Should Your Boyfriend Talk To You Every Day? Here’s How Often Healthy Couples Communicate

Communication in a relationship is very important. I know. You’re shocked right? What a revelation! Oh, what? You’re not shocked? You’ve heard this a million times? Yeah, well, that doesn’t make it any less true. Communication is one of the most essential ways we connect, and it’s how you keep a healthy relationship, well… healthy. But what exactly does the “right” amount of communication look like? Like, should your boyfriend talk to you every day? Or is a few times a week good enough?

To make things even more complicated, you basically have a boyfriend communication device on you at all times, so it’s easy to just whip out your phone and blow them up. And on the flip side, it’s just as easy to spiral into a panic when you don’t hear from them as often as you would like. I mean, they have a phone, don’t they? It’s been 15 minutes! Why haven’t they replied? They obviously hate you, or are dead, or have pulled an Edward Snowden and defected to Russia. Or just maybe their ringer is off. Anyway…

With this kind of constant access, it’s hard to know what’s considered too little or too much, so we turned to the experts to get some advice on how to recognize what constitutes healthy amounts of communication, and how to fix it when it’s getting out of control.

Should you be talking to your partner every day?

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There’s no “right” answer to this question, because there are a lot of factors at play. According to relationship and etiquette expert April Masini, there are three things to consider: The age of the relationship, the comfort of the people in the relationship, and what’s actually happening in your lives at the moment.

“If you’re dating someone and it’s a new relationship, you may be communicating multiple times a day because romance is strong and you’re both chatty, or you may be communicating a few times a week because you’re both playing the field and there’s no real commitment yet,” Masini says. So, take stock of where you’re at in your relationship, and if the amount of communication seems to make sense in that scenario.

You can also pay attention to your communication patterns. Depending on how busy your lives are, you may only have time to chat once or twice a day. Maybe what seems odd on paper actually makes perfect sense in practice. It’s your version of normal.

How do you know if your communication frequency is healthy?

But how do you know if your version of normal is healthy? According to best-selling author and relationship expert Susan Winter, the way to know if your communication is healthy, is if it’s actually working. Are you in sync with your partner, or do you find yourself frequently misunderstanding one another? “Are you and your partner are on the same page as far as values, goals, and day-to-day conflict resolution?” Winter asks. If the answer to any of those questions is no, then you need to work on your communication styles and frequency.

You should also consider your general happiness in the relationship. Masini warns that if communication begins interfering with your ability to conduct your day, that’s a sign that things are seriously amiss. Communication shouldn’t be making it difficult to concentrate at work, or keep you awake at night. If either of those things begins to happen, it’s time to set some boundaries — stat!

Do you need to worry about talking to each other too much?

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Not really. Some people just prefer to communicate more than others. The only time this is a problem is if it’s actually interfering with your ability to work, sleep, or live your life normally. Or, if your partner doesn’t have the time or desire to speak as frequently. Don’t take it personally. Different strokes, for different folks.

If it’s not healthy, how do you fix it?

So, you’ve discovered all is not well in Communications-ville. That’s OK, you still have options. According to Masini, the key is to “approach the issue as a relationship problem where you both make adjustments. Then, you try different things, depending on what the problem is and who you both are.” It’s all about finding a balance by adjusting the amount of communication and discussing which topics are off-limits, depending on the form of communication (i.e., over text message or face-to-face). Chances are, with a bit of tweaking, you can find a happy medium.

There are lots of things to try, but if you just don’t seem to be finding that right balance, rather than giving up, call in for reinforcements by seeking some professional help, Winter suggests. “It’s well worth the time and money to learn to preserve the love you’ve created.”

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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If The Person You’re Dating Doesn’t Want A Relationship Right Now, Should You Move On? Here’s What To Do

So, you’ve started seeing someone new. You’re into it. You’re looking to lock this thing down. They… are not. Everyone has their own dating timeline, and even if someone likes spending time with you, they may not be ready for labels just yet. I once dated a guy who was OK posting pics of us together on his Insta Story, but not on his actual Instagram, because that was “too real.” Did I wait around for him to change his mind? You betcha. But if it’s pretty clear that the person you’re dating doesn’t want a relationship, should you wait? In my experience, probably not.

It’s easy to think, “If I wait long enough, this person will eventually see how cool and fun I am and won’t be able to imagine dating anyone else.” Unfortunately, a person who doesn’t want to commit right now may not ever be willing to commit — at least not to you. (Sorry, but — as the great Lizzo once said — truth hurts.) How can you tell the different between a person who doesn’t want a relationship now and a person who simply doesn’t want you? Here’s how to get to the truth, and then eventually get over it.

Figure Out Whether They Can’t Commit Now Or Can’t Commit Ever

Passionate romantic couple in sweaters are spending time together before New Year at home. Tender couple hugging on the background of shiny garland.

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There are plenty of reasons why a person may not want to be a relationship for the moment. They could have just had a bad breakup and need to spend some time casually dating. They could have trust issues. They could be overwhelmed with work or school or family drama and simply can’t take on another responsibility right now.

If the person you’re dating says they can’t begin a relationship now but may be able to begin a relationship down the road, they could be worth waiting for. But if the person you’re seeing gives you the impression that they won’t be ready to DTR anytime soon, or maybe ever, I wouldn’t hold your breath.

“Listen to their language to determine if they ever will commit,” Anita Chlipala, dating and relationships expert, previously told Elite Daily. “If they say things like, ‘Looking for the X factor,’ or, ‘I know there’s a right person out there,’ or, ‘I am looking for a unicorn,’ or, ‘I’ll know it when I feel it,’ they might be emotionally unavailable.” If someone suggests that you’re not the one, it may be time to cut that one loose.

Find Out Whether They’re Willing To Set A Timeline Together

Just because you feel the right time to DTR is after six dates doesn’t mean that person you’re seeing is on the same page. It’s as unfair to rush someone into a relationship as it is to keep someone wondering whether you’ll ever commit. Conversation is key to determining what both your needs are, and you can’t know what the person you’re dating wants (or doesn’t want) unless you’re totally open and honest with them yourself.

If someone resists the relationship conversation, try explaining to them why you desire commitment. Once your needs are made clear, they might be more willing to explain their hesitation and perhaps even set a time to revisit the conversation.

“People have different timelines, so your date might not want to commit at the same time that you want to,” Chlipala pointed out, and that’s understandable. But the most important thing is knowing what you want, and if you’re dating a person who refuses to open up or keep an open mind, don’t feel obligated to compromise just to stay with them.

Suggest The Idea Of Seeing Other People

As much as you’d like to, you can’t force an unwilling person into a relationship. That will only create resentment and, eventually, end in disappointment. Perhaps the only thing worse than dating a person who won’t commit is being with a person who half-heartedly agrees to commit and then regrets it.

If the person you’re seeing doesn’t want a relationship, and they can’t see themselves changing their mind anytime soon, it might be time to suggest dating around. A person resistant to commit may just like the idea of seeing other people but, in reality, would rather be exclusive than see you on a date with someone else.

“If they’re dating other people, you should be, too,” said Chlipala. “It can help prevent being hyper-focused on one person and analyzing what they’re doing.” By giving that person space, they may realize what they’ll lose if they refuse to DTR: you. If not, then hopefully you’ll meet someone new who’s deserving of your time and company.

Waiting for a person to commit can be a real risk, especially if the person you’re pursuing is a lost cause. “People who are ‘avoidant-attached’ avoid closeness,” Chlipala explained, “and depending on their level of avoidance, end up jumping from one person to another without a real relationship.” If you want to avoid being breadcrumbed, it’s important to know what kind of chance you actually have changing this person’s mind and — more importantly — when it’s time to give up the chase and move on.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Listen to Phicklephilly LIVE on Spotify!

Facebook: phicklephilly       Instagram: @phicklephilly       Twitter: @phicklephilly

If The Person You’re Dating Doesn’t Want A Relationship Right Now, Should You Move On? Here’s What To Do

So, you’ve started seeing someone new. You’re into it. You’re looking to lock this thing down. They… are not. Everyone has their own dating timeline, and even if someone likes spending time with you, they may not be ready for labels just yet. I once dated a guy who was OK posting pics of us together on his Insta Story, but not on his actual Instagram, because that was “too real.” Did I wait around for him to change his mind? You betcha. But if it’s pretty clear that the person you’re dating doesn’t want a relationship, should you wait? In my experience, probably not.

It’s easy to think, “If I wait long enough, this person will eventually see how cool and fun I am and won’t be able to imagine dating anyone else.” Unfortunately, a person who doesn’t want to commit right now may not ever be willing to commit — at least not to you. (Sorry, but — as the great Lizzo once said — truth hurts.) How can you tell the different between a person who doesn’t want a relationship now and a person who simply doesn’t want you? Here’s how to get to the truth, and then eventually get over it.

Figure Out Whether They Can’t Commit Now Or Can’t Commit Ever

Passionate romantic couple in sweaters are spending time together before New Year at home. Tender couple hugging on the background of shiny garland.

Shutterstock

There are plenty of reasons why a person may not want to be a relationship for the moment. They could have just had a bad breakup and need to spend some time casually dating. They could have trust issues. They could be overwhelmed with work or school or family drama and simply can’t take on another responsibility right now.

If the person you’re dating says they can’t begin a relationship now but may be able to begin a relationship down the road, they could be worth waiting for. But if the person you’re seeing gives you the impression that they won’t be ready to DTR anytime soon, or maybe ever, I wouldn’t hold your breath.

“Listen to their language to determine if they ever will commit,” Anita Chlipala, dating and relationships expert, previously told Elite Daily. “If they say things like, ‘Looking for the X factor,’ or, ‘I know there’s a right person out there,’ or, ‘I am looking for a unicorn,’ or, ‘I’ll know it when I feel it,’ they might be emotionally unavailable.” If someone suggests that you’re not the one, it may be time to cut that one loose.

Find Out Whether They’re Willing To Set A Timeline Together

Just because you feel the right time to DTR is after six dates doesn’t mean that person you’re seeing is on the same page. It’s as unfair to rush someone into a relationship as it is to keep someone wondering whether you’ll ever commit. Conversation is key to determining what both your needs are, and you can’t know what the person you’re dating wants (or doesn’t want) unless you’re totally open and honest with them yourself.

If someone resists the relationship conversation, try explaining to them why you desire commitment. Once your needs are made clear, they might be more willing to explain their hesitation and perhaps even set a time to revisit the conversation.

“People have different timelines, so your date might not want to commit at the same time that you want to,” Chlipala pointed out, and that’s understandable. But the most important thing is knowing what you want, and if you’re dating a person who refuses to open up or keep an open mind, don’t feel obligated to compromise just to stay with them.

Suggest The Idea Of Seeing Other People

As much as you’d like to, you can’t force an unwilling person into a relationship. That will only create resentment and, eventually, end in disappointment. Perhaps the only thing worse than dating a person who won’t commit is being with a person who half-heartedly agrees to commit and then regrets it.

If the person you’re seeing doesn’t want a relationship, and they can’t see themselves changing their mind anytime soon, it might be time to suggest dating around. A person resistant to commit may just like the idea of seeing other people but, in reality, would rather be exclusive than see you on a date with someone else.

“If they’re dating other people, you should be, too,” said Chlipala. “It can help prevent being hyper-focused on one person and analyzing what they’re doing.” By giving that person space, they may realize what they’ll lose if they refuse to DTR: you. If not, then hopefully you’ll meet someone new who’s deserving of your time and company.

Waiting for a person to commit can be a real risk, especially if the person you’re pursuing is a lost cause. “People who are ‘avoidant-attached’ avoid closeness,” Chlipala explained, “and depending on their level of avoidance, end up jumping from one person to another without a real relationship.” If you want to avoid being breadcrumbed, it’s important to know what kind of chance you actually have changing this person’s mind and — more importantly — when it’s time to give up the chase and move on.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new book, Angel with a Broken Wing is now for sale on Amazon!

 

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

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