Lin – What Would Simon Say?

I was walking back from the grocery store that’s about two blocks from my house the other day. I’m carrying two big paper bags when I suddenly see Lin with her little dog.

The dog immediately pulls on the leash and its back legs starts viciously barking at me as if I’m a criminal. Normally kids and animals like me because they can sense my inner kindness, but this pup is just being a jerk.

Typical yappy dog. Lin seems in a hurry to get where she’s going. “Hi, I’m just taking him to the park.”

“Nice seeing you. Have fun.”

And that was it. Now, I’m loaded down with groceries and she’s being pulled by a precocious pooch.

But I noticed something I hadn’t before. Both times I encountered her she was seated. But today she had on a pair of black bicycle shorts and some sort of white halter top on. (Those tight compacting shorts that hold everything in)

As she walked away I stole a glance back at her.

This is not the girl I saw in her Instagram photos. In her pics on social media, she’s raven-haired and fit. A petite, cutie. But this person walking away from me no longer fits that description.

She’s blonde and packed on quite a bit of weight. Her back is chubby and her legs are thick. This isn’t good. Could she be stuffing her feelings about her ex? Has she gotten back with him? He cheated on her and she dumped him. But now she’s a little chubette and I can’t imagine him wanting to come back to a worse version of the chick he already cheated on.

Then her next boyfriend in Fairmount suddenly cut her loose too. Something’s wrong here.

Maybe she just stuffed her face during Covid? No. That wouldn’t make sense. She’s a nurse. They were busier than ever during Covid. It must be the depression of being on her own and the loss of not one, but two boyfriends. What is with these Asian girls? No offense, but this reminds me a lot of when I knew Kita from the tanning salon a few years ago. Addicted to tanning, the super bleached blonde hair. Do these girls want to change themselves because they’re unhappy in their lives? They look perfectly great with their natural hair and skin color. It’s beautiful to me. I’m a huge fan and have been for over 40 years. I’ve had a couple of Asian girlfriends and liked the way they looked.

I don’t know, but I’m getting a bad vibe about this chick and I swore no more crazies back in 2019. There just seems to be a lot of things going on with this chick.

I saw her one more time the other day. I was about half a block away from her as she was entering the building next door. She was in the hallway with her yippie dog and fiddling with the lock on the front door. I know she didn’t see me earlier and as I walked by all I could see was that back fat.

I get that if you read this you’ll think I’m being shallow. Maybe I am. But I’m not pursuing this girl. It appears that in the short time that I’ve known her, (Two brief encounters) that she’s got some issues with several things. The sudden hair color changed, twice! The rapid weight gain. Drug use. The bounced rent check. The sudden need to get a tattoo.

Where are this girl’s friends and family? She’s got a good career, but it seems she’s making a lot of wrong and desperate moves. I’ve known too many mentally unstable people during my 15 years in this city.

So, sadly… I’m going to steer clear of this one.

Oh well, like I always say: Good or bad, at least I got a story out of it.

Simon Cowell GIFs | Tenor

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5 Things to Know Before Separating From Your Husband or Wife (That Could Save Your Marriage)

It’s possible to still save your marriage.

Most couples think of separating when they no longer know what to do with their relationship problems. They know they’re not happy.

Perhaps, the love and connection between them feel dead. Maybe they can’t stop the fighting. A marriage separation might feel like the only way to save themselves.

But wait, isn’t a separation agreement just the first step towards divorce?

Separation is a pause in the action and treated with respect where the goal is a happy marriage.

For many people, it is because the pain is too great and the couple is desperate to feel better. They absolutely need to get away or take a break from the daily repetition of dysfunctional dynamics.

In her work, Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, refers to the Demon Dances that couples do — the dialogues that couples have over and over that lead to nowhere but more pain, marriage problems, and disillusionment.

When a couple gets locked in their own version of Demon Dancing, they may look to separate as a means to stop the noise without going through an actual breakup.

But separating doesn’t need to be the first step to divorce. Separated couples who structure their separations can quiet the demons while making the space for learning new tools and ways of interacting.

You will most likely need the guidance and marriage advice of a Relationship Counselor or Coach to help you to mediate the various factors which need considering.

Here are 5 things you need to know before committing to a separation — even a trial separation — with your husband or wife.

1. Know your goals

Are you both fully committed to the idea that this separation is to call “time-out” on the difficulties you’re experiencing — not a “time-out” on the marriage?

There should be an agreement that neither of you run off and file for divorce without a full discussion before the end of the agreed-upon separation. That goes for threatening divorce, as well.

The separation is a pause in the action and should be treated with respect. The shared goal is to work back towards a happy marriage.

2. Be aware of the practical implications

It will take some negotiation to figure out who will stay in the home and who will move out.

If there are children, you’ll need to talk to them and make a plan for custody and/or visitation during the separation. Who will take which car? Who will use which credit cards? How will you fund two households?

You will also have to compromise and agree to stay faithful and not date others during the separation if you want to keep a healthy relationship going.

3. Discuss what to tell friends and family

It’s important to develop a script for how to handle the questions of your loved ones. Tell them what they need to know but no more.

Often, couples make the mistake of over-sharing information and inadvertently creating animosity for their relationship. This makes it tough when the two of you have healed and your family still hates your spouse!

Try something along the lines of, “We’re separating to rebuild. We’re still fully committed to our marriage and will be working hard with a therapist. We hope to have a stronger, happier relationship soon.”

4. Agree on how much will you interact

At the very least, couples will need to see each other in regular therapy appointments. At first, this might be the safest way to see one another. You might also agree to weekly dates or times together with your children. You’ll want to decide how often you want to check in on phone, email, or text.

Make a plan that honors both of your needs for separation and connection. It’s likely that you are probably used to some chaos in the relationship, but now is a good time to slow down and breathe.

If you’re the one that typically pursues your partner, this is a good time for you to pursue other interests and participate in self-care.

5. Wait until you’re both emotionally safe to move back in together

This, of course, is a very important question. Each of you should be able to state what you are looking for to feel emotionally safe enough to live together again. You should be able to see clear progress in your marital therapy, including an ability to communicate about important topics.

You’ll want to feel that you’ve resolved and forgiven those hurts which led up to the separation. You will also want a clear plan about how to handle relationship “hot buttons” before they escalate to deal-breaking problems.

I have worked and continue to work with many couples who have taken a break from their marital woes by separating. Those who have consciously structured the boundaries of their time apart have emerged with healthier, stronger relationships.

It may not be right for everyone, but handled well, a separation could just save your marriage.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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Guys, Here are 5 Major Reasons Why Women Get Tired of Dating You

If you’re wondering why your babe no longer cares as she used to, one of these reasons could be responsible for the change.

It’s logical to wonder what could have gone wrong if your girlfriend or partner begins to show signs of being fed up with you and the relationship.

If your girlfriend ever starts to give you attitude and you wonder why one of more of these five reasons could be responsible for the change.

1. You stopped being the guy she fell for

Not many things are as annoying and tiring for women as inconsistency. If you blew hot at the beginning of the relationship, you should keep that up. Don’t switch up on her negatively when the relationship finally begins.

Keep being sweet to her, keep communicating, keep being supportive, keep looking out for her, keep being the driven, passionate guy… because if you stop being the partner she met and fell for, don’t be surprised if she no longer wants anything to do with you.

If you stop being the guy she fell for, she may no longer be interested in the relationship.
2. You’re cheating on her

Obviously, cheating is a game-changer. If you are a serial, unrepentant cheat, your partner would surely want to get out.

No woman deserves the emotional imbalance of dealing with a fornicating, no-holds-barred cheat.

And to be honest, that’d be the right thing to do.

3. Your priorities changed

Do you still show her she’s special? Do you still hold her in high esteem and make it obvious in the things you do and the decisions you make?

If the answer to that is no, she may seek a way out. No one wants to play second fiddle or be placed so low on the list of priorities and what you hold dear.

If your friends, job, and pretty much everything comes before your woman all the time, it won’t be long before she gets fed up.

4. Bad sex

If your sex game is not A1, there’s every chance that the dissatisfaction will brew over at some point and cause her to seek a way out of the relationship.

Not many women want to be tied for life to men who are capable of only mediocre sex. If they can avoid it, they will. And your babe looking for a way out could be as a result of this, too.

Women get tired of men who cheat. It’s easy.

5. Respect

Did you stop respecting her as a person? Do you throw her opinions back in her face or don’t bother asking for her input on issues that affect you both? Do you try to control her life and dismiss her own opinions on matters that concern her?

Then surely you deserve to be tossed in the bin. And it may be only a matter of time before she dumps you.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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When Your Boyfriend Ignores You: Why He Does It and How to Respond

If you’re in a relationship, you know it’s normal for couples to argue. But when your boyfriend ignores you after, do you wonder why?

We’ll talk about what to do when your boyfriend ignores you, but what’s important is to look at why they ignore you first. That way, you kind of see where their behavior originates. This doesn’t mean you should excuse the fact that he’s ignoring you, don’t let it slide. But knowing the root cause helps you decide which angle to approach this from.

Again, this doesn’t excuse his behavior, but it gives you a better idea of what’s going on in his head. Since ignoring you is his go-to move, you should be the bigger person and approach the subject. It’s clear that he won’t.

5 reasons why he’s ignoring you

Whoever said relationships were easy has never been in a relationship—or not a normal one. Of course, when you’re in a relationship, it’s normal for people to disagree and argue sometimes. You may not like it, but it happens in any relationship. But the way you come out of a fight is what matters.

Everyone argues, but how does the argument end? Are you talking about what happened or is someone ignoring the other for days on end? Now, no one is perfect but ignoring someone is a sign of immaturity. It isn’t cool.

And men say women are complicated—yeah, right.

#1 He’s angry at you. If you just had an argument with him and he’s been ignoring you, well, then you have your answer. Obviously, he’s upset with you. Now, him ignoring you could be one of two things.

He could be so angry that he just needs some space from you. Or, secondly, he’s using this as a way to manipulate you into admitting fault. It really depends on the fight you had and your role in it.

#2 He feels suffocated. When your boyfriend ignores you, this could be another reason too. You’re not necessarily clingy for wanting to spend time with him, everyone has their own personal space and amount of alone time they need to recharge. But this doesn’t mean he should ignore you, instead, he could tell you that he needs space instead.

#3 He’s cheating on you. Okay, before I say anything, remember, just because they’re ignoring you, doesn’t mean they’re cheating. This is possibly the most drastic reason behind why he’s ignoring you, so don’t freak out. If you feel he’s cheating on you, you need to look at other behaviors as well.

#4 He’s thinking about breaking up. When we’re thinking about breaking up with someone, we distance ourselves from the person in order to make the breakup easier for ourselves. I know, we’re selfish but that’s just human for ya. He’s making his decision and while doing so, he’s pushing you away.

#5 He has other things going on in his life. Whether it’s work or school, he could be really stressed in other areas of his life and as a result, he ignores you. Now, this may not be intentional, but he’s not keeping your feelings in check either.

The things you need to do when your boyfriend ignores you

No one likes being ignored. So, it’s time to take action and stand up for yourself when your boyfriend ignores you without any explanation. Don’t let him behave like this towards you.

#1 Don’t “pay him back.” I know that you’re probably giving him a taste of his own medicine. In some cases, it can work but let’s be honest, is that really showing him that you don’t appreciate his behavior? The only way for him to understand that his behavior is wrong is if you talk to him. Don’t try to do the whole “he needs a taste of his own medicine” because that won’t solve the problem.

#2 Communicate with him. If you don’t communicate with him, it’s only going to get worse. Communication is key, and it can solve a lot of issues that you’re experiencing as a couple and on your own. So, if it’s bothering you that he ignores you, I recommend that you just sit down with him and talk about it.

You may find out things that you didn’t know before. Make sure you talk about how this makes you feel.

#3 Spend time with family and friends. Well, you can’t change his behavior, but you can change yours. Don’t sit at home twiddling your fingers, instead, go out and spend time with the people that care about you. He’ll come around but don’t wait for him in the meantime.

#4 Don’t chase him around. When we feel that we’re going to lose something, we try to grab onto it even harder, but it never works. If he’s ignoring you, don’t panic and start texting and phoning him twenty times. Instead, back off and give him the time he needs. When he’s ready, he’ll come to you and that’s when you sit down and talk about it.

#5 Set boundaries. He can’t keep ignoring you every time something doesn’t please him. You need to set firm personal boundaries in order to protect yourself. He needs to know that you won’t be putting up with this behavior any further. If he continues to use this strategy as a way to deal with his problems, you don’t need this.

#6 Wait for him to connect with you. He needs to make the first move and reach out to you. If not, you’re just going to be chasing him like a lost puppy and that doesn’t look as cute as it does on Instagram. Only time will tell what will happen and if he continues to ghost you, you’ll have to end it yourself.

#7 Don’t let it absorb all your thoughts. This is going to bother you, but refocus your attention and do not let it ruin your day. This is his behavior and you can only control your own behavior. I know that you have many unanswered questions but having it consume all your thoughts won’t change the fact that he’s ignoring you.

#8 Practice self-care. No one likes being ignored, and in fact, it’s extremely hurtful. If your boyfriend has done this a couple of times, each time is like a knife to the heart. So, rather than getting sucked in, focus on yourself and practicing self-care. Think about your emotions and how they affect you. Write your feelings down, go for walks, and be around supportive people.

#9 Talk about finding a solution with him. After figuring out why he’s behaving this way, then you can figure out how to solve it. Of course, at the end of the day, he’s going to need to work on this, but you may have played a larger role in this than you originally thought. This obviously goes deep, so, by knowing the root problem, this behavior can be changed.

Ignoring people isn’t going to help any situation. When your boyfriend ignores you, it hurts even more. But now you know exactly what to do when he starts with this behavior.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Will My Ex Come Back? 14 Positive Signs They Regret Leaving You

You and your ex broke up, but you’re hungry for them to return. We’ve all been there. But how can you know the answer to, will my ex come back or not?

Haven’t we all wondered, will my ex come back? I know I have. Though I broke up with an ex, it took me years to move on. I was constantly in a debate with myself—wondering whether or not I made the right decision. Of course, we would go back and forth, breaking up one day and getting back together the next.

In the moments where I was alone, I constantly worried about whether or not my ex would come back to me. In hindsight, I was in a destructive relationship of game playing, but that’s not necessarily the case with you.

You may have broken up with your partner or taken a break and realized that your relationship is something worth fighting for.

Will my ex come back?

If that’s the case, naturally, you want your ex to come back to you. Perhaps you think too much time has passed or that they’ve moved on. But, listen, if you want to give the relationship another try, it’s never too late.

If you’re wondering, will my ex come back, you don’t want to live with the big “what if” question and regret not giving the relationship another shot.

Now, if your partner is abusive, then you should move on and definitely not try to get back with your ex. But if the breakup was based on something else: not enough alone time, needing to find yourself, etc., then why not give it another try?

Who knows what will happen? And if you end up breaking up again, at least there’s no regret. You can get back together with your ex… if you want.

#1 You feel it. I know you probably think I’m a hippie, but listen, your intuition isn’t lying. If you feel they want to get back together with you, you’re probably right. Your gut can tell you what’s going on; all you need to do is listen. We’re usually able to feel people who are close to you, and this includes your ex.

#2 They stay in contact with you. When we’re over a relationship, we cut all ties. This is the only way we can move on and heal from the breakup. But if your ex is still keeping contact with you, they’re trying to see if they have another chance. There’s no other explanation unless they want to torture you.

#3 Your ex wants to spend time with you. Come on, if this happens, you know what’s going on. Of course, unless they just want to have sex. If that’s the case, they don’t want you back; they want sex – big difference. But if they want to hang out, watch movies, go for walks, or grab dinner, they’re not looking for just a bang. They want you back.

#4 They’re nostalgic. When you bump into them, they talk about the good times they shared with you, almost as if they miss those moments. And that’s because they do; they miss you. The memories they have of you are positive, and now they’re figuring out whether breaking up with you was a good idea in the first place.

#5 They ask about you. You don’t ask about people unless you care about them. If they’re asking your friends about you, they want to know what’s happening in your life. Of course, they’ll try not to be too obvious, but asking about you already blew their cover. 

#6 They ask if you’re seeing anyone. Well, you know they wouldn’t be asking you this if they didn’t care. But they’re asking you because they want to know what’s going on. If you’re single, they’ll make a move. If you’re in a relationship, they’ll probably poke and see how long the relationship has been going on; wagering their odds of getting you back.

#7 The breakup wasn’t concrete. You decided to go on a “break,” but there was nothing concrete about your breakup. In fact, you didn’t even break up, there was just a long pause. If there was no closure, there’s always a chance for things to start up again.

#8 They tell you that they’ve changed. There may have been some issues you couldn’t work out because you both weren’t able to handle them. But, time apart has given you the opportunity to grow as people. Your ex has noticed this positive change, and now you two are more mature to enter the relationship again.

#9 You both didn’t want to break up. Maybe school was too much, or work was taking over your life. And though you didn’t want to break up, you didn’t see any other option. If you both didn’t want it, but did so out of an external force, then the love you share is still there. That’s the love you can’t forget.

#10 They see you’ve changed. When you broke up, it’s possible you weren’t in the best of places. But with some much-needed space apart, they see how much you’ve grown and changed. They see the breakup helped you grow as a person, and now they’re ready to give it another shot.

#11 It feels natural to be together. Whenever you see each other, it just feels right. You can’t explain why, but next to your ex, everything feels secure and comforting. Your ex also feels the same way and doesn’t hesitate to tell you. If you feel “right” being together, your ex will come back.

#12 You’re both single. Well, this is a pretty important factor. Most people won’t try to get back with their ex if they’re in a relationship. But if you are both single, there’s a high chance they’ll try to weasel their way back to you. This is the moment where everything is laid out nice and neat. They don’t need to fight your partner or sneak around and send you DMs.

#13 You were together for a long time. Long term relationships always have a high chance of patching things up and reuniting. You were together for a long time, so it’s natural to want to get back together with someone who knows you like the back of their hand.

#14 They’re getting close with your family again. Ah yes, this is a pretty subtle sign your ex will come back to you. If they’re trying to get close to your family again, it’s not because they love hanging out with your parents. They’re trying to reconnect with the people who are the closest to you in an effort to get you back.

Do you have an answer to, will my ex come back? You now have all the signs you could possibly want. After reading the signs, what do you think? 

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

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How To Get Over A Breakup, Based On Your Love Language

Epic phone conversations to analyze every detail with your BFF, a pint of Halo Top to eat your feelings, a kickboxing class to get out your aggression — these are just some of the ways we get over the end of a relationship. We all have certain strategies that are more effective for us, depending on our own unique needs and personalities. And when it comes to figuring out how to get over a breakup, your love languages can factor in, too.

The love languages were developed by counselor and author Dr. Gary Chapman. After observing couples in counseling for more than 30 years, he observed patterns in the ways that partners communicate with each other, and concluded that there are five universal ways in which people express and interpret love: physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, and acts of service. According to Chapman, while we all may have two or three that speak to us, everyone has one primary love language that takes precedence. You may be well aware of how your love languages can play a role in your relationships. By knowing what makes you feel loved, you can better express to your partner what you need from them. But love languages are just as important to keep in mind once you split.

Think of it this way: you’ll definitely need to feel loved after a breakup. And if you know what your languages are, you can show yourself a little extra TLC and potentially heal more quickly from the trauma.

“After a breakup, we’re often left to our own devices and with no one engaging us in our love language, we’re likely to spiral into a pit of despair where we feel unseen and unstimulated,” explains Chelsea Leigh Trescott, breakup coach and podcast host of Thank You Heartbreak. “To ward against this, it’s up to us to initiate self-care through our various love languages. Where your partner no longer meets you at your most tender place, you must learn how to.”

So, want to know how to cope with a recent split? Here’s how experts advise moving on after a breakup, according to your love language.

Physical Touch

Alexey Kuzma/Stocksy

Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you have to miss out on that physical contact you crave.

“If you respond to physical touch during a relationship, you very likely would still want and need physical touch to help you heal and recover from a breakup,” says prominent L.A.-based relationship therapist Dr. Gary Brown.

Don’t underestimate the power of a hug from a friend or family member. In fact, a hug can instantly trigger the release of the feel-good hormone oxytocin, which is obviously much needed following a breakup. Researchers from Carnegie Mellon University also discovered that hugs can lessen negative emotions and improve mood as well as psychological well-being after a conflict.

And if you’re seeking to treat yourself during this difficult time, Trescott suggests booking a massage or ordering a foot bath for a luxurious soak while you’re watching Netflix.

“Whether it’s dance classes, misting your face with rose water or hugging someone goodbye, what you’re looking to create for yourself is a ritual around touch,” explains Trescott. “However, rather than looking for touch in a romantic partner, it becomes about how you can use elements in your environment to touch you.”

Any of these acts may help to lessen the pain you experience due to losing that physical contact with your partner.

Words Of Affirmation

Sean Locke/Stocksy

If you relied on lots of compliments or verbal expressions of appreciation and praise from your SO to make you feel loved in your relationship, then you’ll want to find new outlets for these affirmations.

Trescott advises purchasing a journal and coming up with a new question to answer every day for a full month.

“This will be a way of not only painlessly encouraging you to inquire within but asking yourself powerful questions will empower you to lean into your truth and accept the range and depth of your emotions,” she explains.

She also suggests writing your ex a thank you letter (rather than a goodbye letter) in which you detail what you learned about yourself throughout the relationship. While you’ll never send this letter, it will serve as a spectacular outlet for positivity during this challenging time.

You can also start implementing some positive affirmations into your daily life for a much-needed boost. For example, consider writing something nice about yourself on a post-it note and sticking it on your bathroom mirror so that it’s the first and last thing you see every day. Or, set a reminder in your phone to pop up at a certain time every day that includes a complimentary affirmation.

Quality Time

Guille Faingold/Stocksy

If you’re the kind of person who really valued QT with bae — as in, dates on which you had their undivided attention — then you may really benefit from setting up some dates with other loved ones in your life.

“Quality time with friends and family can help to heal the wounds of a breakup,” explains Dr. Brown.

Be sure to make plans that encourage quality interaction (i.e. cooking a meal together, painting each other’s nails, or even just taking a walk) as opposed to activities that include distractions (such as binge-watching Netflix). That means putting your devices away and using this time to simply connect with a loved one. Making new memories with other people who are important to you will help you to realize that quality time isn’t only reserved for your significant other. It will also offer up an opportunity to strengthen those relationships in the wake of your split.

Acts Of Service

Tana Teel/Stocksy

If this is your primary love language, you have probably found that actions speak louder than words in your relationships. You felt most loved when boo brought home your dry cleaning on their way home or did the dishes when they knew you were exhausted. As such, while getting over your breakup, you may want to consider ways in which you can make your own life easier. For example, if you’ve been swamped at work lately and laundry is your most dreaded chore, treat yourself to a delivery service that does it for you.

According to Trescott, a breakup might inspire you to take a road trip with friends, or accompany them on their banal errands and turn it into a “windows-down, music-blasting, selfie-taking fun time.”

“It may also be the clean slate you need to show up in your own home differently,” she explains.

This might entail repainting the walls to breathe new life into your home, buying new bedding, moving furniture around, or swapping out the photos in your frames.

“When you’re feeling like you have no one to lean on, a breakup is the best time to lean on yourself and what better way than by putting yourself to work around your own sanctuary,” Trescott says. “Serving yourself will give you the strength to serve others.”

Gifts

Jovo Jovanovic/Stocksy

Did receiving some tangible token from your boo make you feel warm and fuzzy inside? Just because you’re not in a relationship anymore doesn’t mean you can’t leverage this love language to help you get over your breakup.

“A breakup is a prime time to start treating yourself to both luxuries and necessities,” says Trescott. “Rather than wait for your significant other to buy you flowers, purchase your own every Sunday. Go to a perfume counter and try out a new seasonal or signature scent. Scents after all trigger memories, especially tied to romance. Buy two tickets to an upcoming show which will be something to look forward to and something that locks you into finding yourself a plus one.”

So why not give yourself a little something as an act of self-love, and a reminder that you’re worthy?

“Maybe it’s high time you buy yourself a ring or piece of jewelry that signifies you committing to you,” adds Trescott.

Maybe you sign up for a subscription-based service that sends a specially curated selection of wine to your doorstep every month, or maybe you splurge on some luxe lingerie just because. The point is, you don’t need someone else to make you feel appreciated.

“Love languages, at the core, are a way of addressing and speaking to the most tender part of ourselves,” says Trescott. “Sometimes it’s the wounded part that’s aching for the soothing, grounding words of reassurance. Whether it’s words of affirmation, touch, acts of service, quality time, or through gift giving, each language makes us feel seen and, as a byproduct of that, less alone and alive. To show up in this world with steady footing, we need that acknowledgment.”

Regardless of your primary love language, there are a number of different ways in which you can leverage it for the comfort, reassurance, encouragement, and tenderness you need during the often brutal experience of a breakup. Be kind to yourself, and remember: A breakup is an opportunity to learn more about what makes you feel the most loved so that you’re prepared to pursue a happy, healthy relationship next time around.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

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Why Is Getting Over Someone Who Cheated So Hard? Here’s What Experts Say

Most of us have been, or will go, through a breakup (or, you know, a few) in our lives. None of them are especially fun, but there is something exquisitely painful about having your relationship implode because a partner cheated. The confusion, the pain, and — let’s be honest — the anger in this situation can be really intense. None of this is made any easier when you’re faced with actually having to get over someone who cheated and move on for good, which can feel like it’s even more impossible.

Here’s the silver lining: If it feels like moving on from a cheating partner is harder than the other breakups and heartbreaks you’ve endured, it’s definitely not just you. “It’s really challenging to move forward when you’ve been cheated on,” life coach Nina Rubin confirms to Elite Daily. But why is it so much more difficult? It turns out that not all forms of heartbreak are the same, and the effects of infidelity can last much longer. Here’s what the experts have to say on why the pain of cheating lingers, plus how to move forward and put that hurt in the rearview mirror.

Cheating Undermines Your Ability To Trust

When a relationship ends due to a partner’s infidelity, there is another layer of betrayal, and that, Rubin explains, is what destroys the faith you had in them. “Physical and emotional affairs cut the main artery of a relationship: Trust. When you’ve been cheated on, you can no longer trust your partner,” and that, she explains, can be incredibly painful.

vitapix/E+/Getty Images

“Affairs bring with them extremely complex emotions and thoughts of anger, hurt, shame, embarrassment, self-doubt, humiliation, confusion, and fear,” explains Dr. Gary Brown, a prominent couples’ therapist in Los Angeles. But it’s not just the pain that makes moving on from a partner who cheats difficult. There are also feelings of anger to heal from, as Cherlyn Chong, a dating and breakup recovery coach for professional women, tells Elite Daily. “It hurts to know that your ex has broken their promises to you and wasted your time and energy,” she explains.

Infidelity Can Undermine Your Self-Confidence

Perhaps the most insidious part of breaking up with someone who was unfaithful is the way that their betrayal can undermine your self confidence. Chong warns against falling into the trap of comparing yourself to the person your SO cheated with. “Not only do you have the loss of the relationship to get over, you also have the shame of feeling replaced by someone ‘better.’ You’re constantly wondering if they were better-looking, taller, funnier or even better at sex than you,” says Chong. Not only will these kinds of comparisons increase your own pain, but they aren’t even the reality of the situation, Chong explains. “It’s never because you weren’t good enough,” says Chong. “Nor was it something you did that caused them to cheat. Cheating is their decision, and their decision alone. Cheating is multifaceted, and sometimes the reason for cheating can be deeper and more complex.”

How To Get Over Someone Who Cheated

Understanding why getting over someone who cheated is so difficult is one thing, but knowing how to actually do it is another. The first step is to make a conscious decision to move forward, says Chong. “If you have determined that the relationship is broken beyond repair, the most important thing is to simply decide that you will move on,” she explains. That also means sticking to this decision even if the cheating partner decides they want to keep trying. “If the person has broken up with you due to the other person, you must ‘reject the rejector’,” Chong says. “If you have broken up with the person, you must decide that you will not accept that person back, because they have broken your trust and that can never be replaced again.” By staying firm in your choice, Chong says you can actually speed up the healing process. “Set a goal, figure out how you will get there, and then push yourself to get there. Take time to grieve, but don’t stay there too long,” she advises.

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How long is too long to grieve a breakup? “It takes as long as it takes,” says Rubin, although she adds that the time you take needs to be constructive. “The best thing you can do for yourself is process the pain and learn more about your triggers. Keep holding your head high.” It’s also important to note that, as you continue to heal, the feelings of betrayal left by cheating can create lasting emotional scars. “You may have triggers in your next relationship,” says Rubin. “This is normal. If you start feeling anxious or paranoid that your partner is going to cheat on you, this is a cue to get help and talk to them about your concerns.”

While there is no way to entirely avoid the pain that follows infidelity, the most important thing to remember is that healing is possible. “You can move forward. You can have a great life post-infidelity,” assures Dr. Brown. So hang in there and make your focus about self-care and self-love. You’ve got this.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new book, Phicklephilly 2 is coming soon on Amazon!

 

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5 Signs Your Partner Is Falling Out of Love With You (& May Ask for a Divorce)

Notice these signs and start re-thinking your relationship.

If you’re worried that your spouse is falling out of love with you, and may want a divorce, you need to know the signs that your marriage is over.

If your happy marriage has slowly evolved into an unhappy marriage, you will know because of the way your spouse acts around you.

We all hope for everlasting love. That’s why we said “I do” in the first place.

But, often, we outlast our relationships, evolving beyond their life expectancy.

Think of your relationship as a garden with you and your husband or wife as the gardeners or caretakers.

The life of the garden depends upon what you put into it. It needs attention, water, sunlight, pruning, weeding, replanting, sowing of seeds, tending, nurturing, and enjoyment.

Left alone, a garden will wither. The elements will ravage it, causing destruction and deterioration.

Your relationship is like that. Untended, it dissolves.

If you’re wondering, “Is my marriage over?”, you need to look at the state of your relationship. Just like the state of your yard, you can see it. The signs are telltale and evident.

If you know what to look for, you can recognize if your spouse is over you so you can do something about it and figure out how to save your marriage.

“Is marriage worth it?” you might be asking.

And, why do people fall out of love?

If you notice the warning signs your marriage is over because your spouse is no longer in love with you, please know that divorce is not your only option.

Just because you let your garden become overgrown and infested with weeds, doesn’t mean you have to move. The same is true of your relationship.

With a lot of care, attention, and hours spent, it can be possible to resuscitate your loveless marriage.

But it will require both you and your spouse putting in the time and effort.

It would be so much easier to be in a relationship if we all knew how to communicate with each other.

Unless you’re a mind reader, it’s impossible to know how your spouse is feeling without them telling you.

Some people leave a relationship when the going gets difficult because they just don’t know how to handle conflict.

And with every serious relationship conflict is inevitable and, even sometimes, healthy. Being able to air our differences and have room for each other’s perspectives are incredible gifts to give each other.

Handling conflict lovingly and skillfully is a behavior that can be taught and learned. But most of us have never had the right relationship advice and lessons, choosing instead to learn in the school of hard knocks.

Since we don’t always communicate effectively, our feelings come out in our actions instead. Actions are often much louder than words.

With that said, here are 5 tell-tale warning signs your spouse is falling out of love with you and may even ask for a divorce.

1. Partner detachment

In a healthy relationship, we talk to each other, ask questions about each other’s thoughts, feelings, and day.

As expert marriage researcher John Gottman says, we make bids for each other’s attention and the health of that relationship depends on how often we respond to those bids.

When you try and share something with your partner, do they turn toward you and express interest? Or do they blow you off?

The detachment can show up in many different ways. Perhaps you used to fight all the time, you were passionate about your communication and exchanges.

Now your partner can’t be bothered to fight. They respond with one-word sentences.

What are some other signs your wife or husband doesn’t love you anymore?

Your partner could be distant emotionally and/or physically. Even if you ask, your partner won’t open up and share how they’re feeling.

And rather than spending time together, your spouse is making plans with other people or spending more and more time out of the house. They are physically and emotionally pulling away.

Your partner might show zero interest in making any plans. They are so distant and detached that they are not willing to plan anything together — no holidays, no date nights, and no home repairs or remodels.

They are not thinking about a future together, they are busy making plans for themselves.

Nobel Laureate, Elie Weisel said that “the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.” Rather than checking in with you, your partner is checking out.

2. Everything is a fight

Sometimes the sign is apathy and indifference, and other times, it’s frustration, annoyance, and even anger. Your spouse’s temper is hot and their fuse is short.

They blow up at the slightest provocation. They snap at you for every little thing, and you’re the one they blame. You’re at fault for all of the problems.

You feel like you can never do anything right, and you’re walking on eggshells in your own home.

3. Lack of intimacy

There are many types of intimacy in a relationship. It could be physical like holding hands, massage, hugs, kisses, and sexual connection. It could also be emotional like being vulnerable, sharing feelings, and deep conversations.

Marriages thrive on intimacy and connection. When the intimacy changes you need to pay attention. Are you and your spouse more like roommates than lovers? Or worse yet, total strangers?

So, what to do when your husband doesn’t want you? Or, when your wife won’t get intimate?

Take a moment to consider your intimacy habits.

Intimacy is a very strong indicator of how healthy a relationship is. There isn’t a prescribed number of times you should be having sex per week (despite many articles and statistics on the subject), but if your frequency changes, or the type of sex changes (where did my spouse learn those new moves?!), that may be a sign.

4. Secrets

Another strong sign is when your spouse suddenly becomes secretive about their phone calls, texts, emails, and/or mail.

There could be another person involved — they could be having an affair. Or your spouse could be doing research about getting divorced, and reaching out to professionals, such as family law attorneys, or financial advisors, etc.

When you question your spouse, they act evasive or even tell you lies.

5. Financial changes

Be on the lookout for any changes in the financial arena of your marriage. Has your spouse changed the passwords to your accounts without telling you?

Have there been any major changes in your assets? Has your spouse opened an equity line of credit on your house or a new bank account or are even applying for additional credit cards?

Or maybe your spouse was previously not interested in the family finances and now they are starting to ask questions or requesting copies of statements and tax returns.

The above are some of the major signs to look out for but there are others that may be more subtle.

Maybe your spouse has started focusing on their appearance when they never did before. Or takes a sudden interest in the kids. Or there’s a new insistence to move closer to family.

The interest in appearance could mean they’re hoping to attract someone else. The interest in the kids could be so that they look good in the eyes of the court if there’s a custody battle. The request to move closer to home may be to provide some support during and after the divorce.

These signs are meant to get you noticing and thinking about your relationship.

Are there signs that your spouse is unhappy, and longing to move on? Or is your spouse unhappy and wanting to make changes to make the relationship healthier and stronger?

It will be up to you and your spouse to explore this situation and determine if there’s a way back to each other and a healthier, happier life together.

Or if you need to part ways, you can rebuild a life that is more authentic to each of you.

It’s time to take steps to move forward. So, talk to your spouse.

A healthy relationship is based on strong communication. Share with them what you’re observing and how it’s making you feel.

If you need help communicating, reach out to a professional such as a therapist or a divorce coach, either on your own or together.

Try to find a way back to each other. Maybe by learning each other’s love language. For example, if your spouse’s love language is Quality Time, try spending more time together doing activities you both enjoy.

Focus on your own wellbeing. Sometimes healing yourself will go a long way toward healing your relationship.

Seek counseling. Getting outside help might be a helpful way to work through and process your issues as a couple. Either alone or together.

Build your support network: friends, family, a support group, therapist or divorce coach, religious community. You need people around you who are positive and supportive.

Learn about divorce. If you think you may be headed toward divorce you will want to learn something about the process, and the professionals who can support you. Meet with a family law attorney or mediator. Many divorce professionals offer free phone consultations.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new book, Angel with a Broken Wing is now for sale on Amazon!

 

 

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

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Should You Announce Your Breakup On Instagram? Here’s What To Consider

Lauren, 20, just wanted the freedom to move on from her recent breakup. She dreaded having to rehash the split over and over to friends who’d inevitably ask how her boyfriend was doing. “I wanted people to know I was single, not necessarily to put myself on the market, but just because I feel like they should have the right to know,” she tells Elite Daily. So, two weeks after things ended, Lauren subtly announced the breakup via Instagram Stories, by sharing a photo of herself on her laptop with the caption #singlelife.

As she expected, the photo elicited surprised reactions from friends. “A lot of people responded to it just being surprised that we broke up,” she recalls. “I got a lot of, ‘OMG,’ and, ‘Are you OK?'” Still, she had clear and thought-out reasons for posting that photo. “I’m not going to go around announcing to every girl/guy I see in person that I’m single,” she explains. This was more efficient — not to mention, kind of fun. “I also wanted to stir the pot a little.”

When you get into a new relationship, it’s common to introduce your partner on social media — in many cases, it legitimizes the relationship in the eyes of friends and followers. But when a relationship ends, there’s no clear course of action for how to clue people in. Some exes delete all traces of each other on their Instagram feeds. Others leave old photos untouched and never make an announcement at all. But occasionally, people disclose their breakups publicly on Instagram, with varying levels of detail about why things didn’t work out. You might have seen this play out for celebrities — for example, many former Bachelor couples do this — but regular folks are starting to come on board, too.

This strategy gets the word out quickly, eliminating the need to tell people IRL about your heartbreak. But it has some disadvantages, as well — namely, it involves other people in your love life, whether or not you asked for their point of view. “Generally speaking, you do not need to make a public announcement about your breakup,” explains breakup coach and dating strategist Natalia Juarez. “No matter how well you try to craft your caption, your post will invite a multitude of opinions.” Juarez agrees it can help eliminate awkwardness — but it isn’t the only way to move on.

Portrait of a young and beautiful Japanese Asian woman standing on a bridge during the day. She is a tourist and is posing for her portrait photograph of herself to post on Instagram.

Shutterstock

Instead, Juarez suggests taking a clean break from using social media following a breakup. Going cold turkey might feel like too much, but at least make sure you’re not dwelling on old pictures of you and your ex, or trying to stay constantly aware of what your ex is up to. “Once [you] do come back on, it’s best to remove intimate photos of you and your ex, as well as any other images that are emotionally painful,” Juarez says. “And if you do post, keep it light. Refrain from cryptic, posts with double meaning, or over-the-top inspirational quotes.” If your ex is posting negative things about you, don’t feel the need to retaliate. Juarez cites the iconic Michelle Obama quote to bring this point home: “When they go low, we go high.”

If you really want your good friends to find out quickly, you could also share the news via Instagram’s Close Friends feature, which limits the number of people who can view your story to a small, curated list. You can also just call or text your friends to let them know. “Tell your inner circle and other people you need to tell,” Juarez says. “They can help spread the word on your behalf. Other people may get the message, and for those that are clueless, if they do ask, simply let them know you and your ex aren’t together anyone for personal reasons, and then change the topic.” You don’t have to give anyone more detail than you’re comfortable sharing. Remember that this is your breakup and your healing process, and the only one who can truly understand that is you.

Whatever you do, make sure you’ve thought out what you’re going to post, if anything. The last thing you want is to share something in the heat of an emotional moment that you might later regret. Nancy, 26, remembers seeing a friend post about her breakup publicly one night, only to take down the posts the following morning. “My friend announced that her boyfriend was cheating and back on dating apps, and posted on her stories and her grid calling him a liar,” she tells Elite Daily. The couple ultimately worked things out, but the memory of those posts still lingers among some followers. “She hasn’t posted [with] him anymore, and if anyone comments about it, she gets super defensive,” Nancy says. It’s easy to delete an Instagram story or post, but that doesn’t mean the people in your life will forget it.

The decision to announce your breakup on Instagram mostly comes down to your reason for posting. Consider whether this decision will benefit your happiness down the road, and then choose what feels right. For Lauren, her breakup post did exactly what she’d hoped for — it told the people in her life about her single status. “It did the job,” she says. “This isn’t really the kind of news that spreads like wildfire, so I figured I should just get the news out quickly and efficiently. It worked, and no one was hurt in the process!”

Not every breakup ‘gram has a happy ending like Lauren’s, though. If you’re only looking for instant gratification — to let off steam and vent about your ex — you might one day come to regret your post. But if you’ve thought this through and are ready to share your news of your split with your followers, go for it. After all, a picture is worth a thousand words.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new book, Angel with a Broken Wing is now for sale on Amazon!

 

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

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13 Signs You Should Take Your Ex-Boyfriend Back

Here’s one from one of my female readers…

Sure, our own Erin and conventional wisdom say that in life you only get one chance. But in love, there are no rules. However, there is good advice, not to mention learning from your mistakes. That’s why I’m going to share with you the biggest relationship mistake I ever made.

I used to have a “never take an ex back” policy. It stopped me from making plenty of mistakes, like bad ex sex, dropping cash I didn’t have on a bikini wax, and becoming the victim of sheer drunken douchebaggery. Some guys you just get over and there’s no need for a do-over. But I’ve only ever loved one man and after we broke up, he tried to make it work again for months. I, on the other hand, was still in love with him too, but refused to break my own childish rule— no take-backs. Why didn’t I give us one more shot? At the very least, I wasn’t done letting him hurt me. At the very most, well, now he’s married to someone else.

Now I’m left with “what if?” questions. What if I’ll never love any other man as much? What if I never have sex as good again? What if he was THE ONE? And my personal favorite: What if I’m going to die alone now? Even more excruciating and existential is the other side of the coin: Am I inflating who he is and what we had? Has he been martyred because he was the one that got away? Not giving yourself another chance is like opening a Pandora’s Box of second-guessing yourself. OK, so I kept my pride, but so what? It didn’t get me what I wanted—him. And all I had to lose was a little bit more time spent trying to figure things out between us. Unfortunately, now I’m stuck with a lifetime of wondering “what if?”

OK, so maybe even if my ex and I had gotten back together, it probs wouldn’t have worked out. In that case, I’d have ruined the delicious fantasy of him for good. Sad, sure, but maybe that’s just what I needed to move on. And hey, makeup sex can be worth the hassle of a do-over.

I’m here to help you not make the same mistake I did. While you don’t owe every dude you’ve done a second chance, there are those select few who you just have to give it to. However, before you go re-welcoming them with open arms, you have to think about what exactly you’re going to also have to embrace about him. Is he worth a second or a third time around? Here’s how you can see if he’s worth giving another shot:

1. Day McDreamy: If you think about the dude everyday, or even a couple times a week, you’re sooooo not done with him.

2. BF & BFF: Your pals still want to be his friend. If they’re still rooting for him, maybe you should be too.

3. Black And Blue: He didn’t ever hurt you physically. In fact, he was quite gentlemanly.

4. Time Is On Your Side: You feel like you’ve got nothing to lose except maybe a couple hours for a date. Whatever happens, happens.

5. Not Co-Dependent: Beware, if he’s vengeful or even slightly manipulative, he might just be waiting to get the upper hand again.

6. Going The Distance: What’s he doing to get you back? Was it a random drunk text or did he talk to you face-to-face or phone-to-phone? Heck, he’s gotta give you at least an email you can tell he spent time on. Guys get bonus points for creativity here, i.e., love letters, getting the DJ to play your fave song, or other heart-melting rom-com-esque smooth moves.

7. Change Is Possible: It’s been a long time, so he may have actually grown up.

8. Back And Forth: If either one of you is not willing to discuss the past openly, there’s no future. Do you think you can articulate what your old problems were to him or are you afraid to go there?

9. Needy Not Greedy: Ideally, he’s single. But most importantly, he’s not trying to stick it in you while he’s still dating someone else. He has genuine feelings; he’s not just feeling up on you.

10. If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It: Can you be realistic about your expectations? Are you OK with crashing and burning, or will it send you back to relationship rehab?

11. Not So Sexy Times: If the sex was never good, forget it. Either you have it or you don’t; you can’t learn chemistry.

12. Please Forgive Me: Do you still hold a grudge? Do you want him to pay for what he did to you last time? You can’t run your love life like it’s a toll booth. If you can’t find it in your heart to forgive him, you can’t date him again.

13. Tie The Not: Could you see yourself marrying him or being with him forever? If not, why bother? If you’re just looking for a good lay, he’s not your stunt penis that can just slip in for the action scenes. You can’t have meaningless sex with an ex—there are feelings there. So, go find a new boy toy.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new book, Angel with a Broken Wing is now for sale on Amazon!

 

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly

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