Warning! This post is not safe for work! NSFW!
This hot waitress Melanie comes up to me at the kitchen at Merlin McFlys in Santa Monica. I’m working as a cook, while trying to make it as a metal god in L.A. I’m a total loser and struggling, but loving life because I’m surrounded by moist women and nothing else but California sunshine.
Merlin McFly’s was a cool place to work. The people who owned them had a chain of them and each one had a different theme. The great part about this one is it was all about magic. (See: California Dreamin’ – 1982 to 1984 – Merlin McFly’s)
It was a crazy time but when I look back on it an incredibly eye-opening and exhilarating.
This cute waifish blonde waitress Melanie approached me one night. I was balls deep in chicken fingers and zucchini sticks .
“Hey, I like your band and you like my band Glider, right?”
“Oh course. You guys are so good.” ( A bold faced lie) I fucking hated her Blondie rip off piece of shit band. I love her, because she is a buttery sweet blonde, and I hate her boyfriend because I made $500 putting a floor into a furniture store in Hollywood with this prick and he’s a beat up call.
But it was extra money so I did it but he’s an asshole and I’m sure he’s a bully to this sweetie.
“We have a chance to open for Y&T at the Troubadour on Friday but we need a little harder band to go on after us to open for them.
“Mel… is that my band? Because if that’s true I’m rock hard right mow.”
“Yea. That’s the gig despite your hard on.”
“Stop it. we’re in.”
I go home that night and tell the band. They’re ecstatic. It seems like the rest of the week takes forever but Friday finally arrives and we’re ready to do load in.
The band gets there and I’m a little nervous.
Frank: “How are you feeling there, Chaz?”
Me: “I’m a little scared.”
Frank: “I’d rather be scared, than bored…. Let’s go.”
And off we went. We played the Troubadour. Glyder came out and they did their sweet Blondie set. Who cares. We came out and killed it in a club that John Lennon was thrown out of for heckling the Smothers Brothers.
We crushed our set and Y&T comes out and is so much louder and more powerful than our little band. I feel that. I feel that what we did was solid and the audience liked it but we’re no one. They’re here to see Y&T. I don’t even give a shit who these fuckers are other that my friend Melanie got us here and we’re nobody.
The people are here to see Y&T play Lipstick and Leather.
I’m hanging at the bar getting free 151 and cokes with Frank and the boys and this girl walks up to me.
She’s wearing a beautiful white dress. She looks like Christie Brinkley with a voice like Marilyn Monroe. WTF?
This is a mixed crowd but mostly hair metal. It’s 1983 and we are in full swing. This little girl seems out of place. She comes up to me and immediately starts hitting on me. That was a luxury back then. It was easy when you were a musician in L.A. and pretty.
“Hey. I’m Chaz what’s your deal?”
“I’m Patty. I just wanted to meet you. I work at a restaurant and I came with some co-workers. One of the busboys likes me and I’m not into him. I’m into you.”
I’m taken by this pure beauty. Oh, the ease of the power of rock back then…
“You’re a lovely girl, Patty.”
“Come home with me, Chaz.”
It was that easy. I had gone from a pimple faced loser in middle school with braces and glasses to a guy that just had to show up and the ladies flocked. I still didn’t know who the hell I was or what I was doing but loved the attention.
I talked to my buddy Tim who came with us to the show without his wife Donna. (See: California Dreamin’ – Tim’s Wife Donna) He said we should pull a train on her but I told her it wasn’t like that this time and I wanted to be with this sweet baby alone.
We got back to her apartment in West Hollywood and we fall to the floor through the transom. Her record collection comes out and it’s scattered across the floor. We’re on the floor amidst her records rolling around and making out.
Clothes start coming off, and it’s a glorious tangle of sex and desire.
We end up in her bedroom, and she starts asking me about a girlfriend and/or a wife. I tell her I have neither. In this moment I’m telling the truth.
She lets it go. We’re getting into it and we’re both pretty drunk. I don’t know why I used to drink 151 and cokes back then. But like any stupid kid I guess you just want what’s strong and fast.
I almost don’t know how to describe what happens next with out being too graphic. It was over 35 years ago so just know that it was a one time thing. Even as jaded as I had become being in a band and living in L.A., this blew my mind.
She asks me to get her started with my digits. Okay, seems a little juvenile but I’ll do whatever she wants at this point. One, two, then three… then four. That seems a bit much and I’m surprised about this. I ask her if she’s okay and she says she loves it. She tell me to keep going.
Okay at this point I remember removing my fingers from her and then and taking off my LED watch and dropping it into my shoe so I wouldn’t lose it or forget it.
Patty tells me to go in with my whole hand. I’m super turned on at this point because I’ve never experienced anything like this and didn’t know a woman could accommodate this sort of thing.
But she did. I was wrist deep in this girl. She was in her twenties. How was she able to do this? She liked it. I’m a little freaked out but in my drunken mind I can handle it.
This is called fisting. I never thought I’d ever be engaged in this sort of situation. As crazy as our adventures have been out here this seems over the top. I actually thought child birth for this woman may not even hurt. But it was still bizarre.
If someone told me my night after opening for Y&T would end like this. I would have just looked at them in mute protest.
Then she asks me to open the top drawer of her dresser. I do as I’m told and that’s when I see the biggest dildo I’ve ever seen on Earth. I’m still a little wet behind the ears and it’s all a new world to me.
She asks me to give it to her with this monster dildo. At this point I’m having a little fuselage envy. How can my little band go on after Fist and Hammer of the Gods? If I have intercourse with her after this episode, it’ll be like throwing a hotdog down a hallway, right?
But Patty’s loving it and is happy she’s opened toyland to me. I never expected this.
After the crazy monster insertion play she wants me to go on stage. Surprisingly it went well. I always carried condoms with me in those days because I was deathly afraid of catching an STD. Like… terrified. Scared of drugs and venereal disease.
We get it on and it’s fire. She was so beautiful I would never have known she was such a sexual dynamo when I met this waitress.
I tell her I’m going home and she gets back on the, “You’ve got a girlfriend or a wife.” I tell her no but she doesn’t believe me.
I walk out onto Hollywood Boulevard. I don’t even know what time it is. I hail a taxi and he takes me back to Santa Monica. At the time I think it was expensive. Funny how it was only $11 and a tip.
I’m happy to be back to the apartment and in my own bed.
She calls me the next day and tells me she wants to have a threesome with me and her girlfriend.
I tell her I’ll think about it.
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