Is Spending Too Much Time Together In A Relationship A Bad Sign? Experts Say Maybe

When you’re in a relationship, it’s easy to lose track of the time you spend with your partner. Whether you’re spending the night at their place all the time, or taking way too many work-from-home days to spend hours in bed with them, it can feel like time doesn’t even exist anymore. So, in this couples’ vortex, is there such a thing as spending too much time together in a relationship? Honestly, it’s confusing, but according to experts, spending some time apart might help you find your answer.

The thing is, relationships are exciting and fun, and there’s nothing wrong with spending ample amounts of time with your significant other as you continue to get to know each other. But there is a line between spending time together and spending all your time together. In order to understand where that line is, it’s important to understand that every couple is different. “First, it’s important to note that ‘too much time’ can look different from relationship to relationship,” Kali Rogers, CEO, and founder of Blush Online Life Coaching, tells Elite Daily. “Some people are simply more extroverted than others, some become codependent too quickly, and others simply don’t know how to create appropriate boundaries. So while in one relationship, seeing each other every day is typical and just fine, in others that would be way too much too soon.”

However, it is totally possible for a couple to be spending too much time together, even though it might not seem like it at first. “If two partners have adequate boundaries, resilience, and interdependence — then too much time probably doesn’t exist,” Rogers says. “There are plenty of couples who work together, live together, and have a family together — and arbitrarily saying that dynamic is unhealthy is short-sighted. The key to determining if too much time is a bad sign is to measure the number of time couples spend arguing together, and how they feel once they do get some separation. If couples feel lost, unstable, or depressed when apart, that’s a sign of codependency.”

Dating. Young couple in love holding hands in summer park outdoor. Back view.

Shutterstock

So really, the best way to determine if you are spending too much time together is to spend some time apart. Can you handle it? If so, you’re probably good, as Rogers says. If not, it might be time to address the issue.

Unfortunately, if you and your partner are codependent, it can present a whole different set of issues. “The reason that time can sometimes contribute to the toxicity of a relationship typically stems from codependency,” she explains. “Instead of tapping into one’s own resilience to combat daily problems, they lean too heavily on someone else for support or solutions. This creates excess strain on the relationship, and a toxic cycle can develop quickly. People become the worst version of themselves and don’t have enough separation in order to gain perspective.”

A codependent relationship is probably not one you want to be in. Psychologist Erika Martinez told Elite Daily that in codependent relationships, “the dependent relies on the codependent to take care of, support, fix, and generally enable him or her. In some cases, the dependent really can’t take care of themselves, and in others, it’s a state of learned helplessness,” she explained. “The codependent does the enabling and grows accustomed to being the one that people (including the dependent) turn to for help. Thus, codependent’s sense of self-worth and self-esteem are often tied to their ability to fix things, be proactive, help others, people-please, etc.”

If this is where you see your relationship headed, consider seeking outside help. Martinez suggested researching “CoDependents Anonymous (CoDA) support groups that meet regularly and many people find helpful.” She also suggested going to therapy, on your own or as a couple, to “[help] to change these interpersonal dynamics for the better.”

On the other hand, if your relationship shows no signs of codependency, and you’re still worried you’re spending too much time together, Rogers advises you quit worrying! “Try not to compare time in your relationship to time on others’ relationships,” she says. “People are wired differently, and time spent together should not be the only marker of progress.” Rather than look at how much time you spend with your partner, try reflecting on how your partner makes you feel. “How do you feel when you are apart? Are you a better person in this relationship? Focus on those questions instead of the number of minutes you two are together, and I believe you will have clearer answers about the state of your relationship.”

There is no one perfect relationship formula, but there is such a thing as spending too much time with your partner when it leads to an unhealthy relationship in the long run. Reflect on the time spent with your partner, how you feel without them, and go from there. You deserve a happy and healthy relationship, regardless of how much time you spend together.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

5 Signs You’re Not Over Your Breakup Yet, So Give Yourself Time

It’s no secret that getting over a breakup takes time, regardless of who ended things. If you just got out of a relationship — especially if you were together for several years — it’s only natural to need a minute (or, you know, a few) to heal and move on. Understanding the signs you’re not over your breakup yet and recognizing them in yourself might help you realize you need a little more time, and there’s nothing wrong with that. After all, moving on doesn’t happen overnight.

While it would be nice to have an exact timeline for when you “should” be fully over someone, that’s not always realistic. Everyone is different. “This truly depends on a couple of things,” Chris Armstrong, founder of the relationship coaching company Maze of Love, previously told us. “If your ex was the one to break up [with you] and you did not see it coming, it could take several months.” On the other hand, “If you broke up with your ex and you had been mulling it over for a bit, it may only take a couple of weeks to a month,” Armstrong said.

If you recognize any of the following signs or behaviors within yourself, it might mean you’re not over your breakup just yet. Don’t be too hard on yourself, because everyone’s different. Trust that you will get there when you get there, and everything will fall into place.

1. You didn’t grieve the end of the relationship.

Dmytro Bilous/ Stocksy

You can’t truly move on from a breakup if you don’t let yourself feel sad, mad, or upset for a while. “Let yourself feel all the emotions,” dating coach Diana Dorell previously told Elite Daily. “Denial is a part of the grieving process, and the end of a relationship really can feel like a death of sorts. Trying to skip over how you feel or distracting yourself from your feelings is only a temporary solution.”

2. You still want to reach out to them.

It is so tempting to text your ex after a breakup, no matter how things ended. So, if you still feel yourself reaching for the phone, there’s a good chance you probably aren’t over the breakup. “Even if you and your ex aren’t communicating, give yourself a timeframe, [during] which you will commit to not reaching out to them in any way,” Dorell said “Once you get to that point, re-commit for another round,” she continued. “You may find that you don’t even have the desire to reach out.”

3. You still check their social media.

Studio Firma/ Stocksy

Social media can make breakups even harder. Being able to see what your ex is up to on a daily basis can make it harder to forget about them. “If you are following your ex on social media, be careful to not stalk their account and do check-ins with yourself to make sure you are not feeling sadness or anxiety from checking their social media pages,” Marline Francois-Madden, LCSW, psychotherapist, and CEO of Hearts Empowerment Counseling Center previously told Elite Daily.

At the end of the day, it might be best to hit that “unfollow” button.

4. You’ve held on to physical mementos.

You probably aren’t over a breakup if you’ve been holding onto something that belonged to your ex. A shirt, book, or blanket can hold too many memories to allow you to really move on. “Have a simple ritual to honor the relationship, and then release any objects that remind you of them. Donate, sell, throw away,” Dorell said.

5. You haven’t taken time for yourself.

In order to get over a breakup, you might need to take some time to love yourself. “One of the most important things to remember during a breakup is that heartbreak affects your physiology and your neurochemistry,” Elle Huerta, CEO and founder of breakup recovery app Mend, previously told Elite Daily. “Going through a breakup feels like going through withdrawal, so it’s really important in the early days to take extra care of yourself — make sure you’re walking or getting a little bit of exercise every day to get happy hormones flowing.”

There’s no real way to rush your way through a breakup, so don’t stress too much if you aren’t completely over the relationship just yet. It takes time and effort. Remember: Try not to reach out, hit “unfollow” if you can, and take care of yourself. Be patient and kind with yourself. Heartbreak is no joke, but with some patience, you’ll get there.

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Relationship Advice 2021: Make these New Year’s resolution to keep your relationship alive and healthy

New Years is the time when everyone is busy making party plans and deciding upon the right new year’s resolution for their lives. We all hope to improve and do better every new year and make our lives more worthwhile. But this is also the time when we want to start a new beginning with a cleaner slate and renew everything in our lives. Now we all make good new year’s resolutions to make our lives more prosperous and positive but there are other things in our lives that need to grow and develop with every new year.

Every couple needs to take time to renew their relationship and refresh it. Our relationships need some extra pampering and love as they grow and develop. It’s essential to ensure that our relationships grow the right way and make us happier and for that, we need to make some extra new year’s resolutions for our love lives as well. Every couple needs to make special resolutions to strengthen our relationship and ensure that we give more importance to our partner and our relationships.

Here are some special new year’s resolutions that every couple should make for a stronger and healthier relationship:

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1. Promise each other that you will find some extra time from your busy schedules and spend time with your partner. This helps a couple get some alone time away from work and family and all the chaos and just be with each other and renew your romance.

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2. Don’t live out your lives doing the same old things that you’ve been doing as a couple. Begin this new year with a promise to try new things with your partner. Travel to new places and go on adventure rides and do all the new things you’ve ever imagined because life is too short and we all need to make some new and good memories with our partners.

a man standing in a rocky area next to a body of water

3. Don’t’ forget to do little things to make everything special for each other and make time to go out on dates together. Being married or in a relationship is not enough reason to not go out on dates. The dates keep the spark and love in your relationship alive.

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4. Don’t forget to take vacations away from the people in your life. Go away for a weekend or just a few days away from everyone just to be with each other.

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5. Remember to always keep the communication alive in your relationship. Don’t shut each other out and avoid conflicts and miscommunication and gaps in your relationship by communicating properly.

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6. Be thankful for having a partner like yours and show some gratitude. Don’t take your partner and the things that they do for you and for the relationship for granted.

a close up of a flower

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

15 Intense Signs of Chemistry that Reveal an Instant Connection

You just met them, but sparks are flying already! But how do you know it’s intense signs of chemistry? Well, it’s time you found out.

If you felt an immediate connection with someone you just met, don’t ignore it. Instead, investigate those emotions because it shows a mutual understanding. What are the intense signs of chemistry you need to remember, you ask? Well, wait no further. I’m about to tell you everything you need to know.

The magic of chemistry

You either have chemistry with someone or you don’t. There’s no in-between and not something you can force. There are some people you just click with, while others turn you off.

There have been a couple of times where I met a guy, and the chemistry was mind-blowing. We couldn’t keep our eyes off each other, the conversation was amazing. It was like we were made for one another.

Okay, fast forward and none of those relationships worked out—except for one, and we’re still together. In other words, intense chemistry isn’t just this feeling of wanting to sleep with someone. It’s also a sign you share something deeper.

What you need to know about the intense signs of chemistry

Sometimes when you really like someone, you can’t tell if they really like you or not. Your mind becomes a little cloudy. Plus, you feel impatient, and I completely understand. So, you want to know if there are intense signs of chemistry between you. Everyone loves a little intensity.

#1 You’re immediately comfortable around them. Usually, when we have a crush, we’re very nervous and uncomfortable around them. But when it’s mutual chemistry, you’re automatically comfortable around them. You feel safe and judgment-free. Remember, chemistry is all about shared energy, and it’s clear you two are vibing.

#2 You can be yourself. Whatever you say, whatever is on your mind, you feel free to say it to them. When we’re uncomfortable, we’re constantly analyzing what we said and what we should say in the future. But when it’s intense chemistry, there’s no pressure to try to be someone you’re not. In fact, you’ve never felt freer than when you’re around them. 

#3 Endless banter. Who doesn’t love the banter with someone they can have a good conversation with? Not everyone loves engaging in small talk, many people want to share a deeper conversation with someone. When the conversation just flows effortlessly, and you feel light, that’s a great sign they understand you on a deeper level.

#4 Eye contact. Never underestimate the importance of eye contact. Most of us communicate non-verbally. When you’re at a bar, how do you know if someone likes you? They look at you. Eye contact is a great way to is if there’s chemistry. If both of you are staring at each other intensely, well, it’s clear there’s something going on.

#5 You get each other’s humor. When you hang out with someone with who you don’t share chemistry, you may not understand their humor and vice versa.

Laughter is one of the best ways to connect with someone, and if you two share a similar sense of humor, well, that’s a sign of intense chemistry. Good chemistry is when you can both laugh together at the same jokes.

#6 It’s all about one another. Whether at a party or out with friends, you’re always focused on each other. You make sure both your needs are being met, and share affection when you can. Chemistry isn’t just about the sexual connection you share; it’s deeper than that. You genuinely care about one another.

#7 Time is relative. When you’re with them, you’re not looking at your watch or checking your phone. When you spend time together, no one is keeping track of the clock. Whether it’s five hours or ten minutes, time flies when you are together. If there’s a real connection, then you are in your own world.

#8 You can’t wait to see them. The minute you leave them, you’re waiting to see them again. The butterflies in your stomach are going wild, and the anticipation is killing you until you see them again. You don’t want to be away from them; you feel like something is pulling you to them every time.

#9 You love to tease each other. You may think teasing sounds childish, but when you’re with someone you like, teasing can be used as a form of flirting. If you share intense chemistry, there’s going to be a lot of flirting. But, that’s not a bad thing, I mean, who doesn’t love flirting with someone they like?

#10 You have butterflies. Your stomach is going wild whether you’re beside them or apart. You’re nervous, in a good way, and your stomach is reminding you of that. If you’re feeling butterflies, don’t ignore that. This is a sign of great chemistry going on.

#11 You annoy each other. But in a Notebook type of way. You will pick on each other for no real reason. Rather, you are testing the boundaries and trying to get a reaction from one another. If you hear people telling you that you’re an “old married couple,” well, you have a real connection going on between you two. 

#12 You can handle silence. There’s an awkward silence, but then there’s a good silence, the silence that’s needed. If you can’t sit beside someone in complete silence and feel comfortable, well, then something is off. Intense chemistry isn’t just about talking. It’s also about how you share those quiet moments together.

#13 The feeling doesn’t go away. If you share intense chemistry, it’s not going away that fast. When two people feel close to one another, that’s a bond that isn’t easy to break. This isn’t a feeling that’s going to just disappear overnight. It’ll last for a long time.

#14 And then there’s sex. I can’t pretend this part doesn’t matter. Intense chemistry is deep, but it’s also sexual. When you are around each other, there’s a constant sexual tension floating in the air. You want to rip their clothes off, and they can’t stop licking their lips when they look at you.

#15 There’s a flow. Here’s the thing, when you are together, things just flow. You feel comfortable; they feel comfortable. There’s nothing forced. And this flow doesn’t usually happen unless there’s intense chemistry, and this is rare. If you feel this flow, then ride the wave and don’t overanalyze it.

Sharing chemistry with someone is an amazing experience and definitely something you need to enjoy. Are you sharing these intense signs of chemistry with someone special?

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

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10 Ways to Shake Things up in Your Relationship

Monotony is defined as the lack of variety and interest. Sooner or later, there comes a point in our lives where life becomes routine. It feels like there’s no fun or excitement left. Whenever someone asks you what’s new, the answer is always, “Routine: same old, same old.” Sometimes, when you wake up in the morning, you feel as if there’s nothing to look forward to. You know exactly how your day is going to pan out from the time you wake up to the time you go to bed.

That’s when you know you’re stuck in a monotonous rut.

There is nothing wrong with having a predictable, disciplined, and stable life. However, sometimes you need to get out of your comfort zone and do something to keep the spark alive. We get so involved in our lives and comfort zones that we don’t make time for any adventures. Remember, adventure may hurt you, but monotony will kill you. The worst type of monotony we can experience occurs in our personal relationships, especially romantic ones. It’s often hard to break away from it, but there are options to try.

Here are 10 ways to shake things up in your relationship to break from the everyday monotony.

1. Communicate

It doesn’t always happen that both parties in the relationship feel the monotony. One person may be very involved in their own routine to even realize how the other person is feeling. Therefore, it is crucial to let the other party know how you’re feeling about the stagnancy in order to work towards making it better.

2. Take Time Out For Each Other

If the monotony has set in, it is important to set time aside for one another. You can spend that time at home or go out, whatever floats your boat. It is essential to break away from the routine and spend time with your significant other without any distractions.

3. Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone

We get so tied up in our everyday life that we can’t imagine what it would be like to get out of our comfort zones to do something. Take up an adventure or something you normally wouldn’t do, get that adrenaline rush that will help bind your relationship together and leave you wanting more.

4. Try A New Activity Together

The world is full of choices. In fact, one is spoilt for choice. Rather than being in the normal work-home rut, try a new activity that your partner and you both enjoy. It could be a new sport, a class, or a hobby. Whatever it is, it will help you look forward to your time with each other.

5. Take A Trip Together

I cannot emphasize how important it is to travel as a couple. From the planning to execution, it will only bring you closer, and more importantly, it will help in getting to know each others’ likes and dislikes a lot better.

6. Surprise Each Other

It is such a wonderful feeling to get a surprise from another person. It doesn’t have to be some grand gesture, but just the thought counts. Rather than always agreeing to what your partner wants or saying “whatever you want” to everything, plan something from start to finish and surprise them. This will bring back the lost spark in your relationship.

7. Spend Time Apart

A happy and successful relationship doesn’t involve two people being joint at the hip. In fact, it’s just the opposite. Having your own set of things to do and then coming back to your partner will help you feel more fulfilled in your relationship. Being in a relationship shouldn’t involve a person losing their identity to become one. In fact, two people need to maintain their separate identities and realize how much they miss each other while spending time apart.

8. Discuss Old Memories

As time goes on, two people who are in a long-term relationship may end up having very few things to talk about. Silence can be troubling to some people and if you are one of them, the best way to talk about new things is by reminiscing about old memories. Sure there must be a lot you would’ve experienced together and talking about it will only bring you closer.

9. Make Deliberate Changes

No two people are perfect and, there have to be things and habits you don’t like about your partner and vice versa. Rather than letting it be as it is, it is a very thoughtful gesture to try and work deliberately towards correcting them. It will make your partner know how much you love and appreciate them.

10. Research

The moment you realize you’re getting stuck in any kind of routine, research things that your partner and you will enjoy together. Try something new every week. It doesn’t need to be something big, just some small thing or activity that will keep you on your toes. It will help you look forward to something and keep things moving.

When monotony strikes in, life becomes complacent. We lose the drive and want to do things differently. We get so stuck in our ways and routine that it becomes hard to break free. However, if we don’t make a change, our relationship will suffer. We will be resentful towards our partner and our relationship for becoming the way it is.

The sooner you can address this issue, the better it will be in the long run. See what works for you. Each person is different, and different things can help break life’s monotony. It’s not fair to let the relationship suffer just become you don’t want to put time and effort to make both your lives better. Remember, it is crucial to prevent a relationship from getting boring.

Put as much effort into keeping your significant other as you did to get them.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

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George – The Rugged Outdoorsman – Part 1

I was having a tough time in middle school. The year was 1977. I didn’t like school or any other part of my life back then. I was a smart kid, but school just wasn’t my thing. To me it was simply happy hunting grounds for bullies and teachers alike.

However, I did have artistic ability and my parents signed me up for Saturday morning art classes at a high school across town. I would take the 26 bus north on Rising Sun avenue to Cottman street, and then get a transfer for the Y bus east up to Northeast High school.

Times were so bad for me that I have few memories from junior high. I think I’ve blocked most of them out to cope and grow as a person. I was skinny, had bad skin, greasy hair, glasses, braces, no athletic ability, and was getting bad grades. For some reason my mom made me wear polyester slacks and black leather buckle shoes to school. All of the other kids wore more casual clothes. I stood out like a sore, swollen, pimple faced, tinsel toothed, thumb.  I was basically a target for anyone who wanted to use me as an object of their scorn.

Just horrible.

It’s funny, when you’re that age and ravaged by puberty, many of your friends suffer from the same ailments. I always had a few loyal friends.

I brought nothing to the table back then, and take responsibility for anything I did, or didn’t do. But I can see now why I was such an enormous disappointment to my parents.

So every weekend, I would go to Saturday Morning Art Classes each week at Northeast High. There was a nice group of kids in attendance, and I met a few of them.

It was a welcome repose from my tortured daily life. It was a pretty laid back experience full of kids like me who enjoyed making art. The structure was loose and creative. I think the teacher’s name was Mr. Gilper. He was a talented, chill dude and always had cool projects for us to create.

They would play the radio during class and I thought that was cool. Back in the Seventies the two big rock stations in Philadelphia were WMMR and WYSP. Now only WMMR remains, but it’s become an incredible bore like most terrestrial radio stations in America. They played most of the popular rock songs of the day, and WMMR did the same, but played a bit more deep tracks. So, if you were a music fan, WMMR was the cooler station. I think DJ Pierre Robert worked there back then and he’s still there to this day.

I met this boy named George and we shared a passion for comics and rock music. He was a nice, gentle kid with kind eyes. I remembered that he liked how I made my own comics and created my own team of superheroes. Deneb-6, Lazar, Midnightess, Cestus, Prince Apollo, and The Prowler come to mind. I can still envision those characters.

We got along well enough, but once the classes were finished, I didn’t see him anymore. He was my art class friend.

I remember one Saturday I came out of class and they were holding a flea market in the parking lot. I browsed the usual junk people were selling at their tables. I saw this one guy had a box of comic books for sale. I had some cash on me, so I bought a few choice books the guy had. There were more that I wanted because I was an avid reader and collector of good comics. I basically spent all the money I had in my wallet on comics with this guy. (Like, $10.)

I got home and showed my dad what I had gotten and that there were more good books there. So my dad being awesome, put me in the car and we went back up there and we got the rest of the books I wanted. The guy had many first issues and I knew they were more valuable than what he was selling them for. My dad was a hard core toy train collector and so he understood my urgency. So that ended up being a great day!

I was 14 in 1977 and in 9th grade, which thankfully was my last year at Fel’s Junior High School. The nightmare was ending and next year I’d be attending Frankford High School. I used to describe 9th grade as the worst year of my life back then. But, that summer turned out to be the year I went from caterpillar to butterfly and everything changed for the better.

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There are more great tales from that summer, but it was a watershed moment in my life. You can find the rest of them in the Search bar under Wildwood Daze. (See: El Morro Motel, Terri,  & Anna Marie)

Anyway, you get the idea. So I get to Frankford High in the Fall of 1977, and the world is a better place for me. It felt like all of the animals who tormented me in junior high all went to Northeast High. Frankford was filled with a better group of kids.

I don’t remember if I ran into George in 10th grade or 11th grade at Frankford. But for this story let’s say 11th grade because it’s the most memorable.

I was 16 now and everything in my life was better. I was getting better grades, my braces were off, I wore cool shirts and jeans to school. My mom let me grow my hair. I was lead singer in a rock band, and my level of cool had gone way up over the Summer.

I was sitting in English class one day and noticed this guy sitting just one seat ahead of me of to my right.

It was George from Saturday Morning Art Classes! By that time, it seemed like a world away. I think he recognized me first and we connected. We shared that class, lunch and gym.

We would draw funny comics about our lives. Not our real lives but a world where we were these cool dudes who played rock and got all the chicks. I mean, in real life I sang in a band and was teaching myself how to play guitar.

You can read the complete saga if you enter the word Renegade in the Search bar.

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George and I would have so much fun laughing at all of our little exploits in our comics. (I still have them all on sheets of notepaper!) We also started having lunch together. I had come such a long way from the little weasel I once was in junior high. I had become friends with the most powerful student in the school. This guy Chris, who my sister Janice had known since 1st grade. He sat across from me in art class. He was not only president of the student body, but quarterback on the champion football team. But he wasn’t a jock. He had all these powers but liked music and had a bunch of nerd friends, and he and I connected immediately. He and my sister were a grade ahead of me, but he took a liking to me and my sense of humor.

So my friend George and I got to sit at the end of the cool kid’s lunch table everyday at 5th period lunch. It was like just a couple of regular guys who got to sit at a table full of celebrities. It all seems funny now, but it was just football stars and hot cheerleaders. But in high school that’s a coveted spot to be in. High School is like a little fictional world you get to act out for a few years before entering real life. It mirrors adult life in some ways, but none of it has any real sustainability for the rest of your real life. I always felt like high school was a show I was on and it lasted three seasons before my character was killed off and I had to move on and find a new gig.

So George and I happily munched our peanut and butter and jelly sandwiches at the end of this table. Not card carrying members, just a couple of B-rate extras.

But, we started to hang out a little bit outside of school. I don’t even know where George lived. I never went to his house. I know he liked to go fishing.

He would come to my house and I think he brought his guitar with him. I was pretty clueless, in regard to the instrument but was eager to learn in the Spring of 1978. I was just the singer in the band, but the guitarist would let me play three notes on the break during the song, Draw the Line, by Aerosmith. (My favorite band on Earth.)

But George could actually play, and he started to show me things on the guitar. I knew where the notes were on the neck of the guitar, but needed some rock n’ roll fundamentals. George had these huge hands and he could reach from the first fret to the sixth, which is basically impossible for most people. It gave him the ability to create complex riff runs that would be unique to his playing.

I was struggling to pull the concepts of the guitar together even though I had a head for music and an excellent ear. I had some books with sheet music and chords in them, and George showed me how to read and follow them. Technically not read music, but enough to understand it.

Sidebar here: Someone once asked one half of the two greatest composers of the 20th century about how he wrote such incredible songs. He stated that he never learned how to read or write music in the traditional way. “I never understood all of those little lines and dots.” he said. “My music simply comes forth from my heart and my head.”

That man was Paul McCartney.

One of the hardest things for a new guitarist to do is to create the muscle memory to hold a chord in place. All of your fingers have to be on the right strings and you have to press them down with enough pressure so that the chord rings and doesn’t sound muted or buzzes against the frets. It’s a difficult feat and takes a while to learn and master. You have to train your mind to get your fingers to just automatically land on the right strings in the right formation to make the right sound. Once you get the chord right and the smile appears on your face, you feel like you’re getting it, and it’s a wonderful feeling. But then you go to move your hand to hit another chord and the whole thing falls apart.

It’s like being a baby and taking your first steps. One step… two steps… oops! Then you fall down. You get up and keep taking steps over and over, and the next thing you know you’re running down the street. Same thing works for learning the guitar. (Or, probably anything in life!)

So, George realized I was a neophyte, and simplified the process for me. He taught me a super basic way to get it done with less fingers and still achieve the same sound.

That style that he taught me, is the basis for twelve bar blues. The boogie woogie chord, he used to call it. With my index finger and ring finger he showed me how to play the chord in a simplified manner. He also taught me how the blues worked and the chord progressions. How certain notes went together. What he was teaching me as we sat in my bedroom, was the foundation of all rock music.

George taught me how to play the blues.

Once I understood what sixth route and fifth route was, I was on my way. That was the evolutionary leap I needed to go forward. I don’t know if I ever told him, but in that moment, George was literally the monolith and I was the ape in 2001: A Space Odyssey. I swear to god… it was on that level. That evolutionary leap.

What George taught me on those afternoons, catapulted my music creativity. The first thing I did, once I understood the basics of rock was to start writing songs. They were simple, and sounded like Ramones songs, but it had begun. My rock and roll life as a musician began thanks to George Schauer.

I know in high school he always thought I was cool, because I knew some hot chicks and had art and humor going. But the boy that gave me his friendship and time were more valuable than anything else in my life at that time.

Thanks to George, when I put that guitar on and started actually playing songs by Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith, Deep Purple, and the Rolling Stones, I had become part of a secret club. Little did I know that my friend who I knew from Saturday morning art classes and English class, had become my mentor.

Once I learned the fundamentals, the rest fell into place and because of my love of the instrument and the music. From what George taught me took me from novice, to rhythm guitarist in the band Union Jacks six months later!

That fifth and six route basic style were the building blocks to some of the heavier riff driven stuff I would go on to write and perform in my future bands. Yes, the building blocks to my heavy metal sound.

I’m sure George didn’t know what he had given me. But he actually gave me his post prized possession.

His time.

That’s the greatest gift you can give someone, because once you give it, you can never get it back.

Thank you, George. You changed my life.

 

After 11th grade my family moved and I had to take my senior year at Wildwood High, which is documented in this blog. (See: Wildwood Daze)

I never saw or heard from George again.

Until now…

 

More tomorrow!

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to Phicklephilly LIVE on Spotify!

3 Signs You Need Space From Your Partner, Because Sometimes You Need A Break

One of the most satisfying parts of having a bae is that there’s always someone around to spend time with. Whether you’re in need of a Netflix and ~chill~ buddy or a date to bring to a family event, being in a relationship ensures that you have someone by your side when you need them. That said, no matter how in love you are, making time for yourself is really important too. Space is something you should never be ashamed to ask for, so if you’re recognizing the signs you need space from your partner, it might be time to have a conversation.

Recognizing these signs doesn’t necessarily mean that something’s wrong with your relationship. It could just be that you’ve been neglecting your needs as an individual, which can start to feel like a major strain on yourself, mentally and emotionally. I spoke with best-selling author and NYC dating expert Susan Winter to find out what you should be looking out for.

“It’s absolutely normal to love someone and also need your space,” Winter tells Elite Daily. “Partnership requires a lot of emotional and mental energy. Being in a relationship also means we’re aware and attentive to our mate’s feelings and needs.” Sometimes in our rush to satisfy others, we forget to take care of ourselves. If you suspect this might be happening to you, here are three signs you could use some you-time.

1. Everything your partner does annoys you.

According to Winter, if you find yourself constantly annoyed by everything your partner does, then there’s a solid chance that it’s time to take a step back. “When we push past our own self-care boundaries, everything our partner does will get on our nerves,” says Winter. It’s not that you don’t love them, but just like being over-exposed to your BFF or even your family can stress you out, there comes a time when you need to do your own thing for a sec.

2. You lash out at them.

“[If] you’re really bitchy [to your partner] no matter how hard you try to be nice,” it could be that you need some time to recalibrate and recharge your emotional battery, explains Winter.

Letting your partner know that you need some space can be tough, so instead, many of us try to keep quiet about our urges to fly solo. But keeping your feelings bottled up makes it easier to take out your frustrations on your SO, which can result in more hurt and confusion in the end.

3. Being around them makes you feel short-tempered and irritable.

“Too much togetherness is suffocating,” says Winter. “We’re going to be impatient and reactive if we haven’t had space to unwind and collect our thoughts. The correct balance of together and alone time is essential for any relationship to thrive.”

If you find yourself feeling tense around your SO for no reason, then it could be a sign that it’s time to have a conversation with your bae about your need for space. However, Winter also notes that if you aren’t communicating with your partner and are instead pulling away, there might be a bigger issue at place.

“You’ll know you’ve got a problem if you get more joy being away from your partner than with them, you find yourself making less and less time to see your mate each week, or you have to force yourself to put on a ‘happy face’ in order to appear normal,” warns Winter.

It’s important to be direct with your partner about how you’re feeling. Communication is essential to a healthy relationship, so there’s nothing wrong with making more time for yourself as long as you let your partner know, so they aren’t in the dark about your needs. A good partner will be supportive and understanding, so don’t be afraid to be honest.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new book, Phicklephilly 2 is now for sale on Amazon!

 

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly

4 Things You Need To Know About Pickable, The New Dating App That’s Giving Women All The Power

When it comes to certain things — OK, maybe everything — we all benefit when women are in charge. And in our opinion, the same thing applies to dating in the digital age. That’s why our ears perked up when we got wind of Pickable, the new app that’s redefining what it means for women to be in control of their dating lives.

And trust us, we, too, have heard it ALL before. We’ve tried the websites that promise to deliver more compatible dates than a matchmaker, we’ve downloaded the apps that pair you based on your most obscure interests, but mostly, we’ve wasted time going back and forth with matches that we have no chance of actually meeting IRL.

But then we met Pickable, which checks the two most important boxes when it comes to online dating: It’s like no app experience we’ve had before (and we’ve had ’em all), AND it gives off major girl power vibes.

Yes and yes, thank you!

Here are 4 things you need to know about Pickable.

1. It’s built on anonymity.

One of the most unique aspects of Pickable is that it’s a totally anonymous experience for women, right up until they come across a guy they want to connect with. Unlike other apps, female users don’t have to worry about less-than-ideal people (i.e. coworkers, exes, the list goes on) coming across their profiles.

Women start by downloading the app and browsing anonymously. That’s right — they don’t have to include a photo, bio, or even their name. Men, on the other hand, create a simple profile with their name and photo, as well as an optional bio.

When a woman sees someone she wants to strike up a convo with, all she has to do is shoot him a photo, which he can either accept and start chatting, or skip and move along.

How easy is that?

2. It will save you time.

Dating apps are a lot of things. One thing they shouldn’t be is time-consuming.

Pickable provides an alternative to browsing profiles ’til you’re blue in the face, and it helps you avoid the dreaded ‘pen pal’ situation where you and your matches talk forever, but never actually meet up in reality.

Women may have anonymity on Pickable, but men also luck out: All they have to do is chill out and wait until they’re notified that someone wants to chat, and from there (if they’re interested) they can engage, and then take the conversation where it should be — offline, ASAP.

No more sending messages out into the void and getting shot down, or worse, not getting a response at all.

3. It cuts out the stuff that doesn’t matter.

With some apps, you’re practically encouraged to build out elaborate profiles with oh-so-clever bios and the *perfect* pictures that show you from all the right angles.

But how much does that stuff actually matter in the long run?

Not much, according to Pickable. With their minimalist profiles for men, and no profiles for women, they’re cutting out all the fluff that usually just ends up complicating things, and getting straight to what’s most important: Meeting up in real life to see if you’re actually compatible.

4. It evens the playing field.

Even though the Pickable experience differs for men and women, a couple crucial things remain the same: Neither can send unsolicited messages, and once a woman’s chat request is accepted by a man, EITHER can send the first message.

This gives both parties the ability to come up with a fun opening line, and makes unsolicited messages from people you’re not interested in a thing of the past.

Want to try out Pickable and see for yourself what all the hype is about? All you have to do is download the app for free (!); it’s available on both iOS and Android. And in the meantime, click here to learn more about how Pickable works to make real connections in the easiest, most fuss-free way possible.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new book, Phicklephilly 2 is now for sale on Amazon!

 

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly

7 Signs Your Relationship Won’t Last, Based On How You Spend Time Together

It’s completely normal to wonder whether your relationship will last. And there are a lot of different indicators about what makes a strong relationship or a weak one, but we often overlook one of the most basic and obvious tells: how do you spend your time together?

Now, that’s assuming you are spending time together. Because if you disagree on how much time you should be spending, that’s a problem on its own. “If you find that you are constantly negotiating how often you want to be together, it’s not a great sign,” relationship therapist Aimee Hartstein, LCSW, tells us, “It suggests that there’s a disparity in what you both want this relationship to be. One of you is likely to be pushing for something more serious and the other is likely wanting something very casual. Either option is fine, but the disparity can cause problems.”

So let’s assume that you’re spending an amount of time together that both of you are comfortable with — so what do you have to look for? Well, there are a lot of different signs as to whether or not you’ll make it in the long run. Here’s what you have to look for, based on how you spend time together.

1. You Can Never Decide How To Spend Time Together

How you spend time together can give you a big clue into your relationship health.

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

You know those days where you get caught in a horrible cycle talking about what restaurant you should go to or if you should see a movie? If that happens too much, it may be a bad indicator for the long term.

“If you have trouble determining how you do want to spend time tighter, it can also be a problem,” Hartsein says. “You can’t expect a partner to have the exact same interests as you do, but if you have very different ways of spending your time and trouble finding common ground, it could be an issue. If one of you is a homebody and the other one always wants to be out socializing, it will likely be an issue!”

Sure, some things you’ll do by yourself and some days you’ll both be indecisive, but figuring out how to spend time together shouldn’t be too stressful. If you never can figure out what to do with your partner, that’s a sign.

2. You’re Distracted

Are you actually in the moment? I’ll give you one guess what the biggest culprit here is — that’s right, phubbing. If you’re snubbing your partner for your phone when you spend time together, it’s not a good sign. In fact, a study of 450 people from Baylor University found that 46 percent had been phubbed by a partner — and 22 percent said it was the primary source of their arguments.

“You might be a phubber if time away from your phone, even for a minute or two, results in serious anxiety,” Jonathan Bennett, relationship/dating coach and owner of The Popular Man, tells us. “You can’t fully focus on the person talking to you because you’re worrying that you’ll miss a text, Instagram post, or that new person viewing your Snapchat story.”

If this sounds like you — or your partner — may be the problem. Now, you don’t need to panic — a lot of us struggle with our phone use, after all — but if you put the phone away and find things strained and awkward, pay attention to that.

3. You Can’t Be Quiet Together

Being able to spend time quietly together is a great sign.

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

At first, your relationship might feel like fireworks and sparks all the time — and that’s great. But over the long term, a sustainable relationship has to have its exciting moments and its quiet ones.

“Most people feel awkward and fill the silence with non-stop chit-chat or annoying questions,” relationship coach and psychic medium Melinda Carver tells us. “Let’s say you are walking in the woods and resting at a waterfall — if you two can enjoy the moment together silently, you are enjoying a companionable silence.”

If you and your partner are constantly needing to fill that silence, you may not be comfortable enough with each other to make it in the long haul.

4. You Have To Be Attached At The Hip

When you’re out with other people, how needy are you? “I have noticed that those couples that have felt the most comfortable and secure with their partner show it in the form of trust,” dating expert Noah Van Hochman tells us. “This can be seen when you are at a party or event together where your partner is not tracking your every movement, but instead allowing you to do whatever it is that will make you smile without the need to crowd you.”

Sure, you might get very serious about your relationship in the early days, but at some point you both need a sense of independence and autonomy. If you feel like you need to be right at each other’s side, there may be trust or co-dependency issues.

5. You Distract Yourselves From The Big Issues

In a strong relationship, you should feel like you can talk about anything.

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

You should be able to talk about pretty much anything with your partner. If you spend your time together skating around big issues or just in total denial, that’s not a healthy relationship. “One clear sign that your partner feels at ease around you is that they feel comfortable talking about anything with you,” Shlomo Slatkin, who founded the Marriage Restoration Project with his wife, Rivka, tells us.

Make sure that your time together isn’t just burying your head in the sand. If you feel like there a certain things you can’t voice to your partner, that may be a sign that they’re just not the right fit for you.

6. It’s All Work And No Play

How often do you laugh together? If your time together doesn’t involve laughing or letting go, that can be a pretty depressing relationship to maintain. “Give yourself permission to be silly — it’s easy to take relationships way too seriously,” says Bennett. “You don’t always have to be on your best behavior. Sometimes, it’s OK to simply have mindless laughter and goof around with your significant other.” In fact, it’s healthy.

My mom always says if you’re swimming upstream you’re going the wrong way — of course relationships have tricky moments from time to time, but if it always feels like work then maybe you just aren’t a great fit.

7. It’s Just Default Time

It's important you and your partner spend meaningful time together.

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

Spending time together can come in a lot of forms — and if yours is always default time and never a date night, it may just be that you’re taking each other for granted. “It takes work to keep the romance alive and the couple has to make a conscious decision to put this work in,” Ravid Yosef, dating and relationship coach at LoveLifeTBD.com, tells us. “Schedule regular date nights that do not include your couch or PJs.”

It’s totally natural to spend some time zoning out in the same space — it just shouldn’t be all the time. Sometimes, making the effort can make all the difference.

The way you and your partner interact and spend time together is a good indicator of how things will go in the long haul. But as long as you’re being present, making time for each other, having fun, and communicating, then you should be on the right track.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new book, Angel with a Broken Wing is now for sale on Amazon!

 

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly

8 Reasons You’ve Stopped Having Sex in Your Relationship-And How to Address It

THESE ARE THE MOST COMMON ROMANTIC ROADBLOCKS YOU MIGHT ENCOUNTER.

As a therapist who specializes in modern love and studies the science behind connection, I inquire about the sex lives of dating individuals and couples constantly. What I hear in my sessions mirrors recent data, which indicates an upward trend in the number of U.S. adults who reported having no sex in the past year. That number peaked at 23 percent in 2018, according to a report from the General Social Survey.

Social scientists, psychologists, and economists have weighed in on rationales for the “sex recession,” citing everything from the increase in social media and phone use to newfound awareness of unwelcome and assaultive sex. And while there are surely societal influences that may be impacting our sex lives at large, there are also elements that are unique to our individual relationships. That said, here are some of the most common interpersonal reasons people in relationships stop having sex, as well as how to address them.

1. You focus on cultivating intimacy but not desire.

Desire, our capacity to succumb to our pleasures without guilt or shame, is selfish by definition. On the contrary, long-term relationships are built on mutual respect and mindfulness of the other person’s needs. In order to have a thriving sex life, we must wrestle with the contradictions between our values and our innate desire. Intimacy thrives on security and stability, while desire feeds off newness and is stifled by routine.

One intervention is to find opportunities in your relationship to be sexually transgressive. Consider writing or stating an erotic fantasy to your partner. Identify a new space (room, city, state) to have sex in. Simply talking about breaking the rules, even if you don’t actually break them, can invite a playful and adventurous spirit into your sexual connection.

2. You don’t spend enough quality time together.

In 2010, research from the National Marriage Project found that couples who spend time alone with each other at least once a week are 3.5 times more likely to enjoy above-average levels of sexual satisfaction than spouses who did so less frequently.

Investing time and energy in your relationship promotes a connection and could lead to increased sexual satisfaction. If life feels “too busy” to carve out this time, consider scheduling date nights or sex like you would a meeting or workout class, to ensure it is prioritized.

3. You don’t know what you want—or how to ask for it.

Experiencing pleasure requires that we have a clear sense of what we want. Pleasure is sometimes viewed as self-indulgent and narcissistic, two qualities that most people don’t want to be defined by and therefore resist exploring. But instead of judging our preferences, we must own them. Masturbating on a regular basis can help nurture a relationship with ourselves. Through experimentation, we can identify what feels good and how we like to be touched.

It is our right to have our needs met—and clearly stating our sexual preferences to our partners is like giving them the road map to helping achieve that. Show or tell your partner how to satisfy your needs. You’ll both be better off for it (and so will your relationship).

4. You’re not comfortable with your body.

Several aspects of body image, including weight worries, sexual attractiveness, and preoccupations about the body during sex, predict sexual satisfaction in women, according to 2009 research published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine. Men are also impacted by these concerns; one 2016 study published in Psychology of Men & Masculinity found that around 20 percent of “normal” weight men report hiding an aspect of their body during sex.

This evidence suggests that it is not our bodies themselves that impact our gratification, but rather our feelings toward them. Implementing positive self-talk has not only proven to increase confidence but also to internally remodel the negative grooves in our brains. Additionally, building awareness of what we allow into our field of view by limiting our intake of body “inspiration” on social media can positively impact our self-concept.

5. You’re experiencing a life transition.

In all rites of passage—consider the shift from childlessness to parenthood, singlehood to coupledom, married to divorced, or rebuilding after an affair—there are role exits and entries, where we must let go of an old identity in order to inhabit a new one. Anxiety, depression, and inner conflict tend to ensue when we experience a role transition. Walking into the unknown, even if it’s the most beautiful uncharted territory, is going to ignite fear.

The primordial human response to fear is to self-protect and clamp up. Normalizing this transitory period by removing expectations to behave like you “used to” or “do better” may help you relax and therefore open up sexually. Start by executing small and approachable sensual acts that will support you and your partner in building a track record of success. Couples that view their sexual narratives as continuous know that transition periods are chapters and not endings.

6. Your sex life is a reflection of another impasse in your relationship.

Our sex lives can be a barometer for other roadblocks in the relationship. For example, if you’re constantly being told that what you’re doing is wrong, you may notice a decreased attraction to your partner. Power struggles outside of the bedroom bear down on what transpires beneath the sheets. Underneath each criticism we have about our partners is a wish, an unmet need longing to be granted. To break the negativity cycle, begin to phrase your disapproval as requests. When we state our desires with intention and vulnerability, making it about ourselves rather than others, there is a higher likelihood that they will be well-received and met.

7. Your technology addiction is inhibiting your sex drive.

Modern life provides ample material for stimulation. Having more modes of conveniently accessible distraction on our smartphones can intercept our appetite for human connection. Start to build cognizance of when, where, and how long you are using your phone. Get curious about how your engagement with technology may be distracting you from stressors in your life or impacting the quality of your face-to-face relationships.

Making intentional decisions to engage and disengage from technology—such as removing TVs, laptops, and phones from the bedroom space—may help you have more satisfying experiences with both your digital and human interactions. Keeping the bed sacred for sleep and sex can train the brain to associate this place with these two acts, increasing the likelihood of both.

8. You’re not in the mood (for a variety of reasons).

A lack of sexual desire may be influenced by physiological challenges, psychological issues, or a combination of the two. Certain health conditions, like diabetes, or medications, like anti-depressants, may impact how turned on you feel. Life stressors, subsequent worries, low self-esteem, and a history of sexual abuse can all promote sexual distance. Expressing these mind and body experiences to a trusted partner, friend, or therapist may reduce their grip on the sexual connection.

On top of sharing our truths, building scientific knowledge about how our bodies are wired, may reduce guilt and shame related to low desire or arousal. The sexual response cycle that we witness in movies and other forms of entertainment—which is desire, arousal, and then orgasm—does not align with most of our lived experiences. In consensual sex, many of us do not feel desire or arousal until the act begins. Meanwhile, some individuals may not even be seeking physical satisfaction with sex, but rather emotional closeness. Reducing the pressure to achieve orgasm may enable couples to enjoy more aspects of the journey.

Approaching our sex lives as living, and therefore malleable, gives us permission to change the dynamic at any time. Having the will to revisit the erotic narrative in a relationship encourages us to look deeper into our own desires and those of our partners, having the potential to lead to more and better sex. And if you’re not sure if your sex slowdown is a bigger issue than you might think.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new book, Angel with a Broken Wing is now for sale on Amazon!

 

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly

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