may as well just be Jeff.'”

It doesn’t matter what the person is like now. They’re showing up in your dream as a way for you to pay attention to something important that needs to be addressed in your life at the moment.

You should also take note of how this person is acting in your dream. For instance, are they helping you, or are they angry and threatening? According to Loewenberg, their behavior in the dream will be directly connected to how a part of you is behaving in real life. “They’re showing you this behavior from a different perspective so you can better understand yourself,” she says.

People will randomly show up in your dreams for all kinds of different reasons. If you’re into astrology, Joy Strong, transformation life coach and professional dream analyst, tells Bustle that planetary retrogrades can stimulate subconscious thoughts from the past to reappear.

“It’s important to consider that just because someone shows up in your awareness does not dictate whether or not they should have a current role in your life,” Strong says. This is important to keep in mind if you find yourself dreaming about an ex you haven’t thought about in forever and you’re wondering if you should reach out.

Dreams have more to say about you than the people in it. So if you find yourself dreaming about anyone from your past or present, think about what they could represent in your own life. If they’re showing up in your dream, there’s something worth paying attention to.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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How to Shut Down the Most Common Phrases From Manipulators

Manipulative people are difficult to deal with. There is often no end to the tricks they will use to guilt trip you, twist situations, and get what they want from you. The good news is that most of them use the same statements to get their way, so you can prepare to deal with them.

Learning how to respond to the most frequently used psychologically abusive tactics can help you keep yourself safe from even the most brutally manipulative individuals.

How To Shut Down The Most Common Phrases From Manipulators

1. I trust you; I just don’t trust other people.

A manipulative person, especially a partner, might constantly try to control your life. When you ask them why they don’t trust you, they’ll insist that they do, but that it’s other people they can’t trust. They may use this as an excuse to:

  • Check your phone and email
  • Run background checks on your friends
  • Refuse to let you go anywhere on your own
  • Prevent you from spending time with certain acquaintances

This turns the onus around on you, making you seem unreasonable while they look protective and strong. The problem, of course, is that this doesn’t make any sense – if someone untrustworthy is able to convince you to cheat, then you yourself weren’t trustworthy to begin with.

What’s the best response to this situation? Well, it should go a little something like this:

“I’m the person who you are dealing with here. It makes no sense for you to have to trust other people in order to talk to me. By reacting this way, you are making the assumption that I am weak-willed or prone to doing something bad if someone else entices me. It’s very disrespectful and you should trust in my honesty and faithfulness.”

2. You’re being too sensitive/crazy!

This is a type of gaslighting and it can really make you second-guess yourself. When something goes wrong and you try to talk about it or call it out, a manipulator will belittle you for your lack of positive thinking. They might say:

  • Calm down, it was just a joke.
  • Why do you always take everything so seriously?
  • You’re being crazy right now.
  • Stop being so sensitive!
  • You’re overthinking this entire situation.
  • It’s not actually that big of a deal.
  • You’re just misunderstanding me.
  • Lighten up!
  • Nothing you’re saying makes sense.
  • You really need to learn to loosen up a bit.
  • This is so unreasonable of you.

It definitely doesn’t help that manipulators naturally prey on people who are sensitive, in a positive way – people who are empathetic, understanding, and emotionally intelligent. There’s nothing wrong with being sensitive to begin with, and it shouldn’t come up when you’re voicing a valid concern.

Gaslighting can make you feel like you’re the crazy one, or like you’re overreacting and being insane. It’s a common manipulation tactic to trick you into giving in. Don’t fall for it! Here’s what you should say instead:

“This is something that is very important to me and it would mean a lot to me if you would listen and hear me out. It’s not fair of you to call me crazy or sensitive just because we don’t see eye-to-eye on something.”

3. I already said sorry; what else do you want?

Apologies are always a good way to go. But manipulators don’t use them when they truly are sorry and seeking forgiveness. Instead, they use it as a quick way to get out of a nasty situation and stop you from being angry or calling them out.

Unfortunately, that’s not how apologies work, especially for more serious transgressions. It’s normal to need to take some time to deal with the aftermath of what the other person did to you. You can’t switch to positive feelings right away.

This is reasonable and perfectly understandable – but a manipulator doesn’t think so. They think that since they’ve dropped the magic word, everything should stop right then and there. Demand a fair amount of time to recover from what happened by saying something like this:

“I really appreciate your apology, but apologizing doesn’t automatically heal all wrongdoings and wounds. Give me some time to process this and heal.”

4. Look what you made me do!

One key sign of a manipulator is that nothing is ever their fault. They refuse to take the rightful blame for anything wrong they do and will find any way to twist it so someone else is at fault. Manipulators are unable to take ownership of their mistakes, so they often try to pass the responsibility to someone else.

These types of people might say a number of different phrases to try to pass themselves off as innocent and pin the blame on you. Of course, it’s ridiculous to be blamed for something you didn’t do at all, especially when it’s the other person who is hurting you. To shut them down, say this.

“I am only responsible for what I do, and you’re responsible for what you do. It was your decision to act how you did, and I cannot make you act in a certain way, nor can I do that to anyone else.”

5. I would never hurt you.

This sounds like a good statement with kind intentions. It sounds reassuring and gentle. But manipulators don’t use it that way – they use it so you brush less obvious forms of abuse under the rug.

For many people, the deal breaker line is drawn at physical abuse. Meanwhile, emotional abuse becomes more and more prevalent, but you’re not as aware of it. This allows many forms of toxicity classified as psychological and emotional abusive to continue.

A manipulator is very aware that your limit likely lies here too, so they’re careful to never cross that limit. Instead, they are abusive in “sneakier” ways that they hope you won’t notice, and they throw you off the scent with phrases like these. So if someone is feeding these lines to you, respond like so:

“You can hurt someone in more ways than physical. Understand that a lack of physical assault doesn’t mean that there isn’t emotional pain.”

6. I already did something nice for you; why are you still angry at me?

Just like with the apologies, manipulators may do a nice thing for you so that you’ll drop some issue. They might buy you something expensive or do you a favor in hopes that your gratefulness will cause you to forget their problematic behavior.

It’s easy to fall victim to this kind of ploy. When someone is kind to you, you might feel bad demanding further apologies or may feel guilty when you are still mad at them. But keep in mind that there is nothing that can “buy” forgiveness. It has to be earned graciously with patience and changed behavior.

If a manipulator is trying to make you feel bad because they bought you a gift, say this:

“It was very kind that you bought this for me, but there’s no price tag on my forgiveness. If you’re attempting to use this present as a bribe for my forgiveness, you can take it back.”

Or, if they didn’t buy you presents:

“It was very kind that you did this for me, but you cannot buy my forgiveness with chores and errands. If you have an ulterior motive for helping me and doing these nice things, then I’d prefer you didn’t do them.”

7. I will hurt myself if you leave me.

This is one of the most dangerous forms of emotional manipulation. Someone who stops you from leaving them, or stops you from doing anything they don’t want you to by threatening to harm themselves, is incredibly toxic and a danger to themselves and to you.

Why is this so problematic? Well, this is the clearest type of manipulation. They don’t want you to do something, so they make it so you will feel guilty and suffer immediate consequences if you do it. That way, they can make themselves look like the victim and paint you in a bad light.

Many people feel pressured into staying with abusive partners because of tactics like this. They force themselves into positive thinking to “save” their manipulative significant other. Don’t fall prey to it. Stand your ground and let it be known that you will not be swayed with a statement like this:

“If you are experiencing these thoughts, please call a suicide hotline or an emergency number. I can help provide numbers for you if you like. I have told you why I have chosen to leave, and my decision is made, so please respect it.”

8. I understand your feelings, but trust me – I know what’s best!

No one should be allowed to make your decisions for you. A manipulator will pretend to be looking out for you but is instead pulling your strings to convince you to do what they want. They’ll use any types of words and phrases to convince you that they understand you when they either don’t at all or really don’t care.

Yes, everyone could use an outside opinion sometimes, but at the end of the day, you still know yourself best. A manipulator isn’t actually seeking what’s best for you – they are selfish and want specific things for themselves, so they’re just trying to rope you along.

In any partnership, you deserve to be respected and heard. Your opinion matters just as much as the other person’s; a lack of willingness to compromise or talk it out, instead resorting to cheap tricks like this, is a huge red flag. Don’t fall for it. Instead, say this:

“To presume that you know what’s best for me, even when I tell you my opinion, is very controlling. I would like for what I have to say to be listened to and respected. I believe that the best thing for us is to make these big decisions together, as what is best for you may not actually turn out to be what is best for me.”

Final Thoughts On How To Shut Down The Most Common Phrases From Manipulators

Dealing with manipulators is exhausting. Although we referenced romantic relationships for many of these instances, they work for all types of people, regardless of your connection to them.

Manipulators come in many forms. They can be your partner, a family member, a friend, a colleague, or even a mere acquaintance who you barely know. Regardless of who someone is to you, manipulation is wrong, and it’s important that you know how to protect yourself. Shutting down their most common phrases will show them that you’re not someone they can play their mind games with.

 

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