Sun Stories – The Most Orange, Crispy Tanning Horror Stories You’ll Ever Read

Dear Dr. Derm, forgive me for what I’m about to say.

So, yeah, “tan me” is way hotter than “pasty-and-pale me.” (And by way hotter, I’m not intimating that I’m incredibly good-looking—or even a little good-looking—it’s about that little bit of bronze that balances out my sometimes ruddy skin, makes my hair look blonder without the $250 highlighting bill and let’s me walk out of the house with some Aquaphor on as lip gloss and nothing else). But, since tanning is universally known to cause bad stuff (hi, cancer), I refrain and instead hit the bottle.

Either way you go, the bottle tan or the UV-ray real thing, getting bronzed often produces the most brutal (and totally hilarious) stories. To wit…

I went tanning before a date once, because I was feeling a little pasty in the dead of winter. I tanned in the buff, and went for the full 15 minutes. Not a good idea when you haven’t seen a ray of sunshine since August. I burnt my butt and my chest. Not cute—and of course it made me pray that the date wouldn’t go that well. The clothes had to stay on!—Nat, 31

My senior year of high school, my friends and I went down to Cancun for spring break. As we basked in the sun, a friend rolled over and asked me if I wanted any of her sunscreen. I told her no, I wanted to wait a little before applying so as to get a little color and said something stupid about my “natively Floridian skin” being able to take the heat. Flash forward to later that night, when my skin had turned bright red and blisters had started to show up across my belly and shoulders. I spent the rest of the vacation wrapped up like a mummy while my friends called “not it” on sharing a bed with me; by the end of the trip, my skin was peeling off in long, clammy sheets and the big joke in the morning was to wake up, find a strip of my skin in bed and guess which body part it had come from as in “Oops! There’s her forearm!” or “Hmmm, I think this is her right flank.” Eleven years later, I’ve had no less than three suspicious moles removed, all in the vicinity of my Cancun burn. Clearly, my “Floridian skin” couldn’t handle the heat.—Janey, 29

I should have listened when the front desk girl winced and recommended five minutes less than what I asked for at Hollywood Tans. I was fried—and had to go to a wedding that night, where I was seeing my ex for the first time since the breakup. Needless to say, it wasn’t the I’m-hot-and-you-so-regret-breaking-up-with-me moment I’d envisioned.—Kat, 30

When I was 12 years old, I wore my first adult bikini ever. It was a J.Crew pink bandeau top with white polka dot bottoms—I have never felt so chic. Granted, this was at a time when my nickname was “tomato on toothpicks” for a reason – I still had a surplus of baby fat in my middle region. Anyhow, my friend and I decided to play some cards which turned into an all-day tournament. By evening, we were burnt to a crisp. That night, when I took off my bikini, I not only had a bright white stripe where my bandeau top had been, but bright white stripes where my stomach rolls had blocked the sun from reaching. For about two weeks, I had a lovely bumble bee, perfectly horizontal-striped pattern from chin to thigh. Talk about shame.—Emily, 29

In college, after going out and having a few drinks I would come back to my room and decide that it was a great time to apply self tanner. Being that this was 10 years ago, the formulas weren’t what they are today—there wasn’t any gradual build up of pretty, golden color a la that Jergens stuff. So, I’d get home, slap it on and go to bed. Not only would I wake up to a hangover the next day—but an orange streaked face and entire body parts without color. Don’t mix booze with bronzer.—Kim, 26

A few years ago, a friend talked me into going tanning. It was the dead middle of winter and I think I was see-through I was so ghostly white. So, we walk up to the reception desk and she’s singing the praises of going tanning—”It feels really nice and warm! You’ll have a tiny bit of color when no one else does. It’s make any zits go away,” blah blah blah. Well, between her and the front desk lady, they had me signed up for the ten-tan package. I’m into this! Yeah, no more zits! The second I get undressed and step into the booth I have a panic attack. Something about the neon-coffin closing on top of me totally wigs me out—I go running, yes really running, from the booth. Couldn’t take it. And that ten-pack never got used.—Sara, 24

And just to prove that guys have their own tanning fiascos, too:

I was maybe 11 when a friend shared his bottle of Beach Boys-brand tanning lotion with me. We were really concerned with being cool and looking tan when the swimming pool opened for the summer and this seemed like the quickest and smartest way to go about it. I faithfully applied the lotion, which looked and felt like sunblock, each day before I spritzed my hair with lemon juice and peroxide. About three days into the experiment, my mother was staring at me from across the dinner table and told me to go wash my face, that I had dirt all over. This seemed weird because I hadn’t been playing in dirt, but being a kid it was very possible that I got dirty somehow—so I followed instructions. This scenario repeated itself the next night and I began to think that just maybe it was my bitchin’ tan she was noticing. The tanning lotion, at this point, had turned my face a rusty red—but not all over, the color was clustered in certain areas of my face, giving me the overall appearance of having competed in a mud pie-eating contest. Coupled with the copper color that my hair was turning, I was cultivating quite the look! Thankfully, mother threw away the tanner, but it took another week or so before all of my face was the same shade again.—Tommy, 31

 

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Sun Stories: Kita – Chapter 20 – Addicted to Tanning?

“UV light may trigger the same reward pathway in the brain as drugs such as heroin.”

I think Kita is addicted to tanning. I decided to do some research.

Experts have long wondered why many people tan regularly despite the known risk of skin cancer. Past studies suggest that the motivation is not just vanity—some tanning buffs have symptoms of dependence and withdrawal. Now a study in Cell adds more evidence that tanning is addictive. It showed that mice become dependent on beta-endorphin, a drug-like opioid molecule made by the skin under ultraviolet light.

A team at Massachusetts General Hospital scrutinized the opioid system, the reward pathway hijacked by drugs such as heroin, because the researchers had earlier found that beta-endorphin and the skin pigment melanin originate from the same protein. Other studies have also pointed to the opioid system; in one, frequent tanners showed withdrawal symptoms when they took a drug that blocked opioid receptors.

In the new study, shaved mice got a daily dose of UV light long enough to tan but not burn—on a par with 20 to 30 minutes in midday Florida sun for a fair-skinned human. After a few days, levels of beta-endorphin rose in the mice’s blood. Then the researchers rated pain tolerance, a marker of opioid dependence, using heat and touch. The UV mice had a pain threshold up to three times higher than mice that had not tanned. As levels of beta-endorphin rose, so did pain tolerance, suggesting the endorphin played a key role.

When the UV mice received an opioid blocker, their pain threshold reverted to normal, and they showed withdrawal symptoms such as shaking paws and chattering teeth. The mice even modified their behavior to avoid withdrawal: those that received opioid blockers in a dark box preferred to spend time in a white box, despite rodents’ natural penchant for darkness.

Humans and mice share these chemical processes, so the researchers believe beta-endorphin may cause addiction in people. Getting sun may be rewarding to the brain because we need vitamin D, explains David Fisher, a co-author of the study and director of the melanoma program at Mass General. Next Fisher hopes to investigate whether this pathway is involved in seasonal affective disorder, possibly providing a new therapeutic target.

 

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Sabrina – Surprise Visit – Part 2

I take her back to the Versa Spa spray tan machine. I show her where to put the barrier lotion. (Between the fingers, beds of the nails, palms, between the toes and soles of the feet.) That’s where you don’t want the solution to go. I show her how to wear the hair net. (Above the hairline so you don’t get a weird crescent on your forehead below your hairline.) Then I show her the four poses you have to do while getting sprayed. It looks like we’re “Vogueing” in the hallway together.

I tell her there’s a woman’s voice that will guide her through the whole process.

“How long is the process?”

“The whole session is only four minutes. If you can follow directions, you can get a great spray tan. Any questions?”

“I think I got it.”

“Then go to it Sabrina.”

In she goes, and I head back up to the front of the salon. I’m thinking how great Sabrina looks. She’s come a long way at thirty-four years of age. I remember she told me she was addicted for ten years! How did she survive and look as good as she does? That’s fucking heroin! I’m so proud of her!

Fifteen minutes later, lovely Sabrina emerges from Room 8 and approaches the counter. I tell her she has to stay dry for the next 6 hours. She thanks me profusely and gives me a hug.

She’s so sweet to me and tells me that she wants to go to Gran Caffe L’Aquila for dinner for her 1 year anniversary of sobriety.

I’m honored to be the man that will sit across the table from this beautiful woman on that day. (God, my blog has gotten so much better and so have I!)

Sabrina heads out and I wish her a Happy New Year and I remind her she must stay dry for the next six hours for the tan to develop.

——————————————————————–

Later Update: Sabrina wrote a glorious 5 Star Yelp review about me and our salon. (Better than money!)

I text her and thanked her and wished her a Happy New Year. She texted me back that she had done something bad.

I was terrified. Had she re-offended with drugs?

“What happened?”

“I slept with my ex.”

Oh… But technically you’re not divorced yet so you just slept with your husband.”

Oh yea.. Thank you for that. But now he’s not texting me or anything.”

“I know you said the sex was fire between you guys and I get that, but if you guys hooked up, I think that’s all it was.”

“Oh.”

“You’re relationship was toxic and dangerous for over 10 years. If you slept with him I think that’s all it was. I’m sorry. But steer clear so you don’t re-offend. He’s not going to get back to you because you can never go back to that toxic relationship that destroyed you. ”

“But…”

“No. Resist and stay sober. I hate the holidays.”

“But I…”

“I know Sabrina. Go forward. I know it’s hard, but let go of the bars of your addiction and walk out of your cell. You’re doing great.”

“Thank you! I love you and value our friendship! Hope you know I plan on being in your life for a long time.

What a lovely person.

“Promise? Because that’s what I want Sabrina!

“Thank you… Hey, I know what I did was wrong but because of my awesome spray tan I looked awesome naked thanks to you! (And thank you for that delicious visual, Sabrina!)

I love Sabrina and I would love to see more of her because she’s a beautiful person. Not just on the outside.

I can’t wait to see her again.

 

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Kita – Chapter 19 – The Sun Queen

I worked all weekend. Of course Summer who I love is off in Syracuse with family and I’m stuck running the salon. I have no life so I take her shift. I love using words like “I have no life”, because my life is so rich with friends and attractive women.

The salon is so dead so my partner has basically paid me to write my blog all weekend.

The last time I tanned my baby was Tuesday.  She had an amazing dinner with me  at Gran caffè l’Aquila after that memorable night.

I haven’t seen her since then.

Saturday is a financial bust. Sunday is even worse. There’s nothing going on and it’s been raining all day. I go to Macdonald’s for breakfast which is always amazing despite the homeless factor out front. The black girls working there are always pretty and I want them all just like my girlfriend who used to work there.

Despite the controversy Macdonald’s continues to generate a solid product despite what my vegan daughter, Lorelei says about it.

Lovely Kita appears and charges at me with a hug.

Apparently after our date thing are different. You don’t hug awkwardly around the face and shoulders. Kita gives me fuck body and leans her firm slender thigh between my legs and gives me a kiss on the cheek.

“Today’s the day!”

“Yep! Twenty minutes in the sunbed. You’re the only one we’ll let do it.”

“Thank you so much. I really appreciate it, Charles. I feel so pale.”

“Are you ready?”

“Yes!”

“Okay. You go into #2 and have your regular session, and when it’s finished, I’ll send you again under the house account so it doesn’t look like you went two times in a row. It’s all been approved with Achilles.”

“Yay! Can’t wait.”

Off she goes to tan. She closes the doors to the room. I think about how there’s been no talk about JR the ex and Steve the new potential beau. I like that. I also think about what she said about feeling pale. She has a better and darker tan than almost any other client that comes in here. I can only think of three other people who are as dark as she is. I really believe people can become addicted to anything. I think Kita is addicted to tanning. I wonder where that comes from? Is it like an eating disorder? Is it a beauty thing? I can never be tan enough. I can never be pretty enough. I don’t know but I definitely think this chick is addicted in some way to this activity. She eats well. She can’t drink. Doesn’t smoke. She’s very fit. That’s a clean vessel. I’m going to look into this subject.

Her session ends and I send the second one in after it.

“Hit the start button, Kita!”

I hear the bed awaken and the lights come on again. Off she goes for another ten minute session.

I finish cleaning up and folding the last of the towels. The place has been dead today, so everything is done. Dusted, swept, and mopped.

When Kita emerges I’m sitting in one of the chairs in the waiting area. She immediately goes to look in the mirror down the hall. I’ll have to say something complimentary about what she just did when she comes back up here.

She pops from around the corner of room one. “Do I look darker?”

“Come closer. I can’t really tell from here.”

Kita takes two steps toward me. “Now?”

“I don’t know if I can tell if you got anything.”

That’s when Kita approached me and sat down in my lap and put her hands on the back of my neck. She put her pretty little face up to mine. Her nose a few inches from mine.

“How about now?” she purrs…

I instinctively kissed her ripe lips. Our tongues swirl together for the very first time. Her mouth is sweet and her body yields to mine. I run my hand through her soft locks. It’s a deep passionate kiss that is needed more to break the tension than anything. I knew if she got close enough to the lion again I’d surely bite this little lamb.

She draws back from me, smiling and licking her slick lips.

“I needed that.”

“Me too!” I hiss.

She stands. My hands slide along her slender tan thighs.

“You working Tuesday?”

“Y…Yes.”

“Cool. I’ll see you then!”

“But…”

She simply turns and puts her index finger to her lips.

Then she’s gone.

I’m left sitting here alone in the silence of the salon with a stunned look on my face.

That, and my pants are feeling a little bit tighter.

That little Minx!!

 

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Kita – Chapter 18 – The Hours Between

Kita hasn’t been tanning at the salon since Tuesday. That was the day before our first date. That lovely watershed moment.

Now it’s Friday and it’s been three days since her last session. She loves tanning. She must be jonesing for some sunshine.

I decide to shoot her a little text.

“You’re looking a little pale…”

A minute later I get a text back from her.

“Coming tomorrow!! Or Sunday.”

“Lol! Hope your mid-terms are going well.”

“Thank you! I’m feeling so pale. (Sad emoji)

“I’m working all weekend so we’ll put you in for a nice long session in the bed of your choice!”

“You’re the best!!! Can’t wait to double dip!”

I respond with GIF of some lady from TV saying ‘Yes!’ in a sunbed.

She responds with a GIF of a white guy closing the hood on a sunbed and when he opens it he’s a black dude!

“Love it!!! That’s going to be you!!

(I have something on my phone called Bitmoji. It makes a little cartoon character that looks like me and I can send it to people with different emotions and expressions and sayings. It’s really cute. The one I send her is my guy laughing and leaning against a big round emoji doing the LOL face with the tears.)

How cute are we sending little GIF texts to each other? (Sickening right?)

Three hours later I’m home sipping wine and watching one of my shows.

“Can’t wait! Your bitmoji looks exactly like you!!

“Should be fun! It’s going to be sunny tomorrow and Sunday is going to be very rainy. You should make a bitmoji!”

I don’t care which day she comes in. I’m working both days. I just want her to come in Saturday so I can see her sooner!

The next morning I get a cute little bitmoji that looks just like sweet Kita! It’s so cute. She’s got almond shaped eyes, a nice tan and blonde hair. Her character is saying: “Good Day!”

I love that she did what I told her to do.

 

“I’m seeing my sister today! Wish I could make it in. 😦 But it probably won’t be in until tomorrow.”

“Super cute bitmoji!!! Best of luck to your sis rowing today! Perfect day for it. See you tomorrow.”

I then send her a photo of her favorite sun bed with the words: “Your chariot awaits…”

“Tempting me!! Can’t wait to get back in the (Sun emoji).

 

God… I’m falling again.

 

 

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Sun Stories: Kita – Chapter 12 – The Day Before Tomorrow – Part III

She comes out after a bit and is looking great.

“You look good. Just think in the next six hours you’ll get darker and darker.”

“I love it.”

She’s back hanging at the counter being my little protege.

“Did you get your six page paper finished?”

“Yes! wrote it last night and submitted it this morning!”

“Good work. I knew you would. I like what you said about writing in general.”

“What?”

“You don’t want to do it, but once you just start writing you’re into it and you just get it done.”

“Yea.”

“I feel that way about my writing. I know plenty of good writers. Better than me. Better material. But they just don’t motivate themselves to do it. If you want to be a ballet dancer, you need to take a class everyday. If you want to be a painter, you need to paint everyday. I write everyday and it’s gotten easier because I practice everyday. i like your work ethic, Kita.”

“Yea. It’s just that I have to do it, so I dig in.”

“Midterms are the end of the week, right?”

“Yea. So I’m studying like mad for that. So exhausting.”

But I love that she’s carved out some time to have dinner with me tomorrow night.

“I can imagine.”

I tell her about some of the challenges we’ve experienced with some of the staff here at the salon.

“I’d love to work here.”

My mind soars.

“You’d be amazing here. I know your parents have you on an allowance and they want you to focus on your studies but you’d be perfect here.”

“Oh my god. You’d be perfect. You’re like the poster child for this salon to show how it really works because you have such a great tan. Plus, you’ve got such enthusiasm for tanning.”

“Oh that would be incredible!”

“And the best part…”

“What?”

“FREE TANNING.”

I can almost see the dopamine drop in her pretty head.

“Ohhh… that would be Heaven.”

“I’m going to think about that. Just think. In the spring is our busiest season. We need two people on at night to handle the numbers. Can you imagine us running this place like a well oiled machine?”

“I would absolutely love that, Charles.”

I think about how I would absolutely LOVE that as well.

“You’d be perfect for this place. I’m going to think about that.”

“Giggles. I’m staying up here this summer, so that would be awesome.”

I tell her the story how in the last few weeks our beloved Summer (See: Summer- 2017 to Present – The Outlaw Returns) has asked me to take a couple of her shifts because she’s either had some family function, or, was hungover after a drunken fight with her boyfriend, or how her car’s transmission died while they were in NYC and couldn’t get back to Philly to work. On two of the occasions I had already made other plans. That stuck Achilles having to work from 10am to 8pm twice in the last month. He takes a very dim view to people calling out. Even to the point where when we talked about it he said she called out around 2 hours before her shift was to begin. Not cool. I don’t know what’s been going on with Summer lately. There seems to be a lot of chaos in her life, but it all seems self imposed.

Achilles is losing his patience.

“Start looking for somebody else, W.” (That’s what he calls me.)

 

“I know your parents have you on an allowance because they want you to focus on your studies but I know you’d love to work here, Kita. That could maybe come to fruition.”

She smiles and tells me that would be awesome. We’ll have to see how the whole Summer situation plays out.

I change the subject.

“Do you have any roommates?”

“I have 3 roommates. One is my friend, and we hang out a lot, the other two are nursing students and they have a different schedule than we do. We all have our own rooms and just share common area, kitchen and bathrooms. It’s a good setup because everybody’s chill and I’m usually studying.”

We chat some more and now she’s been here for over two hours much to my delight. She tells me she’s ecstatic about hour dinner date tomorrow and can’t wait to meet me tomorrow at 5pm.

We part ways and she’s off to study.

I watch her pad down the steps like a cat.

Fingers crossed for tomorrow…

I’m not even thinking of Cherie.

 

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Sun Stories: Kita – Chapter 11 – The Day Before Tomorrow – Part II

This baby doesn’t know what real darkness is. It has nothing to do with pigment, melanin or skin color. But I do.

“Anyway….No worries. Happy to help. What are we doing today?

“I want to do a spray and a UV session today! What do most people do?”

“Oh, the double dip today! I won’t recognize you tomorrow!”

“I’ll be dark! I wanna be dark!”

This baby doesn’t know what real darkness is. It has nothing to do with pigment, melanin or skin color. But I do.

Customers are coming and going and it’s getting busier. I just love that’s she’s hanging close to me at the counter. I go and clean beds on the in between, and I love walking back up to the front and she’s just there chatting with clients. They love her and compliment her on her gorgeous tan. She’s loving it and saying she’s pale.

Oh, the irony.

Clients ask about what lotion they should buy and she pipes up and recommends the Tahitian Bronze, because I let her try it one day. It’s the most expensive lotion in the house and she’s selling it to these pale ghosts.

“Yea, I used it and it got me really dark.”

These sheep are looking at this really pretty petite Asian girl with skin like delicious caramel and will do whatever the fuck she says. Kita is a natural and I make a mental note about this for the future.

I tell her normally that women go into the spray tanner and then follow it up with a stand up session to give them a little more and bake on the spray solution.

Kita has made it clear to me that she doesn’t like the stand up units because they have no face tanners. (600 watts of UV ‘A’ rays to brown the face and not burn it because the face is harder to tan than the rest of the body.)

We finally settle on Kita going to Room 2 for a lay down UV first and then to the spray tanning booth for a clear coat level 3. She’s afraid she’ll get too dark with the level 3 so at the last-minute she changes it to the level 2. (Probably a good decision but either way I’m sure she’ll look amazing)

“Can I get a robe?”

I love this. She’s going to UV tan in her favorite bed, number 2 and then wrap herself in one of our little blue robes and walk back to number 8 and jump into the Versaspa spray unit. Just the idea of lovely Kita standing before me in nothing but a little robe and completely naked underneath brings my blood to a boil. But I must refrain from any thoughts or feelings. I’m a professional here. I have three great yelp reviews using my name, and I have to keep my composure around clients even if I have a crush on them.

I’ll be fine.

I send her into room 2 and off she goes. I go about taking care of clients, cleaning beds and doing laundry.

In a little bit she comes out in her little robe. It has no belt on it so she clutches it to her lithe body as she shamelessly approaches me. She was all covered up when she arrived tonight but now I can see her shapely, tan legs. The experience is maddening because of the ironic circumstances. My mind flashes to her wrapped in that robe emerging from my bathroom and joining me for a night of passion in my bedroom.

But only for a second.

“I forget what I’m supposed to do in the spray booth, can you give me a refresher, Charles?”

“Of course. Let’s go to room eight.”

Here is this little doll that I absolutely adore and has gone from top five to my number one standing in front of me in a tiny robe. I tell her where to put the repelling lotion and run through the poses she must do while in the booth to get the best spray tan. I remind her about the hair net she has to wear and send her in.

“Do I need to call out to you Charles when I’m ready?”

My mind goes straight to the gutter.

“No. A green light will come on in the unit and when you’re ready you simply press it and then off you go. The lady’s voice will guide you through the four-minute process. Then all you have to do is stay dry for the next six hours and when you wake up tomorrow you’ll be Malibu Barbie.

“Okay! Thank you!”

“No worries, Kita. Just follow her directions and you’ll be fine!”

I walk back towards the front of the salon as she closes the door. I think of how spectacular she must look as she stands naked in that unit as the spray strikes her glistening fit body. I’m envious of the Versaspa in that moment that it gets to see the very thing I will never see. The heater in the machine will glow red and she will submit to the commands of the voice as she turns to display her nude vessel to the spray that will hopefully make her look the way she believes she should.

I think she’s perfect the ways he is, but she loves to tan, and this is a tanning salon. and I would never have met her if I wasn’t here.

I used to always complain early on in my dating journey on this blog that ‘the wallet never came out’ with all of these middle-aged women I tried dating in the beginning. But if this date happens tomorrow I will gladly shell out whatever’s necessary to feed this little flower and make the night special.

Because her youth, beauty, and sweetness are a gift to me. Just the fact that she hangs at the counter like a pup and listens intently to me to learn about life is satisfactory payment to me. The very notion that this 21-year-old girl will meet me for dinner at a nice restaurant is enough for me. I may even try to do a picture but that is a stretch. Her showing up and just being Kita is a win for my ego.

I thought about her. Phicklephilly loved her from afar and then ran her down and got her to hang out and confess to me her life, and now to go out with me on a date is spectacular. Just for the fact that I can dream something and bring it to fruition at my age.

I know it’s insane but if she said, I’m hung up on JR and I’m dating Steve but if you give me X amount I’ll be your sugarbaby… I would possibly buckle and take some money from my brokerage account and split her like a ripe melon.

But please…. settle down. Not happening. She trusts me. I’m honored by the fact that she trusts me enough to have dinner with me.  My black wings her neatly folded away and iI will be the gentleman I truly am.

 

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