8 Things You Learn When You Date an Alcoholic

No, you really don’t need a drink to deal with the first-date jitters.

recovering alcoholic man and woman on a date

Wanna grab drinks?

It’s the easiest way to ask out someone new. It’s simple to meet at a bar or grab drinks after work, so it’s no wonder that alcohol is often considered an instrumental element to the dating game.

Yet, people who have decided to put alcohol out of their lives for good have to learn how to navigate dating without any liquid courage. Luckily, that’s not a bad thing. Whether you are in recovery or just dating an alcoholic, there are lots of lessons to be learned from sober dating.

  • It’s okay to be nervous.

If you’re a drinker it’s tempting to let alcohol put your mind at ease before a date. However, when that’s no longer an option you realize that it’s totally normal — and endearing — to be nervous for a date. Rather than trying to cover it up, lean into it. After all, having nerves shows that you care, and what could be sexier than that?

  • You don’t need alcohol to connect.

People drink for a variety of reasons — to escape their pain, to be more outgoing, to relax — and top among them is to connect with other people more easily. Yet, the connection that comes when you’re both sporting a buzz isn’t the real deal. The spark that’s shared when you’re sober, however, is legit.

  • Bars aren’t actually great places to get to know someone.

Bars are crowded, noisy and dark. Rather than hunker down with someone new, why not get out and explore together. Stroll through the local farmers market, see a play or visit a museum. You’ll be able to see each other, hear each other, and decide if this is something worth pursuing.

  • You want someone you can be sober and content with.

While many people find sharing a drink with their partner to be relaxing and fun, the reality is that most of your life together is going to be spent stone cold sober. Why not make sure you enjoy each other’s company without the beer goggles or liquid courage right from the start?

  • Sometimes, you want someone like you.

Although people in recovery can date people without a history of substance abuse, sometimes it’s nice to connect with other recovering alcoholics. If you’re dating someone who is also in recovery you don’t have to explain your sobriety or your commitment to your recovery program, and that can be very refreshing.

  • You have to do work, too.

If you’re not in recovery yourself, but are dating an alcoholic, it’s important that you be willing to put in some work. Educating yourself about addiction and recovery, and learning the dos and don’ts of dating someone with substance use disorder can help set your relationship up for success.

  • You have to own what’s important to you.

With drinking so prevalent in dating culture, people who are in recovery often have to proclaim their sobriety early on. While that might have been off-putting in the past, today there is nothing more appealing than a person who knows their challenges, owns them, and takes the time to do the personal work. Just don’t try to book a date during their meeting time.

  • Dating sober actually isn’t a big deal.

When you first set out to date sober, it can be super intimidating. But then you realize that it’s not actually that strange. In fact, these days more people than ever are avoiding alcohol and going on dates without chemical assistance, whether they have a history of substance use disorder or are just focusing on living a healthier lifestyle. That means if you’re trying to date sober, you have a bigger pool than ever to choose from.

Dating For Alcoholics is a website that connects people who are dating without alcohol.

 

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Thousands of Japanese women join campaign to ban workplace high heel requirements

More than 19,000 people in Japan have signed a petition to ban office dress codes which force women to wear high heels to work.

Tokyo artist, writer and feminist Yumi Ishikawa launched the petition after her tweets about being forced to wear heels at work gained over 67,000 likes and almost 30,000 retweets.

“I’m hoping to get rid of the custom that someday women have to wear heels and pumps at work,” she wrote on the social network.

For years, many companies in Japan have required women to wear high heels to the office.

In her tweets, Ishikawa coined the hashtag #KuToo, which is both a play on two Japanese words — “kutsu,” meaning shoes, and “kutsuu,” meaning pain — and a pun on the #MeToo hashtag, which represents an international movement against sexual harassment.

#KuToo has since been used by women to talk about their experiences on social media.

The Japan High Heel Association managing director “Madame” Yumiko gives a lesson on high heels in Tokyo. Credit: TOSHIFUMI KITAMURA/AFP/AFP/Getty Images

An official at Japan’s Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare’s equal employment opportunity division said it had no plans to change the rules around whether employers could require staff to wear certain clothes or shoes. There are currently no laws that restrict companies from regulating employees’ work wear.

The official noted that men were also subject to rules, as they were often required to wear ties and leather shoes. “If common sense or ideas about manners in society change, the rules might be subject to change,” said the official.

The #KuToo movement in Japan follows a similar campaign in the UK in 2016, where more than 100,000 people signed a petition calling for a ban on company dress codes which force women to wear heels at work.

In recent years, campaigns such as #MeToo have brought Japan’s gender inequality problems into the spotlight. Japan is ranked at 110 out of 149 countries in the World Economic Forum’s index measuring the degree of gender equality.

The country ranks bottom among the G7 countries for gender equality, despite Prime Minister Shinzo Abe’s pledge to empower working women through a policy called “womenomics.”

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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The Best Compliments for Girls: 20 Genuine Lines She’ll Love to Hear

These are the 20 best compliments for girls that every girl would love to hear. Just remember, when you compliment her to be sincere and respectful.

Nowadays, the best compliments for girls means more than telling her that you think she is pretty. And in case you didn’t know, it has never been catcalling, unwanted touching, or calling her honey or sweetheart.

Truly complimenting a girl means knowing her and knowing what matters to her. Sure she likes to hear that you think her top looks nice, or that red is her color, but a real and genuine compliment is more than that.

Discovering the best compliments for girls

Not just any compliment will be right for all girls. All girls are amazing and strong badasses. In order to compliment a girl the right way, you should know a bit about her.

Compliment her on her skills, talents, strength, voice. There are compliments you can give a girl you barely know for sure, but the more you know about her the more those compliments will mean. 

The worst compliments for girls

Yes, yes, we will get to the best compliments for girls. First, I wanted to just throw out some of the worst compliments. These may seem like a good idea, but when you actually break them down, they are far from compliments.

So, please avoid these “compliments,” if you can even really call them that.

#1 The extra compliment. Sure, everyone loves a compliment. Do not overdo it. This just comes across as desperate. If you see a girl at the bar and want to compliment her, say something like, “you are just so stunning I had to come over and introduce myself.” But end it there.

If you start talking and she says she is an entrepreneur, you can compliment her on her dedication. Do not tell her she is beautiful and then tell her she looks great in black, has amazing hair, and perfect eyes. Take it easy. 

#2 The inappropriate compliment. “I’m not usually into blondes.” Just no. Saying you are not usually into tall girls, brunettes, or God forbid you to mention her race in your “compliment” is a compliment no-go.

You might think you are making her feel like she stands out. Really you are just being an awful human being.

#3 The backhanded compliment. “You’re pretty for being so tall.” “All that makeup is hiding how pretty you are.” If your compliment has a but in it, it is not a compliment. 

#4 The sexist compliment. “You’re so different from other girls.” What the f*ck is wrong with other girls? “You’re funny for a pretty girl.” What does that even mean? Speaking to a girl as if she hates other women, how you clearly do is just not okay. 

#5 The uninformed compliment. This is one that creeps me out personally. Sure, if a guy comes up to me and says I’m pretty, that is all fine and well. If a guy on a dating app says he loves my second photo, wonderful.

But if a guy reads my dating profile and looks at my five pictures and then continues to tell me how fun I am, how sweet I am, and how we would be great together, I question not only how genuine *fake* he is, but also what are his motives? Do not compliment a girl on something you don’t know anything about.

The best compliments for girls

Now that you know some of the non-compliment compliments to stay away from, here are some golden compliments. These are the best compliments for girls that are likely to get you into a decent conversation and at the very least, a smile.

#1 You make me laugh/smile. This is a simple one for sure, but it works. Telling a girl that she makes you smile is sweet and sincere. It is not over the top or cheesy. 

#2 I always have such a great time with you. Again, this may not be the most unique compliment for girls but it is one of the best. Knowing that someone genuinely enjoys spending time with me means so much more than hearing that I am pretty.

#3 I would love to see you again. Whether you just met or are on a first date, letting her know you are excited to see her again is a compliment. Maybe not in a direct way, but hearing that will make her feel not just relieved, but excited as well.

#4 That is so impressive. When she tells you what she does for a living, what her hobby is, or really anything about herself, letting her know you are impressed by her accomplishments is refreshing to hear. Even at this age, men seem to be intimidated by women. Letting her know how awesome you think she is, is so great to hear.

#5 You inspire me. Whether it is her humanitarian work, her love for animals, or patience for dealing with the lazy guy at work, let her know how what she does makes you feel like you can do more.

#6 I love your style. Why is this better than saying “you look great?” It is more about her than how she looks. Loving that she can put an outfit together that reflects who she is, is what impresses you, not that it shows off her cleavage. 

#7 You are always teaching me something new. With mansplaining still on the rise, telling a woman and even thanking her for teaching you something you didn’t know before is refreshing. Even admitting that she knows something you don’t is a compliment of sorts.

#8 Your hair looks great. Noticing a change is not just a shallow compliment. Noticing that she changed her hair or got eyelash extensions doesn’t mean you are only drawn into her looks, but that you take the time to pay attention to everything about her.

#9 You’re easy to talk to. I love hearing this. Even after talking to someone new for all of 15 minutes, hearing that someone thinks I am easy to open up to says a lot more than a basic compliment. It tells me that I am comforting and trustworthy and that that is seen pretty quickly.

#10 Thank you. Appreciate her. Tell her that you appreciate her. Whether you are thanking her for fixing your collar or going with you to a work dinner, make sure she knows that you do not expect anything of her, but that you would and will do the same for her. 

#11 You have the best laugh. I swear everyone is self-conscious of their laugh. It seems to be a universal thing. Even the most confident people are embarrassed by their own laugh. Telling her that you love hers and find it endearing will make her more comfortable around you.

#12 You have such great taste. Again instead of saying I love that meal or design or top, telling her, she has great taste compliments more than one specific thing or moment. It is you telling her that you have confidence in her opinion.

#13 What’s your opinion on…? How is asking for her opinion a compliment? It is a compliment and one of the best! It shows you care what she thinks. She sees her voice matters to you and you take her opinion into account on everything, like which shirt to wear or if you should accept a new job.

#14 You make me a better person. Everyone wants to be with someone who not only accepts them for who they are but also inspires them to be the best version of themselves. Telling her that she makes you want to be better is telling her that you look up to her in a way. You want to be worthy of her love. 

#15 I feel like I can be myself with you. Knowing that you feel comfortable around her will really matter to her. It will also let her be herself around you. We all hold back a little, especially at first, but when you feel safe with someone all your quirks come out and it makes a stronger connection.

#16 I trust you. This may not sound like a compliment. But earning someone’s trust is a very big deal. When you trust her with your heart, a key to your apartment, or to make dinner for you, all of those things matter. Hearing it will make her very happy.

#17 I can’t believe you remembered that. I am sure you are continuously amazed by the thoughtful things she does. Whether she brought you your favorite cupcake for your birthday or planned a surprise trip to your favorite place.

But showing your gratitude and awe at how she remembers even the things you say in passing will make her feel like everything she does is noticed by you.

#18 You are so strong. For years, girls have been told we are delicate like flowers, and sweet like sugar, well, blah blah blah. Women are strong. Not only do we run businesses, plan marches, and birth children, but we do it all without equal pay, with sexism, and periods.

Tell her how strong she is. She may not even realize it today. She constantly does so much that you can’t even fathom. Remind her of her strength. How proud you are of her and how proud she should be of herself.

#19 You are so open-minded. I don’t know about you, but even though I consider myself open-minded I am always worried I am judging people unfairly. But, if someone that knows me well tells me I am not judgmental but am open-minded and fair, I can reassure myself of that.

Don’t only make her feel good about how you see her. Make her feel good about how she sees herself. 

#20 I love your confidence. One mistake a lot of people make when giving a girl a compliment is making it about them instead of about her. It does not always have to be about what you think, but of what and how she thinks. A lot of compliments are built in a way that tells a woman she shouldn’t know how amazing she is until a man tells her.

Instead, tell her she deserves to believe in herself and you love that she is confident.

The best compliments for girls are the ones that flatter who she truly is and what you. genuinely know about her. Dig deep and flatter her outside and in.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

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