How to Get Women to Approach You

Since #MeToo a lot of men have asked me how they’re supposed to flirt with women when every first move might be interpreted as harassment. I tell them to sit tight. Men should be nervous about approaching women, but that doesn’t mean you can’t take steps to make them feel more comfortable approaching you by looking as normal and inoffensive as possible.

Like my friend Rob (not his real name).

As soon as we walk into a bar—or a Sweetgreen, or an elevator, or a CVS—the attention of the women in the room shifts, subtly, to Rob. Eyes leave conversations to dart his way. Hair is tossed. Bodies twist ever so slightly toward him in their chairs, like sunflowers. It’s like the moment in World War Z before all the zombies start climbing one another to get over the wall to where the humans are hiding. I usually lose him in a CGI anthill of women after about half an hour. But he hardly has to do anything at all.

Rob is attractive—in a down-the-middle way, like the grown-up version of the most popular guy in high school if he hadn’t let himself go in college—but more than that, he’s extremely approachable. He manages to convey that he’s single, straight, and friendly through what he wears, how he acts, and even how he stands. I studied Rob for months until I had cataloged his charms. Then I called a summit of women to help me assemble a guide to approachability. These are our findings.

STEP 1: Dress Down—But Not Casual

When I suggested to Rob that he dresses “for women,” he agreed, with one qualification: “I dress to be comfortable,” he told me. I’d argue that dressing for comfort and dressing for women are the same thing. So would my friends.

I studied Rob for months until I had cataloged his charms. Then I called a summit of women.

“I’d also probably feel more confident walking up to a guy who’s dressed more casually. Fancy businessmen can be intimidating,” said Kaila, 29. “I’ve also used an interesting piece of clothing as a means of hitting on guys. It’s an easy conversation starter.” Break out those novelty tees, gentlemen.

Shannon, 29, suggested that men’s clothes should be “comfortable but also fresh” and pointed to comedian Hasan Minhaj as a reference. I’d never investigated Minhaj’s sartorial choices, but a quick Google search revealed some spooky similarities to Rob’s (cue X-Files theme). Both men dress down, but upscale down: They often wear white sneakers, but the sneaks are very clean; they generally wear jeans, with a T-shirt or sweater, but everything fits well and is in good condition—no wrinkles, stains, or holes. Their clothes are unintimidating, but not frumpy.

STEP 2: Bring a Buddy . . .

Having a friend or two around also makes you look less like a murderer. (Although, Shannon pointed out, a man who is “comfortably alone,” reading or somehow occupying himself, is very approachable.)

“If a guy is around a bunch of guys, it’s a good sign that he has friends and isn’t just prowling around a bar like a weirdo,” said Sophia, 26, adding that she’ll usually wait for a guy to separate from the herd—by taking a solo trip to the bar, for example—before she approaches. “I’m not going to talk to four guys when I just want to talk to one.”

The smaller your group, the more approachable you’ll be. “If it’s just him and a buddy, I’d probably be more likely to chat him up than if he’s in a large group of guys,” Eliza, 32, agreed, “especially if there are women in the group.”

STEP 3: . . . But Not a Lady Buddy

Rolling with female friends definitely makes other men jealous, but it also makes women less likely to approach you: We have no way of knowing whether that beautiful woman to your left is your friend or your girlfriend, and we’re not going to risk her wrath by shooting our shot.

STEP 4: Make Yourself Physically Available

As a little woman, if I’m going to approach a man, I have to see a clear path to him. My worst fear is that I’ll try to break into a phalanx of men to talk to one and none of them will hear me, so I’ll have to say “hey” progressively louder until I shout “hey” so loudly that the whole bar goes quiet and looks at me.

Nobody wants to talk to the brooding bad boy in a bar.

“I don’t want to have to come up from behind and awkwardly tap someone on the shoulder,” Kaila said. It can feel like “Hello, it’s me. Short lady. Down here. I swear I’m an adult.” Leave some space between you and your friends, and only sit down if there’s an open seat next to yours.

STEP 5: Don’t Be Sad

Women like the brooding bad boy onscreen (call me, Marlon Brando circa 1951), but nobody wants to talk to the brooding bad boy in a bar. Almost every woman polled in my grand summit of babes said she would not approach a man unless he was smiling a lot and having a good time—unless, in other words, he looked friendly and easily charmed.

Observe Rob: He begins to disseminate friendliness as soon as he walks into a bar. He jokes with the bouncer, he smiles at the bartender, and then he just sort of cases the room, beaming, for a minute. It puts everyone at ease. “I’m not approaching a guy who isn’t smiling. It just feels too dangerous to talk to a man who is serious, quiet, and trying to be cool,” Sophia said. “I’m not trying to get murdered.”

STEP 6: Remain Alert . . .

Use your friends to look less broody, but don’t get totally caught up in their chat. “One thing that has kept me from approaching a man is the feeling that I will be interrupting a conversation, or his enjoyment of whatever game he’s watching on the bar TV,” said Ashley, 29. “When I’ve approached men, it’s usually when they’re participating in a conversation but not engrossed in it, or when they’re watching something but also frequently checking in with what’s happening elsewhere in the room.”

“It just feels too dangerous to talk to a man who is serious, quiet, and trying to be cool.”

Women are very skilled at half participating: I’ve had many long, wonderful conversations with my female friends in which we all half-assedly throw in contributions every couple seconds while scoping the room. We may have arrived at a solution to world hunger during one of these discussions. We’ll never know. Nobody was paying attention.

STEP 7: . . . But Chill

While you’re having your half-assed but very enjoyable (smile!) conversation with your small group of wingfriends, be sure not to get too loud. In middle school, being loud and boisterous was a great way to signal confidence and get girls’ attention. In adulthood, being loud and boisterous suggests immaturity. It also suggests that you’re drunk. One of the cruel contradictions of flirting is that alcohol, which makes you feel comfortable approaching someone, also makes women less likely to approach you. So order a soda with bitters and sit tight. If you create the right impression (that you’re a nonmurderer with fun friends and clean clothes), the women will come.

 

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22 Signs a Married Man is Flirting with You

He is married, charismatic and matured. And these signs indicate that he is flirting with you.

We all know men flirt, but don’t we at times wonder why do married men flirt? Every time a man, who is married already with a family, flirts with a woman she feels lost. She struggles to diagnose his reason and nature of attention. Is he unhappy? Is she provocative? Is it the chase or she simply looks easy to land in bed with? Is he genuine? While every human loves attention, when it comes to married men being very nice to members of opposite sex, it could mean something else. There is a thin line between him being nice and helpful to you, and flirting with you in a way that you don’t even realize being carried away.

Why complicate your life by becoming involved with a married man? He is already committed to another person and has made a promise to love his wife forever. But now he is breaking the promise by showing interest in you. He is lying to his spouse and breaching her trust. Don’t you think he will repeat the same behavior when he is in a relationship with you in the future? Think about all this carefully before reciprocating.

This married man flirting with you could be anyone in your life: he might be your work colleague or boss; he might be your neighbor or the parent of the kids you tutor. No matter how much attention he gives, you have to stand firmly and avoid getting trapped in this tricky relation. Knowing whether the married man is flirting or just being nice will help you understand how to deal with him and how to act around him.

Why do married men flirt?

For a majority of married men, flirting is just a pastime – more to feed their desire of being wanted. In any way, flirting is always an indication of a dishonest behavior, shaking the very foundation of a committed married life. Married men flirt for diverse reasons, and not always to have sex. They just want to see how attractive they are even after marriage. They want to boost their self-esteem and confidence. Some of them might be bored of their present married life, so they want variety and spice in their life. Some may want sex, while some may just flirt harmlessly to gain attention and be popular among the women. However, there might be a few married men who genuinely get attracted to another girl and flirt to develop a relationship with her.

man flirting

How to tell if a married man is attracted to you?

It is essential that you be sure of the fact that the married man is attracted to you. So that with this piece of information, you will be able to decide wisely whether you want to actually develop a relationship with him or set a limit to the interaction you have with him. The choice is ultimately up to you.

Sometimes married men just flirt with single women without crossing the line to infidelity. When it comes to flirting, actions speak louder than words. Here are certain flirting body language signs which you can look for to know what is actually going on in his mind and heart.

  • He will stare at you most of the time, hold your gaze and even look embarrassed if you notice him staring at you
  • Whenever he talks to you or vice versa, his body will be turned towards you
  • He may position himself in such a way that he looks taller than you and you get the impression of him being stronger
  • The married man will keep fidgeting unconsciously or consciously, when he is talking to you
  • He will always maintain eye contact with you
  • He may touch his hair and blink more when talking to you. In a group setting, he may fix his gaze on you again and again indicating his interest
  • He will always try to touch you to show his affection
  • The married man might also try to mirror every move that you make

These are just a few of the body language signs which might help you. However, if you are interested in other signs then please read on.

22 signs married man is flirting with you

Married men often know how to charm other women, even though their wives keep on cribbing for their attention. So how do you know and differentiate between someone nice and someone looking for an opportunity? Getting to know about the true intentions of a married man will allow you to escape a complicated relation and explore other eligible options out there. Therefore, pay heed to the following 22 signs a married man likes you more than a friend, so that appropriate action can be taken.

1. He will make excuses to be around you

Even if he has nothing to do with you, he will just try to spend as much time around you as possible. It could be helping you, or taking help from you. He may befriend your friends so that he can get into your inner circle.

2. He will always initiate conversations with you

You will notice he always talks to you politely, asking you how the day is going and what your plans are for the weekend. Married men often initiate conversations, as it is the only way in which they will get to flirt with you and know you better.

3. He will get too personal while talking to you

If a married man talks to you about your interests, family, etc. in general as a courtesy, then it is okay. But if he gets overtly interested in your personal life, then you can predict that he is interested in you.

man saying in ears

4. Your dating life will become his topic of interest

On a regular basis, he will try to ask about your dating life and whether you like anyone or not. If you have a boyfriend then he will probably be interested in how you two spend time together and so on.

5. He will compliment you frequently

A married man who is flirting with you will make it a point to praise you as and when possible. He will keep complimenting your smile, your dressing style, and your personality, etc. just to make you happy.

6. He will be humorous around you

His jokes will be aimed at making you laugh so that you are charmed by him. These jokes will be personal and you will get an idea that he is trying to flirt with you using those jokes.

7. He will laugh and attentively listen to what you have to say

There will always be a smile on his face while talking to you and he will be really attentive while listening to you. This shows that he genuinely is interested in you.

8. Texting you on a daily basis will become his habit

He will text you to know what you are doing, where you are and when will you meet him. Also he might send texts with hidden messages of love for you.

9. Your social media profile will be flooded with his comments and likes

Through comments and likes on your photos and posts on social media websites, the married man will try to subtly flirt with you so that others do not notice it.

10. He will keep gifting you things

The office flirting married man might give you a specially customized pen or key chain, anything to show you that he is thinking about you.

man giving gifts

11. He will never wear his ring when you are around

Whenever he meets, you will notice that his wedding ring is gone. By not wearing his ring when you are around, he is actually inviting you to develop a relationship with him.

12. He will change his attitude towards you in front of his wife

In front of his better half, he will act distant and show less warmth towards you. He will change the tone of his voice as well, so that his wife does not catch him flirting with you.

13. The married man will keep inviting you for dinners and luncheons

In this way, he will make sure that he can keep in touch with you and have you around him at all times. He will even suggest taking you out for lunch, snacks or dinner as and when you have free time.

14. He will value your likes and dislikes

Through his conversations with you, he will try to know your likes and dislikes. After that, he will present himself in such a way that he becomes compatible with you.

15. He will get jealous pretty easily

Since he is married and not able to commit to you openly, he will get extremely jealous if anyone else approaches you romantically.

16. Complains about his married life in front of you

If the married man happens to sulk over his married life and tells you about all his married life issues then it means he likes you.

17. His behavior is different when he is alone with you and when he is in public

Publicly, he will act all professional and cool with you. But privately when he meets you when you are alone, he will try to be touchy-feely and extra sweet.

18. He will keep checking you out

Whether you are available for a relationship or not, the married man who wants to flirt with you will keep checking you out and stare at you when you are not looking.

19. He will make you run errands for him

Just the thought of you doing something for him will give him enough satisfaction. He will ask you for favors in such a charming way that you will not be able to refuse.

20. He will try to impress you with his looks

Obviously, the married man knows that his competitors are the single eligible bachelors in the dating world. So he will keep trying to impress you with his looks and outward appearance.

21. He will get nervous around you most of the time

As he wants to avoid doing or saying something that might upset you, he will be very careful and nervous around you. He will take utmost care to avoid any talks about his family when you are around.

22. To a certain extent you will not be comfortable around him

As a girl, you will understand when he is trying to flirt with you. A sense of uneasiness may set in and you may not find his presence around pleasing. So, visibly you will not be comfortable around him.

How to handle a married man flirting with you?

Having a relationship with a married man will leave you all alone and devastated in the long run, especially if he fails to commit to you. Therefore, avoid getting involved with a married man. Once you notice the signs, keep your distance and act accordingly. If possible, have a chat with him and let him know clearly that you are not interested. It will be embarrassing and awkward, but it is a conversation you cannot avoid.

On the other hand, if you have feelings for him as well, then tell him you are not ready to be the second woman in his life. After that, wait for his actions; if he genuinely likes you, he might end his relationship for you. But ask yourself this – do you really want to break a family which has been together for years? We are sure you do not want that. However, if things really do not work out between the married man and his wife and they get a divorce, then you can think about him.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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Flirting While in a Committed Relationship: What You Need to Know

Part of being human is the need for attention, but is flirting while in a committed relationship a breach of trust, or simply a bit of fun?

No matter how you look at it, flirting while in a committed relationship is always a touchy subject – is it acceptable, or frowned upon? Can you actually define it? Or gasp, can you honestly completely avoid it or walk through life with your horse blinders on, in a world where there are a million ways to reach out and bat your eye at someone?

Picture the scene, you’re sat at a cafe with your friends, chatting and drinking coffee and suddenly someone tells you that they saw your partner flirting with someone else whilst out around town a few nights ago.

How would you feel?

Shocked, upset, betrayed?

All of those emotions would be completely right on the money, but if nothing actually happened, and it was simple flirtation, would it be wrong?

Welcome to a huge grey area!

Flirting while in a committed relationship – Wading through the grey area

Flirting while in a committed relationship is fine in some people’s eyes and totally off limits in others. Personally, I wouldn’t like it if my partner was flirting up a storm with someone else, whether they meant to do it or not. The problem is, what you might consider to be flirting, they might simply consider friendly joking. There are so many fine lines here and so many of them are different shades of red.

A story of not being right, and not being wrong

This happened to a friend of mine a short while ago and I actually witnessed the apparent flirtation. ‘Apparent’ isn’t actually the right word to use, because there was nothing apparent about it, it was as clear as day. I had a friend with me at the time and we agonized over what to do – should we tell our friend that her boyfriend had been flirting up a storm, or should we just let it go?

This actually caused a heated debate between the two of us, because I felt it was wrong to flirt the way he did, but she felt it was nothing to become that upset about, because it clearly had no intention behind it.

My argument was this – how can you tell if flirting has an intention behind it or not? You’re not in that person’s head, you can only judge the situation based on what you see and hear.

In the end, we told her. I just couldn’t not tell my friend, and do you know what her reaction was? She wasn’t bothered. She said that she knew her boyfriend was quite the flirt and she’d actually been sat with him in the past when he’d done it; apparently he doesn’t even realize he’s being flirty, he thinks he’s being friendly.

That wouldn’t have done for me, but then again, we’re all different.

What’s your take on this?

You see, the way I always look at things is to ask how I would feel if it happened to me. Before I do anything, most of the time, I think ‘if this was the other way around, how would I feel?’ That normally tells me whether what I’m doing is okay in my eyes or not.

You could argue that flirting is healthy, because it is fun, and we’re told to have as much fun in life as possible. My argument is if that’s the case, why can’t you flirt with your partner? That would still be fun!

As you can probably tell by my stand on this, I think flirting while in a committed relationship is a huge no. Am I right? I’m right in my eyes, but I don’t pretend to be the world’s last decision on rights and wrongs!

A personal choice of flirting

The best way to approach this is to figure out where you stand on it yourself. You have to live your life by your own ideas and values. Take my friend for example, she flirts whilst she’s at work, in a predominantly male environment, and she doesn’t think she’s doing anything wrong, because she loves her partner. Clearly her partner does the same, and they’re both okay with it. It works for them.

That’s great for them. Would it work for you?

Why do we need to flirt with other people?

I did a straw poll of my friends on this subject, both male and female, and they came up with these suggestions.

– Flirting while in a committed relationship can stop things getting stale and boosts excitement.

– It can stop one partner *or both* from feeling trapped in a long-term relationship.

– It gives an ego boost and makes them feel good about themselves.

– When you do it, it can keep your partner on his or her toes.

Do you agree with those reasons? I have to admit that I’m a little on the fence, if I’m honest.

Do you need a third person to excite you?

Firstly, I totally understand that in a long-term relationship things can get a little same old, same old on occasion, but surely you should be boosting excitement together, and not apart? There are plenty of ways to stop things from getting a little stale – have you not seen Fifty Shades of Grey?!

Secondly, are you supposed to feel trapped in a relationship? I personally think if you feel trapped there’s something a little wrong going on. I get that you might need an ego boost on occasion, I do, but I tend to do that by buying a new dress, rather than heading off to flirt with the nearest single male. Finally, you want to flirt with someone else to keep your partner on their toes? Seriously?! I can think of far better ways.

There are many who think that flirting is part of a healthy life and that it bears no reflection on the state of their long-term relationship. Maybe that is true, but would the flirting partner feel the same if their boyfriend or girlfriend was doing it too?

I’m inclined to think not.

The jury is out – Here’s what I think

Whether or not you deem flirting while in a committed relationship to be totally fine or a big red cross, that’s really a personal deal. I think that is the best way to address the issue. What we do need to talk about however is whether your partner feels the same about your standpoint.

For instance, maybe you see no issue with it, but maybe your partner is deeply hurt by it. In that case, it doesn’t make it right, does it? The best way to address this now is to make sure that you’re both on the same page. If you both feel the same about a little harmless flirting every now and again, well, who am I to judge? That’s fine, because you’re not hurting anyone and you’re both aware that it means nothing.

The big problem hits when one partner thinks it’s fine and the other doesn’t. If they continue to do it knowing that it hurts their partner, that’s a major, major red line. If they do it because they don’t know that their partner doesn’t like it, that’s a communication issue that needs to be fixed.

Maybe the answer to all of this is a need to sit down and actually talk to each other.

What’s the intention behind the flirting?

The other issue is how you can judge an intention. I totally get that innocent flirting without an intention to take it further and with no attached feelings whatsoever, no attraction or anything, is just that, pretty innocent flirting.

But, how do you know that is the case? Does the other person *the flirtee, if you will* know that’s the case? Or, more likely, do they think this guy or girl likes them and perhaps they’re onto something? In that case, surely another person is going to get dragged into the whole mess and will end up getting hurt too. All because you needed an ego boost.

Can you see how messy this might become?

Maybe it all comes down to what you deem flirting to be. A flirty wink, a brush of the arm *accidental, of course*, or a quick suggestive remark as a one off, is probably fine. But, repeated flirting with the same person? For me, that’s more than flirting and that has an intention of some kind behind it.

Flirting while in a committed relationship is certainly an area for debate which is likely to run and run. The only way to really answer the question is to focus on how it feels to you. Only then can you really the answer the question of whether it is a yes or a no.

 

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Sun Stories: Olivia – Flirt – Part II

Another tale of one man’s journey navigating his way through the dating scene in Philadelphia.

From time to time over the summer, Olivia would come in and chat a little bit before her sessions and it was a small slice of paradise for me. Don’t get me wrong, there are dozens of women that come in the spa every day that are really good talent. But there is just something about a small percentage of them that just light me up. I think what it comes down to is, they are obviously attractive but there is something else. They have to be a little engaging. We have hundreds of active clients right now, and I would say under 20 really do it for us. Olivia would talk about her life a little and how she is dating some guy but it’s not working out. (Me, so happy when I hear that!)

One day a former colleague of mine was in town to meet me for lunch. After lunch he wanted to go to the spa. Yes, the same one where I work part-time. We get there and the waiting room is packed. The Temple girls are all going back to school, so they are all back for their treatments. He grabs the last seat and I’m just standing there surrounded by all of these women sitting around waiting. Who walks in but Olivia. She walks right up to me and hugs me. “Where have you been all of my life.” I swear she said that. We’re chatting and to me everyone in the room disappeared. I saw only her. The loveseat opened up when a few of the girls were being waited on, and Achilles from behind the counter says “Will you two sit down!” We laugh and she says “Yes Dad!” And I say, “Dad, you’re embarrassing me!” We takes a seat and she’s telling me about school, and work and stuff, and I’m loving it. This is the high point of the day. She tells me she is working this Friday, and says I should come up and visit her. She says she’s hostessing so she’ll be able to chat all night. I tell her I’ll see. She goes tanning, then off to work.

Of course I don’t go. After working at the spa until 8pm and then cleaning up, I’m ready to just go home and have a drink, and watch Netflix. I’m not getting on the train and going all the way up to Fishtown at 9pm. Not happening.

A week passes and it’s the next Friday, and who comes strolling in at 7:30. Olivia. She looks amazing as always. The great thing is, it’s dead on Friday nights and we can chat. The first thing she says is, “Somebody was supposed to come visit me last week and never did.” I apologized and explained why and she was fine with it. Her phone died and I told her I had a charger. She comes around the counter to plug-in and starts showing me all of these pictures of her family. Of course they are all Aryan greatness, and she tells me everyone has blue eyes. It’s a big family. I think like 5 kids! All good-looking. I’m looking at her beautiful face right next to me and her lashes are so long, and I simply adore her. I’m mesmerized by her beauty.

She glances past me at the other computer and asks what that is on the screen. I was working on phicklephilly on the other unit. I admit that I write this blog about people I meet in Philadelphia. She inquires deeper, and I admit that it’s about all of the women I have met in the last 10 years. She says she wants to read it and I should send her the link. I’m completely under her power at this point, but see a wonderful opportunity. I tell her I can’t do that because I don’t have any of her contact info. I give her my phone and she writes her name with some emojis next to it. A smiling sun, cherries, and a bomb. I don’t know what any of this means, but I don’t care because I am so happy. I now have her contact info. I tell her that if we meet up outside of here, I will have to write about it. I think she likes the idea of the attention. I tell her I change all of the names and use stock photos for the pics on each post. She says I should use her real picture, and I tell her I’ll think about it. She actually uses the words “Text me and we’ll go out on a date.” At that moment I was so excited, I wish I could have tied my belt around my head so that it didn’t explode like that dude in the movie, Scanners.

Ha ha ha! Yeah!!!!

Of course I say: “Are you sure? Like brunch or meet for a drink?” She says, yes. This is all very surreal, but I am overcome with euphoria. I tell her I’ll keep and eye on her phone and she goes back for her session. When she comes out she hugs me and says to reach out to her. I give her the phone, which she nearly forgot. Then off she goes into the night.

I’m super happy at this point. So as I’m closing up and settling the register, I put on some triumphant music.

The next night around 1:30am, my phone rings and it’s her. But I’m asleep! The next morning I see that she called, and there is a voicemail! I can’t imagine my luck. I wonder what she will say? I play the message and it is two and a half minutes of muffled static.

Later, I get this text: “OMGOSH I butt dialed you by accident!! I did it to like a bunch of people bc my phone was in my back pocket at work haha oops!”

I waited a few hours (because that’s the cool thing to do so it looks like you have a life)

Then I responded: “Blame your butt all you want. You know you wanted to call me! ha ha”

Crickets.

Sigh…

 

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I publish new Dating content every Monday at 9am EST. I publish Updates and bios and stories about Non-Dating related characters, such as male and female friends, on TuesdaysWednesdays at 9am EST.