If Your Partner Never Wants To Cuddle After Sex, Here’s How To Talk About It

Apart from enjoying the warm embrace of someone you’re into, cuddling after sex has its benefits. Mainly, your body releases the feel-good chemical oxytocin, often called “the cuddling hormone.” But no matter how good it feels for some people, cuddling after sex isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. Maybe your partner isn’t into the idea of pressing your hot, sticky, post-orgasm bodies together, and they just need time to cool down. Or perhaps cuddling feels a little too intimate, especially if you two are just friends with benefits. Your sexual partner could also have a completely different aversion to cuddling that you have no idea about.

Whatever the case may be, if you want to cuddle after sex and your partner never does, consider talking to them about it. Maybe you’ll change their mind and find a compromise. Maybe you won’t. But either way, unpacking why they seem to be uninterested in cuddling you after sex can help shed some light on what makes them tick, what your needs are as a duo, and how you can resolve issues in the bedroom together.

Here’s what two sex and dating experts had to say about how to approach the post-coital cuddling conversation with everyone’s needs and well-being in mind.

There May Be Physiological Reasons Your Partner Doesn’t Want To Cuddle

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According to Shan Boodram, a certified sexologist and ambassador for sex toy brand TENGA, there are a number of reasons why someone might not want to cuddle right after sex — one being the “post-coital blues,” Boodram explains. Formally known as post-coital tristesse (PCT) or post-coital dysphoria (PCD), people who experience this condition often withdraw after sex or feel an intense comedown. Dr. Jessica O’Reilly, the resident sex and relationship expert for Astroglide, acknowledges that next to pre-existing sadness or trauma, your partner’s physiological reaction to sex could be why they’re feeling down. “Some folks feel sad after sex because of the hormonal and chemical high followed by such an intense release,” O’Reilly tells Elite Daily. “It can feel as though you’ve just come down from a high.”

Some people may crave physical affection if they’re feeling down after sex, and some people simply may not. “Instead of cuddling they may prefer to do something else to boost their mood like eat, watch something, be alone for a bit, or sleep,” Boodram tells Elite Daily.

Irene Fehr, a sex and intimacy coach, also cites post-orgasm tiredness as a reason why cuddling might not be on the menu for your partner. “Sex that is followed by orgasm — especially a strong, whole-body orgasm — can knock a person out and induce a strong desire to sleep right after the climax,” Fehr tells Elite Daily. “They may not want to cuddle or they may not be up for it physically if their desire to sleep is strong.” She also adds that cuddling might feel uncomfortable for some people because their bodies become hypersensitive after sex.

They Might Also Be Worried About Being Vulnerable With You

Apart from physiological reasons, your partner may be worried about the level of vulnerability cuddling after sex may invite. “The social implications of cuddling are a form of deep intimacy. So, in order to keep their own distance, or to ensure you can keep yours, they opt out of touch outside of the sexual act itself,” Boodram explains. Fehr agrees, saying, “When things slow down and you no longer have to do anything, cuddling after sex is a very tender, vulnerable activity — a time to put down your guard or performance, and face each other in the raw. It is intimate, and it can feel intimidating and scary for many people who might otherwise hide behind sexual performance or an emotional wall.”

Talk It Out In A Safe, Light-Hearted Way

There could be a chance your partner might feel differently about post-coital cuddling if you explain why it’s important to you, but you won’t know until you talk about it.

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When bringing this up to your partner, Fehr suggests you don’t have this conversation during sex or in the bedroom. “Timing this conversation during or after sex puts your partner into a highly vulnerable position to have to answer not only while they’re aroused or relaxed post-coitally, but also when they’re extra open,” she says. “In a way, it’s a manipulative tactic because it traps them.” Apart from not “trapping” your partner into this discussion, you also shouldn’t have what Fehr calls a “fly-by conversation,” meaning, one that takes place while you’re doing something else.

Instead, Fehr says, “Find a time when you both feel relaxed, calm, and present with each other.” Then ask them questions about what they prefer to do after sex and why, or about their boundaries and what would make them feel more comfortable. Ask them about their favorite parts of getting intimate and what defines good sex for them. Hopefully, your partner will ask you these questions back, Boodram says, which will allow you to express your needs, too.

If They Want To Understand Where You’re Coming From, Work Together To Find Solutions

“Brainstorm to find a solution that works for both [partners], if both partners want to […] learn to get over the hurdle. This piece is important,” Fehr says. “Finding solutions only works if both partners want to find a solution.”

One way to approach this problem-solving is to draw from what your partner has told you about why they don’t like cuddling. If their reasons are physical, maybe there’s a way you can make them feel more relaxed and comfortable while cuddling. If the reasons are related to emotions or intimacy, see if there’s a way to make them feel safe or to slow things down. Fehr suggests trying out a short, non-sexual cuddling session as a trial run.

If They’re Not Interested in Problem-Solving, Ask Yourself The Hard Questions

There’s a chance that even after you express your desire to cuddle after sex, your partner still won’t be interested. Even though this can be frustrating, their feelings are valid. “Ultimately, it’s going to be very difficult for the person who needs post-coital cuddling to feel fully satisfied and complete with sex,” Fehr says. So, you will probably have to ask yourself if not cuddling after sex is something you can go without. Likewise, your partner will have to ask themselves if they can fulfill your needs, or if you’re asking too much.

Whatever the outcome of your conversation with your partner, approaching your talk with intimacypatience, and understanding will be helpful. This could be a golden opportunity to reconnect as partners and really improve your sex life. Ad even if cuddling after sex seems like just a “small thing,” remember: Even the “small” things are always worth a conversation.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Listen to Phicklephilly LIVE on Spotify!

Facebook: phicklephilly       Instagram: @phicklephilly       Twitter: @phicklephilly

Dating Is Better During Quarantine, and It Doesn’t Have to Change

Before COVID-19, Vaneet’s dating life was “pretty much non-existent.”

“Asking people out IRL only led to rejection,” the 28-year-old says. “Apps were just a constant stream of being ghosted. It was exhausting, and I practically gave up dating.”

While most of us have been going through unbearable dry spells and deeply missing human touch, Vaneet and other singles have been reveling in the changes coronavirus has brought to the dating scene, including the curtailing of hookup culture for the sake of public health. (Even now, as parts of the country begin to reopen in various phases, we should still proceed with caution when meeting up with strangers.)

“Hookup culture has never been my thing, and while I don’t like one-night-stands, I’ve found it difficult to find anything beyond that,” Vaneet says.

Not anymore. At the beginning of quarantine, Vaneet met someone he liked on Grindr, the popular hookup app for queer men. Men typically use the app to meet up for sex, but now, a lot of guys are using it to chat with each other. Since Vaneet and his partner couldn’t meet up when they started messaging, they’ve had the pleasure of getting to know each other without the pressure of sex on the table—something that almost certainly wouldn’t have happened before COVID-19. Vaneet texts them every day, and they have date nights at least once a week on Zoom. They’ll make a plan to meet up whenever it feels safe; maybe then they’ll have sex, or maybe they’ll keep on getting to know each other.

Since the pandemic began, some people are happy they haven’t had to travel 40 minutes (or more) by train to a bad or mediocre date, and that they’ve saved a bunch of cash instead of spending it on dinner, drinks, and a movie. But the forging of deeper connections with the downfall of hookup culture is one of the biggest reasons people say they’ve appreciated the COVID-19 dating experience.

Before the pandemic, Eden, 28, says she “didn’t like the speed at which dating progressed.” Usually, within minutes of messaging a guy on Hinge, he would ask to meet up.

“I just don’t like that,” she says. “Let me get to know you first.”

Now, she’s been getting to know men better. Their conversations are deeper. She talks about her childhood, her past romantic experiences, and what she’s looking for in a relationship.

These are important topics for potential partners to discuss, and quarantine naturally brings it out of us, according to Shadeen Francis, LMFT.

“Superficial conversations are likely not going to be enough for a ‘quarantine bae,’ as it is hard to build or maintain a long-distance connection without vulnerable communication,” she says. In other words, if you’re not having meaningful conversations with someone, you’re going to get bored or lose interest. And of course, building a relationship from personal and meaningful conversations leads to a personal and meaningful relationship.

Oscar Wong

For Gregory, 29, the universal challenge of the past few months has made it refreshingly easy to be vulnerable with people. For the first time in a long time, it’s socially acceptable to reply to “How are you doing?” with “Well, to be honest, not great.”

“Now that we have all gone through the collective trauma of COVID-19, and the more recent Black Lives Matter movement, we’ve been given the opportunity to really examine our biases, and that has made us more vulnerable and more likely to be done with putting up facades,” Gregory says.

Of course, dates can also be fun, he adds: “You can bond over the shared trauma of COVID-19, or scream about how insane the MollyIssa feud is on Insecure, or somewhere in between.”

This content is imported from {embed-name}. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

It’s unclear whether this slowed down process of getting to know another on a more personal and sincere level will continue when the world officially opens up. While we’re incredibly adaptive for our survival, we’re also creatures of habit, Francis says—which is why she predicts many of us will return to our old patterns of behavior.

“As effective as any coping or survival strategy might have been, if folks do not consider it a long-term lifestyle change they are wanting to invest their energy into, then they will return to their regularly scheduled programming,” she says.

Still, that doesn’t have to be the case for everyone. Vaneet is cautiously optimistic about transitioning into dating post-coronavirus, hoping people will be more willing to give him a chance and get to know him on a deeper level.

“I hope the pandemic has stressed the importance of human interaction,” he says. “Maybe people will be more willing to give others a chance and get to know someone more first. And maybe, just maybe, more people will be willing to shoot their shot and see what happens.”

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new book, Angel with a Broken Wing is now for sale on Amazon!

 

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly

Dating Is Better During Quarantine, and It Doesn’t Have to Change

Before COVID-19, Vaneet’s dating life was “pretty much non-existent.”

“Asking people out IRL only led to rejection,” the 28-year-old says. “Apps were just a constant stream of being ghosted. It was exhausting, and I practically gave up dating.”

While most of us have been going through unbearable dry spells and deeply missing human touch, Vaneet and other singles have been reveling in the changes coronavirus has brought to the dating scene, including the curtailing of hookup culture for the sake of public health. (Even now, as parts of the country begin to reopen in various phases, we should still proceed with caution when meeting up with strangers.)

“Hookup culture has never been my thing, and while I don’t like one-night-stands, I’ve found it difficult to find anything beyond that,” Vaneet says.

Not anymore. At the beginning of quarantine, Vaneet met someone he liked on Grindr, the popular hookup app for queer men. Men typically use the app to meet up for sex, but now, a lot of guys are using it to chat with each other. Since Vaneet and his partner couldn’t meet up when they started messaging, they’ve had the pleasure of getting to know each other without the pressure of sex on the table—something that almost certainly wouldn’t have happened before COVID-19. Vaneet texts them every day, and they have date nights at least once a week on Zoom. They’ll make a plan to meet up whenever it feels safe; maybe then they’ll have sex, or maybe they’ll keep on getting to know each other.

Since the pandemic began, some people are happy they haven’t had to travel 40 minutes (or more) by train to a bad or mediocre date, and that they’ve saved a bunch of cash instead of spending it on dinner, drinks, and a movie. But the forging of deeper connections with the downfall of hookup culture is one of the biggest reasons people say they’ve appreciated the COVID-19 dating experience.

Before the pandemic, Eden, 28, says she “didn’t like the speed at which dating progressed.” Usually, within minutes of messaging a guy on Hinge, he would ask to meet up.

“I just don’t like that,” she says. “Let me get to know you first.”

Now, she’s been getting to know men better. Their conversations are deeper. She talks about her childhood, her past romantic experiences, and what she’s looking for in a relationship.

These are important topics for potential partners to discuss, and quarantine naturally brings it out of us, according to Shadeen Francis, LMFT.

“Superficial conversations are likely not going to be enough for a ‘quarantine bae,’ as it is hard to build or maintain a long-distance connection without vulnerable communication,” she says. In other words, if you’re not having meaningful conversations with someone, you’re going to get bored or lose interest. And of course, building a relationship from personal and meaningful conversations leads to a personal and meaningful relationship.

Oscar Wong

For Gregory, 29, the universal challenge of the past few months has made it refreshingly easy to be vulnerable with people. For the first time in a long time, it’s socially acceptable to reply to “How are you doing?” with “Well, to be honest, not great.”

“Now that we have all gone through the collective trauma of COVID-19, and the more recent Black Lives Matter movement, we’ve been given the opportunity to really examine our biases, and that has made us more vulnerable and more likely to be done with putting up facades,” Gregory says.

Of course, dates can also be fun, he adds: “You can bond over the shared trauma of COVID-19, or scream about how insane the MollyIssa feud is on Insecure, or somewhere in between.”

This content is imported from {embed-name}. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

It’s unclear whether this slowed down process of getting to know another on a more personal and sincere level will continue when the world officially opens up. While we’re incredibly adaptive for our survival, we’re also creatures of habit, Francis says—which is why she predicts many of us will return to our old patterns of behavior.

“As effective as any coping or survival strategy might have been, if folks do not consider it a long-term lifestyle change they are wanting to invest their energy into, then they will return to their regularly scheduled programming,” she says.

Still, that doesn’t have to be the case for everyone. Vaneet is cautiously optimistic about transitioning into dating post-coronavirus, hoping people will be more willing to give him a chance and get to know him on a deeper level.

“I hope the pandemic has stressed the importance of human interaction,” he says. “Maybe people will be more willing to give others a chance and get to know someone more first. And maybe, just maybe, more people will be willing to shoot their shot and see what happens.”

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Buy my new book, Angel with a Broken Wing is now for sale on Amazon!

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly

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