If A Guy Who Ghosted Texts You Again, Here’s How To Handle It

Ghosting is the worst. Whether you’re the person getting ghosted or the person who’s actually doing the ghosting, ending a relationship by abruptly cutting off all communication is never a good thing. But what if that relationship doesn’t really end when they leave your last message on read? In some situations, you may find that someone who ghosted you texts you again and wants to try to come back into your life.

If you find yourself in this situation, your initial reaction to seeing that gray text bubble might be to just ignore the message and move on with your life. If that’s how you feel, that’s completely fine to do — you shouldn’t feel like you owe that person anything. But it’s not always that easy. If you get a surprise text from someone who ghosted you and you’re still interested in exploring a potential relationship with them, it’s OK to give the text consideration. That is, if you think it deserves it. Being ghosted may feel awful, but it’s completely up to you whether to give someone who ghosted you another chance.

So, here’s how to best handle it when someone who ghosted you shows up again in your texts.

1. Take Time To Read The Message

Young woman looking at phone at a text from someone who ghosted her

Shutterstock

Before you do anything, read the message carefully. Then, read it again. Marriage therapist Nicole Richardson says she’s seen people who don’t even read the text from someone who ghosted them and get the wrong idea. This means they “read more into it than is actually there,” says Richardson. The person who ghosted you may just be bored or need something from you, and you might misinterpret that and be back to planning your wedding.

Stef Safran, a Chicago-based matchmaker, agrees and says it’s important to really take your time assessing that first communication. “See how they start communicating with you,” Safran says. “If it’s just a quick text to say ‘Hi,’ allow them to make more of an effort.”

When you receive a text from someone who previously ghosted you, give it all the time you need to make sure you’re reading it correctly and that they’re making an appropriate amount of effort. They’ve ghosted you once already, so they aren’t starting with a baseline level of your trust — they need to earn it.

2. Think About How You Feel

Once you’ve had a moment to digest the initial text, the next thing to do is to take a minute (or several) to figure out how you really feel. If the text contains an apology, that’s great, says Richards. But it’s not likely, and you might feel that a casual text saying “Hey” isn’t enough reason to give them another shot.

Safran says to think about it like a friendship: If a friend ghosted you and then reappeared out of thin air, you’d expect something bigger than just a “Hi” or “Hello.” So you should use the time between getting the text and responding to weigh out your own feelings. “Maybe this wasn’t someone you were that into, so it’s not a big deal,” Safran says. “If this is someone you don’t mind hanging out [with] here or there, then maybe you won’t be that upset if [they] disappear again.”

3. Make Sure They Acknowledge Their Actions

Woman reading text from person who ghosted her

Kilito Chan/Moment/Getty Images

If you’ve decided to communicate with the person who ghosted you, you should also hold them accountable for their behavior. “Ask why [they] ghosted you,” says Anita A. Chlipala, licensed marriage and family therapist and author of First Comes Us: The Busy Couple’s Guide to Lasting Love. “There’s a high probability [they’re] going to do it again unless [they] can demonstrate change.” According to Chlipala, if they claim they ghosted you to save your feelings, then they need to understand that ghosting might have been really painful for you. Now that they’re back in your life, they need to be clear about communicating better in the future.

April Masini, a New York-based relationship expert, also says that figuring out why they ghosted is important — it may not always be the worst-case scenario. “If [someone] ghosts you because this is [their] normal behavior, move on. It’s cowardly and rude. But… if [they] ghosted you because there was a miscommunication and [they] did contact you but the email or text didn’t go through, or it’s in your spam folder, give [them] another chance.”

“The reason for the behavior is often just as important as the behavior itself, so if [they] come back and you’re still interested, get a little intel,” she continues. Either way, if they did actually ghost you, make sure they understand how it made you feel.

4. Consider If It’s Worth The Risk Of Being Ghosted Again

Even if you’re back to texting (or maybe you’ve graduated to hanging out again), there are still some big questions hanging over a potential relationship with this person, like: Will they ghost you again? Is starting something up again worth the risk?

Chlipala says it’s probably not. “Ask yourself if you really want someone in your life who chooses to ghost rather than clearly communicate about what’s going on. It won’t get any better just because you’re dating or in a relationship. If you’ve been ghosted, the person did you a favor by getting out of your life, so don’t let [them] back in,” she says.

If the person is someone you know wasn’t going to be great for you long-term, it may not be a good idea to waste any more time on a relationship with them.

5. Tread Carefully If You Decide To Move Forward

If you decide you want to try a new relationship with this person again, be very, very careful with how you move forward. Chlipala says, “Set your expectations really, really low. Don’t get your hopes up that [they’re] into you or want to date you. [They] could be bored, know you’re available, and just want to have some temporary fun.” And if you do give it a go, Chlipala says, don’t stop dating other people. It’ll help you maintain some distance, so long as you’re both on the same page about not exclusively dating each other.

Richardson says it’s not a bad idea to keep your guard up. “Be aware that [they’re] still likely to let you down. [They’ve] shown you already that [they’re] capable of leaving you hanging, so do not assume [they’re] sorry and/or that [they] will not do it again.”

Even if everything seems to be going well, Masini says to hold back just a bit. “Don’t spill your heart, sleep with [them] again, or bring [them] to your sister’s wedding … You want to behave according to what you know, and if this is someone who’s hurt your feelings in the past, be smart this time around.”

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Listen to Phicklephilly LIVE on Spotify!

Facebook: phicklephilly       Instagram: @phicklephilly       Twitter: @phicklephilly

Whether you’re single or married, these are 11 facts about flirting that everyone should know

People flirt for six different reasons.

flirting whispering secret couple date

Bobex-73/Shutterstock.com

In a 2004 review of the literature on flirting, Northern Illinois University professor David Dryden Henningsen identified six different motivations for the behavior:

• Sex: trying to get in bed
• Fun: treating it like a sport
• Exploring: trying to see what it would be like to be in a relationship
• Relational: trying to increase the intimacy of a relationship
• Esteem: increasing one’s own self esteem
• Instrumental: trying to get something from the other person

In that study, Henningsen asked 101 female and 99 male students to write out a hypothetical flirty conversation between a man and a woman, then identify the motivations for the things they said.

The behaviors broke down along gender norms: Men were significantly more likely to have a sexual motivation, while women tended to have a relational one.

Couples need to flirt, too.

happy couple

Getty Images

Like Tinder, cats, and dying alone, flirting is usually associated with single people.

But couples need to know how to flirt, too.

After studying 164 married people for a 2012 study, University of Kentucky researcher Brandi Frisby noted that most of them flirted — by playing “footsies” or whispering in their partner’s ear, for example — as a means of maintaining and emphasizing intimacy. Oftentimes, she wrote in her paper, married couples flirted to “create a private world with the spouse.”

People feel connected when they get past the small talk.

couple talking on steps

PH888/Shutterstock

You probably already know that asking questions of the person you fancy is a good idea.

But it’s all about the kind of questions you ask.

According to a widely cited 1997 study by State University of New York psychologist Arthur Aron, people feel more closely bonded when they ask each other intimate questions, as in “What roles do love and affection play in your life?” and “What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?” 

Six months later, two of the participants (a tiny fraction of the original study group) even found themselves in love — an intriguing result, though not a significant one.

Men overestimate how interested women are.

facepalm

jazbeck / Getty

Evidence from multiple studies supports the idea that, among heterosexual people, men tend to over perceive sexual interest from women, while women tend to under perceive sexual interest from men.

2014 study published in the journal Evolutionary Psychology surveyed hundreds of undergraduate students from Norway, which according to the UN is one of the world’s most “gender egalitarian nations.”

Researchers found more women had been subject to instances where men overperceive sexual interest from them than men. Young, single, and sexuality-fluid participants also experienced being over-sexualized more often.

 

The most attractive characteristics depend on gender.

jay beyonce

Win McNamee / Getty

According to a 2011 study led by University of British Columbia psychologist Jessica Tracy, heterosexual men and women diverge greatly in the facial expressions they fancy.

After showing 1,041 people images of different facial expressions, Tracy found that:

• Happiness was the most attractive female expression, but one of the least attractive for men.
• Pride was the most attractive male expression, but one of the least attractive for women.
• Interestingly, an expression of shame was relatively attractive on both men and women.

Flirting can enhance your attraction.

University of New Mexico evolutionary psychologist Steven W. Gangestad told Psychology Today in 2016 that flirting is a “negotiation process” that happens after the first moments of attraction.

It’s a subtle sort of testing the waters. You don’t just say “I’m attracted to you; are you attracted to me?”

“It works much better to reveal [your attraction] and have it revealed to you in smaller doses,” Gangestad says. “The flirting then becomes something that enhances the attraction.”

It’s not about being the most attractive person in the room.

Aishwarya Rai

Reuters

It’s about signaling that you’re available.

According to research from Webster University psychologist Monica Moore (who studied people’s flirting behavior at singles bars, shopping malls, and other places where young people meet), women who smiled and made eye contact with others were more likely to be approached than those who were simply good looking.

There may be five main styles of flirting.

When it comes to flirting, everyone’s got a different M.O.

In 2010, Jeffrey A. Hall and Chong Xing published research that suggests there are five different styles of flirting. In 2015, they followed up on this research by breaking down each style into a series of verbal and nonverbal behaviors.

Here are some key behaviors of each type, as described by Susan Krauss Whitbourne on Psychology Today:

• Physical flirts tend to subtly touch the person they’re interested in.
• Traditional flirts believe men should make the first move.
• Sincere flirts get other people to open up to them.
• Playful flirts see the interaction as a game and may be using the flirtation as a means to another end.

You can take a quiz, developed by Hall to figure out which style best describes you.

The best flirters shift their strategy depending on context.

If you’re flirting with someone perceived as higher status than you, being more subtle will lead to more success, according to research.

2014 study conducted by University of Pennsylvania professors found flirters who can adjust how overtly they flirt will have the best success. “Presence of rivals, the potential for an advance to be considered inappropriate, or the higher social status of the receiver” are all situations where you’re better off being more subtle.

If successful, flirting can lead others to think you are also funny or creative, as well as attractive.

If you’re flirting on an app, there are some words that work better than others.

Compliments over text go a long way, dating website Plenty of Fish finds.

The website analyzed 60,000 messages on dating apps to find the words that got the best responses. For men, calling a woman “beautiful” led to a conversation 20% of the time. Women messaging men first receive responses less often, but using the word “nice” works best.

Flirting could be all about biology.

couple bed sex unhappy

Vasiliy Koval / Shutterstock

Flirting may have less to do with words or body language, and more to do with biology.

Scientists have long speculated on how pheromones, or chemicals released by your body that have an impact on people around you, contribute to physical attraction. A 2011 study out of Florida State University found men who were exposed to pheromones released by ovulating women were more likely to drink alcohol and flirt with women.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Listen to phicklephilly LIVE on Spotify!

Facebook: phicklephilly       Instagram: @phicklephilly       Twitter: @phicklephilly

Whether You’re Single Or Married, These Are 11 Facts About Flirting That Everyone Should Know

People flirt for six different reasons.

flirting whispering secret couple date

Bobex-73/Shutterstock.com

In a 2004 review of the literature on flirting, Northern Illinois University professor David Dryden Henningsen identified six different motivations for the behavior:

• Sex: trying to get in bed
• Fun: treating it like a sport
• Exploring: trying to see what it would be like to be in a relationship
• Relational: trying to increase the intimacy of a relationship
• Esteem: increasing one’s own self esteem
• Instrumental: trying to get something from the other person

In that study, Henningsen asked 101 female and 99 male students to write out a hypothetical flirty conversation between a man and a woman, then identify the motivations for the things they said.

The behaviors broke down along gender norms: Men were significantly more likely to have a sexual motivation, while women tended to have a relational one.

Couples need to flirt, too.

happy couple

Getty Images

Like Tinder, cats, and dying alone, flirting is usually associated with single people.

But couples need to know how to flirt, too.

After studying 164 married people for a 2012 study, University of Kentucky researcher Brandi Frisby noted that most of them flirted — by playing “footsies” or whispering in their partner’s ear, for example — as a means of maintaining and emphasizing intimacy. Oftentimes, she wrote in her paper, married couples flirted to “create a private world with the spouse.”

People feel connected when they get past the small talk.

couple talking on steps

PH888/Shutterstock

You probably already know that asking questions of the person you fancy is a good idea.

But it’s all about the kind of questions you ask.

According to a widely cited 1997 study by State University of New York psychologist Arthur Aron, people feel more closely bonded when they ask each other intimate questions, as in “What roles do love and affection play in your life?” and “What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?” 

Six months later, two of the participants (a tiny fraction of the original study group) even found themselves in love — an intriguing result, though not a significant one.

Men overestimate how interested women are.

facepalm

jazbeck / Getty

Evidence from multiple studies supports the idea that, among heterosexual people, men tend to over perceive sexual interest from women, while women tend to under perceive sexual interest from men.

A 2014 study published in the journal Evolutionary Psychology surveyed hundreds of undergraduate students from Norway, which according to the UN is one of the world’s most “gender egalitarian nations.”

Researchers found more women had been subject to instances where men over-perceive sexual interest from them than men. Young, single, and sexuality-fluid participants also experienced being over-sexualized more often.

The most attractive characteristics depend on gender.

jay beyonce

Win McNamee / Getty

According to a 2011 study led by University of British Columbia psychologist Jessica Tracy, heterosexual men and women diverge greatly in the facial expressions they fancy.

After showing 1,041 people images of different facial expressions, Tracy found that:

• Happiness was the most attractive female expression, but one of the least attractive for men.
• Pride was the most attractive male expression, but one of the least attractive for women.
• Interestingly, an expression of shame was relatively attractive on both men and women.

Flirting can enhance your attraction.

University of New Mexico evolutionary psychologist Steven W. Gangestad told Psychology Today in 2016 that flirting is a “negotiation process” that happens after the first moments of attraction.

It’s a subtle sort of testing the waters. You don’t just say “I’m attracted to you; are you attracted to me?”

“It works much better to reveal [your attraction] and have it revealed to you in smaller doses,” Gangestad says. “The flirting then becomes something that enhances the attraction.”

It’s not about being the most attractive person in the room.

Aishwarya Rai

Reuters

It’s about signaling that you’re available.

According to research from Webster University psychologist Monica Moore (who studied people’s flirting behavior at singles bars, shopping malls, and other places where young people meet), women who smiled and made eye contact with others were more likely to be approached than those who were simply good looking.

There may be five main styles of flirting.

When it comes to flirting, everyone’s got a different M.O.

In 2010, Jeffrey A. Hall and Chong Xing published research that suggests there are five different styles of flirting. In 2015, they followed up on this research by breaking down each style into a series of verbal and nonverbal behaviors.

Here are some key behaviors of each type, as described by Susan Krauss Whitbourne on Psychology Today:

• Physical flirts tend to subtly touch the person they’re interested in.
• Traditional flirts believe men should make the first move.
• Sincere flirts get other people to open up to them.
• Playful flirts see the interaction as a game and may be using the flirtation as a means to another end.

You can take a quiz, developed by Hall to figure out which style best describes you.

The best flirters shift their strategy depending on context.

If you’re flirting with someone perceived as higher status than you, being more subtle will lead to more success, according to research.

A 2014 study conducted by University of Pennsylvania professors found flirters who can adjust how overtly they flirt will have the best success. “Presence of rivals, the potential for an advance to be considered inappropriate, or the higher social status of the receiver” are all situations where you’re better off being more subtle.

If successful, flirting can lead others to think you are also funny or creative, as well as attractive.

If you’re flirting on an app, there are some words that work better than others.

Compliments over text go a long way, dating website Plenty of Fish finds.

The website analyzed 60,000 messages on dating apps to find the words that got the best responses. For men, calling a woman “beautiful” led to a conversation 20% of the time. Women messaging men first receive responses less often, but using the word “nice” works best.

Flirting could be all about biology.

couple bed sex unhappy

Vasiliy Koval / Shutterstock

Flirting may have less to do with words or body language, and more to do with biology.

Scientists have long speculated on how pheromones, or chemicals released by your body that have an impact on people around you, contribute to physical attraction. A 2011 study out of Florida State University found men who were exposed to pheromones released by ovulating women were more likely to drink alcohol and flirt with women.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new book, Angel with a Broken Wing is now for sale on Amazon!

 

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly

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