Sun Stories: Jazmin – Guess Girl – Chapter 1

I’m working at the salon as usual. Just another night. It’s 7:45 and we’re 15 minutes away from closing.

Jazmin enters the salon. She’s smoking hot and Middle Eastern gorgeous. Raven hair, caramel skin, green eyes, (Wow) and petite. She is absolutely breathtaking.

She’s wearing a white blouse and a black skirt. The hem is mid-thigh. Her caramel legs are exquisite. She’s wearing a pair of strappy pumps. (How can I turn away such a beautiful girl?)

“Hi. I work across the street at Guess and I thought I’d try tanning.”

“Oh cool. How did you hear about us?”

“I literally looked across the street and saw you.

“Oh awesome. We’re neighbors!”

“Yea, I work at Guess and I’m there doing client services on the 2nd floor a lot and I saw you.”

“Cool. We also have a gym here. Are you going on vacation, or just looking to get some color?

“Just want to even out my skin and get the good feeling of being tan in the winter.”

“Gotcha. Great idea. Thanks for coming in!”

“I’m across the street from you. We should be friends.”

 

She’s absolutely gorgeous.

 

“Yea… we should be!”

I take Jazmin through the different packages we offer and she settles on the 5 pack All Access.

I take her back to the room and show her all of the finer aspects of one of our elegant machines.

“Where are you from, Jazmin?”

“My parents are from Iran. They left when the Shah was overthrown in 1979 and came to America. They had me and my sister much later when they got established here.”

“Oh, I’ve heard of that. I knew a dude that went through the same thing many years ago.”

“Yes. It was a difficult time from what I hear from my family, but we are so much better off now.”

“Like the Kardashians?”

“No. They are Armenian. Totally different. But I find your American ignorance endearing.” She giggles.

I feel like an ass. “Okay. I put five minutes on the room for you to get ready and then if you’re ready sooner just hop in and hit the start button.”

“Okay! Thank you, Charles!”

“Off you go! Thank you for choosing Sun City!”

I go back to cleaning the toilets, taking out the trash, and mopping the salon.

The salon is closed and at least I got to munch my chicken stromboli. Just another day in paradise.

Jazmin is a new client and even though she came in late, she’s money for the salon.

 

But the night was about to take a dark turn when she came out of her tanning session. A turn I would have never suspected in a million years. 

 

…To be continued next Tuesday!

 

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Humans are biased when it comes to beauty, study says

They may try to downplay it, but the beautiful people have it pretty good: They snag hotter dates, score free food and land higher-paid jobs. Now, behavioral neurologists are revealing the primal instinct driving our bias for beauty.

A new study, led by scientists at Penn Medicine, seeks to understand our brain’s response to people with facial abnormalities, such as scars, birthmarks, dysplasia and other “deformities.” Their findings, published in Scientific Reports, show an inherent bias against the “disfigured” and innate preference for the conventionally attractive.

“Judgements on attractiveness and trustworthiness are consistent across cultures, and these assumptions based on facial beauty are made extremely quickly,” says lead study author Dr. Anjan Chatterjee, professor of neurology and director at Penn Center for Neuroaesthetics. “On the other hand, people with facial disfigurement are often targets of discrimination, which seems to extend beyond the specific effects of lower overall attractiveness and may tie in more with the pattern of results with stigmatized groups.”

Previous neuroimaging studies have shown that attractive faces trigger more substantial responses in the reward, empathy, and social cognition sectors of the brain, compared to readings taken from more average faces. This study digs deeper by focusing on disfigured faces and analyzing whether surgical solutions mitigate the negative response.

“In order to right any discrimination, the first step is to understand how and why such biases exist, which is why we set out to uncover the neural responses to disfigured faces,” Chatterjee says.

The study involved two experiments, both using a set of pre- and post-op photographs from patients who underwent surgical treatment for their abnormalities. The first behavioral study enlisted 79 participants to find out whether or not they were aware of their beauty biases. An implicit association test (IAT) was used to determine where folks naturally fell when it came to judging disfigured faces. Then an explicit bias questionnaire (EBQ) assessed how conscious they were of their preference.

While the participants showed no explicit bias on the EBQ, researchers saw a clear implicit preference for the non-disfigured faces, especially among men.

The second experiment involved a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) test to observe the neural response to the photo sets. The authors found an increase in activity in the ventral occipito-temporal cortical areas, which deals with vision processing, and decreases in the regions associated with empathy, specifically the anterior cingulate and medio-prefrontal cortex.

All this tells researchers that, in spite of common courtesy, people are unconsciously harboring negative biases against less attractive and disfigured faces, resulting in an inherent lack of empathy. The diminished activity in the anterior cingulate cortex also indicates a neural flag for dehumanization, supported by previous studies which show a similar response to other stigmatized groups, such as drug addicts or homeless people.

“The emphasis of attractiveness and its association with positive attributes highlights the pervasive effect of appearance in social interaction,” says Chatterjee. “While we found that corrective surgery mitigates negative social and psychological responses to people with facial anomalies, we are also exploring alternative strategies to minimize bias towards people with facial conditions.

 

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Cherie – Chapter 56 – Can’t Get You Out Of My Head

“Don’t even think about it, because I’m not in the mood.”

WARNING: THIS POST IS A LITTLE NSFW!

So, Cherie was finally coming down to see me. It’s been a couple of months. I’m fine with it, but there’s a certain divide that occurs when people aren’t together for long periods of time.

Between raising her son, going to school full time, and working at Children’s Hospital there isn’t much time left over for me. That, and her Saab was in the shop for awhile.

But on the other hand, I’m only off two days a month! So at this point it’s nearly impossible. But I finally got a day off and she made arrangements to get down here. She can only be down here from 12:30 to 6pm. Which is fine with me. Anytime to just reconnect with my girlfriend is enough.

She texts me that she’s parking, so I head out of my apartment to meet her. It’s a mild day in Rittenhouse.

The original plan was to go to the movies, but because of her limited time and the length of time that we’ve been apart, We settled on late brunch. Besides, why would I want to sit in a movie theater for two hours next to the woman I should be looking at, listening to, and communicating in general with? It just didn’t make sense.

I’m walking south on 16th street when I see her across the street. I smile and she waves. She looks great. She’s wearing her hair in braids. It looks exotic and gorgeous. She’s got on a red jacket with some gold trim over a one piece black clingy dress. The hemline is mid thigh and she’s got on a pair of knee high boots. I love skirts and boots. Just a peek of knees and thighs.

We hug and start chatting. “Are you hungry?”

“Not really at the moment.”

“As you know, we’re near my house. You could rest for a bit after your long drive.”

“Okay, but don’t even think about it, because I’m not in the mood.”

I’m stunned. This is the hot nymphomaniac that I’ve been writing about for over two years! I didn’t even know she had that phrase in her vocabulary! It’s been over two months since I’ve seen her.

“That’s why you didn’t want to go to the movies. You just wanted to get at me.”

“I didn’t want to go to the movies because I wanted to spend time with you and see you because it’s been awhile.”

This sort of thing has happened once before. There was a period last June where we were apart for and extended amount of time. When we finally were together she was resistant to my affection. But I charmed my way back in.

It just feels like there’s a thicker coating of permafrost on her heart today.

We get to the house and she sits on the bed. We start talking and she’s telling me story. I get on the bed with her and start kissing her cheek and neck.

She pulls away.

I try to caress her soft thigh.

More resistance. Of course at this point I stop. Girlfriend or not...No means no.

So we chat for a bit more and I’m enjoying her story. But I haven’t seen her in a long time and I miss her. I know Cherie very well and I know she’ll yield to her own desires. I just need to move slowly and gently.

We start kissing. I’m holding my love in my arms. She’s warming up. I know what she wants me to do. I toss a thick folded blanket onto the floor beside the bed. (I have hardwood floors and my knees aren’t what they once were.

She slides toward me and as she does her skirt hikes up past her thighs.

“If you want me you’re going have to pull my panties off me. Show me how bad you want it.”

I’m kissing her thighs and knees as I curl my fingers into the waistband of her white lace panties.

“Can you please lift that delicious derriere my dear?”

Cherie raises her hips upward and I slide her underwear down her legs and off. I grab her thighs and pull her towards the edge of the bed. Spreading her thighs I reveal her small shaved vulva. I’m getting a bit aroused just writing about her. I love her so much, and God, I’ve missed her and this special time together.

I go to work on her and it’s difficult to tease her much, because I’m starving for her. Cherie responds accordingly to my deft tongue and lips. We’ve been together for over a year. I know exactly how to please her and get her going.

That escalates rather quickly as her nympho side kicks into high gear. She can take it no more and my pants and socks are off in a flash. I’ve had plenty of practice.

I climb up on top of her and slowly ease myself into her.

It is glorious. (And WAY overdue!)

The sex is thundering as it always is between us and within minutes she’s losing it.

“I’m coming….I’m coming… Ooohhhhhhhhh!!!!”

Cherie is the most orgasmic woman I have ever met. She really is in tune with her body. I’m whispering in her ear mocking her earlier words as I’m pounding her into the mattress.

“Don’t even think about it. Cause I’m not in the mood. Think about your words, Cherie. Think about them and think about where you are now.”

I know it sounds a little mean, but it’s not. Cherie is a strong woman, but in the bedroom, totally submissive. She likes me to be dominant with her, and I deliver.

I’m going to just keep going and let her get to at least three before I’ll climax. I always make sure that she gets all of hers before I get mine. At this point, mine won’t be long from now. We’re pounding each other like rutting dogs and the power is building up.

Cherie has now come, once, twice and now thrice!

I can’t hold back anymore. I quickly pull out and just put my left hand out like a shield in front of my turgid member. I come with such great force, I nearly blow my hand off.

Cherie literally backs away on the bed so she isn’t hit by any ‘friendly fire.’

We regain our composure and are both feeling happy and relieved.

“Ohhh…. That was awesome.”

We get cleaned up and I realize we’re both completely dressed from the waist up. Her dress is still on and even her jacket is still on. I removed only the necessary clothing to have sex with Cherie.

Efficient as well as utilitarian.

We get dressed and head out. She has to feed the meter so we take care of that before brunch.

“Hungry now?”

“I think I’ve worked up an appetite.”

The entire time we’re together we’re telling stories and catching up on lost time. We spend a substantial amount of time discussing our relationship. We need to figure out a way to spend more time with each other. I tell her that I’m going to take off every other Saturday. Cherie likes that idea and she’s going to see what she can do on her end. We’re  going to also try to arrange a few lunch dates during the week if possible.

We end up going to Marathon on 19th and Spruce. It’s close to the house. I love Marathon. Think of an upscale diner with delicious locally farmed comfort food.

It’s really been a great day with my girlfriend. I realize how sweet she is and how much I truly love her.

If you read this blog you’ll know that I get into all different situations, but no one gets hurt and I compartmentalize my life. The blog isn’t going to write itself and I need content and followers. I’m good at playing different roles in each sector of my life.

Many people worked on the Manhattan Project. They all did their different jobs creating the atomic bomb, but no one knew what the other one’s role was. That was created to keep it top secret. That’s how I roll. I have many characters in my life. Some don’t have to ever meet other ones and I never show all of my cards to anyone in this card game we call life.

We finish our meal and I walk her to her car. We’ve been together for six hours and she has to get back. I kiss her sweet lips goodbye and ask that she texts me so I know she got home safe.

Until next we meet.

Now back to my busy life.

 

 

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7 Habits That Guarantee a Happy Relationship

Looking for love? Or simply aiming to be happy with the partner you already have? While the media is awash with information on finding true love, once you’ve met your match you’re expected to simply live happily ever after.

But according to the Office for National Statistics (ONS), 42 per cent of marriages in England and Wales end in divorce and many of us could do with some guidance in the relationship department.

The secret to lasting love

To avoid being one of these disconcerting statistics, help is at hand. If you want to be part of a happy couple, Dr Robert Epstein is your guy. The renowned American psychologist, along with colleagues Regina Warfel and James Johnson, conducted in-depth relationship research at the University of California San Diego and found strong relationships boil down to seven key skills.

‘No matter what your personality, or the state of your relationship, improving these skills will help your relationship work better,’ he says.

According to Dr Robert Epstein, the seven key relationship skills you need to follow are as follows:

1. Communication

This means knowing how to listen, sharing your thoughts and feelings honestly, refraining from criticising and encouraging your partner to share his or her feelings.

It’s all about opening up, and letting your other half open up too, in a judgement-free space. Sounds simple enough!

2. Knowledge of your partner

What’s his shirt size? What’s her favorite food? After communication, simply knowing a lot about your partner is a powerful way to show them you care, and makes you better equipped to tend to each other’s ongoing needs.

When she gets home from a stressful day and you’ve run a bath with her favorite lavender oil and poured a cup of Pinot Grigio, she’ll know how much you really do care (and listen).

3. Being mature about conflict resolution

Conflict-resolution skills include techniques like staying focused on the topic, staying in the present, being ready to forgive or apologize, and knowing when to take a break. You’re going to disagree, so make sure you do it in the best way possible.

4. Brushing up your life skills

Do you plan for emergencies? Do you exercise and stay fit? Studies show people want their partners to take good care of themselves and also want them to contribute a degree of security to a long-term relationship.

We’re not saying you need the survival skills of Bear Grylls, but being calm in a crisis and having a plan B when things don’t work out makes you a far more appealing mate.

5. Being able to self-manage

This is not the same as life skills, Epstein insists. People who are skilled at self-management take inventories of their strengths and weaknesses and always strive for improvement. They know how to interpret disturbing events in positive ways and they work hard to reach their goals.

This skill is also great for life in general, and it can help boost everything from professional success to your relationships with your children.

6. Being romantic and intimate

What does having strong skills in sex and romance look like? Enquiring and caring about how to please your partner sexually, setting aside time for intimacy, refraining from blaming each other when sex doesn’t go smoothly, and trying to stay physically attractive for your partner. So lay off the donuts and make time for romance!

7. Stress management

Do you know how to use breathing, meditation, or imagery techniques to help you fight stress? If you know how to avoid or fight stress, you’ll be better able to love and support your partner.

 

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Tales of Rock – Ian “Lemmy” Kilmister Consumed Jack and Meat

Lemmy Kilmister was the frontman of Motorhead, an all around hard rock legend and a lifelong poster boy for friendly mutton chops. He was one of the very few true rock ‘n’ roll icons of the olden times who not only graced the land of the living for far longer than anyone expected, but did it actively doing his thing.

He was also, with the possible exception of Keith Richards, by far the most unlikely person to actually do so.

The Diet:

Jack Daniels, meat, cheese, drugs.

Lemmy drank at least one bottle of whiskey a day, and did it for over 35 years. The food he consumed was equally unhealthy: He loathed vegetables and ate mainly meats and cheese, with the occasional cake or biscuit thrown in, administered on a “however much he likes, whenever he likes it” basis. He’d been smoking since he was 11. He did copious amounts of drugs daily, and did so for decades.

If that sounds like the lifestyle of every rock star on earth, you’re partially right. But what set Lemmy apart was his apparent good health. His liver was completely fine. As were his kidneys. And lungs. In fact, the man was pretty much as healthy as he’d ever been — the few times he’d actually been ill were everyday performer stuff such as a lung infection and stage dehydration. Even then, he maintained a schedule that would have exhausted a person half his age.

There was evidence that he was only human, though: Sometimes, when the concert conditions got unbearably sweaty, he was known to hydrate by adding a couple of extra ice cubes to his onstage Jack and Coke.

I love you Lemmy! Rest in Peace!

 

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5 Types of Men Women Find Attractive

Pop culture and online forums have depicted this vision of idealized masculinity that we think we need to become in order to be lucky in love.

If you want the people you ask out to say yes, you need to strive to be the perfect man — handsome, muscular, rich. A real man’s man, essentially. And frankly, If you’re all of those things already, you probably don’t spend too much time reading posts about how to get more people to swipe right on you.

The real truth about dating success is that, because everyone wants something a little bit different, your best bet isn’t to transform yourself into a totally different person. Instead, you must find the best version of yourself and work on becoming that.

Yes, there’s more than one type of dream guy. You might know that already, but it’s genuinely something that lots of guys don’t seem to realize.

Meaning, in a room full of 30 guys all trying to be the same guy, the guy who goes in the opposite direction is going to have a whole lot more success on dating apps. Why, you ask? Well, because all the people who find that confident macho man thing a little over-the-top and are looking for something different will notice him immediately.

If you’ve been wasting time wondering how you’re going to be the type of suave, classically attractive guy who could become the spokesperson for a cool beer company, it’s time to switch up your thinking. Instead of that, you need to figure out what the most date-able version of you is, and work on becoming that guy.

To give you something to shoot for, here are five types of guys who don’t struggle to get dates. Sure, they might screw those dates up or leave a trail of burning wreckage behind them as they screw over one partner after another, but each one of these men possesses desirable traits that make people want to go out with him — and make people willing to overlook his other flaws.

1. Wise Guys

The phrase “wise guys” has a number of different meanings, so it’s important to clarify what’s meant here first. This isn’t mafia-style “wise guys” at all, it’s not the biblical three wise men and it’s not sarcastic guys, like, “Oh, you’re a wise guy, eh?”

What’s sexy are really, genuinely wise guys — guys who have wisdom. That means you understand the world, you’ve seen things and learned from them. It means you know that speaking is less important than listening, and you’re not one to make rash decisions.

Wisdom is often associated with age … and surprise! Lots of people find older guys sexy. Perhaps you’ve heard that the word “daddy” has sexual connotations these days?

But you don’t need to be greying at the temples, or bald and out-of-shape in order to be a wise guy. You just need to be someone who’s thoughtful, knowledgeable and willing to share what he’s learned.

Attempt to be a wise guy if: You’re experienced, knowledgeable, confident

Don’t attempt to be a wise guy if: You’re insecure, young, hot-headed

2. Fun Guys

Lots of dating advice advises guys that the best way to their crush’s heart is to make them laugh. And there’s some truth to that — if you can make someone laugh, there’s a good chance they think you don’t totally suck, which is a step towards attraction.

But the upshot of all that “funny is sexy” talk has been that some guys think flirting should be some kind of joke-based target practice … and that is not sexy. Nobody wants to feel like you’re funny-ing them to death.

What’s really sexy is fun guys. Guys who are fun to be around. And that can take many forms — the guy who’s always planning parties, down for anything, lives and breathes stupid puns, or the guy who’ll immediately befriend half the room at a party before the night’s barely begun.

Attempt to be a fun guy if: You’re friendly, funny, spontaneous

Don’t attempt to be a fun guy if: You’re self-serious, egotistical, stand-offish

3. Successful Guys

That’s not to say that serious can’t be sexy, either. You may have heard that celebrities are attractive, and a big part of that is that, well, success is sexy.

When you can do things that other people can’t do — when you can blow people’s minds, drop people’s jaws or make them stop and stare — you’re going to have a much easier time dating.

That doesn’t mean that being good at anything will do, of course; the world’s most talented male roller-blader isn’t necessarily swimming in first dates.

But a guy who’s good at something and who has translated that talent into tangible success? Who’s won awards, nailed down impressive jobs and made big money? That guy is sexy.

Attempt to be a successful guy if: You’re good at something, you’re driven, you’re ambitious

Don’t attempt to be a successful guy if: You’re easy-going, allergic to stress, unable to commit

4. Generous Guys

It’s clear that rich guys are sexy, right? Or are they? The idea that rich guys are some kind of dream catch comes from a mistaken idea about what, specifically, is desirable in a rich guy.

Money alone isn’t it. Rich guys are often sexy because they’re successful to begin with, and the possibility that they’ll spend those riches on you is tantalizing. But what that means is that it’s better to be a generous guy with not a ton of money than a selfish jerk with wads of cash.

That’s because generous guys are dream dates no matter how much money they have. They’re thoughtful, they’re kind and they care about other people’s experiences and feelings. This is the real dream — someone who’ll get you flowers, who’ll help you move and who’ll pay for dinner.

Attempt to be a generous guy if: You like making people happy, giving gifts, doing things for others

Don’t attempt to be a generous guy if: You’re selfish, ego-centric, hate splurging

5. Healthy Guys

There are lots of ways you can be healthy. Often, guys imagine this category filled with muscle-bound macho men, but the truth is that the oiled-up brolic bro is really only attractive to a very small number of people.

What’s really attractive? Guys who know how to take care of themselves. That could mean muscles, sure, but it could also mean great cardio, a healthy diet and no substance abuse.

It could also mean you know how to take care of yourself in the emotional sense. This is something a lot of guys struggle with. Talking about our emotions and processing our feelings is just not something most guys are taught growing up.

But if you’ve been able to overcome that hurdle — if you’ve been in therapy, if you’re comfortable crying here and there, if you’re not afraid of tough emotional conversations — you’re really quite the catch. It’s the 21st century; cavemen are very passé.

Attempt to be a healthy guy if: You’re well-adjusted, in good shape, love the outdoors

Don’t attempt to be a healthy guy if: You’re dishonest, always angry, over-rely on drugs or alcohol

No matter who you are, there’s a version of you who’s capable of going on lots of dates. You could worry that you’re undesirable in any number of different ways, but there’s more than one way to be sexy — and once you figure out which way works for you, you’ll be well on your way there.

 

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The 6 Real Reasons Men Usually Leave Women

It’s not what you think.

When partners are in agreement that they both want to move on, those endings are just part of life, and both people are willing to try again with someone else. It’s different when the decision is one-sided. If only one partner wants the relationship to continue, while the other is ready to end it, the person left behind is often left struggling to learn how to deal with a breakup and get over their heartbreak, while the other must bear the guilt of leaving.

Most people who leave a relationship are ready to move on. But some, after time passes, begin to regret their decision.

Once they have put the negative aspects of that past relationship behind, they begin to miss the good times. Haunted by having left someone they perhaps truly loved, they wonder if they should have tried harder to make the relationship work, and begin to search for that lost love.

They may find that their past partners are no longer available, and so they’ve missed their chance. But sometimes they find out that a past love is unattached, and the possibility that they might have another chance awakens a compelling desire to try again. Even if their feelings may no longer be reciprocated, they cannot walk away without finding out.

Partners who want to reconnect with an old love they’ve once left must make certain they understand what went wrong between them. Knowing whether their own characteristic behaviors were the problem can make the difference between succeeding or failing the second time around.

Over the years, I have made note of the most common reasons why he left you and abandoned your relationship prematurely.

1. He has a fear of commitment.

The fear of commitment is one of the most common reasons people cite for leaving relationships. Those partners have difficulty understanding the difference between commitment and entrapment. They often feel pressure to make promises they may not be able to keep, especially on the other end of someone who is ready for a long-term relationship.

If one partner feels that the other wants a commitment and isn’t ready, he or she will sense that desire as a potential trap. Feeling locked into a relationship that might lose its allure feels too scary.

When a relationship no longer has new discoveries to experience, has continual conflict, or loses its attraction, most people pull back their energy and resources. The fear of commitment will logically become a fear of entrapment when relationships stop evolving and regenerating.

People who see commitment as entrapment may not be able to imagine a long-term relationship that doesn’t feel potentially confining or obligated. If they go back to a relationship they once left behind, they must redefine and resolve that fear, or the same behavior will likely recur.

2. He lacks the readiness for a long-term relationship.

Many people feel unable to stay in a permanent relationship because they don’t feel wise or experienced enough to promise a future they cannot foresee. They don’t know themselves deeply enough to predict what they might want someday and are not ready to stop exploring other alternatives that might be better.

This inability and unwillingness to foresee what might happen is natural in young adults, but older people can also feel unable to predict who they might yet become. It is not wrong or necessarily immature to opt for pleasure, to choose a life of continuing adventure, to embrace constant new discoveries, or to enjoy novel situations.

There are quality people who should never be in a long-term relationship. Though those intertwinements offer security, shared memories, and mutual dreams for the future, they require that both partners maintain their devotion and continue to regenerate their love.

When people want that security but cannot give up their freedom, they must ultimately make a choice. They may leave relationships that feel wonderfully satisfying but anticipate they will need to move on someday.

3. He wishes to go back to an unfinished relationship.

It is totally possible to love more than one person at a time. Many people leave relationships, even though they still have strong feelings for the other person, to recommit to a new partner. They rationalize leaving because there were just too many problems, or they felt unfulfilled.

After time elapses, the partner in a new relationship begins to face a new set of problems. He or she begins to remember the magical moments of their past love.

Negatively comparing the present relationship to the one that’s gone, memories pervade consciousness, and the present relationship dims in importance. The desire to go back to the old love intensifies, and the present relationship becomes a casualty.

4. He doesn’t have faith in successful long-term relationships.

Childhood experiences compounded with sequential adult interactions heavily impact the trust anyone has in whether a long-term, quality relationship is even possible. Many people, for example, have parents who failed to stay together, often through disastrous interactions and painful outcomes.

When people allow their past experiences to determine their future options, they will love the romantic phases of new relationships but become easily discouraged when the lust/discovery/honeymoon period wears off. Instead of energetically embracing that next emerging state of deeper friendship and commitment, they begin to focus on what isn’t going right.

People become what they anticipate and get better at those choices as they practice. If they are looking for problems, they will find them and assume they are unfixable. Their basic, underlying unconscious mind tells them continuously that all relationships are eventually doomed, and they begin to make that a self-fulfilling prophecy.

To make an old relationship work, those naysayers must change their ways of thinking by understanding where their attitudes came from and how those limitations have affected the outcomes of their relationships. Otherwise, going back to lost loves after breakups will not work any better than it did the first time.

5. He prefers to choose easy over challenging.

Long-lasting, successful relationships take work, and the partners within them don’t shirk that commitment. They know that their continuing regeneration is absolutely dependent on continuing to care deeply about each other and the relationship.

When relationship seekers don’t understand that basic principle or aren’t willing to put in the effort, they often pick partners who don’t ask much of them. The relationship doesn’t need much but also doesn’t offer much in the long run.

Boredom is often the result of a too easy, too predictable relationship, which may be why he left you. All human beings seek security, but also need novelty and challenge to be at their best. When relationship seekers opt for easy, they risk becoming involved in a relationship that will cease to hold their attention.

As boredom increases, many partners will seek novelty and excitement outside the relationship. The couple begins to spend less time and energy on the relationship, and the distance between them increases.

6. He lacks the skills to transform romantic feelings to deeper love.

When love is new, it is often spectacularly intense and magically seductive. New lovers are spellbound — enraptured and captured by the experience of each other. Both put their best feet forward, keep their liabilities hidden, and devote themselves selflessly to the needs and desires of their new partners. They willingly put all other involvements on the back burner, offering all of their resources first to each other.

People who have not learned the skills to transform their romantic feelings into deep love and conviction come to a halt when the love/lust part of the relationship naturally wanes. They have had either the unrealistic expectation that those feelings should always be there throughout the length of a relationship, or have never known the wonder of deeper love.

When they are no longer enamored and caught up in the seductive process of new connection, they fear that they will never experience those feelings again.

Before anyone tries to go back to a prior love, they must look deeply into their own reasons for why they chose to leave before.

Do they pick the same kind of partners that will never work, no matter how hard they try? Do they feel that any permanent decision in their lives is doomed to end in entrapment? Are they just not long-term relationship material? Do they always regret their past decisions? Do they have faith that any long-term relationship will work? Do they pick people who don’t challenge them, so they don’t have to think about long-term decisions? Have they never learned the skills to transform new love into mutually committed treasuring?

There are re-connections that do work, and beautifully, but those are the exceptions, not the rule. The chances of success are much greater if people know why they left, have changed their behaviors, have learned the skills to do it better the next time around, and have a willing partner at their side.

When a person is ready to do those things and has a welcoming, accepting partner, I have personally observed the heart-warming sweetness of these rekindled loves.

Randi Gunther is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor. Her free relationship advice e-newsletter, Heroic Love, shows you how to avoid the common pitfalls that cause marriage problems, breakups, and divorce.

 

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