Lovely Lauren – The Most Beautiful Bartender I’ve Ever Met – Part 1

Look at our Lauren. So pretty. A lovely queen.

Let’s go back to 2013. Let’s go back to a time when I worked for a start-up site. Let’s go back to a time when I really believed the words people told me were true. That there were investors and we would build the company I worked for.

We would build this company into an international brand and it all was all a lie.

It happens in business.

We decided to write some articles about some of our paying clients on our drinking publication. It’s a magazine to show you where to get happy hour and places to go drink.

People… we have YELP for fuck’s sake.

I did what I could for this publication. When I was hired I thought this was going to be a well-funded brand that was about to go national, but we never got the funding and in the end I was fired because they could no longer afford me.

I loved working there, but my goodness, guys.

We had a great client that I acquired. Stratus.

Amazing rooftop bar. Kimpton property. They were paying us every month and we went to see them about their new mobile bar options.

I asked the general manager if there was anything he wanted us to write about.

He said go in there.

He waved me away to the private room Vapor.

I walked to the room and entered.

 

And that’s when I met Lauren.

 

I laid eyes on Lauren and she was one of the prettiest girls I’d ever seen.

I mean… Lauren is absolutely gorgeous.

She’s pretty, fit, and so affable.

I think. This is it. The perfect interview and photo shoot with this lovely woman.

My boss is with me. This is a rare paying client. He’s taking photos. The pics are good. I hope I don’t look too old with this hot baby.

 

I write up a bunch of questions. I’ve never done an interview before. But I try to write an interesting conversation with a beautiful lady for our paying client.

 

Lauren comes to the office so I can interview her.

We’ve already taken so many hot pics of you. I appreciate you coming in to do the interview.

I’m so excited to meet her. This is the hottest bartender I’ve ever met.

Now she’s coming to the BNY Mellon Center to come to our trick/phony rented office at our little drinking publication. (Without investors, we’re doomed in this business model.)

Sweet Lauren shows up. She’s wearing a tank top and a pair a daisy dukes and its killing me.

Her legs are spectacular.

She was great in her photo shoot. Her forced shoot. Pimped out by her manager and us.

I feel bad for the first time at my job at the publication.

Sad thing is this work will never be published.

It’s a fun amazing interview with a smart, pretty girl. When I turned it in to management at the drinking publication, they told me they wouldn’t publish it because it wasn’t a match for the ideology of the site.

This breaks my heart. We have a paying client that asked us to write a piece for them and put it in our magazine.

I loved meeting Lauren and interviewing her, and I thought it would be a really great article that our readers would enjoy.

Something new and different with a pretty lady that would get people excited to go to Stratus at 5th and Chestnut and support our paying client.

But no. Our publisher turned it down. I think he liked it but that wife of his would have freaked out about us talking to hot women. I really believe that.

 

But…

I recently found the interview and all of the photos.

I want to honor lovely Lauren and publish it here.

So please enjoy meeting the prettiest and most charming bartender I know here on Phicklephilly.

Thank you Lauren, and I’m sorry about all that nonsense in the past.

Hopefully my followers will enjoy your story.

Tune in tomorrow for more…

 

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Is There Really A Difference Between Expensive Vodka And Cheap Vodka?

Walk in to just about any bar in America today and you’ll see a row of fancy vodka bottles all lined up. Some people swear by one brand or another, but there is a federal law that requires all vodkas to be pretty much the same, so the Planet Money team decided to test them.

AILSA CHANG, HOST:

Walk into just about any bar in America today, and you’ll see a row of fancy vodka bottles all lined up, shining like beacons. Some people swear by one brand or another, but there is a federal law that requires all vodkas to be pretty much the same. That got our Planet Money team thinking, is this the greatest marketing coups of all time? So they teamed up with Dan Pashman of the food podcast The Sporkful, to put fancy vodka to the test.

DAN PASHMAN, BYLINE: Let’s start with Title 27, Section 5.22 of the Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms Code.

PASHMAN: I got it right here. It says that vodka must be distilled or treated until it is, quote, “without distinctive character, aroma, taste or color.” Of course it tastes like vodka, but it wouldn’t be vodka if it had distinctive character. Still, a lot of vodka makers insist their flavor’s superior. Grey Goose calls itself the world’s best-tasting vodka. It’s a big claim, which is no surprise if you know anything about the guy who invented it.

MATTHEW LATKIEWICZ: Sidney Frank – he is a classic American businessman and almost a cliche. He came from nothing, poor. He went to Brown. But he only went to Brown for one year because he couldn’t afford it.

PASHMAN: This is Matthew Latkiewicz. He’s a drinks writer and author of “You Suck At Drinking.” He says Sidney Frank was just determined to strike it rich. Frank married into a wealthy family, which got him into the liquor business. Now, back in the early ’90s, the fanciest vodka around was Absolut. But by today’s standards, it wasn’t that expensive. And that’s what Sidney Frank focused on – not the taste of Absolut but the price.

LATKIEWICZ: He essentially out of thin air goes, I want to make a vodka. So Absolut’s charging 15. I’ll charge 30. He didn’t even have a product at this point.

PASHMAN: But he already knew he was going to charge double. And to do that, he needed a product that screamed luxury.

LATKIEWICZ: It’s got to be the best. Everything that is the best comes from France. So he goes to France, and he looks around for distillers. He says, can you make vodka? He finds somebody that says, yes, of course I can make vodka.

PASHMAN: Frank sent his product to bartenders but not in cardboard boxes like vodka is usually shipped.

LATKIEWICZ: He would give them the bottle in these – a wooden box with straw inside and nicely packaged. It would be this large, clear bottle with the frosted glass that when you put it up on the back bar would catch whatever light was there, and it would kind of glow.

PASHMAN: The whole plan worked. Sidney Frank died a very rich man. He sold Grey Goose to Bacardi less than 10 years after he started it for more than $2 billion. At the Planet Money team, we thought that sounded so easy. Can we make our own premium vodka? We learned that a lot of companies actually buy a vodka concentrate in bulk from a handful of suppliers. Then they just add water. So we’ve got a hold of a sample, brought it here into the studio…

(SOUNDBITE OF LIQUID POURING)

PASHMAN: …Added some water…

PASHMAN: …And sent it to a lab along with a sample of Grey Goose and a sample of some of the cheapest stuff we could find. A few days later, we got a call from Neva Parker. She’s the vice president at White Labs in San Diego. She ran our vodkas through what they call a comprehensive spirits test.

Based on that information, Neva, which of these three vodkas would you suspect should be the cheapest, least-desirable vodka?

NEVA PARKER: If I had to choose based on this analysis alone, I would say number one.

PASHMAN: That was the Grey Goose. And the ultra luxury choice…

PARKER: Number three.

PASHMAN: Number three was the cheap stuff. Now, to be fair, Neva did say the differences in all three samples weren’t anything most people were going to taste. She compared the reports.

PARKER: I mean, look at these. They all look very similar as well.

PASHMAN: Very similar – we did talk to Grey Goose. Their global brand ambassador, Joe McCanta, took issue with our test.

JOE MCCANTA: Obviously our product was decanted into another bottle. And when that happens, it kind of compromises, you know, our understanding of any testing that’s done on the product afterwards.

PASHMAN: He also argued that the odorless, tasteless law is more about distinguishing true vodka from vodkas that have stuff like fruit and sugar added. Pure vodka is its own category.

MCCANTA: Every vodka within the category will have its own characteristics, which would be largely attributed to the raw materials used to make the spirit or even the process used while distilling the spirit. So yeah, that’s definitely our take on it. And that’s why – you know, that’s why we feel very proud of our process and our ingredients.

PASHMAN: So our one lab didn’t detect any taste-able differences even with our homemade vodka. And the law seems pretty clear to us. But Grey Goose insists there is a difference. They also invited us to come have a drink with them. We are willing to continue our research. For NPR News, I’m Dan Pashman, host of The Sporkful food podcast.

 

 

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The Racist

A few years ago I’m walking down the street just finishing a conversation on my old ass, craptastic, flip phone. Just as I’m hanging up, wham, I bump into someone and drop my phone. I apologize, grab my phone, and head back to work.

Ten minutes later I get a phone call: Hey, I think we switched phones by accident.” Turns out the girl I bumped into had the same phone as me. Anyways, we plan to meet at a local coffee place after work that day to trade back. I walk up and see this very cute ginger wearing a suit dress. We chat for a bit: turns out she works at a bank, likes what I like, and is totally up for getting dinner this weekend! Great!

Saturday evening rolls around and I swing by her place to pick her up. Out her door walks a girl who looks remarkably like said date only instead of professional office clothes, she is wearing 4 inch platform ho boots, fishnet stalkings, some sorta corset like top and and spiky hair.

Now normally I don’t really care about a person’s style, but I was bit taken aback. “Who cares” I think and jump out to open the door.

Cue witty banter.

Everything is going great! Shes laughing at my jokes and her humor seems to match mine perfectly. She asks what the plan is for the night and I tell her I’m going to take her to my absolute favorite high-quality dining establishment… and get her a Big Mack. Hell, if she plays her cards right, I might even supersize it. She runs with the joke, and even one-ups me. My spirits are high. She might have wild fashion, but this chick is cool.

We arrive at this nice pub in town and I turn off the car.

“What about McDonalds?” Legit confused look on her face…

I laugh and upon seeing her face stop in confusion. We head inside and order dinner. I have a scotch and she orders the biggest boot (this restaurant has glass boots) of bud light I’ve ever seen. The waiter comes over and takes our order. As he’s leaving, my date whispers rather loudly: “I can’t believe they let his people in such a classy place. We should probably check our food for spit before we eat it.”

Our waiter is black and has ears…

So I am beginning to panic. She continues her whispered commentary on the supremacy of whites all the while putting away an obscene (but impressive) quantity of beer. Dinner arrives and she makes a point of checking her plate for saliva. Waiter and I make eye contact and I like to think that he understood that I agreed with him that this girl was nuts.

So three more boots of beer later, she excuses herself for a bathroom break while I take care of the check. I apologize profusely to the waiter for my date’s conduct. Dude is a true gentleman: “Don’t worry about it man, there are all sorts of people in this world.” My date returns and we head out.

In MY car she pulls out a cigarette and lights up. Doesn’t even bother putting the window down. “We should go shooting out at my dad’s farm! What’s your favorite fun?”

I vaguely excuse myself from such activities and point out that it is rather later and time to go home. I drop her off at her house and she says: This was great, except for that waiter. We should totally go get that Big Mac next time. See you soon!”

 

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White Bustier

“She can’t even get some peace and quiet at her friend’s place as she’s also getting stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey.”

Oh man. I used to keep a diary when I was actively dating because there were some doozies. Two come to mind right away. There’s the “You’re going to be such a good father if you get me pregnant” girl, and the Sunday afternoon walk of shame.

Met this chick on Tinder. Pictures of her look great, we share a lot of mutual interests and conversation wasn’t too bad. Plan to meet for an afternoon drink and watch the ballgame at a local bar I love.

I get there a bit early, she’s almost 30 mins late. (You all know I hate that) Bartender knows exactly what’s up and we shoot the shit until she hauls her tardy ass in the door. As she arrives, bartender says “I don’t think this is going to go well” and kind of grimaces at me. I turn to see this girl walk in, makeup still on from last night, white bustier type top, tight black pants and doesn’t look like she’s slept much.

I think to myself, did she seriously just walk of shame from being out at the club last night and fucking a random right to this date? No way, but it appears as such. 30 seconds in and I knew I had no interest, but I had to see where this would go.

She got the minimal amount of attention required as I watched the ballgame, drank beer and ate lunch. She sipped on water and had a few bites of fries. Cut to the chase, she serenades me with the tale of last night, how she was out, came home, couldn’t sleep because her ex-boyfriend (who moved out, to the apartment DIRECTLY above her in the same building) has been banging chicks almost every night and makes it a point to race the bed across the room while doing it. A true assertion of dominance by him, she just can’t take it. So, she apparently went to her friend’s place where she has keys. Went there, crashed on her couch without waking said friend. Wakes up to her friend’s shower running in the morning. Thinks nothing of it until a strange man she doesn’t know walks buck-ass-naked into the living room with his twig-n-berries hanging in all it’s glory. Turns out her friend was also banging a random last night.

Now keep in mind I really couldn’t care less at this point… I tell her there’s a lot of bangin’ going on, where’s her tales of coitus? She begins to break down, how everyone is getting laid except her, she has to listen to her very recent ex-boyfriend taking chicks to the meat market upstairs, and she can’t even get some peace and quiet at her friend’s place as she’s also getting stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey.

That’s when I notice the tattoo on her arm. In shitty cursive is the name “Liam”. I just ask “Is his name Liam by chance”? She looks flabbergasted that I just guessed it and asks if I know him or something. “No, not really, but I seem to have a good understanding of who he is”.. I point to her arm and she just looks down in shame.

Ended up walking her to her car, gave her a pity hug and told her she seemed like a nice girl, but she should probably take some time before hitting the dating scene. She wrote me later that day and thanked me for being so nice and she was sorry she was such a mess. I wished her well.

She came up on a “People you may know” Facebook suggestion a few months back. Doesn’t look like she’s doing much better, sadly. Poor girl.

 

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Tales of Rock – Alice Cooper Reveals How Jesus Saved His Life

Alice Cooper is a complicated individual. A world-famous musician, certainly, known for his shocking performances and focus on rock and metal.

But that’s not how he started out. And as he prepares for his role as King Harod on NBC’s live version of “Jesus Christ Superstar,” he’s telling more of his backstory.

When he started seriously focusing on music in the late 60s, Cooper quickly fell to the pull of alcohol. Not unusual for celebrities and musicians, but dangerous no matter what your career.

“Everything that could go wrong was shutting down inside of me,” Cooper told Confidential. “I was drinking with Jim Morrison and Jimi Hendrix and trying to keep up with Keith Moon and they all died at 27.”

Alice Cooper Reveals How Jesus Saved His Life on Night He Was Throwing up Blood 40 Years Ago

Almost 40 years ago — 37 to be exact — the performer had a major turning point. A come-to-Jesus moment, if you will.

After years of heavy drinking and trashing his body, Cooper woke himself up by vomiting blood. While that would be concerning for anyone, Cooper knew why it was happening.

Cooper also knew what it meant he would have to do. After being authoritatively denounced as an alcoholic, he stopped drinking.

Stopping on its own is challenging, especially if you’re a habitual drinker, but Cooper said he also never had the desire to drink again.

Why? He said it was because of God.

“My wife and I are both Christian. My father was a pastor, my grandfather was an evangelist. I grew up in the church, went as far away as I could from it — almost died — and then came back to the church.”

That trend could describe many individuals. There are plenty of parents, friends, and relatives grieving the falling-away of loved ones. But perhaps it was Cooper’s foundation in Christianity that gave him stability when nothing else could.

He clearly has a lot of respect for his dad, and no doubt his father’s words rang in his ears during his darkest times.

“He could preach all day, keep you interested, tell jokes,” he said about his father in a 2011 interview. “I got that from him. He also loved music: Sinatra and Elvis.”

“When the Beatles came along, I was surprised when he went, ‘Yeah, they’re pretty good,’ because other parents were going, ‘Oh, no’. And my mom only worried about the lifestyle: ‘You’re gonna get caught up in drugs, you’re gonna get 20 girls pregnant.’”

Some people have had a hard time lining up Cooper’s appearance and life with standard Christian values, but he has words for them.

“There’s nothing in Christianity that says I can’t be a rock star. People have a very warped view of Christianity. They think it’s all very precise and we never do wrong and we’re praying all day and we’re right-wing. It has nothing to do with that. It has to do with a one-on-one relationship with Jesus Christ.”

Alice Cooper Reveals How Jesus Saved His Life on Night He Was Throwing up Blood 40 Years Ago

 

He’s also been faithful to his Christian wife, and the two still love each other after all these years.

“My wife is a ballet teacher so she is very organized,” he said in 2011. “I’m the spontaneous one – she never knows what’s coming, except that I’m gonna be home and I’m gonna be sober. After that, there might be a ticket to Jamaica in there.”

 

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California Dreamin’ – 1982 to 1984 – Date or Babysitter?

 

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California Dreamin’ – 1982 to 1984 -Amanda – Not The Best Date

Amanda was a very hot girl who agreed to meet me at the bar I worked in when I finished and then we would go for drinks after. I was running late however so I was in the office cashing up and said I’d be down in 15 minutes and she should get a drink at the bar.

I had met her at one of our shows. She took a shine to “the guy with the black guitar.”

Maybe she was nervous or something because she pounded an entire bottle of wine and got completely wasted then when I came down she started screaming at me, telling me I was missing out and she had worn “special underwear” for me. While screaming at me she walked away backwards and fell face first down an entire flight of stairs, knocking herself unconscious. As she fell, her dress went up over her head, and showed everyone in the bar her “special underwear” which was her and my name crudely stitched on a pair of pink panties.

Hot right?

It gets worse.

I called her an ambulance as she was in a state but she was very confused and though our date was still happening. She got out her make up and stated trying to put on, smearing blood and snot all over her face. She was very unsteady and couldn’t concentrate or walk straight but I stayed with her as she tried her best slurry ‘date chat’.

I was helping her walk to the ambulance when she half fainted and fell, The doorman and I managed to catch her before she hit the ground and he picked her up and carried her the rest of the way. She came to long enough to throw up all over herself and the doorman, he slipped on it and managed to SMASH her head off a car hood, knocking her out again and once again showing the special underwear to the gathered crowd.

It gets worse.

She was out for the count and I knew very little about her apart from her name, so they asked me to go with her to the hospital. I agreed and we headed off. When she came to in the ambulance she was extremely confused and thought we had been on the date and it had gone so well we were heading back to my house for sexy fun times. She tried to take her clothes off and kept trying to unbutton my jeans, doing her best sexy face at me with her smashed up face covered in blood and vomit.

Double hot.

Still not done.

When we got to the hospital she couldn’t remember anything so they took her off to treat her. I then sat in the waiting room until I was promptly accosted by 2 policemen. She had woken up, and told the nurse that she thinks I beat her up. So I spent the night in the police station being interviewed about why I beat a woman half to death. I had to eventually get my boss to show the police the cctv of her falling down the stairs, and from outside before they let me go.
All in all… not the best date.

 

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