Is An Unhappy Marriage Better Than Divorce?

Here’s how to decide for yourself.

Marriage, like the love that leads to it, rides many waves of change. And not all are fun. So asking, “Is an unhappy marriage better than divorce?” isn’t a yes-or-no query.

The answer, of course, ultimately lies with you and your spouse. But arriving at the answer shouldn’t be an arbitrary, heat-of-the-moment, feelings-only process.

If you’re at a point in your marriage where you’re contemplating “Is an unhappy marriage better than divorce?” we need to talk.

Ironically, talking — how much, how, when, with what intention — is often what’s missing in marriages on the threshold of divorce. In one way or another, communication is at the root of most problems.

If you research advice regarding staying in or leaving an unhappy marriage, you will get answers across the spectrum. And the black, white and gray of them all will have just as many shades of suggestions and directives.

A person looking for a reason to leave will find one. A person looking for a reason to stay will find one. The availability of advice and justification for any choice is abundant.

And that’s why it’s so important to consider the source of the information, and especially to commit to complete honesty with yourself and your spouse. Ultimately the decision to stay or separate belongs to the two of you. So do the consequences of your choice.

Is an unhappy marriage better than divorce? There will never be a blanket answer to that question. There can, however, be an answer for your marriage — but only if you have an unequivocal grasp on why you are unhappy.

Transitioning through the seasons of love can be confusing, conflicting, even painful. Sure, you may expect that the honeymoon won’t last forever. But how can you possibly know during the fairy-dust stages of falling in love and planning the perfect life that the magic dissipates?

Love grows, evolves, and writes its own story in the context of life. It has growing spurts and growing pains just like children do. And, just like children, sometimes you don’t fully recognize it. Sometimes it bores you to tears, and sometimes you just flat-out don’t like it.

But one thing’s for sure. Just as with children, if you aren’t paying attention to your love as it goes through its changes, you’ll miss it.

You may not even know if what you’re feeling is unhappiness or simply boredom. You’ll just be aware that the elation you felt in the early stages of love and marriage isn’t there anymore.

If you aren’t communicating consistently with yourself and with your spouse, you may misdiagnose your situation. And the last thing you want to do is make a lifetime decision on the basis of misinformation.

Is an unhappy marriage better than divorce? The first step in helping you decide is knowing what an unhappy marriage looks like.

Below are several predictors of an unhappy marriage. Keep in mind that these are not reasons to give up. They are simply symptoms that, depending on number and intensity, can indicate a marriage at-risk.

• Abuse
• Addiction
• Infidelity
• The absence of sex and visible affection
• Lack of genuine engagement
• Leading separate lives
• Drastically different values
• Blaming one another
• Fantasizing about life without your spouse
• Disinterest in your spouse’s company
• Control issues
• Not fighting anymore
• Feeling unheard
• Unmet needs
• Unwillingness to get help or work on the marriage
• Criticism, contempt, defensiveness and/or stonewalling

Research studies support what may be surprising to those who feel unhappy in their marriages and don’t see a path to happiness.

Unhappiness is almost always temporary. And there are normal, predictable places in a marriage where it is more likely to rear its dreary head. Like after the birth of a child, when everything changes.

Surprised? If so, consider further that those who stuck it out reported feeling happy in their marriages five to ten years later. (And no, that doesn’t mean they were “miserable” during the time between — only that they were happy they didn’t give up.)

If you’re feeling unhappy in your marriage and are wondering, “Is an unhappy marriage better than divorce,” consider the list above. Also, consider the gravity of any of the signs as they relate to your marriage.

There are a few situations in which the reasons for unhappiness may warrant a less tolerant decision.

 

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The 6 Biggest Mistakes Women Make When Going on a First Date

And how you can avoid them!

First dates can be pretty scary. What should you wear? Where should the date be? What should you talk about?

Wardrobe woes and awkward silences aside, a first date can also quite literally be a scary experience. Especially in today’s modern dating world, it’s so important that a woman take the necessary measures to protect herself and be alert and aware of any possible dating red flags.

And this is even more crucial when it comes to online dating or meeting a man from a dating app like Tinder, which is a common way for snagging a date these days.

So what are some of the biggest mistakes women tend to make when going on a first date?

While a first date will, of course, never be perfect, here are some of the biggest mistakes that a woman can make, and some dating tips for avoiding them.

1. Leaving yourself defenseless

In this day and age, it’s safety above all else, ladies. This is especially true when you’re meeting a guy from a dating app or online.

We cannot stress this enough – you must always, always be prepared to protect yourself.

Taking a self-defense class is one great thing you can do so that you’re able to rely on and defend yourself in case a situation arises when you’re alone with your date. And besides the incredible safety factor, self-defense classes are also extremely empowering and can give you a great sense of strength.

An easier option is to carry something with you at all times that you can use to protect yourself, such as a personal alarm, like this one from SafeSound (get 50% off.) You won’t need any training to use it, it’ll fit in your purse, and best of all, it will give you peace of mind when you’re meeting up with that random dude from Tinder.

2. Not having anything to talk about

The whole reason you’re even going on a date is to find out more information about this person and decide if you’d like to see them again, right?

So if you’re going to go on a date and sit in silence the whole time, then you may as well have just stayed home and continued your Netflix binge.

Now, we’re not saying that you should sit down and divulge your entire life story, but you must come prepared with conversation topics or there’s really no use going at all.

And while it’s good to know the standard things, such as what he does for a living and what the name of his cat is, it’s also important to dig just a little bit deeper so that you can find out more about the kind of man he is.

3. Talking way too much

Have you ever been to a restaurant and overheard an awkward date? You know the one — the girl (or the guy) won’t stop rambling on, and the other person never gets in a word. They sit there twirling their straw, staring off into space, leaving you to wonder why they don’t just excuse themselves to the bathroom and never come back.

Trust us, you do not want to be this person – especially on a first date.

He doesn’t need to know everything about you, your childhood pet, and about your dear Aunt Judy on the first date. You’ve got to leave a little bit of mystery, you know!

Besides, it’s very important that he does the talking, too. That’s where those conversation topics come into play.

4. Forgetting to share your date details with friends or family

So, you met someone and you’ve arranged a date with them. Exciting, right?

However, this is where so many women make a huge mistake.

Before you even start celebrating, find your contacts. Now pick someone you absolutely trust and tell them where you’re going, when you’re going, and who you’re going on the date with.

It doesn’t matter if it’s your mom, your dad, your best friend, or better yet, all of them. It’s critical that you let someone know that you’re going to be on this date. This is especially true if the person you’re meeting is from the internet.

And hey, do you have friends who are active on the dating scene? Maybe you can be that trustworthy friend for them. Better yet, you can ask them to share their location with you via their phone, or buy them a personal alarm to keep in their purse.

5. Using a cell phone

We don’t know about you, but one of the most uncomfortable, depressing things is seeing two people who are out on a date and they’re both sitting there looking down at their phones.

These days, it’s hard for people to become disconnected from the online world. We feel like we need to be physically attached to our phones 24/7 as if our very lives depend on it.

You know how you’re always complaining to your friends about how you wish you could go back to the good old days and have an old-school type of romance? Well, guess what they didn’t have in those good old days? That’s right! A phone. Yes, you actually had to make eye contact and speak with another person.

Think about it like this: what if it was the other way around and the person you were on a date with took out his phone and started ignoring you? Would you consider going out with him again? We didn’t think so.

Put down the phone. Your followers can wait.

6. Not meeting in a public place

A first date should always, always be in a public place.

Don’t ever meet someone in a setting where you are alone with them.

Always pick somewhere that you know will be a place with a lot of people.

However, you should still always be prepared and look out for yourself by taking all of the other necessary safety precautions as mentioned, carrying something with you for protection, and informing your friends and family where you are.

Dating can cause a lot of mixed emotions. And it’s completely normal to feel all of these things at the prospect of a first date!

It’s important to have fun with dating, but it’s even more important to look out for yourself and protect yourself when venturing out into the modern dating world.

 

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The Custom of Kissing Under the Mistletoe

The custom of kissing under the mistletoe could possibly be related to a Scandinavian goddess.  Frigga, the goddess of love, marriage, and destiny in Norse mythology, is strongly associated with mistletoe, which has been used as a decoration in homes for thousands of years.

According to Scandinavian legend, the god Balder the Beautiful was killed by a spear of mistletoe and his grieving mother Frigg, who banished the plant to the top of trees.  When Balder came back to life, Frigg made mistletoe a symbol of love.

In Brittany, France, the plant is known as Herbe de la Croix because it is thought that Christ’s cross was made of mistletoe wood.

Mistletoe is associated with many pagan rituals. In fact, the Christian church disliked the plant so much, thanks to its pagan associations, that it forbade its use in any form.  Some English churches continued this ban as late as the 20th century. Druids believed mistletoe growing on oak trees was the most sacred form of the plant and that it offered protection from all evil, as well as being the source of much magic.

The early Christian church banned this use of mistletoe because of its association with Druids. The mystery of the mistletoe’s method of reproduction led many people to link the plant with spontaneous generation, fertility and aphrodisiacs. In medieval times, women wishing to conceive would wrap mistletoe around their waists and wrists to increase their fertility.

Holly became a Christian substitute for mistletoe, which is why we ‘deck the halls’ with it. The sharply pointed leaves in holly were supposed to symbolize the thorns in Christ’s crown and the red berries were to symbolize his blood.

 

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