I matched with Bailey on OkCupid. Let’s take a look at her profile.
27 – Philadelphia, PA
Straight, Bisexual, Heteroflexible, Sapiosexual, Woman, Single, 5’5″ Thin
My Self Summary
So apparently OkCupid decided to delete all of my content on my fucking profile. I had a bunch of witty things written here. Oh well… I’m a spoken word artist. Honest, raw, blunt, cynical, funny, frugal, practical, logical, nurturing, attentive, catering, independent, passionate, no nonsense. I was originally looking for a life partner but this website doesn’t offer those so let’s just hang. Not here for sex unless we actually go together. I’m old fashioned. If you have kinky anywhere on your profile, buzz off.
What I’m doing with my life
Working at an insurance company and retail job, volunteering and performing as a a spoken word artist. Also, I’m a really nice, gentle person. You just can’t tell from this profile.
I’m really good at:
Being funny in a super corny way. Talking to myself in public. Word play.
The first thing people notice about me
My facial piercings. Especially my Medusa.
Food: Soul food and Chinese. But I legit will eat almost anything. Every guy I meet is some craft beer snob. I’ll take a sip for the sake of feigning open-mindedness. But THE SHIT IS NASTY, OK? I like cheap ass wine and Seagram’s wine coolers. The girly jams. That’s it.
Six things I can’t live without
This list is ever changing…
Poetry, Grandma, Music, Curse words/SAT words, This asshole cell phone, Google maps
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Finding my happy place. Black lives matter. Trump is a cunt.
On a typical Friday night I am
At a social or artistic event
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I spontaneously cry during cute commercials
You should message me if
You are drama free, baggage free, looking for something real, ***own a car*** (I’m not a chauffer) and want to connect in person quickly.
You eat sleep and breathe art
You like a nice firm cuddle.
You smell like sunshine and rainbows
You acknowledge that I’m not crazy. I’m quirky. Big Diff.
It bothers you that I didn’t put a period after rainbows.
That’s Bailey’s profile.
I like her. 27 years old. As we all know here at phicklephilly that’s my sweet spot. They are all looking for daddy and then want to get married and have kids. Then it’s over. That’s okay. I love meeting them and offering what wisdom I can. At this point since I’m long divorced and Lorelei lives with me I am beyond all of that. I may marry again. But she will be a doctor that will take care of my sorry ass and love me forever.
But for now, I want to meet quirky pierced “Fell asleep face down into a tackle box” baby. She’s going to turn 28 the day after Christmas. No problem meeting and old goat so I’m going to bring in the ’67 Pontiac GTO game I always do. Let’s see what happens. The blog won’t write itself, and the art is all.
Can’t wait to meet Bailey. She seems really nice. In her profile she says she’s thin. That could mean nice legs.
Let’s go with that.
I decide to write the first text on OkCupid. She’s unique so I need to go with something original in my approach. Then I remember she likes “Dad Jokes” So I open with the following:
Waiter: Careful these plates are hot. Me: That’s okay, I’m not really attracted to plates.
She responds. “Gems. I knew you’d have some.”
“Hi Bailey. I loved your profile and you seem absolutely fascinating.”
“Thank you and likewise. I have a special place in my heart for comedians.”
“Me too. I’ve done stand up in the past and it’s terrifying and hilarious. Please tell me more about your spoken word art.”
“I’ve been writing and performing poetry since middle school as well as singing and acting. After high school I stopped performing for years until last year. Now I attend 2 open mics a week and occasionally book paid gigs. It’s my favorite thing in the world. It has brought be a lot of friendships and happiness.”
“That’s awesome! Let’s meet up for lunch one day. What days/times are good for you?”
“Tomorrow I’m available until 6pm. Sunday I have open availability as well.”
“Tomorrow I’m out-of-town. I could meet you after 4pm on Sunday.”
“Okay, that works for me!”
“Wonderful. I’ll find a place to meet up!”
(I provide my phone number)
So we switch over to texting and I’m feeling a good vibe. I think I like this quirky girl. I set up our first date for noodles and snacks at Dan Dan, the sechuen restuarant where my buddy Nate works as a bartender. She likes the idea and I’m going to meet her there Sunday!
So we’ll see what happens.
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