It’s Not Love, It’s Love Bombing

You might not have heard of the term love bombing before, but you may have been the recipient of its markers, at some point, from a romantic partner: extreme amounts of doting affection, shows of public affection, over-the-top gifts and talk of getting serious very quickly. You may find yourself a smitten kitten, uttering the term “love at first sight.” You think it’s too good to be true.

And that’s because it sometimes is.

With love bombing, the clue is in the title. After the love, the bomb drops. The once-romcom-perfect partner becomes controlling and manipulative. Compliments are replaced with belittling insults that tear down your self-esteem. The goal is to keep you—both literally keep you like a possession as well as keep you “in line.”

How to Spot Love Bombing (Clue: Listen to Your Gut)

While this sort of affection can feel flattering to anyone, the difference with love bombing is that your gut may indicate something’s off. Abusers will be quick to declare that this relationship was destined and that they’ve found their soulmate, even as you wrestle with your doubts. They will assure you that this is it. You were meant to be together.

Soon, the abuser becomes possessive to the point of emotional manipulation. If a love bomber notices that their partner is turning his or her focus elsewhere, they’ll begin to call their partner selfish. The love bomber portrays themselves as the victim. Even the simplest of situations can make them snap, like a phone call from a family member in the middle of a date. Why would you turn your attention anywhere else when you have the love of your life in front of you? It may all feel a bit stifling, at best, scary at worst.

However, if after the relationship loses its “newness” and the partner’s possessive habits wain, the grand gestures taper off, the partner doesn’t use verbal insults to put their partner down—in other words, the partner begins to display a more appropriate level of gusto for a new relationship—it’s probably not love bombing. The key to spotting love bombing is that things feel intense all the timeto the point of uncomfortableness and, sometimes, fear. If you’re afraid of what will happen if you ask to slow down, or afraid what they might do if you end things, this isn’t a good sign.

But …. Why Me?

Love bombers are abusers and abusers target people who are vulnerable. Not “weak” or “blind” (as survivors tend to berate themselves as being), but rather open and caring—partners who are honest, kind and trusting. Partners who may have been hurt before and recognize that hurt in others and have a desire to fix it are often susceptible.

Board-certified psychiatrist Dale Archer, M.D., told Psychology Today that love bombers can spot insecurities in people, and exploit them.

“… The love bomber is also insecure, so to boost their ego, the target must at least seem like a great “catch.” Maybe she’s the beautiful woman, who’s lonely because her beauty intimidates people, or he’s the guy with the great career whose wife left him for his best friend…”.

He continues, “On paper, these folks are attractive, but something makes them doubt their own value. Along comes the love bomber to shower them with affection and attention.”

Love bombing is particularly sinister because abusers thrive off of building up your self-esteem before gradually tearing it down. By getting you to trust them and open yourself up, they end up learning your weaknesses and using them as bait to make you stay. It’s common for survivors to easily get gaslighted and feel controlled, even without noticing.

What Effects Can Love Bombing Have on the Partner?

Emotional abuse, which love bombing falls under, can be just as damaging as other types of abuse. Survivors may begin to blame themselves once the manipulation and berating starts—what am I doing to cause this? (Answer: nothing.) How do I get it to go back to how it was? (Answer: You can’t; an abuser is broken.)

As with most types of abuse, there may be times when the abuser goes back to being kind—if only for a minute. That can be enough for some survivors to hold out hope of permanent change, prolonging the relationship and the abuse.

Trust Your Gut

Denial is one of the brain’s main defense mechanisms, which is why we’re often the last to know when we’re in denial. While love bombing takes different forms depending on the abuser, the best way to escape it is to take a step backwards when you feel like a relationship is going too fast. It’s normal to feel giddy at the start of new love, but it isn’t normal to feel like you’re dependent on your partner’s affection.

You may also want to consider journaling as a way to keep track of what’s transposing in your relationship and keep your memories straight down the road. Read “How to Survive Gaslighting” for more information on this.

Opening up to a trusted confidant or a trained domestic violence advocate near you can also help confirm whether your partner is demonstrating dangerous red flags. The Crisis Text Line and The National Domestic Violence Hotline are also good sources of support if you’re feeling unsure, or if you have a bad gut feeling and want to seek help.

Ultimately, it’s important to know what’s real and what may be just a front for love bombing. Damage done by abusive partners may take a lot of work to undo, but understanding how this manipulation works can help you in your recovery.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Buy Phicklephilly THE BOOK now available on Amazon!

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly

Life Before Quarantine – Part 6

During quarantine I’ve been fairly productive. I get my energy from people but I really enjoy my alone time. My daughter agrees. We’re both perfectly happy being on our own. I was looking through some photos the other day and I got some great memories of when we were all allowed to come out and play. I thought I’d share some of them with you. I’ll run this series every week until I run out of photos! If you see yourself, hit me up!

I’m very fortunate to have met you all and enjoyed the times we had together. Thank you!

Enjoy!

 

Two Face takes a wife…

 

 

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Buy Phicklephilly THE BOOK now available on Amazon!

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly

How To Have A Zoom Game Night

Now that the majority of the country is practicing social distancing, the way we entertain ourselves has drastically changed. Musicians are streaming concerts on YouTube, comedians are going live on Instagram, and people all over the world are using Zoom well after their work calls are over in order to spend time with loved ones. But if your video chat hangs are starting to feel a bit repetitive (read: You’re drinking way more wine than usual), a game night on Zoom may provide a much-needed reprieve.

“Using video conferencing technology to have fun, to engage with other people, and to connect socially, reminds us that we are not alone and that we have people there to support us,” Dr. Josh Klapow, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and associate professor of public health at the University of Alabama at Birmingham, tells phicklephilly.

Hopping on video chat can be a great way to feel less isolated. Folks everywhere are propping up their phones while they cook together, watch movies, or simply have conversations. But the fun of a game night, in particular, can make these quiet evenings seem a little less strange and a lot more nostalgic. Battling it out with friends might even ease coronavirus-related anxiety, at least for a little while, as you focus your mind elsewhere.

Here, a few ideas for ways to have a Zoom game night, so you can stay connected from afar.

1. Trivia Night

You may not be crammed into your favorite bar booth with five of your closest friends, but you can still recreate trivia night by playing together on Zoom. Start by assigning a host (like yourself) and coming up with questions. Aim for five or so categories, with about eight questions each.

From there, figure out how you’ll communicate. Each team will need a private space to whisper answers, like a breakout room, but you can all meet back in the main “bar” area on Zoom. Give everyone 30 seconds to deliberate, and then have them submit answers via DM.

Of course, as with any trivia night, you’ll want and need rules. Remind players to stay off Google, to put their phones down, and to only get answers from teammates — not their roommate, who is a fount of 90s music knowledge. And just like that, you’ll have recreated trivia night from the safety of your homes.

2. Punderdome

A rousing game of Punderdome can easily be played via Zoom. To begin, gather at least three people, ensure that someone (again, probably you) has the deck of cards, and spend an evening making awful jokes.

To play, the “prompter” draws two cards from the deck and then reads them out to the rest of the group. Everyone has 90 seconds to create the worst pun they can come up with that combines the two prompts.

The prompter then chooses the pun they like best. The first person who gets 10 pairs of cards wins!

3. What Do You Meme

The “adult party game for meme lovers” is another one you can play from afar. If you’d like to show your cards, simply angle your camera so everyone can see what’s on the table. Get creative with this, and it’ll feel much more interactive.

What Do You Meme is all about matching up photo cards with caption cards to create your own meme. Similar to Cards Against Humanity (we’ve all played that, right?), the winning puns will come down to personal preference and can lead to heated debates over what’s funny and what isn’t.

Since you can only play with up to six people, it’s a great game to try on video chat without feeling too overwhelmed. Drinks, snacks, and other social distancing comfort optional.

4. Truth Or Dare

This classic game is a fun one to try from the privacy of your own home and can be played with as many people as you like. Ask your friends “truth” questions to learn more about each other, or go for a “dare” if your goal is to crack each other up. The possibilities are endless, as long as they all involve staying inside.

5. Charades

In case you need a reminder, charades is that game where you act out a word or phrase without speaking, and your teammates have to guess what it is. To do it over Zoom, simply move your camera when it’s your turn, so everyone can see what you’re doing.

You’ll need two teams, a list of suggestions, and a timer. Each person will get a chance to act out their word, while their team tries to figure it out. You might get something like “gardening,” at which point you’ll get down on your hands and knees, dig in the dirt, plant flowers, etc. Use your imagination.

You can’t, of course, mouth the answer, make noise, or use items in your room as clues. That’s some hardcore charades cheating, right there. But you can think back to your high school theater arts class, and put your old miming skills to work.

6. Dungeons & Dragons

The cool thing about D&D is it’s an imagination-based game, making it something you can easily play on Zoom until you can meet up with your friends in real life.

The majority of the work will fall on the game master (probably you) since it’ll be important to consider ways to keep everyone involved. But it can be done! Just pretend you’re all sitting around the same table, as per usual, and continue your story.

If a player needs dice to roll, they can do so online with a quick Google search. There are also fancy virtual tabletops you can try out. But you may want to keep things simple, especially if you aren’t too experienced with the game or have never tried it before, and stick to fun, light-hearted role-playing.

7. Mind Meld

Have all your friends sign on to Zoom, then take turns going in a circle while trying to “meld minds,” aka say the exact same word at the exact same time.

Two players will start by counting down from three and then saying any word that comes to mind. One player then turns to the person “next to them,” and they count down from three, then say a word that the two previous words made them think of. And so on.

It’s basically a game of word association, and if you play it right — where no one’s trying to be funny or saying random things just for a laugh — you will eventually hone in on the same word, and it’ll feel like magic.

8. Never Have I Ever

This is a classic drinking game that can be played with or without alcohol over video chat.

Have everyone hold up their hand as players take turns sharing something they’ve never done before. If someone in the circle has done it, they put a finger down (or take a drink). Go for spicy questions to keep things interesting, and to make it less likely that everyone’s done it.

Ideas: Never have I ever fainted. Never have I ever bungee jumped. Never have I ever had a paranormal experience. Never have I ever had a one-night stand.

The person with the most fingers remaining up at the end wins!

9. Quiplash

The rules of Quiplash are super easy, as there are no rules or correct answers. All you do is answer prompts within the game, then everyone votes on the wittiest answers.

According to the game’s creators, you can play with up to eight of your friends, as well as up to 10,000 participants in the in app “Audience.” Playing on a stream? Your viewers can join in and participate in the game, too.

10. 21 Questions

Shutterstock

Get to know your friends even better by playing a game of 21 Questions. To get things started, have everyone come up with a list of 21 Qs, then roll a die, and have the person with the lower number answer first.

The person who is asking should start with easy questions, like, “What did you have for breakfast this morning?” Then move onto ones that are more risqué, if your friends are OK with that.

You can ask “what if?” questions, pose interesting scenarios, ask about dreams and fears — or whatever else sounds fun.

11. Two Truths & A Lie

Two Trusts & A Lie is another party game that focuses on telling, well, two truths and a lie. Each player will have a chance to share two facts about themselves plus something that’s entirely made up, and the goal is to correctly guess which one is the lie.

To throw everyone off, choose two truths about yourself that people might not know, or two things that seem a bit outlandish or out of character for you. Mix those in at random with a lie, which can be equally outlandish, and chances are everyone will have a hard time figuring it out!

12. Read My Lips

To play Read My Lips, have the person who is “it” turn off their microphone. They will then say a series of words in a given amount of time while everyone else reads their lips and writes down what they think they’re saying. The person with the most correct guesses is the obvious winner.

13. Pass It Along

This game is all about creating a story together, one sentence at a time. Start the story, then pass it off to another friend who will add the next sentence, then someone else will add the third sentence, and keep going until it feels like the tale has reached a natural conclusion.

You can be as serious or as silly as you want, but think about the plot, remember to add in characters and details, so the story is interesting. Try to recall what was said before you and work together to create a narrative with rising action.

For an added element, record the story and listen back afterward to hear back how utterly ridiculous it was.

14. Scavenger Hunt

If you’re hosting this event, create a list of things people may (or may not) have around their apartment. Add everyday items to the list, like a coffee mug or a box of pasta, as well as a few unique items, like an antique watch or a Slinky. Set a timer, share the list, and see who can come rushing back to Zoom with the most items on the list.

15. Drawing Challenge

Pick a category, form teams of two, and have one person from each team do a Google image search of abstract shapes or pieces of art that fall within the category.

Go into Zoom breakout rooms so you won’t be talking over each other, and then be as specific as possible as you describe the image to your partner, so they have a better shot at drawing it on a piece of paper, with paint — whatever medium you’ll all be using.

Give everyone five minutes to draw, then come back into the main chat and vote on the winner.

16. Last Letter

If you’d like to keep your brain sharp during this time of social distancing, play Last Letter with your friends. All you need to do is choose a category — ’90s movies, flowers, states, colors, etc. — and say a word within that category. The next person will say a word that starts with the last letter of your word, and on and on you’ll go until someone comes up blank. That person will then sit out the next round. Keep playing until only one player is left standing.

17. Would You Rather?

Ask each other “would you rather” type questions, such as “Would you rather have really long arms or really long legs?” or “Would you rather have super strength or super speed?” Be creative and have fun!

If you think you’re showing symptoms of coronavirus, which include fever, shortness of breath, and coughing, call NHS 111 in the UK or visit the CDC website in the U.S. for up-to-date information and resources. 

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Buy Phicklephilly THE BOOK now available on Amazon!

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly

12 Sad Signs You’re Emotionally Damaged & Are Too Broken To Love

Over the years, I’ve learned that there are some people who, for one reason or another, are not capable of maintaining a relationship.

They may be able to feel love. They may be able to be attractive. However, in the long run, they always end up alone or in terribly unhealthy relationships. I call these people “broken.”

They are too broken to love because they do not, cannot, or will not behave the right way with their partners or understand what relationships should be.

In many cases, they will be great dates, but flee from commitment or serious things.

Other times, they are emotionally damaged and have serious problems they have to work out before they can be in a relationship. Still, more may just have exceptionally toxic beliefs about love, dating, or the opposite sex.

Broken people are the ones who end up hitting their spouses, being abusive, being serial cheaters, or even raping others. They are people who have big problems that hurt other people.

Broken people are not happy people, deep down inside. But they may not even realize that the reason they are always alone is themselves. Or, if they know, they’ll refuse to believe it.

Now, there’s some good news and some bad news.

The good news is that you can work on yourself and actually become better if you are too broken to love or be in a healthy relationship. There’s also good news that you can figure out if you’re too broken to date.

The bad news is that seeing these signs in yourself means you have a lot of work to do.

1. Every time you hear a love song or see a couple that’s happy, you get angry or upset.

I’ve been there, and trust me, it’s a horrible place to be.

The thing is, this just shows how much negative energy and hurt you’re carrying with you. Unfortunately, being that hurt means you need to actually get better before most people will want to be with you.

2. The standards you have are nowhere near what you have to offer.

I’m all for not settling on important things like goals, career, and character. However, I’ll be the first to say that dating culture is incredibly shallow and entitled.

If you have standards for a modelesque person with a six-figure salary, and you’re broke, have issues, and don’t look like Claudia Schiffer, you may have a toxic belief setting you back.

3. You have complained that “everyone always just wants jerks,” or lashed out at someone because they didn’t want to date you after you became friends with them.

This is called Nice Guy Syndrome, and the truth is that it’s a sign of both entitlement and a lack of social awareness. Attraction cannot be negotiated. Trying to force someone to like you will not work, and often borders on the abusive.

You might have actually gotten this belief from toxic rom-com movies, so if you’ve been feeling victimized by the “Friend Zone,” you may need to look into therapy.

4. You choose the people you date based on who others would want to see you with, rather than what you know you’d be happy with.

At the end of the day, it shows that you aren’t secure in yourself and are more worried about pleasing others outside of the relationship than you are about the quality of your relationship.

No relationship that comes from this is a good one, which is why you may need to take a step back and talk to a professional about why you’re living for others’ approval.

5. You’ve hit your partner, berated them, stonewalled them, or otherwise abused them.

Committing acts of abuse is the number one sign that you are too broken to be in a relationship.

If your exes have regularly said that you’re abusive or if they have restraining orders on you, then it’s safe to say that you may need to look inward and fix what causes you to hurt those who care about you.

6. You don’t really see your potential partners as people.

What I mean by this is that you don’t see them as individuals with their own feelings, needs, lives, and dreams.

A lot of people who are seriously emotionally broken view the opposite sex as the enemy, or props. Ask yourself if you see the opposite sex as NPCs and maybe it’ll be time to actually rethink the way you approach dating.

7. People have told you that the way you’re behaving is unacceptable, or that you need to get help.

If you hear it from one ex, okay, that may be gaslighting. If you hear it from exes, friends, family members, and internet strangers? Well, you might actually have a problem that you’re not willing to admit to.

Once again, therapy and introspection does wonders.

8. Your parents rule your life.

There’s nothing wrong with being close to your family. There’s something wrong when you let your family tear apart any relationships you have.

There’s also something absolutely wrong if you find your parents smothering any way for you to grow as a person, live your own life, or even choose who to date.

If your parents make all the rules for dating and refuse to let you manage your own relationship, that’s a problem. If you allow this to happen, well, they’ve broken you and it’s time to get help.

9. People of all genders tend to avoid you.

I’ve been there, and I can tell you it’s not fun. It’s also not fun to hear what I’m about to tell you, either.

Generally speaking, there’s a typical reason why people avoid you. So, you might need to take a look at your social skills to see what’s up.

Thankfully, you’re never too old to learn how to deal with people a little better, and this is a way easier fix than other symptoms on this list.

10. You feel a need to punish people for the wrongs of others.

Been there, done that, bought a T-shirt franchise as a retirement fund.

You probably know that this is the wrong way to go about things. You probably also know that you’re going to feel way worse in the long run, because, eventually, you’ll have to answer to the people you hurt.

Hurt people hurt people, but if you live by the sword, you’ll die by it, too. If you find this happening, please talk to a professional and avoid the dating scene. It’s not fair to you or the people who date you.

11. You know you have commitment and/or abandonment issues.

Yep, can’t have a relationship like that. Time to get some help and work out your own issues before you even consider dating another person.

12. People regularly say that you refuse to hold yourself accountable for your own problems, and, to a point, you know it’s true.

Accountability and actual character are huge when it comes to having a relationship that works. If you can’t admit fault, you’ll end up blaming your partner for all the things that happen bad to you.

That’s a sign of a personality disorder and also pretty insufferable behavior. If you want your next relationship to last, start owning up to your mistakes and working to make things better.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Buy Phicklephilly THE BOOK now available on Amazon!

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly

Let’s Get Real: These Are the Best (and, Um, Worst) Parts of Dating Each Zodiac Sign

You gotta take the good with the bad, right?! So while each of the 12 signs of the zodiac has sweet, cute, totally lovable qualities that turn us into human heart-eyes emoji…each Sun sign also, um, has the opposite. Let’s face it: We all have a side that most people can’t stand (yes, even you, Leo), but it’s fine.

Our posi traits are too good to give up! But it’s best to keep things 100, no? Right. That way, we can, you know, work on ourselves in our relationships. So keep reading for the thing your right swipes, your S.O., your ex, that cutie at the bar, etc., etc. loves (and hates) most about dating your Sun sign. It’s called growth.

Aries

Your impulsive nature makes you super fun to hang out with—we never know what adventure you’ll take us on next. However, your fiery combustible temper has a dark side that can lead to hot-headedness and super-confrontational arguments that start and end within minutes of each other. Not so fun!

Taurus

All your fixed energy can make you a bit inflexible. Your stubbornness and unwillingness to change is, like, a thing. But we let it slide because you’re the ultimate ride-or-die bestie, as you are a genuine and devoted friend—and an amazing partner to your boo too!

Gemini

No other sign is as fun as you, Gemmy! This is because you’re always down to party and go on any adventure. While we adore your social skills and openness to life, you do have a tendency to be gossipy and the source of most rumors—just sayin’.

Cancer

You wear your heart on your sleeve, which makes you the sweetest lil crabbie in the ocean. You always want to work out problems—but only on your terms. You can be a little too controlling for your own good, which can create tensions with those you love and care about.

Leo

Let’s start with the positives, before you scratch anyone, kitty cat. You’re beyond generous and extremely loyal (see, positive!), which serves as your boo’s fair (even earned) payment for participating and indulging in your theatrics, temper tantrums, and dramatic meltdowns (LOL, snuck that in there, didn’t I?) when you don’t get your way.

Virgo

We love you, Virgo, but you can be a bit…nitpicky. You’re too particular at times. This can create stress for you and those around you. But before you start to obsessively dissect this astrological drag, you really need to know what others value in you and that’s your patience, virtue, and kindness. Aww!

Libra

Libra, you are a lover of love, which serves your romantic heart well because you like to live in a fairy tale. The only issue people have with you is that you are a flirt. And to be real, you set up the next relationship before the one you’re in actually comes to an end.

Scorpio

You are gifted with amazing psychic abilities, which makes you an awesome mind reader. You use that info to your advantage and manipulate situations and people—which can create low-key drama. Instead of using people’s feelings to your advantage, pay it forward by helping them understand their motives.

Sagittarius

TBH, Sag, your good and bad qualities are the same. You tend to be a know-it-all, which is great for fact finding (basically, you’re a human Google). But you also can be a know-it-all who doesn’t really know it all, especially in regard to emotions.

Capricorn

You already know: Your hardworking efforts and determination can lead to innovation and successes! You are a legit mover and shaker. The only thing that can be a drag is that you can get a little competitive with those who surpass you or are a threat to your position as CEO. Maybe skip bowling, mini golf, ice skating, literally any sport on a first date.

Aquarius

You give your all to humanitarian projects and ideally would like the world to sing in perfect harmony, which is a great attribute. However, you can get a little too fanatical in your beliefs and sound too preachy at times instead of just stating facts. Stop Aquarian-splaining!

Pisces

Your imagination is the most beautiful thing about you. You have the ability to transcend any basic creative endeavor and make a monumental vision. The caveat to such a fluid mind is that you are often lost in your own world and unable to keep up with important mundane tasks. You just keep—wait for it—swimming!

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Buy Phicklephilly THE BOOK now available on Amazon!

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly

The Psychological Reasons Why Being Single Is Good For Your Self-Esteem And Makes Your Future Relationships Stronger

• Most people don’t end up seeing out their days with their first love, so chances are you’ll go through a breakup.
• But if you’ve been in relationships your whole adult life, and never been single, the idea can be terrifying.
• It’s actually mentally healthier for you to take some time to be alone if you can, because you learn to love yourself more.
• Being single allows you to learn what you really want and need from future relationships, and not settle for people who are wrong for you.

Scientific research has shown there are numerous physical and mental benefits to being single. But some people still find the idea terrifying.

“With clients I talk to, I notice that many people are afraid of being alone,” online psychologist Carolin Müller told Insider. “There are many people who feel like this — they are hardly afraid of anything more than being alone, like it’s the worst case that could ever happen.”

Some people jump from relationship to relationship because they are hooked on the pleasant feelings they get from the attention, she said, but this means they are also at a greater risk of falling for someone toxic. This is because being with someone who is wrong for them is better than being alone.

“I know people even with my clients who have never been single in their life,” Müller said. “And if you think about it, it’s a weird fear, you know … I think if you are alone, if you are single, it is a good opportunity to get to know yourself and learn to love yourself more.”

If you get all of your self-confidence and self-worth from what someone else is telling you, you’ll become dependent on it, she said.

For example, it’s wonderful to hear that you’re lovable, beautiful, and amazing, but if you’re not telling yourself the same thing, you’re only getting validation from outside. Then if your partner cheats on you, leaves you for someone else, or even dies, this stream of validation disappears.

“You will feel like you’re in withdrawal and this is a bad feeling,” said Müller. “But this is not because being alone is so bad, it’s because you are dependent on the validation of the person in the first place.”

Eating ice cream on your own isn’t tragic, it’s great. 

Getty/Westend61

If you approach relationships in this way — looking to replace the feelings of validation you lost from a former partner with a new one — you’re more likely to feel animosity about your exes.

“These will be people who don’t talk to their ex-boyfriends or girlfriends,” said Müller. “They remove them, they’re dismissed … It’s like getting the new fix.”

It’s very hard to break this toxic cycle, she added, but it can be done by embracing being single when the chance comes around. This is because developing emotional independence will actually help you become more emotionally stable.

“If you understand yourself first of all, you will be able to understand others much more,” she said. “You’ll know about your needs and your expectations, and you will understand why certain people act the way they do.”

Learning about yourself will also help you in the future when you do find the right person. You’ll realize that relationships are about giving, not receiving, and you’ll feel more confident because you know you can overcome it if the relationship doesn’t work out.

“I believe I’m strong enough to handle it, so I take a higher risk in the relationship at the end,” Müller said.

“Imagine two people who love themselves and love each other dearly, who just give love to each other instead of asking for it. It’s a beautiful relationship, and this is what a healthy relationship is.”

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Buy Phicklephilly THE BOOK now available on Amazon!

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly