How to Survive Infidelity and Betrayal Without Betraying Yourself

Learning your spouse has had or is having an affair is earth-shattering. In an instant, the implicit trust you’ve given them – and built your life upon – evaporates. And, shell-shocked, you’re left wondering how to survive infidelity and betrayal and move forward.

When you discover your spouse has lied to you about their fidelity, it’s natural to wonder what else they’ve been duplicitous about. When you’re married, it’s also natural to define yourself in terms of your marriage.

So, it makes sense that when you discover that your marriage wasn’t what you thought it was, you seriously question how you’ll survive and what is real.

And the only way to begin answering these questions for yourself is to gain clarity on what has happened, what it means to you, and what you want for your life.

What is the difference between infidelity and betrayal?

According to the dictionary, infidelity is the action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse or other sexual partner. In other words, infidelity is about sex.

Wikipedia defines betrayal in this way: Betrayal is the breaking or violation of a presumptive contract, trust, or confidence that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship…

By being unfaithful, your spouse has betrayed you. And there are moral and psychological repercussions for the two of you and everyone else involved.

There’s no one way to deal with your spouse’s disregard for your marriage and monogamy. Some betrayed spouses choose to end their marriage. And some couples choose to look at creating a new marriage for themselves from the ashes of the previous one.

Neither of these paths forward is easy. And neither is the choice between them. Yet you will need to choose a way forward if you’re to be successful in your quest to survive infidelity and betrayal.

What percentage of marriages survive infidelity?

According to NPR, about 40 percent of American marriages are shaken to their cores by affairs. And of those marriages, more than half survive the infidelity.

Yet, just because other people make their marriages work after the betrayal of adultery, that doesn’t mean it’s in your best interest to make your marriage work.

You’ll need to decide what’s best for you and your situation.

How to survive infidelity and betrayal by choosing to make your marriage work

There are definitely good reasons for you to decide to save your marriage.

  • You have children together.
  • You have significant shared property.
  • You have been together for a long time.
  • You both love each other and are determined to do what it takes to make things right again.

If this is the path you ultimately choose, both of you will have a lot of work to do on yourselves before your marriage is whole again.

  • Committing to putting in the required effort and energy.
  • Being transparent with your spouse about what you’re thinking and feeling.
  • Releasing the betrayal.
  • Making time to work on intimacy as you become more comfortable with your spouse.
  • Being willing to create a new version of your marriage that works for both of you.

These tasks aren’t easy. They’ll require you to explore parts of yourself and your beliefs you’ve never dealt with before.

How to get through the infidelity and betrayal by divorce

On the other hand, there are good reasons to end your marriage too. Some of them include:

  • Denial of the problems that led to the infidelity and betrayal.
  • Inability to get past the anger and release the betrayal.
  • Persistent and consistent feelings of rejection.

If divorce is the truest way for you to move forward from what your spouse has done, you’ll still be faced with a tremendous about of work to do on yourself.

Some guidelines for include:

  • Accept that your marriage is over.
  • Remember that you didn’t cause the infidelity or betrayal.
  • Consider your own role in the marriage.
  • Expect to grieve – a lot.
  • Fake a smile if you have to.
  • Be grateful for every little thing.
  • Don’t drown in legalities.
  • Set long-term goals.
  • Forgive yourself and your ex.
  • Take good care of yourself.

Choosing divorce as your path forward from your spouse’s affair is difficult too. There is no one correct answer to getting through betrayal. Yet you do need to move forward.

Ultimately, the only way to survive infidelity and betrayal without betraying yourself is to get clear about what you  want. Don’t rush to decide what you want. Take your time to do your research and begin healing.

It’s only when you begin to have an idea of what could lie ahead that you’ll be able to make the best choice for how you want to move forward with your life.

 

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According To Science, These 10 Types Of People Cheat The Most !

https://va.topbuzz.com/s/MxNRR

 

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Ambria – Chapter 16 – Atlantic City – Part 4

Sorry…. NSFW

Go here people…

https://lapetitemort17.wordpress.com/?p=562

 

 

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The Way It Is Right Now

“Just because your sorry, doesn’t make it alright.”

I like Ambria and I’m ready to suit up and be the Dark Lord. I’ve been writing this blog for two years now, and I can’t believe my good fortune. Am I living a lie? Am I cheating on Cherie? To the world, yes. I’m simply compartmentalizing my life for the first time and doing what I want.

I once asked my father if there was one piece of advice he could give me for life, what would it be? He simply said: “Go through this life and hurt as little people as possible.”

That is a great piece of advice for a father to give his child, but he never lived that way. I know he only said it so I wouldn’t be like him. He was a good man but he hurt plenty of people, including my mother, me, and others, but I believe it’s all a numbers game. Ultimately my father was a good man. But I understand why he was the way he was now.

“Hurt as little people as possible.”

I don’t want to hurt either of these terrific women, but life is what it is and this shouldn’t even being happening to a man my age. I’m swimming in a bounty of female pulchritude that would rival Hank Moody on the show Californication on Showtime.

This behavior may disgust some of my female readers but I am living my life and I have never been in this situation before.

I don’t feel like I’m cheating on anyone or even being unfaithful. I thought the guilt would set in at some point and I’d have some moral dilemma with all of this, but it hasn’t happened. I am very kind and a gentleman, but this opportunity has magically presented itself to me and I like it.

I am giving both of these amazing women equal time and love and all that goes with it. Most men don’t get these opportunities and most men couldn’t handle it anyway, but I’m not like most men.

Not in the slightest.

When you get to my age, with a grown daughter and you’ve been through the busted dream of career, marriage, and all that goes with that, it affects you. All of the failed relationships because of what you’ve done and the choices your younger self has made for you, you change. Some men go sour and turn bitter or cling to their youth. I am relieved my youth and nonsense are behind me.

I’ve lost good women in the last 15 years because I didn’t want to marry again and have more children. I could have done that with these great girls but I would have been miserable. I would have been living their idea of the American Dream and I would have died inside again. I can never go through what I went through ever again like I did in my marriage.

My father once said to me that I should have never gotten married. That wasn’t a swipe on my character, (I knew when he was doing that) what he meant was, I’m just not the marrying kind. I’m better at being the romantic boyfriend that is wonderful to you when we’re together, but as much as I love you, you need to go away, honey. I want an intense time with you and I will be better than anybody you’ve ever met, but you need to go away. I need to be alone now.

Cherie. Super busy with her life in school. The 27-year-old nympho that is absolutely the most sexual being I’ve ever met, who is getting her degree and raising her son and working at CHOP. Lives an hour away. I adore her. Perfect.

Ambria. Lives in East Falls. Gorgeous, 35. Nurse practitioner. Makes a great living. Owns her own house, a rental property, and a condo at the beach. Kisses me like my girlfriend and I get to see her at least once a week. I love her too. Perfect.

So for now I’m keeping them both. They both appear to love me more than I love them. That’s not a bad thing. Someone in the relationship always loves the other person more. If you can find true equality in a love affair than you have rubbed a lamp somewhere. Because that shit is rare.

I’m getting older. My value is going down. Every day I am wiser and more calm, and more together as a man than I have ever been. Maybe that’s why this delicious gold has been poured into my lap. (literally!)

I’m going to go forward with this. I could end up alone, but like I always quote: “Better to love and lost, than to never have loved at all.”

 

I’m living the life I want to live…

 

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My Husband Has Admitted To Having Feelings For A Woman At Work, But Says He Still Loves Me. Should I Worry?

Here’s a post from on of my female followers. I thought it was worth sharing.

If I had to name the most common place where infidelity happens, it would be at the work place. I would say that the vast majority of the correspondence that I get about cheating and affairs happen in a work place setting. And I often hear from people who are concerned about a relationship that they see forming at their spouse’s job.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “I had a strong suspicion that my husband was developing feelings for a woman at his work every time I saw the two of them together. I also couldn’t help but notice that he constantly talked about her and often mentioned them having lunch together, sometimes without others present. When I confronted him about this, at first he denied that anything was wrong. He said that they were just colleagues who had a lot of projects together. But later, I found some texts from her that were very flirty in nature. So, once again, I confronted him and he continued to deny everything. But this time, I continued to press him and eventually, he broke down and admitted that he had “strong romantic feelings” for this woman, but insisted that he still loved me and was committed to our marriage and therefore, would never act on his feelings. My husband has never lied to me, so I want to believe him. But in the back of my mind, I wonder if I should be worried about this. It’s not a good sign when your husband admits to having romantic feelings for someone else. So what should I do about this? Am I right to worry?”

I believe that the wife was right to feel concerned. From all of the correspondence that I get that outline affairs (even only emotional ones) at work, I can tell you that feelings that aren’t even acted upon can absolutely seriously harm your marriage. Not only that, but it’s not at all uncommon for people to eventually act upon these feelings even when they never intended to do so. And finally, sometimes people will insist that they only have feelings, when in fact they are trying to spare the feelings of their spouse by denying an affair (emotional or physical) that actually does exist.

Sometimes when I share my feelings on this, I’m accused of being paranoid or distrustful. But, I think that I’d rather someone be paranoid but proactive than being trusting but later very sorry when they’re trying to recover from full-fledged infidelity. It’s easier to prevent an affair than to recover from one, in my experience and opinion.

What To Do When Your Husband Admits To Having Feelings For Someone Else, But Denies Acting On These Feelings: This is only my opinion from my own experience, but I believe that just sitting back and hoping for the best is a mistake that I see happening over and over again. You can still make every attempt to believe and trust your spouse while being proactive about saving and safe guarding your marriage. When your husband has admitted to feeling romantic and loving toward someone else (who he sees and interacts with on a close and personal level every day,) then my feeling is that you are justified in taking action.

One suggestion might be to see if your husband can stop having to work so closely with her. Can he transfer, move to another department or partner with someone else? This may sound drastic, but again it’s usually much easier to prevent infidelity than the heal or recover from it. And, if you get resistance from your husband, then this will give you some important clues as to how he really feels and how invested he is in any close relationship with her.

Another thing that you will want to consider is strengthening and safe guarding your marriage. You want to make sure that things are very good at home so that he won’t have any reason to lament his marriage or talk about what it lacks with this other woman. You want to make it so that the two of you are as connected as you can possibly be. And, it’s certainly not a bad idea to swing by and have lunch with him as much as you possibly can. After all, when he’s having lunch with you, he won’t be meeting with her and she will see that your marriage is his reality and that it is solid and still very much in tact.

You also might want to look at where your marriage is vulnerable. Many women will deny that there are issues or problems, but I would argue that if your husband is developing feelings for someone else, then there are likely issues somewhere. There are likely vulnerabilities that you may not have considered or noticed, but which are most certainly coming into play. And again, if your husband is resistant to exploring these issues to strengthen your marriage, this might be indicative or what is truly going on with him and how deep his commitment really is to her or to you and your marriage. Because men will sometimes say words of reassurance, only to lack the actions to follow them through in the end.

This is not always the case, of course. Sometimes, a husband will do exactly what you’ve asked of him and the relationship or feelings for the other woman will fizzle out once you prioritize your marriage. However, to answer the question posed, yes, I do feel that there are plenty of reasons to worry, be concerned, or at least pay attention when your husband admits having feelings for someone else, even if he swears he’d never act on them. In my view, it’s better to be concerned and to take swift action than to vow not to worry, only to regret it later.

I know from experience that it’s easier to strengthen your marriage than it is to recover from an affair. My husband was unfaithful during the course of his job and I just didn’t see it coming. Since you have a warning and a head’s up, you don’t need to allow this to happen to you.

 

Thanks. I hope this was helpful. I’d like to hear your thoughts on this piece.

 

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Phicklephilly – Double Life

“The seed is gold. The price of gold goes up in a crisis.”

If you’ve been reading this blog, you know I’ve been in a relationship for quite some time.  This is a subject I can only discuss with my emotionally and morally bankrupt friend johnny R or my friend Robert who will understand. I can’t go to Church with this because he can’t even manage his own shit and has no clue as to how to navigate his own life, let alone the world of romance and women. I hope by the time you read this, he’s sorted out his life and moved forward. (See:Church – Brand Ambassador)

So I’m going to address the 600 pound gorilla sitting in the room we call phicklephilly.

When you have lived the life I have, my story isn’t for everybody. I hope you know what I mean. You have to compartmentalize your life. There are those in your life that can embrace your darkness and those that admire it but never get to be on the show.

Phickle is in a pickle. The most glorious pickle that men would pay money to be in. I’m in love with two women. For the first time in my life this has happened.

I usually meet a girl. Start dating her. If things get serious and we’re compatible, that leads to love and off we go. She’s the only woman in my life. I’m getting older, and I figured the women I would date would get older and more scarce. It’s been just the opposite. I’ve done better in my late forties and fifties than I did in my mid twenties to mid forties. (I was married for 8 years from 28 to 36)

I’m a one woman man. Through and through. What has happened with the last three women in my life is this: They have all been younger than me. So we’re always in different places in our lives. (My mistake, but I don’t chase them, it just happens) We go out for a while, then we’re in a relationship, and they bring up that they may want to get married and have kids. That’s when it ends. They love me, but they know I’ve already been married, divorced back in 2001, have my daughter Lorelei, and paid out over $125,000 in child support.

I’m not risking that again. If I were to marry again, (Which I highly doubt) It would have to be clear that we’re not having kids. If that happened and I fucked it up, my Social Security payments would be going to my ex-wife. So no go.

But back to my current dilemma.

I’m really falling for this lady. I’m happy in my current relationship, but I met Ambria and we’re a good match. I haven’t slept with her yet, but I know it’s inevitable. I don’t even know why I did it. I’m not unfaithful. I’m happy with my current girl. But then it comes to me.

I did it because I could.

(Just like in the film Jurassic Park. Ian Malcom says: “You had the technology that you could re-create dinosaurs, but you never gave any thought to SHOULD you create dinosaurs?”)

My current girlfriend Cherie lives far away out in Pottstown and Ambria lives out in East Falls, just outside the city. But neither of them really come into the city. Current girlfriend is a student at Temple. That’s in North Philly. She has no reason to come into center city. She works at CHOP but not at the one here in the city, she works at a branch of Children’s Hospital out by where she lives.

Ambria works as a Nurse Practitioner up in Kensington. That might as well be in another city. (And a shitty one at that.)

Am I really a two timing, cheating, bastard? Technically, yes. But if I look at this in an open-minded adult way I think I can justify my actions.

My current girlfriend Cherie works a lot of hours and has a 6-year-old son to raise. She’s also in school. After she graduates, it’s off to medical school. I see her once or twice a month for a few hours or a single overnight. When we have time, we go out and do something, then eat and then back to the batcave for sex and sleep. The next morning I take her to breakfast, and then put her on a train back to Pottstown. Sometimes it’s just back to the batcave for sex, sleep and breakfast. Her life is that busy and her time is that limited.

At my age, I’m fine with it. I’m just happy to be getting laid at all. But that’s pretty much my life with my girlfriend. She’s great. She’s smart, she’s funny, and she’s a nymphomaniac. I love being with her and I can really feel how much she loves me even though our time together is short.

I also like my time alone, with my friends and my work and business. I love women. I just don’t want to spend a bunch of time with them. I like a little quality time and some distance. I need her to have her own life, friends, work and priorities. I need to be a part of her life but certainly not the focus. I should never have to “put my time in” like I did with insecure Annabelle (See: Annabelle – 2013 to 2014 – Nice to Meet You) so she doesn’t feel neglected.

I’m just getting started with Ambria and I certainly didn’t think this would happen. I think about them both. I’m happy with them both. Like I said, I’ve never been in this situation before, where there just happens to be two great women in my life and I like them both for different reasons, but can’t just choose one and jettison the other. Why would I do that? I don’t want anyone to get hurt. And no one has to. For right now I want them both. I’ll see Cherie when it’s convenient for her on the weekends that she can get some free time, and see Ambria once or twice a week.

This is pure phicklephilly.

If you look at the actual time spent with these girls, mathematically it’s like only having one girlfriend that you see only part of the time. There’s no demands. No perfunctory chores or doing shit you don’t want to do. These two relationships read like my blog posts about my ex-girlfriend, Michelle. (See: Michelle – 2007 to Present – Nice to Meet You) What I mean by that is this: My relationship with Michelle was as complex as any relationship where you live someone you love. But these two relationships, because of the distance and limited amount of time spent with them both, it’s like the Michelle blog. Simply our Greatest Hits. When I’m with each girl, it’s just the best of Phicklephilly.

I get to be in a relationship with two great girls that I don’t see all the time, and it’s all the fun stuff. It’s all the things that keep a relationship fun. Now granted, I know it can’t always be this way. Relationships always progress and are usually pushed forward by the woman. But in this case I may have dodged that bullet, because Cherie doesn’t want any more kids, and Ambria told me she is unable physically to have children. So, win, win!

Of course there’s the moral dilemma. But I’m not feeling any guilt at this point. I’m treating them both well and giving them my full attention when they’re with me, and nothing’s changed. I’ve simply added another person into my life with whom I enjoy their company.

I think this may have risen from Cheri’s extreme limited availability. When she’s here it’s like I run a sexual marathon for 12 hours and then the whole amusement park shuts down for three weeks to a month and goes dark. Then the process starts all over again weeks later. We text and all, so there’s always a connection, and I’m fine with that. But there are long periods when baby is just MIA.

It’s rare for a man to find not one, but two women with which he’s compatible. Let alone at the same time. I like this arrangement that I’ve created and for now it’s working. I’m going to enjoy this wonderful opportunity as long as possible and do everything to be discreet and keep the girls happy and satisfied.

You know what would be insane? Cherie is bi-sexual, and open to a threesome with another girl. Ambria told me that about 10 years ago she went through a faze where she was into girls.

You don’t think I could…?

 

Thank you for not unfollowing me for being a two timing slob, but I assure you the story gets better and so much more sordid.

And that’s what you all want right?

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day at 8m & 12pm am EST.

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Dating and Relationship Advice – How to Get Over Someone Who Cheated on You and Ways to Repair the Damage.

“This is a MUST READ for anyone who has ever been cheated on!”

 

I feel this is one of the most important posts I’ve ever written. Being betrayed in an intimate relationship is probably the worst thing that can strike down a couple. Many of us have been in this situation, and it is a searing, corrosive moment in our lives.

But I feel this must be written to help those of you have faced this horrow or are currently living through this.

I hope those who will most benefit from this advice will truly listen to my words and grow through their pain.

Having someone cheat on you isn’t a walk in the park. The real challenge is learning how to get over someone cheating on you and dealing with the emotions.

Let’s get this out-of-the-way, no one actually likes being cheated on. Even if you wanted to break up with them already, it’s always a horrible feeling to know that someone went behind your back and was dishonest with you. It takes times to know how to get over someone cheating on you and repairing the emotional damage. Now, I’ve been cheated on once. I went to teach English at a summer camp for two weeks, and he met some girl at a music festival and slept with her. He called me while I was working and told me what happened. Of course, we broke up and though I tried to play it off as no big deal, it really affected me. Did I want to marry this guy? No. Did I see him as the father of my children? No. But at that moment, he was someone I was trying to get to know and enjoying the time spent together. Here’s the thing, I didn’t try to stay with him and see if we could work it out. In my mind, I knew that it was over.

How to get over someone cheating on you. But for some people, they don’t want to leave the relationship and would rather invest the time in repairing it. Now, is this a bad decision? No. And for some couples, they work through the problems and become even stronger, but it’s a hard path to take. Either way, you’re going to be dealing with a lot of emotions and feelings about what happened. It’s not easy, but you have to do it for you.

#1 You need to make a decision.

When someone cheats on you, you need to make a decision. Are you going to stay with them or not? If you’re trying to figure out how to get over someone cheating on you, remember that for some people, the decision is easy, while for others it’s much more difficult. If you have children, your decision not only affects you, but it also affects them as well. But what’s important is that whatever you decide to do, you do it. That way, you can focus on the next steps for self-healing.

#2 Express your emotions.

I cannot emphasize this enough. No matter if you think you’re mentally strong, you need to talk to someone about what happened. Shutting up and going through the pain on your own isn’t going to work that well for you. If anything, you just bottle up all your emotions and eventually explode. Talk to the people around you that you love or talk to a therapist as they’ll be able to help you make some difficult decisions.

#3 You can’t change what happened.

I know, I know, you’re probably thinking that if you only did this or you only did that, but here’s the thing, you can’t change what happened. Now, you learn from it. You need to reflect on the relationship and look at what happened, what you need to work on, and how you want your future relationships to look like.

#4 Be sad.

Listen, if you want to spend an entire weekend watching Netflix and eating ice cream, do it. If you want to lay on a beach for a week crying, do it. The point is, be sad, regardless of whether or not you stay with them. You’re angry, you feel betrayed, so let it all out. Because if you choose to stay with them, you have to move past this.

#5 Talk to your partner.

You need to talk to your partner and tell them exactly how you feel. And, I know this may be hard, but you need to let them tell you how they feel as well if you truly want to understand how to get over someone cheating on you. Communication with your partner is essential after they cheat on you, whether you stay with them or not. They need to know how their actions affected you, and you need closure with what happened.

#6 Remove them from your life.

That is if you’re choosing to break up with them. If not, then you need to see a couple’s therapist to help you work through your issues. But if you’re choosing to leave them then fully leave them. Tell them that you need space away from them and ask them to stop contacting you until you contact them. Of course, you may never want to speak to them again, and that’s totally okay. But you need to cut the cord until you grieve and mourn.

#7 Don’t rush it.

I know you want to get over this as fast as you can. But here’s the thing, you shouldn’t try to “quicken” the process because everyone is different. If you’ve been with your partner for years, you can’t expect yourself to get over them in a couple of days. This will take months and months of healing before you start to feel better. So, don’t rush it, you need to go through the process at your own pace.

#8 Stay off of their social media.

What I mean is, don’t creep them. Please, just don’t do it. I know you want to see if they’re regretting their decision and posting sad songs on Facebook. Trust me, I know, but it’s not going to help you get over them. If anything, you’ll become obsessed with seeing their statuses and photos, seeing who they’re with, but in the end, it doesn’t matter.

#9 If you choose to stay with them, define your relationship.

What type of relationship do you want you and your partner to have? Yes, you went through a rough patch, and now you both are focused on making the relationship work. So, you need to decide how you and your partner want the relationship to look and what’s missing.

#10 It’s not going get better overnight.

Whether you’re trying to make the relationship work or trying to move on, it’s not going to get better overnight. This takes time to work through these things. You will need time to learn to trust your partner again, and they need time to work through their infidelity as well.

#11 Don’t blame yourself. Listen, we all make mistakes.

So, they may have told you that you worked too much, and they weren’t getting enough attention. Did they ever express this to you? Or was their way to deal with it to find something else immediately? Don’t blame yourself, because a relationship has two people involved, not just you.

#12 Don’t necessarily listen to your friends.

Your friends don’t want to see you hurt, so they’re obviously going to try to hook you up with other people or get you to go out which isn’t a bad idea, but if you’re not ready then you’re not ready. Plus, if you choose to stay with your partner instead of breaking up, you’ll probably hear an earful from your friends. It’s not their life, it’s yours. Listen to what they have to say, but, eventually, you’re the one that will make the decision, not them.

#13 One day, this won’t bother you anymore.

It’s a strange thing, especially when someone cheats on you, but eventually, this won’t bother you anymore. I know, right now you’re thinking that you may never get over this, and it’ll haunt you until you die, but it won’t. There will be a moment when you just stop thinking about it. It just won’t come to your mind or if it does, you won’t feel anger. It’ll be a moment of your life.

Now that you know how to how to get over someone cheating on you, it’s best to really focus on yourself and repair the damage that’s been done.

 

Was this helpful? I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments on this post!

 

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