How to Get Over Someone, According to a Relationship Expert

Ending a relationship is never easy – and it can be even harder if there is still love shared.

But just because heartbreak may feel like the end of the world, the good news is the pain won’t last forever – and it certainly won’t keep you from falling in love again.

According to research published in The Journal of Positive Psychology, it takes 11 weeks to feel better after a relationship ends. But a separate study found it takes closer to 18 months to heal from the end of a marriage.

In reality, heartbreak is a grieving process – and it looks completely different for everyone.

Because love is a messy emotion, and each relationship comes with its own memories and feelings, the end of any relationship will be a unique experience.

And there is no set time limit for healing – as factors including the length of the relationship, shared experiences and memories, whether you had children, betrayal, and the depth of emotion all play a part in the healing process.

The break-up can also be worse or more painful if you didn’t want the relationship to end.

Fortunately, although it may not seem like it in the moment, millions of other people are experiencing similar emotions – and millions more have.

Human beings are meant to form relationships and fall in love. And just as most people will experience love at least once in their lifetime, many will also experience the sting of heartbreak. It is natural, and expected, to be upset and devastated at the end of a relationship – even when the relationship might not have been a positive thing. After all, love is blind and it has the ability to make people overlook their partner’s flaws. This is truest at the end of a relationship, when bad memories are often overshadowed by good ones that make us question why we broke up in the first place.

But, just like any other wound, heartbreak heals with time, self-care, and a positive outlook – and it is possible to move on.

And while no two relationships are alike, there are certain things that everyone suffering from heartbreak can do to move on.

According to relationship expert Ammanda Major, there are four steps that will help you get over someone.

Take time to grieve your loss

For some, losing a significant other because of a break-up can feel as painful as if they died. From seeing or talking to the one you love every day to having no contact, it can seem impossibly daunting to imagine your life without them. But it is important to come to terms with this new reality and accept it before you can move on. While it may seem appealing to fast-forward through this period of sadness by keeping busy with other things and people, the reality is the end of a relationship requires a grieving period where we process what has happened. This is a period of time where those suffering from a heartbreak can reflect on the relationship and their own behavior. Rather than trying to suppress these feelings, allowing yourself to feel them is integral to the healing process.

And while you are reflecting on the relationship and your emotions related to the break-up, you may learn a thing or two about yourself and what you want out of a future relationship.

Reconnect with yourself

In many relationships, the primary focus is on “we” instead of “me” or “I.” But the end of a relationship offers a unique opportunity – to take stock of where you are in life, and then to do something for you. Although it may sound cliché, the end of a relationship offers you the chance to reconnect with you. This may mean taking up a new hobby or reuniting with friends. Taking the time to do things that make you feel good, like seeing family, finding a new talent, or going on holiday will all help boost your mood post-break-up. This focus on yourself also means you can enter your next relationship with a self-awareness you may have lost. Rather than rushing into a new relationship, take time to focus on your relationship with you.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help

Rarely do people come to the decision to end a relationship at the same time. When this is the case, one side is usually surprised or shocked – which will only extend the grieving process. In addition to these feelings of shock, feelings of rejection can also be apparent when a partner ends a relationship seemingly out of the blue.

If the end of your relationship came as a shock, it is normal to feel rejected or question your self-worth. But if your partner has made it clear that they no longer want a relationship with you, and that there is no chance of reconciliation – accept what they are saying and focus on yourself.

Just because a partner has ended a relationship does not mean you are unlovable or unworthy of their love. Rather than focusing on what you did wrong, focus instead on what you can do to make yourself feel better in the moment.

If you think that blocking your ex on social media will help you feel less sad, then it is the right thing to do – as limiting exposure can often help us keep our mind off of the pain.

Talking also helps – but just make sure to set limits with your friends and family about what you feel comfortable discussing. While you may be ready to talk about your ex, you may not feel entirely comfortable hearing them talk badly about your ex or your relationship. However, talking through your emotions can be beneficial and often an outside perspective can be helpful. The same is true when and if you decide to get rid of the physical reminders of your relationship. While keeping pictures and other memorabilia is perfectly okay, it is also okay to throw this stuff away if it only causes you pain.

And if you have things that you need to return to your ex, having a friend or family member deliver them for you can ease some of the pressure and sadness associated with seeing them again.

During a break-up, and in the time that follows, relying on your support system is necessary for healing.

Time does actually heal all

You may not realize it in the moment, but as time goes on, the feelings of hurt and betrayal will lessen. Reminders of your relationship won’t be as painful and one day, whether it is months or a year from now, thinking of that person won’t cause the same feelings of sadness and hurt to bubble up.

Although time is relative to each relationship, moving past these negative feelings in the time we feel we need is integral. If this means ignoring the typical timelines for dealing with heartbreak, that is okay.

However, if our negative feelings aren’t healing in time, it may be beneficial to seek professional help in coming to terms with these emotions. As thinking negative or painful thoughts can be damaging to us and to future relationships, getting back into a positive mindset is crucial.

The first year will be the hardest – and understanding this is important. You will have moments of sadness and nostalgia, but as long as you remind yourself that the end of the relationship wasn’t entirely your fault, they should pass.

Do not accept complete blame for the break-up – but at the same time, try to reflect on what you could have done differently. Relationships involve two people, and a break-up is never the fault of one person entirely.

But if you are still having trouble moving on or feel that your emotions relating to the break-up are affecting your ability to enjoy life, talking to someone can help.

If you are to successfully move on with your life after a heartbreak, letting go of the negative and focusing only on the positive and the future is key.

This way, when you do find love again, you will be entering the relationship as the best version of yourself.

Being able to love deeply is an incredible ability – and it is one that will benefit you as you move forward with your life following a heartbreak.

 

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Is My Ex Looking At My Facebook Profile: How To Know If My Ex Has Been Stalking Me On Facebook

Here is a piece sent to me by one of my loyal readers. What are your thoughts on this article?

It isn’t uncommon to go through a breakup and find that you still have feelings for your ex. Many people who have gotten out of relationships find that they really would like to know if their ex still has a desire to have them in their life. Searching for signs can be very confusing if you aren’t sure what to look for. Here are some of the most common signs you can keep an eye out for that can indicate your ex still wants you.

If, for some reason, your ex is still in contact with you after you have broken up, this might mean that he or she is taking some time to work out their feelings. Don’t push the issue of getting back together or even bring in up. Instead, see if you can find out what he or she is saying to friends and family. If you hear that he or she is asking about you or shows concern for your well-being, there is a good chance your ex still has some feelings for you. Don’t come right out and ask the question, though. See if you can get it to come up naturally in conversation.

Unless your ex is going through some sort of 12-step program or they are being reborn in some way, if he or she is apologetic about something they did during the relationship, chances are that it is a good sign that there are still feelings for you involved. Not only does this show that regret, it also shows that they are trying to make some positive changes.

Having some confirmation of residual feelings from an ex can help with healing and offer hope. If you want another chance with an ex, take your time, pay attention to the signs and listen if he or she wants to talk. Don’t push the issue and eventually the opportunity to rekindle the relationship should present itself.

Pay Close Attention Here-

Now listen carefully! Take 2 minutes to read the next page and you’ll discover a stunning trick which will have your ex begging you to take them back. There is a set of easy to follow psychological tricks which will make your ex crawl back to you within a few days guaranteed. I strongly urge you to read everything here before it’s too late and time runs out.

You just know that the only thing that will mend your broken heart is if you can get your ex back. The only thing is you were so angry with each other when you broke up, that you are too afraid to contact your ex. How do you know if your ex still loves you? Is there still a chance that you can get back together again?

Well first of all you were angry with each other because you probably said really nasty things to each other, and secondly, it’s a good thing that you don’t make any contact with your ex at all right now. Carry on with your life as you normally would – get back into that hobby of yours, go out with your friends, and spend time with your family.

How do you know if your ex still loves you? There are signs out there that will show you whether your ex still has feelings for you, and you’ll recognize them on and off each day.

While you’re out having fun with your friends, and your ex pitches up, check to see if he/she is alone or with someone else. If your ex is alone, then it could be that your ex made a point of being in the same place as you are. Take note and see if this happens on a regular basis. If it does, then it is not coincidence that your ex is there all the time – he/she knows where you’ll be at any given moment and makes sure to be there at the same time as you.

Another thing, keep your ears open and listen to what your friends are saying – they might mention things that your ex is saying about you. The things you hear will tell you whether the signs are positive or not. How do you know if your ex still loves you? Read the signs – they’re all there, and then make a decision.

Since the split, you’ve had the desire to get a hold of your ex, in any manner possible, and do whatever it takes to work out the problems that caused them to leave you. But before you reach for that phone, stop, and think about what you are doing for a minute. When you want to make your ex fall for you again, it is important that you do not act rashly, and that you use your head.

It isn’t advised to contact him or her right after a split anyway – breakups are nasty occurrences, and the things that are said, while in the heat of passion and anger, are still very hurtful nonetheless – emotions are too tense and the level of anger between the two of you is still too high. The best thing you can do when you want to make your ex fall for you again is to keep your distance for awhile.

During this time apart, it is helpful to take a good hard look back on your relationship to determine where things started to go wrong. You have to know what it is you have to fix before you can fix it. And if your relationship ended in a split, obviously something was awry. You cannot reconcile if you are just going to make the same mistakes all over again. Take your blame where it is due, and work on fixing the problems.

Take this time to take a look in the mirror and get back in shape or get a makeover if you’ve let yourself go a little bit since the split. Hook up with your friends and have a great time. Make sure that you are good company to your friends and make sure to have a blast. Without doing anything directly, you are setting things in motion to make your ex fall for you again.

He or she will hear, through mutual friends, about how good you look and how much fun you are having in your single life. This will most certainly get the attention of your ex, as it may make them feel as though there is a chance that you could be moving on. They are going to miss you and want to be in our life once again, and will do what they need to do to make that happen.

Do you want to get back with your ex? There are proven steps that are amazingly powerful that will have your ex asking you to get back together. This is a plan you do not want to pass by.

Is getting back together with an ex a good idea? You find yourself wishing that you can get back with your ex after a breakup. You were alone and vulnerable and you just want to be with your ex again. Now your ex is here and they are willing to give it another shot

Getting back together with an ex may or may not be a good idea. Sometimes it depends on the reason of the breakup or whether or not it really is meant to be.

Why you should get back together with an ex.

· The two of you are back together and the things you shared will be back together once more. It’s possible that this renewal will bring greater things or be better than before.

· After all the heartbreak you’ve endured, it feels wonderful to get back together.

· You already know each other so you don’t have to start from scratch getting to know each other. Unlike in new relationships, you need to make good impressions and it takes a while to get to know each other.

· The make-up sex is great! Those who have been in this position would agree

· Everyone deserves a second chance and you’ll be putting yourself up to more disappointment if you’re searching for perfection

· You and your ex knew what it felt like to lose each other so you’ll try harder the second time around.

· You might end up regretting not getting back together and your ex will become “the one that got away”

What can you do to get your ex back? Is it possible to make your ex miss you like crazy?

To learn the killer, advanced strategies to get your ex back, simply click here!

However, there are times when rebuilding a broken relationship is not the best idea.

· Sometimes it would never be what it used to be. Breakups happen for a reason and sometimes it’s just not meant to be anymore. The magic is gone and there’s no reason to get back together.

· You may have forgiven your ex but at the back of your mind, a tiny voice is warning you that they could hurt you again. They did it once and you couldn’t help feeling afraid that you would make the same mistake again.

· If you got back together for the wrong reasons, then you will end up breaking up again. Feeling lonely or being scared that you may not find anyone to love you are not good reasons to get back with your ex.

· Fights and arguments between the two of you may be worse since you’ve broken up. That’s because you would end up wondering and reconsidering if getting back together was the right idea. You may think that staying separated might have been the best option after all.

· You learn from each new relationship because meeting new people allows you to grow. There’s no room to grow if you get back with your ex. If this person is not the one for you and you just got back together because you’re tired of looking, then you may never know if there is someone better for you.

If getting back together with an ex is what you really want, then you and your ex need to discuss all the changes that needed to be done as a couple. You must be open with each other because if you’re not willing to make changes, then you’ll be breaking up again.

Timing is critical when getting your ex back. Ex partners often consider a rebound relationship or just casual sex to get over you. You need to act right now. What you need is a complete, step-by-step system to take your hand and show you exactly what to do next to get your ex back in 30 days or less.

 

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The 6 Real Reasons Men Usually Leave Women

It’s not what you think.

When partners are in agreement that they both want to move on, those endings are just part of life, and both people are willing to try again with someone else. It’s different when the decision is one-sided. If only one partner wants the relationship to continue, while the other is ready to end it, the person left behind is often left struggling to learn how to deal with a breakup and get over their heartbreak, while the other must bear the guilt of leaving.

Most people who leave a relationship are ready to move on. But some, after time passes, begin to regret their decision.

Once they have put the negative aspects of that past relationship behind, they begin to miss the good times. Haunted by having left someone they perhaps truly loved, they wonder if they should have tried harder to make the relationship work, and begin to search for that lost love.

They may find that their past partners are no longer available, and so they’ve missed their chance. But sometimes they find out that a past love is unattached, and the possibility that they might have another chance awakens a compelling desire to try again. Even if their feelings may no longer be reciprocated, they cannot walk away without finding out.

Partners who want to reconnect with an old love they’ve once left must make certain they understand what went wrong between them. Knowing whether their own characteristic behaviors were the problem can make the difference between succeeding or failing the second time around.

Over the years, I have made note of the most common reasons why he left you and abandoned your relationship prematurely.

1. He has a fear of commitment.

The fear of commitment is one of the most common reasons people cite for leaving relationships. Those partners have difficulty understanding the difference between commitment and entrapment. They often feel pressure to make promises they may not be able to keep, especially on the other end of someone who is ready for a long-term relationship.

If one partner feels that the other wants a commitment and isn’t ready, he or she will sense that desire as a potential trap. Feeling locked into a relationship that might lose its allure feels too scary.

When a relationship no longer has new discoveries to experience, has continual conflict, or loses its attraction, most people pull back their energy and resources. The fear of commitment will logically become a fear of entrapment when relationships stop evolving and regenerating.

People who see commitment as entrapment may not be able to imagine a long-term relationship that doesn’t feel potentially confining or obligated. If they go back to a relationship they once left behind, they must redefine and resolve that fear, or the same behavior will likely recur.

2. He lacks the readiness for a long-term relationship.

Many people feel unable to stay in a permanent relationship because they don’t feel wise or experienced enough to promise a future they cannot foresee. They don’t know themselves deeply enough to predict what they might want someday and are not ready to stop exploring other alternatives that might be better.

This inability and unwillingness to foresee what might happen is natural in young adults, but older people can also feel unable to predict who they might yet become. It is not wrong or necessarily immature to opt for pleasure, to choose a life of continuing adventure, to embrace constant new discoveries, or to enjoy novel situations.

There are quality people who should never be in a long-term relationship. Though those intertwinements offer security, shared memories, and mutual dreams for the future, they require that both partners maintain their devotion and continue to regenerate their love.

When people want that security but cannot give up their freedom, they must ultimately make a choice. They may leave relationships that feel wonderfully satisfying but anticipate they will need to move on someday.

3. He wishes to go back to an unfinished relationship.

It is totally possible to love more than one person at a time. Many people leave relationships, even though they still have strong feelings for the other person, to recommit to a new partner. They rationalize leaving because there were just too many problems, or they felt unfulfilled.

After time elapses, the partner in a new relationship begins to face a new set of problems. He or she begins to remember the magical moments of their past love.

Negatively comparing the present relationship to the one that’s gone, memories pervade consciousness, and the present relationship dims in importance. The desire to go back to the old love intensifies, and the present relationship becomes a casualty.

4. He doesn’t have faith in successful long-term relationships.

Childhood experiences compounded with sequential adult interactions heavily impact the trust anyone has in whether a long-term, quality relationship is even possible. Many people, for example, have parents who failed to stay together, often through disastrous interactions and painful outcomes.

When people allow their past experiences to determine their future options, they will love the romantic phases of new relationships but become easily discouraged when the lust/discovery/honeymoon period wears off. Instead of energetically embracing that next emerging state of deeper friendship and commitment, they begin to focus on what isn’t going right.

People become what they anticipate and get better at those choices as they practice. If they are looking for problems, they will find them and assume they are unfixable. Their basic, underlying unconscious mind tells them continuously that all relationships are eventually doomed, and they begin to make that a self-fulfilling prophecy.

To make an old relationship work, those naysayers must change their ways of thinking by understanding where their attitudes came from and how those limitations have affected the outcomes of their relationships. Otherwise, going back to lost loves after breakups will not work any better than it did the first time.

5. He prefers to choose easy over challenging.

Long-lasting, successful relationships take work, and the partners within them don’t shirk that commitment. They know that their continuing regeneration is absolutely dependent on continuing to care deeply about each other and the relationship.

When relationship seekers don’t understand that basic principle or aren’t willing to put in the effort, they often pick partners who don’t ask much of them. The relationship doesn’t need much but also doesn’t offer much in the long run.

Boredom is often the result of a too easy, too predictable relationship, which may be why he left you. All human beings seek security, but also need novelty and challenge to be at their best. When relationship seekers opt for easy, they risk becoming involved in a relationship that will cease to hold their attention.

As boredom increases, many partners will seek novelty and excitement outside the relationship. The couple begins to spend less time and energy on the relationship, and the distance between them increases.

6. He lacks the skills to transform romantic feelings to deeper love.

When love is new, it is often spectacularly intense and magically seductive. New lovers are spellbound — enraptured and captured by the experience of each other. Both put their best feet forward, keep their liabilities hidden, and devote themselves selflessly to the needs and desires of their new partners. They willingly put all other involvements on the back burner, offering all of their resources first to each other.

People who have not learned the skills to transform their romantic feelings into deep love and conviction come to a halt when the love/lust part of the relationship naturally wanes. They have had either the unrealistic expectation that those feelings should always be there throughout the length of a relationship, or have never known the wonder of deeper love.

When they are no longer enamored and caught up in the seductive process of new connection, they fear that they will never experience those feelings again.

Before anyone tries to go back to a prior love, they must look deeply into their own reasons for why they chose to leave before.

Do they pick the same kind of partners that will never work, no matter how hard they try? Do they feel that any permanent decision in their lives is doomed to end in entrapment? Are they just not long-term relationship material? Do they always regret their past decisions? Do they have faith that any long-term relationship will work? Do they pick people who don’t challenge them, so they don’t have to think about long-term decisions? Have they never learned the skills to transform new love into mutually committed treasuring?

There are re-connections that do work, and beautifully, but those are the exceptions, not the rule. The chances of success are much greater if people know why they left, have changed their behaviors, have learned the skills to do it better the next time around, and have a willing partner at their side.

When a person is ready to do those things and has a welcoming, accepting partner, I have personally observed the heart-warming sweetness of these rekindled loves.

Randi Gunther is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor. Her free relationship advice e-newsletter, Heroic Love, shows you how to avoid the common pitfalls that cause marriage problems, breakups, and divorce.

 

 

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5 Things You Need to Think About Before Breaking up With Your Partner

Breaking up is difficult, no matter what.

Are you wondering how to break up with someone you’ve been with for a while now? Do you want to end your relationship without any regret or heartbreak?

Are you mostly sure that the person you are with is not the person for you? Are you desperately trying to figure out whether you are doing the right thing?

Breaking up with someone you love (but may no longer be in love with) is difficult for everyone involved. You need to be fully aware that if you don’t do this right, you could leave the other person devastated and heartbroken.

Ending a relationship without regret is fully possible. In an ideal world, every relationship would end without regrets and with your head held high.

Here are 5 things to remember when you want to break up with someone and end your relationship with no regret.

1. Make sure that you give it your best shot

When you want to end a relationship without regret, it’s very important to make sure that you do everything in your power to make it work.

Many people walk away from relationships without really doing honest work. They leave because their guy doesn’t understand their feelings or their girl won’t let them go out with the guys on the weekends.

In the words of Arianna Grande, “Thank you, next.”

But, what if there is a hidden gem under that surface issue that you don’t see because you just up and walk away from a relationship? What if your guy doesn’t understand your feelings but he loves you madly and would love to figure out how to do it but he needs you to show him?

My boyfriend once said to me, in the face of my sadness, “I don’t know what to do!!!” And he didn’t. He had a better idea once I showed him.

So, make sure you aren’t breaking up with someone because of some surface sentiment. Do the work, dig deep, talk to your person about the things that are frustrating you and see if you can fix them so you can continue moving forward together.

Wouldn’t you hate to see your person with someone else, being the person that you wanted them to be but never asked?

2. Do it for the right reasons

Make sure, when you are thinking about how to end a relationship without regret, that you are doing it for the right reasons. If you are ending your relationship because there is someone else, don’t. The grass isn’t always greener, no matter how amazing it looks right now.

If you are ending your relationship because your friends or family tell you that you should, don’t. This is your relationship and you need to figure out if this is the person for you.

If you are ending your relationship because your person doesn’t make enough money or isn’t hot enough or listens to weird music, don’t. Just because someone doesn’t fit society’s ideal of the perfect person, that doesn’t mean they might not be the perfect person for you.

Make sure that you are ending your relationship for the right reasons, that you have given it thought and know that this person is not the right person for you. If you don’t, you might always regret it!

3. Don’t be a ghost

If you want to end a relationship and feel good about it, don’t disappear.

Ghosting seems to be the thing these days — men and women disappearing without a word to their partner. Whether it be because they are scared to face someone or they are too lazy to deal or they are just too busy, people just vanish, never to be heard from again.

And, while this might feel good at the moment, I can promise you that someday, you will regret it.

You will regret treating someone with so little respect, knowing that you have hurt them deeply and that you could have done things differently.

Once you ghost someone, you can’t take it back. You will always be the person who did that.

So, if you are considering ghosting your person, don’t. I can promise you that you will regret it — big time — someday.

4. Allow them to speak their piece

When you are breaking up with someone it is important for them to be able to have a conversation with you about your decision to end the relationship.

People like to process breakups and whether the relationship ending abruptly or died a slow death, it is important that each of you get the opportunity to talk about it with the other.

I am not saying that it needs to be hashed out over and over and over but giving each other the chance to say what needs to be said is a very important piece of ending a relationship without regret.

5. Do unto others

If you are still wondering how to end a relationship without regret, here is the gold standard for doing so.

The very best way to end a relationship without regret is by treating your person the way you would want to be treated.

That is not to say that if you aren’t the kind of person who doesn’t want to process a breakup verbally, you don’t let your partner do that. I am sure that, if the shoe was on the other foot, you would want to be treated with kindness and respect. You wouldn’t want your person to disappear or talk about you behind your back. You would like to speak your piece and move on.

So, think carefully about how you would feel if someone was breaking up with you and how you would want to be treated in the process.

Thinking about how to end a relationship without regret ahead of time is an excellent way to ensure that your relationship ends well.

Having regret about the end of a relationship is something that you will have to live with forever. And I can promise you, from first-hand experience, you don’t want that and the broken heart that comes with it.

So, make sure that you don’t give up too quickly, that you don’t disappear, that you are doing it for the right reasons and that you allow them to say what they need to say.

If you do these things, you will be able to move forward with a clear conscience and find the love of your life.

Good luck! You can do it!

Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. She works with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world. 

 

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Kita – Chapter 32 – Locked and Loaded

“I’m sad about the loss of the nostalgic love I had with him. We’ve obviously grown apart.”

She comes into the salon and as always I’m delighted to see my little China doll.

I’m so fickle. I love so many women. Cherie’s my girlfriend, but I hardly see her due to our schedules. I want to stay with her and I like this arrangement. I’m sure she’s not happy about it, but I like the idea of having a girlfriend that isn’t around much. It just works great for me. Just ‘greatest hits’ and gone. Then back again for more a month later. It’s always glorious to be with Cherie, but I love my freedom to work and be with my friends and my alone time.

I have another gift for Kita. But she starts the conversation first.

“I texted JR.”

I look away and grimace.

“No wait. Let me tell you what happened, Charles.”

“I’m listening.”

“I just asked him how he was doing and he got combative right away. I was like, how are you? and he said, ‘can’t you see on Instagram?’ I don’t follow him on any social media.”

“That’s good. You shouldn’t. Don’t look at that stuff, it’ll make you crazy.”

“So my friend who didn’t know we were broken up asked me why JR is posting all these pictures with some girl that’s not me. I told her we had split and she said the girl isn’t so hot, and it’s his loss.”

“Obviously. You’re beautiful, kind and sweet, Kita. He’s a manipulative idiot that squandered the best person in his life.”

“Thank you, Charles. So he said he moved on because I took up with Steve and that forced him to move on. It really made me mad because I only started talking to Steve because JR was doing what he did for all of last year.” (See her record in my previous post about Kita)

“Exactly. He’s trying to turn it around like you left him and took up with someone from his crappy neighborhood, and he’s butt hurt about it now that he can no longer control you. He abandoned you, Kita. He’s an asshole.”

“Yea, I was just trying to do the adult thing and be civil to him and maybe get some closure, and he started in on me trying to make me feel guilty when that simply isn’t the case. He’s a punk and I’m done with him. Steve was my rebound and I’m done with him too, but I’m not going to talk to JR anymore. The way he behaved on the phone shows me who he really is and even though I’m sad about the loss of the nostalgic love I had with him, we’ve obviously grown apart.”

“You’re correct in your thinking, Kita. You’ve grown out of his juvenile controlling, insecure behavior. He’s a child. You said yourself, you hate boys. I know they suck, but it gets better. TIME takes care of everything. I promise. I’ve been through a lot. Pain and heartbreak is a natural process we all have to go through at some point and it’s how we learn to cope with loss.”

“You’re right. Thank you. Do you have any snacks?”

I go and get my stash. and hand her the box full of cereal bars.

“Mmm… Oatmeal raisin!” She says as she happily bites into the bar.

I love feeding her and taking care of her.

“I have something for you.”

Her lovely eyes light up. “Ooh… what is it?”

I hand her this:

“Ohhh! Awesome! Thank you! My mom is going to be so happy when I tell her you gave me this!”

As she’s reading the instruction on the back of the package, I smile and my mind drifts to an imaginary conversation with her father the Admiral.

“Kita, I don’t know how comfortable I am with my 21 year old daughter hanging around with some middle aged man from a tanning salon. You’re going out to dinner with him and spending an exorbitant amount of time with this man.”

“He’s a dad with a daughter my age who has lived him since she was 18. He gave me this last week. (Shows dad the pepper spray) That’s the first thing he gave his daughter when she came to live in Philly.”

“Approved. Spend all the time you want with him. He sounds like my kinda guy.”

My active and creative mind also cruises into another fantasy sequence…

“Kita. I love you and have strong feelings for you. You know that. The more time you spend with me the more my feelings will grow for you. I know you’re a young woman of great virtue and want to retain your maidenhood. But one day you’ll be skipping through the woods bringing a picnic basket full of goodies to your grandma. I’ll emerge from the darkness and reveal to you the wolf I truly am. (I hand Kita the pepper spray) This… is for that day.”

Funny, right? I’m the one Kita needs to worry about. But all kidding aside. I never operate like that. If she comes to me… When she comes to me, she will do so willingly and yield to me. That’s how it always is in my life. I never take. It’s always handed over to me in mutual celebration.

I dream of that day. I think of her asleep in my arms. I smell her hair as I’m nestled behind her like a spoon. My mind recalling the night before of passionate, searing lovemaking the like she’s never felt.

Back to reality…

“Here let me show you how it works, dear.”

I show her how to hook the unit to her key chain. I hold her dainty hand in mine and guide it to the quick release button to separate the pepper spray unit from the key chain. I then show her how to hold it and how to simply slide the safety to the right to engage the unit.

She’s holding it.

“It’s now armed, Kita. Press down on the trigger and fire it in a horizontal, back and forth motion across the assailants eyes. It will immobilize your attacker and give you time to get away quickly and call 911.”

She presses down on the trigger and the unit shoots a tight stream of the police grade pepper spray 10 feet away at the wall.

“Ooohh! Wow! That really works! Thank you, Charles! I got it. I’m ready!”

“Keep that with you at all times, Kita. You’re only five feet tall. You’re small and someone may think they can take you. You hit them across the eyes with that, and they will be temporarily blinded with searing pain in their eyes and it’ll give you time to get away. I care about you and don’t want anything to happen to you.”

“You’re so amazing, Charles. I’m so glad I met you.”

She grabs me and hugs me. Kissing my face and lips.

I love this. (And hope she never has to use it on me…

Kidding! It’ll be the last thing on her mind if…. WHEN she comes to me.)

We’re making progress…

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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Should I Talk to My Ex? 15 Revealing Questions to Find Your Answer

Should I talk to my ex? Deciding whether or not to talk to your ex is a hard choice. You don’t necessarily want to just cut this person out of your life so abruptly. But, you also don’t want to maintain the relationship you had. There is a reason you broke up in the first place.

But, there are a lot of things to consider when deciding whether or not you should talk to your ex. And ultimately, the decision is yours.

So, is it beneficial to talk to your ex? Is it worth the trouble? Is it a positive addition to your life or will it make things harder for you? These are just some of the things to consider when you ask yourself, should I talk to my ex?

Should I talk to my ex now?

First things first, you do not need to make this decision right now. Whether you just broke up or it has been a while, you can think about it. You do not need to respond to a text or decide this right now. As I said, you have a lot to consider here, take your time.

From my experience, if you rush this decision, one way or another, it is not easy to back out later. 

Should I talk to my ex?

Now that it has come time for you to consider whether or not to talk to your ex, balance the pros and cons. Think about what talking to them would add to your life, if anything.

Did you break up mutually and you’re on good terms? Or do you still hold resentment towards each other? Read on to help yourself answer the questions, should I talk to my ex?

#1 Did you just break up? If you and your ex just recently ended things, it is best to take a break for a while. Sure, if you need to talk to move out or get your stuff back, but otherwise taking time away from each other will help you move on.

If you talk too soon after a break up, you won’t get that ending. You don’t get to feel that loss or mourn the relationship. You need some time to not see them or talk to them before considering talking again. [Read: 13 essentials you need to move on from heartbreak]

#2 Do you share friends? This is a big one. If not talking to your ex messes with your friends, it may be best to swallow any resentment or bitterness and be cordial. This does not mean you need to text each other or keep up with the latest, but it does mean you will probably need to be okay sharing small talk with the group.

Again, you don’t need to force yourself to do this if it makes you uncomfortable,but if you can put aside the residual relationship problems while you’re with friends, everyone will be better off.

#3 Work together? Working together is just as important as sharing friends, if not more so. Neither one of you wants to put your job at risk because you ended your outside relationship. So, don’t.

If you can work together on the most professional level, wonderful. Walking past their desk or bumping into them in the copy room should be a piece of cake. But, if you work closely together or one of you is the other’s superior you may need to go to human resources to make things easier for both you and anyone else affected. 

#4 Do you need closure? If you aren’t considering talking to your ex in the long run, but need to in order to hurdle the end of your relationship, then by all means, do it. My advice though is to be upfront about what you want out of that talk.

If you are meeting with your ex, don’t be misleading about it. When making the plan let them know you need to get closure and talk out anything you may not have before the breakup. You can both be mature and calm about it. I know it may not seem that way, but you can.

#5 Does one of you want to get back together? If either you or your ex is looking to start things up again, talking may not be the best idea. Sure, you can talk to let them know you’re not interested in that, but try to hold back on deep conversation.

These sorts of talks with your ex seem polite and friendly at first but can get messy very quickly if you are not careful. 

#6 Do you get along? You may think that you get along because you dated them for so many months or years but really think about this. Many relationships thrive off of passion rather than friendship or communication. If you don’t get along in the most basic of situations, talking to your ex is not going to go over well.

For example, I have an ex I never talk to. We ran into each other once after the breakup. It was clear we just didn’t get one another outside of the walls of a relationship. But, I have another ex where we can bond over tons of topics. We can sit and talk about anything, just as friends.

You do not want to talk to an ex that will make the talking hard for you.

#7 Are they respectful of you moving on? Whether you need to move on from your ex or move on with someone else, talking to your ex is only worth it if they can be respectful of your privacy. If they feel the need to know your current dating situation or feel the need to judge you for it, it is just not worth it.

It may seem rude to cut your ex out of your life, but if they don’t add to it, why bother with them? And remember, the same goes for you. You may want to talk to your ex, but if you will have a hard time dealing with them moving on, just don’t.

#8 Do you want to be friends? Often times, people talk with their ex for a bunch of reasons that do not include actually wanting to be friends with them. They want to be nice or cordial or mature, but none of that is really necessary.

If you do not want to be friends with your ex, you do not have to be, it is as simple as that. 

#9 Is this for them or for you? I am not claiming to know anything about your relationship or why it ended, but no matter the terms, only talk to your ex if it is beneficial to you and your life. You may feel bad that you hurt them so you want to make things easier for them by talking regularly.

You may like their family or just want to gradually slow things down. The thing is, any reason for talking to your ex that isn’t for you and your well-being or happiness will make things harder than they have to be.

#10 Do you trust them? If you are just talking in passing hallways, trust isn’t that big of a deal.But, if you are considering talking to your ex on a regular basis, about anything more important than the weather, you need to trust them.

Talking to a liar or someone you cannot trust not only lessens the friendship, but it also makes you lose trust in yourself. No matter who your ex is to you now, having someone in your life that you do not trust is toxic. 

#11 Is it worth the potential drama? Is your ex stable? During your relationship, were your fights calm and collected? Or did they lose it? If this person was fine with yelling at you or losing their temper or talking to people in your life behind your back before, they will continue to do so.

Is that drama and headache worth it? Is your friendship with your ex really so important that you will continue to put up with the stuff you probably ended the relationship for?

#12 Is there already drama? Think about right now. Are you considering talking to your ex because they are reaching out? Are they claiming you are mean, cruel, or cold-hearted because you won’t respond to them?

You may think it would be easier just to answer, but in fact, that is what they want. They want a rise out of you. If someone is already harassing you and you aren’t entertaining them, things will only get worse if you do. 

#13 Why did you break up? Did you break up because you grew apart? Did one of you take a job offer far away? Did one of you cheat? Think about the true reason things ended. If it was mutual and you would both benefit from continuing to talk, then go for it.

But, if things ended because your relationship was dysfunctional or poisonous to your mental, physical, or emotional health, do not talk to your ex.

#14 Were you friends before you dated? If you started out as friends before they became your ex, you may be able to get back to that state now. You can bond over what you did before things got romantic. Just remember, you have a history now and if you can’t overcome that, things will likely get messy.

Having access to your ex regularly almost always ends badly or regrettably, but if you can find common platonic groups to focus on, talking to your ex could actually be nice. 

#15 Why do you need to talk? Ask yourself why you are even considering talking to your ex. Do you miss them and need closure? Do you want your favorite DVD back? Think about the reason why you ask yourself this question. Is it reasonable and rational for you to talk to your ex, or is it something else?

Considering all of these possibilities, is it worth it for you to talk to your ex? In almost every case when I have asked myself, should I talk to my ex, the answer was no.

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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Patrizia – The Tipping Point

“After crying and demanding I hold her, she strips naked and tries to rape me.”

A few years ago I was on a rebound and I found a girl who liked me.

Patrizia.

We had been dating for almost three months. She was hot, but she had issues. Four times she had blacked out while drinking and become a total bitch. She was also on antidepressants which she was bad at taking, she wasn’t super affectionate when sober, and she was too reliant on her parents. Oh, and she may have occasionally puked up her dinner.

This is the story of her 5th blackout. I had already told her if it happened again, we were done, but this one took the cake. It was restaurant week so we went to dinner at a nice Asian restaurant. It was normal for me to spend way too much money on Patrizia, but that was another issue. We have a decent dinner and a few drinks. We decide to meet my friends at a bar that’s close. Her friend has a birthday party the next afternoon at a bar where there is a drinking contest, so we decide to take the night easy.

At the bar where my friends are there’s a special on a 10% beer. The first thing Patrizia does is order one. I remind her that we have a long day tomorrow and that it’s strong. Fifteen minutes later she orders another. At this point I’m 25% breaking up with her.

She’s clearly getting drunk. My friends mention the bar where they are spending the night and she already wants to go. So much for an easy night. Another beer for her. I’m getting perturbed, and after telling her to slow down, I go outside to cool off. It’s about 20 degrees. My friends can tell I’m getting angry.

Patrizia orders another beer. She’s wasted. My friends decide to help me out and decide they are going to the other bar and we should head home. She demands going with them, she stands up, and falls down. I help her with her coat as they leave.

While waiting for a cab outside I tell her that if we don’t go home, we’re done.  She says she doesn’t care.

We get in our cab. I tell the driver her address. She screams that she wants to go to the bar and the driver listens to her. At this point I am at 55% breaking up with her.

When we arrive at the bar she stumbles across the street. I motion to the bouncers to not let her in. She also almost falls down while walking. For the first fifteen minutes I try with the bouncers to tell her to go home. Eventually I just go to the smoking area and talk to random people. I try to call her brother to get him to talk sense into her but he doesn’t answer.

Now 45 minutes into this and still outside and after multiple attempts by her to run past the bouncers they literally pick her up and throw her in a cab. I get in, and tell him her address. Now you may ask why I’ve not left yet. Well, if she got in somehow, it was my friends issue to deal with her and I didn’t want that to happen. Also I was worried for her safety. At this point I am 80% breaking up with her.

About a mile and a half down the road she starts screaming that she wants to go back to the bar. I try to calm her down but the driver won’t deal with it, and we get kicked out. She proceeds to walk in the freezing weather the mile and a half back to the bar. She almost gets hit by a few cars along the way.

When we get to the bar the bouncers are pissed. I ask if they’re calling the cops, to which they shake their heads yes. I ask for 5 minutes and call her mother at 1am. Her mother answers and I explain, she was not shocked which was odd, then her mother talks to her and she listens. We get in a taxi and head to her place. I am 90% breaking up with her.

On the taxi ride back she gets pissed I called her mother. At this point its worth mentioning I was in a brace due to surgery on my arm. She leans over and starts punching me in the face, a total of 6 times. I’m shocked, but finally throw her into the other side of the taxi. She stops. I am 100% breaking up with her. I tell her that we are over for good and there’s no coming back. She cries for the next 10 minutes to get to her house.

The taxi driver says he’ll wait for me, I grab her keys and after 5 minutes (stupid lock was hard) I get her front door open. I push her in and throw her keys at her and walk away. The whole time she’s talking about having sex with me. The driver has a good talk with me on the way home.

When I get home, I unfriend her and all her friends on Facebook. I turn off my phone, and go to bed. She calls me the next morning (after I woke up and turned my phone on) like nothing happened wanting to go to the birthday party. I remind her we’re over. She cries, not remembering as usual. She asks if we can at least break up while she’s sober and I say we can talk in a week.

One day before we are supposed to meet she had plans with friends for happy hour. She calls me after asking if we could meet that day instead. When she shows up at my house she’s drunk, I can smell the booze. After crying and demanding I hold her, she strips naked and tries to rape me. She was small, it wasn’t happening, but if she was a guy, she would be in jail. The worst part is I never really said my piece. I never went off and yelled at her. This would bother me until I finally had a random hookup months later. I never got over her, no matter how horrible she was because I didn’t get closure myself.

Sometimes life sucks but it does get better. I have found that writing about all of these experiences brings understanding, resolution and closure for me.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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