Amount of Young People Who Don’t Have a Romantic Partner up SIGNIFICANTLY Since 2004

Are your extensive right-swiping efforts fruitless? Do you spend hours at the smoothie bar at Whole Foods in an attempt to meet chicks, but end up going to the beer tap at the grocery store to drink away your loneliness? Well, chin up because a majority of young Americans can’t find love according to a new study.

According to a new study from the General Social Survey, 51 percent of Americans between the ages of 18 and 34 do not have a steady romantic partner. You have to ask, how many married couples have a steady romantic partner? This is interesting because that number is significantly higher than in 2004 when the figure was 33 percent, the lowest number since the GSS first asked the question in 1986. The number is up from the 2016 findings that 45 percent of young people were single.

The General Social Survey is a “biennial, nationally representative survey that has been conducted by NORC at the University of Chicago since 1972 to monitor societal change and study the growing complexity of American society.”

In other relationship surveys from the GSS, the amount of people saying that they had a divorce has been steady or declining since 2014. People who were very happy in their marriage were up in 2018, 65 percent compared to 60 percent in 2016. The question was asked, “Is it wrong to have sex before marriage?” The response was 17 percent in 2018, the lowest level since the question was first asked in 1972 when it was at 34 percent.

A Pew Research Center study found that about 18 million unmarried partners were living with their partner. The cohabitation unmarried couples was up 29 percent since 2007.

The polls don’t only focus on relationships, they also find the pulse in the U.S. on a variety of topics such as current affairs, social issues, economic well-being, civil liberties, crime, politics, work, and religion.

So if you haven’t found that special someone don’t get worried, most other people haven’t either.

 

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4 Ways the Most Attractive Men Get Women to Fall for Them

It’s pretty simple.

Do you know what women want in a man? How do you become the man she constantly thinks about?

To be attractive in her eyes, you have to learn how to connect with women on another level that most men don’t know how to do.

So many women think, “If he only knew!” Well, by the following the right dating advice, you’ll know how to get a girl to like you!

We, women, desire to be wanted by a man just like a man desires to be wanted from a woman. But the ultimate connection happens when you understand how a woman thinks. We are completely different from men in the way we process things and in terms of what makes us fall in love.

 

So, what do women find attractive? It all starts with an emotional connection. This does not mean that you get overly emotional and attached, but it does mean you voice your desires early on. This means showing her that you are the kind of guy that she wants.

The time that you spend with her is very important in the attraction phase. Make sure you remain calm, cool and collected while you are attracting her. You do fun things and make things pretty light-hearted early on. Do not put pressure on her. She has to want to desire you. This is how you make your presence known.

So, once you start going out on dates and you want her to think about you non-stop, the goal is to remain in control of the situation. Do not tell her you to want to be with her on the first, second, or third date. Also, do not get mad at petty things and throw a line like, “What kind of girl are you? Are you looking for something serious?” This is too aggressive.

Many men go in head first too soon. Listen, things come up in life so try not to respond with an ego if something happens. Let things progress naturally and do not try to force anything.

So, when in the process of figuring out how to get girls to like you, this attraction phase is vital. This is when the woman is still trying to figure out if she desires you, if she desires you sexually, and if she desires to be with you long term. And many men mess up in this sensitive area.

Keep in mind that a girl does not know you when you are in the beginning stages and they find this mysterious and attractive.

A surefire way to spark her interest is to pace yourself and get to know her. You’ll have her attention when she sees that you are holding yourself of value.

Men are visual creatures and when you see a perfect girl, you tend to go all in too soon because you’ve already decided this is what you wanted. But she hasn’t decided this yet.

So, in turn, you start to get too intense, too early on. You may start assuming the worst of things if things do not go exactly how you want. Then, you jump to conclusions and she could end up seeing you as someone who might not be secure with themselves or who might be too clingy in the future.

This is what kills attraction and it happens often.

So, in order to get a girl to like you and always think about you, here are 4 ways to get her attention.

1. Do not be predictable

This is the most important thing of all. You want to show balance so she knows that she has to still attract you and that she still has to do some work to get you.

For example, if you text her “Good morning” or “Good night” all the time, let her do it instead. Do not be the only one doing this as she has to show up in her ways too. Also, do not respond to her text too early on so she can get excited to see you on her phone. Let the anticipation build up before she sees you again.

2. Be mysterious

Let her wonder what you are doing. Do not post every single second on social media about what you’re doing, what you’re eating, or what you’re thinking. Post less if you are active on social media.

Also, mysterious means disappearing. You don’t want to disappear for too long but you want to disappear just enough so she wonders what you are up to.

If she texts you in the morning, say something like this later on that night: “I’ve had such a busy day! I hope your day was great as well. I’m going to head to bed as I have a long day tomorrow. I’ll talk to you soon and goodnight.”

Then text her again in the morning so she sees you are present but still have a life of your own. This shows her that she is not yet your priority and ultimately women love this. It shows her that you have a sense of stability in your life and that you are fulfilled with the way you live it.

3. Pop in and out

There are some coaches that will tell you to go off the radar for days but let’s be honest, she is not going to be turned on by this because she could think it’s shady. Instead, pop in and out on your terms. You are the busy one!

Keep this up for about three days. When you start to engage in normal conversation again she is going to be thinking, “What is he up to?” or “What is he doing that he is so invested in that he is not giving me all the time in his day?”

This stands out from a lot of other men and what they are doing right now. Remember you want to be less predictable which enhances the attraction phase. Most of the time, this girl might even say, “When am I going to see you again?”

This is what you want!

4. Don’t be too available

You want to pop in here and there, but be less attentive during the next 3 or 4 days. Do not reply to her texts all the time and don’t be too available. When you start chatting with her again, focus the conversations back on her and what she has been up to.

Tell her you’ve been busy and that work has been crazy. You don’t want to fully answer exactly what you have been doing so you can spark the mystery.

Once you do this, schedule something with her, eventually. Why? The time that passes will get her excited to see you again. That time that passes will get her looking forward to a date with you.

Say something like this when planning a date: “Hey, I’m busy the next two days but have some time Friday night. Would you like a grab a drink around 7 pm?”

Make sure your texts are simple and to the point. You never want to become her text buddy.

The ultimate way to get a girl to want you or to think about you more is by living a life that you truly love.

Never forget about your goals and aspirations, and do something daily that gets you closer to them. This is the ultimate source of attraction. Women love this!

A man who is comfortable in his own skin and that has taken the time to work on himself and his own insecurities really play a part in a woman’s life. Not only because he is putting himself first, but because he sees himself as a desirable man. At the end of the day, if you see it, then the chances of her seeing it will increase.

The man who always holds himself with pride and dignity is the man who will win. If a woman is not reciprocating, then you walk away with your head up because you continue to put yourself first, just like you would want your woman to do the same.

Apollonia Ponti is an internationally certified relationship coach who works with men to attract the woman they desire, build confidence, master their attraction skills and rebuild relationships. Find more of her expert advice by visiting her YouTube Channel, reading her Attract a Woman e-book, or booking a coaching session.

 

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How to Make a Guy Feel Good

Make him feel wanted. Humans are social animals. No matter how much satisfaction we can gain from our own solitary pursuits, we need to interact with other people to feel truly “whole.” People want to be wanted. They need to be needed. If you want to make your guy feel good, start here. Depend on him. Let him help you through difficult times. When he does, let him know how much you value him. Your relationship should be a balanced one – just as you rely on him, so should he rely on you.[1]
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    Strive for openness, honesty, and equality. Because they’re so used to being guarded, most guys will really appreciate a relationship that allows them to express themselves with complete sincerity. It can take time for a guy to “open up”, so, if yours hasn’t yet, be sure to let him know that, should he want to, he can talk to you about anything that’s troubling him. He might not immediately take you up on your offer, but when he does, he’ll really appreciate that he can come straight to you to pour his heart out.[2]
    • It’s easiest to be open and honest with someone we consider to be our equal. Try to share experiences, responsibilities, and conversations with your partner – as you come to trust each other, your communication will naturally deepen.
    • Even in the closest, most intimate relationships, guys and girls don’t constantly talk about their inner demons and emotional issues – can you imagine how awful relationships would be if we did? One common mistake is to “press” your S.O. for details about what’s troubling him – though any couple should try to have open communication, this doesn’t necessarily mean both partners will always want to talk about serious things.
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    Listen. Guys want to know that they’re taken seriously. Because many guys have a hard time talking about their emotions with their friends and even their family, they want to feel that, when they open up to you, you notice. During normal conversations, you obviously don’t need to hang on your guy’s every word, but when your guy is talking to you about something serious, give him your full attention. Stay near to him and look him in the eye as you talk – he will undoubtedly appreciate the respect you give him and will do the same for you when you need someone to open up to.
    • Listening isn’t just a matter of just sitting there quietly – give your guy time to get his thoughts out, but when there’s a lull in the conversation, add your own thoughts, questions, and suggestions. This will show that you’ve really been listening, making your guy feel valued.
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    Be positive. Inner happiness shows externally. While you and your guy should be more than comfortable talking about the things that trouble you, most of the time, you’ll simply want to be as happy as you can around each other. Try to have a full and fulfilling life – indulge your hobbies, get plenty of sleep and exercise, and keep an optimistic attitude. When you do hang out with your guy, you’ll probably find that both of you have more fun if you’re free of stress and in good moods.
    • There is a sexist stereotype that women should act pleasant and smile around men as a matter of course. Don’t do this – living with a positive outlook will make you and the people around you happier, but pretending to be happy when you’re not is not only disrespectful to yourself, but also not at all what good boyfriends want from their girlfriends.
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    Be affectionate. One sure-fire way to have your guy feeling great about himself (and you) is to give him affection (within reason). Think of affection as a way of showing how much you care for someone – a healthy amount of affection makes you seem appreciative, while a ton of affection can make you seem a little obsessive, so be reasonable. Your affection doesn’t have to be grandiose or attention-seeking – you might, for instance, just touch him delicately by ‘mistake’ while you walk by him.
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    Flirt! Most guys love affection, but giving affection is twice as fun (for both parties) if accompanied with some light teasing. Try one of the oldest tricks in the book – playing hard to get. Keep your guy on his toes when it comes to your affections. This will drive him wild and have him completely into you.
    • Be cagey with your intentions, but, if you’re playing hard to get, make sure you’re not too cagey, or you’ll never be “gotten.” You don’t always have to hide your true intentions – sometimes, it’s OK to be openly affectionate.
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    Be romantic. We all know the stereotype – guys are gruff, no-nonsense, unsentimental lovers, while girls are emotional, capricious, and romantic. Real life isn’t nearly so simple. Plenty of guys are openly romantic, while still more are romantics at heart but are embarrassed to be open about their sentimentality. Guys are usually encouraged to engage in romantic gestures – buying chocolates, flowers, etc. Flip this tired old trope on its head with a romantic gesture of your own – you might be surprised how touched your guy is.
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    8Know him well. This key. Ultimately, to make your guy feel good, you need to know what makes him truly happy and satisfied, which is impossible if you don’t both open up to each other. Know your guy’s quirks – the weird things that make him laugh, his pet peeves, his crazy fears. Have inside jokes that no one else will understand. Know, at a glance, how he’s feeling. You’ll naturally learn these things as you spend more and more time with each other, and, best of all, your guy will learn them about you.
    • Remember, the more you know about someone, the easier it is to hurt him or her. As you learn more and more about your guy, be sure to use your knowledge for good, not for evil. It’s all-too-easy in a moment of anger to bring up something deeply personal in a short-sighted attempt to hurt him.

     

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I Apologize for the Infraction… But I’m Not Sorry

I’ve been looking after a lot of people lately.

Life is good for me as always. I’ve cut all of the crazy fleas and ticks out of my life.  That’s a relief. Please try it. You may be carrying some people who you no longer need in your life. Think it through. I’ve been writing this blog for a while now. I’ve covered a lot of territory. Many people. Many dates and friends.

I think about my life now. I have my health for now. You never know when that could go. That’s your most precious resource. I have stuff to do. Work at the salon, and the other place. (I don’t want to name them because it’s private for now. Not relevant to this story.) I have much love in my life. Cherie, my daughter, my family and other interests. I’ve learned to compartmentalized my life as I’ve gotten older. I’m not keeping secrets, just protecting people’s hearts. I have good people surrounding me now. That’s always a positive force. No more crazies. That’s too draining and a waste of time. Learn the difference as quick as you can. I have things to look forward to. That’s important too. That carries you forth into tomorrow.

I love my girlfriend Cherie. She’s marriage material. I can’t believe I’m actually saying that but when I’m with her I feel that way. I could grow old with that perfect girl. She’s wonderful. Best woman I’ve ever met. I’ve always been loyal to the women in my life, but I’ve been unfaithful to Cherie several times. It’s not because we’re having problems, it’s because I don’t see her enough.

But I like that. I like having a girl who loves me passionately that I rarely see. That’s just me. I know it sounds awful, but she’s my one and only and I think of her in terms I’ve never felt for any one else.

But I continue to offend.

Maybe if she were around more I’d be more virtuous but I don’t know. I don’t want her around much. I like her once a month delivering the drug I love. Dopamine and endorphins. It’s glorious. I know she’s going to someday be a successful doctor. You may think I’m a piece of shit for having a beautiful girlfriend half my age and cheating on her all of the time.

I’m not getting any younger. I have her right where I want her. The perfect arrangement for me. Finally. Someone that loves me and fucks me back to the stone age every time I see her and is the sweetest, most loyal baby ever.

But I do what I want.

I’m a loyal partner and have always been, but I am not getting any younger. ‘If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with’, the song says.

I should be on my knees thanking God for sending me such a wonderful woman who has gone through so much with life, her ex, her son, school and her family. She never drags me into any of it because she says she doesn’t want to decrease her value to me.

Yea. That’s a real thing in our relationship. The sweet, bright young black girl doesn’t want to look bad in front of her old white boyfriend.

She’s 28 and I’m 55! I’m stunned that she even wants to talk to me let alone let me fuck her. But to be fair because she’s a nymphomaniac and I am a reformed hypersexual, our sex is absolute fire. Cherie is the singular greatest lover I have ever had in my life.

But I’ve offended with Ambria. That was an indiscretion. There were a couple of near misses after her but now there’s Kita, and I absolutely adore her. This has been my track record and I suppose that’s who I am. Nobody’s getting hurt and I’m just sliding down destiny’s rainbow.

At my age that’s a miracle. Most men my age would kill to have what I have. Fuck them. Let them blow their money on cars and stuff. I have a gift that none of those losers have, so they can kiss my ass.

I’ve earned my right to be here and be surrounded by all of the lovely moist women in my life. I love them all equally and differently and I’m honored they want to still meet and old lion like me for a drink occasionally.

I truly love all of the women in my life. I am phicklephilly. The fickle lover that’s fiercely loyal but still a philanderer. But a man who truly loves and respects the women in his life and can retain them as friends without trying to get into their pants like every other loser in this city.

Men miss the point. There’s an ocean of women out there for you. Go ahead and pursue that. I don’t give a shit. That’s your scene. But you’re missing the point. Women are amazing, lovely, fascinating creatures that you should get to know. Try to be a better man and get to know some of them.

Stop trying to stick your dick into every moist hole you encounter. Get to know them. They’re really interesting and fun. Help them with their challenges in life. Reveal the stupid loser mistakes to help them get through their challenges with our species.

Because they don’t understand us either. You’d think they would because we’re such simple assholes but they don’t. You guys are equally mystified by them as well.

Make some friends with women and make them feel safe. I have dozens of women in my life that love and trust me because I am that man they trust and I deliver on that shit every day.

“Oh Charles hooked me up with that job because he knows the general manager and now my life is better and he didn’t try to awkwardly fuck me after that.”

Be that guy.

No fuck that. Never be a guy. Be a MAN.

Mix your life with men and women. You’ll feel more balances with both in your life. Your dudes are easy, but bring some girls in. Ladies are fun, beautiful and cool. Get it straight in your mind that you want to have female friends in you life that you don’t want to stick you dick into.

I know we all want to fuck all of the women we know. I would gladly sleep with pretty much all of the women I know in my life. They’re all young and attractive! But you have to take that moment in your mind and say to yourself, I need to have a pool of dating girls and a different pool of female friends.

Your life will be so much more rich.

I know you struggle with hearing all of their chatter. I get that. Turn your mind. It’s not chatter. It’s her song. She’s beautiful. Let her sing it and be there for her. Your friends could turn into lovers.

But just know in your mind that you have a plan.

You’re going to have a pool of women you’re going to pursue for romance and sex, but hold your crew of friendly ladies close for support.

Because you may need them for support when you lose your love.

Chicks Rule!

(When Alessandra appeared and did the heart thing my brain exploded)

 

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This Is How Long It Takes to Get Over a Broken Heart, Says Study

You will recover and get your self-esteem back.

It happens to all of us. A relationship ends in heartbreak and the world stops and kicks us off. Or so it feels. And the low self-esteem after a breakup only serves to prolong the agony.

How long does the bottom-dwelling last? Can you still figure out how to survive a breakup when you’re feeling this lousy about yourself? Isn’t it bad enough that the one you loved doesn’t love you anymore — do you have to not love you, too?

Certain feelings go with the territory of a broken heart — confusion, anger, and sadness. But, if your low self-confidence is causing you to constantly blame and disparage yourself, getting over a breakup gets even more difficult and your healing will be slow.

If your self-worth perked up when you started dating your ex but plummeted after your split, it’s probably dependent on being in a relationship. When you’re heartbroken, you feel worthless, which leads you to hang onto what is no longer available and/or no longer healthy.

Ironically, gauging how long your low self-esteem after a break-up will last depends, to a certain degree, on your self-esteem.

If all you do is self-criticize, you won’t be able to process what happened in the relationship. And if you can’t process this one, you can’t prepare for the next one. That’s the vicious cycle of low self-esteem that keeps you stuck.

The loss of self-esteem is the most disruptive aspect of a breakup because it prevents you from moving forward. You need an inherent sense of worth to invest the energy in your healing and future.

If you had healthy self-esteem at the beginning of your relationship, wouldn’t it stand to reason that it should still be there after a breakup?

A ding to your self-esteem is understandable. But if your low self-esteem after a breakup leads you to stalk your ex or pray for a reconciliation, that ding is a big dent.

There are a lot of theories about how long it should take to heal from a breakup. Some say half the length of the relationship (woe to those together for decades!). Some say as little as a month.

The truth is, the uniqueness of the individuals and their relationship can’t be overlooked or generalized.

However, a study in the Journal of Positive Psychology found that 71 percent of 155 young adults took around 11 weeks to see positive change. By the end of those three months, the subjects could see positive aspects from their breakups.

They also felt they had grown and become goal-oriented — all positive changes to their low self-esteem after a breakup.

Other influences on the healing of your low self-esteem after a breakup include factors like race, gender, and sexual preference. According to another study, women, African Americans, and heterosexuals have more positive outcomes.

But the biggest predictor of positive outcomes was the person who initiated the breakup.

Finally, when it comes to giving the best advantage to your low self-esteem after a breakup, social media plays a role. Those with a higher frequency of internet surveillance also have a higher level of post-breakup distress.

Accidentally “bumping into” your ex on Facebook will only serve to set back the clock on your healing time.

It’s reasonable to expect that the recovery of your low self-esteem after a breakup can take at least a few weeks. But the factors affecting that timeline depend on you and the relationship that just ended.

And, once you figure it out, building confidence is not as impossible anymore.

 

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Kita – Chapter 34 – Thoughts While She’s Away

“I stand outside my pain and frustration now.”

I love Kita. Kita has no idea how I feel about her. It’s okay. She’s so young and inexperienced, she can’t see it.

I met her and in classic phicklephilly fashion and fell in love with her. I love my real girlfriend Cherie with all my heart, but this is just a symptom of the universe. That’s why this blog exists.

I’m fickle as hell and fall in love everyday. That sucks for Cherie, but I’m not directly hurting her. I just don’t see her much and don’t know how much longer I’ll be around.

I met Kita. I had a thing for her immediately. I wrote about her without even knowing her because the iron was hot. Then by some miracle I got to know her. I’ve loved that. Because that’s the way my brain operates. But I have control over that now. But I still want what I want. It makes me feel alive.

I think about this silly confused little girl. Beautiful. Doesn’t realize it. Obsessed with tanning and diet and exercise. Little connection with dad. Little connection with men and relationships.

My daughter is her same age and totally has it together.

Kita was with some loser guy that dumped her after 6 months at 16. She lost her shit and her mother put her on medicine. Not good, but here we go. Then she met JR and that was a 3 year odyssey of childish nonsense and discovery. They had sex, and were a couple. He got tired of her nonsense and cut her loose.

She suffered and rebounded into Steve. Another loser. If you’ve been reading the series you’ll see that he’s an absolute fail. I don’t even know him and I feel bad that he’s so confused with who he is.

Then there’s me.

The washed up banker, ad man that now works at a fucking tanning salon. A man that has decided to leave corporate life. A man that is a good dad to his daughter and a decent brother to his sisters.

This lovely bird has no clue how to navigate the perils of dating life. Rich family and boarding school for girls doesn’t groom girls for life.

Kita has come to me. She loves to tan and I’m kind and sweet. I have experience and I can help her. But I’m torn.

I’m not losing my shit over it. I’ve been at this a long time. I’m in a relationship with Cherie and I love her very much, but in classic phicklephilly fashion, I’m helpless to play this out.

I buy an extra banana when I go to Wawa knowing Kita’s coming in the salon. I do this all the time.

I know Kita loves snacks so I have a friend that sells trail mix products and I have secured a six pack of snacks I can give to her. (She goes crazy for them and hits the bag like a starving pup.)

I bought her pepper spray and showed her how to use it to protect my herself. (I haven’t done this for my girlfriend of a year)

I had dinner with her at one of the finest Italian restaurants in the city. We had the best table in the house. )Haven’t done that with Cherie either.)

I tell this story and they can’t believe it. But I have that power.

There’s something about Kita that just drops my dopamine.

And That’s all I need apparently. Kita is a sober, boring, confused 21 year old cute Asian girl. I don’t even know why I like her. She brings absolutely nothing to the table other than beauty and a slamming fit body.

But I’m not that guy.

Maybe I want to rescue her, and spend time with her because I’m obviously attracted to her but…. maybe I want to spend time with her because she doesn’t really fit in with her peers.

I’m happy just to hang with her.

I like that.

As sharp as I am in this world, sometimes my mind is dull when it comes to obvious cues.

All the kissing.

It’s always at the salon and I have to protect the business, but I may be missing the point. As confused as Kita is she seems to slip me in during her weakness. I love it, and I want more but I want to be careful with this one.

I bought her a little treat for Christmas. It’s chocolate pretzels with candy cane sprinkles upon them. She saw them on a snack site the other day and loved them so I knew it would be a small safe gift I could give my love.

Torture.

But not really.

I stand outside my pain and frustration now. It feels good.

I have a solid relationship with Cherie and that’s rock n roll.

But I get to play with young girls like Kita and enjoy the rush of courtship and confusion, but I never lose. I get to get off on the game and then go back to Cherie. I know some of you may have a problem with this but it’s my journey.

I’m going to ask her out to lunch when she gets back to Philly.

 

I’ve been thinking about this for the last two days. I just have to ask my love. She can’t see the lion. She’ll do it. For all of the wrong reasons. She really likes me. She loves that I’m always there for her. Mentor. Dad. her response will always be yes. She has little experience with men.

My inner voice scolds me: “Charles… You love her in a phicklephilly way. You have Cherie. Hold it together. Don’t do anything stupid at lunch.”

I think the most obvious and sad part of this tale is this. Here we have phicklephilly guy completely smitten by a young girl. She is absolutely clueless in the ways of love. The thing she needs is a good boy to step up and take her out on dates. Buy her a romantic dinner, give her bananas when she stops in, give her breakfast bars and snack mix as gifts, (she loves that) give her romantic advice and take her to lunch.

That’s what I’ve been doing.

Kita is completely blind to my love for her.

She’s a self absorbed, selfish girl, that doesn’t understand what is being provided to her. But I’m foolish to ever think I would ever get to savor the fruit of this elegant flower.

Why have I wasted my time on this sweet little project?

 

Maybe not. You never know what could happen.

 

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Don’t Get Married Until You Know These 5 Things About Your Partner

“Don’t tie the knot until you know these important things.”

Maybe you’re months into a new relationship or have been together for years.

Whatever the case, and wherever you are in your journey, there are some important questions to ask yourself and your partner if you see yourselves being together long-term.

Are you planning to get married? If so, what are your reasons for getting married? What are your partner’s reasons?

Are you ready for a life of unwavering commitment? And do you have the skills and desire to push through the inevitably tough moments alongside all the joyous ones?

To answer those questions, you really need to know yourself and your partner inside and out.

Phicklephilly spoke with several relationship experts — including matchmaker Patti Stanger, clinical psychologist Dr. Dara Bushman, and psychotherapist Jason Eric Ross — and put together a list of crucial things to know about your partner before getting engaged and married.

It isn’t an exhaustive list, but consider it a guidebook as you enter a new chapter in your lives (or at least think about entering it in the future).

1. Whether they want children or not — and how many

“If you aren’t on the same page [about kids], you will likely break up due to this as this is a definite deal-breaker,” Millionaire Matchmaker’s Stanger said.

“This sometimes gets shoved under the rug as people don’t ask the right questions, then are shocked to find out their partners don’t have the same position as them.”

“If you’ve already had this discussion, make sure you also know how many children your partner wants and what their ideal timeline looks like,” she added.

“Sometimes you figure these things out along the way, but having consistent and open conversations is key.”

2. Their full financial situation — and how they approach money

“The number one cause of divorce is financially not agreeing on how money is handled,” Stanger noted.

“Whether they have good credit or not could block any home purchase. [Also], who pays for what? Don’t assume if you’re marrying a wealthy person [that] they will pay for it all.”

Ross, a psychotherapist based in NYC and Florida, agreed with this one: “You want to know if your potential partner uses reasonable judgment, and you definitely want to know if they have any debt you may take on. Someone who is fiscally responsible will bring less baggage to the relationship, and thus there will be less arguing.”

3. How they get along with others — including loved ones, exes, and strangers

The way someone treats other people speaks volumes.

Whether it’s being kind (or rude) to waitstaff or speaking positively/negatively about close friends or family members, pay attention.

“Family of origin may be the most important factor to consider,” Ross said.

“How someone interacts with family is something you will likely have play out in your relationship unless they’re really mindful/have had counseling to keep this from being an issue. Understanding the family dynamics will give you a sense of how much, if any, drama you should expect.”

Even the way your partner interacts with or speaks about an ex can be very telling.

“Are they compassionate? Hateful? This is often overlooked, but truly important,” Ross added. “If someone speaks well of an ex, there are better odds they will treat you with compassion. It’s one way to gauge emotional well-being and emotional intelligence.”

4. How your partner likes to be touched

This may sound silly, but intimacy is the primary difference between a romantic relationship and a platonic one.

Sex, snuggling, kissing, and general “touching” really matters.

“You can’t fully bond if you’re not in physical contact,” psychologist Bushman said. “Before marriage, implement . . . holding hands for 20 seconds. Go to bed touching feet. Kiss for four seconds a day. Spell out ‘kiss’ with your lips touching. Hug your partner. Make a commitment to touch in some capacity every day.”

Relationships go through Winters and Summers with all things, including physical intimacy.

It’s ok if libido ebbs and flows over the years, but being highly comfortable with each other physically is very important to lifelong bonding and happiness.

5. What they’re like in crisis-mode

Everyone deals with tough spots, whether it’s a major family issue, career-related upset, or health scare. What you need to know is how they work through a crisis.

Stanger says it’s not ideal if they avoid the problem, throw their hands up, or run in the other direction.

This demonstrates an inability — or an unwillingness — to deal with their own emotions and to problem-solve.

Perfection isn’t necessary here. Nobody is perfect. It’s that drive to remain positive and find resolve that matters most.

One sign that your partner can work through a crisis is if they’re open to therapy.

“Being willing to undergo counseling, to me, is a sign of maturity and willingness,” Ross said. “I do believe people who seek therapy end up having better insight, which tends to lead to healthier relationships.”

Another good barometer is to see what they’re like during the holidays or while traveling, which can both be pretty stressful events.

Again, nobody is perfect — and you shouldn’t expect flawless superhero problem-solving — but how your partner handles difficult situations before marriage is how they’ll likely handle them after.

Make sure you’re ok with their approach.

 

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