Tales of Rock – Love Me Plenty, Presley Pleads

I love that photo of Elvis.

Jan. 8 will be the 85th anniversary of the birth of Elvis Presley. Don’t fear that this milestone will be celebrated too quietly. Elvis 75 (a shorthand moniker for the event itself, as well as the title of a new greatest-hits collection) will bring an onslaught of commemorative festivities and products, like parties at Graceland, concerts with Elvis impersonators and a movie suggesting that Presley, who died on Aug. 16, 1977, has spent the last three decades in outer space. It will bring everything except realistic thoughts of what the uncontrollably self-destructive Elvis might have been like as a 75-year-old man.

Naturally, there are books. Lots and lots of books. Among the standouts — beyond a tell-all by the doctor who knows a lot about Presley’s death and a hagiography from the lifelong buddy who is fond of saying that America has had many presidents but only one King — is Alanna Nash’s long look at Elvis’s bizarre history with women. She has cleverly borrowed one of his most seductive song titles, “Baby, Let’s Play House.”

Since Ms. Nash’s book is studiously annotated and longer than many biographies of American presidents, there is reason to think she may have done some serious work here. Also, she approaches this subject with a running start. As the author of “The Colonel,” about the carny tricks of Presley’s famously Machiavellian manager, Col. Tom Parker, as well as “Elvis and the Memphis Mafia,” she sounds like someone well connected in the Presley world. So it is only a little bit worrisome to see her identified in the jacket copy for her new book as “the first journalist to see Elvis Presley in his casket.”

Elvis Presley and his wife, Priscilla, at their 1967 Las Vegas wedding. He had unusually close ties to his mother, Gladys. Credit Doc Pele/Stills, Retna

That whiff of morbid curiosity turns out to be determinative. So does the genesis of “Baby, Let’s Play House”: Ms. Nash acknowledges that she initially wrote a women-oriented article for Ladies’ Home Journal and then decided to expand it. Thus armed with what she all too aptly calls “an oral history of some of the women in Elvis’s life,” Ms. Nash began padding her story with three kinds of material: her own legitimate interviews (some with women still pining for Elvis 50 years after their fateful encounters), secondhand gossip (from self-serving memoirs and fan publications) and psychobabble. Cobbled together, these elements led her along Presley’s long, winding trail from babes to baby sitters as his life spiraled into sad decline.

“Baby, Let’s Play House” is abundantly illustrated with pictures of Presley with his girlfriends. And the pictures tell a powerful story. He worked his way through a lifetime’s worth of women who looked like his brown-haired, soulful-eyed mother, Gladys. At first they were girls next door. Then, though still from the same cookie cutter, they became ever more beautiful as Elvis’s star rose, to the point where he paired up with women almost as good-looking as he was.

Ms. Nash tells a long, repetitive and dirt-digging version of that dramatic tale. Her central premise, supplied by Peter O. Whitmer (“The Inner Elvis”) in his capacity as this book’s resident psychologist and buttressed by terms like “individuate,” “stuck grief,” “sexual dimorphism” and “estrogen-androgen balance,” is that Presley’s loss of a twin brother at birth set him on a lifelong search for companionship he could never truly find and that his extreme closeness to his mother left no room for other adult women.

Using details too tawdry for even the most voyeuristic fans, the author offers evidence of her subject’s arrested sexual development, physical insecurities and general predilection for the 14-year-old girls who struck him as unthreatening. Sometimes he really did throw pajama parties and teach girls how to put on eye makeup and style their hair.

Some details in “Baby, Let’s Play House” invoke the bottom-feeding biographical style of Albert Goldman. And Ms. Nash, in playing to the rubbernecking crowd, is not shy about using Mr. Goldman as a source. She also replays the memories of each girlfriend who believed herself to be Elvis’s true love (“I was the one who got away”), the creative stylings of too many ghostwriters and the fairy-tale tone of Priscilla Presley, Elvis’s wife. (“I thought I was living inside a dream. Except the dream had come true. I had come home with Elvis.”) Although Ms. Nash usually plays fair with attributions, she sometimes creates the misimpression that material borrowed from fan Web sites is a) current and b) her own.

But she has done her own dogged research too. And some of it is memorably succinct and tough. Consider this near haiku from Patti Parry, the lone female buddy in Elvis’s inner circle: “Nineteen-year-old truck driver becomes superstar and super stud, which he wasn’t.” Or this from Lamar Fike, one of his closest associates: “I’ll give you Elvis’s relationship with Priscilla in a nutshell. You create a statue. And then you get tired of looking at it.” Or from Sheila Ryan Caan, one of the rare girlfriends who felt free to tease Elvis about his sartorial style: “Does Cruella know you have her cape tonight?”

Regardless of how Ms. Nash accrued and assembled this material, she manages to collect all the madness, badness and sadness of the Elvis myth in one exhaustive and (let’s face it) embarrassingly tempting volume. Though she is sure to be excoriated for leaving the emperor unclothed, she also writes with admiration. And after presenting an endless-seeming parade of consorts (he had declined from young starlets to young bank tellers in his final months), Ms. Nash gets the last word on girl-chasing from Elvis at his weariest.

“Why the hell do you put up with her?” Billy Smith, Presley’s cousin and entourage member, tells Ms. Nash that he asked Elvis about Ginger Alden, the consort who was asleep in the next room when he died. Said the King, “I’m just getting too old and tired to train another one.”

 

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One in seven young Australians say rape justified if women change their mind, study finds

Appalling!

Almost one in seven young Australians believe a man would be justified in raping a woman if she initiated sex but changed her mind, while almost one-quarter of young men think women find it flattering to be persistently pursued, even if they are not interested.

The findings from the National Community Attitudes Towards Violence Against Women Survey (NCAS) youth report released on Wednesday reveal that while young people increasingly believe in equality in the workplace and in leadership, they are less likely to recognise sexism, coercion or other problematic behaviours in their own relationships.

Of 1,761 people aged between 16 and 24 surveyed, 43% supported the statement: “I think it’s natural for a man to want to appear in control of his partner in front of his male friends.”

The survey, commissioned by Australia’s National Research Organisation for Women and Safety (Anrows) and VicHealth, is conducted every four years. The latest analysis comes from data collected in 2017.

While the proportion of young people agreeing that men make better political leaders than women declined from 24% in 2013 to 13% in 2017, almost one in three young people still believe that women prefer a man to be in charge of a relationship. Young men (36%) were more likely to support this statement than young women (26%).

More than one in five young people (22%) believe there is no harm in making sexist jokes about women when among their male friends, and young men (30%) are more than two times as likely than young women to agree with this statement (14%). While attitudes towards women in leadership had improved, young men (17%) were more likely than young women (8%) to say men make more capable bosses than women.

“A large proportion of young people support attitudes that deny gender inequality is a problem,” the report found. “Young men are substantially more likely to express these attitudes than young women across all questions in this theme.” For example, 45% of young people believe that many women exaggerate gender inequality in Australia, with young men (52%) more likely to hold this belief than young women (37%).

Nearly three in five young men believe that many women mistakenly interpret innocent remarks or acts as being sexist. Meanwhile, 37% agreed that women make up or exaggerate claims of violence to secure advantage in custody battles. The same proportion agreed with the statement “It is common for sexual assault accusations to be used as a way of getting back at men”, with young men (45%) more likely to agree than young women (29%).

Lead researcher Dr Anastasia Powell from RMIT University said the good news was that young people’s understanding of the nature of violence against women had improved over time, and so had their support for gender equality.

But an area where understanding has backtracked was around the unequal nature of domestic and family violence, she said.

“A lot of young people believe it’s a gender-neutral issue where men and women are equally using violence, but we know from police statistics and surveys this is largely a problem of men’s violence against women.”

Also concerning was that 20% of young men did not understand that repeatedly keeping track of a partner’s location was a form of violence against women, she said, while 11% did not think stalking is a form of violence.

“We must continue to invest in prevention strategies to continue to make ground on these attitudes and to make this the generation that ends violence against women,” Powell said.

The principal program officer for mental wellbeing at VicHealth, Renee Imbesi, said: “We can’t sit back just because women’s role in public life has improved.

“Many people still hold outdated views of women in the home, and it is clear that many young men and women are going into relationships with different expectations around things like gender roles and consent.

“We need to get the message out there that control in relationships can be a precursor to violence. The other aspect is if young people see more respect and equality in their own families and workplaces, then they will start to see that as the norm.

“If we don’t change our world to make it more gender equal, we can’t expect young people to be on board with equality.”

 

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5 Behaviors That Reveal Insecurities In Your Relationship

Insecurities are tricky business.

70% of heterosexual relationships fall apart within the first year, and a great majority of this boils down to couples not overcoming insecurities.

There isn’t a person on this planet who feels 100% confident 100% of the time. We like to think we hide it well, but deep down, we are all insecure about something or another. Yet, this lack of confidence can be overcome thanks to the love and words of kindness from our friends, S/Os and our family.

However, prolonged contact with insecurity can cause significant issues in a romantic relationship. When one partner is too clingy—and refuses to work on it—the more confident partner is almost always inevitably pushed away. Unless—of course—both partners are clingy, which results in both of them staying out of fear of losing one another. The first scenario is painful and sad. The second is downright tragic. Insecurities are how abusive relationships are made.

BEHAVIOR 1: INFIDELITY

Let’s just get this one out of the way from the get go.

There are two reasons a couple breaks up after infidelity:

1. The cheater is insecure in themselves and they feel the need to repeatedly cheat on their S/O in order to feel satisfied.
2. The victim is insecure and unwilling to forgive the cheater and work through the pain as a couple.

This reasoning may sound harsh, but the reality is: all cheating stems from a place of insecurity, and every relationship which falls apart as a result fell apart because one or both partners was too insecure to work through it.

Don’t get me wrong. Infidelity hurts. It hurts on the level of losing a child. Yet every act of infidelity has a root. That root may be that your partner is feeling unsatisfied sexually. It may be that they were deeply hurt as a child and are running for easy comfort because truly opening up to you is painful for them. Whatever the reason for cheating, cheating is wrong—but the majority of the time it isn’t purposefully malicious.

When you’ve been cheated on, you are fully justified in being angry. You are fully justified in feeling possessive. However, just because you feel a certain way does not make acting on it the right thing to do. Forgiveness does not just mean swallowing your feelings and forgetting. Forgiveness means, “let’s work through this together. Let’s heal our relationship together.”

To overcome insecurities surrounding infidelity, the pair of you need to be 100% transparent. You need to be willing to accept constructive criticism. You need to be willing to listen to your partner’s side, emotions and thoughts. There is an unimaginable amount of pain on both sides in these cases—even if your partner is a serial cheater.

That said, both partners need to be willing to repair the relationship for mutual healing to occur. If you have talked with your partner—be they the cheater or the victim—and they continually shut down, throw accusations, cast the blame or emotionally abuse you, it may be time to walk away and heal on your own. However, this should only be an option once you have exhausted every single resource to salvage the relationship.

BEHAVIOR 2: ONE-SIDED PURSUIT

Another signal of insecurity in a relationship is a one-sided pursuit. When one partner is constantly showering another in gifts, romantic dates and compliments at first it seems so romantic. However, as the relationship progresses through the natural stages, the infatuation wears off and most couples settle into a comfortable rhythm. This rhythm is still romantic and leaves room for great romantic gestures to be made. However, these are not constant.

If one partner is always offering these gestures, it demonstrates that they might be hiding a fear of their partner leaving. They are attempting to buy their affections, trying to prove that they are worth loving because they keep serving their partner. However, this is just a mask to their inner insecurities.

The problem with this sort of behavior is that the relationship will never reach maturity. The partner constantly showering the other with gifts is actually putting up a barrier which keeps the couple from ever reaching a depth of emotional intimacy. So when something truly turbulent happens in the relationship, the gift giver’s fears are finally realized. Either their partner leaves, or they confess their deep insecurity.

If the latter happens, the pair can begin to build towards establishing a true trust based on love and action. If the former, well… sadly the cycle usually continues from relationship to relationship until the insecure party begins to actively pursue individual healing.

BEHAVIOR 3: MUTUAL IDENTITY

A mutual identity is when two partners inextricably wrap themselves in each other’s lives so you cannot tell one without the other. They attend every single function together, must complete every project together, and it one is out of town the world comes to a crashing halt until they are together again.

This sort of relationship usually stems from each individual being unaware of who they are as a singular person. They do not know who they are, do not know their purpose, or are afraid of one of those two and are running away.

Whatever the reason, these relationships are almost always doomed to fail—or make the couple extremely unhappy—because life requires us to be able to fend for ourselves. Yes, it is healthy to be able to rely on your partner to pick up the slack when you are struggling. Yes, it is healthy to be able to cry on their shoulder when life is just too overwhelming. However, it is never healthy to stop living unless they are there by your side holding your hand through every little thing.

Time apart as partners is good, healthy even. Partners are able to develop their own interests and skills, pursue their dreams. Then when they come back together at the end of the day, they have plenty of interesting developments to discuss.

To overcome insecurities in this requires partners to find out who they are separate from each other. This does not necessarily mean splitting up, but rather pursuing different interests to develop their own skills. Once your individual skills are developed, you will be able to help each other pursue your dreams.

BEHAVIOR 4: CONSTANT INTERROGATION

A small amount of jealousy from time to time is acceptable. However, the jealousy which results in your partner getting angry when you go out, rifling through your internet history, and constantly asking where you’ve been is a little scary. These are the kinds of relationships that result in stalker-like tendencies—the kind that Netflix warns us about.

While most people who struggle with insecurities are no cause for that degree of alarm, someone with a snooping partner needs to have a serious conversation with them. Oftentimes an insecure partner is rifling through your schedule because they are afraid of losing you, and they will do anything to keep you. This fear often stems from a form of childhood neglect.

When your partner is struggling with abandonment issues, you need to be patient, understanding, but firm. Reassure them that you are with them in this present moment. They will want constant affirmation because they do not believe you. Rather than continually saying “I love you,” which they will not truly hear anyway, do your best to bring your partner to the present moment.

Overcoming fear of abandonment requires the partner to return their mind to the present moment. They are drawing on old feelings and mistaking the present for the past. Take your partner through emotional grounding techniques to help them recognize that the present is now and that you are here. In time, they will begin to realize that you are staying and they will begin to calm down. Talk with them about your boundaries, but even more, be willing to serve them by helping them learn to self regulate these fears. If you are in a truly committed relationship, eventually these fears will fade and be replaced by love.

BEHAVIOR 5: CONSTANT APOLOGIES

People who struggle with insecurities have no idea why you are with them. Literally no clue. They are thrilled when they find out that someone is interested in them, but that thrill is quickly replaced by a crippling fear that once their partner truly knows their imperfections, their partner will leave forever. Then begins the game of constantly trying to be enough for you.

Which means, they will always be apologizing.

Why?

insecurities in relationship

Because your insecure partner can never live up to their expectations of perfection.

They will apologize for breathing too loud, for buying you the wrong shampoo, for crying when something truly tragic happens to them. They will apologize for every little thing.

Overcoming insecurities requires much of the same tactics as outlined in the previous section. You need to reassure your partner that you love them and reminding them that they are allowed to have emotions, and allowed to make mistakes. Remind them of the grace they give you when you mess up, and encourage them to extend that same grace to themselves.

FINAL THOUGHTS TO OVERCOME INSECURITIES:

Ultimately, to overcome insecurities in relationships requires a great deal of work and determination. Both parties need to be willing to help one another cope with their own emotional baggage. At the end of the day though, the only person responsible for your own healing is you. Your partner can be there to support you—and you to them—but it takes two to tango, and the two of you need to provide your own emotional support and regulation to be able to help one another.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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10 Things Healthy Relationships Do (And 10 Things They Don’t)

Healthy relationships are incredible to be a part of. It’s no wonder that everyone seeks out these positive, happy partnerships when looking for a significant other. But a lot of toxic habits in relationships go overlooked because they seem small or unimportant.

This is why it’s so important to take note of unhealthy behavior and focus on creating positive habits for a good, long-lasting, mutually satisfying relationship. Here are some things healthy relationships do, and some things they don’t.

1. Respect of Privacy (Not Oversharing)

When you love someone, you like to talk about them. In a healthy relationship, though, there’s a clear line that is not to be crossed. Sure, you and your closest friends might giggle about something romantic your partner does or roll your eyes at some silly trait your partner has – but there are things you just don’t talk about.

Your partner might share deep dark secrets with you in confidence that you shouldn’t then spread around to other people, even if they promise not to tell anyone. If your partner finds out, they could feel betrayed and it will affect their overall trust in you.

The same goes for fights and disagreements. While it’s okay to rant to a trusted person on rare occasions, for the most part, your arguments with your partner should be between you. Bringing in third parties that will give you biased opinions or cause you to view your partner more negatively shows huge disrespect for your partner.

2. Independence (Not Codependence)

A relationship that is healthy should feature two whole, independent people staying together because they want to be together – not because they feel like they need to. This means each person should have no trouble doing activities on their own, such as:

  • Going out with their own group of friends
  • Following unique career paths and dreams
  • Enjoying their own hobbies
  • Taking me-time to themselves to rest and recuperate

This doesn’t mean you aren’t involved in each other’s lives, or that you don’t include each other in them. It just means that you have your own lives, too, which is a very positive trait in healthy relationships.

In unhealthy partnerships, one person may feel jealous or envious of the other person’s life, career, or friends. This stems from neediness, insecurity, and a validation-seeking nature that can be detrimental to a relationship in the long run. They may then resort to guilt-tripping, manipulation, unreasonable rules, and even forceful behavior to get what they want.

3. Giving Happily (Not Giving To Get)

Giving is a standard part of many relationships, but only a healthy one gives in a positive way. The good, healthy type of giving involves happily doing so in a free manner, without expecting something in return. You like seeing your partner happy, and they like seeing you happy, so it feels natural to give and make the other person smile.

Meanwhile, a toxic relationship never gives – unless it is seeking to get in return. This creates an air of distrust and discomfort within a relationship. You may worry that your partner’s gift means they are about to betray you or have done something wrong.

The same goes for soliciting giving. In a healthy relationship, both parties give freely. In unhealthy ones, you may feel like you have to give, or else. A partner might perform guilt tripping behavior in order to receive something from their significant other.

4. Support (Not Discouragement)

In a healthy relationship, your significant other is always there to support you. They inspire you and motivate you, pushing you to be better. When you go after your goals, they support you wholeheartedly and are there for the ride. And when you succeed, you can bet a million bucks that they’ll be right there celebrating with you!

But in unhealthy relationships, there isn’t this same level of support. Instead, you might feel discouraged. This can happen in a few different ways.

· Feeling stuck

You might feel actively discouraged when you think about your future because you need to make sure it is suitable for your partner – and that involves going in the opposite direction than you want to.

· Lacking confidence

Your partner may bring you down and convince you that you cannot succeed in chasing your dreams.

· Envy

If you have a competitive partner, they may become bitter when you succeed. They may feel extremely envious whenever you’re getting ahead in life, causing you to feel guilty for doing well.

· Jealousy

Your partner might stop you from following your dreams for fear that you will drift away from them. They might actively hold you back in order to keep you around.

5. Equality (Not Superiority or Inferiority)

A healthy relationship features equality. Both partners respect each other and consider each other equals in every way. There is no concept of someone deserving more than the other in any area, including:

  • Money
  • Freedom
  • Free time
  • Work
  • Benefits
  • Respect
  • Listening

This means finding compromises in a lot of areas. If one partner works 9 to 5, the other will take on extra chores. If both parties work, they split chores and errands between them. There isn’t a case of someone sitting in front of the television while the other person runs around doing all the household tasks and parenting duties.

An unhealthy relationship features ego dynamics that cause superiority battles. This isn’t just about chores, though; it’s also about entitlement. One person may feel like they deserve to be constantly listened to but never listens to their partner. Or a partner may feel like they are owed intimacy-related favors because they did extra chores.

6. Fighting Against A Problem (Not Against Each Other)

Fights aren’t pleasant, but when handled in a positive way, they can help a relationship grow stronger. If the idea of a good argument sounds foreign to you, take a look at these ways that fighting can be done healthily in a relationship, compared to unhealthy fighting habits.

· Learning

When you fight, you learn more about each other. You get better insight into your partner’s needs and, if you play your cards right, you’ll be able to understand them more and see how to prevent such disagreements in the future. You will also gain knowledge on how to better handle the situations that led to the fight.

A person in an unhealthy relationship, however, will collect this information as ammunition to use against their partner in the future. They don’t seek to learn from this fight to prevent future ones – they seek to learn so they can “win” the next one.

· Compromise

A healthy fight involves compromise. You have two different opinions or preferences, and you have to find a win-win solution. It takes a lot of work and effort from both parties, but there is always an option that will make both of you feel relatively satisfied.

On the other hand, an unhealthy fight is selfish. A partner in this situation will insist on having things done their way, refusing to budge. This will either cause a never-ending argument or result in someone being forced to give in.

· Togetherness

The goal of an argument should always be solving the issue. This means you and your partner are fighting against the problem – you aren’t fighting against each other.

In a healthy relationship, this is apparent. Both people try to stay calm and promote good discussion while keeping their positive thinking. Meanwhile, in an unhealthy relationship, both people are so concerned about preserving their pride and “winning” that they can’t find the solution they need.

7. Security and Trust (Not Jealousy)

In healthy relationships, you and your partner will feel secure with each other. You will trust each other without question; it’s great to come home at the end of the day to a place you know is safe, and a person you know loves you no matter what.

This also gives both partners more freedom. They have their own friends and lives while still feeling secure in the love they share with the other person. It’s a very important feature in a healthy relationship.

But in unhealthy relationships, a partner – or both – will be insecure. They will feel jealous about other connections a partner has, act in a controlling manner, or sneak through text messages to look for incriminating evidence. This creates a lack of security in the relationship that makes it feel unsafe and volatile.

8. Forgiveness (Not Resentment)

You and your partner are human. You will make mistakes sometimes. But when it’s all said and done and it’s all been hashed out, you are both ready to forgive each other and put it behind you – that’s a healthy relationship.

In an unhealthy relationship, one or both members have difficulty forgiving, though they might try to. In all likelihood, grudges will be held and resentment will build between both of you until it all comes to blows. Dwelling in the past like this is toxic and only harms the relationship.

9. Making Plans As A Unit (Not Being Self-Centered)

In healthy relationships, you know you’ll be together for a long time to come – so you make plans accordingly. You make decisions and plan for what’s to come as one cohesive unit, with positive thinking and hope, and by respecting each other.

However, an unhealthy relationship will not do this. Instead, there will be self-centered behavior and fighting because you refuse to compromise on what you want. It will force one person to give up their personal hope for the future so that the other one can flourish; and, as you can imagine, this will create tension further down the line.

10. Acceptance (Not Change)

In healthy relationships, it is paramount that both people love and respect each other 100%. This means accepting your partner and all their quirks, flaws, and traits. You should love your significant other just as they are.

In toxic relationships, on the other hand, a member will try to change their partner to suit what they desire. A partner may control the other, or guilt-trip them into changing certain behaviors. This extremely unhealthy behavior shows a lack of true love for the other.

There is, of course, the need for personal growth and improvement – but the keyword here is “personal.” Your partner shouldn’t be forcing you to change or telling you that you need to improve. Instead, they should simply inspire you to grow and develop – just as you should for them!

Final Thoughts On Some Things Healthy Relationships Do And Some They Don’t

Healthy relationships can be hard work, but they are extremely worth it. They will make you happy and spur you to do better, not drag you down through toxicity. Keep this in mind moving forward, and you’ll surely enjoy great partnerships to come.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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5 Ways to Flirt With Your Soul to Attract Your Soulmate

Many people are out in the world hoping to find their soulmate. They want to find the person who will fit into their lives amazingly. They want to find that ever-elusive “One True Love” that evades them.

When you’re out in a bar and flirting with the person next to you, how do you know if you’re even doing it right? Is what you’re doing even attracting the right people? The answer depends: are you flirting with your soul?

It sounds complicated, and it can be, but speaking with your very being and soul is what draws the right people in and keeps the wrong people out. Here are some ways to flirt with your soul to attract your soulmate.

5 Ways To Flirt With Your Soul To Attract Your Soulmate

1. Practice Honesty

Honesty is the best policy when it comes to flirting with your soul. Anything founded on lies or half-truths will come back to bite you at the end of the day. Besides, how can you use your soul if you’re masking what it contains? Here are some ways you need to be honest to flirt with your soul.

· Be Honest With Yourself

Flirting with your soul involves knowing yourself well, and the only way to do so is to be honest with yourself. A lot of times, people fear who they are without realizing it, so they ignore their innermost voices in favor of avoiding personal introspection.

That’s why it’s important to be honest with yourself. You have to be confident in yourself, and in order to do so, you have to know yourself and be real about it! So be proud of who you are, practice positive thinking, and know that at the end of the day, your authentic stuff is more than enough!

· With The People You Flirt With

A lot of people embellish their lives and personalities when flirting with new people. This sets the stage for disappointment, a lack of trust, and other issues as you go on.

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t put your best foot forward – you should always do that! – it just means that you shouldn’t pretend to be someone you’re not to attract others. Your real soulmate will like you just as you are, and may even deem your dishonest self a less-than-suitable match.

· With Your Relationship Desires

There is definitely a line to be drawn regarding reasonable expectations, but that doesn’t mean you cannot go after certain desires, even if they are not the most conventional.

Unfortunately, many people believe that wanting certain things out of a relationship is “greedy” – but it isn’t greedy or shallow to want certain things out of your lifelong partner. For example, you may want a partner who:

  • Aims to travel with you often
  • Loves social gatherings or is extroverted
  • Will cook for the family
  • Has certain political leanings or opinions that align with yours
  • Is a vegetarian, vegan, or has a dietary plan similar to yours

You have to be honest with yourself and what you want. Before you attempt to find your soulmate, take time to determine what you really, truly want in a relationship.

Essentially, don’t settle! Don’t model your desires after successful relationships around you, as every relationship is unique and different. This will prevent discontentment down the line.

Be true to yourself, your desires, and who you are; in this way, seek to forge honest, real connections with others. That’s how you flirt with your soul, and it’s how your soulmate will be drawn to you!

2. Love Yourself and Heal Yourself

It’s important to work on yourself and focus on self-love, instead of searching for someone to help you heal. Not only is seeking a soulmate to make you whole a toxic way to begin a relationship, it likely won’t actually attract a real soulmate.

Of course, the concept of needing to love yourself before someone else can love you is a bit of an exaggeration, but at its root, it’s a good concept to follow. If you’re overly critical of yourself and who you are, you send out bad vibes and negative energy that will repel your soulmate – and everyone else, for that matter.

Self-love is easier than it sounds, though. So here are some ways that you can work in this area!

· Forgive Yourself

It’s not unusual for someone to be extremely hard on themselves. You might feel like your past wrongdoings mean you have to punish yourself forever. You might be stuck in the past due to moments where you messed up.

But you need to learn to be kind to yourself and be forgiving of your past. You can’t grow without making errors along the way; the best thing you can do is learn from those errors, apply the lessons to your life, and move on.

Remember that there is no such thing as failure, as those failures are only stepping stones to success. Learn to take each failure in a positive way, and you’ll be able to do the same for others.

· Work On Healing

Old wounds can make it difficult to move forward. It can cause you to form protective habits to prevent yourself from being hurt again, without truly understanding the wounds you’ve sustained.

Take a moment to examine your so-called emotional baggage. Take a look at areas of your life and behavior that are affected by this baggage. Recognize where your issues come from; then let yourself understand them.

Realize that these problems do not dictate your future and that you can incorporate positive habits to prevent them. Allow yourself to heal and give yourself permission to be happy. Believe that the rest will follow.

· Prioritize Self-Love

Treat yourself well every single day. Listen to your body and mind and what it wants. Be gentle with your mistakes. Do what you can do be happy.

It can feel like an uphill battle at first, but soon, little positive affirmations, moments of kindness, and your self-love habits will become natural to you. You’ll really, truly love yourself more and more every day, opening the door for others to love you.

· Do Self-Care

Everyone needs a break, even go-getters like you! Make sure that your own needs are being met regularly. Treat yourself once in a while and let yourself feel pampered. It’ll do wonders for your mental health!

At the end of the day, loving yourself is attractive. It creates confidence, and your positive thinking will shine through with a bright energy that draws others in. That’s how you can flirt with your soul!

3. Pay Attention To Silence

There is a lot that can be said in silence, often more so than you can hear in audible words. Your connection to a soulmate will occur without the noise – you’ll feel it in the energy, in the air, and intuitively.

Here are some ways to learn to appreciate silence when you’re flirting with your soul to draw your soulmate in.

· Body Language

Nonverbal language makes up a huge portion of communication. If you ignore this, you might miss out on some interesting cues from a soulmate, such as:

  • Expressions
  • Gestures
  • Posture

On top of that, understanding nonverbal language will allow you to be more in control of yours so you can use it effectively when flirting!

· Eyes

Someone’s eyes say a lot about them. Some even say that they’re the window to the soul. Practice good, healthy eye contact when flirting and appreciate what you notice in the other person. Maybe there’s a spark there only you can see!

· Exist

Sometimes, all you have to do is take a step back, breathe in, and allow yourself to exist in a space. Even in a party or large social gathering, learn to appreciate the sounds of the world around you without actively participating all the time.

With a soulmate, you’ll enjoy many comfortable minutes of silence. Even when in a crowded room, you’ll be drawn to each other and will be able to exist in your own private world together. It’s a magical feeling to experience with one another, and in order to get there, you have to learn to be happy with silence.

4. Be True To Who You Are

Your soulmate will be attracted to who you really, truly are. They’re not going to be drawn in by your masks and embellishments. They’re not going to notice you when you tone yourself down to hide your perceived “weird” traits or preferences.

As we mentioned earlier, it’s very easy to fall into the trap of embellishing your life and putting on a mask when flirting. You want others to like you, so you shift into what you think they want – and, often, you get it wrong anyway.

If your goal is to attract your soulmate; other people who don’t like who you are don’t matter. They won’t be a big part of your life, and they definitely aren’t expecting you to change.

So don’t be afraid to be yourself, to be unique, and to be “weird.” Wear the outfits you love, even if your friends say they dampen your chances. Talk about your passions, even the ones others might scoff to hear about. Express yourself boldly and confidently, and even people who don’t like you will have to respect your self-assuredness.

It’s exhausting to wear any kind of mask. To be yourself is the ultimate way to flirt with your soul to attract your soulmate. Don’t put on fake personalities for others – wear your own proudly, and let those who are drawn to you be drawn further in.

5. Have Faith In The Journey

A lot of times, people are so focused on the end goal – finding a soulmate – that they forget how amazing the journey can be. A soulmate relationship is just like any other – it’s a relationship, and you need to be in a good place in your life to sustain it.

Trust that the universe is conspiring to make that happen perfectly. Don’t rush it, don’t force it, and don’t become discouraged. Put your faith in the whole process and continue to learn and grow every day. One day, as you flirt from your soul, your soulmate will find you, and you will find them.

Final Thoughts On Some Ways To Flirt With Your Soul To Attract Your Soulmate

Flirting with your soul is an art, and it takes practice. But by being honest, being yourself, and loving who you are, you’ll find that it’s not too hard to grasp. So relax and enjoy the moment. Who knows? Your soulmate might be just around the corner.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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5 Things you should never say to your partner

Not good…

Words are powerful

“You never do anything around here!”

“You’re overreacting!”

“Are you that dumb?”

Yep. Chances are, that in the heat of an argument, you’ll either hurl a ‘low blow’ at your partner – or be at the receiving end of a not-so-nice comment!

 

We all know that communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. But, just as words have the ability to build up, they also have the power to tear down.

Relationships are fragile – and all it takes is one snarky comment or snide remark to tear down months – or years – of ‘good’.

While it’s impossible to ‘police’ every word that comes out of your mouth (especially when you’re angry or hurt) – it is probably a good idea to practise a little mindfulness when it comes to choosing what you say, and of course, how you say it!

Here are five things you should never say to your partner:

1. “You always!” or “You never!”

Absolute phrases like “always” and “never” carry a lot of weight.

How truthful are you being when you say something like “You never help with the kids!”? Is it that your partner truly, never helps? Or, that he often works late, and thus only helps with what he can?

If you think about it, there’s a big difference.

Instead of assassinating your partner’s character with hurtful, unproductive statements during an unrelated fight; rather take a minute when you’re not at each other’s throats and acknowledge what your partner does do, and then ask them if they could find time to help you out in other ways!

In a marriage, it’s normal for silly arguments to spiral out of control

2. “You’re overreacting”…

We often pass remarks like “Calm down!”, “You’re too sensitive” and “You’re overreacting!” when we don’t understand why our partner feels a certain way. But, what we tend to forget, is that just because we might not understand how they feel, doesn’t mean that their feelings aren’t justified.

Your partner’s emotions are always valid – and need to be heard, not dismissed.

An alternative statement to try might be something like; “I can understand why you feel that way, but maybe tomorrow you will feel differently about it!”.

3. “I want a divorce”

In a marriage, it’s normal for silly arguments to spiral out of control. What is not normal, and not OK, is to hurl the ‘D’-word around – unless you are 100% sure that you have come to that point in your relationship.

If you haven’t, then threatening divorce is nothing more than that – an idle threat – and all you’re essentially communicating is that you have one foot out of the door, and your partner can’t feel ‘safe’ in your commitment anymore!

4. “I make more money than you”

Bringing up who pays for what will never get you anywhere. It shouldn’t matter who makes more money – because at the end of the day, you’re a team that’s building a life together.

5. Nothing

Sigh.

‘Nothing’ is probably the worst thing you can say in a relationship – but a lot of people serve up the silent treatment when they’re upset about something.

While there is a place to reserve your words when you feel like you’re being irrational, there’s a big difference between holding your tongue and the silent treatment.

Refusing to talk to your partner is not only an immature way to communicate that you’re upset, but is also a form of punishment and manipulation.

Giving your partner the cold shoulder ultimately does more harm than good – as it hinders communication and finding solutions to your relationship problems!

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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Husband discovers wife’s multiple affairs after 10 years of marriage

“My self-worth and self-confidence bottomed out. I was a total wreck.”

Here are a few tips to make things smoother when navigating the world of co-parenting.

In 10 years of their marriage, Seth and his wife never lied to each other…about anything.

There were no little white lies about pretending to his birthday present every year or remembering to put the kids’ soccer uniforms in the dryer.

Instead, the couple built their marriage on a solid foundation of trust and honesty.

The moment Seth found it that had all been a lie, was utterly soul-crushing.

For years, the mother of his four children had been carrying out multiple affairs,

“She shared much more than her body … she shared her heart,” he first wrote on Love What Matters. “That’s what hurts the most about affairs.

“More than the breaking of trust, the physical act of breaking the covenant, the stolen money, it was the casualness in which she gave away that emotional bond we had.”

Source: Seth MegowSeth and his wife, who had been married for 10 years, have four beautiful kids together. Source: Seth Megow

“Neither of us had ever dealt with this”

At first, when his wife started going out late, Seth simply brushed it off.

She was busy working while raising their four kids, he remembered reassuring himself.

Anyone would need to cool off after dealing with all that stress.

“It was almost impossible to have an easy sit-down conversation about it,” he said.

“She was in avoidance mode, and I was in detective mode.

“This caused more tension since neither of us had ever dealt with this before.

“She wasn’t used to not being open, and I wasn’t used to having to pry for information about her life.”

Source: Seth MegowSeth desperately didn’t want to believe his wife had been unfaithful. Source: Seth Megow

“A tug of war between my head and my heart”

Then she stopped coming home at night, claiming she was staying out late with friends.

She also started covering her tracks, locking her phone and using cash to pay for everything – so Seth couldn’t check her bank statements.

“It’s easy to say looking back that I should have just let her go then,” Seth said.

“My brain was telling me: ‘Look at the facts. She hides her phone at night, pays for everything in cash, and spends the night out multiple times a week’.

“On the other hand, my heart was telling me: ‘She would never cheat. We are beyond close and each other’s true best friend. I’m sure this is just a big misunderstanding’.

“It was all a giant tug of war between my head and my heart. A back and forth between the facts and the feelings.”

Source: Seth MegowSeth, pictured here with one of his daughters, discovered the affairs on Facebook. Source: Seth Megow

“I was a total wreck”

But eventually, Seth’s head won the battle– after his wife accidentally left her Facebook open one night.

He painfully read countless messages that proved his wife had been having multiple affairs.

There were endless one night stands and also a serious long-term boyfriend.

“So now both my head and my heart knew the truth,” Seth said.

“I felt so betrayed and crushed.

“We had spent years pouring love, life, encouragement, and hope into each other.

“If my closest friend in the world didn’t see the value in me, why would anyone?

“My self-worth and self-confidence bottomed out. I was a total wreck.”

Source: Seth MegowSeth became a single dad to their four young kids. Source: Seth Megow

It just wasn’t working

Even after all that, Seth still found it hard to leave.

He desperately prayed for divine intervention to bring his wife back as she begged for a divorce.

But eventually, it became obvious that it just wasn’t working.

“So we got divorced. I got the kids. She got every other weekend with them and her freedom,” Seth said.

“Now to be fair, she had been an amazing mother for a long time.

“We discussed that hopefully one day in the future, once she found healing, she would feel more comfortable with a greater role in their lives.”

Source: Seth MegowAfter the divorce, Seth focused on being the best dad possible for his kids. Source: Seth Megow

“I just kept on taking one day at a time”

So Seth became a single dad to four young kids while also dealing with the emotional fall-out from the destruction of his marriage.

It’s now been four years since they signed the divorce papers, Seth is still in the process of rebuilding his life.

“Of course, I wasn’t a perfect husband. I wasn’t a perfect dad, friend, son, or employee either,” he said.

“However, I tried and continue to try. I just kept on taking one day at a time.

“Some days were tougher than others, but the important thing was to not give up living.

“I learned that through heartbreak and hardships we receive this amazing gift of compassion if we choose to embrace it.”

For more of Seth’s story check out his blog, “Who Put My iPad in the Dishwasher?

If you or someone you know is battling addiction, help is available. Call the Family Drug Helplineon 1300 368 186, DrugInfo on 1300 858 584 or Youth Substance Abuse Service on 1800 014 446. For a complete list of services by state click hereIf you believe you are in immediate danger, please contact police on 000.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Facebook: phicklephilly       Instagram: @phicklephilly       Twitter: @phicklephilly

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