Falling in love and being in a healthy relationship is something most of us want to experience in our lives.
When we fall in love, it’s as if the world stops and life as we know it has just shifted, changed, and improved. We are suddenly enchanted, a better version of ourselves.
Everything suddenly feels different, better, and alive.
In a relationship, especially a brand new one, all we want to do is be with our partner. Nothing is more important than cultivating our growing new reality: us.
We have never felt happier, more exhilarated, or more ourselves. We pinch ourselves to make sure it is real, and not a dream.
We are in love.
Falling in love, in some ways, feels like the ultimate “trust fall” game — trusting our partner enough to allow ourselves to fall, to let go. The falling is thrilling, but being held is intoxicating — so intoxicating that we don’t want to stand back up.
And this is where we might find ourselves forgetting (or at least setting aside) routines and habits that we know are good for us.
Nothing feels as important or fulfilling as being in love with our partner, and biologically speaking, this is by design, according to research by Helen Fisher and Lucy Brown.
Discarding other interests and goals allows us biologically to bond with our partner so strongly that we will stick with each other, and ideally create and raise offspring.
Anthropologically speaking, mating might be the most important thing we do to ensure our survival and that of our species.
So important is romantic love to our species’ survival, Fisher argues, that our brain allows us to put aside almost all other obligations and needs just long enough to ensure for this possibility: 18-24 months.
Floating along the current of this intoxicating new love can take us new and wonderful places, but it also can tempt us to put aside self-care and other responsibilities that are important to our happiness and well-being.
We put these things off, but it doesn’t work.
As we avoid important aspects of our life, we start to feel unsettled, irritable, even resentful — resentful at the very responsibilities themselves, that they somehow can’t be shared, or indefinitely ignored like we might wish they could.
And even anxious about how we will be able to balance the needs of the relationship against our own personal ones. It feels so good to be loved and taken care of that it can feel hard to take care of ourselves.
Love can do this — trick us into thinking we are done being responsible for our health and wellness. But without our health and wellness, our love and relationships will suffer too.
The key is to listen to that whispering anxiety telling you what you’ve let slide for too long.
You know where your life is tipping out of balance, and you know what you need to do.
Maybe it’s paying your bills, cutting your grass, or doing your laundry. Or maybe it’s buckling down on a work project you’ve been putting off or making time to see a friend or family member you’ve been neglecting.
Perhaps your target should be healthier food choices, and getting back to the gym a few mornings a week instead of cuddling in bed.
Creating boundaries that allow you to reclaim your individual needs allows you to be the healthiest person you can be, which in turn keeps your relationship strong and healthy.
It’s OK not to want to make room for the mundane chores of self-care, it might feel really hard and frustrating to get back on track.
But it’s also OK to push through and do it anyway.
Getting started might be hard, but tending to your needs will set you up to feel less anxiety and more balance, and in turn, strengthen your relationship.
Balance is the goal when it comes to translating romantic love into lasting love.
The love between two healthy individuals is what sets the stage for lasting love and healthy relationships — and the life partnership we so want.
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LegendaryRushdrummerNeil Pearthas died at the age of 67 on Jan. 7 after battling brain cancer.
Rolling Stoneconfirmed the drummer’s death with a representative for the band and Peart family spokesperson Elliott Mintz stated that the drummer was fighting brain cancer for the last three years.
Peart joined the Canadian progressive rock trio in 1974 following the release of the band’s self-titled debut album. In addition to serving as the group’s drummer ever since, he was also a chief lyricist within Rush.
Loudwire extends our condolences to Peart’s family as well as his Rush bandmates Geddy Lee and Alex Lifeson.
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It was unusual because he picked a very fancy location that was way out of town (like an hour drive), I normally prefer casual dates like walking in the park, or coffee but he insisted we go.
I arrived first and when I sat down I ordered a drink (strawberry lemonade I don’t drink alcohol) and was talking to the waitress saying I was waiting on a date, she was super nice to me and said “oh I hope it’s fun good luck!”
Once he arrived suddenly her mood shifted, she gave him an attitude when he ordered. He was trying to bully me into getting some alcohol but I was firm and said I would stick to my strawberry lemonade. Throughout the date he kept trying to order me vodka.
Waitress was being really weird and kept complimenting me and giving me free lemonades, refills every two minutes and basically giving him dirty looks and stayed close by always watching. The guy was being a prick about the situation and started acting rude, “I hope she’s not gonna charge for those.” He looked incredibly angry and uncomfortable.
I was starting to wonder why this waitress was being so mean so I went to the bathroom and waited to flag her down.
She told me he goes there every other weekend with a new girl and that the girls would walk out of there acting very drunk.
I did confront him and he admitted he gets girls drunk to sleep with him with pressure tactics. I took off right when he said that and the waitress took me to my car, I made sure to give all the cash I had as a tip.
I seriously love that waitress, and I’ll never forget her.
Blasted Racist
Not a server but a bartender. My girlfriend was serving an obvious first date and they were ordering an alarming amount of drinks with 30 minutes of sitting down, I ask my gf what was going and and she said the girl was doing all of the shots they ordered. I walked from behind the bar to the bathroom purely to check in on the situation and good lord this girl on the date was blasted and just dropping the f-bomb every other word.
Eventually the chick went outside to smoke and the dude B-lined to the bar and asked if he could give me money for the waitress and sneak out (actually gave $200 for a $70 tab so nice)…the girl came back in and ate the food they ordered then tried to order more drinks. Had to throw her out and she started calling me the n word. I’m very much a white dude. Bizarre night that my girl and I still talk about years later.
The Hipster King And His Moral Mountain
Oh yes! I’ve got the mother of all hipster dates!
So I was at Father’s Office, it’s kind of a trendy beer /hipster/ amazing food/ show that is wall to wall packed every night.My friends and I are enjoying what could possibly be the best burger ever made. I’m drinking a beer.
This place is set up kind of strange. You have 2 bars along the back wall, some tables in the middle for dinner and a ring of booths around the rest of the bar. Not a lot of room to move around or really have private space. It didn’t really bother me because I was having an orgasmic out of body experience with this burger.
Until in walks the king of all of the Los Angeles hipsters…
This guy had every article of hipster clothing on. That stupid Amish hat, the fruit pattern button up shirt sleeve shirt, the swacket (sweater-jacket), burgundy corduroy pants, and yes deck shoes. His face was adorned with your typical hipster add ons; the septum piercing, gauges, those awful Harry Potter glasses, patchy stubble and a 80’s porn star mustache. Bracelets clanking off his Apple watch he saunters in to the bar and plops himself in the booth behind me. My back is to his back, and I can feel the Mumford and Sons rolling out of his soul.
He orders some nonsense beer and begins to make “work” calls on his ridiculous watch… in a bar loud enough to bother my deaf uncle. So pretentious. His voice sounds like the Chipmunks smoked camel unfiltered’s and drank wild turkey. I am immediately in hate with this walking skidmark on the underwear of society.
That is until the crowds around the bar part and in walks the most incredibly attractive ordinary girl I’ve ever seen. I know that sounds confusing but just think about it. We’ve all seen someone like that before, nothing really special about them… But all of the normality is just perfect. She is wearing jeans with a black v-neck shirt. She is rocking some really nice Jimmy Choo’s (yes I know what those are don’t judge me) I can tell she just got done with work because she has that “I want to go home and make love to my bed” look.
She smiles at our table as she walks by and then very sensually slides into the booth with the hipster King. My friends and I give each other that “here comes the show” look. He introduces himself, she introduces herself it’s fairly normal conversation.
Then she asks what he does for work and the gates of hipster hell open. Apparently, he is the most accomplished man in the entire city of LA. He is a writer, a director, an actor, a vegan food expert, wine expert, tech genius who makes million dollar apps as a hobby, has a charity, and most importantly is involved in the weed industry. He says all of this in the most condescending tone possible; like she could never measure up to his incredible portfolio.
My table is struggling not to laugh as we listen to this modern day million dollar man tell this girl that he is probably a way better human being than she could ever hope to be. How he is totally down with black lives matter, how he donated buckets of money to Hillary Clinton’s campaign. His moral fiber is so strong that scientist are trying to use it to catch meteors.
Now at this point I can’t see her face, remember she is facing my back. But I have to see how she is reacting to this guy’s PR interview… so I very casually stand up to stretch… and as I put my arms out I turn my head to look at her. She has this look of confusion sprinkled with disgust and a little dash of just being done with this entire situation. I unfortunately catch her eye and we link telepathically. Her eyes are saying “Can you believe this?”
My eyes respond “I’d save you but I don’t want his words touching the air around me.”
I finish my stretch and sit back down. My friends are giggling like a bunch of girls drunk on box wine. He is rambling on about how corporate America is responsible for all the evils in the world. I hear a very loud sigh and she finally says:
“Look my friend set this up, I’m really tired from work and I don’t want to sit here and watch you build this moral high ground mountain that you’re apparently so intent on building. Have a great night best of luck.”
You could hear the air leaving this man child’s body as she got up and walked away. Disappearing into the crowd like a victorious warrior.
But that wasn’t the end!
He gathered his thoughts and started making calls on his watch as loudly as possible so everyone could hear how important he is. He sat at that table nursing that one beer for an entire hour. Just being an in-the-way person, a person so repugnant that the wait staff didn’t even come to his table. Oh and the cherry on top of the douche Sunday? He only tipped 10% on his bill.
Pokemon
Couple years ago, I was tending bar at a high-end steak joint. A pretty brunette walked in and sat down at the bar. After fixing her a cocktail, I asked if she’d like to see a dinner menu. She explained that she was waiting for a date.
A few moments later, the guy arrived carrying a large bag.
It was immediately obvious this date was their first. Their conversation was lurching from forced to downright painful when he reached into the bag and pulled out an album containing…
…his Pokemon card collection.
He set the book on the bar and thumbed through each page, thoroughly and lovingly describing every card, attempting to educate his date in the ways of Japanese pocket monsters. I’ll be fair to the guy – dude was passionate.
She feigned an emergency and called her friend to pick her up. He stayed and ate a plain hamburger at the bar. Both of these people were in their mid-30’s.
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First dates can be incredibly uncomfortable – but usually when people say that they mean uncomfortable for the daters. Trust us, though, some of those first dates can be just as uncomfortable for the people forced to witness them.
Reddit user StickyRice4 asked:
Considering your classic first date setup typically happens at a bar or restaurant, there were a lot of answers, each a little bit more awful than the one before. Generally speaking, they all boil down to one major mistake – an inability or unwillingness to read your date.
So there you go, folks. That’s our pro-tip for the day. Read your date so you know whether or not you should bust out your Pokemon, your racism or homophobia, your fetishes, or that thing you do with your tongue.
Spoiler Alert: Yeeeeaaaaah you should probably keep that stuff to yourself on a first date.
Untouched
This isn’t as bad as some of the others but the guy and girl arrived separately and it seemed like they were meeting for the first time at the restaurant. They sat down then the girl excused herself and went to the bathroom. The guy ordered drinks for them both while she was gone then, after like 30 mins, ordered two meals. It was so obvious she wasn’t coming back but he kept calling her and eventually just left all the food and drink untouched and paid the bill.
Starbucks And Japanese
She was Japanese and he started off by showing her his shirt with sumo wrestlers on it, then would ask questions like… what’s your favorite sushi? Do you only speak Japanese? How do you say toilet in Japanese? They have sumo in Japan right? Did you see my shirt? It was so amazingly awkward
Homophobic Mom
I once had two very young (like 15 at most) teenage boys come into my place for what was clearly their first date together, if not their first date ever. Maybe 20 minutes into their date one of their mothers showed up, realized it was a boy her son was on a date with, and started screaming and crying about she didn’t understand how he could do this to her and didn’t he know she wanted grandchildren, etc, etc. She just flipped out and was totally homophobic and told him he wasn’t allowed in her home if he was going to choose this lifestyle. He started crying, his poor date was totally bewildered, and ended up calling his mom to come take them home.
BBQ
Girl and guy came into the barbecue restaurant I worked at. At this place, like many casual BBQ places, you pay after you order and then come back to pick up your food when your number is called. That will matter in a second. Anyway…
They met at the door exchanging the usual “Hi, nice to meet you!”, etc. The guy was a complete ass. She ordered ribs and without hesitation he said:
“Do you want to keep that hot figure of yours or look like that chick over there?”
He then pointed to a woman who was slightly overweight. While they were waiting in line to pay he started flirting with the chick behind them. She dead ass waited until he paid then left without waiting for the food.
Her Hand
Couple in their mid-twenties comes in, it’s obviously a first date but they seem to really like each other and are getting along well. I wasn’t serving them however. About halfway through their meal I notice them holding hands over the table. Cute. Then, the guy lifts her hand to his lips and kisses the back of it. A bit of an outdated gesture, but still cute I guess. The woman seems slightly confused but goes along with it. A little while later I see the guy do it again. Okay, dude. Then again. Woman is confused and looks a little uncomfortable. They are no longer holding hands. I go to serve my table and see the dude full on MAKING OUT with her hand, tongue and all. Woman looks extremely embarrassed and uncomfortable, looking everywhere but at her date. I go over and casually ask if they need anything, and the dude stops. Woman yanks her hand back. She left pretty soon after.
The Cutest Karma
I had a 2 top in a small booth and across from them was a family of 6. The 2 top was in their mid 40’s maybe 50. I was delivering food to the 6 top and I was being berated for not using legs with my big trays, so I grabbed a pair and headed off. When I was setting them down a stacked plate on my tray shifted to the side and the whole tray pitched toward the 6 top. I panicked and tried to stop it from falling and it all went backwards off the tray.
Unluckily I didn’t hear a single plate shatter. I turned around and the woman at the 2 top had rib sauce on her face, mashed potatoes in her bust, and broccoli all over her lap. I started with, “I’m so sorry ma’am. Please stand up and we’ll get you cleaned up.”
My 6 top was forgotten at that moment. I pleaded with her to get up so we could clean her off, someone produced a towel for me, I had 2 managers trying to help. She was so polite and insistent that it was nobody’s fault. Her husband finally said, “at least wipe the sauce off your face.” And she laughed and got up.
Everything was comped on their ticket including alcohol. It was the only tray I ever dropped and they never made me use legs again.
They came back in and asked for me the next week. The husband told me they were celebrating 30 years together that night. I felt horrible. Then he told me on their first date she made spaghetti, and accidentally dumped it in his lap. He told her it was karma and they had a huge laugh, and a free meal.
The House Wine
I worked as a waitress in an Italian restaurant while in uni in 2006. Obvious first date comes in. He’s booked it and requested a table in a secluded area of the restaurant because the acoustics would be perfect.She arrives and asks to move table to by the window. No big deal. He’s annoyed at this.
They ordered a carafe of the house red with their meals. Anything she said he’d turn it into some achievement he’d already accomplished. He kept making comments about her order, such as how fattening a dish would be etc,and then proceeded to say his family owned a vineyard and he knew a good red wine when he smelt one.
He then asked for the most expensive wine on the menu and to take away the what he called “piss of a house wine” then talked about how the bouquet was different and the clarity was so much better on the “expensive” wine.
When it came to dessert she had enough of his bull and flipped when he said that she shouldn’t have any or she’d end up with stretch marks. She was a bit overweight but not overly so. She stood up and yelled at him for being a condescending piece of garbage, for knowing nothing at all about wine and dropped the coup de grâce that her father was our wine supplier and that the “piss of a house wine” red was exactly the same as the most expensive wine (all of which was totally true).
He was left speechless with the full check to pay.
I’ll write a few more in the next couple of hours!
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I met Rebecca 3 years ago on a date. Rebecca has recently made an appearance in my life so I thought I’d re-run this series so everyone won’t have to go back and search for her series to catch up. Enjoy!
Fall of 2016
It’d been a while since I’d heard from Rebecca. She certainly made an amazing impression upon me on our first date. It didn’t make sense that she “ghosted” me after our very first meeting. It felt like it had been a couple of months, and all I heard was the deafening sound of crickets. But I had prepared myself for this.
I did text her twice in that time to meet up for a drink and just never heard back. This has happened before. I know this other little hottie that’s always saying she wants to meet me for drink, but can never pull it together.
But then out of the blue Rebecca texted me. “Sooo sorry for being off the grid. Can we meet up for a drink soon?” I told her I could do Monday or Wednesday. She picked Monday. I liked that because it was sooner. I asked her if she had any preference. She said for me to pick the place. I wanted somewhere that was nice, but not some place where we’d stick out like a sore thumb. I had a few days to figure it out. I have to come up with a place where they knew me, but I’d have some privacy. I decide to meet her at 1 Tippling Place at 6:30 the next Monday.
“Great! I always wanted to check that place out!” was her reply.
1 Tippling Place is a really cool, living room style cocktail bar. It’s located at 20th and Chestnut streets. The outside is really nondescript. Just a glass and steel door, next to a large window. If you blinked or sneezed while walking by you’d miss it. But inside there is all kinds of neat comfy furniture and coffee tables. The artwork is eclectic and the room as a whole is nicely appointed with interesting artifacts. The cocktails are first-rate. They really don’t serve any food. I mean, they have some little hors d’oeuvre, but that’s about it. You go there for the quality drinks and the atmosphere. I also enjoy the snarky attitude of the head bartender. When you first meet him you think he might be gay. Then in walks his smoking hot girlfriend.
It’s one of my favorite bars in the city because it’s an original that has real character.
I arrive early. I always like to get to a place early to scope out the scene and get the lay of the land. I chat with the owner. She’s awesome. Normally she’s in and out during the day, and then leaves around 7pm. We’re pretty tight. I’ve even walked her home on occasion.
I normally don’t order off the cocktail menu. I just tell the bartender that I want something dark and spirit forward. They make it and I drink it. It’s always good. I will say that the place is a little expensive. Most of the drinks cost between $12 and $14.
I look at my watch. 6:20. Hope she isn’t late.
I hope she shows up.
Five minutes later the door opens.
It was like one of those moments in those 80’s teen comedies, when everything moves in slow motion and they play some cool song. Rebecca enters the bar. I take a deep breath. Her dark hair is up, which always looks so sexy on the right woman. Her ripe lips an exquisite pout. She’s wearing a burgundy cocktail dress. It comes to mid-thigh. She’s wearing black sheer stockings and elegant black high heels. She looks amazing. I’m blinking my eyes trying to focus on this vision.
I immediately stand to greet her. She hugs me, and I’m more intoxicated by her beauty and lovely fragrance than any cocktail that could be crafted at this bar. “Rebecca,” is all I could say. “Shall we get a table?” she replies. I nod, and guide her to a quiet table in the corner so we can chat.
“You look lovely. I feel under dressed.”
“Well I haven’t seen you in a while and I like to dress up.”
We order a round of drinks. I have my usual dark power, and she goes with something equally strong. Interesting. That’s either a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe she likes a heady drink or maybe she needs a bit of courage. We chat about what we’ve been up to and she’s telling me about work, and some of the challenges she obviously faces in the medical industry. Then she says, “I suppose you’re wondering why you haven’t heard back from me in a while, and I’m sorry about that.” I tell her it’s okay and I’m just happy that she’s here tonight.
“Remember how I told you that I went out with that man who was older than me and I didn’t feel any chemistry after four dates?”
“Didn’t that guy get married? He didn’t try to…?”
“No…no. Nothing like that. I just wanted to preface what I was about to tell you, that it doesn’t feel that way with you.”
Now I’m getting a little worried and a little confused. “Do you mean you do feel chemistry with me or you don’t?” I feel a slight searing heat in my heart. This could go be a short date. She smiles and takes my hand. “I do like you. It feels different just being around you. You’re not like anybody else I know.”
I visually sigh in relief and she reads my expression. I need to be cool. “Don’t worry, I’ve thought a lot about where my life is and it sometimes can be confusing.” I reassure her that whatever she’s concerned about I understand, and will listen.
Women don’t want men to solve their problems. Men are all about solutions. They like to fix things. Women are more about their feelings. That’s why men define themselves on what they do, and women define themselves on who they know. The way to a woman’s heart is really quite simple. Don’t tell her what she should do, or how she should do it.
Just listen.
I’m just happy at that moment that I’m the one who’s present to listen to whatever it is she needs to get off her chest.
I just hope she can’t hear my heart beating.
Rebecca takes a sip from her drink, not breaking her gaze with me. Looking into me with those brilliant emeralds. “Two years ago I met this guy on Tinder named Derrick. He was around my age. As you know, guys my age basically suck for the most part. They don’t know what they want or who they are yet. But he ‘Super Liked’ me on Tinder. And… I did the same on his profile so I thought it was kismet. I know now I only did that because he was really cute and not much else. Isn’t that why most people swipe right for the most part anyway?”
“I suppose. But I’d like to think that some of us are more thoughtful when it comes to matters of the heart.” I reply. (Bold faced lie.)She seemed smart in her profile, but I know I swiped right because she was smoking hot.
“I know, right?” she exclaims. “Thank you! But I guess I was dumb and just being superficial. So we exchanged numbers. It all happened so fast. We met up, and it was fun. He seemed kind of full of himself and his band. But he was good really good-looking. He invited me to come out and see his band play and we’d hang out after their set. So I get dressed up and go to the bar where their playing. Derrick was the lead singer. I was kind of hoping he’d take me on a proper date, but I thought that would happen after we got to know each other. I suppose it’s not a bad way to meet someone for the first time. You’re in a bar surrounded with people so it’s not like you’re meeting a stranger in some isolated place. I also prepared myself for the fact that he was the singer in the band and usually they are surrounded by willing girls. I mean, you told me you used to play guitar in a band in L.A. Weren’t you always around a bunch of girls?”
“Sure. There were a lot of girls and guys at our shows. We played hard rock, so our audience skewed more male than female. But I had a steady girlfriend at the time. I was committed to my relationship with her.” (Another Bold faced lie)
“Well you’re one of the rare ones.” (I wonder if she can see the devil horns sticking out of my head?) “Anyway, so I’m at their show. I didn’t want to go to a bar alone, so I took my roommate Amber with me. We had an agreement that if things went well with Derrick she’d either hook up with someone there or UBER it home. I mean it wasn’t a real date so I don’t think there was anything wrong with bringing my friend with me as backup.”
“What kind of music did they play?” I ask, hoping to get insight about the boy through his musical tastes.
“It wasn’t emo, but it sort of sounded like that. I guess it was more post hardcore.”
This guy already sounds like a douche, I thought. She takes another sip and this time her eyes are down. I can see this is hard for her. “Okay. Please go on. I’m listening.”
“So they end their set and we’re hanging out. Me, my friend Amber, Derrick, and his lead guitarist, Simon. We’re drinking and laughing and having a good time. We’re at this table all the way off to the back. I’m sitting next to Derrick and Amber is across from me with Simon in a booth. Amber likes to party. Simon is ordering shots and beers and we’re all getting pretty buzzed. I feel like I’m really liking Derrick. He’s going about how important the music is and all of that stuff, but I don’t care, I just think he’s hot. Next thing I know Amber is all over Simon. I look at Derrick and he’s on me. We’re just making out like crazy. Normally I’m not like that but I think it was the drinking that made it easy. Plus I wanted him cause he was so good-looking. It was fun.”
At this point I’m wondering where all of this is going. We order another round.
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